Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Bleeding On the Inside ❯ Tear In Your Hand ( Chapter 14 )

Disclaimer: I own nothing except this story.

Warnings: Angst, rape, yaoi, and 3x4/1x2 content, mention of child abuse, might be triggering.

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TEAR IN YOUR HAND

All the world just stopped now

so you say you don't wanna stay together any more

let me take a deep breath babe

if you need me, me and Neil'll be hangin' out with the Dream King

Neil says hi by the way

I don't believe you're leaving cause

me and Charles Manson like the same ice cream

I think it's that girl

and I think there're pieces of me you've never seen

maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen well

all the world is

all I am

the black of the the blackest ocean

and that tear in your hand

all the world is danglin' danglin' danglin' for me darlin

you don't know the power that you have with that

tear in your hand

that tear in your hand

maybe I ain't used to

maybes smashing in a cold room

cutting my hands up

everytime I touch you

maybe it's time to wave goodbye now

time to wave goodbye now

caught a ride with the moon

I know I know you well

well better than I used to

haze all clouded up my mind

in the daze of the why it could've never been

so you say and I say you know you're full of wish

and your "baby baby baby babies"

I tell you there's pieces of me you've never seen

maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen well

Tori Amos

>>>*<<<Bleeding On the Inside - Chapter 14 - Tear in Your Hand

Heero walked quicker then he normally would have, anxious to get back to Duo and Quatre. His trip to the store had told him nothing except what he already knew: that there were no surveillance cameras in the change rooms. In fact there were no surveillance cameras anywhere in that store. They had lied.

Kyle Whittenstaff was not present behind the counter and Heero was mildly disappointed at that. Even though Quatre had emphasized that he didn't want him killed, Heero would have liked to at least rough the man up a bit, castrate him maybe…

It was interesting to talk with the manager of the store who swore to him that he had been there all day and that Kyle, a model employee, could never have done anything to hurt anyone. Particularly interesting, since he could tell from the button on his lapel that the manager and Kyle had the same last name.

'Even if he _had_ been there, it's doubtful this guy would incriminate his own relative. I hope Trowa and Wufei are having more luck at the police station.'

As he approached the safe house, Heero went over the events of the past few days, as if assuring himself that it was just some bizarre nightmare and any minute now he would wake up and demand to know what Duo had slipped into his food. But never, even under the influence of OZ's mind-warping drugs, had Heero ever imagined something so horrible happening to one of his team mates, someone he knew and regarded as a friend.

'I'm supposed to protect them. I'm supposed to be the leader and I failed to protect one of my own.'

In the back of his mind a voice softly mocked him.

/That's not all of it, is it Heero?/

Heero growled and shook his head as if to clear it. He did not want to think about this now.

/Come now. Admit it. You're relieved. Deep down inside, you're relieved because it happened to Quatre and not to Duo./'I would never-'

/Bullshit. Right now you're so scared by the fact that this someone could have done the exact same thing to Duo that you're not even thinking about Quatre./

"Shut up!"

People passing by looked up in surprise at Heero's sharp cry and the boy glared furiously at them and walked faster down the street. His conscience was silent for the rest of the way back, but he couldn't help the throb of guilt in his stomach or the icy grip of fear that had a hold on his heart.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Quatre lifted his head from Relena's shoulder and sniffled tiredly, mumbling a 'thank you' when she handed him a tissue from her pocket. Once his nose was blown and his eyes were dry, Quatre felt a bit better, or at least, able to complete a sentence without crumbling. He shifted in Relena's hold and she let him go immediately, moving back a bit to allow him some space, while still placing a comforting hand on his arms. His smile was watery but grateful.

"Did you ever tell anyone else about…you know…" he asked, his voice trailing off uncertainly.

Relena shook her head. "At times I think Dorothy suspects. She hears when I have nightmares, although she never presses me to tell her about them. At times I've wanted to just get it over with and shout it at her, but then I wonder how she would react and I get scared."

"I didn't think you were scared of anything," Quatre confessed, remembering how many times the pacifist princess had faced death or slander for her ideals. "You always seemed the strongest out of any of us."

Relena laughed bitterly and shook her head once more. "No, no. I was always scared: scared to voice my opinion, scared to stand up for myself. Did you know my Father was skipping out on my 15th birthday party and I couldn't even get up the courage to tell him that I wanted him to stay?"

"What changed?"

"I saw Heero," Relena stated. She saw Quatre's eyes begin to gloss over and the way he sucked in his breath nervously.

