Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Scar Tissue ❯ The Morning After ( Chapter 7 )

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Part 7

My head was one massive knot of pain.

That was my first coherent thought when I woke the next day. "Woke" is putting it kindly. Clawing my way back from the dead may be a more accurate description.

I sat up gingerly, shutting my eyes against the harsh daylight. I rubbed both hands against my aching head, and slowly opened my eyes, giving them time to adjust to the light. What the hell had happened? I examined my surroundings. I was in my room, at Quatre's estate. I was on the bed, but still fully clothed. Only my boots had been removed. I spotted them over by the door, arranged neatly. The next thing I became aware of was the absolutely horrible acidic taste in my mouth. Had… had I thrown up or something? I struggled to remember what had happened. Slowly, things started to come back to me.

The party. I remembered going to the party. And tequila. I remembered drinking lots of tequila. I groaned. What had I been thinking? My memories after that got murkier and murkier, but… yes. Hilde. Hilde had approached me, concerned. And I had reacted badly. Yelling? Vaguely I remembered yelling. But at who? As I struggled to remember, more vague images came to mind. Of everyone standing around. Looking at me. And falling. And more yelling, at everyone and no one in particular. And worst of all, I remembered throwing up. In front of everybody.

Oh God.

Icy fear gripped my heart. Had I really behaved like that, in front of everyone? What must they be thinking? How could I have been so stupid? How the hell was I going to get out of this mess???

Suddenly, a wave of nausea overwhelmed me. Choking it back, I stumbled out of bed and made my way to the bathroom. Thankfully I didn't encounter anyone on the way. I vomited into the toilet for a few moments, though it was mostly dry-heaving, as I had already thrown up the night before. Afterwards, I brushed my teeth to get the awful taste out of my mouth, and then plundered the medicine cabinet until I found a bottle of aspirin, swallowing four of the little white pills in hopes of subduing my pounding headache.

I stared at myself in the mirror. I looked like shit. There was a small, bruised gash on my temple. Oh yes. I had hit my head on the bar the first time I fell down. Idiot! I cursed at myself. How could I have let myself lose control in front of the others like that? Lord only knows what they were thinking. My stomach twisted with shame and embarrassment at that thought. I glanced at my watch. After one in the afternoon. Well, I couldn't hide up here all day, as much as I would like to. My blood icy with fear and anticipation, I made my way downstairs.

I heard voices as I approached the dining room. Everyone must be at lunch. I paused outside of the door, glancing in, but making sure I couldn't be seen. My stomach twisted again when I realized the topic of their discussion: me.

"We can't just ignore this. There's obviously something very wrong here. He needs our help," Hilde said, her voice radiating concern.

"I don't know why you're so concerned. The baka just had too much to drink. Shameful to be sure, but hardly a reason to be alarmed. This is Maxwell, after all. He's not known for his self control," Wufei stated dryly. I bristled.

"Hn. I think that Hilde may have a point. We've all seen Duo drunk before, but this was… different. He was really upset," Heero said. There was silence for a moment as everyone digested this. No one was used to expressions of concern from Heero. I could hardly believe my ears.

It was Quatre who finally broke the silence. "Well, what should we do? I agree with Hilde and Heero. I think there's a real problem here." His face twisted a little. "I don't think people get that drunk and upset without there being some underlying cause for concern." Trowa reached out and patted the blonde's hand reassuringly.

I leaned back against the hallway wall. My heart was pounding with panic. I hated it that they were talking about me like that. I was so embarrassed. What the hell was I going to do?

"I'm not sure," Relena remarked thoughtfully. "It was definitely upsetting seeing Duo like that. But it's possible that he simply had more to drink than he could handle. You could be reading too much into it. He could have just gotten carried away."

"How can you say that! God! Have any of you looked at him since he's been here? He looks terrible! Something is really wrong with him," Hilde said with vehemence. "I mean, think about it! Have any of you actually seen him in the past six months, before you all came here? Do any of you even know where he's been living, or what he's been doing? All I have is a phone number and an e-mail address, and I'm guessing that's all any of you have, too. God, he doesn't even use vidphone, or else we would have seen the state he's in. I'm scared for him, guys. Something's really wrong. He needs our help. I don't understand how any of you can have seen him last night and not think the same thing. It was… horrible seeing him like that. He must be in so much pain…" She turned away, obviously fighting tears.

