Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Letters To The Gundam Pilots ❯ Chapter 1 ( Chapter 2 )

Tori: On a side note… I know imitation is the greatest form of flattery and whatnot, but you notice how if one type of fic springs up and gets a few more reviews than usual, a million more suddenly appear and blatantly copy them? It's annoying. People should be ORIGINAL! Not to mention, it's somewhat rude. And I'm not speaking just for myself, because I've seen it happen to a lot of other authors and authoresses.

Ke: And have you noted Tori's recent abuse of the word 'blatantly'?

The Original "Letters To The Pilots"

Tori: And are first questions are in! (okay, I had classes today, so I did these over the phone with the [dun, dun, dunnn!] FLASH button!)

Ke: *is seen walking around in flame-retardant suit* Good luck with that there title!

~*~*~*~*~*~

Princess Of The Waves asks: Quatre, will you go out with Jenn?

Duet: Hey! I read the opening part of this! They're not supposed to ask about relationships!

Duo: Angry singles… They're all over the place.

Quatre: Um…

Tori: THIS IS FOR QUATRE!

Duo: But it wouldn't be funny if all of us didn't pitch in!

Quatre: Is this question from Jenn?

Tori: PEOPLE! ONE AT A TIME! I'M NOT A SPEED TYPER!

Duet: You didn't answer my question…

Tori: I let this one slip because, well, I wanna know, too.

Quatre: Guys!

Duo: Well, what's it gonna be, Quat?

Quatre: None of your business. This is between Jenn and I.

Tori: You're not going to be like this on all the questions, are you?

Heero: You did say not relation-

Duo: SINGLE! WAHAHAHAHAHA!

*a phone drops and we hear no more from Duo this question*

Trowa: This is America, Quatre. You can take the Fifth.

Quatre: …

~*~*~*~

Princess Of The Waves asks: Trowa, will you ever get on more than once a month?

Trowa: I do try, Princess, but I have high school, my job, and my volunteer time to deal with as well. Not to mention the college entrance exams and interviews.

Duet: Oh crap! I need to update the guild poll! *hangs up*

Wu Fei: What brought that on?

Duo: Five bucks says that was just an excuse to get off the phone and that, should I go tomorrow, it's still going to be there.

Wu Fei: I don't know… She's at the computer.

*30 seconds of awkward silence*

Tori: …I think she's dating my muse…

Duo: …the ferret?

Tori: Oh! IDEA! We're going to find Duet a boyfriend!

Quatre: I don't think that's such a bright idea… Someone could get hurt.

*more awkward silence*

Quatre: *sigh* Fine… Go ahead…

Trowa: I thought we were talking about Princess?

Duo: Shut up, Trowa. You talk too much.

Crystal Maxwell-Yuy asks: Why do you prefer to wear spandex and a green tank top, Heero?

Duo: Here we go…

Heero: Hn. I don't always wear spandex and tank tops.

Duet: *whispers* He wears them under his clothes in case he has to morph…

Heero: …

Duet: OW! SHIT, HEERO!

Tori: Guys! Stop! Heero, answer the question.

Heero: *sighs* They're easy to move in. And I don't get caught up on stuff.

Duet: …why can't you just say you like them?

Heero: *puts phone down and hits speaker phone*

Duet: MERCY!!! OW! DUO, HELP!!!

Duo: Trowa, help her. I wanna answer a question!

Tori: You know… I'm glad I did this over the phone.

(the rest of these were finished at their house)

Caliborn asks: How small are your cockpits?

Quatre: They're actually quite roomy if its just one person!

Trowa: You can fit about three people in there before it starts to get crowded.

Duo: And as for having room to do fun things-

Duet: -in zero gravity-

Duo: -in zero gravity, it's totally possible as long as you make sure not to kick the control panel.

Duet: But it's not like we would know.

Duo: Of course not.

*awkward silence*

Tori: *groans* …thanks for the mental picture…

Duo: Heh. She thought about it…

Heero: I don't think that's what Caliborn asked…

Caliborn asks: If both were only armed with their arms and their feet, who would win a fight between Heero and Wu Fei?

