Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ notice ❯ Reacting ( Chapter 5 )

Title: Reacting

Overall Rating: NC-17 for mature themes. Not for the impressionable.

Chapter Rating: R [A/N: I had a hard time deciding between a PG-13 rating and an R. I went with the R to be on the safe side, since there is nothing in between.]

DISCLAIMER: The series Gundam Wing and the characters therein do not belong to me. I'm just putting them in different situations to see how they react.

Chapter Summary: Heero's reactions to Duo's revelations.

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I listened to his story with a variety of emotions, all of which I was careful to keep concealed. I had been incredulous, angry, even disgusted by what I'd heard. How could he have allowed such a thing to happen? I had thought he was better than that. Why didn't he just walk away? He could have at any time and he knew it!

I had been so worried about him. I'd thought he'd been abused or even raped. Not hardly. I did have to agree with him on one point, he most definitely was a slut. No doubt about it.

"I feel so dirty, Heero. I just want to be clean again."

That brought my thoughts to a screeching halt. The disdain I felt for him shattered. It wasn't just the words, but the emotions within them. I'd never heard such agony. Duo sound so lost, so…broken.

None of the five of us had crystal clean pasts. We had all done things that we weren't proud of. Who was I to sit in judgment? I remembered all the times that Duo had listened to me. He'd never shown any sign of blaming me for the horrible things I'd done. There had only been encouragement and acceptance. I'd suspected that he'd done the same for the others, also. That fact had slipped out in conversation a time or two. Never from Duo, though. For all his joking and teasing, he was very good at keeping our confidences to himself.

Through most of the war, the five of us had worked together as a team. We'd watched each other's backs, stood up for each other. We each did our part. I was the strength, Trowa was the stability, Wufei the conscience, and Quatre the heart. But it was Duo that was the life-force…the soul that kept us all together. In a way, we all leaned on him…and he had supported us without complaint. Now he was the one that needed the support. Quatre had said I was the one that he was closest to. And I was failing him…miserably.

"Duo, why didn't you say something? Why did you let it eat at you like that? Why didn't you talk to one of us?"

He shrank even further into himself. It didn't seem possible, but he did. "I couldn't."

I pulled him into a tighter embrace in an attempt to comfort and encourage him. "Duo, you never have to be afraid to come to one of us. We care about you. Any of us would have listened if you needed us."

Suddenly, he'd pulled away and jumped to his feet.

"Right. I can just see the reactions if I'd told any of you my sordid little tale." He started pacing. "Quatre would have pitied me, then tried to get me 'help'. Wufei would have just simply run me through with that katana of his. Trowa would have listened, true. But he would never have looked at me the same again. Even in your eyes I'm worthless now. I can tell." He stopped pacing and slumped against the wall. "But then, why should I 'expect' any of you to like me? Hell, I don't even like me."

He words were like a knife, twisting and tearing at my gut. He was right. I had been judging him. But he was wrong, also. He wasn't 'worthless' in my eyes. Far from it. I looked at his miserable form, huddled against the wall, shaking slightly with silent sobs.

He seemed to think that we would hate him for what he'd allowed to be happen. That we would deem him worthless. I couldn't speak for the others, not really. But I didn't hate him, and I sure didn't see him as worthless. Right now, he thought of himself that way. I was going to change that…show him just how "worthy" he was. I wasn't exactly sure just how I was going to accomplish this feat, but I was going to give it my best effort.

I stood, went over to him and pulled him to his feet. Gently, I brushed the tears from his cheeks. I have to admit you were right about one thing. We don't like you." I placed my hands on either side of his face, forcing him to look into my eyes. "Duo, we love you. Quatre, Trowa, Wufei, me, we all love you and care about you. None of us want to see you hurting. It hurts us, too, seeing you like this. You aren't 'worthless', you're wonderful, beautiful both inside and out."

I tilted his head and placed a small kiss on his forehead. Then I scooped him up into my arms, causing him to yelp in surprise.

"Heero, what are you doing?!" he asked as I carried him down the hall. "I can walk you know."

I smirked at him. "I know, but you're exhausted, both from all the dancing you did tonight as well as the emotional upheaval afterwards. I nudged the bathroom light on with my shoulder then gently sat him on the toilet. "You said that you wanted to be clean, so…"

"That wasn't exactly what I meant."

I turned the water in the bathtub on to start heating, then turned back to him. "I know," I sat on my heels and looked up at him, "and that is going to take time. We are going to work through this. But for now," I stood and rummaged through the closet, "we are going to start by getting you feeling better physically."

I knew it was in there somewhere, I just had to remember where I'd stuck it. For my birthday last year, Quatre had given me an aroma therapy kit. I think it was actually meant as a joke, but it would come in handy right now.

"We?" I was gratified to hear the hope in that single word.

There it was! I grabbed the box from under the towels that had hidden it and turned back to Duo. "Yes, we. We're partners, a team. You've helped me through some very tough times. Now it's my turn to help you."

"I- I don't know what to say."

"Then don't say anything. Just relax and let me do this for you."

