Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Breathing Methods ❯ Forced ( Chapter 9 )

 

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Forced

 

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“God damn it, Wufei!”

 

“'Fei, breathe, you son-of-a-bitch, breathe!”

 

I know I tremble a little, can feel it rattling in my bones, and they confirm it when their eyes light up. Heero. Duo. Even Trowa.

 

The people I've practically raped.

 

I'm trembling again, even slower than the first time, can see something flaring in their eyes, their beautiful eyes...feel it die as I stare at the ceiling. Staring, staring and staring, and not moving, and I can't believe what's just happened, but it has. It fucking well has.

 

My heart's stopped.

 

I... thought you were supposed to black out, when that happens, right? You're dea-...your brain's starved of oxygen, and therefore all centres of function are immediately shut down, including eyesight, touch, sound, smell. Why...why the hell do I still feel alive, in a sort of muted way? As if everything is underwater, and I'm in a lead tank of some kind, and nothing seems to make its way through...but it does?

 

I forced them.

 

“No!”

 

“W-Wufei...?”

 

Quatre, falling to his knees...how can I see him? How can I smell him, a dusty, curiously empty smell, like he's been in an old shop? Oh...sewing things...he was in a dusty shop...

 

How can I see him though? Smell him? I'm not breathing anymore.

 

“Don't you fucking dare, you bastard!”

 

“You didn't force me! You didn't! You didn't!”

 

Beautiful cobalt eyes, beautiful emerald eyes...over me, hovering, and I can't see their faces anymore. Finally...blackness, of a sort. I had the insane feeling I would be like that forever, feeling as my body decomposed, when they burnt me or put me in the cold, unforgiving earth...their eyes hang like jewels set in velvet.

 

“Chang, you come back right now! You hear me!? That's a direct fucking order, so you come back, and you don't leave me! Don't leave us!”

 

Beautiful Prussian eyes...jagged with the ice melting and reforming...sapphire on black jewellers velvet.

 

“Wufei!!” Quatre's howl hung in the air...like the strident song of a bronze bell...like the piercing cry of an eagle, or some shit like that. And...

 

Fear, deep fear, total fear, deep, unending fear and loneliness and depression....hope....hope, remorse, guilt, hope, hope.

 

“He's still in there, he isn't gone! Bring him back! Bring him back, bring him back!!”

 

They look at him for a moment...sparkling jewel eyes turning to lapis lazuli filled with tears...and then the strangest sensation begins.

 

Like someone's kissing me. Running hands down my chest.

 

But...it...it hurts.

 

Lips clamped over mine, forcing air...air where it's stopped moving, where it doesn't need to go anymore.

 

Hands, nearly breaking my ribs...flat, flat against the top half of my chest, crushing me with their rhythm.

 

1....2.....3....4.....5.....

 

Lips again, the same set, inflating me with the scent of peppermint. Duo?

 

1....2.....3....4.....5.....

 

One last breath is forced into me, and the whole world explodes.

 

I start coughing, the bands around my chest constricting rapidly, arching off the bed as my eyes squeeze tightly shut. The feeling. Everything, everything a hundred times sharper, a hundred times clearer. I can feel where dust motes have left passages in the air, tiny currents like the whiskers of catfish, brushing into each other. They sound like mountains colliding. Like continents collapsing.

 

The whole world's ending with this clarity.

 

And then...I'm me. Stupid, coughing, gasping, weak and useless me. No anything clearer. No anything sharper. The whole world...seems normal. But I'm so sure.... so sure I felt it go...

 

“You bastard.”

 

I FORCED THEM!!!

 

It starts again, and this time...I can't control the instinctive reaction, clamping my hands around my throat, arching off the bed again, away from their hands, their startled cries.

 

“Do you want to die, you stupid bastard!? Want to leave us alone!? Come back here! You haven`t finished your God damn mission yet! You haven't avenged her!”

 

Meiran? Who cares but the living, when the dead can only see jewels hanging in the night sky. All consuming. The dead can't feel. I envy the dead, that they never have to rise, and face what they've done to people they care about.

 

“You didn't force me.” There's a calmness in Trowa's voice I envy, but I snarl when he forces my eyes open, to make me look at him. “Surprised by...by what you were giving me, is all. I didn't respond at first because I was so amazed somebody I wanted so much could want me back.”

 

The words are guttural, heinous with the blood slicking my throat, but I utter them anyway, feeling something clench at their hurt when they hear them. “I...practically...raped....you.....” I laughed then, a screechy high sound, before my lungs shut down again, and all I can do is mouth the words. `Forced you all.'

