Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Mistaken Words ❯ Silent Apologies ( Chapter 17 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Mistaken Words

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Silent Apologies

Ash stood outside the glass window looking in on the man lying there, it had been three days since Heero's fever finally broke, signalling the end of the withdrawal, at least the worst of it. But he still had yet to wake. Despite his reservations about being around the Japanese man, Ash found himself continually coming to stand outside Heero's room, hazel eyes looking in. It had been a week since Dante announced to the world that 'Freedom's Point' decided to separate from the rest of the ESUN. And though the uproar over such an act was still ruling the airwaves twenty-four/seven, nothing really serious had happened because of it.

That was as much due to the fast work of Zechs and Quatre as it was the strength of their peace. Ash remained confident along side Dante, that the peace would hold, and the world would be able to move on past the shock, to acceptance. Most of that was all in Dante's hands now, besides being the breaker of tension, and the giver of reassurances Ash had little more to do with this business. Which was one of the reasons—he figured—that he continually ended up here, standing outside Heero's room, a part of him wishing he could just go in.

He was shocked from his thoughts when he saw Heero move, a slight shift was more like it, strapped down as he was there wasn't much he could do. Ash had tried to get them off of him once the fever had broke, but the doctor and nurses would have none of that. They were terrified of him, and until they knew he was fully aware they weren't about to change anything. Without thinking Ash took a step back away from the unobstructed view Heero would have when his eyes opened, he hated himself for leaving, but he could not stay, he had no right. Slowly Heero's eyes flickered opened, and Ash knew he didn't have that much time, he'd have to act fast if he wanted to avert a disaster.

Walking with quick strides down the hall, Ash came to the nurses station, and was relieved to see Heero's doctor discussing something with the nurse seated there. Both looked up at his hurried approach, and he broke in on their conversation, "He's awake."

Dr Stevens smiled with some relief evident in his kindly eyes, "This is good to hear, have you spoken to him?"

Ash gave him a look of disbelief, "No," he told the man bluntly, but shook his head he could not take out his frustration on this man who couldn't possibly understand what was really going on. There were far more important matters to take care of, "Look you need to go in there and remove the restraints now," this time it was not a request.

"I'm afraid that's going to have to wait for a little while, I want to be sure he's not a danger to anyone especially my staff."

"Go in there, ask him! Make sure he's coherent, then release him," Ash couldn't help glancing back over his shoulder towards the room, hoping there was still time. "Trust me, you think he was bad before I can only imagine what he'd be like now, when he actually realises he being restrained."

The doctor walked towards Ash and motioned for the both of them to head back down the hall, Ash followed though unwillingly. "You aren't really helping your friends case here," Stevens told him softly, "Are you saying he's more of a danger to us now that he's awake, than when he was still going through withdrawal."

Ash pulled the man to a halt, "No, not exactly, before he was just reacting to what he perceived to be a threat against him. Now he's going to know exactly what's going on, and he won't be happy," Ash's eyes travelled back to that room. "Trust me on this, if you want a fairly easy patient to work with, just do what I say. He's never liked doctor's and getting off on the wrong foot isn't going to make any of our lives easier."

"Alright I'm listening, what is it you want me to do?"

"Just go in there and make sure he's fully conscious, once you know he is, release the restraints and leave," Dr Stevens seemed about to object there, but Ash road over what he was going to say. "Give him a few minutes to fully orient himself before you go back in there to perform any tests you feel are necessary, okay?"

The older man thought this through for a moment, eyeing Ash somewhat sceptically, "Alright, we'll try it your way, but if another of my nurses get hurt because of him--"

"Don't worry, he has better control than that when he knows what's actually going on," Ash defended his friend. Dr Steven's hesitated for a moment before continuing on down the hall, not seeming to notice that he now walked alone, Ash turned back towards the nurses station, and once there requested use of the phone. Dialling without really thinking about the number, he waited for Dante to pick up. He was rewarded on the third ring with the sound of his friends calm voice.

"Hello?"

"He's awake," he decided quick an to the point was best.

"Really? When?" Dante's voice had taken on a note of excitement, and Ash was pretty sure, dread. Dante had been working himself to this moment for days, and now that it was here, Ash was sure it would seem harder to face, than he had thought in his mind.

"About ten minutes ago," Ash told him eyes flickering to the room, wondering how things were going.

There was a moment's pause, "I take it you haven't spoken to him…" it wasn't a question.

"No, I sent in Dr Stevens to deal with him, I don't even know when he'll be ready to talk…"

"I'll come by later today, and see," this statement caught Ash completely off guard, he had not thought his friend would be ready despite his preparations.

Ash let out a sigh, "Alright, I'll talk to you later," he said by way of goodbye, and hung up the phone. For several moments he lingered in the hall, eyes staring fixedly at the opened door, where the doctor had disappeared moments before. He did not want to let Dante out do him, to buck up the courage so much faster, and face the moment they both feared. Yet at the same time, he knew he would not be able to walk into that room today, or the next for that matter. To actually stand there with Heero's accusing eyes levelled at him, it was not something he was sure he'd ever be ready for.

