Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Mistaken Words ❯ For Reasons Untold ( Chapter 18 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Mistaken Words

AN:Here we are again with another chapter.

Thank you to Pious Knight! And morgansgirl! ^_^ you're the greatest!!!!

ANNOUNCEMENT!!: My friend neekabe had a great idea involving this story, as some of you know she's been writing side fics to this story, and up until now they haven't really been crucial to the plot. However that's all about to change now. She has a side story up called Death of Dreams, which you can find at her profile on Fanfiction.net http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1798516/1/ I highly suggest reading it ^_^ she's an excellent author….besides if you don't ^_^ you'll be as confused as poor Ash ^_^ I hope you all enjoy!

Disclaimer: I'll never own Gundam Wing….well I own the DVDs ^_~ does that count?…..no?…..*sad*

For Reasons Untold

Ash stepped into the ever-silent apartment complex, amazed that no matter how many times he came in here, there was absolutely no hustle an bustle that he would have expected. It seemed to him that Heero had chosen his home carefully, picking a building with little to no youth, allowing him the peace and quiet that he would otherwise find impossible in other situations. Ash didn't think Heero had a problem with younger people, he just doubted that the Japanese man would have an easy time socialising with them. Heero definitely preferred an area where he could live his life without the questions and curiosities of the men and women around him.

It amazed Ash that Heero had managed to leave the hospital under his own power just ten days after waking. This was almost entirely the result of Heero's impossibly stubborn nature, Ash had only been there to make sure Heero didn't kill himself. He was glad his friend was finally back on his feet, but he could still feel that gap between them. It was because of that Ash didn't follow Heero home when he finally left. He let the Japanese man have his space, telling himself that he would go over to Heero's apartment soon to make sure everything was alright.

Dante had informed him of the money given to Heero in case he wanted to find himself a new place, away from them. Internally Ash hoped Heero wouldn't result to that, he knew it was selfish for him to want the former pilot to stay here, where there couldn't possible be good memories. But he did want him to stay, he wanted to be there for Heero, if Heero ever needed it, not that he thought he deserved to be there for the Japanese man. Only he knew Heero would never let anyone else near, and after that little talk they had had, Ash knew he at least needed to have someone, no matter how unworthy.

Stepping off the elevator Ash walked out into the silent hall, noting the pristine carpets and pleasant pictures which lined the walls at intervals. This was not the most inexpensive apartment complex on the colony, yet because of that it had great apartments and each tenant was assured to have their privacy and the utmost service. Ash doubted seriously that it was the service which had drawn Heero. Striding down the open and well lit corridor, Ash quickly came to Heero's apartment, and he stopped, for a moment unable to go any further.

It had been one day since he had last seen Heero, before that he had spent more time with the Japanese man than he had since the incident with the VR. Despite his reservations over the condition of their friendship, Ash had enjoyed being able to work with Heero as though nothing had happened, and so long as Heero was willing to treat it so, Ash knew he could manage it as well. It all still chewed him up inside, but he was somehow able to put it aside—so it only whispered at him—when he had been working with Heero.

Drawing a slow breath, Ash glanced down at the floor, gathering his nerve even as his right fist rose to rap on the smooth wood of the door. The sound echoed hollowly through the empty hall, and Ash waited patiently for some form of response. When none came, he raised his fist to knock again, this time harder than before, finding it hard to believe that Heero might have missed the sound. Still there was no response from beyond the door. It was in these seconds that Ash felt the first sparks of worry ignite within him. He was not usually a worst case scenario person, but where Heero was concerned, he almost couldn't help being.

He tested the knob, not at all surprised to find it locked, but his left hand was already moving to his pocket fishing around for the key that waited there. Ash had taken Heero's spare key at one point in time, it had been just another way he had inserted himself into Heero life, without the former pilot even seeming to care. Slipping the silver key into the lock, Ash pushed open the door, afraid of what he'd find. Glancing around the darkened entryway Ash found himself breathing a sigh of relieve, when he saw Heero's shoes neatly placed near the door.

