Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ notice ❯ Calling for Help ( Chapter 7 )

Title: Calling for Help

Overall Rating: NC-17 for mature themes. Not for the impressionable.

Chapter Rating: PG-13

DISCLAIMER: The series Gundam Wing and the characters therein do not belong to me. I'm just putting them in different situations to see how they react.

Chapter Summary: Maybe enough is enough.

* * *

I was glad that he had agreed to tell his story to the others. Even though I was the one that actually did the telling, he was the one that had suffered the events. I could only imagine how difficult it had been for him, not only to expose such vulnerability in front of the others but also having to essentially relive the experience yet again.

The rest of the evening went well. Duo's outlook lightened tremendously with the absence of the rejection he had been sure he would receive. I think the curiosity the guys had in his mysterious pizza had a lot to do with his improved mood.

Shopping for the required toppings had been surprisingly fun. The five of us stayed together as we searched out the items. The worst of the teasing comments were made when Trowa grabbed a small can of pineapple and Duo selected a bag of carrots.

Putting the pizzas together was a challenge in itself. The five of us were literally tripping over each other, laughing frequently, as we chopped, sliced, browned, and otherwise prepared our masterpieces. Finally, they were finished. The pizzas were sampled and shared by all.

The next few days Duo seemed to be back to normal. He would laugh and joke like he always did. Then he started spiraling downward again.

* * *

I was in the kitchen starting dinner when Duo got home from work. I was a bit surprised when he didn't return my called greeting, but didn't really think much of it. He went straight for the shower, which he usually did to wash off the grime from the day's work. It wasn't until dinner was well underway that I realized that he was taking longer than normal.

I looked up as he finally entered the kitchen. There was something about his expression that bothered me. "Duo, you ok?"

"Can I talk to you?"

"Of course."

I took the food off the fire and followed him into the living area where Duo was huddled on the couch. I slid in behind him and pulled him back to rest against me. I simply held him as I waited for him to tell me what was on his mind.

Finally, he broke the silence. "I promised Q that I would talk to you."

"What happened?"

"It was stupid. A part I was waiting for was due in. The shipment arrived, but the part wasn't in it. There was a notice that they were sorry, but the part had been on back-order and they couldn't say when it would be available. It was really no big deal, but I got angry. They knew the part wasn't available when they took the order, but they took it anyway. One of the guys offered to order it from another company. That seemed to just make it worse. I snapped at him to go ahead and order the part, then walked out.

"I had to get out of there. I don't know why. It was just a stupid part, but I felt like I was losing it. I ended up with my fists clenched so hard I swear almost drew blood. Somehow that helped. It was a physical pain I could focus on…admit to. Then, I noticed the veins in my arm. The next thing I knew, I was tracing them with my fingers. I imagined tracing those veins with a knife blade. I could almost see the blood running down my arm. I wasn't planning on killing myself, not really. I wasn't even planning to actually hurt myself. But I wanted to. Oh gods, I wanted to."

I turned him around and pulled him fully into my lap, holding him tightly as he started to cry.

"What's wrong with me, Heero? It was just a stupid part! Why did it bother me so much?"

I rubbed his back soothingly and rocked him, allowing him to cry himself out. I didn't know what else to do for him. I could listen to him and hold him, but it seemed that this was getting to be a bit over my head.

"I'm scared, Heero," he whispered as his tears ebbed. "I got so angry at first. I just wanted to lash at something…or someone." He raised his tear-streaked face. "Maybe I am dangerous.

Maybe I should let them put me away. If I ever really lost it, I could truly hurt someone."

He could, too, without even trying. We were no longer soldiers, but the reflexes were still there. Any of us could kill using just our bare hands. As Gundam pilots we had all been trained in hand-to-hand combat, both armed and unarmed. It had been necessary during the war, and useful for Preventer, but among the general populace…he could very well become a danger.

I brushed away the tears and pulled him back, holding him tightly. Then I though about what Quatre had said about getting private help. Maybe Duo should talk to a professional.

I suggested this to Duo. At first he remained against the idea. I pointed out that he could try going to one, sort of feel out the situation. He didn't have to tell everything, especially not at first. If he tried it, and still felt that the same, then we would have to think of something else.

He finally agreed. Neither of us had any idea of who to go to, but thought Wufei might. Working full-time with Preventer is a highly stressful occupation. We hoped he may know of someone Duo could go to that would understand what he was going through.

Wufei didn't ask for details. If we were seeking professional help, he already knew that the problem Duo was having was probably more serious than any of us would be able to handle. He was anxious to assist in any manner he could.