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Feeling like he was climbing out of a pool of water with tired muscles, Heero slowly pulled himself back to consciousness, one inch at a time. It was not as smooth a transitions as he was used to making, but his mind was simply too fuzzy to keep his body from shifting, and his readings level. His hearing was the first sense to clear, and he could hear the softly annoying beeping of his heart somewhere off to the side, there were various other random sounds which confirmed for him the fact that he was in the hospital.

Feeling came back next, and with it panic, shifting on the bed as much as he could, Heero found that wasn't very far at all, and it was not because he was weak. It was because he had been strapped down. Fighting back the almost overwhelming urge to break free, Heero instead concentrated on waking further hoping to better understand what the hell was going on. Without opening his eyes the room began to come into focus, as he sensed the space around him, he could feel a pare of eyes watching him intently from somewhere before him, and he wanted to know who it was. Slowly and with a monumental amount of effort Heero blinked his eyes opened, but he was blinded by the lights. Squinting through watery eyes Heero sought out the one whom he had felt, but there was no one there.

When his eyes had finally focused Heero looked down at himself, and the five point restraints that held him to the hospital bed. Tentatively he pulled against them testing to see how tight they were, he knew in his present state there was no way he could break them, but perhaps they were loose enough for him to slip his hand free. Heero was met with no such luck, the staff had been very meticulous with each buckle, they were well padded to prevent injury, but there was no give to them. Once more the panic rose with in him, but it was something he could control, could funnel into greater purpose. He used it to give himself energy, be it only adrenaline it didn't matter; it would be enough—he hoped—to see him through whatever was to come.

The door to his room was wide opened, and the way to his bed was blocked by numerous machines, tubes and wires. Heero spent several moments taking in all the details of his location, everything he could see from his prone position. Due to the restraints on his wrist the IV drip had been moved to the inside of his left elbow, the arm had been braced to remain straight, despite the fact that he couldn't bend it anyway. His continued scan of the room was interrupted by the sudden presence of another man. Heero's eyes instantly narrowed, at the sight of the doctor, a man in a white lab coat, he could be nothing else.

"So you are awake…" the doctor breathed as though confirming a suspicion, Heero merely watched the man with distrust clear in his cobalt eyes. The man came to a stop by Heero's left side, having navigated his way through the seemingly endless machines. "My name is Dr Stevens, do you know where you are?"

Heero continued to stare at the may not choosing to reply.

"Look son, I want to be able to remove those restraints, but I'm not going to do that until I know you understand what's going on." To Heero's ears the man didn't sound as eager as his words said, "So I'll ask again, do you know where you are?"

As much as Heero didn't want to deal with this man right now, just wanted to be left alone, he did want to be freed of these restraints, finally he nodded his head. The older doctor smiled at that though it seemed to Heero's eyes to be slightly nervous, "Do you remember what happened to bring you here?" The former pilot considered that question for a brief moment, and it didn't take much for it to all come back to him. He nodded his head yet again.

"Well son, you're far less talkative then I expected, but if you'll just relax I'll remove those bindings." Heero didn't really appreciate being called son by this man, but he wasn't about to verbally express that fact, he just wanted this doctor to leave. Relaxing the muscles he had not realised were tense Heero watched as the man hesitantly stepped closer to him, his hands moving to remove the first cuff. "Be careful of this arm" he said while working the buckle, "Don't damage your IV."

Heero rolled his eyes silently and continued to consider the man, it was obvious that he was nervous, if not completely scared, but what had caused that. Try as he might to remember the last few days, or weeks—he wasn't even sure which it was—all Heero's mind came back with was darkness, and memories he had wished to forget. With his arm free Heero pulled it too him—as much as he could with it strapped the way it was—and the doctor jumped. Quickly moving on Dr Stevens finished removing the straps at all times keeping at least one eye on Heero's face.

When he had finished Stevens came once more to stand at the left side of the bed albeit a little further way than he had been last time. "There are some standard test that we need to run, but those can wait for a few minutes while you fully wake," he informed softly, and not waiting for a reply simply turned to leave.

Once alone, Heero shifted in the bed attempting to find a more comfortable position anything from the one he had been lying in for who knows how long. Cold eyes sought out the controls for the bed, and he reached for them with his right arm, pressing the button to bring the bed to a near sitting positions. Almost instantly black spots appeared before his eyes, as Heero's heart attempted to compensate for the sudden change, he was relieved when they passed, and he had not been sucked into total blackness.

His eyes darted about the room once again now being able to see all around him, it didn't surprise him that there were no windows. Though he did wonder if that was a conscious effort, or whether his escaping had even been considered. At that thought Heero began to feel the need to be away from here, but as of that moment he knew he didn't have the strength to get very far. It would be possible to give himself a couple of days no matter how annoying these doctors could be. With yet another sigh he settled himself back on the bed with nothing more to do than wait.

::::::::

It was with purposeful strides that Dante made his way through the endlessly white hospital halls, his destination Heero's room. A place he was both eager and dreading to arrive at. To be there meant the time had come to finally speak to the former pilot, and as much as he was nervous Dante also knew he'd be relieved to have this out. He had phoned ahead before coming and was glad, though not really surprised to hear that Heero was still awake. His doctor seemed rather taken aback by this fact though, but then he didn't really know Heero Neither do you Dante told himself darkly.