~He hasn't left…~

Ash stepped fully into the spacious apartment and closed the door behind him, the light from the colony fading towards dusk flittered in through half opened windows giving the room an almost greyish look. "Heero?" he called his voice almost seeming to echo off the empty walls. There was no response from the apartment.

Once again the worry returned as Ash moved deeper, hazel eyes searching for his friend, there was no sign of him in the pristine near empty living room, nor the kitchen, Ash merely glanced in as he passed. "Heero?" he called again now unable to keep some of the worry from his voice as he made his way down the hall towards Heero's room. On impulse, Ash reached for the door to Heero's spare room, the one he kept nearly empty to practice his martial arts. The door to that room was slightly ajar, and as he took a breath he nearly gagged, the smell of vomit was thick in the air.

With his heart racing, Ash threw opened the door, eyes scanning the near pitch black room, Ash's hand searched near frantically for the light switch. His fingers found it quickly and he flicked it up showering the room in bright light. Blinking away the sudden change Ash's eyes fell upon a sight that nearly stopped his heart.

Rushing forward Ash avoided the pool of vomit closer to the door, and fell to his knees at Heero's side, two fingers pressing desperately at the Japanese man's neck, searching for the pulse he prayed would still be there. Holding his breath, Ash did not allow himself to sigh with relief when he finally found the faintly beating erratic pulse. Leaning forward he brought his ear near to Heero's mouth listening to his shallow breaths. The Japanese man's skin was pale and clammy to the touch, all signs pointing to alcohol poisoning. The empty bottle of rye lying near the door—something Ash had missed on first entering—only confirmed his fears.

Shifting Heero to a safer position in case he threw up again Ash reached for his cell phone, dialling 911. He heard a young man answer and he was aware of himself giving the needed information, his friend had poisoned himself with alcohol, no he wasn't conscious, yes the pulse was very faint, yes he was still breathing, yes he had thrown up. The question seemed near endless, and all the while Ash just wanted to scream `Just send the damn ambulance!' but he was in too much shock to do anything other than answer the questions and keep two fingers pressed to Heero's neck assuring himself that he was still alive.

Ash raked a hand through his hair eyes scanning up and down Heero's unconscious form, "Why did you do this?" he asked quietly.

Then started an eternity for Ash as seconds passed by like life times, and each one he feared might bring his friend's death. Not for an instant did he leave Heero's side, he was always close, monitoring him, though he knew there wasn't much he could do if things were to take a sudden turn for the worst. He prayed silently that wouldn't happen, that the ambulance would be here soon, that they would save his friend. Ash felt Heero's pulse weaken under his fingers, and he quickly leaned in close reassuring himself that the former pilot yet breathed.

"Hang in there Heero," he whispered, willing the Japanese man to keep up the fight, to prove how stubborn he was. Ash glanced back behind him at the door wishing it was not the empty hall he was seeing but men rushing in to help, he was suddenly glad he had not locked the door behind him on entering. His worry filled eyes turned back to Heero, as he glanced down at this watch counting the beats of his pulse; they were disturbingly few.

Ash was growing more frantic with each passing second, he wanted to run outside and see what was taking them, but he remained planted next to Heero's side. In the dead silence of the apartment all Ash could hear was the racing beat of his own heart such a shocking contrast to Heero's, which barely seemed to be going at all. A few times Ash almost thought he lost it, and he gasped, hazel eyes filling with tears, only seconds later to find it again. He didn't know if the feeling in his fingers was just failing him after being pressed to Heero's neck for so long, or whether the Japanese man was slowly losing the fight, giving in before it was over.

