Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Designed Memories ❯ Self-Inflicted ( Chapter 20 )

BLAAAAARG! Well that's all I got at the moment…now everyone here will get the same slow ass updates as everyone on Y!Gallery gets…..i am working on it…slowlieslierly, have a buncha swaps and shit I gotta finish too, but this is NOT dead yet and I do plan to continue it and maybe, just maybe, finish it hahaha

 

Ch 20: Self-Inflicted

 

 

“Stop him!” Unquestionable Chang's voice.

 

“Pitbull! What the fuck are you…” Charlie yelled from behind me, words trailing as I threw myself through the boarded doors, thankfully the wood was rotted so badly it didn't hurt enough to slow me much, though getting off the cluttered foyer with my hands cuffed behind me slowed me enough to get a sight of the group running towards me.

 

It wasn't one car that came, seemed all the Dogs came, along with Chang and a few unnamed Preventer's and joyfully I was the target for all and they came rushing. Yuy and Charlie were at the head, flanked by Adam, Yoshi, Joey and Chang, the rest a few steps behind, but all gaining speed.

 

I was up again, blowing through the building, unfortunate for my pursues the fact I knew the lay out, I knew the way around, I knew every fucking detail of the building I spent so many wandering days in. I heard them below me as I tore up a flight of broken stairs, nearly falling through a couple, my balance displaced by the hands trapped behind me, causing me to make contact more than once with the walls.

 

They were yelling down there, everyone angry at everyone else, trying to place blame, unsure how to find me. If I could feel guilt, I might have, but all I could feel was irritation and a deep sadness as I traveled through the rooms.

 

My teeth gritting eager to face him, my eyes leaking at the jaded nostalgia awaiting me behind every door. That need to break eating me up inside, while the want to tear Solo's head off kept me moving. Up and down, flights of stairs, twisting hallways; I went through them all, chasing a ghost, chasing myself.

 

My foot met the door kicking it open; unable to deal with handles since Yuy just had to cuff me. So recently the images had played through my head, those green eyes met mine, that yellow plaid chair as gaudy as ever. My eyes snapped to the bed, I could almost see the after image of myself laying there, of Solo and I arguing in this room.

 

“Look like you got somethin to say kid.” Solo's voice deeper, crueler than it had ever been in this place. I couldn't even look at him. What did I come in here for?

 

The chair creaked as he stood, the floor groaning with each of his approaching steps. My heart was beating too fast, my eyes too wide as they went to him. Not anger or sadness are what I felt, it was much more basic. Fear.

 

I stumbled back from him hitting the wall in the hallway, my feet tripping me up and my god damn hands trapped behind me. Maybe I would react different if I could grab him, if I could defend myself.

 

“You came all this way to find me and now you gonna run away?” Solo let out a harsh laugh stopping in the doorway, staring down at my frozen form. “That is what yer good at though, ain't it? Always running away.” Solo extended a hand moving closer to me.

 

I panicked, panicked like a kid in the dark. My feet had already proved they weren't working right, but still I tried to use them, somehow the message from my brain getting tangled causing the wrong foot to move first. My right foot, in jumping the gun, hit my left leg and I went down. The floor croaked where I landed, boards cracked and I tensed ready to cave.

 

Thankfully, the main support held, in turn, keeping me on the eighth floor. I parted an eye, realizing I wasn't falling, and used my face to push me up. I leaned against the wall letting out a sigh, feet extended before me, too easily forgetting where I was.

 

“Still think you can get away from me huh?” So close, if I sneezed the two of us would crack heads.

 

“P-put it back.” Why the hell was I so scared of him?

 

Solo smirked shaking his head, breaking our stare. “That's not somethin I can do.” His eyes were cold, colder than Yuy's colder than Professor G's, as they looked into me, before he stood.

 

I searched the ground, looking for my confidence. My eyes trailed down the hall, maybe I lost it on the way.

 

“Well, I have to say, it was all worth it. Never seen you look so cute kid. All lost and scared. Never thought I'd see your twisted ass look like that.” The calls of the others could be heard fast approaching in the distance. “But all good things have to come to an end, or so they say.”

