Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Gundam Wing: And The Old Hag ❯ Chapter 1! ( Chapter 1 )

The Old Hag

Gundam Wing and The Holy Grail

(Gundam Wing de den Holie Grailen Old Hagen)

Written and performing by:

Trowa Barton

Dorothy Catalonia

Eric Idle

Treaze Kushranada

Duo Maxwell

Lucretza Noin

Milliardo Peacecraft

Relena Peacecraft

Sally Po

Lizzy Rocket

Lady Une

Quatre R. Winner

Chang Wufei

Heero Yuy

(Roten nik Akten di)

With:

Freakazoid

Tim the Enchanter

Robins Minstrels

(Wik)

Also appearing:

Bob Franklin

Austin Michles

Ryan Mike

Josh Lidos

Stephanie Freely

Mike Polers

Jake Tolos

Rachel Finnei

Alex Newmen

Greg Rustle

Richard Mikenly

Kelly Rodston

Jessie James

Michel Jackson

And many others…

(Also wik)

Also also appearing:

The old hag

The holy hand grenade of Antioch

The French guards

The trogon rabbit

The Black Knight

And so on…

(Also also wik)

Special thanks to:

Terry Gilliam

Terry Jones

Eric Idle

Michael Palin

John Cleese

Graham Chapman

(Wi not trei holiday in sweden this yër?)

I thank them for writing the first one…:

Or else I wouldn't be able to write this one…

(See the loveli lakes)

Why I thank them:

I don't want to be sued…

(The wonderful telephone system)

Animals provided by:

The Zoo

(and mani interesting furry animals)

Moose provided by:

The Zoo…

(including the majestic moose)

Stunt moose's provided by:

My sister and brother in a costume…

(a moose once bit my sister…)

Lighting provided by:

Quatre's mechanic team

(No realli! She was karving her initals on the moose with the sharpened end of an interspace toothbrush given her by Svenge-her-brother-in-law-an Oslo dentist and star of many Norwegian movies: "The Hot Hands on The Oslo Dentist." "Fellings of Passion." "The Huge Molars of Horst Nordfink."___)

We apologise for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked.

(Mynd you, moose bits kan be pretti nasti…)

We apologise again for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking the people have just been sacked.

Moose Trained by: Yutte Hermsgervordenbrotbor

Special moose effects: Olaf Prot

Moose costumes: Siggi Churchill

Moose trained to mix concrete and sign complicated document forms by: Jurgen Wigg

Moose choreographed by: Horst Prot III

Moose nose whiped by: Bjorn Irekekstom-Slater Walk

Moose also trained by: Bo Been

Suggestive poses for the moose suggested by: Vic Rotter

The directors of the film hired to continue the credits after the other people had been sacked, wish it to be known that they have been sacked.

The credits have been completed in an entirely different style at great expense and at the last moment.

Executive producer

John Goldstone and 'Ralph' the wonder Llama

Assisted by:

Milt Q. Llama

Mirol Z. Llama

Sy Llama

Earl J. Llama

Reg. Llama of Brixton

140 Mexican whooping Llamas are used

England 134 AD

(Our story begins with our King, Heero, coming over a hill in the normal fashion, galloping like a horse, followed by his trusty servant patsy, played by Trowa who is banging two empty halves of coconut together to make it sound like horse hooves.)

(They come to a castle and man pops out)

Heero: Hello, up there! I am Heero from the court of Camelot! I have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land.

Man: ridden on what a donkey?

Heero: NO…

Man: But that's what the script says!

Heero: Look at it again

(Patsy is juggling while the Man looks at his script)

Man: Ok! I got it now! What ridden on a horse?

Herro: Yes!

Man: You're using coconuts!

Heero: So…can I talk to the lord of this castle?

Man: Where did you get the coconuts?

Heero: What do you mean?

Man: the coconut's tropical!

Heero: the sparrow may fly south for winter and the toucan seeks warmer climbs in winter yet these are not strangers to our land?

Man: Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?

Heero: not at all! they could be carried!

Man: what? a toucan carrying a coconut?!

Heero: lets forget about the coconuts for a second! Can I talk to your lord and master?!

Man: in order to maintain air speed velocity a toucan has to beet its wings 400 times a second am I right?

