Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ In The Mind Of A Princess ❯ chapter 5 ( Chapter 5 )

In The Mind Of a Princess part 5

By: Sio-san

Standard disclaimers apply.

***

Relena sprawled on her bed and sighed as she curled into a ball. She had no idea how she was going to able to survive another week of nothing. No work, no fun, nothing. The only amusement these past few days had been Wufei but he would be gone as soon as Heero got back.

Gods, it was strange. It was almost like she missed his watchful presence, even thought it annoyed her beyond belief. Again she was feeling things she shouldn't allow herself to. She was losing what little control she had had. Reaching over, she grabbed the tape recorder she now kept by her bedside and turned it on.

"I know I said I was going to stop doing this, but I can't. I have this need to talk and I can't help it. It's quite pitiful. What would the public think if they saw me now? They'd probably have me committed with no questions asked. "

"Yuy's still gone, but when I sleep, I can still feel his damned hands on me. I can feel their warmth, their power. It can't be normal to want something this much. And I know I can't have him. I have to stay strong. Life is giving me a test and so far I'm failing."

"How long can it take to stop the pain, to stop feeling? Yuy has been that way for as long as I have known him. He was trained to be this way since he was a child but surely an adult could do it better. There's no place for sympathy in the world. I can't even believe I had ever thought there was. This may be a pacifist nation, but it wasn't pacifism that got us here, and we sure as hell aren't always thinking peaceful thoughts. We're politics for Gods sake. Even I wouldn't trust most of us. Hopefully I'll never break the people's trust like so many others. As much as I hate my job, I owe these people. It's my obligation to do what I must for them. I see so many politicians do what ever they want with out looking back. They feel no remorse, no sadness. Yet, I break a flower stem and I feel pain."

"How can it be that I can't shut it out? Why can't I be like the others and feel no pain? Why can't I be like the perfect soldier damn it? Why?" Relena asked in outrage.

"I keep asking myself over and over again, that same question. Yet, I still don't know the answer. I still haven't reached my goal. I don't want to feel hurt inside my heart anymore. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I'd rather feel numb and rigid than feel the pain I have been."

"I tried again to talk to my brother, but still he doesn't listen. He'd rather see me healthy than working. In all honesty, I'd rather be working!!! I feel like all I'm doing here is sitting and wallowing in self-pity. I'm sitting here wasting my time when there are people out there, like that street merchant who still need me to watch out for them!"

Feeling rather useless and spent, Relena shut it off. She had nothing more to say for now.

***

Heero's thought churned in the early morning hours of L-2. It was past six o'clock, but if anyone knew a Maxwell, they knew none of them were awake before 9 at the least. He'd already been here for a few days. In a way, he didn't want to go. He'd always enjoyed coming to the Maxwell household. Here was a place where anyone could feel like family. Here, he felt as though he didn't have to be so cold and uncaring. Here, he could let his guard down and care. It was always so relaxing here.

Yet it was time to leave. There was only a week left in which Relena would have free time and he needed to take advantage of that. They both were in desperate need of understanding. Neither knew what to think. They had to figure out what was going on before it all got out of hand.

Duo's advice was still ringing in his ears.

"You need to go with your heart, do what you feel when you feel it. It's that simple."

The only problem was figuring out if he could do that. He had a feeling he was running out of time.

Getting up, he stepped into his jeans and slipped on his jacket. He hadn't packed much so all he had to grab was his worn duffel bag that had seen as much of the world as he had. The poor thing had been dragged from one mission to the next now it carried mostly memories.

Changing his thoughts from sentiment to what lay ahead, Heero took one last look around the only other place he could think of as home, and headed to the door.

"Did you really think you could get out of here with out saying good bye?"

Ah, the early riser. As always, Hilde had caught him in the act.

"I was just leaving before you could temp me back with you delicious home-cooked meals," Heero said lightly.

"Uh huh. Sure ya were. Never mind. You come over here and give me a hug and I'll make sure to tell everyone you said good bye," Hilde said with a large grin.

Heero walked over an enveloped the tiny woman in his embrace. Once again he wondered how such a small woman could handle the ever-powerful god of death, who was now referred to as the god of diaper duty on occasion.

