Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Love Is... ❯ Heero ( Chapter 3 )

Author note: first time writer, not first fic I wrote but the fourth one up. Anyway, animation’s not mine, characters’ not mine, the song’s not mine; I’m poor, so don’t sue me… … anything I forgot to mention?? Ahh… the story!! It’s MINE!!   Death fic. And songfic as well… I was having a bit of writer’s block when I was considering Heero’s POV. And then I came across the lyrics of “I surrender” by Celine Dion.  And well, you know what happened then… the plot bunnies wouldn’t let me go until I change this POV into a songfic!! Take that! You stupid, stupid plot bunnies! Die!! <…slippers flying all over the place…>   Anyway, don’t read this if you are feeling depress.  It would only make you cry. Or, well… I myself was tearing up while writing this, and I was listening to the song at the same time. Guess that was pretty stupid of me. So now you know how to avoid crying like hell. Enjoy! ^_^v     “Aishiteru Heero.”   He told me every single time we were together.    He always made sure he looked sober and calm when he said it, and never called me any pet names when he did that.    So that I would take him seriously.   I always tried to look into his beautiful amethyst eyes and say it back, but I never could.   It hurt.    It hurt so badly that I could barely remain conscious.   I so wanted to tell him; tell him that I loved him, tell him I loved him so much that it hurt like hell. Told him everything there was to know about me, Heero Yuy, the Perfect Soldier, the Perfect Killing Machine the world has ever offered.    And told him why I could never utter the three little words he was so desperately after.   There’s so much life I’ve left to live
And this fire is burning still
When I watch you look at me
I think I could find the will
To stand for every dream
And forsake this solid ground
And give up this fear within
Of what would happen if they ever knew
I’m in love with you   I tried.   I was trying so hard I believed J would be rolling in his grave, snarling at me for trying to undo his making of the Perfect Soldier.  Or, he would be rolling in killer laughing fits, choking in mirth that his creation was so perfect that this Perfect Soldier couldn’t even graze the surface of his damn cage, much less breaking it.   For this Perfect Soldier couldn’t even begin to understand the concept of the only key to his imprisonment.   Emotion.    Feelings.   …Love.   ‘Cause I’d surrender everything
To feel the chance to live again
I reach to you
I know you can feel it too
We’d make it through
A thousand dreams I still believe
I’d make you give them all to me
I’d hold you in my arms and never let go
I surrender   Love is weakness.   Love is imperfection.   Weaknesses and imperfections have no places in a perfect soldier’s life.   Conclusion – A perfect soldier has no place for love in his life, for love will only deter and endanger missions.   Endangering missions and potential mission failures are unacceptable.   Cause of failures must be eliminated.   Cause of failures – Duo Maxwell, Shinigami, pilot 02 of Deathscythe.   Conclusion – Shinigami must be eliminated.     I had had my chance to do it without any reprimands from the Mad Five, when Duo was captured that one time.   The Perfect Soldier in me had calculated and planned everything to a dot, giving me ample of time to carry out the unspoken mission and space to maneuver should I encounter any resistances on Shinigami’s part.  I had anticipated struggles from him, regardless of his state of injuries.  I had expected him to argue with me, giving me essays about his usefulness and how invaluable a gundam pilot was.  I had expected him to keep yapping and yelling at me, trying to get me to get him out of that hellhole.   I did not expect him to accept a death blow from me so utterly calm and serene.    As bruised and cut up as he was, his beautiful amethyst eyes brightened up when he saw me there.  He saw the gun I was aiming at him, but he still smiled at me.  He was happy to see me, even if I was only there to kill him.  He was happy that he got to see me one more time before he had to go, before he met the Great Shinigami in person.  All he asked of me was a hug, one last chance to be held within my arms, one last chance to say those words again…   I couldn’t do it.   No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t pull the trigger.      Love made people weak, right? If love made people weak, how could Duo be so strong?   Duo was never invincible, but he was not weak.   Duo was never perfect, but he was strong.  He had courage.  He had wits.  He might be a street rat, he might look tiny and weak, but he was agile and fast. He fought damn dirty, but he could get himself out of nasty situations most of the times.  He might look flighty and erratic, but his mission successful rate was high. And he loved…   If love made people weak, how could he be so strong?    If only… if only I could see how he did that…   I know I can’t survive