Finally from out in the main hall Ash heard a growing commotion, and he released a breath he had not been aware he was holding. As he did, Ash had to suck in a quick gasp of air realising how much his lungs were burning, a tiny portion of his brain wondered how long he had been holding it. Yet the vast majority of his mind was entirely focused on the help that had arrived, the men who would save his friend's life. They rushed into the room suddenly, and he heard them call out to him, could almost formulate what the words meant, but couldn't quite understand. He remained at Heero's side, keeping track of his pulse unable to move away.

He watched them come closer, they seemed to be carrying so much stuff between them, yet again one of them spoke, but still it seemed not to reach him. Ash made to turn his attention back to the one who needed it the most, when one of the paramedics took hold of his shoulders, drawing him away. Ash made to struggle not wanting to lose contact with Heero, afraid his friend would die because of it. But the medic was easily able to move him aside, and this time a few of his words made it through, "…It's alright…"

Ash tried to look around the man, to see what the other was doing with Heero, but the medic took hold of his head flashing a bright light into Ash's eyes. Wincing he pulled away not fully comprehending why that was done, however whatever the medic had been concerned about he was willing to leave alone, as he moved away to assist his partner. They moved about Heero quickly turning him over and checking his vitals, all that Ash could understand just from watching, what they said to one another as they worked still seemed to escape him. There was a high pitched buzzing in his ears seeming to separate him for the world in which he stood.

It did not take the men long to get Heero on the gurney, all strapped in and hooked up to monitors. He was so small upon the stretcher, face frighteningly pale as they made to wheel him from the room. Ash was on his feet in an instant following along beside Heero's unconscious form, not will for a second to let his friend out of his sight, the men seemed not to question this but moved quickly through the halls back to the elevator. Ash's subconscious noted the heads, and full bodies of men and women curious about the commotion who thought to look out and see. As they stood in the elevator waiting to reach the main floor Ash was vaguely aware of a hand on his shoulder, he guessed it was supposed to be reassuring but watching the laboured rise and fall of Heero's thin chest there was little that could reassure him.

The trek from that point on to the ambulance was a blur to Ash, he found himself standing outside of it, and quickly climbed in behind the paramedics and Heero. Once inside the vehicle lurched forward, and Ash watched as the medics set to work once more. Their movements were steady and calm, and seeing that helped to settled Ash's nerves a little, knowing that Heero was in the best hands possible. He could hear the scream of the sirens as the ambulance raced through the colony's streets, taking the fastest possible route to the hospital.

From outside of the fog that surrounded Ash, a new and frightening sound slowly filtered through. It was akin to the sirens, only there was no pause in its cries. Ash searched about frantically with a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, it did not take him long to find the source of the new sounds. The small monitor that had been displaying Heero's weak heart beat, was flat, there was no blip in the line.

~He's flat lined…~ Ash realised with horror. The medics picked up the pace, not allowing themselves to panic over this as they worked to bring the Japanese man back. Ash shuddered as Heero's small form jerked, as they tried to shock his heart back to life, but it didn't seem to work. Again and again Heero's body jumped on the gurney, syringes came and went but nothing seemed to change. Ash's hands were locked so tightly upon the bench that they began to burn, and he noted the paramedics were becoming more desperate as time passed.

~Come on! You can't give in yet!~ "Fight!" Ash didn't realise the last of that actually slipped from his mouth in a desperate shout. But somehow it seemed to reach Heero, as the paramedics' efforts were finally rewarded. His heart was beating yet again, weakly but steady nonetheless. Ash breathed a small sigh of relief even though he knew they were not out of the woods yet. Now with Heero relatively stable one of the paramedics turned to Ash, he asked a question but Ash's attention was altogether focused on Heero, his features taking on a ghastly ashen pallor.

Feeling someone shake his shoulder, Ash slowly turned his head to focus his vision on the man beside him. "Sir…" the medic's voice finally penetrated the fog, "Does your friend have any medical problem we should know about?" It took Ash an incredible amount of time to process that question, and finally he shook his head, there was nothing that he was aware of, and he was pretty sure by now if there was something it probably would have come up. "We're almost there," the other man assured resting a hand on Ash's shoulder before turning back to Heero and his partner.

