Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ notice ❯ "Psycho Ward" ( Chapter 12 )

Title: "Psycho Ward"

Overall Rating: NC-17 for mature themes. Not for the impressionable.

Chapter Rating: PG-13

DISCLAIMER: The series Gundam Wing and the characters therein do not belong to me. I'm just putting them in different situations to see how they react.

Chapter Summary: Duo's experiences in the mental hospital.

* * *

Intake was easy. The hardest part was leaving Heero. Admission started with a couple of hours in a locked hallway. Lots of questions were asked: medical history, drug and alcohol history, details of why I came in, a detailed description of my "suicide plan"…things like that. It seemed what took the longest was waiting for the doctors to call back. They had to get orders to admit me and for medications and the like. I could understand that…sort of. I used to wait for "mission orders" too.

From there I was taken back to my unit. Things got a bit embarrassing then…the "skin check". Now I'm not ashamed of my body, far from it. I do have scars, though, what soldier doesn't? Besides, stripping for strangers has never been my idea of fun.

Stripping for Heero on the other hand…. Aaanyway.

While my clothes were off, they searched them. I was glad that for once I wasn't packing, not even my boot knife, I had left it with Heero. I could understand the necessity of not letting me have anything like that, but man I felt naked without it!

Once I was re-dressed, they went through my stuff, taking inventory and writing it down. I guess they didn't want me to forget anything when I left. They also had to read through the ingredients of everything I'd brought. Bastards kept my conditioner. It seems that there is alcohol in it. What did they think I was going to do…drink it? Yeah, right. With this hair? Not a chance. I was allowed to check it out when I needed it, or they could "administer" it in those stupid little plastic cups they use for medications. These people really have no clue.

Ok, now I'm all unpacked. The room has two cots with a nightstand next to each one, two dressers, and a desk with a folding chair. Rather sparsely furnished for the size of the room. You could fit at least a couple more people in here, but who asked me?

Then it's off to meet the rest of the group.

It seems that the patients spend a lot of time in the courtyard. There is only one door in or out that is ever unlocked. There is another door at the end, but it's bolted. Out of habit, I looked around. One good jump and I could get to the roof and out that way if I had to. I probably wouldn't, but it's still nice to know.

After a few minutes out there, someone stuck their head through the door and called for "Therapeutic Activity" time. Hey, there's a gym with a basketball hoop! Not too bad. Sort of hard to get a game going with only three players, but I could shoot hoops if I wanted to. The rest just sat around a table and goofed off.

About an hour of that, then it's back outside. Man, these people smoke a lot. From what I gathered from listening to their conversations, most of the others are here for alcohol or drugs, so I guess the smoking fits in with that.

The people here seem nice enough. Everyone is here to get help for one thing or another. No one seems to have a problem discussing why they are here. I had skimmed through the packed of rules I was given during intake and found out that we are allowed to discuss our problem with anyone we choose, just not supposed to talk about anyone else's problems. Except with them, of course.

The friendliness was really brought to my attention while waiting for time to go to dinner. I was hanging around outside with the group. I was there, but not there, you know? I was leaning on a corner with my back to most of them just staring off into space. I was really down. I had pretty much convinced myself that I had screwed up royally, that coming here was a mistake. How could I have done that to Heero? He tried so hard and put up with so much shit from me. And what did I do? Go off the deep end. I feel like I'm totally out of control.

One of the others noticed me standing there, tears streaming down my face and asked if I was ok. I figured, what the fuck. I was here to get help, why not admit it? So I shook my head.

I have no idea who this person was…just another patient like me, but they talked me down. By the time we left for dinner I was feeling a lot better and thought I might actually be able to eat something. Good thing, too. The food here is pretty decent and there is plenty of it.

The rest of the evening was spent just hanging out and wandering around the unit. A TV had been set up in the group room, but I wasn't interested in what they were watching. I spent a lot of the time hanging in the courtyard with the others. I was in bed my eleven, exhausted.