Tori: Well, guys? Have at it!

Heero: You want me to fight Wu Fei?

Wu Fei: Without weapons?

Trowa: …take it down to the basement…

Heero: Duet, you've been oddly quiet throughout this whole ordeal.

Quatre: Where'd she go?

Trowa: She mentioned something about a tripod…

Duo: No! She has to change the tape! *runs upstairs*

Tori: Are you gonna fight, or what?

Heero: No broken plastic utensils this time…

Wu Fei: Don't worry. I don't need them for you.

Heero: But you needed one for Duet?

Wu Fei: Shut up and fight!

Duo: *suddenly back again* Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Trowa: …it's like "When Orientals Attack"

Tori: HEY! Trowa! *whaps him upside the head*

*more yelling and senseless violence later*

Duet: *zooms in on the two lying panting on the floor and glaring at each other*

Wu Fei: Get that thing outta here, woman!

Duet: *palpably zooms in on his pants*

Wu Fei: *throws pillow at her* I SAID GET OUT!

Duet: Come and get me.

Heero: *rubs the back of his head* Owww…

Trowa: So, who won?

*Heero and Wu Fei point at each other*

Duet: I think this needs to be settled over a drinking game!

All: No!

Caliborn asks: If all five pilots were held in a room made of cheese, would the moon eventually explode from Heero's psychic wails?

Duet: *pouts*

Duo: ROOM MADE OF CHEESE!

Heero: Psychic wails?

Duo: ROOM MADE OF CHEESE!

Trowa: Moon cheese?

Duo: *grabs Quatre by the collar of his shirt* DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY BOWLS OF MACARONI AND CHEESE I COULD MAKE WITH A ROOM MADE OF CHEESE!?

Tori: *sweatdrop* Next question…

Chang Meiling asks: Wu Fei, what kind of shampoo do you use?

Wu Fei: Shampoo?

Tori: I have the urge to go as Shampoo to the Shoujo-a-go-go…

Duo & Duet: Urge?

Wu Fei: Not this again…

Duo & Duet: He's got the urge (natural botanicals) He's got the urrrrge to herbal!

Wu Fei: *still prone on the floor, covers face with pillow* Make them stop.

Duo & Duet: Herbal in the shower! For another half an hour! He's got the urrrge to herbal!

Tori: I don't get it…

Quatre: It's a commercial…

Duo & Duet: Double your pleasure! Double you fun! With double mint gum! MENTOS! The FRESH-MAKER! *thumbs up*

Wu Fei: So, so sad…

Heather asks: Trowa, what does your hair look like in the morning?

Trowa: …I sleep on my stomach most of the time so…

Duo: Basically, it looks like he got hit by a bus.

Trowa: *narrows eyes*

Duo: *oblivious* -like this! *grabs his bangs and pulls them up so they stick out in random directions*

Trowa: *kicks the kitchen chair out from under him*

Duo: *from under table* Okay… how many of you saw that coming…?

Everyone: *raises hand*

Heather asks: Why does Heero never talk unless absolutely necessary? (and sometimes not even then!)

Heero: I talk.

Duo: Oh, come on! This guy's a regular chatterbox!

Quatre: Now, I wouldn't go that far…

Duet: *whispers* Oh yeah? Watch this. *turns to Heero* You know… Maybe we should have used protection…

Heero: *sputters* What!? But!? I! Didn't! You!? Me!? Never! I! *continues*

Tori: *nods* Good one.

Duet: *smirks* Thanks.

Heero: Forgot!? No! You! NOT ME! Never! When!? …I DON'T REMEMBER THAT!

Quatre: It's okay, Heero! She was only joking… Right, Duet?

Heather asks: What the heck happened to Heero and Relena?

Heero: Relena? Relena who?

Duet: Please, she has better things to do than Heero!

Duo: Like you?

Duet: *smacks herself across the face and points at herself* YOU WALKED RIGHT INTO THAT ONE! STUPID!

