Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Power Game ❯ Finale ( Chapter 9 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Title: Power Game

Author: Aya

Warnings: Angst, Shounen Ai, Duo's POV, Language

Pairings: 1+2

Notes: I probably wouldn't have gotten these last couple of parts out so fast if it wasn't for Sunhawk. <grin> She really helped me out because I had been in a real jam as to where this fic was going! Welp this is the end, read on folks. ^_^

Part Eight ~ Finale

It was days later when I came out of my semi conscious state and opened my eyes to the rest of the world. The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was Heero's slack face, which was right next to mine. It took me a moment to figure out that he had fallen asleep next to me in the small bed. It was obvious that he had been watching me as I 'slept' and I wondered if the words which had been floating around in my head for the last few days had actually come from his mouth. It was possible that I had been hearing him as he spoke to me but it wasn't likely. Heero Yuy wasn't the type to get emotional, even when his lover is lying half-dead. Or at least he doesn't seem to be.. He can be so full of surprises at times.

I studied his face silently and saw that his brows were creased together in a frown even during sleep. There were dark circles shadowing his eyes and his hair looked more unkempt than usual. Maybe he was worried after all; not that it would make much of a difference. I know where I stand with him. I know where I stand with all of them now. I sighed and shifted in the bed, anxious to get out of the stuffy room and into a shower where I could wash the scent of death and blood from my body.

As soon as I moved, Heero's eyes snapped open and he stared at me in something akin to surprise. "Duo.."

"Heero." I returned shortly and he actually flinched at the cold tone of my voice.

He opened and closed his mouth before settling on a frown. "How do you feel?"

"Fine." It was a lie, but I had already done enough of that to not feel guilty about it anymore. "I want to get out of here."

He made no to move to get up and when I tried to, he held me in place with one of his strong arms. "Sally should check you out first. She might want to ask you some.. things." He hesitated and I knew he was trying to hold back. He didn't want me to know what Sally had told them for some reason.

"I don't want that nosy bitch putting her goddamn hands on me." I hissed angrily before I could stop myself. She had no right to tell them anything before she discussed it with me first. She had no business telling them about what could have or might have happened before she knew all the goddamn facts.

The surprise was clear on his face now and his brow puckered. "What is the matter with you?"

"What do you care?" I shot back, pulling away from the loose embrace he had had me in and trying to sit up.

"I do.. care." He stumbled over the words and for a minute he had the most vulnerable look in his eyes that my hostility wavered. I thought about forcing a smile for him and putting on my old cheerful mask.. But the thought fled my mind as fast as it had come. I didn't have it in me to do that anymore. I was jaded in more ways than one and I didn't feel the need to make anyone happy anymore. Everything was different now. I was different now. I could feel it. I gave him what I knew was an unreadable look and carefully stood up on my injured ankle. "How sweet of you." I said flatly.

I saw his hands clench into fists out of the corner of my eye and he had that injured look on his face again. I was hurting his feelings. At that realization I looked him directly in the eye and saw that his lips were pursed together in a tight line and that he looked absolutely stricken. It was so shocking that he was actually showing some emotion and that he was so obviously hurt by my shun that I did apologize this time. "I'm sorry. I'm.. Not myself Heero." I mumbled softly, dropping my eyes.

I heard his soft sigh and before I could take another step, he was there holding me up and steadying me as I stumbled. "Take it easy." He ordered softly.

I allowed him to handle me as if I was a delicate porcelain doll only because I really did feel awful and I wasn't running around on my ankle anytime soon. He helped me strip off the God awful paper gown someone had put me in and he covered my pale bruised body with over sized clothes that obviously did not belong to me. I didn't mind though, at least they were comfortable. Usually when one of us was injured and we cleaned each other up, we wound up engaging in some kind of sexual activity. I was extremely glad that he wasn't trying to get up on me at the moment because there would be no sexual activities between anyone and myself any time soon and I didn't feel like having to explain why. I was glad that he had already figured that much himself. Maybe he wasn't such an asshole after all.

"Are you sure you don't want to let Sally check you out?" Heero asked as I leaned on him and we made our way outside the room.

"I don't need some woman poking at me and making bogus diagnoses." I snapped more harshly than I had intended to.

His lip quirked and he looked almost amused. "Now you sound like Wufei."

I grunted and raked a hand through my gross grimy hair and made a disgusted face. I would have to somehow wash it when we got back to the safe house. As we moved at a snails pace, somewhere along the line he tried to just say 'fuck it' and carry me, but I wouldn't allow it. I didn't want anyone coddling me or treating me like a child. I didn't want anyone's pity. The look on both of our faces prevented anyone from trying to stop us as we left the small medical facility and I noticed with some relief that Sally was not even here.

