Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Scar Tissue ❯ The Shuttle ( Chapter 10 )

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Part 10

As the shuttle got closer and closer to L4, I felt panic starting to set in. I couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that I was sitting on a private Winner Corporation shuttle with Heero, Hilde, and Sally, on my way to a psych evaluation. It still didn't feel entirely real that the three of them knew about the cutting, but it was starting to sink in, surely and painfully. And before the evaluation, we would be going to Quatre's, and he and Trowa would find out as well. My hangover was also coming back with a vengeance, causing my stomach to make unpleasant flip-flops. I'm sure it's possible that it was more than just the hangover that was making me nauseous. I tried to remain calm, pressing my bandaged arms so tightly against my body that I had to grit my teeth to keep from crying out, but it wasn't working. Heero, seated next to me, had noticed my distress. He frowned at me.

"Are… are you okay?" He sounded so awkward, so unsure of himself. Not like himself at all. I took a deep but shaky breath, and actually managed to flash some kind of grin at him. I probably looked like a maniac.

"Fine, fine, I'm just fine. Just have to ah, go to the washroom," I hastily replied, my voice lilting crazily. I fumbled with my seatbelt, my hands feeling strangely numb. I finally managed to unclasp it, and I lurched out of the seat and all-but fled down the aisle to the washroom. I could practically feel three pairs of eyes burning into my back as I went.

I ducked into the small room and slammed the door behind me. I locked it and leaned back against the cool steel. I was suddenly aware of how hot I felt. Sweat was dripping down my forehead. Calm. Calm. You have to calm DOWN! I scolded myself. I leaned forward over the sink, my hands gripping the sides so tightly that my knuckles were white. My whole body was trembling. I stared at my face in the mirror. God, I looked like crap. My skin was pasty, my eyes looked hollow and sunken, and my hair was a greasy mess.

I knew how to make the shaking stop. How to ease the tension, clear my mind, and make everything better…. My hand still shaking, I slowly withdrew the scalpel from my pocket. I stared at the blade. Already my mind was slowing down, focusing. With no thought at all my other hand reached up and removed the clear plastic cover that protects the blade. It was wickedly sharp, glinting under the fluorescent light. My breathing was slowing, my whole body relaxing. I felt almost… hypnotized.

There was a sharp banging on the door, and I jumped, torn from my reverie.

"Duo, are you okay in there?" It was Heero, still sounding so damned unsure of himself.

I shook my head, bringing my hand up to rub my temple. What had just happened? I stared at the scalpel gripped in my other hand, realization dawning. My legs suddenly feeling rubbery, I sank to my knees. What the hell was wrong with me? I shook my head again, this time in disbelief and horror. Had I really been about to cut? Here? Now? Was I absolutely fucking INSANE??? After what had happened today, and with my friends right on the other side of the door, KNOWING about the cutting, I had almost done it again. Had I seriously thought I'd be able to hide a new cut from them, NOW?

"Duo?" Heero's voice was louder, sounding more urgent. The knob jiggled.

"I'm fine!" I called back, my own voice sounding strained and maybe a little hysterical. Trembling more than ever I hastily replaced the cover and shoved the scalpel back into my pocket. I sat back on my haunches, wrapping my arms around my body, feeling the needles of pain from all the cuts. Suddenly I felt so cold, the sweat from only moments ago chilling my body. How could I have been about to do that? How could even I be that stupid? I fell forward a bit, my head banging lightly against the sink. Stupid, stupid, STUPID! I banged my head again, harder.

"Duo, open the door," Heero ordered, sounding calm and reasonable. Oh, yeah, I was definitely feeling hysterical now. My eyes burned, and a few tears started to track down my face. God, I remembered a time not all that long ago when I never cried. Now it seemed like I was doing it all the time. I couldn't stop shaking. Why the hell couldn't I stop shaking? This was a nightmare. How had things ended up like this? I rocked forward, banging my head harder still. It felt good. Reassuring. Real. I banged my head again. There were voices shouting now, but I didn't pay them any attention, I just kept rocking my body back and forth, hitting my head, trying to stop shaking, trying to stop crying, trying to stop feeling like this, all unsuccessfully. Suddenly, my nausea reared its head. I quickly crawled over to the toilet, just making it as I started to retch.

Dimly I was aware of more voices and shouting, and the door suddenly slamming open. Then Hilde was kneeling beside me, one hand stroking my back while the other wiped my bangs from my sweaty forehead. I still hadn't eaten anything, so I was dry heaving again. There are few things in the world that feel as awful as dry heaving. Trust me. It felt like my stomach would turn inside out. I would, in fact, not have been terribly surprised to see my entire digestive tract come spilling out of my mouth.

