Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Poisoned Memories: Ghost and Shadows ❯ Part 2 ( Chapter 2 )

Poisoned Memories

 

Story 1: Ghosts and Shadows

 

Author's Notes: The first part of this story, I am well aware, was kind of boring. Really, I just needed to introduce Shi's family problems and his new friendship with Vel. Consider it a kind of prologue, because this part is where things really start to go bad in Shi's life. If you've read Road to Kindness, you know what's going to happen. If you don't remember, it's in Chapter Five, the very first part, in the paragraph that first introduces the other prostitutes. Well, it's not exactly a spoiler…

 

 

Part 2

 

 

Shi hated school. It was bad enough that he could clearly hear what his classmates whispered about him when they thought he wasn't paying attention or that he knew how much they didn't trust him with his creepy eyes, long hair, and height, it wasn't even bad enough that he wasn't bright and couldn't remember dates and figures like most of the other kids, though he got by well enough by what his dad called `street smart': intuition, common sense, experience, and old-fashioned luck. No, what really sucked about school laws that he actually had a friend, but because of their age difference, they never had any classes together, not even gym. It made him feel worse than before he had met Vel. It made him feel like nothing had changed, but at the same time, he felt anxious to see him, he heart beating faster and faster the more time passed him by.

It felt maddening, to be lonely and happy, frustrated and excited, all at once. He wondered if everyone felt this way towards their best friend, if everyone thought about that person as much as he found thoughts about Vel plaguing him. Looking at the friendships around him, how the same kids sat together, whispering and giggling when they thought the teacher wasn't looking, Shi realized that his and Vel's relationship was a bit… different.

The most obvious was the three years difference between them. The younger kids didn't hang out with the older kids, ever, even if they were just one grad above them. It terrified Shi to think of Vel going to high school in just two years. He wasn't quite sure why that thought scared him so much, it was like he thought, if he let Vel out of his sight for that long, he would lose him. What if, when Vel went to high school, he got a different best friend, his heart would scream at him. That sort of feeling was call jealousy, right? But boys didn't get jealous over their friends getting new friends, that was a chick thing.

It couldn't be normal, this irrational fear of Vel not liking him anymore. Yeah, he had never had a friend before, but Vel had been his best friend for two years now and that frantic urge to cling onto him and never let him go had never gone away. Those feelings made him absolutely hate the moments when he couldn't see the other blonde. If he really thought about it, he acted like the stupid, puppy love infected older girls, but there was no way he was actually like those girls. Boys couldn't love other boys, everyone knew that.

Besides, it wasn't like he didn't like girls. He was only nine, but he didn't believe in that dumb cootie thing the other boys did. Girls were pretty and some of them were ok to talk to. HE didn't think that kissing them would be so bad. What he really wanted was to find someone like his mom, someone pretty and kind and smart, marry her, and live `happily ever after', just like his dad had. He wanted something special, but the only person he had something special with was Vel. Pretty… kind… smart… Was it so wrong that when he thought of being in love with someone who had these traits, he could only think of his best friend? But he had no idea what that meant.

Vel really was pretty, though. Everyone said that they looked like twins, they teased them about it all the time, because they were both blonde, tall, and had weird eyes. Shi didn't think they looked alike at all. Vel was much more attractive than he could ever be, his pale hair was so much prettier, and his eyes reminded him of his mother's lavender bell flowers and Vel's friendly cat, who liked Shi more than Taka or Vel's mother for some reason. They were so different from his own hideous red ones that only reminded people of monsters. That's what people thought he was… a monster… everyone except his family and Vel any way. Vel had told him once that he liked his eyes, that they were like rubies. No one had ever told him that before.

Vel was smart, too. The classes for the big kids were harder than Shi's, but Vel was at the top of all of them. It sucked, Shi thought, that Vel was so good at school, but it didn't make him popular. He was so smart, yet Shi realized that he got more attention when he did well in gym (which, with his height was often) than when Vel got a good grade on a hard test. It just didn't seem fair to him. What good was scoring goals going to be if he struggled in classes for the rest of his life?

The way people looked at him during gym, and how he was always picked first for any game, made Shi wonder if he would have been `popular' if it weren't for his eyes, or if there was something else about him that was just as frightening. But… if there was, Vel didn't see it, so maybe it was just his eyes and since he had the same mutation, he was immune to it. Or maybe there was something more to people being scared of him and Vel just didn't care because he was so kind. But he was pretty shy, too…

Shi shook his head at his own strange musings. What did it matter that Vel wasn't scared of him? Vel liked him, they were best friends, and as long as he could hold onto that, nothing else in the world mattered. The bell rang, signaling the end of the class and the beginning of lunch. In his excitement at seeing Vel, Shi was the first one out the door. He spotted Vel in his usual spot, waiting at the lockers by Shi's classroom since Vel's last class met across the hall and their teacher often let them go a few minutes early. This time, Vel wasn't alone. Cornering him against the lockers was a tall boy from Vel's class. Shi strained to hear what they were saying.

“It's no wonder why you're friends with the demonic freak,” the older boy was teasing Vel, “I bet you moved here because he's your long lost brother or something.”

Pain made Vel's bi-colored eyes darken. Shi immediately wanted to beat Vel's classmate into dust, knowing that Vel was thinking of his father's accusations that Vel wasn't his child, that his wife had made him with another man. He hated when Vel got that look.

“Or maybe,” the boy wasn't finished, his expression both malicious and sickened, “the reason why you're so cozy with him is because you're a filthy fag with a thing for little boys.”

Shi stared at the two of them in confusion. What was a `fag', and why did that word make Vel look so angry? He had never seen Vel loose his temper, not once, in the two years they had known each other, but he did now, for a reason Shi couldn't place.

“Shut up, you don't know what you're talking about,” the blonde snarled at his classmate.

Shi was taken aback by his best friend's anger, but instead of being afraid of him, Shi felt enthralled at how the emotion made Vel's eyes look like they had fire contained within them and left the pale boy flushed. Shi was further confused when Vel's classmate laughed instead of backing off, like he found Vel's reaction to his insults amusing.

The boy opened his mouth to reply, but seemed to spot some of his friends coming out of their own classroom and ran down the hall after them without so much as casting a glare in Vel's direction. Shi felt the urge to go after him, just so he could punch him in the face.

“Don't,” Vel suddenly blurted out, his eyes meeting Shi's and Shi realized that he had known Shi had seen the confrontation, “Just let it go, Shi.”

Shi felt the familiar chill of hearing Vel say his name and obeyed. The hurt expression was still on Vel's face, so Shi channeled his angry energy to taking care of his friend.

“Vel, what he said… it's ok,” he tried to soothe him, putting a hand on Vel's shoulder.

Vel only looked more pained at Shi's words and shrugged off Shi's hand, shaking his head, and walked in the direction of the cafeteria. Shi followed, looking like a puppy that had been viciously kicked by its owner, but too loyal to run away, a sharp pain tearing at his heart.

`He hates me,' he thought in absolute misery, `I don't even know what I did wrong, but he hates me. He probably doesn't even want to be friend anymore… he didn't even want me touching him… he probably thinks like everyone else… that I'm a demon…'

Shi couldn't stop the thoughts, even as panic, fear, and self-hatred threatened to tear his insides to shreds. He wanted to cry, to scream, to punch something as hard as he could, but all he could do was follow Vel, mutely, like a shadow, even as he felt hot tears sting his eyes, like he had a hundred slivers of glass in them, but he would never let them fall, he would never let Vel see him cry. What if seeing what a weakling Shi was made Vel hate him even more? But he couldn't lose his best friend, he just couldn't! Was there anything he could do to make him like him again? He couldn't think of anything, his mind was filled with white static as his heart beat wildly in his chest. He wanted to grab Vel, though he had no idea what he could ever say. He couldn't deal with his hatred, with his rejection. He felt so stupid, like a silly, little girl for nearly crying, but it hurt so much… was your heart supposed to hurt like this?

If Vel noticed how quiet he was being, he didn't say a thing about it. Truthfully, Shi didn't dare look at him, so maybe Vel did notice and was looking at him oddly, or maybe he hated him too much to even care anymore. Shi, in a panic, went over everything that had happened since he had gotten up this morning, trying to find some flaw in his actions, something that could explain why Vel had shrugged him off and had walked away like that. If he could find it… then maybe he could fix it in time… But no matter how hard he tried to remember, he couldn't think of anything he had done differently.

He and Vel had walked to school together as they always had. Eirie had kissed him goodbye, something the now four year old hadn't grown out of yet, even though it still embarrassed Shi and little, not enough to ask him to stop, though. His mother had been smiling. She did that more often nowadays, when she saw how affectionate he and Eirie were, and whenever she saw Shi and Vel together. Vel had seemed ok walking to school. He had seemed a little distant, like he had been distracted by something, but he hadn't been cold to him, more like he was just anxious and had his mind on something. So… what had changed?

