Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Breathing Methods ❯ Intermission - Cruel devices... ( Chapter 8 )

 

 

 

… … … … …

 

Intermission - Cruel Devices...

 

… … … … …

 

 

 

 

 

I can't believe he actually followed me into my room.

 

I know damn well we made some jaws drop, because I saw Duo sprawled on the floor, gaping like one of those clowns at a carnival, his game boy thingy dropping from his twitching hands. Heero turned when he saw me, and ran straight into a wall...and stayed there like he meant to do it all along. There's no sign of Quatre, though he did mention he had to grab some material and thread from a sewing shop...must have ripped his shirt again. Not that any of us want to destroy those horrendous shirts, or anything...

 

So, yeah. Here I am, holding Bang-Boy by the hand...him still shirtless, glistening with the slightest sheen of sweat...walking side by side like sweethearts, until I have to pull him in the door.

 

I push him onto the bed, and sit beside him, staring at him curiously. He stares right back.

 

“What sort of music do you like?”

 

I don't expect an answer, so I'm not terribly, completely surprised when I do not receive one. Trowa Barton is a very taciturn, mysterious, sometimes wise and above all silent individual. I was probably in the right direction when I thought he might start flapping his arms and squawking like a chicken. That would be more forthcoming than any answer from those sweet, pale, bow shaped lips.

 

Mmm hmmm mmm hmmm mumph. Yummy.

 

“I borrowed a mixed C-D from Duo. You wanna listen to that?”

 

No answer. No twitch. He just stares at me, and I take this as a silent signal for `yes'. Hey, I have to get my kicks somehow, and honestly...I really am worried about him. He had crawled from his shell a bit these past few months, hanging around all of us, but since I became a selfish, insensitive slut, he hasn't been speaking to anyone...at all. He's worrying me to death.

 

“Good-oh. Hey, you wanna turn on that lamp? Those blinds are stuck, have been since...well, since I freaked the others out. I think it might have had something to do with fondue....” He does as I ask silently, while I root around in my backpack, trying to find the slim circular pocket that holds all of my C-Ds....whether they're mine or not.

 

I slip the disk into the wall unit all our rooms have, and pull him down beside me, as I sprawl on my belly, turning my head so I can look at him. Silent. No expression. Eyes flat. But he's lying on his side, at least, still looking at me, and I sigh quietly as I reach behind me blindly to find the on switch.

 

The sound of an acoustic guitar drifts through the room, and I blink as the words start to flow.

 

There's something...I can't quite work it out, the English is so old...about a girl, and she's with other guys, and this guys' depressed and lonely. Uh...alrighty, I may not be the best judge of character, but this sort of reflects what's happening at the moment. I swear there's the faintest trace of amusement in his eyes as I slap at the unit again, biting my lip.

 

Silence, before another guitar, this time sounding electric.

 

“Every time we lie awake, after every hit we take...”

 

Ah. More grief. I go to hit the stupid, mother....God, I try to slap at it, but he holds my hand, eyes suddenly dark.

 

“Every feeling that I get, but I haven't missed you yet...”

 

He won't let go of my hand. Not...not that he's scaring me, or anything.

 

“Every room mate kept awake, by every silent scream we make...”

 

I bite my lip again, and his eyes....so dark, and cold, they appear to be a forest green instead of their usual sparkling emeralds...suck me deeper into something I don't understand.

 

“All the feelings that I get, but I still don't miss you yet...”

 

Silence. Oh God, I've never been so afraid of silence before.

 

“Only when I stop to think about it...”

 

“Trowa...?”

 

“I...hate...everything about you...”

 

“Oh...” I try to pull myself away, but suddenly...

 

His arms are around me. Loosely, and tentatively, as if he can't believe he's doing it, and his quiet shaking makes me so scared...for him. I might have said attracted...but hell, I care about them too, in a way I've never cared about anyone before. I don't like to see any of them like this.

 

And by quiet...I mean the small, moaning sounds he's making are quiet. Almost inaudible. But there.

 

“Why...do I....love you?”

