Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ So it Started ❯ Part Two ( Chapter 2 )

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Gundam Wing Characters >.<

Warnings: Angst, Yaoi, twt… self hatred? But of course!

Pairings: 1+2, 3+4

Notes: Here starts the lovely, angst part two. Enjoy!

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So it Started

Part two

All the next day, my mind was occupied with thoughts of Duo. Well, I can not seriously say that it was a new thing for me. My mind had decided long ago that Duo was a wonderful subject to think about, and no matter how much I tried, those annoying thoughts were stuck inside, wouldn't leave. He seemed cheerful, but still not as happy as he was when I wasn't being so cold to him. When I wasn't glaring at his every glance. I felt that if I were to act so cruel to him then he would leave… then he would stop this tormenting. But he never did, it never worked, which left me with even more confusion. Did he actually need me… maybe feeling the same thing inside of himself that I was… hurting… throbbing… frightened feelings of what was happening?

That night, as he entered my room, around the same time as usual, I was waiting for him. Not that that was anything new, I had always waited for him to come in, but tonight… was not the same. I knew what I wanted… I knew what I should do to calm myself… to stop the painful feelings. I was hesitant… I know I was… I didn't really want to lose control like I knew I would. But… I needed this… the pull was too strong for me to resist any longer.

The door slammed shut behind him, I could see he was startled that I had pushed him, hard, against the wooden surface. My eyes bore into him for a second, trying to read him, silently asking the thousand questions running through my brain. I managed only a whisper.

"Why?"

I leaned forward, taking in his smell as I did so… the sweet scent that made my stomach flutter. I couldn't stop myself from kissing him, deeper than we had before… hands clamping down on his wrists… as if afraid he was going to leave me.

His eyes were closed tight as I pulled away, head leaning down, breath tickling my neck.

He was beautiful…

How had I not noticed before?

His longs chestnut hair, bright eyes, muscular frame… his voice… all of them I seemed to just notice now. Like I hadn't seen them everyday, like I've never looked at them until now. I was falling… falling into my feelings… the unknown. I don't think I would ever again be able to break free from them, ever again be able to go back to how things were.

Would I really want to go back?

I did not know the answer… I could not think of it all that long night, as I lay in my bed, alone, mind wandering to Duo. I was falling… and I was lost.

I had never been frightened before meeting Duo. Why… why couldn't I stop? Why is he making me feel this way… falling… falling… falling… I can't get up again.

Some things seem so right… like they are too perfect. I believed that it would last, the moments I treasured with Duo. I thought it would never change… thought he would never leave me. We hadn't done anything… more than kiss. I barely even talked to him, mainly listened to his never ending jabber. I hadn't really known what more there was. I might have done anything for Duo, at the time… I would have given him anything were he to only ask.

I found myself actually thinking that I did not want to die, for the first time… thinking that if I did die, I would not get to see Duo's smile again. My missions turned into a game, one in which I had to complete as fast as I could, so in order to get home to him… waiting for me… waiting to kiss me goodnight… to fill me with the calmness I found I liked very much.

He never acted, or showed, to the others that anything was going on between us. But I was naïve then, I didn't even really understand what 'was' between us. I thought that maybe this was as far as it would ever go… forever… just him kissing me goodnight. Him, wrapped comfortably in my arms before leaving, to go off on his own.

I needed it to last.

But… the perfect shattered quickly into something I had feared… without even knowing at first what it meant.

I was walking to my room, just got done cleaning the dishes after dinner. Duo had gone on ahead of everyone, saying he was tired. His bedroom door was partly opened as I walked by. I would have ignored it if I had not heard the voices coming from inside, the hushed whispering that peaked my curiosity. My former self would have ignored it, but now, having newly discovered the curious side to myself, I peeked in to see who Duo was talking to.

What I saw… tore me. What I saw… was Duo and Trowa. Nothing was abnormal about them talking to each other, that is… until Duo leaned in, kissing the tall boy on his cheek, pulling away with a whisper of something I could only guess what it could have been.