Had it been in something that other boy had said? But this wasn't the first time someone had joked that they were like brothers. Had it been because of that strange comment, when the boy had called Vel a fag, whatever that was? Or was it because Shi had wanted to hurt that other boy? Though, this also wasn't the first time Shi had felt angry about Vel being bullied. He just couldn't understand it.

The pain, anxiety, and despair that coiled and swirled in his heart continued to wear at him as he acted as he always did, saving a seat for Vel, though he felt immensely more subdued, not even paying any mind to other students around him. He always was the one to save them a table. His mother always made him a lunch, but Vel's mom only ever gave him money to buy food from the cafeteria. It was just one of a hundred things that made Shi think that maybe Vel was right and his mother really didn't love him. Cafeteria food was notoriously terrible, but Vel's mom, who worked the night shift at a hospice ward, had time in the morning to make him lunch, she just didn't seem to care enough to do it. She didn't even wake Vel up to say good night or wake up in the morning to say hello. It had always made him feel sad.

Shi patiently waited for Vel to come to the table and suddenly felt an intense burst of panic. What if Vel never came? What if he ate somewhere else and didn't even want to sit with him anymore? Shi hung his head and, to mask the dark feelings that were clouding everything else, he started to dig out his lunch. His heart jolted when, through his long, spiky bangs, he saw Vel's familiar lower form sit down at the table, placing the tray down gently, as he so often did. However, Vel still didn't speak to him and words clogged in Shi's throat, impatient to get out, but stuck none the less. Shi prayed to God that things would go back to how they had been this morning, hoping that the being that his mother made him worship every Sunday would hear his plea and grant it.

Wasn't that the point of God? To love him and help him when he couldn't help himself? But no God answered him and Vel was just as quiet and strange as always as he started to nibble on his hamburger. Shi should have felt affronted and let down by this non reply from a higher deity, but the prayer had only made him feel silly to begin with, not hopeful. He didn't think that he had ever really believed that God would answer him. If God really existed… he wouldn't give Vel, who was so kind and smart and pretty, a defective mom, right?

Shi started to eat the crisp, fresh grapes his mother had packed for him and felt a huge wave of frustration rise in him as Vel remained quiet. His friend was normally shy and wasn't talkative, but when they were together, Vel was just as involved in their conversations as Shi was. This… silence wasn't natural and Shi hated it. He abandoned his grapes and sharply looked over at Vel. He realized that Vel had spent the last few minutes, not really eating, but poking at the tiny bit of salad on his tray. Shi watched as his friend stabbed at the lettuce, the plastic fork gouging it easily, Vel looking distant again, like he was deep in thought. The pain in his eyes was deeper than before and it hurt Shi just to see it. Had he put that pain there?

“Why do you hate me?” Shi suddenly asked in a voice so small and meek, he didn't recognize it as his own.

Vel's head shot up and he looked completely shocked, as though Shi had slapped him. If anything, Shi's question had brought a whole different kind of pain to Vel's eyes, making Shi want to take back what he had said immediately.

“W-what?” Vel stammered in a choked voice.

Shi looked down at the table, not wanting to see the pain he had put in those violet and gold eyes.

“I don't know what I did to hurt you so bad, but I'm sorry. Whatever I did… I take it back, I take it all back. I just don't want you to hate me anymore… I don't want to stop being your friend,” he murmured.

“I don't want to stop being your friend, either!” Vel nearly shouted, the urgency and panic in his voice making Shi look him in the eye again. He had never heard his friend speak like that before.

“Shi… you haven't done anything to hurt me…” he said in confusion.

“Then why do you hate me?” Shi demanded.

“I don't hate you!” Vel protested, starting to look very frustrated and anxious about Shi's words.

When had he ever made the other boy think he hated him? How could he ever hate Shi? He was his best friend! His only friend, besides his cat… Shi was the one person in his life that he could count on to make him feel better when he was sad, so how could he ever possibly hate him?

“You didn't want me to touch you,” Shi whispered, “And you shook your head at me, like you were ashamed. I don't understand what I did…”

Suddenly, it all clicked into place for Vel and he fought against the urge to groan, both at Shi's lack of confidence and his own ignorance.

“That… all that has nothing to do with you,” he tried to soothe Shi's hurt feelings, but his friend was the most stubborn person he had ever met and refused to give up his anxieties.

“How can't it have anything to do with me?!” Shi cried, “When I touched you… you stopped talking to me!”

“Shi…” Vel said mournfully, “I'm sorry. I never thought that I'd make you think that just because of how I was acting… I didn't like you anymore.”

“Then you really don't hate me?” Shi asked cautiously, wary of his own hope.

Vel nodded and the pain in Shi's heart eased and blissful, wonderful relief filled him.

“My… my dad called this morning,” Vel tried to explain, his voice distant and filled with tightness, as though he were in pain, “He said he was coming in to visit this afternoon. I just thought…” he smiled sadly, looking down at his mutilated salad, “Well, I guess it doesn't matter anymore. The point is, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking about how you felt. I was only thinking about myself…” Vel's voice suddenly dropped so low, Shi was sure he wasn't meant to hear his words, “I guess I'm no better than him after all.”

Shi's hand curled into a fist so tight, his nails cut into his skin hard enough that he felt a tiny trickle of blood go down his palm. He wasn't smart, but he wasn't dumb, either. He could fit the pieces together without Vel going into details about it. His father had promised he would visit and Vel, forever hopeful Vel, had thought that maybe, just this once, his father would want to see him, too, not just Taka. He had hoped his father would show up at school and he would be like Vel had remembered before his mom had cheated, that he would take back all those cruel things he had said and he would have a father again. The reason for Vel's distraction this morning suddenly made sense.

So, his best friend had waited all day long, hoping that his father would show. But, obviously, he never did. Shi wanted to tell Vel that it was ok, maybe his father would still show up, anything to get that horrible, defeated look off his face, but he couldn't, because he knew the truth and didn't want to be the one to lie, which would only make Vel feel worse in the end. He felt so guilty, though, for letting his own, personal insecurities affect him when, all along, it had been Vel who was hurting and he had been too stupid to see it. Mostly, he was mad at his best friend's father, who he thought had to be a terrible person. After all, he didn't like his Aunt Ursula at all, he still spoke to her when she was around. At least Vel's father could try. He put his uncut hand over the other blonde's.

“I'm sorry,” he said, apologizing for several things all at once, “I was acting like a girl… and your dad's a shit head.”

Shi wasn't allowed to say that word, it was one of those four letter words that upset his mom when he said it, but he knew what it meant and it was the best word he could come up with to describing Vel's jerk of a father. Vel smirked at him.

“You weren't acting like a girl, Shi. I hurt your feelings because I kept everything to myself. If I had told you this morning why I was so anxious, you wouldn't have misunderstood,” he apologized.

Shi beamed at him. He was just so happy that he and Vel were still friends, he didn't really care about anything else. He dug into his lunch and Vel ceased attacking his salad, eating the remains. Shi felt his ego get boosted a little when he realized that talking to him about his father had made some of Vel's pain and anxieties go away, at least enough that he was eating.

“Hey,” a thought suddenly occurred to the younger blonde, “What's a `fag'?”

Vel immediately stopped chewing on his lettuce, as though someone had pulled his plug. He quickly swallowed it and stared incredulously at his friend.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?” Shi asked defensively.

Vel shook his head.

“It's nothing, it's just that I keep forgetting how young you are,” he tried to explain.

Shi raised an eyebrow at him.

“How can you forget how old I am?” he asked in confusion.

“Well, you're very tall for your age,” Vel explained, “And you act so mature, I forget that you aren't my age.”

Shi felt pride fill his chest at Vel's words, but fought it back. His mother always said that a proud heart was a foolish one, still, it made him so happy to know that Vel thought he was `mature'.

“Then what does it mean?” he prodded.

“ `Fag' is… well,” Vel hesitated, wondering if he should even be telling Shi this, “Fag just means a guy that likes other guys.”

“But I like you,” Shi said, “Doesn't that make any guy who has a guy friend a fag?”

“No,” Vel said with a shake of his head, “What I mean is, a fag is a guy who likes another guy, like how married people like each other, not how friends like each other.”

Shi's red eyes got a little bit wide at that.

“Guys can like other guys?” he asked, this concept completely new to him.

“They can,” Vel informed him, “One of my cousins is like that.”

“But how?” Shi asked, “Does he think girls are icky or something?”

