Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Poisoned Memories: Ghost and Shadows ❯ Part 1 ( Chapter 1 )

Poisoned Memories

 

Story 1

 

Ghosts and Shadows

 

Part 1

 

 

 

“Don't crash the car or anything,” Anjaleque Matthews teased her husband Jonathan as he tried to edge the dark blue minivan into the right lane of traffic. Jonathan rolled his eyes at his wife good-naturedly as his older son, Shi, giggled in the back seat. His dad was the most careful driver on the planet, he wouldn't ever crash the car, everyone knew that. Well, everyone but his little brother, Eirie, who was sitting next to him, but he was only two and didn't know all the things that Shi did at seven years old. Outside the car, it was raining out, but even if it weren't, Jonathan was careful, waiting for a sure gap to pull the car into the right lane. Shi looked over at Eirie, who was fiddling with the zipper on his jacket and smiled at how, with him sitting behind their mom and Shi sitting behind their dad, it was like they could see through time, to who they would be when they were all grown up like their parents were.

Shi was blonde like his daddy, he even wore his shoulder-length hair in a loose ponytail like him, though his eyes weren't green, they were a strange blood-red. Shi didn't know why his eyes were a color that no one else's were. His mom always said it was something he would understand when he was older, but that didn't make him feel better every time he looked in the mirror, or when he went to school and knew that, whenever someone looked him in eye, he knew that they were thinking that he was different, a freak. But he wasn't sad about it. How could he be? He didn't have any friends, but he had only been lonely before Eirie had been born. Boys in class said that little brothers were always annoying and stupid, but Shi loved his baby brother, he was probably more fun to play with than other kids his age anyway.

Eirie was the reason why he couldn't be sad about his eyes, or that he didn't have any friends, because he had weird eyes like him. While it was true that Shi looked a lot like his dad, he even had long legs like him, Eirie was a splitting image of their mother. He was a redhead like her, pale, and his eyes were large, a violet-blue color that was the exact shade of their mom's. Their mom always called him her little fox, but Shi thought he looked more like a little elf than a little fox. He was cute, if little brothers could be cute, and Shi did like him, just like he liked his mom and dad, even though he was five years older. He remembered when his mom got pregnant and his Auntie Ursula had told him over and over that it was only natural for a little boy like him to be jealous of a new baby in the house, but the odd thing was… he had never been jealous of his little brother, even when all sorts of grownups warned him that his parents couldn't spend as much time with him, he had never been jealous. He still wasn't.

Even if he had been, when they had brought his brother home from the hospital, he couldn't be any longer. His Auntie Ursula, who he had never liked, even if his dad did tell him that she was his mother's big sister, had stayed for that week and had warned his parents against letting him be around Eirie, had said that a little kid like him didn't know how to handle a baby. That had made him wonder if she hadn't handled his mom well when she was little. He didn't think his mom and Auntie Ursula got along well, either, because she had given her a mean look when she had said that and had defiantly handed Eirie over to Shi. Two years later, Shi could still remember how that had felt. He remembered how good it had felt, knowing that his mother trusted him, and the sort of responsibility she had put on him, to make her right, to prove his worthy of that trust, and that he could handle holding a baby.

Shi remembered how small Eirie had been that day, smaller than a doll, his head already almost completely covered in downy, fiery hair. Shi had been terrified to hold his little brother, afraid he would drop him or Eirie would start to cry, but the baby had continued to sleep peacefully in his arms and he had felt this strange feeling in his gut, like he had this weird power, and also a resolve that he would never drop him, that he could be responsible like his mommy and daddy and could make everything better if Eirie started to cry.

Shi smiled to himself as Eirie continued to fiddle with his zipper and their father finally pulled out. Church was Shi's least favorite things in the world to do, he would rather get a shot than sit in those uncomfortable pews, listening to the old pastor rambling on about Jesus and God and all sorts of boring things that never changed a single bit week after week. It didn't help when he started to talk about beating the `red-eyed devils' in every day life and Shi thought about his own red eyes and the things kids whispered when they thought he couldn't hear, or just simply didn't care if he did hear or not. He didn't know why he had to go anyway. His dad didn't like going, Shi was just a kid, but even he could tell that his dad only went because his mom wanted to be there, but he didn't understand why she wanted to go, either.

He would watch as his mother would politely shake hands with the other people in church and would put a bit of money in the offering plate, and would even pray when the pastor told them to, but when she did it, she just looked sad and Shi couldn't figure out why. He also couldn't figure out why anyone would do something like that again and again when they looked like they wanted to be anywhere but there, like his mommy did every Sunday. But she still made them go. It was strange because, as soon as they left Church, she would be herself again, happy and loving, and she'd never mention God. He knew that Auntie Ursula prayed a lot, but his mother only ever did it in Church and when they sat down at Thanksgiving and Christmas, they would say grace, like Auntie Ursula wanted them to, but when it was his mother's turn to say it, she never mentioned God, which made his Aunt give her a hateful look. Shi knew that it was just one of those adult things he would never understand until he became one of them.

Shi grabbed Eirie's hand to keep him from playing with his zipper anymore. Eirie looked at him with his deep eyes and Shi thought that he liked Eirie's color a lot better than his own. Violet was prettier than blood-red. All their aunts and uncles had cooed over Eirie's eye color when he had been a baby. They had said that it was beautiful and Shi agreed. He didn't think anyone had ever called his eyes `beautiful' before. But he wasn't jealous or anything like that, he just really liked that color was all.

“What flavor are you going to get?” Shi asked, trying to keep his little brother excited and awake. He knew the muddled head feeling you got after sitting in church for an hour and Eirie had the habit of falling asleep in the car, bored of trying to sit still in the pews, though their father usually gave Eirie some paper and markers to doodle with. Shi always noticed how some ladies, usually the really older ones or the ones with kids of their own, would glare at their parents, like a little kid drawing in church was forbidden. Shi thought that was silly. Eirie was just a kid, barely older than a baby, he didn't have any sins and he had the rest of his life to be sorry for stuff. He shouldn't have to worry about Heaven and Hell until he was old enough to get it, or, like Shi, old enough to think that maybe stuff like that was just made up, because all the guys in the Bible knew God was there, He spoke to them, and they felt good and safe because of Him, but Shi had never talked to God, he only felt safe when he was with his Momma or Daddy, and besides, if God really loved him, why would he make him look like one of the demons in the Bible?