Another night away from you
You’re the reason I go on
And now I need to live the truth
Right now, there’s no better time
From this fear I will break free
And I’ll live again with love
And no they can’t take that away from me
And they will see…   I knew my time was running out.    The sadness, the disappointment, the self-doubts, the longings… they were always warring within his eyes.  The love and hope that I ever returned his feelings were there too, but the light was fading fast, as days went by without the magic words.   Aishiteru, Duo.   Honto ni, aishiteru.   Please… See me, Duo.    Please, wait for me, Duo.   Please… please don’t give up on me, Koi.   ‘Cause I’d surrender everything
To feel the chance to live again
I reach to you
I know you can feel it too
We’d make it through
A thousand dreams I still believe
I’d make you give them all to me
I’d hold you in my arms and never let go
I surrender   It hurt.   It hurt so much when he touched me.    It hurt so much when he held me in his arms.    It hurt so much when he caressed me so gently, so lovingly.   It hurt so much, that I couldn’t help flinching at his touches, wincing when he told me aishiteru.   But Duo, I wouldn’t care how much more it would hurt, if only you would continue to touch me, continue to hold me, continue to caress me, telling me you love me… for nothing would ever be more awful than finding myself in a bed empty of your presence.   Every night’s getting longer
And this fire is getting stronger, babe
I’ll swallow my pride and I’ll be alive
Can’t you hear my call
I surrender all   I lost him.   I was hurting so badly that Quatre was permanently frowning with aches when he was around me. I couldn’t understand why I still hurt, even after Duo left me. I shouldn’t hurt anymore, should I?   Quatre said I was heartbroken, that’s why I hurt.   But… I was a perfect soldier, the Perfect Soldier. By J’s definition, the Perfect Soldier had no heart. How could I be heartbroken if I had no heart to begin with?   Trowa said if I was ever the Perfect Soldier by J’s definition, I wouldn’t have fallen in love with Duo in the first place.   If I had never been a perfect soldier…   That comment from Trowa had sent me straight into a three day coma with a killer headache lasting for days when I was finally conscious. And that had earned Trowa a bone-breaking ass-kicking session from Quatre.   Quatre was so furious… he would have torn Trowa into pieces with bare hands if not for the fact that he was in love with the Heavyarms pilot.   I was laughing so hard, I would have fallen from my sick bed if Quatre hadn’t caught me in time, to see 03 moaning and complaining, with two black eyes, a bruised jaw, a couple of cracked ribs and a cracked wrist, about how jealous he was; pouting and mock-sulking over the fact that his own lover had cared more about someone else than him enough to seriously kick his ass.   That was the last time I was in peace since I lost him.     I was pumped with maximum doses of painkillers everyday since I found out Duo’s whereabouts. I was in that god-awful pain every second, knowing I had lost Duo to another, knowing I had lost Duo to Wufei. Wufei was an honorable warrior. I had no doubt he would take good care of Duo.  But it still hurt like hell to know Duo had left me for someone else.   Maybe… maybe if I had been able to tell him…   ‘Cause I’d surrender everything
To feel the chance to live again
I reach to you
I know you can feel it too
We’d make it through
A thousand dreams I still believe
I’d make you give them all to me
I’d hold you in my arms and never let go