Heero carefully put me in a small car that was probably stolen and the drive to the house was basically silent. I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep so that he wouldn't ask me any questions and I know he was just dying to know exactly what had happened.

Meanwhile my brain was floundering for a Trowa solution but I just didn't know how to handle it. Do I hate him? The answer is yes, I do. I hate him for using me and my body. I hate him for treating me like a whore. I hate him for thinking he has the right to violate me. And most of all I hate him for not remembering and making this all the more harder on me. Should he die for what he did? No. I know he shouldn't. All of us kill hundreds of men every time we battle. Men with families, men with wives and people who love them. We hurt so many people even when it is unintentional and we really are murderers when it comes down to it. If Trowa deserves to die for what was really a drunken terrible mistake, all of us deserve to die ten times over for committing the biggest sin of all. Murder.

I could sit here and debate the subject with myself for hours and the answer would still be the same. If I didn't go with the moral reason I would go with the logical reason. Killing Trowa would severely minimize the chances we have of ending this war. We need five pilots and four probably would not cut it.

I know what I can't do, and now the only problem is figuring out what I should do. Damnit. Nothing is ever easy.

***

Upon getting back to the safe house, I had done a half-assed job of washing myself, took some painkillers and fell into a deep sleep. All of the other pilots had apparently been on a mission at the time so I didn't have to face the pitying looks and questions just yet. Heero for the most part didn't press me for answers and was really supportive which made it difficult for me to continue acting cold towards him.

Every time I snapped at him, Heero just gave me a patient look and waited for my temper to cool. It was a far cry from the way he usually treated me and it confused me. He was finally doing what I had always wanted him to. Showing his feelings and actually letting me know that he cares about me in some way besides a sexual one. It's a shame that he waited until I got raped to do so, because I don't think I will be acting like a lover any time soon. I still think he doesn't respect me and I still resent him for treating me like an object, but I can't hold it against him now that he is trying so hard to repent.

It was two days later when I finally faced Trowa. At the time I was sitting in the small kitchen eating a bowl of soup and still trying to figure out how I should handle everything. When I saw him sit on the stool opposite of me my fingers clenched on the spoon so hard it bent slightly.

"How are you feeling?" He sounded genuinely concerned, but there was something weird about his voice.

I looked up at him and pushed the bowl away, I didn't feel like eating anymore. "Better," I said in a clipped tone, looking away from him and studying the faded wallpaper. This was it; I had to do it now. The other pilots were nowhere around and this was my chance to confront him.

"Duo I-- I don't know exactly what is going on anymore.." His voice trailed off and when I looked into his eyes again I saw that there was a pained expression on his face. "That night.. I get the feeling that something bad happened between us.. I don't know what to think Duo."

"I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time with it Trowa. Excuse me for not giving fuck." I clenched my hands and stared at the wall again.

"I'm not asking for sympathy. I just want to know what happened! I have a right to know! I have these dreams.. These visions that are terrible! I don't know what is real or what is just my imagination anymore! I feel guilty about something I'm not even sure happened," He blurted out miserably and I marveled at the fact that he had said so much at one time.

"And what happens in these dreams of yours?" I kept my tone neutral despite the anger that was building up in the pit of my stomach.

Emerald green eyes flinched away from my cold stare and he swallowed convulsively. Instead of answering my question he closed his eyes, and when he reopened them he had a weary look in his eyes. It reminded me of the jaded expression that haunted my face. "When I was a boy I traveled with a group of mercenaries," He started softly.

My eyes narrowed and I fought the urge to snap at him that I could care less about his little child hood anecdotes. Instead, I listened mildly curious to what he had to say.

"I traveled with them and they treated me like I was their family. In many ways.. They were the only family I ever knew so I was grateful. I trusted them all.." He continued a haunted look ghosted across his elegant features. "There was a man named Staccato who was part of the team. For a time him and I were very close... very close and I loved him like an uncle or even a father." His voice took on the monotone that I was so used to hearing from Heero. "One day.. We were alone and he violated my trust and me. He did.. Horrible things to me. He---"

"Raped you," I filled in.

Trowa nodded slightly and he pulled at the collar of his shirt. "After that, I swore to myself that I would never let it happen ever again. I swore to myself that I would never hurt another person that way.. And if I did I would kill myself. I swore to myself.. but.. I dream that I did it to you." His voice cracked on the last sentence and he met my eyes, his were red with unshed tears.

