Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ So it Started ❯ Part Three ( Chapter 3 )

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Gundam Wing Characters >.<

Warnings: Angst, Yaoi, twt… self hatred? But of course!

Pairings: 1+2, 3+4

Notes: The last, last, LAST part! Enjoy!

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So it Started

Part Three

A month went by. The days passed quickly. The main reason being the amount of fighting going on. And for good reason. Anyone could see the end coming, anyone could watch and tell the desperation each side showed. It got harder… got worse… people died, like always. But I felt no regret. I was doing what I was suppose to. I remember standing, looking out to space for what seemed like hours, mind not occupied with battle strategies for once. I just sat, staring… it felt like I was doing something normal, looking up at the sky. But I could not stop… I watched the stars for most of the night, seeing their dying forms. My mind was calm, there was no static inside driving me crazy, no more voices nagging at me for being weak, acting like I was. I was nothing… and I liked that.

The war ended.

The peace we fought for was trying to set itself in.

People were off celebrating, parties being thrown, invitations handed.

I hated it… I hated to watch… the people looking so happy. They should not be smiling… they should not be toasting to the future… what happened to all those that died? Were they already forgotten in this moment of cheer? What will they think when they wake up the next morning? Would they find themselves fortunate that they did not die? Would they see themselves as lucky for not being apart of the war? Maybe… maybe not… a lot of people were effected… I saw it… I heard it. The families of people we killed… the families we wiped out…

I needed to get away. These thoughts were starting to pull at me, tug at my seal inside.

I almost accepted the invitation to stay with Relena… but I couldn't, I wanted nothing to do with politics, who go off, killing each other in that game they played. So I decided to leave… an unknown destination.

I was lost again.

I had nowhere to go, nothing to do. No more fighting. I could not understand why I didn't just die, why I had to pull away, saving my own life at the last second. The last battle, I think I had gone into it thinking that this was it, this was where my grave would be. My soul forever trapped out here in space.

I was wrong.

Because I was strong… because I survived… and for what? I had not found my own peace. I had not come to terms with myself. That was not something I thought I could do.

Where could I run to now? Where was I suppose to fight, do the only thing I knew how? Pain was starting to come back, memories starting to surface from where I had hid them.

I tried… to push them away. I forced them under once again. Lock and key… pain will never be freed.

Christmas Eve. It had almost been a whole year since that day…

I sat in my dark cabin, secluded in the woods, thinking of what tomorrow would mean. Quatre had tried to contact me, I could tell he had been searching on his computer for one Heero Yuy non stop. Probably wanting to invite me to a Christmas party, so much like the one a year ago, tomorrow. So much like the one that had started my agony.

Selfish…

A package came in the mail yesterday. A package addressed to no one but me. I didn't want to open it. I was too afraid of what I would find. Maybe a sweater from Relena, a Christmas present from the other pilots. I didn't want anything to do with them anymore. I did not want to take the chance that the cut would return. The bleeding would come back. But… it seems I could not stop my curiosity for very long, it seemed I had not been able to get rid of that part of myself, like all the other flawed traits.

Foolish…

I ended up opening the small package, slowly lifting the lid to peer inside. I could not stop my hand from descending, running down to delicately touch the contents. The heart inside of me froze, stopped for what seemed like forever… my eyes took to widen, in shock.

Pain.

Fear.

I remember, watching as the small box fell from my limp hands, almost as if in slow motion, tumbling down to crash on the wooden floor. My eyes were not blinking, staring in horror at my… present? Was this my Christmas present?

~I love you~

Duo's words… the words I had purposely forgotten, rang through my head.

~I never meant to hurt you… I love you… please don't be mad at me anymore~

Duo… was in this much… pain… I had hurt him? I did.

Selfish… cruel…

Why?

Tell me what I should do! Someone needs to tell me!

The confused voices in my head had returned. I had never felt so dead… so lost… so confused… so miserable… and all because of one little package.

The memories surfaced.

The pain came back.

I remember screaming… screaming so loudly, out here, all alone. No one could have ever heard me. I remember clutching my hands to my head to stop the onslaught of horrible visions. Horrible… so much pain…

Laying collapsed on the floor, a long time after… I stared at the ceiling. My body was too exhausted to move, mind gone numb once again. I did not want to get up, did not want to even will my eyes to blink. I remember thinking these selfish thoughts… the ones running around in my head. This was nice… if only I could stay like this forever… never having to move… to feel.

Yes, those were only selfish thoughts. Ones I needed to get rid of.

It took me an hour before I finally managed to stand, limbs protesting the whole way. My minds only concern now was getting to my computer… the few steps to my laptop, then I would be able to feel better.