Before he had been put into VR all Dante had known was what Ash told him, and little of that made sense, the boy was an enigma it was just that simple. No amount of contemplation's would make him any clearer to the people around him. However he had been allowed a rare—though not at all consented too—glimpse into Heero's mind, and the experience had left him stunned for days. As he had been wondering whether or not to let the young man know what he had seen, was it right to keep such knowledge from him? But at the same time what would telling him accomplish? Nothing more than leaving him to feel vulnerable, and violated. It had been with that realisation that Dante chose not to mention his little trip into Heero's memories.

Dante pushed his way through the glass doors, which had stopped Ash almost a week before, he was resolved to what was going to happen, and was not about to let himself delay any longer. He nodded briefly to the nurse sitting behind the desk, diligently working on her computer, and continued on his way without a word, wanting no interruptions. Despite his eagerness to make it to Heero, Dante found the hall to his room disturbingly shorter than it should have been. Within seconds he was standing just off to one side of the door leading in, his eyes yet unable to see the former pilot.

Drawing a calming breath, Dante set his shoulders and rounded the corner, eyes falling upon a sight her had not expected to see, and he halted in the door, waiting for his mind to register. Heero lay in the large hospital bed, which had been raised to almost sitting, a few pieces of plastic and Velcro straps lay off to one side, and he was concentrating on the inside of his left elbow. Dante blinked realising what the young man was doing, "Perhaps you should leave that in there until you're sure you can hold down food," Dante comment without thought.

His words brought Heero's head up with a snap, and his already dark features pulled into a glare Dante had never been forced to face before, "Get out!" he grated in a low voice, which sounded gravely from to much time of no use.

With strength and conviction, that Dante did not know the origins of, he stepped into the room, and closed the door behind him. He did not come altogether close to Heero, but at the same time Dante made it clear he wasn't going to leave. "We need to talk," he told Heero simply, pale blue eyes meeting icy cobalt.

"I have nothing to say to you!" he spat voice still not raising, but some how managing to be more unnerving then someone yelling at the top of their lungs.

"Well I want to speak to you," he countered come yet another step closer, noticing now all the almost mangled wires that lay about the room, he hadn't noticed upon first entering but all the machines were utterly silent. "I wanted to apologise for having to resort to such tactics," Dante knew the apology would probably have no meaning to Heero, but it was true, had he been able to avoid using the VR, he certainly would have.

Heero merely continued to glare nothing on him moving it was impossible to tell what he was thinking or feeling. Dante wished he would say something, anything, at least then he might have something to work with other than this silence. He had truly hoped they'd be able to have a conversation, even if one side was yelling, at least he'd be able to get everything out in the opened. As things stood now, Dante wasn't even sure Heero was listening, or that what he was saying was actually sinking in.

Dante sighed, and decided there was really nothing he could do but continue, "I've made my announcement to the world, and you'll be relieved to know the Gundam was destroyed, the peace is still intact." For an instant Dante thought he saw a flash of something in the former pilots eyes, a spark of life perhaps, of understanding, it was a sign that what he was saying was actually sinking in.

He held his breath hoping for a verbal reaction, for something to blossom from that tiny reaction, but it seemed nothing was to come. The Japanese man continued to stare in silence, face a mask, though indeed a dark one. Dante released his held breath with a sigh raking a hand through his hair eyes glancing away from the stony youth.

"Do you know why…" a harsh voice finally spoke up, and Dante's head snapped back around to see Heero's face contorted with rage. "Do you have any idea why we destroyed all information on the Gundams? Why, even when you had Relena, she didn't give me over to you?!" the last was said with such bitter self hatred, that Dante was left stunned.

"They're a uniting figure, something to give power to even the smallest rebellious group, searching for anything to draw more numbers to their ranks." Heero's hands clenched into tight fist, "Do you even realise what you've unleashed?"

"Relax," Dante was quick to placate, "All the information of the Gundam's schematics was not saved in any hard form, there is nothing left for anyone to get."

"And the men?" Heero demanded back quickly.

"I would trust each and everyone of them with my life, they are good men," he hoped his words would assure Heero, but some how he doubted there was much that would.

The Japanese man opened his mouth as if to ask yet another question, but a look of suspicion took his features for a brief second, and he seemed to reconsider. "You should have left it alone, you had no right to…" he trailed off, far to angry to continue.

For a moment Dante was left speechless not knowing what he could say or do, that could possibly ease the tension that had quick suddenly filled the room. However nothing was coming to mind, potentially anything he said might make matters worse, and he doubted this stress was doing the former pilot much good. "Heero I've asked Dr Stevens to give you as much space as possible, no one here is going to try and keep you here if you choose to leave. But I'd prefer if you wait until they've given their approval…"

Heero's eyes flickered at that, but it was to fast for Dante to gleam what he was thinking, he did feel it couldn't be good though. He took a step back, away from the bed, and back towards the closed door, "I've had a substantial amount of money, put into your account," Dante began softly eyes no longer looking at the other man. "No I'm not trying to pay you off for what happened, I just want to make sure if you want to leave, you'll have the means to do so, though you'll always be welcomed here."

Not surprising Heero's response was a silent one, and Dante glancing once more at the former pilot before quietly leaving the room. He wished he had something more to offer, but there was nothing, and he knew it. Dante took several steps down the hall, before looking back over his shoulder towards Heero's room, "I'm sorry…" he whispered.