I stared at him for a moment before leaning forward so that our noses almost touched. "It wasn't any OZ soldiers that raped me," I hissed, staring at him hard; daring him to look away.

For a minute he stared at me blankly, but then understanding and horror washed over him. His lower lip trembled and he jerked away from me. "Oh God.." He hissed and closed his eyes tightly. "The dreams.. They were memories."

"You fucked me and you liked it. You didn't stop when I begged.. You didn't stop even when I cried. Is that how you fuck Quatre?" I demanded in a low hateful voice.

His pupils were dilated and the anguish was clear on his face. Without warning he yanked a gun from the back of his jeans and shoved it in his mouth, all the while staring at me with a remorseful but appalled look in his eyes.

"Go ahead," I said flatly. "Kill yourself. Pull the trigger and let your brains splatter all over the wall behind you. You probably deserve it."

He pulled back the safety and a single tear slid down his face.

"Kill yourself you selfish bastard. You can't live with yourself knowing what you did so you want to take the easy way out and have a nice dark oblivion with no memories and no guilt," I went on in the same monotone.

Another tear joined the first one and they mingled together at the bridge of his nose.

"I wonder what would happen if you shot yourself now. It wouldn't change anything for me.. I would still feel dirty all the time. I would still dream about you shoving your cock inside my torn bleeding body." I was amazed that my voice was as steady as it sounded because any minute I felt as though I would lose it. "But I guess I don't matter just like I didn't matter that night. As long as you get what you want."

A shuddering muffled gasp came from his throat and he clutched the gun tightly.

"Do you know what would happen if you killed yourself now Trowa?" I demanded hotly, not even expecting an answer. "Quatre.. your poor sweet little angel. He would be overwhelmed with grief. He would want to hate you .. Knowing what you did but he would still love you no matter what has happened. He would become a liability to the rest of us. Reckless in battle, maybe even reckless with his life. Hell, he might even go Zero System loony again because he lost yet another loved one," I rattled off heartlessly, loving the agonized look in his eyes. "Or maybe he wouldn't completely lose control.. Maybe he would instead become resentful towards me. Maybe he would blame me. So then I become the bad guy instead of the victim."

More tears made their way down his pale cheeks and a muffled sob escaped his throat; finger still poised over the trigger.

"Or let's just say nothing happens to the love of your life at all. Let's say he doesn't give a shit if you die because you're nothing but a rapist," I said cruelly with an evil smirk. "Let's say instead that we all go on fighting and forget you were a part of our team. Then let's say that since we were already outnumbered against OZ, without you.. we started losing and failing more missions. Let's say just as a theory... that one by one we are weakened and one by one.. We self-destruct or are killed by the enemy. Or maybe since it's just the four of us, sometimes there will be solo missions that shouldn't have been and one of us will get captured and raped or abused by OZ soldiers. Let's say that for arguments sake, your death triggers our deaths and OZ will control the world until a new tyrant comes along."

His eyes widened and if it were possible he probably would have looked even more horrified than he already was.

"So go ahead Trowa. Kill yourself. That stuff might not happen.. but there is a chance. So go ahead and kill yourself.. Just so you can be at peace with your horrible drunken error. Just so your mind can be at ease."

The gun clattered to the floor and the taller boy hunched over as he sobbed silently. "What do you want me to do Duo? Please.. just tell me what you want me to do!" He choked out miserably.

I sneered at him. "I don't want you to do a goddamn thing. You have done enough."

"I would never hurt you that way on purpose! I would never do it I swear to you!"

"You seem to swear to people a lot and so far it hasn't changed anything. It happened and nothing is going to change it. If you do want to do something for me.. never talk about this again. Do not bring it up to me. Do not ask me to forgive you because I never will. Everything is different now," I said softly. "Everything."

He looked at me from red teary eyes. "You hate me." It was more of a statement than a question.

"I think you know the answer to that," I returned coldly.

Trowa took a deep shuddering breath and wiped a hand across his face. "I'm so sorry Duo.. I don't expect you to forgive me. I'll never forgive myself..." His voice trailed off and he stared at me with vacant dead eyes.

"The others don't need to know," I said, unmoved by his apology.

His thin brows drew together. "But Quatre.. he deserves to know.. I couldn't possibly.."

"Quatre loves you," I hissed at him from between clenched teeth. "He believes you are good, clean and worthy of his love. He was already a total sweetheart but you put that extra sparkle in his eyes. Your relationship makes him fucking smile. I won't be responsible for taking it away. So he doesn't. Need. To. Know."

