Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Love Is... ❯ Duo ( Chapter 4 )

Author note: first time writer, not first fic I wrote but the fourth one up. Anyway, animation's not mine, characters' not mine, the song's not mine; I'm poor, so don't sue me… …anything I forgot to mention?? Ahh… the story!! It's MINE!!

 

Death fic. Song fic. And well, I really didn't plan to write two chapters as songfic in a row, but the lyric just hit me over the head and my plot bunnies won't stop harassing me until I give in… Anyway, everybody here is a bit OOC under the circumstance (as if they aren't in other chapters… ^_^;;) so don't tell me about that. Oh yea… it's also a bit psycho toward the end, but I can't help that either… You will see what I mean when you are there. So, happy…uh… sad…uh…oh whatever!... reading. Enjoy!! ^_^v

 

Lyrics: `RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU' by Celine Dion

 

[………….] = phone conversation

 

 

Aishiteru.

 

It had been the first Japanese word I learnt.

 

I didn't learn it from the Perfect Soldier. No. He might be half Japanese, but I doubted he would know some words like that.

 

Afterall, the Perfect Soldier had no place for love in his life, ne?

 

 

I learnt it when I was still this tiny teeny street-rat in Solo's care.

 

There was this young Japanese prostitute that took care of our lot sometime when Solo was needed elsewhere. She didn't really took care of us, per se, but she watched our backs when she could, made sure the young ones stayed out of those perverts' sights, or diverted their attentions when they became a tad too `interested'. She always helped Solo to make sure none of us turned tricks even if Solo did it sometimes to feed the young ones. She didn't want the young ones to end up like any other who turned up dead.

 

I couldn't remember what we were talking about that day. But somehow, somewhere along the line, she taught me that word. She said `aishiteru' wasn't normally used in real life. But if someone she really, really liked said it to her, she would gladly kill for him, even die for him.

 

I said my first `aishiteru' when she died along with the gang in the plague, so that she could rest in peace.

 

Life

It can twist your heart

Put you in the dark

I was cold and lonely

Doubt

It can close you in

Build the walls within

I let fear control me

I let go

Didn't know

Where the answer would be

 

Heero got the second `aishiteru', and the many `aishiteru' after, of my life.

 

He was having a high fever that day, since he insisted on taking a swim in the sewer after he got shot during a botched mission, and got his wounds infected.

 

I had no idea what he was thinking about during the mission. You could hardly take any pot shots at the guy; dodging bullets was as natural as breathing for him, like it was a daily routine he went through. Sure, being a Gundam pilot made THAT a daily routine, but HE made it into an art form. He could dodge so many that sometimes it really made us, his fellow pilots, wondered if he was really human.

 

Oh, I had had the time of my life for taking pot shots at him and got him when we first met, after knowing how he was. But we both knew it was because he was either too surprised or too distracted to dodge it.

 

That meant he was, somehow, surprised or distracted during the mission.

 

But it was mission impossible to surprise him. He got so intense and concentrated during a mission that it seemed to me he grew eyes on the back of his head. That meant somewhere during the mission, he got distracted.

 

By what, I had no idea. But one thing for sure, a sick Perfect Soldier looked undeniably adorable, not to mention too damned vulnerable and fragile for anyone's own good.

 

It made me wanted to warp him up and stuff him away somewhere safe forever, so that nothing dangerous would ever touch him again.

 

When I had sworn I would never let anyone into me like that again. Ever.

 

Not after I lost Sister Helen and Father Maxwell like that. Not after Solo and my first `love'.

 

No way in hell! I swear by Shinigami!!

 

…But he got to me.

 

And he got me good.

 

Damn.

 

Right in front of you

Right in front of me

We were looking

But somehow, someway

We couldn't see

That the love was always there

It's been around us everywhere

I had to fall to finally see

That you were right in front of me

 

He looked so flushed that day. His eyes, the Prussian blue that I'd come to love, were feverish. He had been moaning and whimpering brokenly in his sleep, choking in Japanese with words I didn't understand. He was clutching so hard to his blanket, curling so tight into himself, that I was constantly checking to make sure he didn't bust his stitches.