Heero: Please!

Man: Am I right?!

Heero: I'm not interested!

Man#2: It could have been carried by and African toucan!

Man#1: oh yeah and African toucan maybe but not a European toucan!

Man#2: oh yeah your right.

(The men keep discussing coconuts as Heero and patsy walk off)

Heero: Well that was stupid…

Patsy nods his head in agreement

(The seen changes to a low life's town somewhere near Heero)

(A man who looks almost excsacly like Duo is yelling-(this is because of the black pelage in England))

Man#3: (bong) Bring out your dead animals! (Bong) bring out your dead animals!

Man#4: I have a dead penguin for you

Penguin: I'm not dead!

Man#3: he can talk!!

Man#4: No he can't…

Penguin: I'm not a Penguin…

Man#4: yes you are your just delirious…

Man#3: I can't take him like that.

Penguin: I think I'll go for a walk…

Man#4: your not fooling anyone you know…

Man#3: I still can't take him.

Penguin: I fell fine

Man#4: Oh shut up…

Penguin: I fell happy, so happy!!

(Man#3 takes his stick and kills the penguin just to shut him up)

Man#4: Thanks very much…

Man#3: no problem.

(At that moment Heero and Patsy walk through the street)

Man#4: who is that?

Man#3: Must be a King…

Man#4: why do you say that?

Man#3: He hasn't got {censored} all over him…

(The seen again changes to Heero and Patsy walking through the forest the screen starts to dramatically switch back and forth to a man in a red suit fighting with a man in a black suit, until the man in the back suit won)

Heero: You fight with the strength of many men good sir knight! Will you join me at my court of Camelot!

Black Knight: …

Heero: I look for the strongest and bravest in the land!

Black knight: …

Heero: You remind me of Trowa…but still you make me sad…so be it! Come patsy!

Black knight: None shall pass!

Heero: What?!

Black knight: None shall pass!

Patsy: He speaks!

Heero: Patsy! You speak! But I must pass this bridge!

Black knight: then you shall die!

Heero: So be it!

(In the background fighting music is playing while The Black Knight and Heero are fighting with their swords, until Heero cut off The Black Knights arm.)

Heero: I have victory now stand aside!

Black Knight: You haven't!

Heero: I have! Your arms off!

Black knight: no it isn't!

Heero: then what's that then?

(Heero points to his arm witch is on the ground)

Black Knight: 'tis but a scratch!

Heero: A Scratch?! Your arms off!

Black Knight: I've had worse

Heero: You liar!

Black Knight: Come On ya pansy!

(Author: Ok…Ok…To make a long story short…

Every one on the set: TO LATE!

Author: ¬-¬…were just going to skip to the part about the witch…OK?!

Everyone on the set: OK!

Author: They can be so pushy sometimes!)

Heero: How come we skipped the Black Knight scene!

Author: Not you too!

Heero: How come?!

Author: Fine you wanna skip this scene too?

Heero: Well…

Author: Do Ya?

Patsy: Yes!

Author: OK now were going on to the next seen!

Heero: TROWA!!!

Author: **laughs**

Many others were to become of King Arthur's round table…

(BONG!) Eric Idle: Start again! (Suddenly bucktoofus the clown comes out and waves at the crowd)

Many others were to become of Herro's round table; such as-

Miliardo…The Tall

Wufei…The Brave

Quatre…The Pure

Duo…The God of Death

And Trowa…the not so brave of Wufei, who bailey fought the chicken of brixtle and who accidentally lost his memory at the battle of Baden hill.

There was also one more to join them but died…we have dubbed him Sir Not Appearing In This Fic…

Author: OK! Now since we skipped a bunch of scenes…we now come to seen 14! …Ok…Ok…so you caught on…yes this one is a lot like the movie! So what! I know all of the people out there reading this have seen the movie!! Well most people for that matter…but anyway…heres seen 14! Enjoy!

King Heero and his knights are walking up a hill…sorry I mean galloping up a hill when the clouds open…

A Creepy voice: Arthur! Arthur!

Duo: Who the {censored} is Arthur?

(A man comes out the clouds that appears to be god)

God: Wait…your not Arthur?

(God pulls out his script and reads it over)

Everyone except god: ¬-¬

God: Ok! Ok! I get it now! Heero! Heero!