Duo: O.o*

Trowa: Actually, I haven't seen her in quite a while…

Tori: She's still got a school to run.

Quatre: What do you mean you haven't seen her in a while? If I recall correctly, she visited in September, and then before Christmas.

Trowa: Keep in mind, I was barricaded into my room with Duo and Duet because they refused to go downstairs.

Duet: *crosses arms* You always invite her to sleep over, and I end up having to stay downstairs with her, and she stays up till two in the morning talking about stuff, and just when I've tuned her out enough to get to sleep, she decides to enlist my help into making you all breakfast.

Duo: Way to make and excuse for staying up late with her.

Quatre: We never made you stay downstairs with her.

Duet: *turns interesting shade of crimson*

Heero: That may or may not have answered Heather's question…

Talon-kun (Andrew Joshua Talon) asks: Duet, do you find Tori attractive?

Duet: …in that 'I want what I can't have because if I try another author would take my head off' sort of way.

Tori: *inches away from Duet* I do NOT swing in that direction!

Duo & Quatre: *singing* The pendulum swings both ways, but for you… it'll always swing down!

Trowa: SR71 is about to go the way of Duo's Hanson CD…

Duo: *immediately burst into inane lyrics about hair and 'bop'-ing*

All: O.O******

Rona asks: Wu Fei, are you single? And if so, what are you doing May 10th?

Wu Fei: MUST EVERYONE KNOW I'M SINGLE!?!?!?

Trowa: It's glaringly obvious…

Duet: Well, what are you doing May 10th?

Duo: What he does EVERY May 10th! *dramatic pause* TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD! Muahahahahahahahahaha!

Wu Fei: *completely ignores Duo* …sitting around…

Rona asks: Duo, how do you keep your braid so bloody neat!?

Duo: *grins and preens*

Duet: *jumping around behind him* My braid's neat!

Duo: Well, Rona… You see, my hair is very special…

Duet: *still jumping up and down behind him* My braid's neat!

Heero: He's gloating…

Duet: *still jumping around* My braid's neat!

Duo: *gets annoyed and pulled the rubber band off the end of Duet's braid*

Duet: *yep, still jumping* My braid's- *braid falls out and she falls over when her hand gets caught in her hair*

Rona asks: Wu Fei, WHERE IS JOEY CHANDLER BING!?

Duet: *brushing hair out* Hanging out with Rachel Monica Bing.

Wu Fei: Why do you immediately assume I have him!?

Tori: *giggles*

Wu Fei: TORI!!!

Serenity Aura Crystal Winner asks: Quatre, why the pink and purple?

Duo: *rolls eyes* Here we go again…

Quatre: *clears his throat* Pink, depending on how far you retreat into history, is the color of boys and, as for the purple… Purple is the color of royalty, and my family is very rich. Saudi Arabia, the-

Tori: Yes, yes… That's wonderful, Quat.

Trowa: Did you just shush Quatre?

Tori: …no?

Trowa: I think you did.

Tori: …meep.

Heero: Cut it out you two...

Trowa & Tori: Awww…

Nueva Yui Maxwell asks: Heero, what was your most embarrassing moment?

Duet: *jumps up* Oh! I know!

Wu Fei: Shut up and let Heero tell it. *snickers*

Heero: *desperate look* I, er, ah…

Trowa: C'mon. Spit it out.

Heero: Er…

Duo: It better be good if you're making all these weird noises.

Heero: *takes a deep breath* Wellwewereatthisbasketballgameandthishugeguyknockedmedownandthrewmeintothe* deep breath* standsandIgotupandIwasgonnabeatthecrapoutofhimbuttherefsaid "Staydown!" soIsatdowninthemiddleofthecourtlikehesaidandtheneveryonestartedlaughingatme and *deep breath* therefmadefunofmeandtheycalledmynameandnumberovertheintercom *deep breath* andsoIlefttheschoolbecauseeveryonemadefunofmeafterthat. *is reduced to quivering mass of shame in Duet's "Angst Corner"*

Duo: Well, that wasn't so bad.

