Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Purple Sunset ❯ Purple Sunset ( Chapter 1 )

Title: Purple Sunset

Author: Grevola

Rating: PG

Warnings: Angst, mentions of shonen-ai and het

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing and its characters are not my property, this non-profit work of fiction, however, is.

"Ashes Blow

In the Windy Skye

Take My Heart

As You Go" ~Tori Amos, Fire on the Side

I sit quietly in the arm chair beside the bed, one leg pulled up against my chest, and my arms wrapped around the knee, and my braid curling between my shoulders and cradled within my arms. I peer over them through the darkness, observing the figure in the bed. He lays calmly on his back, his left arm thrown across his chest, and his head tilted slightly to the right. The blanket tangles around his naked hips and legs, shoved mostly off earlier when he was still warm and sweaty. But now the sweat has cooled on his muscular back and chest, and I can see the goosebumps spreading across his arms as a cool breeze moves in from the partially open window. He twitches and reaches further to his right, rolling over onto his side. His left hand seems to be seeking for something, but only finds the edge of the mattress. I know what he's looking for, but he won't find it tonight.

I used to be able to curl around him after we had sex, and fall asleep next to him. But to many nights waking up when he moved away from me, subconsciously seeking out another person with another bed, has left me feeling unwelcome in my own room. So now I wait for him to relax into sleep, and then I curl up as I am now, in my chair, and watch him until I can't stand it any more. When it gets to be too much, I'll get up and quietly move to the living room. I might manage to sleep on the sofa there, or I might just stare blankly at the walls and use every trick I know to not think about him.

As much as it hurts to seem him reaching for her, I have to believe that she would reach back. That it's only her unwavering sense of duty that keeps her from having always at her side. I have to believe, for his sake, that she loves him. I have to believe it, because it's there in his eyes every single time he looks at her. It's right there whenever he mentions her name. He spent hours with me practicing her name, trying to make the right distinction between the sound of the R and the sound of the L. Even though she's never said anything, I want to believe that she's secretly pleased that he made such an effort to correct his accent just for the sake of her name, no longer mumbling a "Lee-lee-na" because he knows he's not getting it right.

Sometimes I wonder why he still comes to me when she sends him away. The tiny masochistically hopeful part of my soul wants to believe that he has feelings for me. That he's only seeing her out of some sense of obligation or duty to the peace that we've given everything for. But I know now, as I did the first time he tumbled me onto my own bed, that I'm just a second prize. I'm some one he trusts and feels comfortable with, but I'm still just a means to an end. I'm attractive to him, but I do not inspire the kind of feelings that would make him dedicate his whole self to me.

I don't know that he understands my feelings for him. Or perhaps he does, and this is what he thinks is the best way to deal with them. After all, am I not getting what I want every time he opens my door and pushes me against the wall and drags me here? I'm sure it would make a kind of twisted logic to him. Perhaps even seem like a kindness. I can almost imagine him reasoning it out to himself: "I love Relena, but Duo loves me, and I am attracted to him. I cannot always be with Relena, so when I am not by her side I can be by Duo's. This will make Duo happy, as he is with his loved one, and give me an outlet for my frustrations." Yes, that's exactly the kind of thing he might think. I know he is confused by my devotion to him. And I know that he considers me a friend. And he does not want to hurt any one, really. He is so gentle and confused inside. So it would seem to him that this is the best thing for me, to give me the illusion of what I want when he can spare the time from his own life. And God help me but sometimes it's all that keeps me going.

And the rest of the time it's seeing how happy she can make him. I do all I can to arrange time for them to be together. I invite them both out to do things, and put on the best face I possibly can, while I watch him glow for her. I know she doesn't much care for me. She doesn't hate me, and I suppose I amuse her, but I am more of an entertainment than any kind of friend. She often says that my company is a pleasant change from the stuffiness she usually gets from the people she works with. And of course I refuse to simply simper and pander to her the way the kids at that school of hers do. So I know she is relieved when I make some excuse to leave them to their own devices. And I have to believe that when I have left that she lights up the way he does, and returns all the feelings that sit in his too fragile hart. Because if she doesn't, if she breaks that heart… she will break me as well.

The sun is beginning to rise, the sky is lightening from navy to almost purple, and there will soon be orange and pink streaks in the clouds. For me this is always the sunset on the moments I steal from him, the sun playing the part of some orange moon rising on my backward night. Soon he will wake up, and gather his cloths. He may notice that I did not stay in the bed with him, but he won't mention it. I'll put a robe on, and see him to the door. I'll whisper his name, the H almost disappearing in the breath before he kisses me good bye. There will be pity in his eyes, just the same as every other time, as he whispers "Duo" before turning his back on me and walking out the door.

Author's Note: I'm not normally fond of angst, or really of the Heero-Relena pairing, but I guess I finally just got tiered of her always running around after him and decided to change things up. There's also so much `official' art that suggests Duo trying to set the two of them up, and I wanted to put that into a story. So whether you loved it or hated it, please let me know what you think.