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Ash walked with feet that felt like lead towards Dante's office; his mind had been heavily laden with thoughts of Heero over the last few days, and his heart heavy with guilt. It had been two days since he had gone to see Heero in the hospital, only to have the former pilot finally wake up, and during that time Ash had not been able to make himself return. His guilt was born of both self-loathing, and fear, through the three years Ash had know Heero, he had inserted himself rather deeply into the Japanese man's life. Or at least as deeply as Heero would allow him, which wasn't really that deep at all. But he had done his best to make sure his friend ate and slept, as all normal people needed to do.

And now look what it had led him too. Ash had never asked Heero if he wanted the concern—the almost mother like badgering—he had just given it, seeing that this lonely young man needed someone to look out for him. He supposed it was the fact that he didn't ask, that allowed him to continue with his prodding. Ash had caught Heero quite off guard with his forward nature, telling him exactly what he didn't necessarily want to hear, without a care for the consequences that might have come.

It gnawed at him deeply that he wasn't there for Heero now, when he could use a friend, though Ash had no right to call himself such. But what right did he have to simply barge in there as though the last few weeks hadn't happened, as though he had not helped to force his friend into bondage. It had not been lasting, but they had done the unspeakable during that time, and raped his mind for the information they had desperately sought. There was no hope to apologise for that…

In his mind Ash continually saw images of Heero lying there alone, the picture was far more pathetic than the reality Ash knew, but that didn't stop his mind from conjuring such thoughts. He used them to punish himself, telling himself if he could only pluck up the courage, he might be able to make this period a little easier for Heero. But even the guilt and nightmares weren't enough, nothing could get him past the fact that he had no right to be there.

Ash's mind was drowned so deep in though that he did not even notice Samantha's eyes on him as he walked past the desk, making his distracted way to Dante's office. His head came up as he reached the door, and he pushed his way in unannounced, he had never needed to give Dante warning before he came, they were too close of friends for that. The leader of the Free Born was sitting behind his large desk in a relaxed manner, as Ash stepped in closing the door behind him. But there was something about the set of his features that almost made Ash nervous. He stood there for a moment in silence, studying but unable to place his finger on it; he simply crossed the room to a seat, and dropped down in his usual manner.

"You look like hell," Dante told him bluntly his face a serious mask, as he leaned across the table scrutinising Ash's face.

Ash shrugged him off, "Just haven't really been sleeping all that well…" his eyes didn't really look at Dante but rather sought out the unobstructed window. "How's Heero?" he asked without thought, and immediately regretted it, what right did he have to know?

Ash missed the almost mischievous glint in Dante's eyes, "I'm glad you asked actually, Dr. Stevens just called," that brought Ash's eyes back to his friends face, "It seems he's concerned about Heero's recovery--"

"Why? What's happened?" all thoughts of guilt fled in the face of concern.

Dante raised a hand to silence Ash's questions, "Relax, it's nothing major really, only Heero's been very agitated since waking, and because of this he hasn't been allowing himself to sleep. I had asked Dr Stevens to give Heero as much space as possible in the hopes that would help…but it hasn't appear to. In fact Heero has extended the distance, not allowing any of them near him with a syringe." Dante rolled his eyes at that, and quickly continued, "So they can't give him a sedative to help him rest."

Releasing a breath he had not realised he had been holding, Ash lessened his grip on the armrests, "That doesn't really surprise me," he commented trying to sound calm. "Heero's never liked being in a position like that."

"I know," Dante agreed coming to his feet, "Which is why I want you to go there for a while."

Ash was already shaking his head before Dante had finished, "No, that won't help him any," he shuddered internally at the thought, a strong fear gripping his gut at the thought of seeing the Japanese man again.

"On the contrary I think it would help a lot, for both of you," he added the last pointedly.

Coming to his feet also, Ash found himself speaking with anger in his voice, though it was not directed at his friend but himself. "I have no right to go in there! I can't help him!" he made to leave the office but Dante's quiet words stopped him.

"Dr Stevens also told me how you managed to calm Heero, even when he was in withdrawal, when nothing else had been able to reach him…"

Ash stood there one hand resting on the smooth surface of the wooden door, head bowed eyes hidden from sight. "That doesn't mean anything," he whispered, "He wasn't aware of what was said or who said it…"

"I think he was," Dante returned gently, "I think he'd welcome the company, and I definitely think you need to face him."

"I don't have the right…" Ash sighed punching the door with his fist, before turning around to flop back against it.

Dante wore a gentle smile on his face, "You underestimate his forgiveness I think."

"Did he forgive you?"

"I never expected him too," Dante told him honestly, "I was never the friend Heero needed, he never trusted me like he trusted you."

"All the more reason for him not to forgive me," Ash shot back bitterly.

But Dante was shaking his head, "Quite the opposite I think, despite the fact Heero's never openly admitted it, I know he trusts you, considers you a friend and ally. Someone he needed to stand by him through these three years. What happened two weeks ago hasn't changed that need."

Ash looked away still unconvinced, his mind screaming at him that it wasn't possible, that he had no right. "Ash…" Dante bade softly, slowly he looked over to his friend, "This was never a request, it's an assignment."

For a moment Ash stood there stunned finding it hard to believe Dante would actually pull that card. He could still try and refuse, obviously, but something inside him would allow him to do that. Bitterly he swore under his breath using the length and breadth of his vocabulary, enough to make even Dante's eyes widen.