I didn't care anymore… I didn't care anymore… about the consequences. I wanted to see Duo. I wanted to be with him…

~I love you~

I think… I knew now what those horrible feelings, emotions inside of me were screaming, they were trying to get me to see… to admit that I longed for him. Needed him? I wanted to see him so bad… so much, it hurt. Was that what the… throbbing inside of me was telling? But I welcomed this pain now… for I was alive… living things felt the horrible sting. And it didn't feel so bad now. I had lasted to see another day… I would go to Duo whether he wanted me to or not.

I would not hurt him again.

Duo had… he had given me the one gift I could never ask for… he'd given me something that must have cost him dearly. I had hurt him. I had blamed him for all my suffering… but he… was he feeling just the same? But hiding it from me? All those times I could see his mask slipping, all those times he showed me his depressed… almost longing self. He was trying to tell me something, to reach me.

I only pushed him away…

Had I lost him?

I typed quickly, searched quickly and prayed that I wasn't too late. I needed him, I needed to see him. He was worth more than I could give him now… being with him, being able to see the smile. But, I didn't think I would be able to take this… depression… overly depressed to the point of being suicidal… without Duo by my side, once more… I might just wither away…. like I had planned to. I would kill if I hurt him again. Never again, never again will I do that… he had cried. I had made him cry. The red eyed boy, begging me to listen to him… my lies… they were all told in selfishness. I had caused him to tear up inside like he had made me…

How come I am so blind?

Cruel… that is what I was. I admitted that to myself that night, as I searched desperately for the one piece of myself that would pull me back together. Running was, in no way was the answer from suffering. All it did was make things worse. I saw that now… but was it too late?

His apartment was cold as I slipped in. I had stood outside, staring up at the run down place for what seemed like hours. In fear of entering, in fear of what I might find… or would not find. Christmas, I had made it for Christmas, but with the thoughts that he might not be home… he might welcome me… or send me away. The lights were off and it was only five. No one moved from inside… and I was starting to worry. Maybe I should have contacted Quatre instead. To get some reassurance that my choice was the right one, that I was not going into this only to come out as a failure.

I silently made my way through the opened door, a few steps into the small living room before I stopped. My eyes taking a couple seconds to adjust to the lighting, heart beating loudly from the thrill of sneaking in. No one… not a living thing in sight. Dead plants ornamented under the windows. Dirty coffee cups on the side table. But no Duo… no signs of his personality…

I remember his room, at one of the places we stayed during the war, covered in a collection of black. The bed, the weird teddy bear, a couple random accessories. I could clearly remember the thoughts that swirled in my head, calling him a fool for keeping such things, when things were not necessary at the time. But now… right now I was wishing for something like that, the dark colors, to reassure myself that he was still here.

My feet carried me, almost desperately towards the bedroom door down the hall. I was scared… I was frightened… he had to be there… I needed to find him.

The door opened without a sound, and I hesitantly stuck my head through.

Duo.

He was there, on the bed.

Not moving?

My breath quickened as the thought of him being dead broached through my thick skull. I stared, not blinking, waiting for any signs of life. Waiting for the slightest movement. I almost thanked god aloud when his chest rose slightly in breath.

He was asleep… sleeping on Christmas… sleeping away his favorite day of the year. Had I done this to him? Yes… I would not deny it any longer. I would never lie to myself again, only for my selfishness.

I took a deep shaky breath, relief washing over me as I watched him. There had been the initial fear that he had done something stupid… done something… like suicide. Because that is what I might have done… as time went by. I was afraid. More so than I had ever been. I knew it now, if I would have found him hurt… I would have…

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

I took a deep breath, calming myself from those horrible visions… of things that were not to come. I was worrying… it was such a strange thing for me to be doing. But I am not the same as I used to be… no… I am the new person whom likes to fret in my mind. Or maybe I had done so all along, just not recognized what it was. Would not tell myself what I was doing, so as not to find myself weak… another weakness inside of me. Back then… I would not have been able to take that… the knowledge that I am so emotionally unstable. But, right now, as I watched the sleeping form on the bed, I knew I was the weaker of us two. Physical strength is in no way a comparison to that of emotional.

My eyes, slowly, almost as if frightened, went up to rest where his head was laying on the flat pillow. Where I could clearly see the short strands of chestnut, splayed out over the white pillow.

His hair…

Cut… short… maybe only about shoulders length now… he had really done it, hadn't he? He… really did it.

The package, my mind ran over that day once again, when I had opened it… just yesterday, it was. All that was inside… a part of his chestnut colored hair, nicely braided like it had once been. A nice violet colored ribbon holding it together, the one that seemed to match his eyes, to remind me of those beautiful orbs. I had prayed that it was just a hallucination… it felt like his sacred alter had been torn apart and laid at my feet.

