Crappy Poem Theater

A weak imitation of Masterpiece theater theme being played on a kazoo is heard in the background. Vid-cam zooms in on a small library-type room and a comfy red easy chair where Cherry Blossom is currently sitting, smoking a pipe and reading a book.

Cherry Blossom: *looks up. Takes pipe out of her mouth.* Good evening.

Matteo: *whispers* You can't have any unauthorized pop-culture references.

Cherry Blossom: Why not?

Matteo: We don't have any money to pay for them.

Cherry Blossom: Then put up a disclaimer.

Matteo: Disclaimer?

Cherry Blossom: Look just tell them that I don't own squat and this is only for entertainment purposes.

Matteo: Gotcha. *runs off*

Cherry Blossom: *sighs* Anyway, welcome to the show. Some of you are probably wondering what the hell is going on….

Duo: What the hell is going on?

Cherry Blossom: Shut up. You don't come on until later.

Duo: But-

Cherry Blossom: Go away!

Duo: *grumbles*

Cherry Blossom: *clears throat* Anyway…my English teacher, the dreaded Mr.Thorpe, *holds up picture of English teacher with devil's horns and a goatee painted on* has decided that he must shower the class with crappy poetry. Some of you may have already witnessed this in my MSTing of the poem, "Dearest Andrea" by Keith.

Duo: *groans* Don't mention that poem ever again.

Cherry Blossom: Didn't I tell you to get lost?

Duo: ……

Cherry Blossom: So, since I now must read and critique a collection of truly horrible poetry I have decided to let the G-Boyz share in my torture by creating a whole theater devoted to the MSTing of crappy poetry. I call it "Crappy Poetry Theater".

Duo: *snorts* How original.

Cherry Blossom: *reaches over and smacks Duo in the back of the head*

Duo: Itai!

Matteo: Cherry, we've got the disclaimer ready.

Cherry Blossom: Well put it up!

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Duo: Wow. That was weak.

Cherry Blossom: Couldn't we jazz it up a little or something?

Matteo: Um…

Disclaimer: I own nothing. So there.

Cherry Blossom: *sigh* Never mind. Let's just get on with the show.

The scene cuts to a large, darkened theater where 5 figures are sitting.

Quatre: Did Cherry tell you why we're supposed to be here?

Duo: Uh….no….

Wufei: What is that onna up to now? The last time we were in something like this I had to listen to some stupid poem.

Quatre: I'm sure it won't be anything like that this time.

Duo: *choking noises*

Wufei: Problem, Maxwell?

Duo: *cough* Nope *cough*

Cherry Blossom: *pops in out of thin air* Hiyee guys!

Wufei: What's this all about, onna?

Cherry Blossom: *pouts* What kind of a greeting is that?

Heero: Why are we here?

Cherry Blossom: Well….I thought you guys could help me out with my homework.

Trowa: Homework?

Quatre: Like math?

Cherry Blossom: Actually it's…..POETRY!

<crash of thunder and lightning>

Cherry Blossom: *glares* Who did that?

Matteo: *from the sound effects room* Sorry.

G-Boyz: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Wufei: INJUSTICE!

Heero: Omeo o korosu.

Cherry Blossom: C'mon guys, it's only a couple of poems. If I have to suffer, you have to suffer.

Trowa: Who made up that rule?

Matteo: Actually it says so in the otaku writer's book of rules and privileges. Page 64 line 7. *shows Trowa the book*

Trowa: Damn.

Cherry Blossom: See? So let's get started. Today's featured poet is *drum roll* Alfred Austin!

G-Boyz: Yay.

Cherry Blossom: He wrote an epic poem called "The Human Tragedy".

Matteo: Which it was.

Cherry Blossom: The original is something like 20 pages long-

G-Boyz: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Cherry Blossom: But I decided to cut it down to just one page….

G-Boyz: Phew.

Cherry Blossom: 'Cause I only wanted the really crappy parts. Some of the others stuff wasn't half bad.

G-Boyz: *groan*

Cherry Blossom: Matteo is going to be our reader.

G-Boyz: *glare at Matteo*

Matteo: *takes a nervous step back* Hey, don't shoot the messenger.

