Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Growing Up Girl ❯ Chapter 11

I told Hilde about my evening, then invited her out to lunch.

We ate at a nice little café under a large awning, because I felt I deserved it. We basked in the shade and sipped our iced tea as people walked by. Saturday, and everyone was in a hurry. A horse-drawn carriage passed by.

"So what exactly is going on with you and this Heero guy?"

I stirred the tea with my straw. "What do you mean?"

"What I mean is," she peered at me, leaning forward a bit and interrupting the tranquility of our little shaded table, "he kissed you this morning. That's the second time he's done that. But from what you say, he's not so sure he considers you female."

I hissed at Hilde to lower her voice. She gave the thought a dismissive wave. "And he's been very blunt about the fact that he's not gay. So... are you two in a relationship, with all of that?"

Hilde's words knocked a sense of reality into my fantasy. I realized that I didn't know. I just didn't know. I thought I could ride it all out, see what we came to in the end. Now I was uncertain. I tried to sound casual. "I guess so. I'm not sure. I don't want to push him."

Hilde slammed her fist down on the table. I'd never seen her act so aggressive. She was usually a very easy-going person. "Dammit, Duo... I've seen you go through enough shit to last a lifetime. You don't need this, too. What if he's just jerking you around? Guys can be total dicks. He may just be using you to get into your pants and see what it's like. Do you really want that? Do you want to be that guy's whore? 'Cause if you do, you're doing a damn fine--"

"Alright, Hilde!" I slumped down in my chair and glared at the iced tea. I didn't need her to remind me of my past. Seeing myself in the mirror every day did a good enough job of that. And she didn't need to tell me how men could be, either. I knew them very well. "I'll be fine, alright? I don't need you lecturing me."

Her features softened. She sat back. "Sorry."

I stood up to leave. "It's alright. I need to get home, anyway. Heero's going to call tonight." She snorted.

I left.

Just as the six o'clock news was coming on, the phone rang. I was happy to hear Heero's voice on the other line. He seemed overly happy about something, and invited me over to his house. I was surprised that he didn't want to come pick me up, but I got ready all the same and took my beat-up old car, which I loved dearly, to his place.

There were two cars in the driveway. I parked on the street.

Heero opened the door to greet me. When I peered inside, I realized Trowa and Wufei were sitting on the couch watching television. There was also someone else there, whom I hadn't seen in a very long time.

My breath caught in my throat when I realized just who it was.

"Quatre?"

He looked over at me and his eyes widened in recognition that quickly changed to confusion. Heero stared at me. "Oh, you two know each other?"

I quickly tried to change the subject. "Where are your roommates?"

Heero seemed caught between two conversations. "They're at a party somewhere. Where do you two know each other?"

"We went to school together."

I practically felt the blood, the color drain from my face. My body went numb. I saw Wufei stiffen. "I thought you went to school with Heero?"

"I did." He wasn't being accusatory. I could tell that, at least. He was just very, very confused.

Trowa piped in. "But Heero went to an all-boy school." They slowly turned to stare at me.

I saw Heero's jaw tighten. I took a minute step back, feeling the sudden need to run away. Fast. I looked pathetically at Quatre. He looked away. "I went to school with Duo before the Academy."

And just like that, the tension left the room. Heero relaxed. Trowa and Wufei seemed to nod in unison before turning back to the television.

It took an amazing amount of self-control to excuse myself to the bathroom. Once inside, I shut the door and started trembling like crazy. I slowly sank to the floor, covering my mouth and trying to remember how to breath. I had almost been found out. My secret had almost been revealed.

After a while, there was a knock on the door. I expected it was Heero and opened it. Quatre stood there, looking down at me. When had he gotten so tall? He had grown so much. I still felt so very small.

"What is going on with you, Duo?" I opened the door fully. He stepped inside and used the better light of the bathroom to look over me.

I had to look away. "I've changed a bit."

"Yes, you have."

"Don't tell me you didn't know about it. You know what happened the day I left school."

"I heard rumors that you were really a girl, or something. How could you expect me to believe that?" He put his hands on his hips, defiant of what I was implying I wanted him to believe.

"I wasn't really a girl. I just became one."

I faired a glance at him. He was smirking. Then he shook his head. "Alright, then." He put his hand on my shoulder. It was gentle. I didn't feel the need to shy away from it. "I'm sorry I almost messed things up. I'll be more careful next time."

I was in shock. How could someone be so understanding? People like that really existed? How could that be? How could...?

We finally left the bathroom. Heero had settled down on the love seat in the living room. I sat next to him. Trowa was hunched over the table. His long legs stuck out to the sides as he peered down, closely scrutinizing something. I looked closer and realized what it was.

I turned to Heero and glared at him. "You invited me over to smoke weed?"