Actually, though, going to sleep took a bit longer. The bed squeaked to high heaven and the pillow sucked. I finally threw the thing on the floor and grabbed a pair of jeans. That worked better. I'd considered just sleeping on the floor, but changed my mind when I stuck my hand down and felt it. The carpet was so thin it might as well have been painted onto the concrete. Sleeping on that would have been too much like being back in an OZ cell. The bed sucked, but at least it was a bed.

Sometime during the night, one of the staff noticed I wasn't using a pillow and brought me a softer one. I could have kissed her. Well, maybe not. I did appreciate it though. I actually slept pretty good after that.

* * *

I'm not sure what woke me up the next morning. It was probably either the squeaking springs of my roommate's bed or the sound of the shower being turned on. I was a bit stiff from the hard bed, but then, I'd slept on worse…much worse.

The morning was pretty routine: wash up, hang out in the courtyard. Breakfast was at eight, then free time until group sessions at ten. When they called time for group, I asked at the nurse's desk where I was supposed to go, then followed the directions. It was easy to find since the unit really wasn't all that big.

The therapist didn't seem all that bad at first. He asked me to tell my story, which I did…in a nutshell and leaving out a lot regarding my training as a pilot and such. I hadn't mentioned that during intake, so I figured that if it was pertinent to why I was here, it would come out later. I was trying to trust this guy, but some things I just don't talk about.

Like I said, he didn't seem all that bad at first…the very first. Then he started talking about some stuff he had written on two boards. It was supposed to be important and if I could "internalize" what was there, I would be able to deal with what my problems were. I started to mistrust him when he mentioned "his book" at least three times in the first ten minutes. He told me to copy what was on the boards so I could study it.

Ok, I could do that. I pulled out my paper and a pen and started to copy, while continuing to listen to the conversations going on around me. Hey, I was a Gundam pilot…I multi-task well.

The next thing I know, this guy is getting all over me about writing during "group". What was being discussed pertained especially to me (even though it wasn't me he was talking to), and I was disrupting the proceedings. Now, how is writing being disruptive? I could understand if I was copying into a laptop. The clicking of the keys can be distracting I know (not to mention annoying, but I won't go there right now…Heero *grin*). I'm supposed to tell this guy my innermost thoughts and fears? I don't think so. I'd sooner divulge top secret mission plans to OZ officials.

I thought I did rather well, actually. I did not dismember the man right then and there, with my bare hands…as tempting as it was. I know that he'd read my file, but there are some things that weren't in it. My being an ex-Gundam pilot being the most important. Somehow I don't think he would have been as obnoxious if he'd known that I was fully capable of capping him. I spent the rest of the session listening while he tore down half of the others in the group while I imagined what I would like to do to him. I made sure I kept my eyes on the floor the entire time. I'm sure I would have scared him with the look in my eyes as my thoughts started with "Omae o korosu" (I really have to thank Heero for that one) and proceeded to torture him from there. Heero was always the one to go to for an assassination, but if torture was needed, talk to Shinigami *wicked grin*. I must admit, I sort of enjoyed considering the things I would have liked to do to this guy…had we met a few years earlier, and been on opposite sides.

There was more free time and lunch before we had "group" again. I did a lot of thinking during that time. I had been watching how they did things here, how the medications were handled and how the staff interacted with the patients. I really wasn't impressed. Several of the patients needed things which took the nurses a long time to take care of. Once, one of the girls was having an asthma attack. She really needed her inhaler. The nurses were too busy chatting to pay much attention. They were real good at tracking down everyone to mark their paperwork, but take care of what was really needed? Nope.

This really got me to thinking. On the outside, Heero and I would make sure I took my meds when I was supposed to. I could really talk to my counselor…him I trusted. I had a medical doctor I trusted to monitor the medications.

Why was I here?

I came in so that I could just "let go", let the "experts" take over for a while. Ok, it's been 'a while'. I'm not going to do anything stupid. I never really was. I just sort of needed a break.

Well, I've had my break. I'm feeling a lot more confident of being able to handle things again, especially with Heero helping, which I know he will.