"Here," Sally said, handing Hilde a glass of water. She pressed it to my lips and I gratefully took a few swallows, turning my head to throw it back up into the toilet. It felt much better than dry heaving. We repeated the process a few more times until finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the fit passed, and I was able to keep the water down. I sat back, leaning against the cupboard, my knees drawn up to my chest. I closed my eyes, my breath coming in short gasps. Someone wiped a cool cloth across my face.

"If you were sick you should have said something back at the clinic, Duo, I could have given you something," Sally said.

I gave a short hysterical bark of laughter and opened my eyes. Hilde was still kneeling on the floor, damp cloth in hand. Sally and Heero were standing just inside the doorway, seeming to tower over me in the cramped quarters of the crowded washroom. I couldn't stand to look any of them in the eye, so I lowered my head and shut my eyes again. Maybe this was all a bad dream. Maybe I would wake up soon, back in my own bed, and no one would ever look at me the way the three of them were looking at me now.

"Well," I finally answered, hating how thin my voice sounded, "I had… other things on my mind at the clinic." Nobody had anything to say to that. Heero and Hilde helped me to my feet, and we all returned to our seats. I leaned heavily on Heero as we walked down the aisle, since I was feeling light-headed and my steps were unsure. I was still trembling, whether from lingering nausea or for some other, less tangible reason, I could not say.

We spent the remainder of the trip in an awkward silence. I stared out the window. I had never felt so drained in my life. I still couldn't believe that this was happening to me. And very soon we would arrive at our destination, and Quatre and Trowa would find out, too. How could I have let my life reach this point? I should have quietly ended it all as soon as I was no longer needed to fight the war. I had no other purpose, after all. It had been stupid to linger, living a pathetic half-life. I should never have given the others a chance to find out. They didn't need this. They deserved better. I should have disappeared, never to be heard from again, or arranged an "accident" or something. They would have grieved and moved on. They didn't deserve to have to deal with this shit. How could I do this to them?

The shuttle was docking. "Quatre said he'd meet us here, with a car to take us back to the estate," Heero said. Panic welled up in me again. This was really happening. Quatre, sweet, innocent Quatre was going to find out I cut myself, had been going to kill myself. My pulse raced, blood pounding in my ears.

"I can't tell him," I said suddenly, knowing that they would know exactly what I was talking about. "One of you do it. I can't." If I thought I had a chance in hell of convincing them, I would have begged them not to tell him at all, but I knew it was pointless so I didn't bother.

"Don't worry about it," Hilde replied, patting my hand reassuringly, and I wanted to cry. Again. None of this should be happening. She shouldn't be here. None of us should be here. I should be dead, and they should be going about their own lives.

I was still unsteady on my feet, so Heero helped me again as we left the shuttle. Outside in the shuttle bay I groaned as I spotted Quatre. Not only had Trowa come with him, but Wufei was with him, too. Oh God. The three of them gaped openly at my appearance. What can I say? I really looked like crap. Worse even than the last time they had seen me, fleeing from Quatre's desert estate on Earth after the disastrous party. Old instincts kicking in, I actually tried to smile at them. It didn't really work, coming out as more of a grimace than a grin.

"Hey, guys. How's it hanging?" I croaked weakly, my voice thin and ragged. Oh God, this was going to be bad.

Quatre stepped forward hesitantly, his eyes shining. I realized with a start that he was holding back tears. Suddenly he threw his arms around me in a tight embrace. I couldn't hold back a small cry as pain shot out from my arms, but I hugged him back just as tightly all the same. Quatre was happy to see me. Quatre had been worried about me, just like the others. It still didn't feel real. I didn't deserve friends like them. Mostly, they didn't deserve to have to deal with me. Yet again, tears were burning in my eyes. Duo Maxwell, the weepy mess. Who would've guessed?

Quatre drew back slightly, his eyes searching my face. He was probably wondering why I had cried out, and why I was now trembling in his grip.

"I'm sorry," I murmured, unable to meet his gaze. I was too ashamed.

"For what?" he asked, clearly confused.

"I don't know," I replied, my voice dangerously close to breaking. "Everything?" I finally looked up and let my eyes meet his, but only for a moment, and then I had to look away again. Before I did, I saw him practically flinch at the anguish he must have seen in my eyes. He turned to look at Heero, who I suddenly realized was standing right next to me. Heero shook his head curtly, presumably meaning that he would explain things later. His face was grim.