Heero grinned. I turned back and watched Trowa struggle to roll the joint. I held out my hand. "May I?" He raised his eyebrows, but handed it over. I quickly finished rolling it and gave it back to him. I'd done it enough, it was an ingrained habit, now. Linda was always fumbling clumsily with those things. I had become her official roller, even if I'd never smoked before.

In a matter of seconds, the permeating smell of marijuana was all around. I watched them all take hits from it. Even Heero. And then it was passed to me. I licked my suddenly dry lips. Did I really want to do this? Was it peer pressure?

Heero was staring at me, and suddenly I didn't care. I put it to my lips and sucked on it, then immediately exhaled. Quatre started laughing.I realized everyone was staring at me.

Heero shook his head and reached over to take the joint from me. I stared at him, confused. "That's not how you smoke, girl." And then he showed me how. "You gotta put your lips like this. Yeah. And then you take it into your mouth. And then you breathe in. And hold it."

I watched him sit there, imagining the smoke swirling about in his lungs as he held them tightly shut. And when he exhaled, it was smooth and sexy. Linda used to cough a lot. I tried again, with my new knowledge.

I inhaled and began a coughing fit. Heero put his hand on my back. Quatre was laughing like mad. "That'll happen the first few times," Heero said soothingly.

I sat back on the couch, feeling like the top of my head had opened up and the light from the room was pouring into it, pushing out my soul. It was so strange.

I felt like I was outside myself. And when it came back around, I took another hit. And then another. Trowa told me to pass it on. I reluctantly did so.

Eventually, the joint was gone. We all sat in a smoke-filled room, with cartoons running wild on the television in front of us. Quatre was still laughing like crazy. Wufei seemed angry. Trowa was extremely quiet. Heero had his arm around my shoulder and was gently tickling my arm with his fingertips, as if he couldn't stop touching me.

Then Quatre sat up, a serious look on his face. "Heero... do you remember that time in school? When the football team, they were doing that hazing thing? And they made us jump into the pool naked in the middle of winter?"

Heero nodded solemnly and inched closer to me. I leaned my head on his shoulder.

"That was funny!"

And then Quatre burst out laughing again. The laughter contagiously caught on to Wufei and Trowa and myself. Heero laughed a little. I could feel his body shaking beside me.

"I remember one time in high school," Wufei started, suddenly happy after the laughing fit. "There was this girl that I really liked... and she came to school one day with this big pimple on her face. And I finally got up the courage to talk to her, and I made her smile, and the pimple just exploded and hit me right in the face!"

Everyone started laughing. Trowa yelled at him. "You fucking liar, man! It was your pimple that exploded in the girl's face, dumbass."

That only served to make us laugh harder. Heero leaned forward and slapped his thigh, he was laughing so hard.

I definitely didn't regret coming over, now. Heero was laughing. I realized it was the first time I'd seen him laugh.

Wufei got up and went to the kitchen. Trowa told me to roll another joint. I was just finishing it up when Wufei came back with a six pack. He passed around the beers. We all passed around the joint.

As the night passed, we became more mellow. The marijuana took hold of our bodies and our minds.

The conversation returned to school. Out of nowhere, Trowa sat up, leaned forward on his knees, and pointed at Quatre. He was squinting and looking confused. "Wait a minute, here..."

We all waited anxiously for something new to laugh at.

"You said Duo was your roommate. How the hell were did you get a girl as a roommate?"

The only sound in the room was the television. Trowa was drunk. He wanted an answer. Quatre stared at him blankly. His mind hadn't been ready for that. He couldn't think fast enough.

"Man, will you shut the hell up about that already?" Heero was staring at him angrily. His arm had tightened around my shoulder. I watched Trowa slowly turn and glare at Heero. Wufei was doing the same.

"...something's going on here," Wufei surmised.

Trowa agreed with a grunt. He turned his glare on me. "Just what school did you go to, Duo?"

I stared at him blankly. Inside, I was shaking with fear. I tried not to let it show as I wondered how this had happened. Why this had happened.

Wufei's eyes passed over me meticulously. "Something's going on here," he said again.

"I said shut up. Both of you." Heero sat forward slightly, getting ready to defend me. Or himself. His pride. Even now, I don't know which it was.

Trowa sat back a little, apparently surprised at the outburst. "What are you guys hiding?"

There was silence for a while, save for that damn tv.

"Someone better spill it."

No one who knew the truth seemed willing. More time passed. Trowa went back to watching tv. The atmosphere was heavy with doubt and unspoken truths. I realized the night was over.

I pulled free of Heero's hold and quickly went out the door. Heero followed me. He called for me to wait, but that only made me move faster. I was just about to open the door to my car when his hand on my wrist made me stop. I turned and glared at him furiously.

"Just what the hell are you trying to do to me, Heero?" I was screaming at him. With the words, I began to cry. He pulled on my wrist a bit. I jerked away.

