Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Some Way Back ❯ In my mind ( Chapter 1 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Disclaimer don't own em yada yada wish I did, but I would probably be jailed for what I would have them do!!!


^^ encases song words ^^
#*# scene change
~#~ flashback
~~**~~ end of chapter
~encase self reflective thought~




Some Way Back : In my mind






^^You're in my mind all of the time
I know that's not enough
if the sky can crack
there must be some way back
for love and only love ^^


The sea breeze blew through the mini mansion that had housed the five former Gundam pilots. Exquisitely placed curtains blew into the rooms as the opened windows embraced the sea air.
With a few exceptions, it was the perfect picture setting for the mildly rich and famous.
A angry scream resounded through the house, shattering the picture of perfection that was presented to the world.
Nooooo Quatre leave me the fuck alone I said NO! The voice was full of anguish and pain, almost broken.
Sobs, so heart rending they almost shook the house itself, resounded from an upstairs bedroom, followed by the slamming of a door. Shaking his lowered head, Quatre Winner made his way down the stairs to the lounge room, a few tears managed to snake down the sensitive boys cheeks. Two heads rose as he walked into the room.
Sit down, Quatre Trowa stood and ushered the smaller boy over to a seat and began to massage his shoulders. You're tense it's about time you relaxed.
A forlorn expression spread over the young man's face. He shrugged helplessly, his eyes searching for any amount of support that he could find. The taller boy leaned over and kissed him lightlymomentarily taking some of the consternation away.
But he needs us
The quiet Chinese boy sitting on one of the comfortable chairs looked over at the blond boy. Eyes shrewd, as usual, he spoke quietly. Quatre, love he has been like that for four weeks, it's getting worse, not better. I don't know how long his leave from the Preventers will last but he is lucky they are being so understanding.
Quatre looked shocked, upset and a bit annoyed at his dark lover. They would want to be understanding. It was their misinformation that sent Heero into that missionalonetheir stuff up that took the one thing Duo treasured more than life itself awaythey would bloody well want to be understanding
~Damm I always say something wrong~ The Chinese boy sighed. SorryI didn't mean it to come out the way it did. He walked over and joined the other two.
Upstairs in his bedroom the ex-Deathscythe pilot cried. Hair unbraided, just the way Heero had liked it, falling everywhere. Thigh length hair isn't very good at being kept out of the way of things. But he didn't care. All he could do was clutch the things that still smelt like Heerothat reminded him of Heeroand be reminded of him.
~Why him, why now why everything.~ The thoughts ran through his head constantly, not leaving him in peace, not understanding and for the life of him wondering where the fuck this being called God was supposed to be. He remembered that day so clearly.
~#~
Heero had woke him earlykissing his neckDuo's favourite way to wake up. Bleary eyed he had looked up at him, and smiled.
Happy 19th my baka And Heero had flashed his lover one of those smiles that were just reserved for Duo. I have a short assignment today I promise I won't be late and I have a surprise for you when I get home.
Duo had drawn him into a long, warm and tender kiss. See you tonight Hee-chan. The chestnut haired boy flashed his partner a rather bleary version of that cheesy smile, before drifting off to sleep again. He only had to go into the office for a few hours that day; he would go later.
About 4 hours later Duo walked into the Preventers offices. Usually a hive of activity, that morning it seemed twice as bad. Duo didn't really think anything of it, until he saw the looks a few people were flashing at him. He grabbed the tail of his braid, just to make sure that he had remembered to braid itstill twiddling the end through his fingers he walked into his officethe office him and Heero shared.
Une and Sally were in there, going through Heero's desk, he could see a little package on the desk and idly wondered if that was his birthday present. They stopped as he entered and looked at himthere was something about the expression on their faces that bothered him.
Ne? Heero forget something?
Une looked like she was about to faint, so it was Sally who spoke. Duosit down.
For some reason Duo didn't think that that was a good time to flash his silly grin and say he would rather stand, so he actually satand started to fidget.
She looked like she was at a loss of what to sayand then Duo saw the tears restrained by her professional manner and he knewhe just knew.