 

I was having gray hair watching over him, worried that he might not make it.

 

Sure, us pilots were, no doubt, far more superior in physique than normal, the Perfect Soldier even more so. But we weren't invincible. Without proper treatments, we could die of infections and blood poisoning. But there were no ways for me to get any decent treatments for Heero. We were too far away from civilization. We didn't have any good transport other than the gundams. The other pilots were struck in missions at the other end of the world. Even if they were free, I doubted they could come through to us without some heavy fighting. And all I had with me was some antibiotic and painkillers…

 

It was one of the longest days I had had in my life ever since the Maxwell Church Massacre.

 

I was dozing every now and then, catching catnaps until the next whimper or shivering or sobbing knocked me out of it and me trying to soothe him till he settled down again. I was so tired - it had been one hell of a mission; maximum security, heavy firepower and everything. We had had to hightail out of it after the Perfect Soldier got himself shot in the middle of the damn mission. Then we got dunk in a smelly, gods-know-what-the-hell-the-ozzie-dump-from-their-lab sewer. I'd had to drag a semi-conscious, bleeding-all-over-the-place Heero Yuy out of that base, blasted the half-wired base sky-high, and jiggling here and there to get Wing away with Deathscythes to the safehouse. Only to find the unconscious baka's wounds got infected when I was struggling to get his ass cleaned up…

 

Did `Tired' describe it?

 

I would bet you my braid that had to be the most understated statement of the year!

 

I was so exhausted I wanna just… just go hide somewhere and sleep for the next month!

 

Yeah yeah, I knew I was rambling and I really couldn't afford to fall asleep, but my eyes kept shutting on me. And I couldn't seem to shake the feeling if they closed one tad too long, I wouldn't get to see the Perfect Soldier breathing and sleeping beside me again - I would be burying his dead body like I did my other loved ones.

 

Though when I did doze off against my will, I kept dreaming of my young Japanese friend; how excited and dreamy she was when she taught me that word, telling me how she wished her Prince Charming would come soon and whisk her away from all that shit that were our lives. How the light dulling in her eyes, when she lay dying in my arms coughing up blood, telling me wistfully the Prince Charming she envisioned didn't exactly had a `rat tail' like I did. Giggling softly with blood on her lips, she told me even though I told her `aishiteru', she couldn't love me like she would her prince, that I should have saved it for my intended, even if she appreciated the sentiment.

 

I dreamt of Father Maxwell and Sister Helen, telling me how much they loved me and how I should never give up on love, even if I tended to drive them up the wall sometime. And I kept seeing the last moment of Sister Helen's life, how she told me it wasn't my fault, that she would always love me, and my regret that I had never told them I loved them like the parents I never knew…

 

Just like I had never told Heero that I loved him.

 

None of that `love at first sight' fairy tale shit I has always imagined for my fated lover. Not even a `her' for crying out loud. But I do love him.

 

If he ended up dead without knowing my love for him like Father Maxwell and Sister Helen, can I live with the guilt and regrets?

 

DO I wanna live with all that shit on my conscious, knowing he would never know how much he means to me?

 

I don't think I can.

 

I don't think I would EVEN wanna last that long to think about that.

 

So what if Shinigami likes to take away all my loved one? Heero was half way there already anyway; it wouldn't matter much if my confession did push him over the edge… at least this way I could stay alive long enough to exact my revenge before I joined him in hell.

 

Selfish of me, you say? Bite me, I'm only human.

 

 

So… I told him `aishiteru' the next time he came awake, sobbing his way out of the nightmare. I had pulled him into my arms, pinning his arms between our bodies - I wasn't sure what his reaction would be and I didn't wanna die if I could help it - and said it to his face. I wasn't sure what to expect; he had been delirious with fever for hours afterall, but I sure as hell didn't expect him to freeze one minute, and threw himself right against me the next literally. I bet he would have broken a rib or two and squeezed the life outta me had he the strength, he was so weak with the fever and those gunshot wounds.