Heero: ¬-¬ what do you want?

God: I am here to set you on a quest!

Quatre: Do you mean for the Holy Grail?

God: Why, yes!

Wufei: oy…those other guys already found it!

God: they did?

The g-boys: ¬-¬…Yes…

God: Well…uh…you…can…uh…! Look for the old hag!

Duo and Wufei grumble something

God: what did you two say?

Duo: What! Who! Me?! But!

Wufei: don't even try…

Trowa: what's going on!?

(Everyone looks at trowa)

Duo: uh oh, not again!

(Quatre smacks his own head in despair)

Quatre: Trowa come on!

(Wufei picks Trowa up by the collar and shacks him then throws him down.)

Duo: …¬-¬ what was the point of that…

Wufei: trust me…

Miliardo: **sigh**

Heero: OK!!! Look we'll look for the old hag person thing..!

Trowa: …

God: OK! She looks like this!

(God holds up a picture of a beautiful woman)

Heero: She's an old hag?! **Smiles**

Duo: Growl! **Howls**

(God looks at the picture)

Trowa: …

God: Whoops did I call her an old hag! Wrong pic!

(God pulls out another picture of an old woman that is banging a cat against a wall)

Trowa: …

(Duo starts laughing and Wufei raises an eyebrow.)

Quatre: uh…

Heero: …o…k…**sweat-drop**

Duo whispers to Heero: do we have to?

Trowa: …

Heero: unfortunately…yes…

God: Ok! Now that that's over!

(Everyone looks at God in confusion.)

(God takes Duo by the ear)

Trowa: …

God: naughty, naughty! Don't you know theirs only one God!

Duo: {censored} {censored} {censored}!!!!

Wufei: oh boy…

(God starts to ascend in the clouds dropping Duo.)

(Wufei jumps on a cloud and starts fling around (details about this sentence at bottom))

Trowa: It's the O!

All the G-boys: ¬-¬`

Quatre: Wufei! That's not in the script!

Wufei stops; flies down to the ground and pulls out his script to read it.

Duo: **sweat-drops and gets up**

Wufei: oops…

Trowa: …where did the O go?

(Duo hits Trowa in the head with a large mallet.)

(Trowa passes out.)

Miliardo to Duo: thank you!

Duo: I think I did us all a favor…

Trowa: **grown**

Heero: **a-hem** lets go!!!

God: Ok! Bu-bye!

(All the g-boy mount their horses and Heero ties Trowa to his horse and they ride away…)

And so our story begins!

Monty Python and the Holy…

(Bong!) Eric Idle: Start again!

(Bucktoofus the clown comes out and waves at the crowd again)

Sorry…Gundam Wing and The Old Hag!

Announcer guy: And so our story begins with our brave Knights of the round table. Wufei, Duo, Miliardo, Quatre, and Trowa…the one who loses his memory a lot…

Trowa: **whines**

Heero: Shut up…

Duo: hey! Since Trowa is playing one of the guys of the round table, who's playe`n the roll of patsy?!

Author: Well, uh…

Duo: uh oh, this isn't gonna be good…

Author: depending on what you call good…

Duo: who then!

Author: well…heh…heh…**sweat-drop** Michele Jackson…

Duo: {censored} {censored} {censored}!!!!!!

Heero: **cringes**

Trowa: **Losses his memory and doesn't remember what anyone is talking about**

Miliardo: can't you do something?

Author: I guess so…**smiles evilly and grabs M.J. and forces him off the set, then brings in Freakazoid**

Duo: Better…

Freakazoid: what do you mean better!!! I am great!!(starts running around as if he's fling)

Duo: …ok then…let's get on with the story…please…

Heero: yes…lets…

Author: Ok!

And so our story continues with our brave Knights of the Round Table, after the little dilemma with patsy…

To be continued…

Lizzy (Author): The line about Wufei flying on a cloud was dreamed by: Dewgong! A person I do not know what so ever and do not wish to know. If you have complaints about the line don't e-mail me…because I was not the one to dream it up! You have to e-mail her…not me…because I did not write it! E-mail her at kara@vojy.com …I …I…oops…yeah so I do know her so sew me! (Sorry about the Mo-jo-jo-jo effect)

END!