Shi often wondered why their mom didn't scold Eirie and their dad for letting him draw, if all those other women thought it was so bad, but she only stroked his hair, like she always did, and let him draw. Maybe she just realized that, if Eirie didn't have something to play with, he would only get restless, or maybe she didn't think it was important for Eirie to listen to what the pastor had to say like those other women did, but if that were true, why did she make them go to Church at all?

“I'm going to get chocolate,” Shi told his little brother with a grin. Eirie smiled widely at him, the smile of a small child that could feel only one thing at a time, either ultimate happiness or ultimate sorrow.

“Strawberry!” the redhead cheered, his sleepy, bored mind starting to wake up at the promise of treats. Shi playfully stuck his tongue out at him.

“Yuck!” he said.

“Nu-uh!” Eirie protested, “Strawberry's the best!”

“But you always get strawberry!” Shi pointed out, “Don't you ever want to try something different?”

“Nope!” his little brother said stubbornly.

“But why not?” Shi prodded, “What if you're missing something really good?”

“Because I love strawberry!” Eirie told him, “If I love it, why should I change it?”

“But you could find you love something else even better,” Shi teased.

“But I love you and I don't want you to ever change!” Eirie said with a bright look, “Even if I get another brother, it won't be you, so I won't ever love him as much!”

Shi shook his head, using his bangs to shield the blush and shy look in his eyes. Eirie was always saying weird stuff like that. It should have annoyed him, all that mushy stuff, but it only made his heart feel oddly warm, like it would burst or something. It made him want to hold his little brother tight. It made him wish that Eirie would never grow up. Auntie Ursula had told him that, too, that when people got older, they changed and became strangers unless you watched them really closely. If that were true and one day, Eirie would grow up and not love him anymore, he wanted his baby brother to stay just the way he was. But to a kid like him, growing up was something that seemed impossible and inevitable at the same time. It seemed like you had forever, but you still knew that one day, you would be all grown up and you couldn't ever become little again.

Shi ruffled Eirie's red hair.

“Dummy,” he said affectionately, “If you keep eating the same ice cream over and over, you'll turn into a strawberry!”

Eirie gave him a wide eyed look, like he was considering that this might actually happen to him. Shi wiped the fearful look off his face, all the while feeling terribly guilty that he had teased him in the first place, tickling Eirie's sides and making the two year old screech and laugh.

Anjaleque, using the mirror to look at the back seat, smiled fondly at the antics of her two sons. She and Jonathan had been blessed with Shi and Eirie, but she felt especially blessed. The two brothers were closer and more affectionate than she had ever been with her own family. Her father had been a strict man, almost violent in his stubbornness and resolve to raise his three children as he had seen fit. It was this domineering, almost chauvinistic personality that had driven a firm wedge between her strong willed parents. When her older brother, Odin, had been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and her father, belonging to a wealthy and well respected, old money family, had been too proud to admit his only son to a mental hospital, it had been the last straw for her mother and she had fled. Anjaleque hadn't heard from her since then, though Shi and Eirie got cards, money, and gifts from her in the mail during birthdays and holidays.

By the time Odin had started to show enough violent behavior that he could no longer take care of himself, Anjaleque's eldest sibling, Ursula, had already been married with a family, so, her father had placed the responsibility of looking after her brother on Anjaleque's shoulders. She, like any good, little sister, had loved her big brother, but she had also hated both him and her father for putting such a task on her, a teenager at the time, effectively destroying her life with friends and school. Her sister had called her `noble' for taking care of their sick brother and Anjaleque had known, even back then, that the only thing keeping Odin halfway human was her continuous, gentle presence and yet… She had hated him, not just his illness, but him.

She had hated her brother's love for her, his neediness and reliance, how Odin had seen her as his saving grace when, in reality, all Anjaleque wanted was her life back. So, when she had met Jonathan Matthews at a café on an errand to get her brother's medicine and the blonde had shown an interest in her, Anjaleque had clung to his strong presence for deal life, wanting a sort of reminder that she was still a young woman with desires and dreams, not just a subservient daughter or her brother's keeper. She had flirted with him, letting him buy her coffee, what she hadn't expected was how much more mature Jonathan had been than his age, how he had seen her pain, and how quickly she would fall in love with his patient acceptance of her fears and sorrows.

Jonathan had created for her the escape she had always been looking for. Maybe she had been looking for it even before her brother had fallen sick. Maybe… the path she had found herself on, her brother getting sick, her mother leaving, her father becoming more and more controlling… maybe it had always been inevitable, but whatever the case, her brother's illness had only shown Anjaleque that she was ill suited for her mother's life, she could not just do what she was told when, somehow, she knew that she wanted something else. Until she had met Jonathan, she hadn't even known what that something was, but she had known it was not babysitting her brother and acting like her father's wife, or servant. When she and Jonathan had, secretly, started to date, it was like the veil had been lifted from her eyes. She had wanted, not just to fall in love, but to meet someone else in the world, someone who wasn't a part of her family, someone she could share her life and feelings with.

Becoming an unwed mother was, to any teenaged girl, a nightmare, but for Anjaleque, it had come as a blessing. Being told by her doctor that she was indeed pregnant, and seeing that proof on her lab work, she had finally found the strength to finally see the future in front of her. She had never been so shallow as to use her unborn baby as an excuse to finally find her own way, but she had been struck by a strange strength that she had never known she had possessed. She had known, in that very instant, without any contemplation or hesitation, that she would be keeping her baby, whether her father and her boyfriend wanted her to. Still, when Jonathan had found out and, instead of being angry at his sudden responsibility, he had swept her up in his arms out of pure joy, she had been filled with an incredible happiness. She had known that her father would have no such reaction, even at the thought of having a grandchild, but with Jonathan's excitement, and the sight of him getting on one knee to propose to her, she hadn't cared.