 

My attention snapped to Solo at the sound of a bullet entering that threatening chamber. It wasn't the first time I had a gun pointed at me, that I faced my death. It was, however, the first time I felt what most did, scared, frightened for my life, willing to beg, plead, barter everything I had to continue on. I didn't want to die like this, not by his hand.

 

“Why you cryin kid?” Solo asked, pointing out what I hadn't noticed. Crying I was, lips quivering, tears pouring as I stared over the dead metal to even deader eyes. If I trusted myself enough to form words I would have told him, but I didn't, sure if I uttered one it would turn to sobs that I wouldn't be able to stop.

 

“Funny, in all our time together you never once showed me so much emotion. It hurts doesn't it? Havin to feel all this shit. Makes you wanna give it all up, turn yer heart to stone so you don't have to do it again. I wonder if you can still love me after this, wonder if you ever did at all.” Those eyes filled with something I could never place. A look I had received far too often from Solo. “I never stopped.”

 

My whole body jumped as the gun fired. I didn't flinch away from the bullet, but I did from what Solo said. I didn't get a chance to respond, though I wanted to not caring if it did turn to choked cries. I never got a chance, his shot aimed with precision, he knowing the building as well as I.

 

The floor caved and I was falling, not an edge to jump from, but the world caving below me. His eyes never left mine as gravity pulled me down. Sorrow tugging at his strong features making him weak and vulnerable as we all were. It made me realize he was just as convoluted as the rest of us, as Heero was, as I was, as Chang was. All of us missing pieces, but trying so hard to live in a society that had no use for broken soldiers.

 

I was between floors, about to loose sight of him, feeling like I was loosing him all over again. I called for him, called his name, screamed it, trying to keep him there, to keep him from leaving. Despite how I wanted, my cry had no affect on the physical world, gravity didn't stop and I kept falling loosing sight of him as my weight and that of everything with me crashed into the seventh floor, which wasn't sturdy enough to take the abuse.

 

My yell cut off as pain cut through, knocking the wind from me, the next floor rushing towards me. I caught a few glimpses of the guys in passing on the sixth, fifth, and forth floors. None were able to help shocked and stunned at horrendous sound and chaos that fell passed them.

 

I finally stopped the concrete of the basement able to hold me and all the debris that clung to me. Oh yeah, that fuckin hurt. I was learning how to work my lungs again rolling to my side, and then to my back feeling things hurt in way too many places. I coughed away the encroaching smoke. Luckily I turned to my back when I did to see a board that fell behind trying to catch up with the rest of us, I hurriedly twisted to the side hearing the wood crack into the debris, not even wanting to imagine what it would have felt like if it had landed on my skull, which was where it'd been aiming.

 

“What, no one could grab that?” I snorted to the few heads peeking down the mess of holes my body created in the building. I rolled again to my back, admiring my handy work. Something jumped that upper most hole, before I could speculate people came to distract me. The debris being scattered by their rushed steps.

 

“You okay?” Charlie's face was all I saw. “You hurt?”

 

“I fell through eight fuckin floors, yeah I'm doin great.” I snorted aching in so many places I wasn't sure which was worse, forgetting everything else for the moment.

 

“Let's get the handcuffs off first.” Chang said rolling me to the side, undoing the cuffs, and returning me to my back.

 

“Can you get up?” Adam asked appearing on my right next to Chang.

 

“White, radio for an ambulance and grab the med kit from the trunk.” Chang barked orders to some unseen Preventer.

 

“You look like shit.”

 

“Thanks Sandman.” I snorted to his nervous face forcing everyone back from me as I sat up. Ignoring Chang's ranting protest for me to stay still. I groaned taking sensitive breaths assessing damage and this time there was some. I cast my eyes upward then to those around me, all congregating to the basement, or they should've.

 

“Where's Yuy?” My eyes went back to the mass of holes. I almost wished I hadn't asked the question as a gunshot punctuated it from somewhere above. Shit.