"I can't do that Duo, Quatre.. he'll know something is wrong. His space heart will tell him even if I don't!" He tried to protest.

My lips curled back in a snarl and I grabbed the front of his shirt. "You better damn well fucking try. You are not important, this isn't about what you don't want to do. Make it happen."

"He'll know," Trowa insisted.

"Make it happen," I hissed, glaring at him for all I was worth.

He stared at me for a moment, before sagging in resignation. "I'll try.."

I released him and slumped down on the stool, feeling drained from the conversation.

"Please go away now," I whispered.

"Duo -- " He reached out to touch my arm, but I jerked away violently.

"Don't touch me!"

He halted the action abruptly and let out a shuddering sigh, his face completely drained of color. "I'm sorry... so sorry..." Trowa choked out before stumbling out of the room, face ashen and pinched.

I put my head in my heads and took deep shaky breaths. I was proud of myself, proud that I had handled the situation so well. Proud that I had looked him in the eye and didn't break down once. I was right when I told him that nothing would be the same. It couldn't.. I was different. My perspective on things was different. Everything.. Was different.

"Duo?"

I gasped and looked up. "How long have you been standing there?"

Wufei shrugged and sat down in the seat Trowa had just vacated. I could tell by the infuriated look in his eyes that he had heard everything; but he remained cool. "Long enough." We stared at each other for a while and he broke the silence first. "Are you sure this is what you want? He should be punished."

I barked out a short ugly laugh. "He should be punished? We all should be punished Wufei - this doesn't make him any worse than we are. We kill people every day so we are the last people who can decide what is just and what is not." I spat.

He winced and looked away. I knew he was thinking of Lake Victoria and the young recruits that had died there as a result of bombs planted by him. "You are right. I have no right to play judge and jury.. I am as wicked as anyone," He said softly.

"He cracked just like Quatre did when his father died. He lost control and did something horrible. It was at my expense and I hate him for it. I hate him for making me feel this way and making me.." I cleared my throat and pushed that line of thought away. "Anyway.. I meant it when I said they don't need to know. Quatre or Heero. I mean it Wufei, you promised that anything I told you would remain confidential."

"Of course. If you are sure." Wufei said with a nod.

"I'm very sure. Now if you'll excuse me I am going to go try to comb my hair." I started to get up but he grabbed my hand and squeezed it hard. I looked into his obsidian eyes and was shocked to see the admiration there.

"You are stronger than all of us Duo. I hope this doesn't change the Duo Maxwell I have come to respect and care for."

Our eyes locked and I gave him a brief genuine smile. "Thanks Wufei.."

I made my way upstairs slowly, ignoring Trowa, as he lay curled up on the sofa. He was suffering. Good. Let him. He deserves it. I hobbled into my room; favoring my ankle and collapsing on the bed in an exhausted heap as soon as I was close enough. "Shit this isn't going to be easy." I murmured. I would probably have to take myself off active duty until it was healed and I hated the idea of sitting around, stewing with nothing to occupy my time.

"You should have called me down, I would have helped." Heero chastised as he leaned against the frame of my door. I hadn't even heard him come in.

I ignored him for a moment and caught my breath, sitting up and slowly untangling my braid. "How nice of you."

The Japanese pilot sighed and sat down beside me. "What happened to Trowa?" His eyes narrowed and he seemed to remember what had started this whole mess to begin with.

"Don't even go there Heero. Just drop it. Doesn't matter anymore." And it didn't. I wasn't going to drag anything out or dwell on it.

He relaxed next to me and took over the process of carefully untangling my hair. I felt his fingers caress my neck softly as he reached for the brush that I kept on the bedside table. "Heero.." I said warningly, shying away from his hand. I looked up into those gorgeous Prussian eyes and tried to convey my feelings with my eyes. It must have worked because he nodded and gave me a small smile. "I know Duo." Then he kissed me on the cheek chastely and began the long task of combing out the snarled knots that were masquerading as my hair.

"Is this okay?" He asked and I had to smile at the insecure tone of his voice.

"Yes.. It's fine for now." We sat quietly for the next few hours, the afternoon sun casting a golden glow on the bed and on us. It reminded me of a setting of some movie.

For that short time I could relax and pretend that Trowa wasn't downstairs torturing himself.. That OZ wasn't planning to capture us and that I wasn't a killer. For that time it was just me and Heero.. and for now.. it was enough.

~Owari~

AN - Well then... this fic is finally over after *checks calender* eight months? ^^; There is a sequel in the works but don't plan on seeing it *too* soon. I'm going to try to put a dent in the multi parters I already have unfinished first.

<grin> I finally finished! Yay!