His voice was angryfearful as well, but majorly pissed off. HOW ? That one word made both of the women flinch. They didn't answer him straight away, which only served to enrage him more and he stood. How the fuck did he get hurt on an easy routine mission?! he saw their eyes flinch when he said hurt and all of a sudden he knew at a whole different level his stomach spasmed and he dropped to his knees
Oh Sally reached out a hand to steady him, and he glared at her a glare Heero would have been proud of.
Don't you dare touch me don't you fucking dare! He stood upa little wobbly but, none the less, ok. Where is heI want to see him now. He needed to speak, needed to move, so he didn't thinkanything but think and he would survive.
Duo, you don't want to see
Of course I fucking want to seeI have no choice. The last was almost a pleaas if he wouldn't believe it if he didn't see it.
Sally's shoulders lapsed and she shruggedFollow me Duo.
He did, concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other. His mind vaguely registered that he was being taken towards the morguenot even taken towards the infirmary. He was also slightly aware that his friends had fallen into line behind him and Une. The door was pushed open and Sally took him to one of the cold hard silver tables, nodding to the mortician who stood at the head of the table. The man looked a little surprise that his charge had visitors.
Steeling himself didn't help at all after the covers had been drawn back. Someone had muttered 'no' he thought it might have been himself. He took a step forward, then another, unable to believe his eyes, not wanting to believe them.
His hand reached out and touched his lover's cheek. The face was perfect, a pity the same couldn't be said for the rest of him. Duo's mind filed what his eyes refused to see. Left arm with a gash from the elbow to the shoulder, right arm the samebut it was the gaping hole in his chest that made Duo almost recoil. It was as if something had pushed a clawed hand into his chest and ripped out his heart. That dry sarcastic part of Duo added that that was probably the only way Heero could be killed.
But the face was perfect. Duo ran fingers over the cheeks, and leant forward to kiss his lovers forehead, no tears, no sobs, nothingthat didn't come till later. He turned, throwing his badge at Sally
Leave was all he said before he left them. As soon as the morgue door had closed, he sprintednone of the others would ever have a hope in hell of catching Duo when he ranhe was too fastthe only one who had ever been able towas Heero. The braided boy bolted out of the door and jumped on his lovers motorcyclegunning it, he released his hair from the braid and tore down the roadnot going anywhere but away.
~#~
The memories made the sobs come harder and harsher. Duo felt as if his chest was going to explodemaybe it wasn't such a bad thing. ~Maybe I deserve it~ It would be the easy way out. His head was aching, badly, his body shaking and nothing he could do would stop it. Nothing would ever be the same again, not without him.
^^You're in my mind all of the time
I know that's not enough
if the sky can crack
there must be some way back
to love and only love ^^
Suddenly things seemed inherently clear. Duo stood, albeit somewhat shakily and walked into the bathroom. He looked in the mirror and glared at his own face, not liking what looked back at him, not understanding how anyone could have loved him. Leaning against the washbasin the tears fell in streams from his eyes again and he stood like that for a long time. Resolve achieved he looked back up at himself but all he could see was Heero's face in front of him, and all he could hear was his voice.
You're such a baka. And fondly his hair had been tossled.
You are so beautiful Duo. Followed by the most wonderful love making session ever to exist.
A small cry leapt from Duo's throat and he smashed his fist into the bathroom mirror smashing it and bloodying his hand. Blindly, he grasped for one of the larger shards, and fell to his knees.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. A mocking grin hit his face, not quite sane. There must be some way back to you, Heero. Even with closed eyes the cut he drew down the artery on his left arm from the elbow to the wrist was eerily perfect. He bit down the pain, shutting it away and observed with clinical detachment how the blood gushed from his arm to pool around him, noticing it even when he collapsed to sprawl on the floor. Idly noting that his hair was becoming a rich nice blood red colour.
#*#
Downstairs Wufei and Trowa were doing their best to comfort their smaller lover, in the shape of a full body massage. Quatre for his part was fully enjoying itthat is until the crash from the bathroom resounded through to the living room. He jumped up, looking at his lovers and pulling on a shirt.