"I have to agree. Duo was dangerously close to alcohol-poisoning last night. And he's lost so much weight. I think those are signs of a deeper problem," Sally said.

"But this is Maxwell! I respect his skills as a pilot, but as I stated before, he's not exactly known for his self-control. Why does one occurrence of poor judgement, which is not exactly out of character for the braided clown, have to be a sign of some serious underlying problem? What exactly is it that your are suggesting, anyway?" Wufei argued.

"That he needs help! He hasn't been himself at all, and no one has said anything! Why didn't any of us become concerned when he had so little contact with us? Shouldn't we have seen that as strange? But we were all too wrapped up in our own little lives to notice, and he's been paying the price. God, it's so obvious to me now, why can't you see it, Wufei? Relena? I think…. I think Duo's depressed." Hilde replied, her voice shaking.

My heart twisted in my chest, and panic curled around my brain. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. I was so confused. They were concerned? Now?! Why hadn't they cared before? But it was obvious that some of them, at least, cared. I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve their concern. I was a horrible person. Last night was proof of that. What kind of pathetic loser gets that unbelievably drunk and freaks out like that? A small voice in the back of my head told me that this was my chance, my chance to tell them everything. But icy fear washed down my spine at that thought. No. No one could find out. They didn't deserve to have to deal with my shit. They'd abandon me when they found out just how fucked up I was anyway. How could they not? I was disgusting. No. They were too close to finding out, and I couldn't handle that. I was too scared. I had to get out of here.

I took off running back up to my room, though my head pounded violently in protest. I knew that they must have heard me, but I didn't care. My suspicions were confirmed when I heard people scrambling to their feet, and Hilde's voice singing out behind me.

"Duo! Duo, come back!" I ignored her and continued running up the stairs, not stopping until I'd reached my room and slammed and locked the door behind me. I leaned back against the door for a moment, panting, my mind racing. Yup, I had to get out of here as fast as I could. There was no way I could handle this right now. I moved forward and started throwing the few things I'd brought with me into my bag, pausing for a moment to change shirts, as the one from the night before smelled vaguely of vomit. As I was buttoning the fresh shirt, there was a tentative knock on the door.

"Duo? Please open the door. We need to talk to you." Hilde called. Oh shit. We? What were they doing, ganging up on me?

"Go away." I said as I continued packing. Someone tried the knob, only to find it locked. There was a shuffle outside, and then I heard Heero's voice call through the door.

"Duo, if you don't open the door right now, I'm going to break it down." Geez, Heero, so nice of you to care. Now.

"Go AWAY!!!" I yelled, surprising even myself with my voice's vehemence. God, this couldn't be happening. I noticed with horror that my hands were shaking as I threw stuff into my bag. There was murmuring outside, and then, just as promised, there was a crash against the door and it flew inwards. They all came pouring into my room. And I mean ALL of them, my four fellow ex-Gundam pilots, and the five girls. The room seemed suddenly much smaller. I had never felt so trapped in my life, and I must have looked it, too, judging by the way they were staring at me. I tried to ignore them, tossing the last of my stuff into the bag and jerking the zipper shut shakily.

Hilde approached me warily, almost as one would an injured wild animal. Maybe that's what I was. "Duo, you're not leaving are you? There's no reason for you to leave. In fact, we'd really like to talk to you. We're worried…"

"Save it," I spat out, cutting her off. She flinched. I hated being so rude to her, but God, I just had to get out of here. "It's time for me to go, and you can't stop me." I grabbed my bag and took a step towards the door, but Heero moved to block my path. Though my eyes were suddenly burning for some strange reason, I met his gaze evenly. "Out of my way, Heero. I'm leaving."

"No, you're not," he replied, just as evenly. "You're not leaving until you've heard what we have to say. Hilde is very worried. We're all worried…"

Suddenly anger flared up within me, the same anger as last night. And just like last night, I was at a loss to explain where it came from. All I knew was that it was all consuming, and it made my chest feel uncomfortably tight. I exploded.