They could have eloped, just to spare themselves the pain and awkwardness of informing her father of their marriage and her pregnancy, Jonathan had suggested this more than once, well aware of Anjaleque's feelings towards her father, but his proposal, his insistence that they do things right, for the sake of their child, had made her realize that she wanted to do things right, too, and she didn't want to rob her unborn baby of a grandfather without even trying. As scared as she was of her father, she wanted him to be a part of her baby's life. She couldn't understand it herself, as much as she hated her father for what he had done to her, for driving her mother away with his forcefulness and ignorance, he was still her father and she loved him. She knew that she would be consumed with guilt if she denied him the chance to know his grandchild.

Predictably, her father had been furious when he had been told about both the marriage and the child, though Anjaleque, even now, didn't know which one he had been angrier over. In her father's eyes, her being associated with a middle class man like Jonathan, who not only came from a normal family, but also had no exceptional aspirations, was a terrible thing. He considered the child growing in her abdomen to be just as terrible as Jonathan and had demanded for her to get rid of it, as well as call everything off with Jonathan. As Anjaleque glanced over at her husband as they pulled into the parking lot of the ice cream shop they always visited after church, she wondered if, had her father learned about Jonathan before she had become pregnant, and had demanded that she never see him again, if she would have done so, before they had gotten so deeply involved. Anjaleque studied her husband's face, his green eyes, and long blonde hair and smiled.

No, she decided right then, even before she had gotten pregnant, she never would have done what she was told in that case. And in the end, what had happened had happened. She and Jonathan had gotten married, quietly, but not exactly in secret. Anjaleque had invited her family, but only Ursula had shown up. Even Jonathan's parents, though Anjaleque had always been aware of his and his father's strained relationship, had come. In fact, they had owed his parents a bit of debt since they had been the ones to pay for the whole thing. She knew that they would have had the cheapest wedding possible, but Jonathan's mother had refused to let her son's wedding be anything but proper.

Jonathan's mother wasn't the only one who had bailed them out in their decision to live on their own. Anjaleque hadn't gone to college yet, but Jonathan had a bit of money saved away. However, in between the prospect of getting their own place and preparations for the birth of their first son, they had been anxious about money. It had seemed like a gift from heaven when, after all day of searching for an apartment that they couldn't even afford, they had received the check in the mail, but with the message on the piece of paper that had come with the check… “I love you” and “Be happy”, she knew it had come from her estranged mother.

She couldn't even begin to understand why her mother would do such a thing. Perhaps she had felt guilty about abandoning her family, or maybe the payment on their first real home had simply been an act of `screw you' to her ex-husband, Anjaleque still couldn't be sure. She did know that her mother never doted on Ursula's children like she did on Shi and Eirie, so who knew her intentions. It sure made it seem that her mother was still attacking her father by favoring her husband's unwanted grandchildren, and if she really loved them so much, why did she never stop by? Shi, especially, had asked her time and time again why they never got to see his grandmother and Anjaleque had no answers for him. Maybe one day she would tell him why neither of his grandparents ever visited, but she thought he was still far too young for that. As it was, her mother's actions were confusing at the very least, it was almost as if she were afraid of her ex-husband, something that Anjaleque couldn't understand. Yes, he was controlling and forceful, but to her knowledge, he had never hit her mother, so if she was afraid, Anjaleque couldn't see why.

One night, in the later years of her brother's insanity, Anjaleque had been watching over him as his behavior had gotten more and more violent and erratic. That night, he had whispered to her that their family was cursed. At the time, she had filed it away as one of his many nonsensical ramblings, but it had haunted her. That strange notion had followed her all of her life. In the light of day the next morning, she had pondered over it, wondering if her brother knew something that she didn't, but she gave up on that train of thought easily, not because she thought it was ridiculous, but because, the same now as back then, it had scared her.

Despite her hesitance in giving any truth to her brother's belief, when she had finally escaped her father and brother's hold over her, she had had the thought, the crazy, excited thought, that she had escaped the curse, and though it was crazy, she had felt so incredibly relieved. Then, Shi had been born and her brother's words had come rushing back in a frenzied, terrifying torrent. It was strange, at the same moment her baby had opened his eyes and she had had that thought, she had been scared, but at the same time, she had felt this incredible love for him. Her terror had not been of being drawn back into the misfortune of her family, it had been for her son.

Shi's eyes were red, clearly a different color than hers, but the cause of it was the same. It was a genetic flaw, a flaw that mutated color pigment, usually in the eyes, but sometimes the hair or skin as well. She had learned, many, many years ago that her own violet eyes could be traced back to her father's strange, golden-red ones, a pigment that looked like a deep, unsettling orange, like a sunset or harvest moon. In turn, her brother's eyes had been a golden yellow. Her mother and older sister had escaped this mutation, though Anjaleque did not know if all of her mother's family were clean of it, Ursula having black hair and black eyes and her mother's brown locks and blue eyes were very normal coming from European descendants. So, when she had learned of her first born son's strange eye color, not an orange-red like her father, but actually the color of blood or rubies, she had been frightened because… if pigment mutation ran rampant in her family, what about her brother's illness? Knowing about her father's forcefulness, his almost obsession with control, and her brother's schizophrenia, in her younger years, she had worried that their strange color eyes also meant that something was wrong with their minds.

But… her father wasn't insane like her brother had been… right? He could be obsessive, but he wasn't crazy. Still, she had waited through her teenage years for the other shoe to drop, only to be immensely relieved to turn out normal, sane, though, if you were crazy, you would be the last person to know it, wouldn't you? But Jonathan would have known. Then, Shi was born and she had someone else's sanity to worry about. It seemed like a vicious cycle and she had worried, as she had watched them clean off her newborn baby, if she was destined to forever play nursemaid to someone who could not even tell the difference between their fantasies and reality.

Odin had always been distant from their parents and Ursula, yet he had, for reasons Anjaleque couldn't see, had connected with her, unhealthily, almost like he had been obsessed with her. She had seen the signs, even as a child, so when she was informed of her baby's eye color, she had been watchful. Then, something wonderful had happened. The nurse had handed her, her baby and this intense feeling of protectiveness and maternity had filled her and she no longer cared about mental illness or mutation. Her baby had been beautiful, was still beautiful, and she vowed to love him no matter what. He was hers and Jonathan's and, she was sure, everything would be alright.