Trowa: Heero has a very low sense of self-worth.

Duet: *thoughtful* That wasn't the one I was thinking of…

Nueva Yui Maxwell asks: Duo, of all the places that you've seen, which was your favorite and why? (hometown doesn't count)

Duo: Ah, my hometown sucks anyway.

Duet: I feel insulted!

Duo: You should. Anyway, hmmm…

Tori: *waves little Kyoto banner*

Heero: *sees banner, rips it away from Tori, sets it up with a little self-detonate device, and kills it*

Tori: *gasp* YOU'RE FROM TOKYO!?

Heero: *nods*

Tori: YOU ARE MY SWORN ENEMY!

Duo: *coughs* Uh… Guys? My question. Thanks.

All: *stop to look at him, them continue*

Duo: *groans* Ummm.. I'd have to say… NYC. Sure, it's New York, but… It's totally me. You gotta love the NY people, too…

Duet: *cough*cheapscrew*cough*

Duo: I believe she was asking about me, not you.

Duet: *reproachful glare*

Nueva Yui Maxwell asks: Quatre, I assume you give money to charities. Which one and why?

*seriousness suddenly befalls the room*

Quatre: The most recent was an AIDs charity, but orphanages, hospitals, nursing homes, Red Cross, the Sept. 11th fund… *counting off fingers*

Duet: This guy's got a heart of gold. ^___^

Tori: And I'm going to say this, only because I'm so proud of you guys, but here in Jersey, they organized a high school ditch-day where everyone went to give blood. Then they all drove up to north Jersey and helped with some of the victims. Now, every night one of them visits the Red Cross Orphanage to play with the kids and help out.

Duo: I'm going later tonight.

Tori: And of course this is all going on while I sit around on my ass and type.

Duo: *giggles* And double kudos to Duet, who, even though she's deathly afraid of needles, went anyway.

Duet: …

Heero: …she passed out before they even stuck her…

Quatre: *still counting* …Make A Wish foundation, public schools, Save The Music…

Nueva Yui Maxwell asks: Trowa, what is your favorite bird and why?

Trowa: Favorite bird…? I don't know…a hawk.

Tori: And why?

Trowa: Because that's probably the only type of bird that hasn't flown into my window at 3am.

Duet: *sticks out tongue* Eagles are better.

Duo: Nuh-huh! Falcons are!

Quatre: I beg to differ. Flamingoes are my favorites.

Wu Fei: Cranes. Definitely cranes.

Heero: Hn. You're all wrong. Wing Zero is the best… in BIRD MODE!

Duet: I'm changing mine! Washi Ookami in Washi Mode!

Heero: Poser.

Duet: *seriously offended*

Heero: Yours sound like a Power Ranger. *mimics* Eagle Wolf! Transform to Eagle Mode! *WHAP!* OW!

Duet: *smirks*

Nueva Yui Maxwell asks: Wu Fei, what do you think of the statement: "Behind every great man is a great woman?"

Wu Fei: *glare* IF YOU'RE IMPLYING THAT MEN NEED WOMEN TO FALL BACK ON, YOU ARE VERY MISTAKEN!

Duet: Isn't Nataku you're wife? The one you're always whining to?

Wu Fei: *grabs plastic fork out of the potato salad and makes a dive for Duet* DIEEEE!

Duet: Wah! OW! OUCH! CUT! OUCH!

Trowa & Heero: *pulls Wu Fei off the now comatose girl*

Duet: …ow….

Nueva Yui Maxwell asks: Duet, how do you manage to survie, being the only woman in the group, without killing one of the guys? (seriously)

Duet: They kill me first…

Tori: *smirk* I think this question merits a better answer.

Duo: *gives Tori a weird look* You talk like you write…

Duet: *sits up, clutching now-bleeding arm* Ah, I'm one of the guys. At least they treat me like one…

Tori: …?

Duet: a.k.a. they leave the toilet seat up, they walk around naked, they snap towels at me, they talk to me about girls, they lock me out of the house naked…why haven't I killed them yet?