He looked distraught. Sad. Worried. "I'm not trying to do anything, Duo. I don't know what I'm doing."

I slapped him across the face. The sound echoed in my mind. I'd never thought I was capable of such an action, but I did it, all the same. He didn't move, face turned to the side from the force of the blow. He hissed in pain. I'd hit his bruised, scraped cheek. "You bring me over here to get stoned with your friends. You invite Quatre. Quatre, Heero. You knew him from school! What the hell were you thinking?" I stopped crying when I realized just how angry I was.

"It was a big school." He turned to look at me, then looked away. "I didn't know you knew each other."

"We lived in the same room! He almost blurted out everything in front of your friends! Do you have any idea what that would do to me?"

He glared at me. I'd never been under the full force of that glare; never realized how powerful it was. I took a step back in fear. "Do you know what it would do to me, Duo? Do you realize what I'm risking for you? You're so damn selfish!" He stepped closer. "What about me? What about my reputation? Stop thinking about yourself and look at what I'm risking just to see you."

My mouth fell open. I could not believe the words coming out of his mouth. Complete and utter numbness washed over me. I couldn't feel angry. Or sad. Or even confused. I was too shocked for anything.

And then anger hit me like a ton of bricks. I shoved him in the chest, pushed him against the side of my car. "How dare you say those things to me! How dare you! I've lived my entire life for myself, just trying to survive! I have a damn right to be selfish. If I wasn't selfish, I wouldn't be who I was today! I wouldn't be a girl right now!" I was screaming right in his face. It was no wonder the front door had opened and Heero's friends had slowly come outside.

It was also no wonder they'd heard every word.

Trowa was approaching us, Wufei in tow. They each grabbed on to one of us and pulled us apart. I fought against Trowa as he held my arms. Being held back only made me want to attack Heero more. I elbowed Trowa in the ribs and stepped on his foot. He had a time keeping hold of me.

"Damn, you fight like a guy!"

That stopped me in my tracks. I went limp in his arms. He didn't bother to hold on to me. I sank to the ground again, feeling lifeless. I stared at nothing and everything. Trowa was standing over me, arms crossed. He was smirking and looked almost malicious. "That's your secret, isn't it? You're a guy."

It would have seemed presumptuous under any other circumstances, if anyone else had been accused of it. With me, though, it was true. I couldn't lie. I couldn't even find the strength to lie. I didn't admit to it, either. Admitting to it would mean my life had been worthless. And I wasn't a guy. I wasn't male. That was the whole point. I slowly stood back up.

"Do you pee standing up, or what?" Wufei started laughing.

I looked at Heero. He was still being held back, though he wasn't giving much resistance. Maybe he couldn't find the strength to fight back. A car slowly came to a stop on the street behind us. Some of Heero's roommates poured out. They were all drunk and yelling loudly.

Our attention turned to them. Their attention turned to us.

"...the fuck is going on here?"

Wufei let go of Heero and pointed at me. "That's a guy, man! He's a fucking faggot!"

I cringed at the word. I'd heard it so many times before, it made me sick. I remembered being beaten up in the showers and having that word yelled at me to remind me, each time I was kicked with a steel-toed boot. I remembered being shoved into the pool and taunted as I tried to get out and was shoved back in. And they called me a faggot. I remembered having my pants pulled down as I was held and struggled to get away, and they poked painfully at my genitals as they mocked me. And they called me a faggot. I remembered having my head shoved into the toilet and coughing up water that tasted of urine. And I gagged and threw up. And they called me a faggot. And the teachers who turned their heads away and ignored the bullying because I was a faggot. I was nothing more than a faggot.

The others were surrounding me. I didn't even care anymore.

"Leave her the fuck alone!"

Heero shoved some of them away. There were too many. They were his friends. He wasn't willing to fight them. Not for me. They kept him back. They kept him away from me. I was pulled to my feet by one of them. He grabbed my chest. "Man, she's got tits. It's a girl."

"No way. That's a guy."

And they started to argue amongst themselves. Was I male? Was I female? Was I caught in between? Something not accepted? Not acceptable? And the consensus of the group was that I should have my clothes removed. That way, they would know.

My shirt was ripped off. My bra was pulled on and snapped painfully back to my skin. My skirt was pulled up around my chest and my panties were ripped away. I screamed.

"I said leave her the fuck alone!" And then there was a flurry of movement. Fists went flying. There was shouting. I watched Heero get hit, and return the punch. Quatre ran over to me and helped me up. He put me in my car and climbed in beside me. Before I knew it, we were driving away from everything. I watched the streetlights fly past and wondered how fast we were going.

Quatre used his knee to steer the car as he took off his shirt and handed it over to me. I glanced at the piece of fabric he'd offered me to cover myself with. Then I looked at him. Shirtless. Muscles and biceps and a bare chest, full of power.

And I screamed.