 

I was off slipping on the mess I made, physically and mentally. Charlie got a hold of me where I wavered.

 

“Duo you can't…” His words stuck, he able to visualize the mess in my head playing on my face.

 

“Let me go!” I pulled against him, he hesitant to my will. “All this…all this shit is my fault, everything, all this fuckin death.”

 

“Yuy come in.” Nothing but static replied from Yuy's radio. “Yuy, come in!” Still no reply. “Keep him here. I'm taking a team up.” Chang commanded.

 

“No.” Chang looked to me and my protest. It was my fault and my responsibility. I had to be the one to go.

 

“You can't do anything in your condition.”

 

“You have no idea what I'm capable of.” I stood up straight. My mind was still in flux a myriad of contradiction and conflicting emotions. Solo's words had sent me over that edge. Every second that passed I was falling faster and faster, breaking apart piece by piece.

 

“Let him go Charlie.” Chang knew exactly where I was, he was a good Preventer able to read the situation for what it was. I wouldn't kill him, I wasn't that out of it yet, but I would hurt whoever I had to, to get where I needed to be. It wasn't a question of friendship or betrayal; it was the way this moment had to go.

 

Chang stepped back permitting me to continue. I didn't question it, going, hearing him follow behind me. He was right though, I was in no condition to do anything. My head had hit a few too many boards, leaving me dizzy and nauseous. I'd bruised or cracked a few ribs, which made every move of my torsos and every breath I took extremely painful. My middle and ring finger of my right hand were assuredly broke in a few places, I was reminded when I used the hand to steady myself on a hallway wall. My legs ached, my muscles completely zapped of all fuel running on sheer will alone. Unfortunately my will was nearly as broken as the rest of me.

 

Chang's hand grabbed me holding me too the wall next to the hole I had almost went through, sending me down all that way for a second time. “What the hell are you trying to do Duo? What are you trying to prove?”

 

Chang was pissed, that was clear, but I didn't have a way to explain it without actually explaining it. I panted painfully, my eyes on the other end of the hall, where I wanted to be. It would be easy to tell him, the hard part would be getting him to understand, getting him not to lock me up in an asylum for the rest of my life. I looked to Chang trying not to laugh, it really fuckin hurt to laugh. Nothing was going right. In fact, it could be said that it was all going wrong, but what was right and wrong? I didn't even know anymore. I really wanted to cry at that moment, just become a mess in Chang's arms, in anyone's arms willing to hold me together. How many more times was I going to have to fuck up to get it right?

 

“I really must be the God of Death.” I whimsically spoke, my eyes turning to the ceiling.

 

“What do you mean by that?” Chang analytical.

 

“All the people I killed, all the people dying around me and I'm always still there, still going. Its gotta be true right? You can't kill a God.” I pushed Chang off me and made it across the treacherous hole to the other end of the hall, up the flight of stairs. I scanned the floor, nothing there. I went up again opening the door that resided at the top, Chang still behind me.

 

I ran out on the slick roof, running to the edge waiting to see a body on the ground, maybe two. There was nothing on either of the two sides one could get to from the roof, the other sides blocked by thick sheets of metal. I wasn't sure if I was happy or sad at the turn of events. I heard my name called as I sat indian style on the roof, my hands gripping my knees as I smiled up to the sky, the warm sun breaking through shining down. It didn't matter who or what I was, the suns warmth didn't care, artificial or real, it still had the same functions. Providing photosynthesis for plants, keeping people from becoming overly depressed, shinning a light to sustain life. I let it sustain me, opening my eyes staring into the blinding white so bright in the sky.

 

It was the reason for my tears, its burning heat was what made me cry. Even when my head dropped and my hands were cradling my face, it was the memory of that heat that made me cry, that made me break. It was that heat that made me scream out against it, against its torment. That heat, which called all the pain, the years of things I'd kept locked so deep inside I couldn't even find them. It was the heat that made me see all those faces, all my cruelty, all my inhumanity. The heat I couldn't escape.