Duo: Because you love us?

Duet: *rolls eyes and sighs* If love was the only thing keeping you alive, Maxwell… *thinks* wait… That's not a comeback.. That's an agreement.

Tori: It's amazing how you dance around answering the question…

Duet: Cuz I'd be lonely without them? And I' be poor if we didn't pool our money (a.k.a. mooch offa Quat) because I lost my third job this year? And I'd be, well, back in Japan bunking with Tori-

Tori: NEVER KILL THE GUYS!

Matthew Miranda asks: Who's better: The Sacramento Kings or the L.A. Lakers?

All sans Tori: LAKERS!!!

Tori: I don't watch golf.

Tenpi Shojo asks: Wu Fei, what do you think of the quote: "Of course I don't look as busy as the man. I did it right the first time."

Wu Fei: *scoffs* She was probably referring on some inane task like stapling papers together or something.

Tori: So what you're saying is that a man isn't even competent enough to staple papers?

Wu Fei: NO! HOW DID YOU GET THAT OUT OF MY STATEMENT!?
All: *blink at the obvious*

Emerin Mornlight of Rivendell asks: Boxers or briefs?

Duo: Boxers.

Trowa: Both. Depends on the pants.

Quatre: Boxers.

Heero: Boxers

Wu Fei: Boxers.

Duet: Boxers.

Tori: Duet… Be honest.

Duet: THESE ARE SIZE 12 PIPE JEANS! I MIGHT AS WELL WALK AROUND WITHOUT PANTS AT ALL IF I DIDN'T WEAR UNDERWEAR WITH THESE!

Tori: No, I was just commenting on the type of underwear…

Duet: I share a room with Duo. God forbid I own a thong or something! He'd either staple it to the front door or wear it himself!

Duo: So she wears my underwear.

Heero: Yeah, but she has to catch them first…*snort*

Trowa: Just curious… What's holding those jeans up?

Duet: Sheer willpower.

Duo & Heero: *coordinated effort to pants her and solve the mystery for REAL*

Duet: …and six belts.

Emerin Mornlight of Rivendell asks: If a Skittle-loving, orange, miniature dragon muse asked you to pop in on a quest for the Holy Skittle Bowl, would you join?

Duo: ROOM MADE OF CHEESE!

Quatre: This has officially become the response to all random questions…

Trowa: …but I like Skittles…

Duet: No, you like M&Ms… Skittles are the fruity ones.

Trowa: Oh yeah… *shudder* Skittles…

Tori: Why did I agree to this?

Emerin Mornlight of Rivendell asks: Would you find the dragon's Elven authoress attractive?

Duo: O.o* Do you have elf ears?

Duet: I WOULD!

Heero: Possibly…

Duet: I WOULD!

Quatre: I'm taken.

Duet: I WOULD!

Trowa: Uhhh… *looks over shoulder at his fic to Princess sitting next to the modem*

Duet: I WOULD!

Wu Fei: *grumble*

Duet: I WOULD!

Tori: Oh, look! *peers at the printed reviews* She said "Guys only, spare me the weirdness!"

Duet: *suddenly feeling very rejected* …I wonder if that Nemesis girl still wants to be my girlfriend…

Tori: O.O WHOWHATNOW!?

Duo: Hey, we're keein' it all in the guild, okay?

Emerin Mornlight of Rivendell asks: What would be your pet of choice and what would you name it?

Quatre: Heero threw a pineapple at a dog once.

Heero: *looks away*

Duo: I WANT A MEW NAMED MYUU!

Duet: I WANT AN ARTICUNO NAMED…ARTICUNO!

Trowa: I'd like a dog, actually.

Duo: Heero killed a dog once, too.

Heero: Shut. Up.

Quatre: I used to have a monkey, and that was a lot of fun, so I'd maybe like to get another. 8clears throat* His name was, er… *coughs again* …Abu.

Duo & Duet: Arabian ni~ights! Like Arabian da~ays! More often than not! Are hotter than hot! In a lot of good wa~ays!!!