 

“Not like that” he whispers, as I tense in his arms, my first instinctive reaction to push him away as quickly as possible. “The border between love and hate...I've always believed there was a border. Like, Wufei. I like you. But...but I don't want to do to you what you think I have to.”

 

I blink, lying in his shuddering arms, and try to digest...for him...the veritable flood of words pouring from his trembling lips. And suddenly, I understand.

 

“You think...you think I'm doing this for another reason? That I'm...”

 

“I think...that you're trying to make everybody feel better. I guess the others appreciate it...but I don't use my friends like that, Wufei, I don't.” He's terrified....terrified that I'm using myself, if only to improve moral...!?

 

“Who told you that bullshit?” I whisper, tracing his jaw with my fingertips, and his beautiful green eyes widen a little.

 

“I like you, Trowa. I like you a lot. You're...incredibly, wonderfully beautiful, and you're nice. Gentle, and rough, and wild. I like your silence...” I trace his lips, feeling my own quirk into a sad grin...” But I like it when you talk even better. I want this, Trowa. I want you. I can't help it if I'm hotwired to want the others, too.”

 

“But...” I kiss him, to silence him, for silence can be a sweetness when you're with those you...you care for.

 

It's no ordinary kiss. Not like the one's I've been slowly practicing on the others, because that's the only way you learn, from experience. No. Into this I pour all the fear I have for him, all the tenderness I feel for him, mixed with the need and the want and the- it's sloppy, and it's rough, and he doesn't respond for so long I'm afraid I've made a terrible, unforgivable mistake.

 

But his lips start to move, shyly, against mine. No experience. Not between us. We....we don't shut our eyes, and I feel his touch like whispers. Like cobwebs, strung across a ceiling made out of the space between words. Like...silence. Oh glorious Gods, he's so slow.

 

Slow...slowness in his movements. Slow with his rhythm. Concentrating every fibre of his being in this one, unending, sorrowful embrace. He make's that part of me that breaks so easily shatter a little more. I don't know what it is. My conscious, perhaps? Because I feel so guilty, forcing him to do this.

 

Forcing him...

 

I break away, panting, and curl up around myself, sickened by my actions. Oh...oh no....I couldn't have, could I? Even I can't be that heartless! He stares at me, shining in his eyes, and I jerk away from the...whatever it is. I am that heartless! Oh Gods, what have I done?! To all of them?!

 

Duo...didn't kiss me back...until he got caught up in the moment.

 

Heero...forced because of a panic attack...gentle and sweet, but not all there.

 

Quatre....remembering his beloved friends...the one's who left because he couldn't control his empathy, and seeking an easing touch.

 

And Trowa.

 

I'm a sick, disgusting, hurtful spoilt little boy.

 

“Wufei...?”

 

“What have I done...to you...to all of you...forcing you to...why did I have to....why am I....so selfish...heartless bastard. Oh Gods, you stupid heartless bastard. Stupid, selfish, son-of a bitch!”

 

His eyes widen, and then...he's gone. Gone. I am....that heartless...

 

I wasn't brought up this way! I was taught to respect all men, to treat them as equals, and women as well, because they are the lifeblood, they are the purer side of the race! Yet what do I do!? Treat women like shit, and take advantage of people made vulnerable by my sheer proximity to them! No wonder I feel like shit! My family would hate me for this, loathe the selfish, stupid person I've become! Hell, they won't even look at me, because I was stupid enough to be fucked raw and then got so tired every sick fucking stupid fantasy came pouring out like midsummer rains! I'm...I'm....

 

I'm so sick...

 

Never mind the fact that I'm gay, something my family didn't hate, but disapproved basically with the heirs only. How could I ever forget my duties? How could I ever force myself on people, and feel good because...reeled in by the moment...they respond the way I wanted them too? I should have stayed with my colony...let someone else take Nataku...should have...should have stayed home, with my books, and my memories...

 

Shouldn't have ever come to earth...

 

Should have just ignored their offers to join them, when they were first voiced...

 

I forced them.

 

Forced.

 

And my lungs clamp down so tight I'm not getting in any air at all.

 

And...

 

And...I don't see the point...in...in stopping it...