I surrender   I knew I was dying.   I knew I was fading fast without Quatre or Trowa telling me.   I could see it on their faces, feel it in my bones, that there were nothing anyone could do about it, that there were no cures for it.   I was too far-gone to be saved.   Quatre blamed himself for my pain, saying if he had known sooner, he could have done something for me.    He would have done anything for me, just so I could live.   But there was nothing he could do to stop this. If anyone had the power to stop this, it would be me. It was my fault for falling in love in the first place. It was my fault for not being strong enough to break my prison. It was my fault for not saying it when I needed it to make Duo stay. It was my fault that I lost Duo to Wufei, and it was my fault that I was breaking my friends’ hearts by dying.   But even if it was my own fault that had set my fate as such, I would never regret my decision for letting Duo into my heart.   He had given me warmth when I was freezing in my cage.   He had provided me with a haven where I could rest in peace and contentment.   He had offered me friendship and love when no one would have given me a second glance without running away, screaming their heads off once they knew what I was.   Just for all those things he had done for me, I knew I could die smiling.   Right here, right now
I give my life to live again
I’ll break free, take me
My everything, I surrender all to you   I never knew the gentle Winner heir could curse and swear like a drunken sailor in a ranting mood.   That was, until he knew I had accepted a Preventer’s mission behind his back.    He was practically foaming in the mouth by the time he knew Wufei was in charge of the mission and that Duo and some greenies were struck in a hostile situation.   He would have knocked me out if he thought he could make me stay. He would have pumped me up with tons of sleeping pills, tied me up and locked me down in a dungeon if that meant I would remain safe in his protection.   But we both knew that I would have run the moment he turned his back on me.   Medication did nothing much for me these days. Painkillers and sleeping pills simply didn’t work on me anymore, other than knocking me out and dulling my pain to a more acceptable level for, maybe, an hour or two.   Locks and bondage couldn’t have stalled me for long.  Afterall, I’d had the best escape artist of our group to tutor me until I could do it with a blindfold.   And of course, if it had been anyone else, I would have listened to Quatre.   But it was Duo.   It didn’t matter to me that he had fallen out of love with me.   It didn’t matter if he was in love with Wufei now.     All that mattered was that he was in danger.   He needed me.   If I had to be the Perfect Soldier once more, so be it.   If I had to be the Perfect Killing Machine again, I’d gladly do it.   Even if I had to give up my own life in exchange of his, it would have been worth it.   As long as he was sound and safe.     Trowa had insisted on being my backup, not that I had much to complaint about.   Afterall, he was a better infiltrator than I would ever be. Not to mention he could probably just grab me and run like hell if needed be. I had been light enough that a strong gust of wind could probably knock me over.   And then there was that continuous lapses of concentration. I couldn’t stay concentrated for a long time like I used to. Not with the pain attacks and some other symptoms I had had lately.    Without Trowa, I would have kneed over half a dozen time already.   I was half numbed with pain when we got into positions, and Trowa looked like an agitated big cat, ready to pounce on something.   Or someone.   Be it me or the criminals, I had no idea. But I knew he was tempted to knock me out, if it hadn’t been too dangerous to do so.   I was too out of it.   But then, even an out of it Perfect Soldier would be more preferable than an unconscious Heero Yuy.   At least an out of it Perfect Soldier would know enough to shoot anything that weren’t in Preventer’s uniforms, that were waving weapons around, and anything that moved.  An unconscious one could be a dead one before the mission was over.     I never knew why Duo froze when he saw me there. I was too busy shooting everything that moved with weapons waving around him.   I never felt the bullets hitting me until something knocked me over.   I never felt the blood running all over my body.   I wasn’t even aware that I was down on the floor until a droplet of saltiness fell on my face and wetted my lips.   More had fallen on me while I blinked my blurred eyesight cleared.   And it hurt more than anything to see those precious amethysts tearing up for me.   Please… Don’t cry, my love.   I’m not worth it.   Please… smile for me?   Right here, right now
I give my life to live again
I’ll break free, take me
My everything, I surrender all to you   I wanted so much to hear you say that once again.   But I couldn’t hear anything other than my blood roaring over my ears.   But if you could hear me…   Please…   Hear me this one last time…   Aishiteru, Duo-koi…   Zutto…   Aishiteru…