He was trying to desperately tell me something.

His last hope… his last ditch effort. He cut his hair as a show of how sorry he was. Everyone knew how precious it was to him. I knew how much remembering his past meant to him. I had lost it, when seeing his crazy attempt to reach me, packed delicately into a small box.

I've harmed him so much…

My eyes stung, they became blurry as I stood there, watching the beautiful rise and fall of his chest.

I had hurt him… those words that kept repeating inside my head. I'd hurt the person whom loved me… the only one who ever cared for me!

I felt the wetness, trickling down my cheek… tears? Was I crying? My hand came up to touch them, fascinated for a second before I was overcome with such sadness, a feeling of… loss. I started to sob, uncontrollably. I knew he might wake up… I couldn't stop though, it felt nice… to finally release all that had been building up inside of me. To let it all go.

I finally broke…

But not in the way I had first thought.

My feelings were shattered, only to be put back together… glued in place by the warm arm that surrounded my body.

I had collapsed to the floor.

Someone was holding me… tightly as I cried… spilling all my pain out through tears. I fell asleep, embraced in that familiar scent… Duo. Hearing him calling my name, telling me it was alright… calming me… calming me just like he had always done.

When I finally awoke, it was completely dark outside. I was on a bed, head rested on someone's shoulder. Duo's shoulder. His fingers were currently tangled in my hair, rubbing my scalp softly, sending a shiver over my blanket covered body. I stirred, causing him to push me back slightly, forcing me to look into his eyes. Those violets I had missed so much… looking straight at me… but seemed to hold the sadness also, the feelings I had seen in him that night I left, those ones I had ignored altogether.

He must have been afraid I would leave him like before, because his hand came down to lace with my fingers, squeezing them tightly. I don't blame him, that was something I should have never done… I shouldn't have left him.

"Duo…" I whispered, moving in closer, I kissed him lightly on the cheek. Trying to give him some reassurance, some comfort. A new beginning, like before.

"I missed you… so much." He breathed in, eyes closing, a long exhale to calm himself down.

"I'm sorry." Was all I could manage to get out as I watched him, struggling with something inside of himself. And I was sorry… more than he would ever know. If only I could show him… if only I could make him see what was going on inside of me. Maybe then he could understand just why I had been so afraid… so confused.

So foolish.

Another kiss, on his other cheek. I wanted to take away the pain that had not yet spilled out.

"I'm sorry." I repeated again. Wanting him to believe me… praying that I wouldn't screw this chance up. I had never seen him cry, or break down before. He had always been so strong… always was the stronger of us. I knew he did cry though, but never in front of anyone, it was one of those things one did not show… did not share their weakness. And I watched, mesmerized, for the first time as the water poured down his beautiful face, silently falling to collect around his jaw.

"Heero…" My name was said as if out of breath, as if he had been running for so long, finally coming to a stop. As if seeing me for the first time, amazed, the breathless whisper had me shivering where I lay.

"Why did you come back?" That question was bound to come. I thought he would have asked why I had left, though. Why I had gone without one word, without anything to tell him I was alright. That must have been on his mind… always wondering where the reasons for my disappearing lay. But he hadn't asked me that, instead he wanted to know why I had crawled into his home… begging him for forgiveness.

I felt… unworthy somehow… like I did not deserve this. And I probably didn't.

I stared at him for a few minutes, urgently searching through my mind for the words to convey what I was feeling, so as not to screw this up. "I… shouldn't have left." I decided on the truth, the thing I should have used all along, with one last thought that Duo would understand… anything I managed to say.

His eyes snapped shut, a long sigh escaping his slightly parted lips.

"Duo?" My voice sounded desperate, but I didn't care, because I was.

Afraid.

His head lifted from where it was buried in my chest, eyes opening to look at me… so lost… such sadness. "You won't leave me?" He sounded like a child… scared… of being alone. I cherished that moment, finally being able to see the weaker side of him, the one so frightened like me. So afraid like I had been. He was me, he was how I was feeling… yet the things I couldn't show… he would.

"Never." I whispered, the strange sound of my own voice frightened me. Maybe because I had never known myself to sound so gentle… soft. I took a deep breath to calm myself, hand coming out to rub gentle circles on his back. "Never… I won't leave you again… I will not make that mistake a second time."

And to my surprise, he laughed. His laugh was filled with so much relief so much bliss that it had me smiling, really smiling.

"Good." He said softly. "I wont let you leave again either."