Cherry Blossom: So without further ado, The Human Tragedy.

Heero: We're gonna get you for this, Cherry.

Matteo: *clears throat*

The Human Tragedy

Duo: We know. Just get it over with already.

But the fleet hours pass pitilessly fleeter,

Wufei: This poem is pitiless.

Quatre: Is fleeter a word.

Duo: Guess so.

Or where, half-sadly warbling as it went,

Trowa: How do you warble half-sadly?

Duo: Like this. *makes a weird moose in heat call*

Cherry Blossom: Stop that! I don't any horny mooses hanging around the theater.

Quatre: Mooses?

Cherry Blossom: Okay, moose.

Like a boy-poet's happy discontent

Wufei: Happy discontent?

Heero: It's called an oxymoron.

Duo: This poet's an oxy-moron.

…G-Boyz: *stare*

Heero: What the hell was that?

Cherry Blossom: Oh, that just means I left a part out.

The stiff wain creaks 'neath the nodding wheat;

Quatre: What's a wain?

English teacher: *appears out of thin air* Look that up in your Funkin Wagnall.

Everybody: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

English teacher: *disappears*

Matteo: Sorry. He was in the last fic. I forgot that he was in here.

Quatre: That was scary.

Cherry Blossom: Let's just get back to the poem.

Trowa: I looked up what 'wain' means.

Heero: Well, what is it?

Trowa: It's a cart or wheel-barrow.

Duo: Then why couldn't he just say that?

Cherry Blossom: You're asking me?

Flit, yaffel, flit from tree to tree.Everybody: 0_o

Heero: The author has gone insane.

Duo: I want out of here now!

Cherry Blossom: Maybe it's only a temporary thing.

Trowa: Wouldn't count on it.

And the acorn drops at your dreaming feet,

Quatre: Do feet dream?

Duo: Actually I think there was a study being done on that at-

Heero: Duo?

Duo: Yes?

Heero: Shut it.

Duo: *shuts up*

Flit, yaffel, flit from tree to tree.

Cherry Blossom: Ohmigod, it's back!

Quatre: Save us!

Heero: *eyes get that zero look* Must…stop….torture….

Duo: Uh…Heero?

The whimpering winds have lost their way,

Wufei: And this is relevant to the poem, how?

Trowa: Wufei, nothing in this poem is relevant.

Heero: Must…stop…it….

Duo: Hold it together Heero. It's almost over.

Scream, yaffel, scream from tree to tree.Heero: That's it! *takes out his gun and points it at Matteo*

Matteo: *shrieks like a girl and runs off stage*

Duo: *grabs Heero's arm* No, wait! It's over, it's done now. No more poem. See?

Heero: It's….over?

Duo: Yeah. It's all over now.

Trowa: That was terrible.

Quatre: No shit, sherlock. *covers his mouth with his hands* Did I just say that?

Trowa: Look at what you've done to Quatre!

Quatre: I'm scarred for life.

Cherry Blossom: And there's more poems next week, too. Worse ones.

Wufei: INJUSTICE!

Quatre: I think I'm going to be ill.Heero: Omeo o korosu. *points gun at Cherry*

Cherry Blossom: Uh…Matteo? A little help here?

G-Boyz: *advance on Cherry Blossom*

Cherry Blossom: Roll the credits! Roll the credits!

Cherry Blossom: Thank you for watching Crappy Poetry Theater. Please leave a review if you would like the show to continue.

Heero: Don't leave a review. We want the show to be canceled.

Cherry Blossom: Shut up! Pay no attention to that psycho in the spandex.

Heero: Hn…

Cherry Blossom: If you would like to submit a crappy poem write to chibicherryb@hotmail.com.

Heero: If you submit a crappy poem I will kill you.

Cherry Blossom: No he won't.

Heero: Yes I will.

Cherry Blossom: Won't.

Heero: Will.

Cherry Blossom: WON'T.

Heero: WILL.

Cherry Blossom: Okay, he will….

Heero: *walks away*

Cherry Blossom: Not.

Heero: I heard that.

Cherry Blossom: *sweatdrops* Uh…gotta go! Jaa!!!