Her fears had followed her, though more subdued, when they had brought Shi home with them. It had been Jonathan that had named him. Before he had met her, he had served three years in the army, one year in Japan and two in Africa, but he had felt happiest when he had been in Japan and had felt an affinity with the small village he had been posted at. Anjaleque had had no problems with naming their child a Japanese name and when Jonathan had told her that `shi' meant many things, including pride and to remember, she had agreed. The exotic name had suited the baby somehow and she hadn't been worried that the name was so rare, even in a mixed city like New York.

The move from rural Montana to New York had been strange for her. Anjaleque had never been outside of her home town and was nervous to move to some huge, bustling city, but Jonathan had known that all the best jobs were in large cities and it was the best place to get a career for them. Still, the images of a crime ridden city like New York that her father had painted had made her anxious. For the first year of Shi's life, they had lived in a little, but functional, apartment in the heart of the city and Anjaleque had had a hard time adjusting to it. She had shuddered to think of her baby growing up without knowing what trees and silence were like. But, to Anjaleque's surprise, one of the main reasons why they had moved to New York was because of his uncle, who worked for the Pentagon, but was also deeply involved with the NYC council and had given Jonathan a job there. Within a year and a half, Jonathan had secured enough networks and connections for them to move to the suburbs, into their current home, and get a well-paying job.

It had seemed like one surreal dream after another, getting their house, Jonathan getting a job as one of the Mayor's aids, her getting a job at the local high school, only a ten minute drive from their home… it had seemed too perfect for her, almost like she had died and was living in heaven, an illusion, but she hadn't cared whether it was real or not. For the first time since her brother had fallen ill, she felt like she was home. To make things even better, Anjaleque quickly realized that her fears concerning her son would never become real. Shi was far from what her brother had been, even at almost two years old. He smiled at them, chattered and hugged them constantly. He was bright at his age, already stumbling around and trying to find the right words to name things, but more importantly, he acted like a normal, happy child. This… connected, loving, normal behavior continued even when Eirie had been born.

Shi had been four and a half and Anjaleque had learned she was pregnant again when she had received her first and, to this day, last phone call from her father. She had been shocked enough just to hear from him, not knowing how he had gotten her phone number. The only thing more shocking than how he had gotten a hold of her had been what he had told her. Her brother had killed himself. Through the haze of shock, Anjaleque had heard the furious tone in her father's voice and had realized, in repulsion and bitterness, that he was more angry at her betrayal, at her not being there for her brother like he had demanded, than the fact that his son was dead. She had truly hated him in that moment, in his ravings that she was responsible for her brother's death, that she might as well have killed him herself. His accusations had filled her with guilt and she had hated that he still had the power to do that to her. She had hated that he still filled her with such fear that she couldn't retort that, if he hadn't been so proud, Odin would have been in a hospital that could have helped him, it was her father that had killed him, not her!

She had been so furious at her father for his ignorance, stubbornness, and blame that, a week later, when he had called her asking to see his grandchildren, she had denied him, saying that if she saw him, she would have him arrested. She regretted it now, realizing that her father had been trying to reach out to some of the only family he had had left, but she had been so angry, and filled with remorse about her brother's death. She still felt conflicted about it, hating him for his illness, yet loving him because, at one point, they had been so close, the best at friends, before both of their worlds had gone to hell.

Anjaleque glanced back at her two sons. They really were so much different than how she had been with her siblings. She and Ursula had fought all the time, but Eirie and Shi never did, they were connected at the hip, but not like how Odin had attached himself to her, their love for each other was healthy and beautiful for a mother to watch. Shi was so protective of his little brother, not jealous or dominating, and was so patient with him, answering all of his questions. Anjaleque felt like her youngest had another father, Shi even checked Eirie's closet and bed for monsters when they went to bed and read to him.

Jonathan and Anjaleque got out of the car to get the boys their ice cream. They knew how much their sons hated going to church, especially so early in the morning, but the ice cream had become as much a tradition as church, a reward for the boys not being as rambunctious as some of the other children in the congregation. With his strawberry ice cream in hand, Eirie seemed to wake up a bit more, his legs kicking in mid air happily as he ate his treat quickly, as any child too young to worry about `brain freeze' would. Shi was more sedate, but by the time they pulled into their street, his chocolate was gone as well.

Shi's attention was suddenly caught by a moving van parked two houses over from their house and a green sedan that was in the driveway that had been vacant for as long as the young blonde could remember. His boredom and sweet tooth was long forgotten as his curiosity flared at the sight of something new and exciting.

“Oh, it looks like the house finally sold,” Anjaleque mused, “I thought it would be empty forever.”

“It's hard selling a house in the suburbs in this economy,” Jonathan pointed out, words that Shi didn't understand, but it still made him feel anxious for some reason.

“Can we meet them?” Shi asked excitedly. Anjaleque turned in her seat and ruffled her older son's golden hair.

“Maybe later,” she told him, “They're probably bringing their furniture and things in. We don't want to overwhelm them. We'll go over after dinner tonight.”

Shi nodded happily. It seemed like nothing changed on their street, in Shi's life, so the idea of someone moving in so close to him was definitely something to look forward to. He jumped out of the car, going around to the other side to help Eirie out, a task that his parents didn't have to remind him about. As soon as their father had unlocked the front door, the two boys were racing up the steps, eager to shed their church clothes so they could go outside and play. Shi was especially eager because of a concept that Eirie did not have to deal with for another three years: he had school tomorrow. Soon, the weekend would be over and he would have to sit in the stuffy classroom, writing cursive and math in those silly little blue books they handed out, his only reprieve gym class and recess. Worst of all, he would have to be around his class mates.

Shi helped Eirie get his own play clothes on and they were off running again, Shi opening the back door for his smaller brother.

“Ma, we're going out to the field!” Shi yelled.

“Alright, watch out for your brother!” Anjaleque called from the kitchen, making herself a sandwich.

“I will!” Shi promised, closing the door behind him.