I went to the second group session like I was supposed to (hey, I'm being "good"). The topic of discussion was a continuation from the previous one. The therapist had drawn a picture on the chalkboard. It was a funnel with the word "LIFE" inside. There was an arrow pointing down to the narrow end and several pointing upwards to the words "SPIRITUALITY" and "The Life I Was Meant To Live". He was asking everyone to internalize that picture and tell what it meant to them. Everyone was talking about being "spiritual" and having the jobs that they wanted or were capable of doing.

My version was: The word "life" is the experiences that you have. Now you can 'choose' to perceive these experiences in a negative way which sends you downwards to a very limited amount of options. Or you can choose to perceive them in a positive way which opens you up to a whole new variety of opportunities. As for the 'job', not a problem. I already have one waiting for me when I get out. (I'd already spoken to my boss who was more understanding than I had thought he would be. As far as 'living the life I was meant to live'? I had Heero who loved me. I had Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei who I knew were friends…close ones. I had people who cared for me and who would listen if I needed them to. All I had to do was give myself permission to do so.)

Some revelation, huh? And I did it all on my own. Not too shabby.

The therapist asked if I would be able to live the life I was meant to live. I told him "yes, I could". He seemed pleased with my response. I could tell because he moved on to the next person.

I spent the rest of the time only half listening this time. I was more focused inwards on the revelations I had figured out. I didn't need to be here. I needed to be with my loved ones. The admission wasn't a total waste, though. I think it served the purpose I came in for. I'd met the goals I had set when I came in. It was now time to go home.

Now, how to do that?

When I was admitted, I was told that since I had signed my self in, I would be able to sign myself out. They could keep me for at least 24 hours, for evaluation and such. Ok, I'd been here that long. How do I get out?

I met the charge nurse as they were changing shifts. She was coming around meeting all the patients. I pulled her aside and asked how I go about signing out. She said that the doctor had to be called and told that I was ready to leave. He would ask why, if I wasn't happy with the care or something like that. Then, when he came in to see me in the morning, he would assess me to make sure I wasn't a danger, and sign me out. She said to get with her in a while to talk things over and she would see about calling him. I agreed.

After dinner, I noticed that things had sort of calmed down at the nurse's desk, so I hung around until the charge nurse noticed me. She asked if I was still interested in signing out. I said yes and told her about my revelation so she could tell the doc. She called him and passed the information on. He seemed ok with it and would talk to me in the morning. Cool. Now, all I have to do is make it through the night. Shouldn't be too bad. Heero is coming to visit.

The visit was great. Well, not as great as it would have been had I been able to get him alone, but nice anyway. I told him about the group sessions and what I'd come up with. It's really ok to talk to him. I 'give myself permission' to talk, to get what's bothering me out. He's more than willing to listen…as are the other guys. I really know that now. Why I never figured it out before, I don't know. Maybe I'm a slow learner? Who cares.

All too soon, Heero had to leave. They don't understand male/male relationships here, so I couldn't hug him, but he understood. I would see him again in the morning…just as soon as the paperwork was completed.

I slept rather well that night.

* * *

The doc came by after breakfast. I told him that I felt 100% better and had no thoughts or intentions of hurting myself or anyone else. He said that he was happy I was better and would sign the release papers. I could be out of there in a couple of hours, once the paperwork was completed. It was all I could do not to make a total fool of myself by shouting for joy.

By 10:30, the paperwork was done, I was packed and one of the staff was escorting me out the door. Heero's smiling face was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

Speaking of Heero, he's really been great. No matter what I put him through, he's always there; supporting me, comforting me, and most of all, not taking advantage of me. He was waiting until I was "ready". You know what? After having that eye-opening discovery, I really feel like I could say 'no'. I'm allowed to say no. It doesn't matter what the other guy wants, it's what I want that is important.

Now, what do I want? I want a job that I enjoy…got it. I want a 'life', not just work and home. That I can do. I want…love. Hmm, I already have that. It just took a while for me to really figure it out.

What do I want?

Heero.

TBC