 

I wasn't sure what happened afterward. I was exhausted. I was worried sick about Heero. And he was so warm, so right, so… I don't know, fitting in my arms that I went straight to the La-la-land. Or maybe passed out, I wouldn't know. All that I knew was that I woke to the delicious smell of food and coffee, and a warm body tangled with my own. Trowa, the Silencer, the infiltrator of our group, had gotten my SOS and, somehow, managed to slip through the enemy line, bringing all that we needed to save my Heero.

 

Faith

It can lift you up

And we've got enough

To reach a new beginning

Love

Can withstand a storm

In the final hour

We'll find the joy in living

Don't let go

`Cause I know

Pretty soon you will see

 

I wasn't sure if he returned my feelings; he didn't say anything when he was good and mobile afterward, though he didn't seem to mind my touchy feely moves anymore. Sure, he flinched and winced sometime when I sneaked up on him, but he didn't pull his gun and threatened me like before unless I had startled him badly.

 

And he started to slip into my bed a few nights every week after that. I hadn't noticed it at first, for he always slipped away before I woke. I only found that out one night when I had had one hell of a nightmare, and nearly stabbed him with my spring-loaded when I woke, feeling someone beside me. He was lucky since I managed to open my eyes before I did the stabbing. That, and the fact that we didn't close the drape that night. The moonlight that cast a gentle slivery light over his angelic sleeping face was enough for me to identify the sneaky lil' bastard and stop my killer reflex.

 

I didn't know how he did it, but he didn't even stir throughout my nightmare and all the moving around I did after I woke. So I poked him awake once I was done soothing my ruffled feathers. He didn't say a word, though he did look at me not unlike a sleepy kitten, waiting to see if I was going to kick him out of my bed.

 

I was angry at first, how dared he look at me like that when he damn well knew I could have accidentally killed him in my sleep. But… looking at his adorable sleepy face, I couldn't do it. So, with a growl of “Next time, get in before I fall asleep!”, I roughly jerked his compliant body into my arms, warped myself around him like a blanket, and spent the rest of the night in a peaceful slumber.

 

 

We never talked about what happened that night, and we did a hell lot more than sleeping together since that incident. But no matter how much I pounced on him, how rough a session of our lovemaking was sometimes, he never complaint nor resisted my advances. Although he never responded to any of my confessions either, other than flinching or grimacing slightly when I touched him or held him tight during those times.

 

I wasn't sure what to think about that, other than maybe he was just shy about it, or that he was still uncertain about my feelings about him, and etc. But at times, I could hardly believe some of those reasoning I came up with about him. I meant, what was there to be shy about anyway? We have done so many things I bet we would probably be billionaires if we sold those as porn. And if there was any uncertainty about my love or the sincerity of my feelings for him, I would be dead before I could strip him, much less took his virginity…

 

I thought that… I was almost certain that… he was in love with me, when he busted me out of the OZ base that one time.

 

I was quite certain I was a liability at that point - I was severely injured; I had stayed in the base so long that I could have been a security breach - I thought he would just shoot me at sight. But to my surprise, not only had he hesitated, he had allowed me to hold him.

 

On MY request.

 

At the ENEMY base.

 

Where EVERYONE around him was registered as ENEMY to his trained senses.

 

He. Let. Me. HELD. Him.

 

Could you imagine what that meant for someone like the Perfect Soldier?

 

Could you imagine how much that one action had to cost him to grant me such a request at such a place?

 

Not only he didn't snap my neck afterwards as I thought he would, but busted my ass out of there?

 

If that wasn't love, I had no idea what love would be like for the Perfect Soldier…

 

 

I thought I would never doubt his love for me. But I couldn't stop the insecurity and uncertainty from sneaking up on me. I mean, I may be in love but I am not blind. The flinching, the wincing, the grimacing, the pained looks… they aren't something you always see on your lover's face when you touch him, or hold him, or tell him you love him. They just aren't meant to be there for someone in love at all.