I broke.

I bled… not outwardly… but inside… something snapped… I didn't even understand what this reaction was.

Jealousy? Betrayal? Hate? Fear?

The need to run grew too much, I found myself wanting to escape more than anything… run away… so I did.

A week was spent in the hanger, a week sleeping in my Wing, my Gundam. I didn't eat, the times I did fall asleep were filled with Duo… nightmares. They were not scary, they were not filled with his death or any other image that one would picture a nightmare to contain. They were just of him… they were of my memories… and I hated them. I would wake up, shivering from the cold nights air, eyes stinging slightly, as if I wanted to… cry? Shed the unknown tears? The picture of Duo kissing Trowa… I wanted more than anything to forget. I wanted to bury it with all my other painful emotions. I wanted them to leave… go and hide where they had been stored most of my life.

They would not leave!

I could not get rid of them once their lid had been finally opened. Could never go back to how I was, simple minded. Nothing would make me feel better… this pain… this… envy? For what could have been. It was never going to leave.

Time… was not something I had considered. I did not know that time would heal, I did not think that I would ever get well… even though it is suppose to be common knowledge. Like being wounded in battle, the scars will only disappear over long years. The human mind is too strong to just give up, to just shut down and take the pain. So it heals, the slow process of forgetting that incident of pain. But right then, I seriously felt like I would never get better, that I would be trapped in this hell forever… never to escape.

I wanted to die… I wanted to cut my heart out, the thing that was throbbing most. Maybe that was the first time I realized how much Duo had meant to me… how much I had needed him.

My week was up, I knew I needed food. No matter how much I wanted to just sit there, not moving, and waste away, the soldier in my brain kept scolding me, and would not let me have my one wish. I walked up the dirt road, thin, weak… I bet I looked awful. I prayed no one would see me until I at least took a shower, maybe had something to eat. Of course, that prayer wasn't answered.

As I entered the door, the first thing I saw was Duo, sitting on the steps, as if waiting for me to enter. His violet eyes were wide as he took in my appearance. My head turned, quickly away in the other direction, not wanting to look at him… too afraid of what would happen if I did. I just pushed my way past him, ignoring the prying eyes.

"Heero…" He called after, following me to my room. I didn't need this… I didn't need to see him… I couldn't take it anymore. I was sick of it, sick of this. My stomach twisted in pain… wanting to puke. But there was nothing to throw up. Dry heaving wouldn't be a good feeling, so I took a deep breath, getting my mind far from the nauseated feeling as possible.

"Are… Heero? Are you alright?" The door closed lightly behind him. I just stood in the middle of the room, back facing him as he questioned me… with such worry lining his voice.

Was he really that concerned? Or was it just a mask, another one he put on to fool me. The joker playing another trick. Well, I was feeling really cruel as well at that moment. So I spit out the first angry words that I could think of, "Like you would care." They were suppose to make him leave, they weren't suppose to make me feel even sicker, head filling with such pain.

"Heero… of course I care…"

"Just leave me alone!" I yelled. "Why don't you just go kiss Trowa goodnight instead. I don't want a part of this any longer!" That shocked me. That shocked him. I could tell by the gasp that escaped his lips. My head spun around, eyes boring into him angrily. His thin hand was covering his mouth, his other one desperately searching for the handle of the door. Violet eyes… wide… was he scared?

He fled.

And I broke a little more inside.

I was expecting him to deny it. I was hoping that he would explain.

I got nothing.

He didn't even deny… he didn't…

No comfort… only more pain… I hated this… I hated it… I hated myself.

Mornings… always were suppose to be better. The start of a new day, start of a new beginning sort of thing. I didn't feel all that fresh, I was feeling ill, feeling like I would hurl any second. The reason was probably because of my lack of sleep, my lack of appetite. No one asked me why I looked so… horrible. My eyes had dark rings under them, my clothes were wrinkled, showing how little I seemed to care about my appearance. Everyone did seem to be staring at me though, Quatre especially worried. He must have been sensing something with that annoying talent of his. I think they were too afraid to brooch a forbidden subject though, because no one asked questions, else I might have snapped at them like an angry dog.