Yet it wasn't until the ambulance came to a stop at the hospital that Ash actually released the bench, his fingers aching from the grip he had held for so long. He was the first out, and he watched with tunnel vision as Heero was brought out of the vehicle. Nothing around him registered but his friends small form and the barely perceivable rise and fall of his chest. Once on the group the paramedics set off at a jog towards the double sliding doors, without thought Ash was right with them running along side the gurney.

The doors pulled open as they approached and instantly they were met with a number of people, doctors and nurses alike. Ash could hear the words being spoken, as information was passed, but he didn't bother to process it, just watched his friend. Fixing Heero's face in his mind, trying to see beyond the sunken eyes and pale flesh to the man that lay unconscious behind ~Why'd you do it?~ he wondered again.

Ash was pulled to a halt suddenly by a female nurse as Heero was wheeled further into the hospital through another set of double doors. He made to push past her, feeling panic set in that he could not longer see the Japanese man; that he would not know if he lived or died. But he was halted again, a second set of hands grabbing hold of him and pulling him away, he found himself quite suddenly sitting in a chair. One of the paramedics re-emerge then and spoke with the nurse who stopped him, they were looking in his direction, but he only caught one word, "…Shock…"

No longer interested in what was happening Ash shut himself away from the world, for him time had no meaning as he sat in that waiting room, elbows on knees and head in hands. He felt greatly to blame for what had happened, had he only been there for Heero he would have been able to help him, to stop him from going to far. Vaguely Ash was aware of someone dropping a blanket over his shoulders, and he was rather surprised at the difference it made, before he had not even noticed his entire body was trembling. Some one attempted to offer him a drink but he paid them no mind, his guilt-ridden thought focused too internally to care about the outside world.

~I should have been there for him…this wouldn't have happened…~ he knew there was no way to say that for sure, but he couldn't stop blaming himself. Ash felt completely lost and displaced from the world he had thought he knew, Heero had never drank outside of a bar, and almost never without Ash there. Ash had learned to read the small signs, the little hints that signalled Heero was going to need a drink soon, and they had never come about that often. He wished he had been able to find a connection in the outside world that led Heero to these ends, but he had never been able to.

This incident stood outside of them all. There had been no warning to lead Ash to believe this would happen, he didn't even know Heero kept a bottle of rye in his apartment. What could have led him to this? To affect him so suddenly, and so hard, that he did not fear or care for his life? Ash could think of nothing that would fit, despite the conversation he had had with Heero that day at the hospital. Though it had shown him a side of Heero—deeper than he had ever seen before—it had not given him enough insight to say decisively that Heero had enough acceptance of the last three years not to try and take his life in this way. Ash had just always thought he was stronger than that.

Once again Ash found a cup of hot coffee placed under his nose, and he pulled his head back in irritation just wanting people to leave him alone. "Come on Ash you need to drink something," a familiar voice chided softly.

Blinking in surprise Ash looked up raising his head just enough to see it was Dante who spoke to him. His friend sat in the seat beside him, face lined with worry as he held the cup towards his friend, "How'd you get here?" he asked suddenly almost completely coming out of the haze that had surrounded him for he knew not how long.

"One of the nurses called me, when they realised there was no getting through to you," he told Ash was his gentle smile. "Here drink this, it'll help warm you up," he pressed the steaming cup into Ash's hands, not letting go until Ash had taken it for himself.

Slowly Ash brought his trembling hands to his lips, and took a small sip of the hot liquid letting it trail down his throat, and give heat back to his body, which seemed to be so lacking in it. For a time they sat there in silence, the commotion of the hospital a distant hum that did not seem to be able to penetrate the quiet that surrounded them. Ash continued to sip at the coffee, feeling it slowly awaken his sense that had been left for dead the moment he walked into Heero's spare room. The vision of the Japanese man lying there pale and unconscious clouded his sight and he shuddered.