"You're WORRIED??? What, about me? You all sure have a funny way of showing it!" I screamed, my face contorted with rage. Nine shocked faces stared back at me. Oh yeah, I'd surprised them now. Duo, acting decidedly un-Duo like. But, damnit, I was sick of that mask. It was too tiring. And with how I was feeling right now I just didn't have the energy for it. "You all think you're my friends, but you don't even know the real me. You don't know ANYTHING about me! Last night was a mistake, nothing more. I'm FINE! Not that any of you would notice or care anyway. As long as I'm the joking clown you're all happy. I make ONE mistake and now suddenly you're WORRIED! Give me a break!" Damnit, my eyes were absolutely stinging now. I was on the verge of tears. Oh God, not now. But sure enough a moment later they overwhelmed and a few tears began to track down my face. I think that, more than anything, was what was making Heero's eyes look like they were about to fall out on the floor.

Silence reigned in the room for another few moments as they all continued to stare at me in mute shock. Hilde tentatively reached out to touch my arm, but I brushed her off angrily and stalked around the still stunned Heero towards the door. Hilde made another attempt, this time lunging forward to grab a hold of me before I could leave. She managed to latch onto my left arm, her fingers clamping shut right over the bandage covering the deep slash I had made the previous morning.

"Ah!" I yelped, simultaneously dropping my bag and jerking away from her, cradling my left arm against my chest. Hilde looked perplexed.

"Duo, are you hurt? Is it something you did last night?" she asked.

"Here, Duo, let me have a look at it," Sally took a step forward.

"NO!" I screamed. It seemed that I had been doing that a lot lately. It was a wonder my throat wasn't raw. I could feel the fabric of my shirt growing damp over the bandage. The wound had been reopened and was bleeding again. Shit. At least they couldn't see it on the black shirt. "I'm fine," I said through gritted teeth. "It's nothing. Listen, I have no interest in continuing this conversation. I'm getting the hell out of here." I picked up my bag again, and hastily wiped the traitorous tears from my cheeks.

"Duo!" Quatre called, stepping forward uncertainly. "Please don't go. If there's something bothering you, you can talk to us about it. We're your friends. We care about you, but you're scaring us. Please, tell us what's wrong." I turned my gaze on him, and my heart softened a little at the earnest, concerned look on his face. But my voice lost none of its steel.

"Don't you get it? You can't help me! None of you can!" I winced at the pained expression on his innocent face. No, no, no! My presence alone was hurting them! I had to get out of here. It was best for everyone. "I'm leaving. Don't try to stop me. If you don't want one of your cars to bring me into town, Quatre, then I swear to God I'll walk the whole way." My eyes locked briefly with Trowa's as I tore my gaze away from Quatre, and what I saw there surprised me. Understanding, I think, and a quiet acceptance that this was how things had to be. I gave him a curt nod, and then I turned and left the room. I stopped into the bathroom to grab the last of my belongings (my toiletry bag, complete with razor blade case) before making my way downstairs. The others followed mutely.

Downstairs Quatre called one of the servants to bring a car and driver round to the front of the estate. I stood stiffly as I waited, refusing to look at any of them. You could have cut the tension in the room with a knife.

Finally, Hilde broke the silence. "That's it? We're just going to let him leave? You're going to HELP him leave by providing a ride into town?" Quatre just turned away, tears pricking at his eyes, his face a mask of pain. It was Trowa who answered her, his voice even, his face neutral.

"It's at least 100 degrees out there. He won't make it to town if he tries to walk there, which I don't doubt he would try to do. Besides, we cannot keep him here against his will."

Exasperated, she made one final plea to me. "Duo, please don't do this. We can help you, whatever it is! If you're embarrassed by what happened last night, don't be! We don't think any less of you, we're your friends! Running away won't solve anything!" All I could do was stare at the floor, tears tracking down my face again. God, how could I be so weak! This was for the best! Why did it twist my heart so much to turn away from them? "Damnit, Duo! At least tell us where you're going!"

The car pulled up then, and I turned to leave without a word. There was nothing more to say. Hilde threw her arms around me, sobbing, and I flinched a bit as she put pressure on the bleeding cut again. Gently but firmly, I disentangled myself and strode to the car. "Go," I murmured to the driver as I climbed in, and he started to drive away from the estate. I couldn't stop myself from glancing back one more time. They were all silently watching the car drive away, their faces grim, obviously at a loss for words. The last thing I saw before quickly turning away was the look of shock and horror that came over Hilde's face when she noticed the blood that had been smeared on her shirt when she hugged me.

TBC