Trowa: *ignores the pilots who are now breaking into another chorus* What happened to it?

Quatre: I left him with my sister Trista and he died because he drown in a fish tank.

Tori: Wu Fei, you've been unusually quiet…

Wu Fei: Bird. Probably a Jay or something. Named Jay.

Duet: Why're you so pissy, Wu-Bear?

Wu Fei: Huh? *pulls off headphones again*

Duet: Never mind…

Heero: Treize shot a bird once.

Duo: Shut up, dog killer. You don't get a pet!

Trmpetplaya1 asks: Quatre, Starbucks or a nice cup of hot tea?

Quatre: I don't like coffee, so I'd have to say tea.

Heero: They sell tea at Starbucks.

Quatre: *grumbles* Dishwater tea, yes…

Trmpetplaya1 asks: Heero, can I borrow Wing Zero Kai for this weekend?

Heero: …I blew it up…

Duet: Shhh! Don't tell Stanton that! Then we can't threaten to stomp his house!

Duo: But you can borrow… *grabs plastic model off computer* SUPER CRAPTASTIC BANDAI PLASTIC MODEL ZERO WING CUSTOM! *one plastic wing falls off*

Trmpetplaya1 asks: Wu Fei, if you had a Neopet, what kind would you pick and what would you name it?

Wu Fei: *takes off headphones again* Me?

Trowa: *nods*

Wu Fei: Oh… *re-read question* I have a NeoPet. Lemme go check what kind it is. And what I named it for that matter…

Duet: Yeah, visit the message board while you're at it. You haven't been in months.

Wu Fei: I got yelled at last time.

Heero: By the brown censor rat because you tried to call Chris a rather obscene name.

Wu Fei: Trowa told me to.

Trowa: *feigning innocence* Me?

Wu Fei: It's Nataku_Inu_05 the Blue Gelert. Of course, since they changed it, it looks stoned.

Tori: …she said "No Nataku"

Wu Fei: *shocked* But it's already named that!

Trmpetplaya1 asks: Duo- Scenario: Ranma ½ universe. Question: Which pool would you fall in at Jusenkyo?

Duo: Spring of Drowned Maiden *WHAP!*

Duet: *deathglare*

Duo: Pbbth… Like that'd stop you.

Quatre: We could always thrown you in 'Spring of Drowned Boy', Duet.

Heero: That'd be weird…

Tori: Very… Next question!

Trmpetplaya1 asks: Trowa, what kind of stuffed animal would you/do you sleep with besides a lion?

Trowa: Ah, the Wu Fei syndrome. I have a stuffed lion.

Tori: Well, if you didn't have a lion, what would you have?

Trowa: I don't know…a bear?

Duo: Named…?

Trowa: That's not part of the question.

Duet: *sitting in angst corner, trying to pluck the petals off a plastic flower and failing miserably*

Heero: *sits next to her* Let's be single together. *rips a petal off*

Duet: AHHHH! YOU BROKE IT! *throws it at him and runs upstairs*

Heero: *blink blink*

Tori: *sweatdrop* Why do these never work out the way they're supposed to?

OmightyWifeOfShinigami asks: Duo, what was Solo like?

Duo: Self-sacrificial, protective… big brother-ish I suppose, but I've never actually had a big brother so…

Duet: *calls from top of stairs* He was a good few years older than us, though!

Duo: Yeah, at least 13 or 15 when he died.

Quatre: That's so… sad.

Tori: *blinks* What a note to end on…

Duo: *stands up and grabs all the dirty paper plates off the table* Well, I've got shelter duty tonight, so I've gotta go get dressed.

Tori: And I should be heading out myself. *tosses cups in the garbage and pulls on coat*

Trowa: This was fun…

Tori: My place next time.

Duo: *looks around* How do you think these walls would look in a lovely shade of…cheddar?

All: NO!

~*~*~*~*~*~

Tori: By the by, Trowa was the one who suggested I write this fic, so don't think I'm taking advantage them or something…

Duet: No, Tori would never do that! *WHAP!*

Tori: S'what you get.