Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Shifted View ❯ Lay Your Hands on Me ( Chapter 2 )

Lay Your Hands on Me

There's not an ounce of honesty in these women. The silk flowers of the elite, belles of the ball. I'm just a trophy to them. Why did they invite me here? Why did I accept? They want me to stand up now and give another speech. I'm so tired. There has to be more than this. There has to be more than smiles and handshakes, luncheons and speeches. Do they believe me? Do they really want a better world? Do they really want their children to grow up whole? Sometimes I wonder if they even hear my words.

It's not just this group. I'm spending my life trying to convince the whole world to live with dignity. I wonder if they even understand the word. It seems they want someone else to do the work for them, someone else to die for their sins, again and again. They want ruined children to bear the weight of their hate and fear. What do they want from me?

I think they want a side show healer. They want miracles to spring from the tips of my fingers. They want a holy queen. Once upon a time, not so long ago, this princess was a queen.

I mustn't smirk. Smirking is not a ladylike gesture. They will see, and they will doubt. Oh, Mother I'm finding it harder and harder to perform, to lie, to be in control. It was so easy once. When he was here, miracles did happen. I knew I could change the world. I knew it with absolute certainty simply because he needed me to do it. But perhaps this is better after all. Perhaps I'm not strong enough to be his savior. Perhaps it is best that I smile and speak and not worry if they're listening.

Sat in the corner of the Garden Grill, with plastic flowers

on the window sill

No more miracles, loaves and fishes, been so busy with the

washing of the dishes

Reaction level's much too high - I can do without the stimuli

Alone. Again. In this hollow, aching room. My face has changed. I am looking at myself but that face is empty, empty of me. What is wrong with me? Where did my will go? It seemed like once I knew something. I knew something with certainty. Where did these doubts come from? Maybe this is growing up. Maybe growing means losing the blinders on the sides of your face. I don't know how to continue this fight alone.

I'm calling you, Heero. Can you hear me? Can you hear me, Heero?

And he is there.

The truth. Trapped in my mirror, lurking in a corner of my room. I am unable to turn as he walks towards me. I am staring at him through the boundary of glass, the go between of reflection. He has become elongated. Everything pulled up and stretched too thin over muscle and bone. Emaciated. Is this how the world repaid you? They stretched you and pulled you into a ragged, haggard man.

I feel myself turning. He is so close. I'd know him blindfolded. Fire. I smell smoke and leather, burning out of his skin. His face is gaunt, but his eyes are the same. "Heero." Can you save me? I look closely. I see winter's ice cracking in those eyes. Or am I to save you this time? How can he be here? How can he still be in such pain? He still needs me. He needs me. This is true need. This is a truth worth fighting for.

I'm living way beyond my ways and means, living in the

zone of the in-betweens

I can see the flashes on the frozen ocean, static charge of

the cold emotion

Watched on by the distant eyes - watched on by the silent

hidden spies

How long has he been here? Watching. He looks ill. I reach up to touch his face. Ah, so smooth. The skin of his cheek. How can such force be so soft. Is he always this hot? My god, he's burning up! "Heero, you're sick! We have to get you to a doctor. Heero, can you hear me?" Has he gone deaf? "Oh, God Heero." I don't think he's sane anymore. How can I save him? How can I save him, when I can't even save myself.

But still the warmth flows through me

And I sense you know me well

No luck, no golden chances

No mitigating circumstances now

It's only common sense

There are no accidents around here

"I want to kill you."

Ah. Ahh. Perhaps this is the end. In all the world no-one knows my worth better than you, Heero. You alone know the truth. Perhaps this is the end. I am relieved.

"I am willing to die if you think it is time, Heero."

No gun. Just his hands. The power of his hands. His thumb runs down my windpipe. His hands are on my neck. I feel my body. Only now is my body alive. Heero. I will die in ecstasy in your hands.

Oh, God. His mouth on my neck. His scent so strong, running heat through my veins. My bones are come loose. This. This. This is to be alive. This is why I am alive.

I want to touch you. I want to feel you. Your body is shaking; I can feel it under my hands.

"No!"

He's pushing me away. He's always pushing me away. Why? But I see the unbelievable. I see him crying. When did we

fall apart? When did we get so weak? I try to hold him. I try to heal him, hold him, give myself to him. I am yours, Heero. I am yours. But he is gone. Into darkness, into night. He is gone again.