 

*****

 

The back of the Matthews' house was surrounded by a white picket fence, keeping out the rabbits that frequented the area from feasting on their mother's garden. They had a small swing set, but Eirie ran to the latched fence door, which Shi opened for him. Beyond the fence was a huge field, alive with wildflowers that were blooming prettily in the spring temperature. In the winter, the field was hilly and perfect for sledding. Across the field, towards the bottom was even a small pond that froze easily. As they ran out into the array of wildflowers and fluttering butterflies, the sun shining brightly in the powdered blue sky, Shi spotted a group of kids playing tag ahead of them. Before Shi could do anything, Eirie was running towards them, eager to play with them. Shi kept up with the two year old easily, watching to make sure he didn't fall.

The group of kids stopped playing as they saw Shi approaching with his baby brother and immediately, with looks of annoyance, started to disperse. Shi and Eirie paused, watching them in disappointment.

“Stupid Demon,” Shi heard one boy mutter too loudly to be discrete. Shi's chest tightened in pain at the nickname as he watched them start to leave.

“I'm sorry,” he said mournfully to Eirie, who looked sad. Shi realized that he had really been looking forward to playing with them. If he hadn't been here, Eirie would have had fun… Suddenly, Eirie looked angry as he watched the other kids go.

“He's not a demon! YOU'RE the demon, you're just too stupid to see it!” his little brother screamed at them, tears streaming down his face at how upset he was.

The boy who had insulted Shi whirled and glared at the little redhead.

“Who do you think you're talking to, Baby?” he snarled. Shi grabbed Eirie's arm and pulled him back.

“Eirie, don't,” he whispered, afraid that the boy would try to start a fight. Eirie pouted at him, but let Shi lead him back a bit, waiting for the group to leave.

“I don't care what they say,” Eirie sniffed, “You're not a demon, you're a lion!”

Shi blinked at him, his fair skin blushing at his brother's image of him. It wasn't the first time his brother had called him that, but it wasn't the first time he had been called `demon', either. `Demon'… `devil'… he had been called those things ever since he had first started going to school. He had looked in the mirror over and over again, had looked at his hateful red eyes many times, and had often wondered if that was why he had no friends. Because he looked like the Devil, like he was evil. But he didn't feel evil! Still… they were always teasing and bullying him about it, like he was bad, just because his eyes were a weird color. Why should he have friends when they hated him over something he couldn't change? And yet, when they called him that, he couldn't help but wonder if they were right.

“I'm not a lion, Eir',” he protested. Eirie shook his head.

“No, you're a lion! I saw it on TV, they got's red eyes and pretty gold hair, just like you! And they're big and strong and always protect their family! So, you're a lion, not a demon! You're not like a demon at all!” Eirie said vehemently.

Shi couldn't help but give his little brother a small smile, his chest feeling warm and peaceful instead of tight and cold. He ruffled his hair, but Eirie only grinned at him.

“It's `have' not `got's', dummy,” he teased lightly, “Now, you wanna catch butterflies?” he tried to soothe the hurt of having no one to play with but each other, though that suited him just fine. Eirie nodded excitedly.

“Butterflies!” he screamed excitedly and ran off, already spotting a bright blue and yellow one darting from flower to flower.

A lion, really? Did Eirie really see him like that? It made him feel… proud of himself, happy, and confident. He had never really thought of himself as strong or big. He just felt small and unimportant. He couldn't even raise his hand in class without feeling a deep fear that someone would call him those painful names. But Eirie didn't think he was evil, he thought he was something good, something that could protect him, and what Eirie thought was the only thing that mattered. He was the only friend he had, the only one, besides his parents, that really loved him, so his opinion was the only one he should listen to. If Eirie didn't doubt him… he couldn't ever do something to make him doubt him. Not ever.

He smiled softly as he watched his little brother happily chase after the multitude of butterflies. He couldn't remember when he had been that young. Yeah, he knew he was just a kid, but Eirie wasn't bothered by anything. He didn't care that they never saw their relatives, except for Aunt Ursula. He didn't care that neither of them had any friends. He didn't care, or perhaps even realize, that their eyes were different colors from everyone else but their Mom's. He wished he could be like that. He wished that he didn't have weird thoughts in his head, these weird worries that he didn't even understand. Eirie acted like nothing in the world bothered him, like any kid his age should act, like how Shi should act, or so his Aunt told him frequently when he asked her strange questions, like why the people on TV talked about the evils of two guys holding hands or why everyone was so worried about the mysterious entity called the `economy'. And yet… when Shi was called names, Eirie cried like the world was coming to the end. It made Shi feel so happy, and so sad, all at the same time. Just another thing he didn't understand. It made him feel frustrated, too, that he was supposedly too young for anyone to understand.

A glint of light suddenly caught his eye and he turned to look towards a nearby grove of trees. Leaning against a tree, twirling a golden pendant that he wore around his neck, was a young blonde boy, a little older than him, or perhaps his own age, it was hard to tell, he couldn't even get a good look at him considering how far away he was. At first Shi thought that he was part of the group that had been playing tag and had simply decided to stay behind, but he realized that, not only had the kid been standing there alone, completely distant from the group, Shi had never seen him before.

`He must belong to the family that's moving in next door,' Shi thought excitedly. It was one thing to have new neighbors, but having a kid around his own age was more than he could have hoped for.

“Hey!” he called, waving over to the boy.

The boy looked over at him shyly, but didn't wave back or approach.

“Shi!”

Shi turned around at the alarmed tone in his brother's voice, terrified that he would find him hurt or that the boy from earlier had returned to attack him, instead, Eirie was comically looking down his nose, his violet eyes huge and wide, as a gold, purple, and blue butterfly perched perfectly on his nose, its wings lethargically moving, completely at peace with the fact that it had landed on a human, as though it were unafraid. Shi couldn't help the shocked, exuberant laugh that burst from his throat at the sight. Eirie was standing completely still, scared that he would scare the delicate creature off.

“It must be a magic butterfly,” a soft voice said from next to Shi.