“I guess,” Vel shrugged, “If a guy can feel that way for a girl, he can feel that way for a guy, right? And not every guy wants babies, and even if he did, he can just adopt. That's what my cousin did.”

Shi pondered over that. He knew that he was too young to even start thinking about that sort of thing, but he wanted to have a family one day. He wanted to have a little kid like Eirie and take care of him. He thought it was so neat, to have something come from yourself like babies did, but they were alive and separate from you, too. He thought he could love a kid like his parents loved him, even though something like that was ages away. And he knew he liked girls, because he thought they were pretty, but didn't he also think, quite often in fact, that Vel was pretty, too? Did that mean he was a fag? It was a strange concept to him, to think of Vel like he thought of the pretty girls in their school, but it didn't disgust him, even a little bit.

“Some people really don't like it when a guy likes another guy,” Vel said, “Though I don't get why. If you love someone, that should just be your business.”

Shi nodded in agreement, but his thoughts were whirling and confused. He liked Vel as a friend, so how could he possibly tell if those feelings made him a fag? How could he tell if he wanted to marry Vel, and not some girl? Vel didn't seem to have anymore information on the subject, going back to his lunch, and Shi was too embarrassed to pry. If only he could find someone that he wasn't embarrassed to talk to, someone he was sure wasn't uncomfortable with guys liking other guys…

 

*****

 

“Mom, how did you know you liked Dad?” Shi asked his mother as the two of them cleaned the dishes that night after supper.

Eirie and his dad were watching TV in the other room, Shi could see them through the doorway, Eirie sitting on their father's lap as they watched cartoons, and he was confident that the sound of the TV would drown out their conversation. The thought of either his father or his little brother hearing what he was saying was embarrassing. He didn't want Eirie to hear because he knew that what he wanted to know was sex stuff and grownups didn't even like kids Shi's age to know about that stuff, let alone Eirie, who didn't even know that word yet. In fact, with the thought of Eirie learning any of that stuff, Shi felt overprotective of him and his innocence.

Shi knew about sex stuff, at least the stuff between a girl and a boy. Danny Webber, who was one of the seventh graders that got to take sexual education, had told him and a bunch of other younger kids all about it. Shi had felt a little bit affronted that his Aunt Ursula's story about storks had turned out to be a lie, but at least he had then understood why his parents had rolled their eyes every time she had told that story. It seemed kind of weird to him, that a guy would put his thing into a girl's thing, but he thought that it was just one of those ideas that he would only understand when he was older.

He wasn't exactly sure why he was so nervous about his dad hearing him talk about this stuff. He didn't know why he was more comfortable talking about it to his mother than his father, but he was.

“I mean,” Shi amended a little, “Before you and he started to date, how did you know you wanted to marry a guy, and how did you know that you wanted to… that Dad was the right guy for you? How did you feel about him?”

Anjaleque stared at her first born son in shock, her pale cheeks blushing a little bit. He was only nine years old and to ask such a question… no it wasn't that he was asking about how she and his father had met so much as how he had asked the question. It was the way that a teenager would ask it and for a moment, she wondered who this little boy was standing next to her, but the moment quickly passed. Shi had always been like this, even when he was younger. He acted so oddly mature, understanding things that she would have never thought a nine year old could understand, things that she was sure that she, at nine, hadn't understood. Maybe it was because he was around Eirie so much and took care of him, that sense of responsibility had forced him to mature faster, or maybe it was just in his nature. She knew that, if she wasn't aware of this part of his personality, she would have given him the same answer she often gave Eirie when he asked where babies really came from, because he didn't believe in all that stork business thanks to the nature shows he watched, he knew storks didn't deliver human babies. She would have told him that, when he was older, he would understand such things, but Shi seemed old enough to understand, old enough to be able to figure things out for himself and cope with the answers that he would find.

“Shi… what you're talking about is love,” she said and as soon as the words were out of her mouth, a strange thought came to her, “When two people care about each other, more than two friends do, when they want to spend their lives together and can't bear to be without each other, that's called love.”

Anjaleque didn't say `when grownups care about each other'. That was how her mother had explained things to her and she remembered how annoyed she had been at the explanation, thinking that what her mother was saying was that only adults could possibly fall in love and that, for some reason, hadn't sat right with her. She reasoned that, if Shi was old enough to ask that question so intelligently, he was also old enough to feel those emotions, which she thought was why he was asking to begin with. A question is seldom asked unless the information is important, that was a concept her mother had often impressed upon her. But the thought of her little boy feeling… love, was so strange. It seemed like not so long ago that she had been teaching him how to walk instead of crawl, and here he was, asking her how to tell if you loved someone…

“When I met your father, I didn't know he was the one at first. Let no one tell you that you can know at first glance, because if you do, you need to know more about that person before… before you can tell them that you love them,” Anjaleque tried to explain, worried that all of this was going over Shi's head, but he nodded in understanding and she continued, feeling proud of his intelligence, “Once I got to know him, however… I felt that I never wanted to be apart of him. More than that… I wanted to raise children with him,” she smiled softly in a way that made Shi's light up with warmth and affection for her, “And here you and Eirie are. I knew your father was right for me because of how my heart felt towards him. Sometimes you can't possibly know if that decision is the right one, you can only follow your feelings.”

Shi chewed on his lip, wondering how he could possibly listen to his heart when the stupid thing was telling him so many things all at once. It was like one of the chattering monkeys at the zoo some times and trying to listen to it only confused him. It told him that Vel was special to him and he never wanted to part with him, like his mom said, but it also told him that Vel could never know about these feelings, because he couldn't possibly feel that way about him. Vel was special, but Shi certainly wasn't. He wasn't even pretty. He felt his mother place her hand on his shoulder and he looked her in the eye.

“Shi, is there a special reason why you want to know these things?” she asked him and Shi felt something cold and hard grip his heart.

“Mom, is it… is it normal for two guys to love each other like that?” he blurted out, finally voicing the thought that had been swirling around and around in his head all day, ever since Vel had taught him what fag was.

Anjaleque felt something like a ball of worms settle in her stomach. It couldn't possibly be… Shi couldn't be gay… She had no idea why the thought was so strong, why she thought she was so sure of his sexuality when he was too young to even be thinking of that, let alone be sure of it. No child could be sure of that sort of thing, right? So how could she be? She didn't even have any sort of malicious thoughts towards homosexuality, but the thought of her son liking men filled her with fear. No matter how a mother felt about that sort of thing, she never wanted her child to be a part of it, would never want to wish that sort of hardship on them. No, she would never be disgusted in her baby. Rather, she was scared of the rest of the world.

Maybe society had come a long way from burning gays at the stake, but not by much. They had civil rights, they could even marry almost universally, but it seemed like not even a month could go by without hearing about some poor boy or girl being killed just because they had dared to love a member of their own gender. How could she feel happy to know that Shi was wondering if he liked boys when there was so much useless hate in the world? And what was worse, there was only one boy Anjaleque could think of that could possibly make Shi ask her these questions.

“Honey, are you talking about Vel?” she asked, almost afraid of the answer.

Shi looked away from her and nodded shyly. He wasn't surprised that she had guessed it, but it was a little bit unsettling. Was it because his affection for Vel was so obvious or had she merely been able to guess because Vel was his only friend?

“I want to be around him all the time, like you said,” he said softly, his eyes gaining a strange heat to them at the mere thought of his feelings for his best friend, a heat and feeling that took his mother's breath away, “And my stomach gets all weird and tingly when he's near me. Sometimes… sometimes I think about him moving away again, or him not liking me anymore, and my chest hurts, really, really badly. When he touches me, even if he just holds my hand, my heart feels like its on fire and it'll burst out of me if I breathe too hard.”

Anjaleque stifled a sigh at her son's explanation of his feelings. She never would have thought she would be having this conversation with any of her children at this age, but here she was, and she truthfully thought she was doing a terrible job of it. She almost laughed at the thought that there should be a handbook for this sort of thing.

“Shi, what you're feeling is love, but feeling that way towards a boy isn't wrong, no matter what anyone says,” she told him.

Shi nodded, suddenly feeling overwhelmed. He loved Vel. He loved his best friend… and he couldn't ever tell him. Even if Vel thought it was ok for a guy to like another guy, there was something deep inside of him, an intense fear that he couldn't explain that was telling him he couldn't tell him.

“Shi, are you ok?” his mother asked him worriedly as she saw how pale his face got suddenly.

“Yeah,” he said in a low voice, “Can I go play with Eirie now?”

Anjaleque noticed it for the deflection that it was and wanted desperately to ask Shi more questions about how he felt about Vel, but nodded, smiling a little as he ran off into the other room. She felt like she was floundering again, but what could she possibly do about this? She couldn't meddle in it, even if she could, she didn't even know where to begin. She finally let her sigh out and went back to the dishes, her thoughts chaotic and confused.