 

He had tried to hide them from me; he would look away, he would bury his face in my shirt or my shoulder, he would take my braid and nuzzle it, pretend to smell it… he had tried very hard to hide them, I'd grant him that. But he forgot the fact that I was a Gundam pilot too. That out of us five, I was also the best in stealth operation. I watched. I observed. Not saying anything didn't mean I didn't know about it. Body reactions, facial expressions… not much could escape the attention of a true Stealth Master such as myself, not when it meant whether I lived to see another day. It simply didn't matter if I couldn't see his face. The trembling of his body, the way his face moved when he buried it against me… that's everything I needed to know.

 

If he would only say it to me… I didn't ask for much… just once, all he had to do was said it once, and I would believe him. I would overlook everything I saw, because I trusted his word to me. He lied sometimes, for missions' sake, but he had never lied to me. He would tell me off when I was being annoying, he would call me a baka when I was being stupid, he would praise me if I did a good job, and he would kick my ass if I messed up…

 

Just once, Heero… is that too much to ask?

 

 

I left him.

 

I just… couldn't do it anymore…

 

I… couldn't… not when he didn't even know what love is…

 

…not when he was so confused about me, about `us', that he had to ask me, “what is love?”…

 

Right in front of you

Right in front of me

We were looking

But somehow, some way

We couldn't see

That the love was always there

It's been around us everywhere

I had to fall to finally see

That you were right in front of me

 

[“Maxwell.”

 

“Duo.”

 

“Hey Tro. What's up?”

 

“…”

 

“Tro? …Hey, you there, Trowa?”

 

“…Heero's dying.”

 

“NANI??”

 

“Heero's dying.”

 

“…”

 

“Duo?”

 

“…Ha Ha Ha, very funny. It's not April Fools' yet, Tro. Nice try.”

 

“I'm not kidding.”

 

“…”

 

“Duo?”

 

“… …”

 

“DUO?”

 

“…liar…”

 

“Duo??”

 

“Liar!! You're lying! He wouldn't… he couldn't…”

“No… Duo…”

 

“No! You are a bloody liar! Heero is okay. I just saw him a week ago. He was just fine…”

 

“Duo, listen…”

 

“No! I won't! I won't liste…”

 

“DUO MAXWELL! SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME!! Have I EVER lied to you?”

 

“…no…”

 

“And I would NEVER lie to you about something as important as this. Heero is dying. That's a fact! We are spending every resource we can to find a cure for him, but nothing worked so far. Heero misses you. He is hurting very badly now and I know he wants to see you. That's why he went to the headquarter last week, to hand in his resignation. He knew you would be there that day. He went there that day just so he could see you again. He…”

 

“NO! You are lying! He looked just fine! He even smiled at my stupid jokes! He couldn't…”

 

“GODDAMNIT, MAXWELL! Do You Ever Use Your Brain?? Think about it; Heero is our ace hacker and computer expert. There're million ways for him to send in his resignation or change his work status without him going in personally. You know him. You tell me why he would do things in such an inefficient way.”

 

“…I…I…he…”

 

“Please, Duo. He doesn't have much time. We tried, but he was hurting so bad that none of the painkillers we used worked very long. …I know it's a bit too much to ask… …I know…that you are with Chang now. But for old time's sake, please… just stay until he is gone. Or just… just stay with him for awhile, Duo?”

 

“… … …”

 

“Duo?”

 

“He knew, didn't he?”

 

“Huh?”

 

“He knew I'm with Fei now, didn't he? And he put you up with such a harebrained scheme trying to get me back, didn't he?”

 

“…No…”

 

“He THOUGHT if I believe he's dying, I'd go back to him, didn't he? How could he… how DARE he…”

 

“No, you misunderstand. Listen, Duo…”

 

“No! I won't listen to all these bullshits! I won't go back! I won't take this kind of shit from him! I won't! I Won't!!”