My stomach fluttered as I leaned in to lightly kiss him on the lips, sealing our promises. My hand, unconsciously coming up to tangle in his hair…

I froze.

Pulling away, my eyes looking to him, confusion filled. "Duo… why?" I lifted the short pieces of chestnut between my fingers, feeling the softness I had never had time to enjoy.

Duo's only response was a soft smile and a simple statement. "You were worth it."

I didn't think crying could be so easy after the first time, after you learned how. I guess it was like riding a bike, once you start, it was difficult to learn how to… unlearn how? The tears stung at my eyes again and I fought desperately to keep them from falling. I didn't understand… why I wanted to cry when I shouldn't have been sad. But my mind… seemed to, at that moment, fill with thoughts about how much despair I must have caused Duo, for him to go to such extreme measures as cutting off his braid, one of the things I had loved most about his features. One of the things he used to brag about, and on some occasions I had even found him talking to it like a pet.

"Shh… Heero… it's alright." My eyes had clamped shut, body gone tense without realizing at first. "It's ok. Please, it wasn't your fault. It was my decision… not yours." His last words set me off, "Please don't cry." When he asked that of me, it's was like being reminded of what I was trying to hold in, trying to stop, and I found myself breaking down all over again.

"I'm really screwed up, Duo." I admitted, head now pressed against his chest. Maybe it was my way of asking if he was really wanting this, if he wanted to turn back before he was stuck with me forever.

He just smiled, wiping the wet trails from my face before saying, "We're both really screwed up." He smirked after a second more, as if thinking up something funny. "But, if it's alright with you, we can be screwed up together."

I chuckled, it felt good. I wonder if he knew the other meaning to that statement of his. That thought only made me laugh harder. Laughing, truly, not the maniac cackle I shot out during battle, but the light, warm filled one. The one directed only towards him.

Slowly… my pain was starting to disappear. I know it would not be gone for good… nor be healed for a long time. But time, was one thing I had.

We sat in bed, awake for most of that night… not wanting to get up out of each other's warm embrace. As I stared at him, watched the smile spread on his lips… I knew I was trapped. And I gladly fell in. I fell through my barrier… my barricade holding in those feelings… the ones I could now recognize, could now finally understand. Because I had lived through them, I had gone through the pain, the happiness… maybe I was finally… more human.

"Duo…" I whispered, sleepily. My eyes were drooping slightly, just as his were across from me. Sleep wanting to claim us both.

"Hmmm." His eyes finally fluttered closed, in exhaustion, but his arms tightened there hold around my waist, telling me he wasn't completely gone yet.

"You'll kiss me goodnight?"

He chuckled. The warm sound causing me to smile in return.

"Of course. Anything for you." He said softly, leaning in. I knew he meant what he said, I knew he would do anything for me. He already had, and I could finally admit that I would do the same. It was a scary thought, knowing that I would lose so much control if something were to happen to him.

His lips pressed against mine, once, then twice, before he came down to nuzzle my neck tiredly.

"Anything for you." He repeated in a whisper, right before his breath evened out, body relaxing against mine.

I was probably glowing right then, sighing happily against him. "Merry Christmas Duo." I whispered into the darkness of his cold apartment.

I knew that this day had been wasted for the both of us. But I promised myself, right before dozing off, that I would make it up to him next year. I would buy him a big tree, like he had wanted last year, so badly. I would not refuse him again, since it obviously meant so much to him. And it did to me now, also. I think I finally figured out why I disliked the smell of a Christmas tree, finally figured out why it almost frightened me. It stood for something special, like they said, Christmas was a time for family. It was, to some people, an important event and was hard for me to come to like it, when I had not known these things. Since I had never known family… before Duo. Before, Quatre, Trowa, Wufei… those people whom I once only saw as comrades. But I could see now, the things Trowa tried to show me, that night when confessing his feelings, emotions. I knew now why Quatre was always there to lend a hand, or an ear. I understood why Wufei always went off on his speeches, trying to make us understand, to teach us his beliefs.

I slept, peacefully, with no horrible dreams, no memories filled with pain. With Duo in my arms, I finally felt content… the pain would always be there… but this kind I could live with… I would treasure this, my time with Duo.

He had taught me something so priceless that day, on that Christmas. Sometimes, the best present of all, is just to be forgiven. And although I still had many more steps to take, to understanding life… many more things for Duo to show me, teach me… I would no longer be afraid. I would no longer lie to myself.

I would not fall off the steps once more, because I trusted Duo… and more importantly myself.

~Owari~

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Hmm … kind of sappy … at least I thought so. ^.^ Hope you enjoyed my short holiday fic! Well … semi holiday fic >.< !!

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