 

*****

 

Shi's mother didn't say anything about what they had talked about afterwards, even as days passed Shi found himself facing the weekend. He was grateful. What more could he say? His mom had helped him realize how he really felt about Vel, that he was in love with him as more than a friend. The day after he had talked to his mother about it, he had felt weird meeting Vel, as he always did, so he could walk to school with him. He felt like he was hiding a huge secret from his best friend, and he was, but the most shocking thing was that, for his enormous epiphany, nothing had changed. He supposed that that was a good thing, he didn't know how he would cope if, his knowing he loved Vel, would make him act differently towards him.

Vel had seemed down for days, which had helped Shi distract himself from his thoughts. Vel's father had never showed up to visit Vel, but he had gone to Taka's school and had withdrawn him for the day, he had even taken him to the park and to a movie, but Vel only knew this because Taka had been so excited about it. Shi could see how this had hurt Vel. Vel loved his little brother, almost as much Shi loved Eirie, though Vel's feelings were heavily tempered by bitterness, awkwardness, and jealousy. Shi mused that it must be hard to love someone when the one person you wanted to love you, loved them instead. It must be even harder to actually love someone and try actively to love them, even when you felt that you hated them. Until that week, Shi hadn't realized that you could love someone and hate them at the same time, but he saw that in Vel, whenever he was around Taka or talked about him.

They didn't talk about it, though. Ever since he had discovered his own feelings, he truly realized that there were some things that became better if you didn't talk about them, and he was sure Vel's pain concerning his parents was one of those things. Shi was practically ecstatic when Friday came around and the weekend seemed to invigorate Vel. He had greeted him Friday morning with a brighter smile and had even started up a conversation, something that went on Shi's shoulders usually. The weekend truly was a magical thing for kids like them. Just the promise of the two friends going out and doing something, maybe going skating or seeing a movie, had lifted Vel's spirits and had made the pain of the last few days disappear for him, or at least had pushed it into the back of his mind.

Even his mother had seemed to be bitten by the excitement bug that week and her mood had only escalated as each week had passed. She had cleaned every inch of their home, even under Shi's bed, which was his chore, not hers, but she had insisted on doing it herself. Every bathroom had been thoroughly scrubbed, but no matter how many times he asked, she refused to tell him why she was in intense cleaning mode. He worried that his aunt was coming over, but his mother would tell him if it was something like that. She always told them when Aunt Ursula visited, probably because she didn't like her very much, either. It was kind of like they shared a secret, because Shi always caught her smirk when her older sister arrived, but she acted like Ursula's visits were the best things ever when the black haired woman was actually around.

Seeing his best friend acting so upbeat, Shi had been in a great mood as the two of them walked home together, but it quickly vanished into one of confusion when Shi spotted the strange car parked in his driveway. Even Vel paused, looking around for who it could possibly be.

“Is one of your relatives visiting?” he asked.

Relatives visiting were one of those things that never happened to Vel, at least not now that they had moved, but seemed to happen to Shi regularly. Vel knew that Shi didn't like Aunt Ursula or his cousins, but the woman visited them a lot. Still, seeing how much the woman bothered his best friend, Vel was glad that he had never met her. He kind of missed his own relatives, but what his mother had done had been made public through both sides of his family. He felt like they had gone into exile. His grandparents wouldn't even take his mother's phone calls.

“No,” Shi told him, shaking his head, “It's not Ursula's car.”

Vel smirked at Shi's audacity to call his aunt by her first name. He loved it when Shi did stuff like that, though he knew Shi loved his mother too much to do it to her face, since he would never want to act so disrespectfully around her. Vel remembered a time when he had loved his mother in exactly the same way, but years of dealing with her distance and bitter feelings towards him had waned his love for her. He still loved her, though, she was his mother after all. But now, every time he saw her, he remembered the moments that he had spent with Shi's mother and how wonderful she had been, so loving and… maternal. She even baked cookies for him when he visited! He had spent his first few visits anxious to the point of nearly panicking that, when she found out about his family history, she would hate him like his own mother did, but even when Shi had told her, she hadn't acted any different. If anything, his plight had made her angry at his mother, which was something that had shocked him and made him love her more.

“You want me to come in?” Vel asked shyly.

Vel's hesitation and shyness was a character flaw that he had tried so very hard to get rid of. He was shy naturally, but it had never been this bad until he had heard his father say those things to his mother. Now, the only times that he wasn't shy were when he was around Shi. There was something about the boisterous boy that made his lack of self-confidence melt away. Of course, this made the times that he wasn't around him that much more painful.

“Nah,” Shi told him, “This is probably why Mom has been so excited this week,” he rolled his eyes, which made Vel laugh, “I'll see you tomorrow, though, right?”

Vel nodded energetically.

“See ya,” he waved and ran down the street to his own house.

Shi waved back at him and glared at the sleek, black sedan that was parked in his driveway. He didn't know anyone who would drive a car like that and though he had told Vel it was ok, he felt this odd little jolt of trepidation, like he knew there was something bad, but couldn't place his finger on it. He shook his head at his own silly thoughts and walked through the front door. It didn't matter who was visiting or that he had never met them before. It wasn't like his parents would let a bad stranger into the house.

A pair of black shoes was sitting next to his brother's little sneakers, looking both alien and unwanted. He paused in taking off his own, larger sneakers and felt a strange, prodding irritation at seeing the shoes next to his brother's. He knelt down and put the strange shoes next to his father's. He immediately felt stupid for doing it, yet relieved at the same time. He walked to the kitchen, hearing his mother's familiar voice, coupled with a deeper, masculine one, and paused in the doorway, unnoticed. Sitting at their kitchen table was his mother and a man that he had never seen before. The stranger was large looking, though he wasn't fat, he was just tall with a solid frame, unlike his father's lanky one. His jet black hair was odd looking to Shi, because at the same time that it gave the man a wild, powerful appearance, it wasn't messy, it had been cut and combed with meticulous care, reminding Shi of the bigwig, company executives he saw on TV. He couldn't see the man's eyes, since his back was to Shi. Both the man and his mother were drinking coffee from mugs, though the man seemed hesitant, as though he thought the dollar store mugs were beneath him, but Shi could hear them talking about his little brother, which made him feel angry for some reason. He heard someone come up behind him and knew that it was his father.

“Whose he?” Shi asked in a tight voice.

“Your grandfather,” his father said softly.

Shi whirled to look at him in the eye.

“Huh? But what's he doing here?” he demanded.

Shi had never met the man before and when he had asked his mother about why that was, she had never had an answer for him. So why was the guy showing up now? It annoyed him just as much as seeing the strange shoes next to his brother's. That's all the man was to him, a stranger. Why should he have to meet him? If he was his grandfather, he should have showed up before now!

His father sensed the anger in him and placed a hand on his head to soothe him.

“Easy, Champ. Your mother hasn't seen her dad since before we were married,” Jonathan told his son.

Shi's angered eyes softened into one of confusion and sadness.

“Why not?” he asked. No one ever talked about his mom's family, not even his aunt, and he couldn't help but be curious.

“Because, a long time ago, your grandfather and your mom had a big fight and they haven't spoken since,” his dad said.

“But that's silly,” Shi protested, “You and I fight sometimes, but we always talk again sooner or later.”

Jonathan smiled fondly at his son.

“There fight was a bit worse than ours, sweetie. Now, why don't we give the guy a break, for your mother's sake if nothing else,” he suggested.

Shi looked back at his mother and saw the bright smile on her face as she talked animatedly. She looked so happy… her expression made him feel happy, too, and he wouldn't do anything to make her lose that look. He sighed.

“Fine. But only `cause he's mom's Dad and she loves him. But I won't love him!” Shi compromised.

However, when Shi looked at his grandfather, he felt a strange warmth inside. This was his mother's father, his family… he didn't like his aunt, but maybe he would like his grandfather, and that would be nice, right?

Jonathan ushered his son into the kitchen, gaining his father in law's and wife's attentions. He understood what Shi was feeling very well. When Anjaleque had gotten a call from her estranged father a few days ago, he had been leery to meet the man. It wasn't just that he was worried of the man's opinion of him, the bastard that had impregnated his daughter and taken her away, he just plain didn't like the man, especially after the way he had treated his Anjaleque. If he had had his way, he would have made sure the jackass never got the chance to meet his family, but Anjaleque desperately wanted to rebuild bridges with her family and have him meet his grandchildren, so Jonathan felt that he really didn't have the right to have a say in this.

