Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Giving In ❯ Through the Darkness ( Chapter 1 )

I don't own Gundam Wing or any of its charters…

~Will you, walk me
To the edge again
Shaking, lonely, and I am drinking again
Woke up tonight and no one's here with me
I'm giving in to you~

Giving In: Adema

The bottles, the knives are really all the friends I have that really know me. Not these fake laughs and smiles I put up. With the bottle, I can numb away everything. The blood flowing down my arms calms me so much.

So many times I said I would give it up. So many times I give it up but, I keep giving in. Quatre saw a bottle that I so stupidly left out and questioned me about it.

(Flashback)

"Duo do you drink?" Quatre asked, concern showing in his sea blue eyes. He didn't like alcohol very much and really didn't want one of his friends to drink it.

"A little yeah, why do you ask?" Duo answered with a half smile and a small shrug.

"Because I really don't want you to drink it, let alone in my house. So please, if you must drink please don't do it here, okay?"

"Yeah Q-man", Duo said with a smile, "I'll make sure not to do it here."

~like I'm really gonna stop just cause he doesn't like it~

(end flashback)

Ohh well, no point in thinking about that now. I need to be happy. 'Tomorrow's my birthday, maybe I'll get to have some fun,' Duo thought to himself, all while drowning another tall glass of vodka and puckers. He picked himself off the ground of his secret hiding place and walked back to the mansion.



Duo awakes, already happy because it's his birthday. He goes downstairs and into the kitchen where he finds a note.

Duo,

I went out with Trowa to the circus. Heero and Wu Fei are working on their gundams so everyone will be pretty late coming in there's pancakes in the microwave for you. Don't wait up for us.



See ya later,

Quatre

Duo was taken aback by the fact that no one remembered his b-day. 'Ohh well.' He thought as he went upstairs to find his knife and bottle of vodka

"I can't help the pain I feel. I know I should just get on with life. So what, they forgot my birthday it's ok," Duo sighed. He'd been saying this all day and each time he said it, the hurt he felt grew and the need to cut grew with it. The guys had come back around one in the morning. Duo was lucky he had just cleaned up or he would have been a hell of a lot to explain the bottles and blood everywhere.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>&g t;>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>& gt;>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>

The next morning Duo had gotten up as usual and did everything like he always did. He went down stairs took a deep breath and walked into the kitchen, mask falling firmly into place as he gave everyone a huge smile. After talking, eating, and acting like a fool, everyone (well Quatre anyway) gave him their plans. Heero and Trowa were staying in, so Duo decided that he was definitely not staying in the house. Wu Fei was going, yet again, to work on his gundam, and Quatre was going into town and said Duo was more than welcome to come along with him. Duo decided to go with Quatre.

(A few hours later)

"Duo do you wanna rent a movie?" Quatre asked while keeping his eyes on the road.

"Nope I can't tonight." Duo answered hoping the blond pilot would not dig for more info because tonight, Duo had decided to do something big. He was going to tell Heero how much he loved him. Duo figured that sooner or later something good would happen and he hoped this would be it, he needs some light in his darkness. He was starting to give in to his addictions too much. Each time he cut, it was deeper than before and each time he drank it was more and more.



Duo thought he was safe when Quatre didn't answer, but he was wrong.

"Why you got some thing planed?" Quatre asked, curiosity flashing in his eyes. Duo chose his next words carefully not wanting to lie to his friend. This was the one thing he hated about Quatre. He was sometimes to nosey. "Umm... yeah... I got plans. I have to talk to someone."

Quatre's eyes shown brightly, "Who is it? Heero?!" Duo just looked, "I knew it. I've always known you had a thing for him."

Duo looked shocked. 'How did he know? Am I that obvious?'

Quatre just smiled back as if he knew what Duo was thinking, and answered. "No, you're not. I can just tell with these kinds of things. Duo nodded slowly, not sure what to say. He always thought he hide it so well. Quatre just continued to smile as he drove them back to the house.