"What happened, Ash?" Dante inquired gently.

But Ash could only shake his head, "I don't know…" he whispered finally, "He was just lying there…an empty bottle of rye…why would he try to kill himself?" he continued to shake his head.

Ash realised he wasn't being very clear, but his thoughts were not really running in a single line at the moment. To Dante's credit he did not press, despite how much he must have been wanting to know exactly what had gone on. Not that Ash could tell him much beyond what he had witnessed, but even that would be something more than he knew now. Dante rested a comforting hand on Ash's shoulder, "Just tell me what you know," he requested softly then added, "Take your time."

Drinking a little more Ash attempted to herd his thoughts down one cohesive path, "I went to check on Heero…" he began slowly stating something he knew Dante was already aware of, but couldn't seem to help starting there. "He didn't answer the door, I found him unconscious in his spare room…he must have drank the entire bottle of rye…"

"Do you have any idea why he'd do that?" Dante's voice didn't sound too hopeful for an answer.

Ash shook his head, "He seemed depressed at the hospital…but leaving seemed to take care of that." He stared at his hands, "I don't understand, he's never done this since that first time…he knows his limits…"

"Perhaps his body just wasn't strong enough to take it right now…" the Free Born leader offered attempting to comfort.

Silence fell between them, as each gave their minds over to their own thoughts on the matter, Ash had a feeling neither of them would ever truly discover why this happened, he just prayed Heero might live long enough to tell them. But even if he did live, Ash highly doubted he share his hidden torment.

"Excuse me," a soft feminine voice broke through both their thoughts, and Ash looked up seeing one of the doctors that had taken Heero away. He assessed her at a glance, and was not altogether pleased with what he saw. She like all doctors had learned to school her features into neutrality, so as not to accidentally give someone false hope, or throw a person into shock before she was given a chance to lay out all the details. "Are you the gentleman who came in with the Alcohol Poisoning patient?" she directed the question at Ash.

"His name is Heero," he returned his voice harsher than he had intended, but he couldn't stand hearing Heero be referred to by anything other than his name. In Ash's tired mind that was just one step closer to making him a number, and Heero was anything but someone who could be lost to statistics.

"I'm sorry," the doctor quickly placated, "My name is Dr Shan, your friend is alive, we were able to remove the alcohol from his stomach and neutralise some of what had already made it into his blood stream." She leapt right into a medical update much to Ash's relief, he almost stopped listening once he heard Heero was alive, but there was something in her tone that told him there was more to come, something that couldn't be good judging by his first assessment of her face.

She pulled a chair up before theirs and took a seat, "Heero was not in the best of shape when he did this, and we nearly lost him for a second time. I'm afraid he's slipped into a coma," she took a breath looking them both in the eyes, "There's really no way to say when he'll wake." Dr Shan opened the folder that she had been holding looking over its contents, "Now there are a few questions I'd like to ask you, if that's alright…"

"Go ahead," Dante answered for Ash, knowing his friend's mind was still not yet fully up to speed.

"How long has your friend been on this self destructive path?" her pale green eyes locked onto each of them in turn, very serious with a light of medical concern glowing in the back of them.

"What?"

"I beg your pardon?" Dante and Ash both said at once, rather shocked by her blunt question.

"Am I to take it you didn't know?" she looked more than a little surprised by this, "Heero's about ten pounds underweight, with track marks on the insides of his arms. When I consider that with what happened today, it doesn't take much to draw conclusion…"

"I'm afraid your conclusion, though I suppose reasonable, doesn't have all the facts," Dante quickly put in, much to Ash's relief; he was far too stunned to find his voice. "Recently Heero was hospitalised due to an illness, I'm sure that would explain the weight loss and track marks."

Dr Shan looked back through her thin file, "I wasn't aware of any illness, in fact Heero's file is rather sparse, no medical checks, no inoculations…he's basically a blank slate."