"I know this is what you want, even if you still can't admit it to yourself."

Ash blinked away the memory, hazel eyes looking at the glass door he once more stood paralysed outside. A part of his mind still found it hard to believe Dante had managed to coheres him into coming here, and he wondered how long Dante had been planing for that. Ash was no longer sure how long he had been standing there, but it was long enough that the people moving around were not giving him those odd looks. With a frustrated sigh Ash forced himself to step forward, he didn't have the option of turning and leaving, not now when Dante had assigned him to this. And despite his nerves and guilt, Ash couldn't deny he did want to be there for Heero.

With a nod of his head Ash passed the station, noting an almost relieved light coming into the nurses eyes. He didn't bother to stop and ask any questions, knowing a delay now would keep him from ever getting into Heero's room. He had to keep walking while his body was doing all the work, and his brain hadn't caught up to stop him. Ash could have sworn someone changed the length of the hall each time he came back here, sometimes it was too short, and others monumentally long as it was today. Ash tired to cover the distance quickly, but his feet seemed weighted as they had that morning, and it was almost as if he were moving in slow motion. But at least he was moving, and the room drew ever closer.

Finally Ash's mind caught up, and seemed to think better of his previous decision, pulling him to a halt right outside Heero's door. He felt a wash of relief fall over him, at the tiny delay, along with a spark of nerves, Ash knew he would not be able to remain outside forever. With a sigh Ash gripped the frame of the door, and pulled himself around it, allowing his eyes to fall upon a wakeful Heero for the first time. What he saw there caught him entirely off guard.

Heero was not lying down on the bed as Ash would have expected, but rather was sitting on the edge working at the shoelaces of one shoe. He looked disturbingly pale to Ash's hazel eyes but at least he was up and moving about. Heero was still wearing the white quick snap pants; Dante had had him in during VR, however the thin white coat, and been replaced with a plain black T-shirt. Ash studied his friend in the silent moments while Heero was still unaware, noticing a certain strain in his shoulders that had not been there before. Heero was on edge, it was easy for Ash to see, and he also knew why, but he didn't think there was much he could do to lessen that for Heero.

Just at that moment Heero's head shot up, turning quickly towards the door, his expression a dark glare. Instantly Ash regretted coming as he had been positive he would, nothing had been said and already Heero was making it clear he didn't want Ash there. It seemed to take Heero a moment for his eyes to focus once he was looking as Ash, and when he did, his whole demeanour changed. That tension left his shoulders, and it was as if he breathed a sigh of relief, "Ash…" his voice almost whispered with surprise.

Heero's features were drawn, pale but the glare was gone replaced by a look Ash knew all to well, it was the mask, emotionless, and steady. It shocked Ash to his core that Heero had done almost exactly what Dante had told him he would, yet still Ash could see a strong look of unease around Heero's eyes something he wasn't entirely able to hide. He wanted to be away from here, and would not rest until he could or realises he can't… Ash thought to himself an idea slowly forming. As much as he wanted Heero to be away from here, and things hopefully return back to normal, he didn't want the Japanese man endangering himself. And the only way Ash could see to accomplish this was to prove to Heero that he was not yet well enough to leave.

He stepped a little deeper into the room, and Heero returned his attention to his other shoe, closer now, Ash could not miss the tremble in the former pilot's limbs, as he worked at tightening the laces. He was clearly forcing himself, but Dante had made the promise that they would not try to stop him, and that's exactly what Ash planed to do. "I'll go take care of the paperwork if that's alright with you?" Ash offered his voice surprisingly smooth considering how he was feeling inside.

Heero's hands halted and he looked up once more; again his eyes took a moment to focus, and Ash thought he noted a little frustration deep within those cobalt eyes. Finally he just nodded his head, not bothering to use words. Heero had always been a man of few words, and this was not the only time Ash wished he were a little more conversational, he wanted to know things were alright, despite the fact that they couldn't possibly be. Satisfying himself with the only response he was going to get, Ash moved back out into the hall, glad at least to have made it this far, and to be given a moment to compose himself before he'd be back in Heero's presence.

Quickly Ash made his way back to the nurses station, only to find Dr Stevens walking towards the double glass doors, on his way to lunch most likely. "Dr Stevens," Ash called to the man's back bringing him up, "A moment please?" the older man came to a halt turning, and didn't look to please at the interruption.

"What is it?" Stevens asked with barely contained irritation.

"Heero's leaving," Ash told him simply, almost smirking at the doctor's expression…almost.

"What? He's not well enough to be leaving right now!" the doctor seemed ready to march right back down the hall, and tell Heero just that, but Ash put out his hand to stop him.

"Don't forget, Dante told you not to stop him if he wanted to leave," Stevens opened his mouth to protest clearly his doctors oath overriding his wariness of Heero. "Don't worry," Ash was quick to continue, "I'm going with him, I doubt he's going to make it very far, but the only way to convince him to stay here and rest is to let him prove to himself that he can't leave just yet."