 

“What!?”

 

`Forced myself on you all. I'm so sick.'

 

“You didn't...you didn't force me to touch you.” Heero sounds so surprised, and his big blue eyes are wide as he holds my hand away from my throat. “I...I loved being with you, Wufei. I loved the feel of your body. I might not love you...but I love what you can do for me.”

 

`Stupid....raped you.'

 

“I thought that somebody had to be penetrated for it to be considered rape.” There's a wryness in Duo's tone, but his eyes are utterly serious as he pulls my other hand away. “Damn it, `Fei, I care about you. Why would I touch you if I didn't want to?”

 

I shake my head, and start to cry, even though the sobs skipping up my throat can't be released. And yes, I really do cry, and I feel like shit because of it, and even they are shocked to their core like I am. I haven't cried in front of anyone....indeed, haven't cried at all, for nearly two years.

 

`Dirty...forced....why? Why did you let me....degrade you all....like that...'

 

“Degraded us? Why Wufei, I think we degraded you. Don't you think so?”

 

“I've told you once, and I'll tell you again, I love you. You're my friend. One of my best buddies, and I won't let you throw what we have away just because you think some stupid shit sometimes.”

 

“Don't make me a killer again. Don't make what you showed me worthless. I've felt so much better, since I've been with you.”

 

“If you think I'd let anyone force me, you're sadly mistaken. I liked kissing you, understand?”

 

“We all like it.”

 

“Dude, you're our friend, a beautiful person, and we like you.”

 

“You're intelligent, and brave, and kind, and you see something in us that no one else does.”

 

“Nobody could ever want us with the same passion that also hungers for the injustice of it all.”

 

“Don't make jokes, not right now.”

 

“Sorry...but it's true. Man, you keep saying we're wild, but you're like a storm tamed. It's not possible for a person to care so much, yet we all do, about you...and we know you care about us.”

 

“Your kiss told me that. Raw need. You tried to comfort me, even though I was scaring you shitless.”

 

“Come back to us.”

 

“Please, Wufei?”

 

“'Fei?”

 

I stop crying when I start breathing again, ignoring their sighs of relief. I guess they were betting on their words working more than even they realised. Bad luck if it didn't eh? But here I am, acting like a wussy onna not getting her-

 

“No, fuck that. Women are as strong as men, as wise, as full of life. I'm stopping that bullshit right now” I rasp, and they all blink at me for a very long moment.

 

“Riiiight, `Fei...see something you didn't like in your own mind?” Duo raises his eyebrows, the skin around his eyes white with shock, and he's chewing the end of his braid nervously. Still scared shitless, of saying or doing the wrong thing.

 

I sigh. Yeah, I'm stupid. But not for the reasons I was thinking a few minutes ago.

 

“See something I didn't like? Oh yes.” My voice is still very weak, but it seems to reassure them a little, and I even go so far as to squeeze the hands still holding mine...Duo's and Heero's. “I...I had no idea...what it would be like. She...she isn't waiting for me to do those things. She just is.”

 

“Is?” Trowa smiles, one of the very few of his I've ever seen, and it's as slow as his kisses. Like the one he just dropped onto my forehead. “Is what?”

 

“Not...not like that. Everything...it is. Oh gods, it...it was so horrible...” I'm suddenly nearly smothered again...this time by a trembling blonde, as he carefully lands on top of me, placing his forehead over mine.

 

“You...you were ready to die. Why? Because of what you thought you did? You didn't force me to do anything. I'm just naturally a pervert, and I like you. Pretty, slim, oh so touchable Chang. You're what I always wanted for Christmas, but was too shy to ask Santa for.” His blue eyes sparkling with tears, he drops a chaste kiss on the end of my nose, and I'm thoroughly shocked by the tears rising in my eyes again. “Too precious to lose” he whispers, and rubs our noses together, before backing away slowly.

 

“I...I....I'm so sorry...”

 

“Apology accepted, but if you do shit like that again, I'll strangle you myself. Got it, `Fei?” I nod, looking away, before Duo pulls me onto his lap, ignoring my wince as he brushes against...my cracked...ribs. “Fucking idiot” he laughs, and kisses my cheek, hard and fast, and ending it with a smacking sound. “There. Hey Heero, you ain't branded him yet. Brand him, so we can keep him for a little while longer.”