I am willing - lay your hands on me

I am ready - lay your hands on me

I believe - lay your hands on me, over me

I will continue. I will be strong. Truth demands my strength. But these horrible men surround me, laughing their bloated laughs, so full of themselves...so full of the world they've eaten whole. They chuckle, they gurgle, they are bubbling over with their mirth. I am nothing to them. I am their precious pawn. I am Bo Peep, keeping their sheep. I am keeping their sheep to be slaughtered when they tire of milk and honey, and crave blood once again. How many of them want me dead? How many of them want me in their bed? How do I battle these men? Smile, Relena. Smile.

Working in gardens, thornless roses, fat men play with their

garden hoses

Poolside laughter has a cynical bite, sausage speared by the

cocktail satellite

I walk away from from light and sound, down stairways

leading underground

I see my escape through the cocktail crowd. Emergency exit. Well, I think this qualifies. No alarms, just stairs. Concrete, bleak, cracked and colorless. Where is this leading to? Down. Down and away from sound. A large letter G on the door. I open into dim light and echoing silence. A parking garage. I am safe. I am alone. I am breathing again. I smell...I smell something, an undercurrent of fire, incense of skin. I know he is near.

"Heero?"

The gun is back. Maybe this time he'll do it. Maybe this time I can save him. Maybe this time I'll lose. Maybe. Maybe.

But still the warmth flows through me

And I sense you know me well

It's only common sense

There are no accidents around here

"Please, let me help you. Let me help." His arms are whips, they flash and crack and my throat is in his hands again. The memory of his mouth on my skin brings my body to life once more. I did not know I was dead until I met you, Heero. And I feel his breath against my neck, whispering in my ear. "Get in the car."

How did he know I would come here? Is this planned? No, this is not a plan. He is hot-wiring the car. There is no plan. I am forced into the driver's seat, the gun still trained on my head. Why? Why is this so twisted and turned? Why can't he tell me what he needs? I look over and I see madness etched into the creases of his face. The corners of his eyes, the corners of his mouth they are barely held together. Where are we going?

"Where are we going, Heero?"

His body spasms and his hands clamp over his head. He's covering his ears. Shaking his head in slow, decisive cycles. How did you fall this far? How can I bring you back?

I am willing - lay your hands on me

I am ready - lay your hands on me

I believe - lay your hands on me, over me

over me

"Pull over." I comply.

"Look at me."

I don't want to see you like this. I wanted us to save the world. I don't want to see you like this.

"Look at me!"

I feel myself cracking, shivering, shattering inside. Where is hope? Where is truth? Where is the Heero I knew?

"Don't leave me now, Relena."

I am stunned. So pitiful, so small, so unsure. He needs me. This is why I fight. This is why I'm here. His eyes are closed and I trace the contours of his face. So pure. So easily ruined. His throat catches as he tries to speak.

"Why aren't you afraid of me?"

Afraid? He folds himself into my arms like the child he never was. Afraid of my death? Your judgment? My failure? I believe. I believe we can be whole. We will make ourselves whole, Heero. "You are the truth, Heero. I am no longer afraid of the truth."

This is no child. This is urgent need. Hands on my breasts. I am succulent, I am needed, I am his life. I am alive. I want this more than anything. I want this, now. But the steering wheel is in the way. He is pressing me into the window, climbing into me, but there is nowhere for him to go. "Back." I hear my voice break through. He doesn't hear me. His mouth is on my neck, my leg is wedged between the gear shift and his knee. "Back seat." I can't find coherent words. I want to feel him closer. I want to feel his weight on me. He is becoming frantic in his need, and I hear my blouse rip open. His mouth. I feel his teeth biting into my flesh, and his hand against my aching need. Oh, God! My whole being is naked to his touch, I feel his hand against my sex. In clarity I pull the lever behind me, and the seat collapses.

Suddenly his hands are gone. I am straining towards him. Why did you take your hands away? Bring them back! Lay your hands on me! "Don't stop, Heero. Please."

I am begging. I am begging to exist. I want to be alive. I want to live in purity again.

"I can't remember, Relena. I can't remember. I don't know anything else. I only remember killing. I only remember killing."

I am pinned below him, caught in his gaze. You are too pure, Heero. Too pure to ignore your pain. So beautiful. How can such beauty be trapped in one person? How can I free you from this burden of beauty? Do you know how much I need you? How can I make you believe again?

"You have more. You are more in your heart than killing. You have given life, Heero. You saved us all. You are free now. There is more. There is more than this, Heero. I know there is. I believe there is more. But I cannot find it without you. Please, Heero. There has to be more."

Change. A shift within him. I feel it like a sigh around me. His eyes are clear. His body is gentle. I feel his weight upon me, and for the first time, I feel his lips against mine.

I am not alone. I am not alone anymore.

Lay your hands on me

Lay your hands on me

Lay your hands on me, over me