 

“DAMN YOU, MAXWELL! DAMN YOU!! Why Won't You EVER Listen To Me?? Heero doesn't EVEN know that I call! He has EXPLICITLY demanded that none of us tell you two about his condition! He did NOT want you to come back out of pity! Yes, he knows you are with Chang now, and it's hurting him so badly most of his time now is spent dazed with drugs!! He trusted your judgment, he trusted Chang would take good care of you, and he believed you'd be much better off with Chang. But I KNOW you, and I KNOW Heero. You're still in love with each other. This is just one big misunderstanding. You…”

 

“No… he doesn't love me… He has never loved…”

 

“Shut Up, Maxwell! We both know that's NOT true. And you WILL listen to what I've to say without further interruption! I'm not doing this to hurt you, and God knows I'm risking my life, my mate and my friendship for calling you about this… Quatre alone would have torn me limb from bloody limb if he knows!

 

“Heero loved you, and he still does. You're the only one who could touch him without setting off his reflex. Even weak as he is now, we have to restraint him while he sleeps, so our staff won't be accidentally strangled if he wakes with them around him! He let you touch him, caress him, hold him, make love to him, while he would have maimed before someone laid a hand on him, even if that someone is as close to him like Quatre and I. What does that tell you?”

 

“But… but he doesn't understand love… he doesn't even know what love is…”

 

“Just because he doesn't understand doesn't mean he doesn't know how to love! Did you ever see him treating anyone the way he treated you? Did you?? … …He doesn't have much time left, Duo… If he ever knows that I call you… if he ever knows, it would be like a betrayal to him… I don't want him to hate me… he's like a brother to me… but I can't stand to see him in pain anymore…”

 

“… … …”

 

“… … …”

 

“… …I… can't… 'm sorry, Tro… but I can't… …”

 

“…Duo…”

 

“…he'll die if I go anywhere near him… …the Shinigami's curse… …it'll get him for sure if I go near him again… …I can't do that… …I love him… …'s why he's dying… …I can't… …I…”

 

“Duo?”

 

“…'m sorry… …hadda go… …I hadda go… …”

 

“Duo??”

 

<Hang up>]

 

 

“Goddamnit, Duo! Why the hell are you cutting yourself again?”

 

“…Wha…What?”

 

“Duo, you are cutting yourself again!”

 

“…oh… uh…gomen, Fei… didn't mean to…”

 

“And you're drunk too… what's wrong, love?”

 

“…nothing… …just… …just wanna see my angel… 's all…”

 

“Duo, you don't need to cut yourself to see your angel. I don't think your angel would be happy to see you hurting yourself.”

 

“…no…he wouldn't…”

 

“That's right, love. He wouldn't. Now, promise me you won't do that again.”

 

“…uh…Fei…do I hadda?…”

 

“Yes, you have to. Or I'll take away your spring-loaded.”

 

“…oh…okay…I promise…”

 

“Duo…”

 

“…fine…I…uh…promise won't cut myself again…”

 

“Good boy. Now, rest easy my love. Maybe your angel would join you in your dream tonight.”

 

You are my tomorrow

There's safety in your arms

Where you go, I'll follow

`Cause you're the world where I belong

 

It had been hard, trying to keep my promise to Fei.

 

But it was so much harder, just to keep myself away from my angel.

 

God knows how long and tough I have been struggling with myself…

 

I wanted to see him.

 

I wanted to hold him so much it ate away all my strength just to hold myself at bay.

 

There weren't much time left. But I couldn't… I couldn't do that to him.

 

I couldn't see him without bringing Shinigami much closer to him.

 

I loved him.

 

I still do.

 

I would live for him.

 

I would die for him.

And I would kill, just for him.

 

Even if it had been our life resolution not to kill again…

 

…even if I had to kill myself to break the damn curse, to save my Heero's life…

 

So be it.

 

 

I took up dangerous missions for the Preventers.

 

The more dangerous they were, the more reckless I became.

 

Fei and Une were worried about me. They had never seen me go Kamikaze like that. But they couldn't fault me for taking up those missions, for no one would be more qualified than I did.

 

Fei had tried to come with me on a few occasions, but I had always managed to stop him with one reason or another. All legitimate, of course. He worried, but I wasn't about to break my promise of `no suicide' to him.

 

Although I'd never said about doing anything if the mission happened to kill me.