 

Heero stares at him, fists tightening where they rest in his lap. Then his eyes switch, so that he's looking at me, and I shudder at the fury in those glacial blues. I promised...no strings...and I think I just broke every little thing that lies between us. That trust. That friendship.

 

“You do that again, I never met you. I never knew you. I can't take shit like that, and just keep on moving. If someone...someone I God damn care about goes, I'm fucked! You hear me?! I can't do that again!”

 

They all make little sounds...some protests, others shock...but it's him I'm staring at. Looking at. Feeling miserable, knowing the full extent of what I've done to them.

 

“Never again” I whisper, and he pants for a moment, trembling with the need for something even I don't understand. “I'm so sorry, Heero. But...but I couldn't help it. I did force you all...” and I hold my hands over my ears, as furious protests rise on angry lips,”...and I admit that I took the whole situation far too...seriously. I still feel guilty for doing what I've done. For making you kiss me, fuck me, do all those things to me...Trowa was right. You coddle a panic attack, and it gets so much worse. But I have the clarity now...the clarity those fucking stupid jewels showed me. I still need you all. And if you'll have me...just for a little while longer...I would be the proudest man on earth. You understand that?”

 

“...yes.”

 

“Then that is what it is, what it will forever be. I'll be your friend, if you'll all be mine.”

 

“We are friends, `Fei. Nothing's changed that.”

 

“I'm a horrible friend. I temperamental one, a cowardly one, but...”

 

“Just shut up, and come here.”

 

And they hold me until I finally get it into my head that forced is different to offered.

 

A little while later...I'm too sore, and feeling like too much of a fool to tell what time it is...Duo whispers, “What jewels were you talking about?”

 

I'm...and there's no other word for it, so don't blame me...cuddled into his side, forehead leaning against his chest. Trowa's behind him...it made him slightly nervous at first, but he got over it quickly...with a hand reaching over, making me shiver as he occasionally strokes a finger down my side. Quatre and Heero are on the other side, Heero with a leg between mine, Quatre smoothing my hair off my forehead from his position a little up from him. They were uncomfortable at first. But...they gave that up, just to soothe an idiot who nearly died from a panic attack.

 

“Jewels” he prompts me again, leaning down a bit to brush his lips over my ear, and I sigh as I try to say it...without sounding like a complete and utter nutcase.

 

“Your eyes.” I clench my hands in his shirt, squeezing my eyes shut as I remember the terrible, tempting beauty of those few moments...wherever I was, while still here. “All your eyes. Couldn't see anything else. Like jewels in the dark, and they....I don't want to say it, okay? It was stupid...and that clarity...”

 

“You truly died, didn't you.” I don't know who the whisper's from...so toneless, and flat, and shivering my entire stomach clenches, and I feign sleep so I wouldn't have to face their God damn sympathetic stares.

 

There's a few moments of…well, almost comfortable silence.

 

“Well...this was exciting.”

 

“And scary.”

 

“Like the time Heero self destructed...”

 

“And the time you went all Zero on us, Quatre.”

 

“I guess it was about time for another one of us to go insane, or die. Wufei...how can he bear to be near us? We...we really hurt him...”

 

“Because we didn't talk to him? Yeah, I know, Heero. It's not like I haven't thought about what I could have done. Just be a friend, yanno, and I didn't even have the common decency to do that.”

 

“I...I know a secret.”

 

“What's that, Kat?”

 

“I'm not sure if it's true...but...it's just this feeling I get, from him.”

 

“Like what?”

 

“I'm not sure yet...give me awhile, maybe I can figure it out.”

 

“As long as it isn't hate.”

 

“No...it's like...well, fairy floss is the only way I can describe it.” Quatre sighs, a deep, mournful sound, and pauses in touching my forehead. “I would say it's affection, but it's lighter than even that.”

 

“Lighter?”

 

“I dunno...I haven't studied for this sort of thing. I have no idea what most of them are. Just the strongest ones.”

 

“Is he asleep?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Gods, he's so beautiful, isn't he?”

 

“Ahuh. Like...like something you can't even imagine, and even a bit more than that.”

 

“That's very poetic of you, Trowa.”

 

“Make him smile, Duo. Make him strong, Heero. Keep him sane, Quatre, and I'll listen to him when he hurts, okay?”

 

“...that's even more so. But that sounds like a pretty fucking good idea to me.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Yes.”

 

Sometime in all of that, and maybe even a little bit after, I fall asleep for real.