"Heero prefers it that way," Ash spoke up finally rubbing at his temples, "He's a very private person."

"I see…" the doctor breathed not sounding at all convinced, "Has an instance like this happened before?"

Dante looked to Ash for that one, "Yeah…about five times including now…" Ash spoke up softly, finding that number hard to believe, sure it had been over three years but still, five times and he had not once been able to determine what drove him. "Only one other time did he ever have to be hospitalised, and it wasn't that severe," he added, not wanting the doctor to think Heero continually tried to drink himself to death.

She made a note in her folder, "How old is Heero?" she asked suddenly seeming to switch gears.

"Around nineteen," Dante supplied, "We've never really asked him before."

It was true Ash realised Heero's age had never been a real issue, sure it had the first time he had walked into a bar, but a single look had seemed to set all questions aside. Ash dropped his head back into his hands, wishing he were anywhere but here; that this was all some horrific nightmare he could just wake up from. But Dr Shan started speaking again, removing all hope of such waking, "This is a dangerous habit for Heero to form, does he understand the risks to his health, considering events I'd have to say he doesn't." She studied them carefully, Ash watched face blank from the edges of his eyes, "Or he does…and just gave up caring."

"Heero wasn't trying to commit suicide, if that's what you're implying," Dante asserted though Ash thought it was a little too early to be saying that with any sort of finality. He did not want to think Heero had tried to take his life, but considering how he had been in the hospital, it didn't seem all that impossible either. Though he had absolutely no idea what had finally lead Heero to this end, that was something he intended to ask when the Japanese man woke. "As I said before, Heero's been sick, and obviously his body couldn't take the alcohol like it normally can," Dante finished one hand moving to rest once again on Ash's shoulder.

"Heero has a very fast metabolism," Ash put in after a moment's thought thinking that would also help to relieve the doctor's fears.

"That would explain why the amount of alcohol he ingested didn't kill him right off," Dr Shan mused aloud making several more notes in her folder. "Now about this illness that you mentioned before…" she looked to Dante, "What exactly was it?"

"Is that really crucial for helping Heero now?" Ash inquired hoping to put the woman off the trail she seemed determined to follow, it was not like they could truthfully answer, and expect to be understood.

She looked at him calmly adjusting her thin framed glasses, Ash blinked, he hadn't even been aware that she was wearing any. He rubbed at the side of his head, telling himself he'd have to start paying attention or he might make a slip they wouldn't be able to back out of. "I'm merely trying to establish some patient history, this is all standard information," Ash stopped himself before he said `Heero's not exactly a standard patient.'

"I'm really not all that sure what was wrong with him," Dante continued, "I'm no doctor."

"Then who was the doctor to treat him? It'll be just as easy to speak to him," she reasoned, green eyes flickering between the both of them, as if she was expecting some odd reaction.

They gave no reaction of course, at least not on the outside. On the inside Ash's mind was racing searching for a way to avoid this, Dr Stevens was not up to speed on what to say, and what was best left private. Yet denying her access would only make matters seem more suspicious. Suddenly Ash spoke the words flying from his lips before he could fully considered them, but instantly he knew they worked. "What's the point in all this?" he demanded breaking the silence, "When we all know in about a weeks time, all this information will be gone again?" he prayed it would only take a week to get Heero back up on his feet.

Dr Shan studied him intently, eyes probing and searching obviously not about to give up on this. But he had a sinking feeling she was trying to find another way to trap them, a way that they had no choice but to answer. She was a curious woman to say the least, however Ash couldn't blame her, standing in her shoes, he'd want to know everything he could about Heero, especially when it looked so suspicious. Hell, he, standing in his own shoes, wanted to know everything he could about Heero, but he, unlike Dr Shan, knew that just wasn't an option.