Quatre frowned, and it looked completely alien on his face. Now it was my turn to flinch, since it was my fault that he was frowning. He quickly regained his composure though, and smiled warmly.

"Well, it's been a long day, and I'm sure you're all… tired, so let's go home, all right? Rashid has a van waiting for us." He turned and grasped onto Trowa's arm as if looking for support. I looked at Trowa and Wufei, having forgotten for a moment that they were even there. Wufei was staring at me in open-mouthed shock. It was almost funny. Trowa simply regarded me with a look of quiet understanding. I remembered that he had looked at me the same way the last time that I had seen him. I gave him a weak smile and he returned it.

The drive to Quatre's was short and seemed to go by in a blur. As we walked into the main foyer, I remarked to myself that after over six months of avoiding everyone I knew, here I found myself a guest in one of Quatre's estates, surrounded by friends, for the second time in two weeks. My doubts about how much they really cared for me clamoured for attention in the back of my mind, but they had to care, didn't they? Everything that happened today had to prove that, right? I remembered Hilde's tears, Heero's concern, Quatre's warmth, and for that moment at least, I believed. But those doubts still wouldn't be completely quiet.

"Would anyone like anything to eat or drink before you retire? Or maybe you'd like to wash up?" Quatre asked, ever the considerate host. I grimaced at the mention of food, but Sally spoke up.

"You really should eat something, Duo. Perhaps just some dry toast?"

I sighed. I didn't have the strength to argue with her. "Fine. What I'd really like is a shower, but I can't really…." I let my voice trail off, suddenly not wanting to elaborate with Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei present that I had bandages all over my limbs that I couldn't get wet. "Even just to wash my hair in the sink or something, but I don't think that would work, either…" I mused, mostly to myself. I'd still get my arms wet, not to mention that I just couldn't move my arms as much as that would require.

"I'll wash your hair," Heero said. Every last person in the room stared at him.

"Huh?" I said intelligently, blinking at him.

He shifted, uncomfortable now that he was under everyone's scrutiny. "I'll wash your hair in the sink. Okay?"

"Um… okay," I murmured, too stunned to argue with him.

Quatre showed us to our rooms upstairs, purposely giving Heero and I adjoining rooms with a shared bathroom, featuring a nice big sink. After digging through one of the bathroom cupboards for a moment, he produced a white hose, and showed Heero that by attaching one end over the tap, it became a shower attachment. He gave us one last smile, said someone would be bringing toast and juice up to my room, and bid us good night.

Heero and I stood there awkwardly for a moment. Finally I grabbed my shampoo and conditioner out of my bag, glad that one of them, probably Hilde, had thought to pack it. I set them next to the sink, and then removed my hair tie and tried to brush out my gnarled, greasy braid. I looked up, startled, when Heero moved forward and took the brush from my hand. He must have seen how much pain it was causing me to move my arms so much. He resumed brushing my hair, and he was surprisingly gentle. I sighed, closing my eyes. I couldn't remember the last time someone had brushed my hair for me. It must have been Sister Helen, and I felt a pang in my heart when I pictured her kind, gentle face. What would she and Father Maxwell think of me now?

I realized that Heero had managed to untangle all of my hair. Without a word, I leaned over the sink, and Heero turned on the water and began running the shower attachment over my hair, soaking it. It felt heavenly. I was practically purring under his touch. Again, he was surprisingly gentle as he worked the shampoo in, his fingers massaging my scalp. I breathed in the strawberry scent, actually relaxing a bit for the first time in God knows how long. He rinsed the shampoo out, and then repeated the entire process with the conditioner. I sat back on the closed lid of the toilet as he toweled my hair dry. He even combed it out afterwards without once pulling on a snag. I was strangely disappointed when he was finished. I slowly opened my eyes, feeling like I was waking from a dream.

I looked up at him. He was staring down at me intently. He hadn't spoken once the entire time. "Thank you," I said softly, and I wasn't just speaking about my hair. He nodded, understanding. Then he turned and went through the adjoining door to his room. I sighed deeply. I rose and gave my pale, gaunt face one last look in the mirror before entering my own room.

As promised, there was a tray with a glass of orange juice and two pieces of dry toast waiting for me. I sat on the bed and drank the juice, grimacing as I nibbled on the toast, wondering how the hell I had gotten myself into this mess. And if there was any way to get myself out of it.

TBC