The older man seemed to consider this for a moment, eyes flickering down the hall before they return to Ash's face. "Alright, we'll be ready for you," Stevens eyes were obviously still considering what Ash had told him, and finally he shook his head with a soft laugh, "A lot like a child…"

Ash blinked at that statement, but couldn't deny the similarities, Heero was just that stubborn, it didn't matter how many people told him he couldn't do something he had to see for himself. The only difference was, Heero quite often proved them wrong, and as unlikely as he thought that would be right now, Ash almost hoped Heero would prove them wrong again. "You might want a sedative ready, this might be the only time you can give him one…" Stevens nodded mutely, and Ash turned to make his way back to Heero.

When he turned the corner yet again Heero was standing beside his bed, one hand resting on the rail, appearing to bear a good deal of his weight. "You ready to go?" Ash asked softly, once again he noted that subtle tension leave Heero's slim shoulders, and he felt so unworthy to be the one who could help Heero in that way.

"Yeah…" Heero responded after a moment keeping his head down, as though he were afraid to move it. Ash wait by the door for Heero to come to him, he didn't want to rush in there and make the Japanese man think he was hovering, but then again he didn't want to have so much distance between them that he wouldn't be able to catch him if he should fall. Heero's steps were surprisingly determined as he pushed off the bed and made his way over.

Heero walked past without a word his right hand almost subconsciously reaching towards the doorframe as if he intended to support himself, but at the last second he withdrew it, and stepped through. Ash tried to decide what he was feeling in those moments as he followed behind the much smaller Japanese man, while they made their slow way down the hall. Matters seemed—at least on the outside—to be very much as they ever were, Ash did what was needed without permission, and Heero silently accepted. For that Ash was grateful, he almost felt as though he could forget what had brought them to this moment, and move on. Yet at the same time he knew Heero could not forget so easily, and though he hadn't said anything Ash would have been quite the fool to believe it was all over.

Together they walked silently past the nurses station Dr Stevens was nowhere to be found, and the young nurse was studiously watching her computer monitor. Heero pushed his way though the glass doors, and stopped for a moment searching his surrounding for the quickest exit. Ash was about to speak up, pointing him in the right direction when Heero began walking just where Ash had been going to tell him. As they made their way towards the elevator Ash carefully watched Heero's movements noticing the growing tremble in his legs, and the sweat which stood out on his brow. He began to suspect Heero didn't have much strength left in him.

Once in the elevator Heero leaned heavily against the wall leaving it to Ash to press the button for the main floor. For a moment Ash almost found himself telling Heero what a stupid idea this was, that he shouldn't be going out now, that he should be resting. But he stopped himself well before the worlds ever made it from his mind to his throat; he had no right to interject such opinions on Heero. With an obvious effort Heero pushed himself off the wall as the elevator came to a stop, and he wavered where he stood, causing every muscle in Ash to tense, as he readied himself to lung forward. However much to his surprise and relief Heero managed to keep his feet and walked out.

But it wasn't to last, Heero walked with determined, if not shaking strides towards the main exit, gaining about a third of the distance before his strength finally gave out, and he collapsed. His small form fell forward towards the polished tiles, and Ash rushed forward to catch him, scooping Heero up into his arms. He found himself in shock, at how little Heero weighed, it felt almost as though he wasn't caring anyone at all. Heero's head turned slowly until his eyes were on Ash, but they did not remain open for long.

Ash made his way back to the elevator quickly; sending away the worried staff who came to his aid, with a look and a shake of his head. He was greatly unnerved by the furious beating of Heero's heart, and he waited in terse silence, hoping it would slow itself down. The ride back up seemed eternally longer than it had the way down, mostly because Ash wanted to know that Heero would be alright. His long legs carried him quickly away from the elevator and back to the glass doors they had only recently left through. Pushing his way through with his shoulder Ash brought about the eyes of two nurses and Dr Stevens.

"How far did he get?" Dr Stevens asked coming towards Ash.

"About a third of the way to the exit," that brought a shocked expression to the doctor's face.

"Alright bring him back to his room," the older man lead the way walking about a half a step before Ash, back over his shoulder he called to one of the nurses. "Elie bring the cart, we might as well take advantage of the situation," the last was directed to Ash.

Looking down at his unconscious friend Ash spoke, "I take it he hasn't been the easiest of patients," there was no doubt in his mind about that, he only wondered how bad it was.

"He hasn't let us near him since he woke," Dr Stevens informed, "You told me he'd be difficult but I hadn't really been prepared."

Ash was surprised that he actually found himself chuckling at that, as they turned into Heero's room, and he was able to lay his light burden back on the bed. Dr Stevens quickly moved to Heero's side raising his wrist to check his pulse. Ash quite quickly found himself pinned between the bed and Elie who came walking in with the desired medical items, doing his best to slip away without causing too much trouble. Ash made his way around to the other side of the bed, watching in silence as they began their examination.

Almost as an after thought Ash began removing Heero's carefully tied up shoes, he listened without really hearing to what Stevens and the nurse had to say as they worked, but for the most part his eyes remained locked on Heero's face. It didn't take them long to finish the exam, and the last thing Dr Stevens did before leaving was inject a sedative into Heero's arm. He paused at the door for a moment eyes looking to Ash, "Are you going to be here for a while?"

"Until he wakes," Ash replied.

"Good let me know when he does, I'd like him to eat something," he waited just long enough to see Ash silently nod before he disappeared.