"Well in that case, perhaps you wouldn't mind explaining the calluses on Heero's wrist and ankles…" an eyebrow was calmly raised at that, as she tapped her pen against the folder, "They seemed to me to have been made from shackles of some type…but I'm no expert there…"

~Shit!~ Ash thought in the safety of his mind, outside he gave no visible reaction, much like Dante, neither seemed surprised nor cornered by the fact that she had noticed this. Dante without batting an eye answered, waiting a precise amount of time so as not to make her think he was scrambling for an answer. "When Heero was hospitalised he was delirious, his extensive training during the war has honed his reflexes to the point where even in that state he was defending himself. If he perceived a threat he removed it, and it began to become a danger to himself as well as the staff," simple enough and mostly true, Ash liked the way Dante's mind worked.

"Am I to understand, that he is a threat to my people?" she inquired while furiously writing in the folder.

"Not if you give him the space he needs, and don't approach him when he's only half awake, without first getting his attention." Ash told her all this while straitening in his chair, he winced as his back protested the move, he had been hunched over for too long. "He won't intentionally hurt someone…" even as the words left his mouth Ash wondered at their truth. Heero had after all shot Relena in cold blood, and there had obviously been intention there, even if no one could figure out what exactly that was.

Dr Shan slowly lifted her glasses and rubbed at one eye as she seemed to consider all that they had said. "Well, all things considered, I think it's best that Heero speak to a psychologist once he wakes. The hospital already has made contact with a very good doctor, one who's worked with many of our patients here…" Both Ash and Dante were shaking their heads before she had even finished, but it was Dante who spoke.

"You can cancel the appointment, Heero won't speak to any psychologist."

"I understand there's a lot that I don't understand about this young man," Dr Shan began with incredible calm, "And for reason unknown there's a lot you're not telling me. But it doesn't take much to see that this boy has been through some trauma in his life, and it's leading him down a dangerous path. As a doctor, I can't just sit by and pretend Heero doesn't need help."

"Heero won't speak to anyone," Ash stressed, in his mind trying to imagine Heero telling his innermost thoughts to a complete stranger, and it almost had him roaring with laughter…almost.

"The sessions are totally private, he shouldn't be concerned about speaking to someone who would be able to help him," she reasoned applying a common patient problem to Heero, something that didn't quite fit with Heero.

"I told you Heero's a private person, he doesn't share anything with anyone, he never has," that wasn't entirely true now, considering the conversation they had had ten days back. Yet Ash was fairly sure that had been the drugs and exhaustion talking more than Heero, despite that he felt honoured to have been a part of that moment.

Dr Shan seemed ready to argue her point further, but Dante gently cut in, "Would we be able to see him now?" that polite request perked Ash up immediately.

"I…" she glanced back behind her, in her green eyes Ash could see she did not want to leave matters were they now stood. However what Dante had asked was seemingly something she couldn't refuse, "Yes, please come this way," she answered finally standing and moving her chair back against the wall.

Ash came to his feet instantly, and regretted it right away, his knees, having been bent for he knew not how long, seemed to groan in protest of his sudden straightening. As his circulation returned to normal Ash took a tentative step forward, wincing as he stretched the cramped muscles. Dante walked alongside him as they followed Dr Shan back deeper into the hospital, to a place Ash found all too familiar. This was not the same hospital Heero had only recently left from but he found ICU wings of hospitals all basically looked the same.

Doctors and nurses rushed about in a sort of controlled chaos, all seeming to be waiting on the very balls of their feet in case one of the blue lights above the rows of doors should light. Nobody wanted a code blue on their shift, but everyone was ready in case it did. As they made there way deeper into the unit, one of those very lights lit, and a warning siren went off. Ash's entire body jumped as the air about him changed, a life had just slipped away, but these men and women were not about to give up without a fight.

With terror-filled eyes Ash opened his mouth to demand to know which room was Heero's, but Dr Shan had already been watching him carefully. "That's not Heero's room," she assured, her words almost causing Ash's legs to give out on him.