I reached over and closed the drain on the tub. I opened the bottle I'd removed from the "kit", cursing slightly at the ever present "safety seal", and poured some of the thick purple fluid into the steaming water. The soothing fragrance of lavender began to fill the air.

Duo snorted as I adjusted the temperature. "Bubble bath?"

"Quatre."

"Figures."

Finally satisfied with the water's temperature, I stood. "I'm going to get you something to wear. You wash up and relax for a bit. When you're ready, come into your room. I'll wait for you there." Duo tensed again as I said that last. Understanding what he must have been thinking, I sat on the edge of the tub. "Duo, I'm not going to hurt you. Nor am I planning on taking advantage of you. I think there's been enough of that in your life already, ne?" He nodded slightly. "I'm just going to set up for what I have in mind. You've always helped me in the past. Let me try to help you now. Trust me, please?"

He wouldn't look at me, but he nodded again.

"Good. Now, into the tub."

I left him to his bath and went into his room. I felt strange rummaging through his drawers as I looked for something for him to put on, like I was invading his privacy or something. I was glad, though, that he wasn't there to see how I blushed as I searched through his underwear. The wide variety was simply amazing. I stared in confusion for a moment at one that seemed made up mostly of strings, then shuddered. I don't think I wanted to know.

Well, not at the moment, anyway. Maybe a bit later….?

Down boy.

I pulled out a plain pair of boxers made of simple cotton and found some sleep pants in a soft flannel. Duo was so thin. I knew that he was frequently cold and I wanted him to be as comfortable as possible.

I knocked on the door before reaching my arm in to place the clothing on the counter by the sink. "Are you doing all right in there?" I inquired.

"Mmm hmm."

I smiled at his response. He sounded like he was beginning to relax already. "Don't go to sleep. I'd hate to have to explain to the guys how you'd drowned in your own bathtub." I was gratified at the chuckle my attempt at a joke received.

"Not much of a chance at that. Thing's too short."

I smiled at the comment. "Enjoy then and I'll see you in a bit."

I looked up a short time later from where I was putting the finishing touches on his room. My breath caught for a moment at the vision that hovered in the doorway. He'd washed his hair while in the tub and now it cascaded in damp strands across his bare chest. The sleep pants were just a touch big on him, for they were hanging low on his hips. That combination of bare chest, bare feet and unbound hair made him the most erotic creature I'd ever seen. Oh, gods.

Down boy!!

"Feeling better?" I asked him.

"A bit."

I motioned him toward the bed. "Have a seat," I said, reaching for his brush.

He did as I'd asked, looking around in wonder. Scattered around were candles, their combined flames casting a soft glow and filling the room with fragrance. A slightly larger one was placed underneath a small pan of water. "What's that?" he asked, indicating the vial warming in the water.

"You'll find out."

I sat behind him and gathered his hair so that it flowed down his back. Reaching out, I placed the brush at the top of his head, intending to remove the knots caused by the washing. I was surprised when his hand stopped me.

"Start at the bottom or you'll never get all the tangles out."

I hadn't thought of that. But then, considering the dramatic difference in the length of my own hair, I wouldn't have.

I did as he asked, and started at the bottom. Slowly, I smoothed out the snarls. It wasn't long before I was running the brush in long sweeps down the full length. It was wonderful, so thick, so soft and silky to run my fingers through.

I was NOT going to take advantage of Duo!! I refused to give in to the desire currently running rampant through my body. Unfortunately, the feel of that glorious hair combined with the small sounds of pleasure coming from Duo's throat were playing havoc with my self-control.

"There, finished." I deliberately reached over and placed the brush on the nightstand. "I don't know how to braid it though."

With a small chuckle, Duo reached up and divided the strands, then began crossing of the three sections in the manner that resulted in that rope he usually sported. I quickly figured out the pattern. It wasn't that difficult after all.

I captured his hands as he pulled the mass over his shoulder to complete the braid. "Let me."

He looked over his shoulder. "You sure?"

"I think I can manage now. It's not all that complicated." I completed the procedure then secured it with the covered elastic band that he handed me. "Now, lay down on your stomach and relax," I instructed him.

His glance at me was a bit wary, but he complied.

I removed the vial from the water, pulled out the stopper and poured some of the contents into my hand. Duo was stressed…highly stressed. This fact was made very clear to me during his story. My desire to help him relieve that stress was what had made me think of Quatre's gift. The aroma therapy kit he'd given to me was a collection of the bubble bath, candles, and a massage oil that warmed with friction. The kit itself had been sort of a joke, but the sentiment behind it had been sincere. He'd said that even though he knew I probably would never actually 'use' it, he just couldn't pass up the "Stress Relief" kit. I was currently extremely grateful for the "joke", planning to make full use of the contents.

Vial back in it's pan to keep warm, I rubbed the oil in my hands before beginning to spread it across Duo's back. His skin was as soft as his hair had been, although it was far from flawless. We had been soldiers after all. The war left it's scars on all of us, some just more visible than others.

I started kneading the rock-hard muscles. He had to have been tense for a very long time for his muscles to be knotted as badly as they were.

"Ouch!"

I stopped quickly. "Am I hurting you?"