Ash moved slowly back around to the other side of the bed, finding there was more room there to place one of the chairs that had been pushed up against the wall. But before he settled himself in for what would most likely be a long wait, Ash carefully straightened the blankets that were draped over Heero's thin form. I'm sorry he thought finally, part of him not wanting to give voice to those words, as it seemed pointless now that Heero couldn't hear.

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It was the early evening, and Ash was about to start flipping through the same magazine for about the fourteenth time, when Heero suddenly stirred in his bed. Ash's head shot up unable to believe Heero would be waking already. He had been absolutely exhausted, and had been given a sedative on top of that Ash found it hard to believe—even for Heero—that he could be coming around so soon. Coming to his feet Ash watched in silence, and Heero began to shift more his movements becoming jerky and clearly agitated.

Suddenly his eyes flew opened panic filling them; Ash was shocked as he looked down at his friend seeing now that he wasn't fully aware. "It's alright…" he told Heero softly. Cobalt eyes flickered to Ash's face, unfocused but clearly intent and the panic quickly faded allowing Heero to slip back into a restful sleep.

For a long time Ash just stood there looking down at Heero's sleeping form, watching the slow but steady rise and fall of his chest. Why was it that Heero allowed himself to relax in Ash's presence? It was something Ash would have dearly loved to ask the Japanese man; had there been a way to do it. However a part of him was fairly sure Heero wasn't even aware that Ash's presence had that effect on him. Sighing softly Ash once more resumed his seat, though he did not pick up the magazine again, rather he continued his silent vigil over Heero.

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Heero felt the weight of sleep slide from his mind but a groggy mist remained hovering about his thoughts, in a way that was all to familiar to him. He had been drugged, there was no mistaking that feel, the sense that half of his mind was floating outside of the confinement of his body. It was not a feeling Heero appreciated, and he tired to fight it off, hoping that there wasn't much of the sedative left in his system, but his internal struggles seemed to get him no closer to full wakefulness. With some frustration Heero considered letting himself drop back into the blackness, and sleep the rest of the drug off.

However something kept him from doing just that, the presence of another person in the room, another person besides Ash. It unnerved Heero somewhat, with how much he had come to accept Ash as an ally despite what had happened between them. That betrayal had hurt him, but Heero could not deny to himself—though he would never admit it out loud—that he needed someone there to watch his back. Like the other pilots, Ash's presence was something accepted without a second thought, something that was so very much like their own…

Heero fought to free his mind of such thoughts, not wanting to dwell on matters that he could no longer change. Instead he focused his limited attention on the presence that had stopped him from slipping into his dreamless world. It was the doctor, one of the last men Heero wanted to be dealing with right now, so he continued to feign sleep in the hopes that the man would leave before long. To his advantage, the longer he remained in this fake sleep, the more his mind woke up, and he could hear that Ash and the doctor were discussing something, yet his mind was still too buried in fog to understand.

Finally Heero felt Stevens leave the room, and he found himself forcing his eyes to open, despite the effort it was taking. Something had just occurred to his tired mind, and he wanted to see if his assumption was true. Letting his head drop to one side on the pillow, Heero managed to open his eyes a crack though they did not want to focus, right away. Ash gasped in surprise, and Heero could make out his blurred form leaning forward on the edge of his seat, "It's good to see you're finally awake," Ash told him softly.

Waiting the brief moment it too for his vision to finally clear before he spoke his thoughts, "You knew…" he accused softly

Ash blinked, emotions racing across his face in rapid succession, but Heero's mind was too tired to process them. "I suspected," Ash corrected voice decidedly more subdued than normal.

That was the confirmation he had been expecting, but it led him to more questions. Ash's assistance with his attempted 'escape' hadn't at all fit with what Heero had been expecting. At any other time Ash would have quickly told him what a fool he was being, and would probably have tried to hold him down while the doctor drugged him. So why the sudden change? when he had been fairly sure Heero wouldn't even make it? Heero shifted in the bed rolling onto his side, so it was easier for him to see the other man.

"But you let me go anyway…" Heero's tired voice didn't phrase it like a question, but it was clear nonetheless that he was looking for an answer.

Ash's hazel eyes looked away, as he leaned forward in his seat, "I didn't think you'd rest until you knew your limits," he replied simply.

Heero stared at Ash for a long moment, finding it hard to believe how well this man knew him, without really knowing him at all. Much like when he had first been around the other pilots…

Heero sat up on the small cot, cobalt eyes staring at the floor intently, it was not a place he wanted to end up, yet remaining where he was, was no longer an option either. He had been lying on this bed for near two months, and it was high time he left it—and the people who brought him too it— behind. Heero wasn't comfortable in the presence of others, he had always much preferred to work alone. This wasn't to say he didn't see the uses of a team, only for the most part Heero believed he was better equipped to handle matters on his own.

With a hand that was trembling, but only with anticipation, or at least that's what Heero kept telling himself. He threw back the blankets, which had covered him, and made to shift his legs to the floor. His joints were stiff from lack of use, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been as Trowa had worked them carefully over time. Almost as if the thought had summoned him, Heero looked up to see Trowa leaning against the doorframe. His expression was blank, and no amount of staring would allow any glimpse into what he was thinking.