 

The arms came around my waist pulling me back from the ledge I hadn't even known I was on. So desperate to reach that heat, touch that warmth, burn with it, burn it out of existence. The two of us hit the ground, he grunting in pain behind me, but still holding me tight.

 

The grin on my lips quivered. “I'm such a fuckin coward.” I was, there was no denying that, wanting to kill myself because it was easier than facing who I was and not even man enough to do it without completely deluding myself. Subconsciously doing what I consciously wanted.

 

“We're all cowards Duo. We never say what we mean, always running from ourselves. That's what people do, not just us, everyone.” His words laced with ache.

 

He actually got me to laugh, though it was clouded by sorrow. “Is that supposed to make me feel better Yu?”

 

“Did it?” He asked unwilling to let his grip on my waist ease in the slightest.

 

“No.” My eyes swelled with water.

 

“Then it wasn't.” His forehead came to my shoulder. “Who was that? Who is he to you?”

 

It was subtle, but for Yuy subtle usually meant dire, that twinge in his voice, shaking his words. Trained to keep in on the inside, it had to be bad to show itself in any form. Initially was one thing, but it had been a good minute since he dragged me down, he should be hiding it, hiding like we hid everything. He wouldn't let me go, wouldn't let me get away from him.

 

“You wouldn't believe me if I told you.” I cast a glance to the door we had come out from seeing Chang standing next to it hands covered in blood, a towel in one of them saturated in red, his head bowed and turned to the side. I felt the heat on my back as Yuy coughed.

 

“I'll believe anything you tell me.” It was supposed to be a joke and he was supposed to laugh, instead he only grunted in pain, coughing again, his arms tightening around me giving me an idea of how much pain he was in, which was a lot.

 

I couldn't see, everything getting fuzzy. I wasn't even sure how I was still able to make tears, but my body produced more. Solo was right, it did hurt, all this shit hurt and no matter how many stitches or how much gauze and antiseptic I had, it wasn't going to fix it.

 

“Chang!” But it would help Yuy. I wanted to give the Chinese man more orders, but I was choking on a too many feelings.

 

“I'm fine Duo. Don't cry.” Heero held me all the tighter as Chang came to us, trying to get the wounded man off me.

 

“Heero, you have to let him go. You're not indestructible.” Heero wasn't hearing him.

 

“I'm fine.” Heero said into my back.

 

“Duo's not going anywhere. He'll be there when you wake up, but you have to let him go.” Chang insisted, though he was talking more to me as I hid my sorrow in my left hand, wondering how and why we ever lived so long, why it was we were so fucked up.

 

“He's always going…” Heero's pained voice faded, his hands losing their grip on me setting me free. I didn't feel free and didn't move until Chang pulled me away. I dropped my hand seeing Yuy down, eyes closed, face pale, like there was no life left in him. It was believable with all the blood around him. So much of it, I'm sure that was what was on my back. My view was blocked by a mess of EMT's surrounding him, yelling things I didn't understand as they loaded him on the stretcher.

 

He was so strong, as much shit as I talked about Yuy; I knew he was the strongest of us. Nothing could keep him down, he shook off injuries most would be on the ground screaming and crying from. How was it that he made such an error? Something wasn't right.

 

“Wait!” I yelled grabbing at the people trying to wheel Heero by me. So wrapped up in myself I didn't ask, I didn't wonder. Why didn't he take a shot, but Solo did?

 

Chang grabbed me pulling me back. Why did he come for me when he was suffering like that? Why was he putting me first? Why was he so fucking stupid?

 

“Wait.” They were already gone, working as hard as they could to get Yuy out of there as fast as possible. I'd be surprised if he made it to the hospital, let alone out of the building alive.

 

“Duo, everything's going to be fine. Yuy's stronger than you think. He has a better chance since the bullet missed his heart.” I broke Chang's grip glaring at him.

 

“It should have missed him all together!” Chang was a hard man to beat, he took that spat anger, not shying away in the least.

 

“We all make choices, sometimes we aren't always aware of them, but consciously or unconsciously we are always choosing the path we will follow.”