 

So, even if he sensed that there was something wrong with me, he could never guess it…

 

…He was always dense like that…

 

 

I knew, that when I died, Fei would be hurt.

 

I knew, that he had been in love with me for a long time now.

 

And while I had taken up his offer and lived with him as his lover, he knew, deep down in his heart, that I was still in love with my angel. That I could never love him like I did my angel.

 

The only thing he didn't know, was the identity of my angel.

 

He never knew, that Heero Yuy, the Perfect Soldier, was my angel. That he has been my angel of light and he would always be it, be dead or alive.

 

He never asked, so I never said anything. Though I never knew how he could be so oblivious about it, there were so many rumors about `us' in the headquarter.

 

There were times, when I was hard pressed not to say anything about `us'.

 

I really wanted to tell him, that I was in love with Heero. That no matter how hard he tried, I could never love him like that. That, to me, he could only be a well-loved brother, or a little more than a best friend with benefit.

 

But I couldn't do that to him.

 

Not only it would have hurt him terribly, he would have pressured me until I stayed struck beside Heero. He was always honorable like that.

 

I couldn't let that happened.

 

Shinigami was out on a mission to break the bloody curse laid upon his angel.

 

And break the curse he would!

 

 

I found the perfect mission after a while.

 

It had heavy firepower, tough, sadistic thugs, tons of highly explosive materials and all that shits.

 

Not that I was into torture, hell no, I hated it with a passion. A legacy from those good old days.

 

But no one would question too much if I `happened' to die in the mission. Afterall, who would bother to question some sadistic maniacs?

 

The only downside was those greenies I was struck with. I didn't mind getting killed here, but these kids didn't deserve to die just because their mission leader wanted to. I had to get them out before the backup was here, or my `mission' be damned.

 

Right in front of you

Right in front of me

We were looking

But somehow, some way

We couldn't see

That the love was always there

It's been around us everywhere

I had to fall to finally see

That you were right in front of me

I never thought I would see him again…

 

My angel…

 

My Heero…

 

He looked so skinny… So pale… Just like the fragile porcelain doll I had always thought him to be…

 

It looked as if a strong gust of wind could have blown him away… and broke him into pieces…

 

JUST WHO IN THE BLOODY HELL LET HIM IN HERE?

 

I tried to hide from him. I knew he came here solely for me, I could see it in his beautiful eyes. He would only stay hidden in the shadow so long he didn't see me out here. But damn it, why couldn't his `Duo's radar' just freaking break down for once?

 

I tried to move, to intercept him, before he ran out in the open. But I couldn't do it… I busted my leg earlier, trying to shelter one of the kids…

 

Damn it… No! Angel… Heero… Stay back!

 

God Damned You, Maxwell! Just What The Hell Are You Doing When Your Angel Needs You?!?!

 

I tried to catch him, but my angel was just one tad too far from my reach… He was dancing so magnificently in the battle field… He twisted, and turned in a perfect arc, sending all those idiots who dared oppose him to hell… He was ever so graceful, but he was slowing down…

 

No… angel, don't slow down… Don't ever slow down before you reach me…

 

That was when I saw the blood red wings coming out of his shoulders… They looked so beautiful… …but those wings were slowing him down. He slowed a bit more whenever the wings spouted from his back…

 

…Stop it, Angel… stop showing me your wings… I love them… honest… but they are slowing you down… Please… just come to me…

 

…Oh God! Oh no! Oh God, please… no! Angel… Heero… don't go! Don't Leave Me! Please…please, just look at me! Oh God! Why are you bleeding like this? Somebody! Help! Please… oh God… please, somebody… anybody… help me!

 

Cool, red-tainted finger gently wiped at my face. Those oh-so-kissable blue-tainted lip was moving, but I couldn't hear what he was saying. Please…Love, don't leave me… save your strength… please…I need you… Please… don't go….

 

“Ai…ishite…ru… Du…-ko… Zu…tto…Ai…shi…te…u…”

 

…No, Heero… No… don't sleep… I didn't do all these just to lose you now… No… wake up, love……please… wake up…

 

noNoNONONOOOOO………

 

IYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA……