Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Scar Tissue ❯ Breakfast ( Chapter 11 )

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Part 11

To say that I felt like crap the when I woke the next day would be an understatement. I turned over in bed, and tried to remember when was the last time that I hadn't woken up feeling like complete and utter shit. I couldn't. I turned over again, and my face was buried in my hair. I breathed in the lingering scent of my strawberry shampoo, and I suddenly remembered how Heero had washed my hair. It felt… strange thinking about that, so I quickly moved on. I looked at the digital clock resting on the nightstand. It was 10:43 am. I didn't know how long I'd been in bed. I wasn't sure what the local time had been when we'd arrived on L4, and I hadn't checked the clock when I finally collapsed into bed last night.

I had slept fitfully. If I had not been so emotionally drained I'm sure I wouldn't have slept at all. I had woken a couple of times, tossing and turning restlessly. On one of those occasions, I had thought I'd seen Heero sitting in the desk chair, watching me, but it must have been a dream. My gaze traveled to the chair, which was in its proper position, tucked into the desk and facing away from the bed. Yes, a dream. Why would Heero have been watching me sleep, after all?

I groaned and rolled over yet again, wincing. My arms and legs absolutely ached, a mix of needle-sharp prickling sensations and the itch that signaled some of the older cuts were starting to heal. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to face everyone. I didn't want to go to a psych evaluation. I wanted this all to be a bad dream. I wanted my whole damn life to be just a bad dream.

I dragged myself to a sitting position as I heard a door close down the hall, and footsteps disappear down the stairs. Some people, at least, were up and about. If I didn't get up soon, someone would probably be in here looking for me. Making sure I hadn't hung myself with the bedsheets in the middle of the night. I climbed out of bed reluctantly. I didn't want anyone to come in here and see me in just my boxers. Only Sally had seen the extent of the damage, and I intended to keep it that way. The others seeing the bandages and knowing just how much I had cut myself would not be beneficial to my new plan.

That's right, I now had a plan. One that even I knew was probably not terribly smart, but I was desperate and I didn't know what else to do. Last night I decided that I would shield my friends from all this… shit. If I acted like it was all no big deal, then maybe they would, too. I would act "normal", go to the doctor, and convince my friends that everything was okay, and that I was better. Then they would leave me alone again, and I wouldn't be hurting them anymore. I couldn't stand to see them looking at me like they had been yesterday. So I would act how they expected me to act, and then they wouldn't look at me like that again.

Of course, I had no idea how I was going to make this work. It was me doing such a bang-up job of acting "normal" at Quatre's last time that started this whole mess. And they hadn't known then. My mind fled from pondering this. The plan had to work. I couldn't accept the possibility that it wouldn't. I had just been tired, off my game. I can be exceedingly good at pretending to be happy when I have to be. I'd done it convincingly enough throughout the whole war, hadn't I? Yes, I could handle this. I would. There was no other option.

The biggest problem was how I'd acted yesterday. I grimaced, remembering what a weepy, hysterical mess I'd been in front of Hilde, Heero, and Sally. It would be toughest to convince them that I was okay, that it had been a one-time thing. I still couldn't believe I'd cried in front of them. I never cry. At least that's what I like to tell myself. I couldn't let it happen again.

Crazy plan, huh? But then again, I never claimed to be thinking straight.

First things first. I wrinkled my nose at how gross I felt. I really would have loved to get a shower, but it just wasn't possible right then. I hadn't felt this dirty since my days as a street rat. I must have been getting spoiled to have even noticed how rank I was getting, though I guess teenage boys are more, shall we say, "fragrant" than little kids. At least my hair was clean, and once again I deftly avoided thinking about just how my hair had gotten clean. I trudged into the bathroom, found a washcloth, and proceeded to scrub every part of me that could be comfortably reached and wasn't swathed in bandages. It hurt my arms terribly, but it had to be done. I even managed to brush out my hair, though there was no way I was going to manage to braid it myself. Maybe Hilde (or Heero…) would do it. I did feel better, though, just being a bit clean.

I returned to my room and pulled on the first clothes I pulled out of my bag, which were, unsurprisingly, black and priest-style. I took the scalpel out of the pocket of the pants I'd worn yesterday and stared at it for a moment. As much as I wanted to take it with me, I knew it would be crazy. With a lump in my throat I tucked it safely away in my bag. I ducked back into the bathroom to grab my brush and my hair tie, and to give myself one last appraisal before joining the others. I composed myself, drawing deep breaths, and let my mask slip into place. It had been awhile, but it was familiar, this mask, too familiar, and I knew then that I really could make this work. I could convince my friends that yes, I was sick, but it was only temporary and soon I would be just fine again. I opened my eyes and turned to face the mirror.

I studied my reflection critically. Still too pale and thin, eyes looking hollow, but if I forced myself to eat then I knew that soon I wouldn't look quite so haggard. "I am Duo Maxwell," I said out loud. "I am a Gundam pilot. I am Shinigami. I do not cry, I do not become hysterical, and I most definitely do not fall to pieces. I am a happy person." I grinned wickedly, and if it wasn't for the gauntness of my face, I could almost believe that it was just as convincing as every other false grin I'd ever flashed my friends.

As I made my way downstairs I heard voices coming from what had to be the dining room. It seemed that the others were just sitting down to either a very late breakfast or an early lunch. I couldn't help but pause outside the door and listen for a moment. I remembered ruefully how I had done much the same thing the morning after the disastrous party.

"Maybe someone should go see if he's up yet?" Quatre was asking, his voice laced with concern.

"He needs rest. If he's still sleeping we should let him be for now. The appointment is at one, so if he's still sleeping at noon someone should wake him then," Sally responded.

"You still haven't told us what happened yesterday," Wufei said. There was a pause during which no one spoke. Just as it seemed the silence would stretch on forever Hilde spoke up.

"Well," she began hesitantly, "I'm not really sure what to tell you. Duo did say he would prefer for us to tell you than for him to do it himself. But he didn't say whether or not he wanted to be here when you were told."

"Surely there is something you can tell us? You can't just show up with Duo looking like… like that and not tell us anything." Wufei pressed, sounding irritated. I could almost picture the vein on his temple starting to throb. I actually had to repress a snicker. It always amazed me that even when I was feeling my lowest, I can still usually find humour in things. And I could laugh. Really laugh. I didn't understand it. What kind of sense does it make that someone who seriously contemplates suicide could be able to laugh? Maybe it's what lent a much-needed air of credibility to my joker's mask. I really could laugh in the face of death.

I heard Hilde sigh. "We showed up at Duo's apartment early yesterday evening and things were… bad. Really bad. We argued, but eventually Duo agreed to come with us. It was necessary to stop by Sally's clinic before we left L2. That's all I'm really comfortable saying without talking to Duo first."

"We understand that, Hilde, it's just that we are concerned." Quatre said. He sounded very tired. "I know that it was best for just the three of you to go, no matter how much I wanted to go with you. I can't even begin to say how on edge I was here, waiting to hear from you. And then when Heero called from the clinic, I didn't know what to think."

"We certainly didn't mean to worry you all further. It's just that certain things are best discussed… face to face." Sally replied.

"It is really bad, isn't it?" Quatre sounded distraught, and guilt tore through my heart. His voice lowered then, to barely above a whisper, and I had to strain to catch his words. They made every muscle in my body freeze. "Did… did he try to… kill himself?" He was met with silence.

I decided I had listened long enough. I took a deep breath, forced myself to relax, pasted a bright smile on my face, and strode into the room.

"Good morning! And how is everyone this fine day? I hope there's lots of food to go around, I'm famished!" I said, surprising even myself with just how cheerful I sounded. Everyone was looking at me as if I had two heads, and believe me, that was a funny expression to see on Wufei's face. I grinned. "What, cat got everyone's tongues?" I seated myself between Hilde and Sally, and across from Quatre.

"D-Duo?" Hilde asked, staring at me wide-eyed.

"You were expecting someone else?" I joked easily. At least it seemed as if it was easy. In reality, I don't think I'd ever felt more on edge in my life. Everyone was staring at me. Three of those people knew, knew the most shameful thing about me. The others were about to find out. It was going to take my best performance to play this down. But hearing the pain in Quatre's voice as he had uttered those last few words had reminded me why it was important to do so. My resolve was hardened, and I would not fail.

"Of course not, it's just that I wasn't expecting… well, frankly I just wasn't expecting you to be in such a… good mood this morning," she finally replied.

"Because of yesterday? Oh, that, yeah, I haven't… been well. I really hadn't been feeling well for a few months and I guess it all caught up to me." I didn't feel the need to mention that those few months could more accurately be described as a couple of years. "But it's not like the end of the world or anything, you know? I'm sorry I freaked you guys out. I'll go see the doctor, and I'm sure he or she'll be able to help me out and everything will be fine." I hoped I sounded sufficiently flippant.

"Duo, this is really serious. You can't just brush it off like this. You don't have to pretend that everything is fine. We were in fact just discussing with the others what happened yesterday…," Sally began, but I cut her off.

"Oh, that," I gave my best embarrassed laugh. "It's really rather embarrassing. I can't believe you guys saw me like that." I forced myself to grin, and I practically had to spit out my next words. "You can go ahead and tell the others, no secrets amongst friends, right?" Another embarrassed laugh. "Geez, I really don't know what came over me. Nothing like that's ever happened to me before." The lie tasted bitter, though I tried to tell myself it was just a white lie, that it was for their own good. I still knew it was a lie. "And I'm not brushing it off. I know it's serious. I'm here, aren't I? I'm going to the doctor. It's just not the big deal you seem to think it is. Everyone doesn't feel well now and then, right?" I poured myself a glass of orange juice, studiously ignoring Sally's gaze.

"I don't know what you're trying to pull, Duo, but it's not going to work. We are all your friends here. You don't have to hide from us. You don't have to be embarrassed or ashamed of what happened yesterday. It's not going to change how anyone feels for you." Sally said softly.

I swallowed hard. "Hey, who's trying to hide? I'm here, I'm going to see the doctor like you wanted. It's not like I did it on purpose. Like I said, I hadn't been feeling well, and I had been drinking too much, not smart, I know. I didn't know what I was doing. Man, you don't really think I meant to do it, do you? That it's like, a serious problem?" I forced out some laughter, though it sounded a bit more nervous than I had intended. I started helping myself to the scrambled eggs piled in a serving dish.

"You don't expect us to believe it was an accident, do you?" Sally asked in disbelief.

"For Heaven's sake, what are you talking about? What happened yesterday? Why did you have to go to the clinic?" Quatre suddenly cried out, startling everybody. Silence reigned for a few moments.

"Duo… hurt himself," Heero said, speaking up for the first time. I looked at him. He looked back at me, his face expressionless, except perhaps that his lips seemed firmly pressed together. And, well, he seemed to be looking at me rather… intensely. I quickly turned away, flushing slightly.

Wufei's eyes narrowed. "What do you mean… hurt himself?"

I swallowed hard again. It was taking all of my self control not to bolt from the room. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this… I repeated the words in my head like a mantra.

Heero didn't seem forthcoming with any more information, so Hilde spoke up, her voice strained and barely above a whisper. "He c-cut up his arms… all over his arms, with a razor blade," That's right, she hadn't seen my thighs, only Sally had. "Right before we showed up, he had been cutting his w-wrist, he was going to…"

"No!" I snapped, startling everyone again. "I wasn't trying to kill myself!"

"B-but you even said…"

"No, I wasn't trying to kill myself. I was still half-drunk if I said otherwise, or you just misunderstood me! I don't know why I… I… did what I did," I couldn't bring myself to say the words. "But I'm not suicidal or anything!" I made myself laugh. The air in the room was just getting too tense.

"You… cut up your arms?" Quatre asked, his voice hollow, his expression pained.

I closed my eyes briefly. God, this was horrible. "Yes," I admitted, my stomach twisting. "But it's never happened before and it most certainly won't happen again! And I wasn't trying to kill myself. I was sick, out of it. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't do it on purpose!" I insisted, using all of my self control to keep the desperation out of my voice. God, I hated lying.

"What about the scars…" Sally began.

"So I have scars, so what?" I snapped, sounding a lot more irritable than I liked. "Everyone sitting at this table has scars from the war. Before that I lived on the street, and life could be rough. It's nothing!" I smiled, hoping I looked convincing.

"Nothing!? But-" Sally argued.

"It's nothing!" I repeated vehemently, keeping the smile on my face so that I didn't look desperate. "I had a bad… incident, but I'm all bandaged up," I waved my arms about in the air a bit for emphasis, managing not to wince. "But everything's okay. Oh, that reminds me. Hilde, would you mind?" I asked, holding the hairbrush out to her and producing the hair tie from my pocket.

"Oh, um, sure," she replied, looking dazed. She rose and stood behind me, brushing and then braiding my hair. Silence reigned in the room for the time being. I forced myself to eat some of the food I'd piled on my plate, though I was anything but hungry, and I tried not to think about how nice it would have been to have Heero braid my hair. I was glad the hoped for distraction of Hilde braiding my hair had worked, and I took this opportunity to study the others. Sally looked to be quietly fuming, but then I'd suspected she'd be hardest to sway. She was a doctor, and she'd seen the damage, cleaned and bandaged it even. Wufei and Quatre were both picking at their food, both looking terribly confused, like they didn't know what to think. Quatre also looked like he might be trying to keep himself from crying, and I felt bad about that. Trowa looked as unaffected as usual, though he did reach out to rub Quatre's back in a reassuring manner. Quatre smiled at him gratefully. Trowa's eyes met mine briefly, and yet again I was struck by the quiet understanding I saw there. Heero had returned to eating, though he kept glancing at me with narrowed eyes that made my heart flutter uncomfortably.

The silence was beginning to weigh on me. "So, uh, Quatre, how's business?" I asked as cheerfully as I could manage. Quatre looked up, looking grateful for the distraction. We spent the rest of the meal that way, in mindless chatter about trivial things. At least, Quatre and I did, with the others adding the occasional comment. I could tell that they still felt uncomfortable. I couldn't blame them. I can honestly say that I'd never felt more awkward in my life, but I think I covered it well.

Eventually, it came time to leave for the hospital. It seemed that everyone was going. I didn't know why everyone felt the need to go, but I didn't argue, as that may have suggested that I was uncomfortable with the situation. I most certainly was, but they couldn't know that. I continued to act as lighthearted as possible as we all piled into one of Quatre's limos, even though I felt like I was on my way to an execution.

TBC