The blonde adult smiled as his younger son crept down the steps and joined his older brother, slipping his hand into Shi's. Eirie had been in his bedroom when the man had knocked on the door and he had been too shy to come downstairs, but now that his brother was here, he wasn't afraid anymore. Shi smiled down at his little brother, ruffling his bright red hair. Eirie wrapped both his arms around Shi's longer arm and pressed against his stronger body.

“He's scary,” Eirie whispered to him like it was a great big secret, looking at his grandfather.

“Ah, he's not so bad,” Shi assured him, disregarding something inside of him that agreed with his brother, “Why don't we say hi?”

Eirie looked like he wanted to say no, but refused to let go of his brother, so when Shi moved forward, so did he.

“Oh, Shi, you're home,” their mother said as they walked towards the table, smiling brightly at how Eirie clung to his brother. She stood from the table and her father followed her. When he turned to greet them, Eirie buried his face into Shi's side. Shi was too much in awe to wonder why his brother was suddenly so frightened.

Their grandfather was indeed `scary' as Eirie had said, his features handsome, powerful, and intimidating, but Shi's entire focus was on his eyes. His grandfather's eyes were a mix of yellow, gold, red, and orange, looking like a deep sunset, or like they were on fire. They were different from Shi's own blood-red eyes, but he felt an incredible affinity to the man. This was the origin of his own, oddly colored eyes, he thought. Sure, his grandfather's eyes had probably come from someone else, but his grandfather was also the oldest family member he had ever met. Truthfully, the man didn't even look that old. Weren't grandfathers supposed to be really old, with white hair? But there wasn't a single strand of grey among the raven hair that reminded him of his aunt's.

Then again, most of his classmates' mothers were much older than his own mother, so he thought it would be weird if his grandfather was too old. All he really cared about was how much he loved his grandfather, now that he realized he was like him. He was `different'.

“You must be Shi,” his grandfather said with a smile that made Shi's skin crawl in what he thought was excitement, “Your mother has been telling me all about you and your little brother.”

When his grandfather greeted him, Shi thought he was going to coddle him, to treat him like his age, like his aunt always did, pinching his cheek and cooing at him annoyingly, but to his pleasant surprise, his grandfather shook his hand. Shi felt pride fill him, feeling like a proper adult at the greeting.

“And this little guy must be Eirie,” the black haired man's smile grew and Shi's wariness of him eased a bit as he ruffled Eirie's hair and picked him up like his father often did. Eirie shrieked happily at the sudden attention as he found himself in his grandfather's arms.

“Well, aren't you the cutest little thing?” their grandfather cooed.

Eirie wrinkled his nose like a puppy.

“'M not cute,” he protested.

“Of course not,” their grandfather grinned, “My mistake. You're handsome, not cute.”

Eirie blushed at the compliment.

“Are you really my granddad?” the little boy asked.

“I sure am,” the man said.

“How come I never met you before?” Eirie asked.

Shi tensed and he could feel his father become anxious, too, worried that his grandfather would tell Eirie the truth. He hated lying to his little brother, but he knew it would bother Eirie to know that his mother and her father hadn't spoken in so long because of a fight.

“Well, little one, I live sooooo far away, it took me this long just to see you!” the man explained, tickling the boy in his arms, making him giggle.

Shi smiled at the scene, feeling an odd peace settle over him, seeing his mother and little brother so happy by what was happening.

“Cree,” his father said as he approached them and Shi realized that that was his grandfather's name, “My name's Jonathan. It's a pleasure to meet you.”

Jonathan stretched out his hand to shake his father in law's. Shi watched in alarm as his grandfather finally noticed his father and a darkness settled into his orange eyes. He immediately wanted to grab his little brother and take him away from his grandfather, worried that he and his father were going to fight, but the moment passed as Cree shifted Eirie to his shoulder and shook Jonathan's hand, though the darkness remained in Cree's eyes and everyone looking could tell that he was reluctant.

“Shi, honey, why don't you show your grandfather the upstairs?” Anjaleque asked her son, hoping that her father and her sons could connect despite her father's obvious hatred of her husband.

“Ok,” Shi nodded and led the newest member of their little family up to their rooms.

 

*****

 

Shi watched their grandfather play with his brother, feeling like he was in some sort of strange, surreal situation. Being with Vel, thinking about hanging out together over the weekend, seemed worlds away from now, being with his grandfather, whom he had barely known existed until a few hours ago. Watching his grandfather be so playful with Eirie was strange by itself, like watching a full grown grizzly bear play with a newborn fox kit. The black haired man could crush the tiny redhead with one hand, but he was acting so gentle around him. Shi still wasn't sure what to make of the strange man, but he was immensely glad that Eirie had another family member in his life, that he could spend his childhood knowing at least one of his grandparents.

Cree could call himself their grandfather, but Shi didn't know anything else about him, but he wanted to know. Their family wasn't very big, they weren't even close to Ursula and her kids, and it would be nice to have someone besides his parents and little brother to talk to. Shi suddenly grinned as he thought about telling Vel about all this and what he would think. It made him feel guilty, though, Vel didn't have a very big family, either and Shi doubted that he ever would, if they hated his mother so much. At the very least, they could try to help Vel, he was just an innocent bystander. But Vel was so damn nice, he wouldn't think the way Shi was thinking, he would only be happy for Shi. He decided that he would definitely call his best friend and tell him what was happening over here, he was sure that the other blonde would love a bit of good news, even if it was someone else's.

Shi looked away from his brother as his mother walked in, suddenly wearing a beautiful white dress that he thought made her look more angelic than the ones in the stained glass windows at church, or one an elf princess in some idealistic fairy tale. It made him blush a little, because he hardly ever saw his mother look that way. She was smiling so happily, wearing glittery earrings he had never seen before and beautiful bracelet that suited her slender wrist. She dressed up for church, but never like this.

“Dad, Jonathan and I are going to go now,” she said and there was a hint of excitement in her voice.

“Ok,” Cree said, just as entranced by his daughter's sudden transformation into a glowing young woman as her son was. The Anjaleque he had always known had worn jeans and slacks, never a dress, and never one as classy and pretty as this one.

“Where are you going, Mommy?” Eirie piped in, too young to understand that his mother dressing up in this way was important.

Anjaleque smiled softly at her younger son and Cree's heart stopped at the sight of it. That smile was so motherly… it seemed strange to see it on his youngest daughter's face, but at the same time, it also suited her. She was so beautiful, he had always known that, but seeing her with her children, he fully understood it for the first time since she had been a baby. He wondered where that beauty came from, because she looked nothing like him, and had no even one similarity to his ex-wife. That beauty was echoed in her son's, Cree would never think that it came from Jonathan. No, though Shi looked a lot like his father, Cree refused to think that the boy's features, his obvious intelligence, his long hair, and those intense eyes, had anything to do with his father.

Anjaleque knelt down to run her fingers through Eirie's red hair that was so like hers.

“Your dad and I are going out to dinner, honey, but your brother and your granddad are going to look after you, ok?” she said gently, not wanting Eirie to panic.

In Shi's memory, since Eirie had been born, his parents had never gone out to dinner, just the two of them. His mother didn't trust babysitters that they didn't know, so they had always eaten as a family, but now that their grandfather was here, Shi could see that they were eager to have some time to themselves. He was old enough to understand that parents needed such time and how excited his mother was to finally be alone with their father for a little while. So, even though he still wasn't sure about being alone with the stranger that was their grandfather, he couldn't begrudge them the opportunity.

Eirie, however, was still too young to understand anything besides the fact that his parents were leaving him for the longest time ever, for the first time in his life. His lip quivered, but he didn't cry. Shi felt a burst of pride for his brother, that even at four years old, he was strong enough, well behaved enough, not to throw a temper tantrum.

“Now, don't worry,” Anjaleque soothed his fears, “I know that being with new people is scary, but Shi will play with you, and your granddad is going to order you guys some pizza. Doesn't that sound nice?”

Eirie instantly brightened at the mention of pizza, his favorite food. Their parents tried not to be health nuts, but they understood the error of letting their kids have too much junk food, so they didn't have pizza all that often. Shi couldn't decide if the food choice was to make dinner easier on their grandfather or if it was a kind of bribe, so Eirie wouldn't fuss.

“I'll take care of everything,” Cree assured his daughter, “Just enjoy yourself.”

Anjaleque blushed a little and Shi realized that it must be just as strange to her as it was to him and Eirie, to have her father back in her life so suddenly. He tried to imagine what it would be like if his own father disappeared for years, and how he would feel if he suddenly showed up again. It made him want to try to be close to his grandfather, and to try to convince Eirie to get along with him, too. This desire grew even stronger when Anjaleque suddenly hugged Cree tightly, who hugged her back just as earnestly.

“I'm glad to have you back, Dad,” she whispered, “I missed you.”