But somehow through that expressionless mask, Heero got the distinct impression that Trowa didn't approve of what he was about to do. Despite that Heero continued forward stifling a groan as he shifted his left arm, Heero reached out with his right to grip the wall using it to help him stand. His heart pounded as he stood, and he could feel his pulse beat painfully in his still healing injuries. But that was quickly washed away with the satisfaction brought on by the fact that he was standing. Yet the satisfaction was short lived as his legs betrayed him and he fell forward into Trowa's waiting arms.

He looked up at the taller man with a glare, only to receive a mysterious smirk in return; "I've been waiting a week for you too do that…" Heero stiffened in the other man's arms, but allowed himself to be sat back down on the bed. "You have to take better care of yourself, you know now your body's not ready, give yourself a little more time," with that said, Trowa turned to leave.

Heero's eyes fell closed with the memory, of a time that felt an eternity away So much has changed… he thought darkly to himself, for what he was positive was not the first time. "I'm so tired…" he mumbled not even really aware that he had spoken aloud.

Ash jerked in his seat a strong look of concern ruling over his features, "Then sleep, I'll be here when you wake…" his voice was gentle as he spoke, but there was a note of hesitancy there to. "That is," he swallowed before continuing, "If that's what you want…"

Rolling onto his back Heero slowly shook his head, mind feeling half-adrift in his exhausted body, though he did not yet want to rest. "It's not that…" he told Ash softly, yes his body needed sleep, but that was not what drained him so completely. He was tired of this life he had chosen, of the lives he had hurt, and the lies he hid behind, Heero just wanted it to end.

Silence hovered between them, fragile, and yet indestructible, at least for Heero wasn't he already saying more than he would have at any other time? Nevertheless he almost felt an urge to speak, but it would not happen without Ash speaking first. "You miss them don't you?" the very man asked finally, head down eyes averted.

"Yes…" that shocked Heero, as the solitary word slipped from his tired mouth. He missed being around people who understood him, who he could trust to watch his back, who he had lived through some of the most difficult times with, but most of all he missed being around the first people he had ever dared to call friend.

"The others…they're Relena's bodyguards, aren't they?" the words were spoken barely above a whisper, but Heero heard them loud and clear, and his head snapped to the side to glare daggers at Ash.

"Did you get that from my memories too?!" he demanded, a surprising amount of heat in his voice.

Ash's face fell, obviously instantly regretting having spoken those words, but he did not get up and leave, as Heero had expected him too. Instead he remained and spoke again, "No…they have the same look in their eyes…"

That caught Heero off guard, as he wondered when Ash might have had occasion to speak with them, but he was not about to question him on that. Heero was not really interested in finding out just how he knew, it was all a huge opened wound for him, and one he felt more acutely now than usual, what he wouldn't have given for a drink right then. "It must be difficult…" Ash continued finally breaking the silence again, "Being away from the only people who understood you."

Heero sighed letting his tired eyes fall closed, "It was my choice…" in his mind Heero hear the shot fired, and watched Relena fall, her precious blood staining the floor red. He jerked mutely with the memory, knowing and reminding himself, as he always did, that that had been his choice, no one had forced him. He distanced himself of his own free will, for the good of the peace…after three years the last was becoming hard to believe. "I don't blame them," he continued barely seeming to have the strength to push the words out.

How could he? When he had done everything in his power to make them believe this lie, when he had thrown away their friendship as if had meant nothing to him over all those years. As if he had not respected them for the brave warriors they were, for the men he had almost found himself thinking of as brothers. He could find no blame with them, for their reactions or their anger, if they had thought of him in just half the way he still looked at them, than they had every possible right to hate and despise him, to want his death.

"You only did what you had too…" Heero opened his unfocused eyes and looked to Ash, willing them to clear for just a moment more. As he did not blame the pilots so too did he not blame Ash, as angered as he was at the violation of his memories, he could not make himself deny how he had come to almost rely on Ash's presence in the absence of the others. It was something he almost found himself scared to loose, to once more be alone constantly trying to watch his own back. At least when Ash was there he felt safer more relaxed, like he had with the others.

The look on Ash's face at those few words, stunned Heero he had not expected them to mean so much to the other man. But they clearly had, Ash offered him a smile, a warm understanding smile, and it was with that image fixed firmly in his mind that Heero once more gave himself over to sleep.

Thanks for Reading!

For Reason Untold:

Ash stepped fully into the spacious apartment and closed the door behind him, the light from the colony fading towards dusk flittered in through half opened windows giving the room an almost greyish look. "Heero?" he called his voice almost seeming to echo off the empty walls. There was no response from the apartment.

Once again the worry returned as Ash moved deeper hazel eyes searching for his friend, there was no sign of him in the pristine near empty living room, nor the kitchen, Ash merely glanced in as he passed. "Heero?" he called again now unable to keep some of the worry from his voice as he made his way down the hall towards Heero's room. On impulse Ash reached for the door to Heero's spare room, the one he kept empty to practice his martial arts. The door to that room was slightly ajar, and as he took a breath he nearly gagged, the smell of vomit was thick in the air.

With his heart racing Ash threw opened the door eyes scanning the near pitch black room, Ash's hand searched near frantically for the light switch. His fingers found it quickly and he flicked it up showering the room in bright light. Blinking away the sudden change Ash's eyes fell upon a sight that nearly stopped his heart.

Morganeth Taren'drel