"Relena I have to tell you something about Heero. He's-"

"Not in love with me?"

Relena would have laughed at Quatre's shocked expression if the situation hadn't been so somber. As if was she couldn't quite hold back a smile.

"I know that. I've known that for a long time now."

Quatre frowned, puzzled. "Then why…"

Relena's gaze grew thoughtful and she twirled the string of pearls at her throat around her fingers as she talked.

"When I first saw Heero, I thought that he was dead. Except that when I approached him I found out that he wasn't dead at all. If you could have seen the way he looked at me…God, I think he must have been furious with himself for being caught looking vulnerable. With his hand covering his face, all I could see were his eyes, and that was enough to tell me that he was strong, stronger then anyone I had ever met.

"Once he figured out that his cover was blown, he tried to kill himself. Obviously he didn't succeed but at the time, I admired his actions. I wished I could have the courage to do the same thing."

Quatre eyes opened wide and he gasped. "W-what?"

"I'd never really thought of myself as important before. My own family seemed to brush me aside for their own busy worlds. And any friends I had were not real friends, just silly admirers hoping to benefit from the fact that my father was rich and well known. I was lonely but I was a coward who didn't want to take the final step.

"Heero's eyes promised to take that step for me. Such a strong person, I wanted death from him, I welcomed death from him. So I chased after him from school to school, country to country, in the hopes that he might kill me. And instead…he taught me to be strong."

Relena sighed and curled up beside Quatre on the bed, tucking her legs underneath her body in a way totally unbecoming a princess.

"You see, Heero couldn't ever succeed in killing himself because he had a mission to complete, and ideal to protect. I admired that about him. And when I finally found out that I was a member of the Peacecraft family, I had an ideal to protect as well. It may not have been the best way, but at the time, it was all I had to hold onto. I'm not really strong at all. I'm just imitating a real life hero, if you'll excuse the horrible pun."

Quatre mulled this over in his mind, not sure if he was relieved to learn that Relena wasn't the perfect person everyone thought her to be, or slightly disappointed by the same fact. In the end he decided that it didn't really matter. Relena had found her salvation in pacifism. Heero had found his in Duo. And Quatre had Trowa…

'Trowa. You said you understood. Were you like this as well? Did you ever go out looking for death? Is that why you're so withdrawn now? So many questions. I wonder if I'll ever find answers for them.'

"Quatre?"

The blond boy looked up, shaken from his drifting thoughts. He gave Relena a small smile.

"I'm okay. I just needed to let it sink in a bit, that's all."

"Are you okay?" the girl asked, looking worried. For a moment he had looked so sad…

'And why shouldn't he be,' she thought angrily. 'He's just been through something horrible.'

"I'm fine," Quatre said, swinging his legs off the edge of the bed and standing up, his legs slightly wobbly from lack of use and exhaustion. "I'd like to go downstairs, if you don't mind. I'm sick of this room."

Relena's eyes brightened and she smiled broadly. "Sure," she said. "I'll go get Duo and he can help me get you down stairs."

"I'm not an invalid," Quatre protested. "I can make it downstairs by myself."

He took a few shaky steps to prove this fact, still feeling the sluggish aftereffects of the codeine weighing down his limbs so that he felt like he was moving underwater.

"I'm fine!" he insisted, blocking all of Relena's attempts to take his arm. With a defeated sigh, the princess of Sank let the blond Arab walk on his own, following close behind him should he choose to topple over at any given point.

Outside the room they found Duo, leaning against the hall a few doors down from Quatre's room. When he heard them approach the braided boy ran a hand over his suspiciously wet face and forced his mouth into a wide grin.

"Heya Q-man! Glad to see you up and about. Are you hungry? Can I get you anything to eat or drink? Uh…you too, princess?" he added as an afterthought.

The pink-clad girl shook her head ruefully. "I've got to be going," she announced. "The ministers are expecting me at a conference at noon and if I don't get back soon, Dorothy will worry and send out search parties. I'm supposed to be walking in the gardens, not wandering all over town without an escort. Thank for the offer though, Duo."

Taking Quatre's hands, Relena pulled the boy into a quick hug, not minding the stares that she was getting from Duo.

"Take care of yourself. Remember all I've told you," she whispered into Quatre's ear as she hugged him.

"I'll remember," he promised, returning her embrace.

She smiled and let go, giving a brief curtsy before turning and walking to the door, only sparing one last wave before she was gone. Quatre smiled after her, his mind forming the words that his mouth could not.

'Relena…you are stronger then you realize. Thank you.'