She had been too wary to admit it at first, but watching how her father treated Eirie and Shi, she couldn't deny that he had changed. He was a different man than the one she had left to take care of her sick brother, just so she could have a taste of freedom, a life of her own. He looked incredibly the same, like he had been frozen in time, which had made her worried that his actions, his personality, was exactly the same, a man who cared more about power, rules, and appearances than the welfare of his own family. She berated herself for thinking that way now, though.

Her father had been almost as young when he had had Ursula as Anjaleque had been when she had had Shi, only seventeen years old. He had only been twenty-four when Anjaleque had been born, so even now, in his late forties, only two years before his fifties, it would have been stranger for her to see old age on her father's fairly young face, but nine years seemed like such a long time for her, almost impossible regarding the amount of time she had last seen any member of her family. Maybe the death of his only son had really changed him, or maybe it was all those years alone, Anjaleque didn't know, but he was different. It wasn't that he was softer, or maybe he was, she honestly couldn't tell. She didn't know what was different, but that difference was there.

When Anjaleque had answered the phone, only a few days ago, and had heard her father asking her for the right to see his grandchildren, she had been terrified that her father, so true to the version of him that she remembered from her childhood, would be so consumed with anger over what she had done, her slight to his pride, that he wanted revenge, or that, because of his stubbornness and pride, he would end up destroying her family like he had his. All she remembered in that moment was her fear of the man as a child, and her boundless love. He had seemed to instill that trait in everyone that was close to him, a terrible fear and hatred of him, as well as a terrible love for the man. But now… he seemed so subdued, just studying her two boys, and she hoped… more than anything, she hoped that she could dare risk letting him back in her life.

“I missed you, too,” Cree replied. Anjaleque noted that he didn't say he was sorry, but didn't mention it. She didn't want to start a fight in front of her boys, but mostly, she was just so tired of fighting with him, especially over something that didn't even matter.

Eirie watched his parents go with a wide-eyed expression and Shi wondered why his little brother was so scared to be alone with their grandfather. He had been fine when they had been playing, but now he acted like he would do anything to make his parents stay. Still, Shi could see that Eirie was starting to except the inevitable and Shi prepared himself for the question he knew was coming the second their parents left.

“Shi, I want to stay up with you!” Eirie demanded.

Shi sighed. He supposed that Eirie was like every little kid his age and was just trying to be like his brother, but Eirie knew the rule about his bedtime and Shi didn't want to feel guilty over denying him his wish, but with his parents gone, it was his responsibility.

“Eir', you know the rules,” Shi said, crossing his arms over his chest, “Besides, you'll be sleepy long before me.”

“Nu-uh!” Eirie protested, “I can stay awake.”

“No is no, Eirie,” Shi said in his best authoritative voice, “Trust me, you aren't missing much, and Mom says you can't.”

Their grandfather shot Shi a look that the blonde couldn't decipher. It was almost like the man was proud of him or something, but he couldn't understand why.

“How about this,” the orange haired man negotiated, “You can have a nap before dinner, so you won't be so tired if you stay up with your brother.”

Eirie brightened at the suggestion, eager to stay up with Shi.

“Ok!” he cheered.

“Are you sure that's ok?” Shi asked warily. The last thing he wanted was for his parents to be mad at him.

“Your mother put me in charge,” his grandfather assured him with a smile, “If anyone gets in trouble, it'll be me.”

“All right,” Shi agreed, “You know the deal, Eirie,” he said to his brother, “Bath before bedtime.”

Eirie nodded and jumped from foot to foot as Shi gathered his pajamas.

“Do you need me to do anything?” Cree asked his older grandson. Shi shook his head.

“No, I give him baths some times and I'm usually the one to put him to bed,” Shi told him. Cree gave him that strange look again.

Shi took Eirie by the hand and led him to the bathroom. He never locked the door when he gave Eirie his bath, but he did so now. It was silly, and he knew that, but it made him feel better. All those lessons his father had taught him about not trusting strangers were coming back to him and he couldn't ignore them, even if the stranger in this case was his grandfather.

“Bath time, bath time,” Eirie sang as Shi turned on the hot water, poured in the bubble bath, and undressed Eirie. Eirie grabbed his plastic turtle that he always played with in the bath and let Shi pick him up and put him in the water. Shi smirked as he watched the little boy play with the turtle and splash around in the water. Even as a baby, Eirie had loved `bath time', so Shi had never had to force him to take a bath, thankfully. As long as their were bubbles, toys, and hot water, Eirie was eager to be washed.

Eirie's brilliant, red hair was getting long, but it was so fine, it didn't take long for Shi to wash it. Eirie peered up at him through his long, wet bangs that were stuck to his face.

“Aren't you going to take a bath, too?” he asked.

Until last year, Shi had always taken a bath with his little brother, but he had stopped it now that he felt like they were getting too old. Eirie wasn't exactly a baby anymore and Shi wasn't all that far away from being a teenager.

“I told you,” he scolded, “You're too old for that.”

Eirie pouted at him, but Shi only thought he was the cutest thing on legs.

“Growing up is stupid,” he whined.

Shi chuckled.

“Well, I guess you just won't grow up, huh?” he teased.

“Yep!” Eirie chirped.

Shi finished washing him, frowning when Eirie playfully splashed him, and dried him off, quickly getting him into his pajamas. Cree was waiting for him, having unmade Eirie's bed. Shi tucked him in, kissing his forehead as he always did.

“Shi,” Eirie whispered, though Cree could clearly hear him, “Can you close the closet?”

Shi saw the sudden fear in the redhead's eyes and was confused at what had put it there. The memory of Eirie's dream of the monster in the closet came to him so strongly, it felt like he had been punched in the stomach. Was that why Eirie was so scared of their grandfather, because of his eyes? Did he think he was the monster from his dream? Cree looked over at the closet and saw that the door was already closed.

“Honey, the closet is fine,” he said in an affectionate tone, but his eyes hardened when Eirie shook his head in denial. Shi saw the look and felt something crawl around in his stomach.

“No problem,” he said, ruffling Eirie's hair.

Shi, like he had done years ago, took Eirie's desk chair and wedged it against the closet door. His reward was seeing the fear go from Eirie's eyes and was happy to know that he had, once again, conquered the monster for him.

“Shi,” Eirie whispered again, “What about Mr. Jellybean?”

Shi wasn't annoyed by the request. Eirie always slept with Mr. Jellybean. Mr. Jellybean was a silly little octopus beanie Eirie had had when he was a baby. Back then, Mr. Jellybean had been Mr. Squiggly and he had had all of his eight arms. But, last year, Eirie had chewed on Mr. Squiggly's arms so much that one of them had come off. His mother, in a fit of genius, had cut off all of the octopus' arms and had sewn him back up. Thus, Mr. Squiggly had become Mr. Jellybean. Eirie still chewed on him, like a bad habit, but at least he couldn't fall apart again.

“Did you leave him in my room?” Shi asked.

“Dunno,” Eirie said, looking panicked at having lost his prized sleep buddy.

“I'll find him for you,” he promised, going to his bedroom to look. He felt a little bit afraid of leaving Eirie alone with their grandfather, who he was clearly afraid of, but Eirie didn't cry for him.

 

*****

 

Shi diligently searched his room for Mr. Jellybean, even looking under his bed and in every drawer, but couldn't find him. He stood up from peering under his bed when he heard his grandfather come in.

“What is it?” he asked.

Cree closed the door behind him, which was strange, Shi thought. He tried to ignore the action, but it ate at him.

“We found Mr. Jellybean,” the man said, a small smirk on his face, “Your brother is fast asleep.”

Shi stood still as that strange expression came over his grandfather once more and he approached him.

“You're so good with him,” Cree said, and it was something that Shi had heard from his parents so often that it momentarily threw him, “You're very responsible for a boy your age. Your mother must be proud.”

Cree knelt in front of him, his eyes soft and affectionate. His fingers touched Shi's hair lightly. The touch was strange and it made Shi's stomach squirm, but he was confused as to why. His mother touched his hair all the time, but she had never made him feel this way.

“You're very much like your late uncle, did you know that?” Cree asked in a tone so loving, Shi's curiosity felt stale in the face of it.

Shi shook his head.

“I didn't know I had a late uncle. What happened to him?” Shi asked, his voice rough with something that he couldn't recognize. Cree's eyes hardened so sharply that Shi thought he was going to hit him, but then Cree smiled, though it didn't reach his fiery eyes.