 

“What the fuck are you telling me Chang? That Yuy chose to be shot? Is that it?”

 

“That could be, but when I said we all make choices I didn't narrow it to just Yuy, you or I. Everyone makes choices and those choices effect everything around them. Maybe Yuy didn't choose to be shot, but the person who discharged their weapon chose to shoot him.”

 

“Obviously he chose to fuckin shoot him.”

 

“That's true, but if Yuy hadn't pursued him, he wouldn't have made that choice. If you didn't choose to run into the building, he wouldn't have made that choice. Do you understand?”

 

I had run out of tears, or maybe it was Chang that was getting in the way of them. A darker emotion took me as I glared at the Chinese man. “So, it's my fault.”

 

“I'm not using this to pass blame. It is a string of choices people made and resulted the way it resulted. Nothing more, nothing less.” Chang stated.

 

“Yeah, unless Yuy dies. Then it's my fault.”

 

Chang heaved a sigh. “It's not your fault Duo. Try as you might to take the blame, Yuy, in the end, is the one that made the choice. You can't take the blame for everything, though it seems that's what you want. Everyone who has died in your life wasn't by your own hands; it was a string of choices that led to tragic results.”

 

I had to laugh, my god, what else could I do. “You got it all wrong Chang, everyone got it wrong.”

 

“What happened today Duo?” Chang watched me closely, every tick, every twitch of any muscle he took notice of. Nosy little fucker, he wanted to know. Fine, let's see what he thought.

 

“What happened eh? Where to start huh?” I smirked meeting eyes with Chang. “Ran into Solo, guess he wanted to straighten a few things in my head out.” Chang's eyebrows fell, it was obvious he wasn't going to believe me, but oddly, let me keep going. “Let's see, first there's the church. Yeah, I burned that place down cause I thought that's what Solo wanted. Man, was I wrong, he was pissed as hell.”

 

Chang crossed his arms over his chest, showing he was not at all amused with my `joke.' “You didn't know Solo before the church.”

 

“Oh yeah sure, that's what my file says doesn't it. So small that thing, you think you can actually trust it?” Chang's sever look lightened. “Charlie was onto something when he said that shit the other day. Lotta info on everyone but me huh? Cause L2's a poor ass colony, you could believe that right? Heh, yeah that's what Professor G was banking on. Smart little rat, wasn't he?”

 

“You knew Solo before then?”

 

“Yep, I was trained just like Yuy, met him too when we were kids, but Professor G wanted me better and what better then a killer that can play at emotions, one that can slide up right next to you and laugh before stabbing the knife in your heart.”

 

Chang didn't say a thing processing all this knew info, so I continued.

 

“It was a good idea, but Solo got in the way, got me to leave. I stayed with him for awhile, which fucked up all my training. Here I was a monster never meant to feel anything, but Solo got me too. I didn't know, just as fucked as Yuy. I killed a lot of people, burned down that church, which he fuckin screamed at me for, pissed me off so I went off killing everyone I could. Solo was just as screwed up as we were cause his ass took me back. Then that plague came, sounds familiar right? The plague that killed all the kids and shit. Yeah, not exactly what happened.

“I did break in and get that cure, only for Solo though. Pissed him off again, he made us go back and get some for everyone else. It made me mad, mad he was mad at me, so I killed all them kids in the alley, every one of them, cause they were why he was mad at me. I was the plague that killed Solo's gang.” I could hardly believe I was saying it all, but there I was telling Chang all this shit and he was listening.

 

“Did you kill Solo as well?” Maybe he was just playing along, I didn't really know, but was more than willing go on.

 

“Yeah, later.” I looked at the building. “After we stayed here awhile. How do you think I knew it so well?” I returned my attention to Chang, my anger flitting away. “Solo and I spent a lot of time here. I'm sure it took all of him not to turn his back on me for all the fucked up shit I did. Killing everyone else in his life. I guess I didn't know what else to do.” I couldn't look at Chang anymore, realizing so much more as I remembered it now. “He was all I had, he was everything to me, the only person I let get close, who wasn't afraid of me, who wanted to help me. He had so many reasons to walk away, but never did, never raised a hand to me, doing all he could to keep me safe.” I had to wipe at my eyes.