Heero sat quietly typing away at his laptop as Duo walked in.

~Well it's now or never. Here goes nothing~ Duo thought, as he stepped behind Heero and took a deep breath.

"Hey Heero can I ...umm... talk to ya for a minute?" Duo asked.


"Hn," Heero replied, so Duo took it as a yes.

"Well ummm that is... I ummm... I."

"Duo get on with it." Heero grunted out.

"Fine," said Duo, as he took a deep breath. "Heero I...love you."

Minutes passed by and Heero said nothing. Finally he turned around and stood up.

Duo looked at him with hope in his eyes and tears already falling. Thinking he had been rejected and getting scared he stared to ramble.

"YouknowHeeroifyoudon'tlikeboysorwhateveritsummcoolyaknow. "

Heero's hand went up and Duo flinched, but instead of the hit he had be waiting for, the hand gently wiped away his tears.

"Heero I," but before Duo could get the words out, Heero silenced him with his lips. The kiss was soft at first and as time progressed, it grew more intense. Duo thought he was in heaven.


They finally broke away both panting for air.

"Duo," Heero breathed, "I love you too."

Duo's eyes lit up as he pounced on Heero, kissing him full force. Heero regained his balance and started to move toward the bed. The back of Duo's knees hit the bed and he fell backward with Heero on top. Duo started to nibble on Heero's ear, then moved to his neck, both taking turns to explore each other.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> ;>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>&g t;>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>& gt;>>>>


They stayed like that for hours until they were both to tired to move and fell asleep in each other's arms.

Heero was the first to wake up, he looked down at Duo and memories of last night came back to him. He never felt so happy. Duo shifted and put his arm over his head and that's when Heero noticed the scares. He knew right away that they were from cutting. He himself had gotten over cutting a few years back and it was hell to try to stop.

~Dear lord, I need to help him now. This has to stop now that I have him. I don't want to let go~ Heero silently made a promise to Duo to help him get through this no matter what.

The next morning I took my shower and after we had finished eating, I took my time approaching the subject of Duo's cutting. I sat him down in our room and just went with the flow of things.

"Duo," I began, "I don't want to beat around the bush, so I'm going to just say it. I know what you have been doing. I know that you have been cutting."

The look that came across his face was one of sheer shock. His eyes looked like they were going to pop out of his skull.

"How did you..." He began but then stopped and looked like he was fighting with himself. I guessed, for letting himself slip and letting me find out.

He looked up at me his eyes now blank. A strange smile on his lips, and then just like that he began to cry. I took him into my arms and tried to soothe him.

"I'm really sorry Heero." He breathed out between sobs. "I just didn't know what to do. I just... just felt so lost and I felt like I wasn't really alive anymore. I-I just really needed to know that I was."

"Shh," I said to him. "I understand I really do, and that's why I want to help you work through this. I know it can be very addicting and it's hard to just stop and say you'll never do it again all at once. So I'm not going to ask you to do that."

Duo looked up at Heero, happy to know he had someone who truly loved him and who he truly loved. Yet at the moment, he felt a bit too vulnerable and just had to get away. He did not like when people saw him like this.

"Heero." Duo started meekly.

"Yeah Duo, what is it." I replied.

"I really want to thank you for being there for me," Duo said, while wiping his eyes. "But right now I just want to be alone. I'm just not used to anyone seeing me like this and even with me crying and all. I still want to keep some pride." Duo finished with a small smile on his lips.

I nodded understanding how he felt. I bent my head a little kissed him and then told him before I left the room that I wanted his razors. He handed then over reluctantly like he was losing one of his best friends. I gave him another kiss then left him to his thoughts.

Before I closed the door I said, "I love you and always will." He gave me another small smile. "I love you too and you know that means you're stuck with me right?"