"You take care of yourself Yuy. No stunts. Duo would have a heart attack if you died."

"I promise Hilde, you take care of Duo and the kids. They'd be lost with out you."

Hilde stepped back and smiled once more. "Flatterer."

"It's my duty to tell the truth."

The warm exchange finished. Heero walked through the front door out into the cool air of the colony. Hilde waved and then shut the door behind him.

He was heading back to earth, heading back to the trouble that had brought him here. Now he just had to be strong enough to get to the bottom of all that trouble and figure out what lay in the heart Duo told him was finally making its presence known.

***

Relena once again sat at her desk trying to find something to do. As she had predicted, Wufei was gone. If anything, he was more frustrated than he had been when he had showed up. She had definitely given him some things to think about.

According to her brother, Heero Yuy was now on his way home. Just what the doctor had called for. The sarcasm in the thought was running through her mind. Then again, now she could test herself. Now she could see if the last few days had built up that wall of ice once again. She had gotten the chance to regroup her sensibilities. She could now hopefully ban the feelings Heero invoked in her. She only had a little bit left. Only a little longer and she could bury herself in her work and forget about what went on around her.

Gods, her brother had literally taken anything related to her work of her personal and business files. It was enough to seriously piss her off, again. She had searched everything hoping for just one little bit of salvation. Just one little file of something to do in all the spare time she had since her brother had taken over.

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Relena would bet her favorite underwear set that Heero had been the one to clean out her computer. He was the only one with enough skill to do such a thorough job.

Oh, was he going it when he got back. Just because she couldn't jump his bones didn't mean she couldn't give him the bitching of his life. It was going to be one satisfying experience indeed.

Considering the fact that she had been avoiding her family, she felt this huge urge to vent a little frustration on something that might argue back.

She was full of all sorts of frustration. Sadly enough, most of it wasn't even about her job anymore. It was that sexual frustration one gets from denying hormones. And Relena planned to keep it that way. She didn't care how stressed she got. Heero would never lay another hand on her that way again. She wouldn't lose control and she wouldn't feel pain.

And that's when the letter opener hit her wrist, leaving the tiniest of cuts that began to seep little drops of hot red blood. Relena dizzily watched the blood fall to the ground, she felt the pain of the cut, felt the throbbing as the blood oozed out.

She wasn't as strong as she thought. She could still feel it. She could still feel pain.

Slowly, as though drawn by a stronger force, she picked up the letter opener, the edge glistening with her blood, the smallest amount, and drew the blade into her wrist again. She felt it cut into her skin, felt more blood reach the surface and damned her miserable, weak body for allowing her to feel, for letting her weakness surface.

She watched the blood drip off her arm, and off the blade, and cut again. It was in her other wrist this time. Blood began to ooze from both sides. The carpet began holding a dark red puddle beneath her…no longer able to soak it up.

She felt the throbbing in her arms, felt the pain lancing through them. She felt light-headed, yet she no longer had control. She broke down…sloppily slashing at her wrists, the cuts going deeper and crooked. She couldn't stop; she just wanted the pain to end. All she wanted was the weakness to leave her. She didn't want to feel anything. Not love, not lust, not hate, not pain. She didn't want to feel any of it anymore. Yet here a simple letter opener could wound her.

It made her feel pitiful. Every slash, every drop of blood reminding her of how weak she still was.

Her arms were like battlegrounds now, and she was losing against herself.

Her mind was cloudy, like she no longer could tell what she was doing. And that's how she appeared as Heero walked through her bedroom door.

***

Heero stood in shock at the entrance to his room. His mind not accepting what his brain was seeing.

Relena sat in a puddle of her own blood inflicting harm to her flawless skin.

Blood seeped out of multiple wounds and dropped to the floor. She didn't even seem to realize what she was doing; she just kept running the blade against her skin, leaving cuts that would later leave morbid scars.

He didn't even know what he could do. He was to numb with shock to even move.

Finally he saw her body crumble. Saw that she was to out of it and saw the letter opener fall from her grip. Then finally, her spent body fell the rest of the way to the floor in unconsciousness.

***

t.b.c.