In a matter of moments, we had the name and number of a counselor. Wufei told us that this counselor was used by Preventer when needed and was both discreet and trustworthy. Coming from Wufei, this seemed to reassure Duo a bit. He had admitted to needing help, but continued to hold to the fear that he may be deemed 'incompetent' or 'dangerous' and thus reflect poorly on both Preventer and the other ex-Gundam pilots.

Immediately after hanging up with Wufei, Duo placed the call to the counselor. He scheduled an appointment at the earliest available slot. Unfortunately, this wasn't until the following week.

"I swear, the questions they ask are so stupid," he sighed after hanging up. "They actually wanted to know if I was a danger to myself or others. Do you think that if I'd said 'yes' that would get me in faster, or would it just get me committed?"

I didn't know how to answer that, so I said nothing. It was a week until his appointment. I knew that at the moment, Duo wasn't in any real danger. But who knew what would happen over the next week?

* * *

The majority of the week passed uneventfully. Things started back downhill the Friday before his Monday appointment. Duo had been a bit more reserved than normal when he arrived home from work. When I mentioned it, he stated it was nothing.

"A couple of the guys were going out this evening and asked me to come along is all."

"You could have gone, you know. Why didn't you?"

"I thought about it, but didn't know exactly where the place was, even though they did give me directions. A couple of them said that they would definitely be there. They said that the drinks were good and the music was great. I don't know, though. No one would give me a set time or place to meet. It just seemed too much like going by myself. One of the guys mentioned that the guitarist was fabulous, but a bit crazy. He said he knew him and would introduce me if I wanted, but I should be careful. He made the comment that the guy just wanted to sleep with everyone." His expression turned slightly stricken. "I just couldn't, ya know? It's just too close." His grin returned and he snuggled close. "Besides, I'd rather just stay here with you."

We cuddled together as Duo flipped the channels, finally settling on an old movie. I kept my eyes on the screen, assumedly watching, but in actuality I was lost in thought. I loved Duo whole-heartedly and appreciated his desire to spend his time with me, but his admission tonight bothered me somehow. He had always been so outgoing, always enjoying being around people. Ever since what I was beginning to think of as the "date incident," he was becoming slowly withdrawn, almost secluding himself. I knew I would do anything in my power to help him, but I couldn't help but wonder. Was he becoming too dependent on me? He had always been so strong and self-assured before this. I knew that his self-esteem had been compromised, but I was beginning to be afraid that what happened may have actually broken him.

Things had been bad enough with Duo's being so quiet on Friday, but Saturday was worse. It seemed that the stress of our trying to deal with whatever was wrong with Duo was quickly taking its toll on both of us.

It started as almost a repeat of the day before. Duo came home quiet and withdrawn. After his shower, though, things seemed better. He would smile and talk, but not like his norm. He never would meet my eyes. I couldn't see just what he was really feeling. I asked him about his day, but he would only admit to it being "a tough day at work." He'd said that there were too many 'emergency' jobs and not enough staff to cover all of them. Unfortunately, this was all to frequent an occurrence on the weekends.

When I tried to get him to open up and talk to me, he would just insist that he was "fine". I didn't believe him, but I also didn't want to start a fight, so I let the matter drop for the time being.

A short time later, I happened to run my fingers along his arm, when I noticed that he winced slightly. Concerned, I pushed the sleeve of his shirt up to see what was wrong. On the inside of his forearm were what appeared to be scratches. It almost looked like his arm had been clawed.

"What happened?"

Duo looked at his arm. "I just got scratched. No big thing."

"Did you get in a fight?"

"No."

If he didn't get into a fight, maybe he'd gotten his arm hurt on something. I tried to imagine what of the machinery he worked with could make marks like those. "Did you get your arm caught on something?"

"No! Sheesh, Heero, what's with the third degree? They're just scratches for goodness sake!"

He was hiding something, I could feel it. "How did you get them? Who scratched you?"

Duo became angry and jumped to his feet. "I did," he yelled. "There, are you happy now?"

"You did?" I just looked at him in shock. "Why?" I wanted to help him, but he seemed to be fighting me the entire way. I was becoming frustrated which caused me to become angry also. "Damn it, Duo!" I was also on my feet and yelling. "You promised that you would talk to me before doing anything!"

"They're scratches! It's not like I slit my wrists, you know!"

"Yeah, probably because you didn't have a knife handy enough!"

I regretted those words as soon as they were out of my mouth, afraid that he would become enraged and walk out.

Duo's eyes widened and he paled. "How did you know?" he whispered as he collapsed back onto the couch.

I was suddenly hit with an image of Duo unconscious on the floor in a pool of his own blood. To say that the image scared the shit out of me would be an understatement.

I slowly sat back down beside him, close but not touching. I rested my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands, unconsciously mirroring the position Duo was in. "Tell me?"