“It's ancient history,” he brushed off Shi's questions, “Your mother probably doesn't realize it…” Cree's voice sounded almost hopeful, as though he refused to admit that Shi's mother would have any other reason for not mentioning Shi's uncle, “But you are exactly like him. He was responsible, intelligent, and mature, just like you. Your Aunt Ursula was always so terrible to your mother. She was the oldest and teased her all the time, but your Uncle Odin took care of her,” inexplicably, the man's tone turned bitter, “You take care of your little brother, too. It's very admirable for someone your age.”

Shi was struck silent by all of this. He hadn't even known that he had ever had an Uncle. But why would his mother keep that from him, unless it was too sad for her? He didn't know how to react to his grandfather's compliments, either. He had been called responsible, intelligent, and mature by his parents before, but this man was not his parents and hearing such oddly affectionate things made him want to love him like he loved his parents. Then there was his account of his mother's childhood, and how his Aunt Ursula had bullied her.

When he had heard that, he had bit his tongue to keep from saying out loud that he wasn't surprised, because Aunt Ursula was so mean, she often said insulting things to him, but he didn't dare say it out loud.

“Do you love your brother?” Cree suddenly asked.

Shi's head shot up and he stared into orange-red eyes. The answer was so absolute in his heart, that the words poured out of him immediately.

“Yes,” he said earnestly, “I love him more than anything else in the world.”

Cree smiled, but Shi thought that it wasn't quite as welcome and nice as before.

“So, you would do anything for him, to save him?” he asked.

The question was so strange, but Shi couldn't deny the answer that he knew with absolute certainty.

“I would,” Shi said.

If anything, his answer made Cree's odd smile seem even worse to the boy.

“Good,” his grandfather said, his fingers trailing down from his hair, over his chest and stomach until they were lightly slipping under the waist of his jeans. Shi couldn't even begin to explain it, but that touch made something incredibly unpleasant burst inside of him and he hit his grandfather's roaming hand as hard as he could. His shock and confusion made him back up, but when his legs suddenly hit the bed, he was surprised at its presence and sat down heavily. He couldn't figure out what was happening, but something deep inside of him was screaming at him to run and never look back.

Cree's smile suddenly vanished and melted into an expression of anger, so quickly that Shi wondered if the smile had ever existed at all or if it had only been his imagination. His grandfather grabbed him by his shoulder, so tightly, Shi wondered if his bones would break and he was sure he would bruise. The transformation of his grandfather of someone with affection and respect to this… thing, this monster of anger and abuse startled Shi at its brutality, which he was not used to as his own father had never once raised a hand to him, and he was frozen where he sat.

“I thought I made things clear,” Cree said, almost in a low sort of growl, “Either I do this to you… or your brother.”

In an instant, Shi felt as though all of his blood had been replaced with lead and he had swallowed a bucket full of snakes that were now writhing around in his gut. His grandfather hadn't said what he wanted to do to him or his brother, but Shi knew, he knew, even though he wished he didn't. Those strange, uncomfortable touches… he remembered vividly how his grandfather's fingers had slipped inside of his pants and felt like throwing up. He wished he had never asked his mother about the possibilities of two guys making love to each other, he wished he could think that there was no way his grandfather, his grandfather, could want that from him, but he knew. No, there was no way he would ever let him do that thing to him!

He didn't even know how guys did it. It had to be the same principle as with a girl, right? But it was weird enough to think of doing that with Vel, who he loved, let alone a stranger… no, let alone a member of his family, his own flesh and frickin' blood! That had to be one of the worst things ever, to be nasty with your family, let alone a kid. He never paid attention during church, but he knew at least that much, that people who hurt their family, who did bad, nasty things to their kin, had to go to Hell, if a place like that existed. If there was a God, and he let people who hurt their family get away with it, he never wanted to have faith.

He didn't want to… now, he couldn't. But… his grandfather was so much bigger than him, stronger, and he was the adult here. She was just a dumb kid, did he even have the option of saying now? Would his grandfather just do it anyway? Then why bother giving him the option?

 

“Do you love your brother?”

 

Shi squeezed his eyes hut as an indescribable pain filled every inch of him. Yes, yes, yes… he loved his brother, hadn't he already confessed that he loved him more than anything in the world, that he would protect him against anything, even if that `anything' was their own family? The thought of this… man, touching his baby brother like he had touched him only minutes ago made bile rise in his throat. His grandfather didn't have the right to even think about Eirie that way! He suddenly felt an intense bitterness. Why had his parents left them all alone with this bastard? Why hadn't they seen what a bad person he was? His mother made them go to church, but she hadn't seen the evil in her father and now, Shi had to face it all alone. The worst part of that feeling was that he didn't hate his parents, not even a little, all of the bitterness he felt was directed at himself, because he was helpless.

He couldn't fight back and even if he could, as terrible as the orange-eyed man was right now, even if he did bad things, he was still Shi's grandfather, not even the worst evil could change that fact. They were family. He couldn't run away from it. He only had one option. Him or his brother, that was what Cree had said. He had to protect Eirie. He was his responsibility… he had to protect him, even if it meant he had to tear himself to shreds in order to do it.

Shi opened his eyes, but no tears escaped from him. The tears would come later, he knew that instinctively, but not now. Now, he had to do his duty as a big brother. He had to be strong, had to bear the brunt of the pain and fear, for Eirie's sake. Even if Eirie never knew Shi had made this choice for him. No, Shi would make sure that Eirie never found out. Shi never wanted his little brother to know that such people existed in the world, he never wanted to change in Eirie's eyes and if he knew about this… he knew Eirie wouldn't love him anymore, because what he was about to do was wrong. Wrong and dirty.

“Ok,” the words escaped from him, almost like a whisper, though to Shi they were loud and heavy, like a curse.

Shi looked up at his grandfather, his red-orange eyes, which he had thought were so cool when he had first saw him, now terrified him and he suddenly knew how Eirie had felt when he had had that nightmare.

“Alright, do it to me,” he said stronger this time, not relaxing even a little when Cree let go of his shoulder, “Don't touch Eirie.”

“Good boy,” Cree said softly, in an affectionate way that made Shi want to strike him.

“Promise!” Shi said insistently.

Cree had to promise, he would never believe him, but he had to promise. He was doing this for Eirie's safety, so he had to believe that his little brother would be safe, would remain innocent, even if Shi had to… had to give up everything. Because, though he had been too scared to admit it to anyone, when he thought about sex lately, he always thought of his best friend and now… and now that could never happen. He could never do that with Vel, not even in twenty years, not after surrendering to what his grandfather was going to do to him.

“I promise,” his grandfather said with a small smile, “As long as you do exactly as I say, I won't touch him.”

Shi looked away from him, satisfied with the promise, but only because he couldn't bear to think of the possibility of the man lying to him. Shi felt Cree's large, heavy hands caress his legs through his jeans and suddenly felt the powerful urge to scream at him to stop, that he changed his mind and couldn't go through with it after all, but he refused to give sound to the impulse, he would rather be struck dead as he sat than ever say those words.

But still… still… he was filled with a silently screaming terror and disgust as his grandfather's hands traced his legs until his fingers reached the zipper to his pants and lowered it. He had to bite his lip to keep the scream in his throat from spilling out. He bit so hard, he tasted blood in his mouth, but he found that he sort of liked the pain, because for a moment, it kept his mind off of what was happening.

“Are you going to cry?” Cree asked in genuine curiosity.

Shi shook his head strongly, his long hair falling over one shoulder.

“No,” he choked out.

Cree didn't say anything to that, but gave Shi a look of deep respect that Shi instantly hated him for. Why did he have to look at him like that?! What was there left to respect? He had always thought he was a good brother to Eirie, that he could protect him, always, that he could conquer anything. He was the big brother, the strong lion, he could do anything, he was infallible. But all that had been a lie. He couldn't even save his brother from their own grandfather, couldn't maintain that strength. He was worthless.

He couldn't even fight, couldn't scream. Every time he wanted to, he'd think: What if Eir' hears? He thought he would die of shame, actually die if Eirie woke up during this, if he heard, if he knew… even if Eirie had no idea what was going on. He'd bit his own tongue off to keep that from happening.

Cree pushed his grandson back onto the bed and pulled his pants off of him. He cupped his hands around Shi's ass cheeks, examining his body almost clinically. He smirked down at him and moved his hands to his waist.

“You're going to be quite the lady killer when you're older,” he said pleasantly.

Shi was far from flattered by the compliment. Cree pushed his shirt up a little and Shi tried to hide his lower body from him, but Cree shoved his knee in between Shi's legs to keep them open. He leaned down and softly kissed Shi's flat stomach. The affectionate touch, so light and loving, should have been a balm on Shi's broken heart in the wake of his throbbing shoulder, evidence of his grandfather's brutality, but it was worse than the pain. That gentle kiss was almost his breaking point and he fought furiously against tears. He would never give the bastard the satisfaction of seeing any sort of reaction to this… especially his tears.