Shi stiffened at the sudden presence of the boy, it was like he had teleported. More shocking than his presence, was his appearance. Shi studied him, his face feeling hot, though he had no idea why. He wasn't shy normally, but he suddenly felt that way presented with a stranger. He was tall, like Shi was, though Shi thought that the boy was slightly older than him, he was pale like him, too. Oddly, he had long blonde hair, too, but his was very pale, almost white, while Shi's was more golden, and the kid's hair was entwined in a loose braid, not a ponytail. Suddenly, the boy glanced over at him and Shi felt as frozen as his little brother was. The strange boy had two different colored eyes. If that weren't strange enough, they were colors that Shi had only ever seen on his mother, or at least the right one was. No, actually it was a different shade of purple, like lavender or something, not quite as bluish purple as his mother and brother. His left was gold, like a cat's eye, as gold as the tiny pendant he wore over his black shirt.

The boy noticed Shi entranced with his eyes and quickly looked away, a blush as deep as Shi's spreading over his fair cheeks. Shi saw that Eirie had dared to look over at the strange boy, though he still wouldn't move.

“Either that,” the boy continued with a soft smile that made Shi's heart beat faster for some reason, “Or he really, really likes you.”

“Really?” Eirie asked in a tiny voice, scared that the sound would make the strange butterfly go away, “It likes me?”

“That, or it's not a butterfly at all,” the boy seemed to ponder. Eirie looked confused, thinking that the concept that the butterfly could not be a butterfly at all was a strange one.

“But what else could it be?” he asked.

“Maybe it's really a fairy in disguise,” the boy said in an amused, indulgent tone that their mother often used when she was telling Eirie bed time stories. Shi didn't realize that he often took on the same tone when he was talking to his little brother.

“A fairy?!” Eirie said excitedly.

When the butterfly didn't fly off at his loud exclamation, Eirie got the courage to cup his hands around it. To their shock, the butterfly crawled into the little boy's hand, it's wing fluttering slowly.

“He must really, really love you,” the new boy said with a small laugh.

Shi immediately thought that it was a nice laugh and was immensely glad that the boy wasn't too shy to be completely cold to them. Eirie lifted his hands in the air and shook them.

“Go on, Mr. Fairy, go find your family!” he said, giggling when the large butterfly, almost obediently, fluttered off again.

“So, where'd you hear all this fairy business from?” Shi asked the blonde boy.

The boy glanced at him with a strong shyness that made Shi feel bad for him. The boy looked away again, so Shi was surprised when he spoke.

“My father told me when I was his age,” the boy murmured, looking at Eirie, who was still focused on the butterflies, “He said that butterflies were really fairies in disguise and they took the pollen off the flowers to bring back to their fairy queen. When she gets enough pollen, she makes glimmering, golden gowns out of it. During the day, the gowns turn to daffodils. During the night, they turn into stars in the sky. During the full moon, all the fairies wear the gowns and throw great balls to celebrate all of the life and nature around them.”

Shi was mystified by the elegant story the boy told and had the sudden urge to tell him that, if there was such thing as golden, fairy gowns, the strands would look as pretty as his white-gold hair, but also thought he would die of embarrassment if he actually said such a thing. He already felt embarrassed, blushing a bright red, and he had only thought it. Boys' hair wasn't pretty, only girls', everyone knew that. But he still thought this kid's was. Shi was suddenly overwhelmed by a feeling of peace. He realized that he had never stood side by side with another person like this, knowing that he wasn't being judged and the kid didn't hate him. They had talked to each other! And Eirie looked so happy… and Shi felt happy, which he supposed wasn't so rare, but right now, it just felt like so much. He wanted to hug his little brother and their new neighbor, feeling incredibly glad that, not only were he and Shi getting along, but this boy was getting along with his brother, too.

“Vel!” a shrill, feminine voice broke through the mood in the air, effectively destroying it, and the boy flinched. He looked at Shi with that same shyness, but this time he opened his mouth to say something, only no sound came. He closed his mouth just as quickly and ran off to the direction of his house. Shi tried to say goodbye to him but, oddly, the words got caught in his throat and he felt like he was struggling against some sort of strange, oppressive force, like a fear that, if he reached out like that, the boy would only throw it back in his face. It wouldn't be the first time he had tried to make a friend, only to learn that no one wanted him as one.

Eirie ran to Shi's side and grabbed his larger hand, clinging on to his older brother.

“He's neat,” he chirped.

Shi smiled down at him.

“Yeah, I guess so,” he mused.

“Can we meet him again tonight?” Eirie asked excitedly.

“Maybe, we'll have to ask Mom,” Shi pointed out.

Eirie grinned at the prospect of meeting their new friend again and let go of Shi to run over to their swing set. Shi chased after him, helping him onto the swing and pushing him, but his mind staid on their new neighbors and the odd colors of his eyes.

 

*****

 

They never did get to the see the new neighbors. They had finished their dinner, and after much insisting, Eirie had managed to convince their mother that they should say hi, but when they had knocked on the door, no one had answered it, the car in the driveway had disappeared, and the house had been dark. Eirie had said it was a mystery and had gotten a little spooked at the thought that the house might be haunted, but Shi assured him that they just went out to dinner.

Shi had a hard time sleeping that night. He lied awake for much longer than he usually did, wondering about the blonde boy they had met. He was consumed by the image of his different colored eyes, feeling a deep sense of hope and excitement that, finally, there was someone else in his world besides his mom and his brother that was different, like he was. The boy seemed lonely, too. Shi was sure, with how shy the boy had acted, he would have a very hard time finding friends. Selfishly, he hoped that he could be the boy's first friend and that they would see each other again soon.

It seemed like he had only been asleep for a few seconds when he woke up again. He opened his scarlet eyes to Eirie shaking him, his eyes wide with fright and his pale cheeks covered in tears.

“Shi, Shi!” the redhead was pleading.

“What is it?” the blonde asked gruffly, still half asleep.

“There's a monster in my closet,” Eirie whispered, as though he thought the creature would hear him.

Shi didn't complain or sigh at his distraught brother, he gathered him into his arms and held him tight.

“Hey,” he soothed, stroking the two year old's brilliant, red hair, “It's ok, the monster can't get you when I'm here, right?”

Eirie nodded, burying his face in his older brother's neck. He knew that Shi would protect him from all the bad, scary things, but he was still frightened.

“It had gold eyes,” he murmured, sniffling a little.