Duo… hadn't come downstairs. Making them worry. Wufei, surprisingly, had been the one to go and check on him, only coming back to tell us that it was because he wasn't feeling good.

Was Duo lying to them? Lying like he had to me. All those times… I had thought I was… I had thought I meant something to him. Thought that he needed me, as much as I needed him. But those were only my lies… the ones put in place to keep me from questioning myself.

He'd never need me… not when he had Trowa. I wondered who else he had dragged into his little game… who else he had fooled.

I couldn't bring myself to look at Trowa, sitting across from me, nor anyone… I couldn't even bring myself to finish my breakfast. I left the kitchen table with a greater pained heart than I had felt this morning.

The pieces were falling… I was almost completely gone.

Three day… two hours and fourteen minutes, since the time I had last seen Duo, he entered my room. Eyes sunken in, red, like he had been crying. But something inside my head told me there was no way he would ever cry for me… it was only his ploy to get my forgiveness. Red eyes could easily be obtained by constant rubbing. I wasn't going to play into his game again. That is why I sent him out, barely listening to his please, begging me to speak to him.

He came back every night… every night to say the same thing, to break me a little bit more.

"Heero… please listen to me!" His arms were wrapped around my shoulders, head buried into my back as I stood away from him. I said nothing, like I was ignoring him.

"It didn't mean anything… it… it didn't. Please, please stop… I swear it didn't… Trowa was just… he was just…"

"Just what?" I was surprised at myself for spitting those angry words out. I hadn't spoken to him in days. Hadn't voiced any of the questions in my mind, the answers that I desperately wanted.

Duo seemed to stiffen before he pulled away, eyes miserable, lip sucked in slightly as he tried to think of a response. I didn't feel sorry for him… or maybe I did… but the anger inside of me, the anger towards Trowa seemed to block out all other emotions for the moment. I liked that, I wanted to become even more… raged, maybe then would I be able to be the soldier, the cold soldier, once again.

"I can't… I can not tell you…" He whispered.

I pushed him out of my room quickly after that. He just looked at me before I close the door in front of him, violet eyes sliding shut, his head shaking back and forth sadly… or was it disappointment showing on his features? A soft click sounded as I locked the door, intending to keep it like that so he would not be able to enter tomorrow… or the next day. Never again… if this is the consequence for believing in something, someone… then I don't ever want to trust again. People are cruel… people will only break you up inside, tear you apart…

I remember thinking, somewhere in my mind, some voice shouting in my head… calling me the fool.

I didn't care anymore… I don't know why I ever did. Duo could do what he wants. I have no control, had no control over him… in the first place.

He can go to Trowa… I won't care anymore… I will not. I do not.

Once again, I lied to myself. For lying always helped. Lying always fixed me up… if only for a short while.

That night I closed my eyes.

That night I closed my mind.

If I could not go back to how I used to be, then I would become what I never was.

I sat crossed legged on the floor, something I had watched Wufei do in his spare time. Something like meditating… but this was far different. I let my mind wander, I became nothing… I wanted to be blank, like a empty canvas, like new. I started to forget… I willed away my pain, my happiness, everything must go. My emotions swirled in my mind, clearly for me to feel, see, almost taste. I pushed them away. I would not deal with them again. Lock them in that room in my mind, throw away the key. Never again… I would never feel again.

I did not get mad when Trowa came to talk to me that next night. I did not hurt inside as I listened to him. Nor did I feel relived with what he told me. I was nothing, an emotionless doll forever more. Nothing could ever hurt me again.

I barely listened to Trowa as he told me about their mission, the one he recently had with Duo, the one which had kept them away for a week. I tried to shut out the sound of him telling me how things went bad, they got caught, got beat daily. Trowa confessed to me, and said that Duo meant a lot to him, he cared for him greatly. After hard times you become closer to people, he had said, after horrible memories you begin to learn more, see more in others.