"Yeah I know, what have I gotten myself into?" He laughed at that and I laughed a little to and then I shut the door. Hopeful that I could help him get over this and at the same time become even closer then we were before.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> ;>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>&g t;>>>>>>>

After a little while I returned to Duo's room to see if he was feeling better and wanted me to be with him. I knocked gently on the door and waited for him to answer.

          &nbs p;  "Go away," I heard him say from inside the room.

          &nbs p; "Duo. It's me, Heero. Can I come in?" I asked still outside his door. A moment later I heard some rustling inside the room and then saw the door open. Duo smiled at me. A smile that was genuine and true and just for me.

          &nbs p;  "Come on in Heero." He then reached out a hand and pulled me into the room and then shut the door. He then turned into my arms and wrapped both of his around my waist and put his head on my shoulder. The warmth of his body wrapped around mine made me feel complete and I was so happy that he was mine. He began to nuzzle my neck with his nose then kissed me there as well. I couldn't help but smile.

          &nbs p;  "Are you feeling better now?" I asked quietly making sure not to shatter the moment. I felt him nod his head against my neck.

          &nbs p; "Yeah I'm feeling a little better now. Thanks for asking." He kept his head where it was and I kept my arms around him for a few more minutes before deciding I needed to get to the bottom of this problem of cutting he was going through. Slowly I took my arms away and then pushed him back a little so I could see his face.

          &nbs p; "Duo? You know that I'm always going to be here for you no matter what right? That you can tell me anything at all? I want you to tell me how this started. Why you began to cut yourself? I won't judge you believe me. I used to cut myself too, until I realized that the pain I felt didn't solve my problems. It only created new problems for me to face later. So tell me, please?" I pleaded him so I could understand his reasons for doing it.

          &nbs p; Duo took a deep breath of air and began to tell me. "It started after one of our missions. I don't remember exactly which one but I know it was after one of them. I felt so empty and lifeless that I didn't even know who I was anymore. I felt that I couldn't feel anything and so I took one of my razors and sliced my arm.

          &nbs p; "The sudden pain of the cut let me know I could still feel something. I could feel the pain I had caused myself. After I realized that I could still feel I stopped cutting and bandaged up my arm so no one would notice. I started to cut myself every time I thought I couldn't feel anymore and the pain would bring me back to reality. As painfully as the cuts were, they made me feel somewhat alive. Even if for only a few minutes, I still needed those few minutes to find myself once again." Duo ended his story the looked at me to see what I thought of him now.

          &nbs p; I smiled softly at him to reassure him that I didn't think any less of him. He hesitantly smiled back at me as well and then hugged me to him. I returned the hug and then decided to tell him about my own experience to make him feel better.

          &nbs p; "Duo. I know exactly what you have gone through. I felt the same way when I was cutting myself as well. I felt that nothing could affect me any more so I looked forward to the pain I caused myself to make me feel like I was real and not some kind of weapon for this war that we're in. But then I met you.

"You, who are so full of life and could smile and joke in the worst of situations. You became the reason why I could quit cutting. You made me feel alive Duo. I want to be the reason that you feel alive too, so you can stop cutting and inducing more pain and feel alive with me."

 I looked down at Duo then and saw the tears in his eyes. But I knew these were tears of hope and joy and not of sadness and pain.

 "You really mean that Heero?" He asked, his voice cracking as tears cascaded down his cheeks.

 "Yes Duo. I meant every single word." I whispered back at him and he just let the tears run freely and latched his arms tighter around me. All I had to do was hold him until he was spent and we sank to the floor together. He fell asleep in my arms. Completely wiped out from his emotions that he showed me and all I could do was hug him to me and stay with him.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> ;>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>&g t;>>>>>>>

Well that's the first half of this story and for any of you how find this familiar it was originally posted on ff.net under the pen name of LiLPixi (a.k.a. me) and I just decide to post it on this site now for what ever reason lol. Well tell me what you think I love to get reviews ^_^