“Gold?” Shi asked, “You mean like McAllen's black cat?”

Eirie shook his head frantically, reveling in the strength of his brother, trusting him to make him feel better and to make the monster go away.

“No, like they were on fire,” he whispered, still scared of what he had seen, “It was staring at me from my closet, it was watching me sleep. And there was all this red, icky stuff everywhere.”

Shi continued to stroke his hair, the pieces finally falling into place.

“You just had a bad dream,” he told him, “I told you, Eir', no monster is ever going to get you.”

Eirie sniffed.

“But it was so scary,” he murmured.

“I'm sure it was,” Shi gave him a soft smile, “But Mom will be really worried if you're not in your bed in the morning.”

Eirie buried his head against Shi again and shook his head in denial.

“No, I won't go back there!” he cried.

Shi lifted his little brother easily and rolled out of his bed and onto his feet.

“Alright, we'll go together,” he negotiated.

“You'll check my closet for me?” Eirie asked him, though he already knew the answer.

“Of course I will. No stinkin' monster is going to get my baby brother!” Shi promised.

“Not a baby,” the two year old pouted, but clung tight to his brother as they left his bedroom and went to Eirie's.

The door had been flung open and Shi was surprised he hadn't woken at the sound. Similarly, Eirie's sheets had been carelessly tossed aside in a rush. He wasn't surprised, though. His little brother often had vivid nightmares that he had a hard time separating from reality. This wasn't the first time that Eirie had dreamt of blood and a fiery eyed monster in his closet, but Shi didn't think that Eirie realized it. Or maybe he just thought it was the same monster, visiting him over and over again.

Shi diligently put his little brother on his bed and checked the closet. He made a big show of it, showing Eirie that there couldn't possibly be anything, even a stray mouse, in the small space.

“See, nothing there,” he said. Eirie seemed to be less afraid, but his eyes were still wide as he looked up at the blonde.

“Can you sleep with me?” he asked in a small voice.

This also was not the first time that the two brothers had ended up in bed together over Eirie's nightmares, but it didn't bother Shi. It was a bit comforting, like sleeping with a teddy bear, and he knew Eirie didn't have bad dreams when someone slept with him.

“Sure thing,” he agreed.

Shi grabbed the little desk chair Eirie had, closed the closet doors, and wedged the door under the nob.

“There, now no scary monster can ever get out,” he said as he slipped into bed with the smaller boy.

Eirie quickly curled up against him, feeling the last of his fear leave him as his brother wrapped his arm around him.

“Thanks, Shi,” he murmured sleepily.

“Night, silly,” Shi said just as tiredly.

Eirie fell asleep within seconds, making Shi smile fondly in the darkness of the room, lit only by the lights streaming through the window from outside and the little nightlight he had by the bed. Watching his little brother sleep soundly, his nightmare long forgotten, Shi suddenly felt an overwhelming love for him. He held him tightly, remembering the boy from earlier today that had threatened him and he felt a rare rage combine with that love.

For a moment, Shi was shocked by his own anger. He never threw temper tantrums and was incredibly patient with kids younger than him, but if someone did something bad to his parents or his brother, he would feel consumed with this… fury, and it scared him. One night, back when Eirie had still been an infant, his mother had come home very upset and had told their father that one of her students had tried to feel up during class. Their father had held her and soothed her and she had been fine after that, but Shi had felt so angry, he had run into his room and had punched the wall. He hadn't even known what his mom had been talking about, but her tone had been so sad, so different and wrong, he had immediately hated that student, had even wanted him to die, and he had, in turn, hated himself for thinking like that.

He had never actually hurt anyone, though, and that was the important thing, right? All he knew was, he loved his little brother more than anything else in the world and if anyone hurt him… well, all he wanted to do was protect Eirie, from the world if he had to. He remembered him as a baby, so vividly, how he had rocked his tiny form when he had cried, how the baby had gripped at his long bangs and had smiled at him. He wanted to protect that smile… no matter what he had to do to do it.

 

*****

 

Shi supposed that everyone in his school were ecstatic when Monday came around and a teacher strike flared up, so classes were cancelled until further notice, but when your mother was a teacher, it was hard to really enjoy the reprieve. His mom seemed anxious that she wasn't allowed to go to work, and even though Shi didn't really understand all of it, he knew that she was scared about losing money, maybe even her job. He had no idea what was going to happen if she did.

Eirie, too young to even know what a strike was or why both his mother and his brother were home, was just excited that Shi could play with him. He really wanted to go to the park, but their mom said that she needed to stay by the phone and their dad had to go into work. Eirie was also glad that his mom was home so he didn't have to go to work with his dad. His mom didn't like hiring babysitters and his dad had a great big office for him to play in, but it was soooo boring. He'd rather go to school with Shi, so he could play with him instead.

Shi took his little brother out to the field again, feeling a thrill of excitement at the idea that their new neighbor might be out there again, but he was nervous. He was nervous that the empty house of last night was some sort of omen and he would never see the other blonde again. He was also nervous that he would see him again and would make a fool of himself. For a moment, he considered just telling Eirie that they would play on the swing set, but the second he unlatched the fence door, Eirie was off running into the tall, wheat grass.

There were no butterflies out today, as it was colder and the sky was filled with a few grey clouds, but Eirie quickly found a group of grasshoppers and amused himself with them. To Shi's delight, his eyes quickly found the form of the new boy, leaning against the same exact tree as yesterday. Shi felt a small fear that the boy would run when he saw him, remembering how shy he had been, but their eyes met and the boy staid, even as Shi ran up to him. The small smile the boy wore when he saw him made Shi's heart feel weird, tight and hot at the same time.

“Hey,” Shi greeted with a wide smile.

“Hi,” the boy said in a small voice, making Shi's heart tighten further.

“I'm Shi Matthews,” he greeted, struggling not to stammer in his nervousness.

“Vel Collins,” the boy said, “I just moved in.”

“I know,” Shi said, “My family and I tried to visit you guys last night, but you weren't there.”

“We don't have any food yet, so we went out to dinner,” Vel explained.

“I thought so,” Shi said with a smile.

“That your little brother?” Vel asked as he watched Eirie play in the grass. Shi nodded.