Duo took a deep breath before beginning. "The day started off badly. There were just too many of them and not enough of us. It only got worse. I finally just couldn't take it any more. I'm not really sure what happened. I was in the parts room and I just sort of lost it. I…came to, I guess…and my fingers were buried in my arm. The pain felt so good, it was scary. Later, I found myself eyeing the equipment…checking it out. I thought about catching my hand in the tire press. It wouldn't do permanent damage, just a couple of broken fingers. It wouldn't take much, just a little 'slip'…"

I thought about the machine he mentioned and shuddered. "You could have lost your hand, you know."

"I know."

I looked up and saw his anguished face. "Maybe I should let them lock me up."

"No." I opened my arms to him and Duo all but fell into them. "You aren't crazy. You just need help is all. Your appointment is the day after tomorrow. We just have to hold out until then."

He gave a mirthless laugh. "Yeah, and then this guy will wave his magic wand and I'll be 'cured'."

"Baka," I snorted. "You know better than that."

"Yeah," he sighed, "I know."

I hugged him. "He may not have all the answers, but he should at least have an idea of where to start."

"I sure hope so."

We sat there, just holding each other, each of us lost in our own thoughts. After a while Duo raised his head and placed a small kiss on my cheek.

"Thank you, Heero."

"For what?"

"For putting up with me and all my shit."

I smiled and hugged him again. "I told you that we would get through this together. I meant that."

Duo's head dropped back down. "I- I don't know what to say. No one has ever stayed with me before. They always leave, or die, or…"

I tilted his head back to gaze into his eyes. "Duo, I don't know what the future will bring, no one does. But I do know that I will do everything in my power to stay with you, always. I love you."

I kissed him softly and his eyes misted before he put his head back in it's place on my chest. After a couple of minutes I heard him giggle.

"So, does this mean that we're married or something?"

I snorted and hugged him yet again. "Baka."

The mood was effectively lightened. I'd said that I didn't know what the future would bring. However, his apparently joking comment opened the door to an entirely new set of possibilities to think about. But first, we had to get through the current crisis.

* * *

Sunday passed quickly, quietly and uneventfully. The day was spent as we always did, with light housecleaning and laundry. The only change in our usual routine was when we headed for bed. Duo was becoming increasingly nervous in anticipation of the upcoming appointment. With him in this condition, there was no way that he would get any rest at all.

Understanding this, I offered to repeat the aroma and massage therapy that had seemed to help him so well. Duo agreed. Earlier in the week, I had visited a small shop in the local mall which specialized in the aromatic items that I'd had a feeling would be needed again.

The evening had been enjoyable for both of us. I had planned on giving him a simple massage and then holding him to sleep. However, Duo had slightly other plans. He had allowed me to work the kinks out of his back and shoulders like I had done before, then quickly turned the tables.

As I finished his back, using long sweeping strokes, Duo suddenly flipped over and sat up.

"Your turn."

Surprised, I just gaped at him.

Gently, he pushed me to lay down. "Please, Heero. You've been so good to me lately, let me do this for you?"

How could I resist him? I had always known that he was strong, but that night I learned first-hand just how strong those hands of his really were. It didn't take him very long to have me totally melted into a puddle. I was so relaxed, I was barely able to turn over so he could spoon up against me for the night.

Monday morning arrived. Breakfast was a rather strained affair with the both of us as tense and nervous as we were. All too soon it was time to leave. Most of the trip was spent in silence, lost in thought.

"How much should I tell him?" Duo asked as we neared our destination.

"I don't know. Only you can decide that. Just tell him what you feel you should at the time."

"Yeah. I guess I'll just play it by ear."

We found the office easily. I pulled into a space and turned off the engine. Neither of us made a move to exit the car.

"We're here."

"I suppose it's too late to change my mind, huh?"

I reached out and took hold of his hand, holding it tightly. "I'm here with you."

He looked over at me, his eyes wide and frightened. "You'll wait for me…if they lock me up, I mean?"

"I'll be waiting, whatever happens." I stared out of the window, silent for a moment, before glancing over at him. "I'll visit you…if you want me to."

Duo smiled shyly at me. "I'd like that." Then he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He sat up straighter as he exhaled. With a final squeeze to my hand he reached for the door handle. "I guess we should get this over with, ne?"

I fully understood his fear. Should he tell about the self-destructive thoughts and actions he been having recently? Would doing so get him the help he so obviously needed? Or would it simply get him committed…locked up in the "loony bin"? He wasn't crazy, I was convinced of that. He was just…confused right now.

I hoped we were doing the right thing, having him talk to this man. I hoped that whatever Duo said to him wouldn't have him taken away from me.

We would soon find out.

TBC