"Um, yeah," he admitted. "But don't stop. It feels good, too."

Over the next hour, I proceeded to work the seemingly endless amount of kinks out his back and shoulders. The vial of oil had been completely used up, being rather small, after all. The rest of his body would have to wait for another time…after I'd had a chance to find out where Quatre had found his little present.

Duo's hisses and cries of pain in the beginning had completely cooled the desire the sight of him and the feel of his hair had caused. Gradually, the knots released and he had relaxed into a slowly melting puddle. His current small moans and sighs of pleasure, unfortunately, reawakened that desire with a vengeance. I found my hands slowly traveling downward, closer and closer to where the low waistband of his pants exposed his hipbones. I imagined I could see a shadow heralding the beginning of the crevice that led to his entrance to paradise.

I had finally gotten Duo to relax. He'd already been through so much. I wanted to help him, not take advantage of him in his vulnerability. I had to stop immediately or I would lose what little control I had left.

I moved from where I had been straddling his thighs and laid down next to him. The last of the candles guttered and went out as I pulled the blankets up to cover the both of us. I reached out, gently rolling him over and pulling him into my arms.

"Mmm, that was nice, Heero. Thanks," he said with a sleepy smile. Then he realized the position we were in. He cracked an eye open and looked at me. "You wanna?" It took me a second to figure out what he was offering. "You can if you want."

Oh, gods.

"Go to sleep, Duo," I told him.

"Oh." He deflated then. Just how he managed that, as relaxed as he already was, I'll never know, but he did. I was confused. What had I done wrong? Then it dawned on me. He thought I didn't want him.

I tilted his head up and glared at him sternly. "Duo Maxwell," I admonished, "don't you dare tense up and ruin all my hard work." I relented as he shrank back a bit. Bending down, I placed a small kiss on his forehead. "I do want you, Duo," I told him, "more than you can imagine." He gasped slightly as I proved this by pressing my now solid erection gently into his thigh. I heard a hiss escape my lips as the intense pleasure of that small contact raced through me.

"But I don't mind," he insisted.

"I do." I sighed and cuddled him closer. "Duo, doing anything with you right now would make me no better than that guy that took advantage of you. I don't want to do that. I can't. I love you too much to allow such a thing."

Duo gasped and his eyes flew open. "Y- you- you love me?"

I was shocked by my admission as well. I had gotten much better over the last couple of years with Duo at recognizing and dealing with my own emotions. They had been all but obliterated by the training Dr. J had put me through. But 'love'? That was one emotion I had no understanding of, having absolutely no experience with it.

Then I thought about it. I thought about all the time we had been together, the experiences we had shared. Then I remembered the sight of Duo with his gun in his hand, contemplating the taking of his own life. I tried to imagine a world without Duo Maxwell in it. I tried to imagine my own life without him as a part of it. The bleakness of those thoughts terrified me. I discovered that I couldn't live without this man, my "braided baka". Was this 'love'? I didn't know for sure, but it was close enough for me.

"I hadn't realized it before now, but yes I do. Ai shiteru, Duo. I love you." I lightly ran my thumb along his cheekbone. "Now go to sleep. We'll talk more tomorrow."

"'K," he whispered as sleep finally overtook him. "L've you, too."

I smiled as I heard his breathing even out. Smiling. That was something else that Duo had taught me as he helped me to regain my humanity. I still didn't do it very often, but he was usually the cause of it when I did.

The rest of the guys were coming over tomorrow. I knew they would be wondering about Duo. He and I would have to discuss it in the morning to decide just how much to tell them. I didn't think that they needed all the gory details of what had happened.

I wasn't sure I needed 'all' the gory details. But Duo had needed to tell them…to allow him to begin to face the demons that plagued him. And I would listen…to as much as he needed to tell. But the others? The essentials would probably be enough.

Should we mention the revelation we had discovered? I know I didn't mind if we did. I loved Duo, and I trusted them. I wanted to shout it to the world.

But Duo was vulnerable. It was even possible that what he'd said was more reflexive than heart-felt. After all, he was mostly asleep at the time. I knew he didn't lie. I knew that he loved me. But it may not be in the same way that I'd discovered I loved him. It was very possible that the love he felt was the same that he felt for the other guys.

If that was all, then so be it. I knew I loved him and that was enough for me. I would accept whatever Duo was willing to offer…no more, no less. The only exception would be physical love. He'd had enough of that for a while. I would wait until I was sure that Duo was really ready before embarking on a physical relationship.

Speaking of which… I glanced down at myself.

Suddenly, Duo shifted in his sleep. His arm slipped over my waist and he tangled his legs with mine. The heat radiating off his form was amazing. We were both shirtless, which meant we were skin to skin from the waist up. The feeling was electrifying. I had to do something quickly or I was going to ravish him in his sleep, resolve or not.

Thinking of Dr. J had worked before. I imagined him just being in the vicinity. No luck. I pictured myself telling him all the things I really wanted to do to Duo. Nothing. It took the mental image of him attempting a sultry strip-tease before I was calmed down enough to get to sleep.

Resisting Duo may not be as easy as I'd imagined.

TBC