“He's cute,” Vel smiled.

“Yeah, he can be,” Shi grinned.

“I have a little brother, too,” his new friend told him, “His name's Taka. Maybe I'll bring him around some time so he and your brother can play together.”

“I think Eirie would like that. Hey, how old are you?” Shi suddenly blurted out.

“Ten,” Vel told him.

“You're three years older than me!” Shi grinned. Vel gave him a wide eyed look and Shi was momentarily struck by the different colors of his eyes.

“Really?” Vel asked incredulously, looking Shi over.

The younger blonde was the same height as him, making him much taller than other boys his age, and he just had a look to him that had made Vel assume he was at least his age, maybe older, so it was strange that he was so much younger. He didn't talk like a little kid, either.

“You have any friends yet?” Shi continued to question the boy. Vel shook his head.

“J… just you…” he said nervously, as though he didn't dare to be so bold as to assume he and Shi were now friends just because they were having a conversation. He felt his anxiety ebb out of him at Shi's obvious relief at his naming him his friend. He felt an odd… kinship to the other boy, especially since yesterday, having heard the other kids tease him about his eyes.

Neither of his parents had Vel's eye mutation. His little brother didn't, either, so, despite his shyness, he felt good, having someone around his age that had the same problem. He still felt guilty about it, though, like he was glad Shi had no friends and was teased just because it made him feel less lonely.

“Do you have any other siblings?” Vel asked Shi. He was eager to learn more about his new friend. He was too shy to admit to the other boy that Shi was his first friend. He had been just as alone in his other town as here.

“Nah,” Shi told him, “It's just Mom, Dad, Eirie, and me. We don't even have any pets.”

“We have a black and white cat named Jerry,” Vel said, “But I'm just with Taka and my Mom.”

“Didn't your Dad come with you?” Shi asked and immediately wished he could take it back when Vel looked at the grass under them in a mix of shame and sadness.

“My parents got divorced. That's why we moved, my dad told her she couldn't stick around any more,” he murmured.

“Why would they do that?” Shi asked softly, amazed that Vel would even want to say these things to him.

“Mom was seeing someone else. Dad found out… so he didn't want to be married to her anymore,” Vel told him.

“Why was she doing that, didn't she love him anymore?” Shi asked in astonishment. It hurt to think that, one day, his mother would stop loving his father, or vice versa. He couldn't imagine that happening and couldn't imagine how much it had hurt Vel.

“She still loves him,” Vel tried to explain, “But Dad didn't love her. She felt lonely and went to someone else, to spite him.”

Vel leaned against the tree again and looked up at the sky.

“He wanted Taka,” Vel murmured and Shi wondered if he had even meant for him to hear.

“He wanted Taka, but not me. He said I wasn't his, because of my eyes, and because I'm nothing like him, but Taka has his eyes. I don't think Mom wanted me, either,” Vel's voice was small and lost and Shi suddenly felt like he had known him for years.

“That's stupid,” he snapped, “Eirie doesn't look anything like our dad, and I don't look like our mom, but we're brothers, and no matter what our parents believe, nothing is ever going to change that!”

Vel looked at him with a strange expression, respecting the other boy and feeling warmed by his words. No one had ever said something like that to him before. His mother was always so cold to him and Taka was too young to understand how painful it was living with her. Their father never talked to him anymore, even when he tried to visit Taka. He didn't say these things to Shi, but he was sure that he understood because when he looked at him, he could see it in Shi's beautiful, ruby eyes.

“My mom is very strict,” Vel confessed, “She loves Taka more than me, I can see that, because he's normal. Not like me…”

“Normal is overrated,” Shi snorted, “My mom, Eirie, and I aren't normal, but that doesn't mean we don't deserve to have people that care about us, right? So you have different colored eyes, who cares? It's not like they make you… deranged or something!”

Shi spoke so passionately, Vel couldn't think of a single argument against him. It was so strange, in a single moment, Shi had dispelled all of his fears and had made him feel confident about himself. No one had ever made him feel this way before. His mom simply did not care how he felt about her treatment. It seemed like only Taka liked him in his family, but his little brother certainly didn't understand why he was sad or distant from their mother.

“Hey, what's that medallion thing you're wearing?” Shi pointed to the glittering pendant that hung around Vel's neck. Vel touched the tiny thing with pale fingertips.

“It's Saint Christopher,” Vel told him.

Shi raised a gold eyebrow at him.

“Whose that?”

“The patron saint of travelers,” Vel told him.

“I never heard about him in church,” Shi pointed out, “Did your mom just give you that `cause you moved?”

“No, I've been wearing it for years. My mom insists I wear it. You probably don't know about the saints because I bet your family goes to the protestant church I saw when we drove around last night. My mom's Catholic, so we go to a different church.”

“What's the difference?” Shi asked in confusion. He knew that Jewish people and Muslims and Christians and Buddhists were all different, but the differences between different Christians was confusing to him. He didn't see the point in having religion anyway. It was just annoying having to get up every Sunday morning and he sure didn't feel `spiritual' after church, just glad that it was over.

“I have no idea,” Vel said, just as puzzled.

The two boys shared a laugh.

“What's so funny?” Eirie demanded, running over to them, which only made them laugh harder, just because they felt so happy to share something together.

Vel looked up at the sky and his smile grew. Happy… he could see why this feeling was seen as such a good thing…

 

 

End Part 1

 

Well, here it is, the prequel and sister fic to The Road to Kindness. This first story is Shi's life up before he officially meets Duo when Duo is twelve. Just to give you all a perspective on the timeline, Shi is ten years older than Duo.

 

As most of you know, this is also my Nanowrimo submission, so any feedback is hugely appreciated. After this month is over, this won't be worked on until next November and also when RTK is finished, unless I get a huge amount of feedback on it. There's no point in giving this a huge amount of focus when I should be working on RTK if no one likes this story. So far, only Shi and Solo's stories are mapped out. I'm in the middle of working on Amaaya's. I also hope everyone picks up on the parallels to The Roads to Kindness in this fic. There are a lot of them, and some of them are only obvious if you re-read the first five chapters of RTK. I'm actually thinking of pointing them out in footnotes so they won't be missed.