Dante's hand was a welcomed support as the finally came to their destination, eyes looking in through a glass window on Heero's small form. Ash reached out to grip the small ledge eyes unable to leave his friends face. Relief washed over him in waves as he watched the rise and fall of Heero's chest, telling himself over and over again, that Heero would pull through this, he'd been through worse. After some time Ash noticed Dante had moved away with Dr Shan, he was only vaguely aware of the conversation they were having, his mind still very much focused on Heero. But some of what they said did float back to his ears.

"…He needs rest," Dr Shan said gently.

"I'll take care of him," Dante assured, Ash had a feeling it was him they were talking about, and he felt a spark of irritation ignite within him. Nevertheless he remained silently watching Heero listening to what of their words he could catch with the buzz and commotion that surrounded them.

Dr Shan's voice seemed to have taken on an almost pleading note, "…there's nothing more you can say?"

"…Ask him…" most of what Dante said was lost, but Ash had a feeling that portion of the conversation was concerning Heero.

Ash looked at his friend's face, willing those cobalt eyes to open, his ever present feelings of guilt were—for the moment—outweighed by his need to understand. He wanted to be there when Heero woke, to lend him support and hopefully discover what it was that had pushed him to the limit. Through the years Ash had known the Japanese man, he had seemed a rock, one cracked and worn, but not something so easily shattered. He could not begin to comprehend what it had taken to leave Heero this one road out.

He jumped slightly when he felt a hand grip his shoulder, drawing him out of his deep thoughts. Glancing over he saw Dante's concerned blue eyes watching him, but he quickly looked away returning his vision back to Heero. "Come on Ash…we have to go now," the din of the surrounding hall seemed to fade for Ash, as he continued to watch a part of him mind still in shock from all that happened.

"I'd rather stay…" he whispered, hands gripping the ledge just a little harder.

"Ash Dr Shan assures me she'll call the minute he wakes," Dante told him in a quite voice trying to draw Ash away from the room.

But Ash remained firmly planted, "I want to know why he did this," he breathed feeling an unreasoning frustration fill him, boiling up from the depths of his being. "I want answers!" before he knew it his voice had reached a near shout, though the words were hardly noticed in the noises hallway.

"And you'll get them," Dante soothed though Ash knew damn well there was no way to say for sure. "But it won't happen if you just stand here, you need to rest some first," Ash was shocked when he found himself chuckling dryly at that statement, and it took his stunned mind a few minutes to realise why. Dante's statement sounded so much like the commonly held belief `a watched pot never boils' that his tired mind couldn't help but see the odd humour in it. He didn't miss the worried look Dante directed at him as he was slowly lead away, but he didn't care, the adrenaline was finally warring off, and he was feeling incredibly drained because of it.

As they came to the end of the ICU Ash threw one last look over his shoulder, reassuring himself that the blue light above Heero's door yet remained unlit. He prayed that if he kept that image firmly in his mind, it would remain so until he could come back.

Thanks for Reading!

Fading into Memory:

He felt the hand on his shoulder give a little squeeze, "I don't like the idea any more than you do--" he began but Ash would hear no more of it.

"It doesn't make sense!" he exploded coming to his feet, and rushed to Heero's bedroom throwing the closet doors wide opened. "Why are all his cloths still here?" Ash stopped at the spare room, "And his laptop?" He moved back to the living room, becoming more agitated by the second, "The coffee tables out of place, and look at this wall" he pointed to the indentation, "And these!" Ash held the pictures to Dante's face; "He didn't just leave!"

Dante seemed stunned for a moment his pale eyes looking where Ash had directed then back to the man, "You think he was taken? Who would do such a thing?"

Ash seemed to draw in a breath, "I don't know!!" He shouted voicing all his frustration over everything, all the unanswered questions, all the mysteries and half-truth, over everything he had ever wanted to know about his quiet Japanese friend. "Damnit!! This is my fault!!" Ash continued to fume pacing about the living room.

Morganeth Taren'drel