I did not understand. I did not want to understand.

He apparently told Duo a secret of his, and only to me now… since Duo had requested. The secrets about his feelings for a certain individual. But not Duo. Trowa told me all of this, seriously looking at my blank, emotionless mask.

Somehow… over that months missions, Trowa had fallen for Quatre. The very same blond boy, probably sitting downstairs right now with his usual cup of coffee.

I should have been surprised, shocked, but I wasn't. I did not care, there was nothing left inside of me. There were no emotions like those.

That night, the night I had looked into Duo's room to see him kiss Trowa, lightly on the cheek, was the night he went to confess to Quatre. Duo was only trying to comfort him… somehow… with that kiss.

It was nothing more.

That was the truth. I knew Trowa wasn't lying to me when telling me all of this. It must have been a hit to his pride to confess all of it to me, knowing that he was giving away something secretive about himself, about his feelings.

But I wouldn't realize the full meaning behind his actions until later. A long while later. For I had never had a friend, one that would help you out like Trowa had just done for Duo. One who would comfort you, give you confidence in your decisions like Duo had done.

Trowa sat silently in front of me for a few minutes after his speech. I think he expected me to say something. To respond? But I still did not feel. Even after all of those… words… they were just words, weren't they? The relief that was suppose to come… it did not… the relief that he had expected to take over inside of me, must have been a disappointment. Trowa left me that night, calling me a fool, for acting that way towards Duo.

'What way?' I had asked myself. For there was only one way now… the painless one. The path I had chosen.

I was a fool.

I told Trowa I did not care. I told him that he and Duo could do whatever they wanted, with my blessings and the works. Stupid, really.

I lied… again. When I said that Duo meant nothing to me. At the time, it did not seem like a lie though. At that time, I was already too far gone, emotions too far buried.

Maybe… there was still a little bit left… maybe… a small amount still remembering my earlier self. Because that night, I decided to go to Duo, one last time.

I walked into Duo's dark room, to find him sitting on the edge of the bed, looking up to me with disbelief. He seemed shocked, in a good way. I should have been thrilled… but I wasn't, there was nothing like that left within me.

"Heero?" He whispered, like he didn't believe it was really me. I didn't say anything as I gathered him up in my arms. I would give him this, I would let him have this last night.

Like I said before, I must not have been as gone as I thought I was, because I actually smiled as he snuggled into me under the covers. Holding onto my shirt tightly. His body started to shudder, maybe in happiness, maybe with sadness, relief? I wouldn't be able to tell you. It could have just been cold.

Mumbled words came out into my shirt, to deformed to catch. And after a moments time I heard the soft,

"Heero… oh gods Heero…" He looked up to me, eyes seeming so sad. "I'm sorry… I never meant… I'm so sorry… I never meant to make you mad. I never meant to hurt you…" I just looked at him blankly as he continued. "I love you… please don't be mad at me anymore." Pleading… his voice carried a hint of desperation.

I froze up where I lay on his bed, next to him. Something was throbbing inside of me again.

I knew I had to leave now, or they would come back… they couldn't come back… not yet… maybe not ever.

~I love you~

Duo had told me he loved me. Did he mean it? That was the answer all along?

The heart inside of me twisted painfully…

No…

I couldn't let this happen again…

I ran.

I knew I would… I knew I would leave right when he fell asleep, sneaking out into the cold night. I knew I might never come back. I'd given Duo that last night, I'd given him what he wanted. But I had to leave, staying there would only cause me to lose it again. I couldn't do that. Maybe when the war was over… maybe when I could afford to go crazy… and lose this valuable control within me.

Maybe then would I return. But, not now, or possibly never if this war did not end soon. Yes, I might not make it out of this hell alive.

Selfish. I was so… cruel.

Right then… in my state of mind… I was too lost to realize I had just fallen off the second step.

TBC.

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And so concludes the second part to the three part story! Yes, only one more part to go. Hope you enjoyed.