Suddenly, with a strength that froze all of Shi's muscles, Cree flipped Shi onto his stomach and hovered over him. Shi felt his familiar pillow under his cheek and tried to pretend that he was simply sleeping. This illusion was swiftly shattered when he felt his grandfather part his buttocks with his hands. Wit ha sharp, startled intake of breath, Shi tried to roll away from those evil hands, but felt his grandfather pin him with an elbow in the middle of his back.

“Stop it,” Cree snapped.

His grandfather's promise about staying away from his little brother if he behaved came back to Shi vividly and he immediately stopped moving, though his thin frame shook and his heart beat wildly in fear. Every thought in his head screamed at him about how horrible this was, but even he understood that, if he stopped to listen to those thoughts, something inside of him would break. He flinched as he felt something cold and unpleasantly slick being spread in between his cheeks. His fear of the unknown and his curiosity were silence by his fear of knowing what was going on. He didn't want to know. It wouldn't make him feel better. He just wanted this nightmare to end.

And yet… suddenly… he wanted to know why. Why was his grandfather doing this, what was the point of it? Had he done it before, or was there some reason, some importance behind him forcing Shi to have sex with him? No matter how hard he thought about it, he couldn't wrap his mind around it. If he just had a reason… if there was some purpose to all of it… it wouldn't be so bad. He needed for there to be a reason, but he was terrified of what his grandfather's answer would be if he dared to ask.

“Don't worry,” Cree soothed as he felt and saw his grandson's tension, “This will be over before you know it.”

Shi buried his face in his pillow, hiding the urge to shake his head violently. Liar! He wanted to scream that at the top of his lungs. Why should he believe a single damn word that this man said? He had come into his home, had pretended to be this kind, playful man that would teach Shi and his brother all the things in their mother's past that she was too shy to say. He had promised his own daughter that he would take care of her children, but it had all been a lie. He wasn't interested in protection, just mind games and seeing how much he could hurt them. Why would he make this torture quick when it already seemed like an eternity since his grandfather had finally dropped his masks?

“And once you're older,” Cree continued, “You'll come to enjoy it.”

When he was older? Just what did that mean? He wasn't confused by it, he knew what his grandfather was saying, what he meant, but he didn't want to accept it, he didn't want to even acknowledge it, the possibility that this sick little deal his grandfather had made with him wasn't going to be a one time thing. Just the thought of having to endure it over and over and over tore his insides to shreds.

Suddenly, like some sort of terrible epiphany, Shi remembered what that boy had told him about sex between a man and a woman, that a man would put his penis inside a woman's vagina. If sex between two men was anything remotely like that, then… then…

Shi didn't even get the chance to finish his thought when he felt something solid, hot, large, and wet slip in between his ass cheeks and press hard against his hole. That was his grandfather's dick, he realized numbly. He hadn't even heard him unzip his pants.

Every slightly intelligent thought left him as his grandfather grabbed his hips and forcefully pushed the head of his fat cock inside Shi's body. Shi bit down on his pillow as hard as he could to rob his scream of any sound, his fear of Eirie waking up and what his grandfather would do, even if he hadn't told him he couldn't make any noise, were the only things that kept him even slightly sane as pain tore through him, along with the huge length that was still pushing into him.

It was nothing like he had thought. How could one part of his body cause him such agony? When his mother had talked to him about sex, she had made it sound like it was this wonderful thing, but if it felt like this, he never wanted to do it with anyone. Was this how his mom felt when his dad made love to her? It didn't feel like there was any love involved in sex, so why did they call it that anyway? How could anyone ever like this? Or maybe it was only good for the one actually going inside you? Maybe that was why his mo let his dad do that to her, because she loved him and she wanted him to be happy, even if it meant she had to be in pain. He wondered if it felt good for his grandfather and that was why he was doing it. Through the pain, he was glad that his baby brother would never, ever experience something like this, he would die to see to it that he never did.

It hurt like nothing else he had ever felt, worse than broken bones and shots and skinned knees all together. Was this what it felt like to die? He knew his grandfather wouldn't kill him, not if he wanted to have with him again, but he couldn't stop thinking that the pain was so bad, he would actually die. Then, Shi felt Cree move inside of him and the pain escalated to something white hot and insane.

Time seemed nonexistent as he tried to focus on anything except the fact that he was being raped, which was impossible. The world seemed both fuzzy and vivid. He couldn't remember what time it was, the name of the restaurant his parents had gone to, or even what color his sheets were, but he could feel his grandfather's weight against his back, his fingers bruising his hips as he thrust violent in and out of his battered body, and he could hear his own voice, screaming wordlessly in his head. More than anything, he was aware of a hot wetness on his leg that he knew was blood. You couldn't feel this kind of pain without some kind of… damage.

He tried to block it out of his mind as the minutes passed him by, but it was utterly impossible. Every time his mind drifted off to something else, something comfortable, it just as quickly circled back. Eventually, the searing pain edged off to throbbing, aching numbness, but it was far from any sort of comfort. With the terrible pain gone, Shi started to notice things, things he would have been quite happy to have been ignorant about for the rest of his life. He could feel his grandfather's hot breath ghosting over his ear as he moved frantically against him. Now that the pain had left him, he could really feel him inside of his body.

It was so tight and that scared him, making him wonder if he was going to be ripped to shreds. The thing inside of him felt too big, hot and wet, and he wanted to curl in on himself at how sick and tired and dirty it made him feel. His room smelled strange and he wondered if it was just the smell of sweat or if the sex itself was what he smelled. His body felt hot, but his insides felt like ice. He just wished his grandfather would just kill him, instead of putting him through this.

Shi's eyes shot open at his own thoughts. Did he really want to die? He thought that this was how a crazy person felt, like he was feeling too much and nothing at all, all at the same time. He wanted to cry, but he couldn't, not yet. He could lie there and hope with every inch of himself that the bastard would finish soon. He wanted to see Vel and Eirie and his parents again, but he also wanted this to be over, he wanted everything to go back to what it had been earlier today. He didn't want to live with this heaviness in his chest, this feeling of disgust and hopelessness, but he didn't want to die, either. He felt like he was being torn apart, in more ways than one.

Shi grabbed at the pillow under his head with both hands, clutching it tightly as he felt something wet, thick, and hot fill him. He grimaced at the gross feeling it left him, but he understood that it wasn't blood and that meant that the horror was over. When his grandfather pulled out of him, with a swiftness that awoken the pain in his backside in a sharp, shooting ache, he had expected that feeling of insanity and heaviness, heat and cold, screaming and crying, would finally leave him along with the man that had ripped so much from him. He had thought that a huge relief would fill him and he would feel proud of himself, because he had survived it and now his baby brother was safe.

He felt nothing. His grandfather rolled over to sit on the edge of the bed and Shi tucked his bony knees against his clothed chest, rolling onto his side. He didn't feel… anything. There was no relief, no pride, no anger, not even sadness. He felt empty inside. He felt hollow. He didn't even hate his grandfather anymore. He didn't trust him, and he felt this odd… tension when he thought of what he had planned to do to Eirie. He even felt fear when he thought of him going back on their deal, but deep inside of his mind, there was this strange darkness, a loud buzzing, that was getting louder and louder and deeper and deeper, drowning out his feelings and thoughts and leaving nothing behind. He didn't even feel like he was alive anymore and still, the only thing he could think about was that it was worth it. Eirie was the same, even if Shi never would be, and that was the only thing that mattered.

Shi felt his grandfather place a hand on his bare leg, gripping it in what Shi thought was supposed to be affection. There was a buzzing in the air and the blonde realized that the man was talking to him, but he couldn't make out the words. He closed his eyes, letting it all wash over him. He dimly realized that he couldn't feel the blood or the pain anymore, even though he knew, somehow, that he was in pain.

 

 

End Part 2

 

Much like RTK, this is not a happy fic. Actually, maybe its even worse. Shi and the gang are meant to be foils to Duo and what he could have become if he had never met Heero. After all, Shi doesn't really have anyone in his life in RTK that can help him out and its interesting to see the similarities and differences in him compared to Duo. For example, like Duo, he is raped as a child, but while Duo had little to lose, Shi has a family who loves him and a home. This might make it seem like his situation is better, but Duo gains Solo and other people who have gone through the same thing, while Shi has absolutely no one and has to maintain his family and pretend to be the same person. Also, he reacts to his rape differently. Duo breaks down right away, while Shi goes numb and, as seen in RTK, gains an anger complex from it, while Duo is more submissive by comparison.

 

I don't know, you can interpret it as you like, this sort of thing just interests me. I'd love to hear your interpretation of it, because Shi, as a major character, is still being developed as I go along.