 

“What happened?” Chang inquired trying to keep the story going.

 

“I happened, the thing I was supposed to be happened.” I smiled mournfully at Chang. “I wasn't made to love Chang; I was made to kill, built for war, nothing else. And when I realized I loved him I called G. Then I left this place telling Solo to meet me in the park. The stupid fuck actually showed too.” I used both hands to wipe my face trying to shake off all the damn emotions getting in the way. Solo was just as fuckin stupid as Yuy. He had to know what was going to happen if he showed up and still he came.

 

“And?” Chang pressed.

 

“And I stabbed him and left him for dead, ran back to Professor G like the coward I am and had him erase everything.” I shook my head at the ground.

 

“Erase everything?” Chang didn't follow.

 

“Yeah, rewrite it all. None of the shit you have on file, none of the shit you know was true. Solo isn't dead, he's the God of Death and the reason he did all that shit was to get to me, to get those memories back to me so he could kill me for all the shit he went through. Professor G taking his life away, locking him up on Earth hoping he'd die there, but he didn't and neither did I.” I raised my head to Chang.

 

I expected the skepticism. “This is what you believe to be true?”

 

“It's not what I believe Chang. It's the way it happened. Ask Yuy, if he even lives, ask him who he saw. A guy with black hair green eyes, taller than him, in a green shirt, and black and white camo pants. If he says that, then you should think about believing me.”

 

“Why would that make me believe you?” Chang was not an easy man to convince of anything.

 

“Because that's what Solo looks like, that's what he was wearing when we met in the park, that's what he was wearing before he shot out the floor here, because that's Solo.”

 

“Duo if what you're saying is true…” I don't even think Chang knew what to say if it was true.

 

“Yeah Chang, it's true. It's what happened to me.” I stepped to him gripping a hand to his wet Preventer uniform; he must have been in the rain awhile too. “So can you help me? Can you tell me what I should do? I chose to forget it all. You said we all make choices and I chose to erase my past, erase everything I've done.” I bit my lip, keeping it from shaking as my hand tightened on his uniform. “I can't even figure out who I'm supposed to be anymore. I based my whole life on a past that was a lie, the lie I wanted it to be. So Chang,” I had to pause barely able to get the last out, “tell me what to do.”

 

It was a sight, to see Chang struggling for words. The harsh laugh left me, like that endless water from my eyes. Not even the Great Chang had an answer.

 

“You should go make sure Yuy's still alive.” I turned my back on him walking towards the center of the roof.

 

“You're coming with.” Chang placed a hand on my shoulder.

 

“No I'm not.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Why? Why would I? I'm a coward Chang. I don't know how to do anything else, but run away. Even now, even though I know it's all true, I still want to deny it. I'll still deny it.”

 

“Then why did you tell me?”

 

I actually looked over my shoulder giving him a grin. “Because you're my psychologist Chang.” He didn't find me amusing in the least.

 

“You're right. And as your psychologist I deem you self-destructive and suicidal.” My protest caught in my throat as the back of my head met with a sharp pain turning my world to black colors. Chang was a smart asshole, how could I forget.

 

I was partially conscious, groggy as hell, but still holding on as he lifted me from the roof. “Chang…” I had enough trouble forming his name let alone anything else. My left hand weakly pushed at his face. Odd that, I wanted it to grab him.

 

“You have to fight everything, even those out to help you. You should rectify that statement of yours to `I don't know how to do anything, but run away and be difficult to all those around me.'” His words sharp, I only able to get some wordless sound from my mouth as my hand ran down his cheek. “And you, how long were all of you here?” Chang snorted doublely annoyed.

 

“Too long.” It sort of sounded like Adam.

 

“Are you going to allow me to take him to the hospital?” Chang questioned, I blearily able to see him look down on me. “It's beyond me how someone so resistant to everyone found such faithful friends.”

 

I really hoped I was flipping Chang off cause I was trying so hard.