All three looks said the same thing. Please, not this. Almost as one they dashed up the stairs.
Quatre reached the room first and pushed at the door that was half open, not liking the colour that was seeping through onto the tiles. Trowa, Ambulance, now. He would need Wufei and his knowledge of healingDuo wasn't going to make it without it. The door opened just in time to see Duo fall from his kneeling position to sprawl on the floor, his chestnut locks taking on a blood red countenance
Shit! Wufei was suddenly by his side, before Quatre could blink, holding towels to the wound to stem the blood flow. Before Duo's eyes closed a look of consternation passed his face.
Sorry guys The voice was slurry. ButHeero And his eyes closed. The ambulance had responded fast, very fast and idly Quatre wondered just what his taller lover had said to encourage such a response, as he heard the sirens nearing the house.
He looked down at the pale, forlorn face in Wufei's arms and wished he had have known the right things to say to make his friend not do this.
The door slammed and the ambulance crew came into view behind Trowa who had bounced up the steps, face grave.
The fast reaction became obvious to Quatre as he took in the men's uniform. He raised an eyebrow to his lover. Preventer Emergency team?
Trowa shrugged. I wanted him to live Quatrenot be taken away in a body bag. 'Preventer down' works wonders, and I didn't lie.
Quatre nodded, trying not to look at the blood covering the floor. He had seen plenty of blood in his life, but the fact that the blood belonged to one of his best friends made it unbearable.
The medics worked fast to stem the flow and contain the blood. Placing Duo on a stretcher the lead medic stopped to speak to Quatre on the way out.
He lost a lot, but I don't think enoughyou were lucky you found him another minute and he'd be gone. The man looked a little uncomfortable. Hehas been through a lotIt was right of you to call us. And the man left.
It seemed everyone knew.
#*#
The remaining Gundam Preventers gathered in the hospital, awaiting news to see if Duo would survive. The blood transfusion took a while and they had to make sure his body accepted the foreign blood, he had lost too much to just let his body slowly reproduce it. Finally the doctor came out of the operation room and approached themface tired but it didn't seem to be hiding any bad news.
He will pull through, but he will have to stay here for a number of daysWe need to keep an eye on him. It is late now. You are welcome to stay, but I do not believe he will wake up before morning.
A collective sigh of relief ran through the three remaining Gundam pilots. But the person who spoke took them all by surprise as they hadn't noticed him approach.
Quiet, serious, and somehow always unearthly beautiful, Milliardo Peacecraft aka Zechs Marquise, had managed to approach the pilots unnoticed. If no one mindsI would like to speak to him when he wakes up.
Quatre looked at the blond and cocked his head. No offence Zechsbut we'd kind of like to talk to him first.
The taller man shrugged and rolled up one of his sleeves revealing a scar running across his wrist. I didn't know how to do it properly His voice was quiet. But I have been where he is, when I lost Treizenone of you can say the same He just left the statement hanging there and waited patiently.
Trowa managed to regain his wits first. If its ok we would like to go in with you to say hello, but we'll leave you alonehe probably wouldn't understand if just you went in alone to see him.
Zechs nodded. Agreed.
#*#
Groggily Duo pushed his eyes openconfusion hit him as he looked at the ceiling. ~Hell has a ceiling?~ Then as he came more to himself he realized that there were things stuck into himand adjusting his head to look down at his arms, he sighed in dismay. They had found him in time. Tears started to leak down his face as he realized he wasn't going to join his Heero quite yet. The braided American became angry. He sat up, ignoring the dizziness in his head, he tugged at the drips running into his arms. Swinging his legs over the side of the bed and not paying attention to the blood that fell from the holes left by the needles he searched the room for his cloths. When he realized they probably hadn't left blood soaked cloths in a hospitalhe frowned. A nurse had walked into the room and gasped when she saw her patient sitting up in bed. Duo glared at her, it seemed being with Heero for so long had caused the American to inherit some habits. She turned and left the room, and Duo sighed.
~Damn it. Now she is going to go and get doctors and I am going to have to break some serious bones before I can get up and leave the room and just go and be left alone.~
But it wasn't doctors who entered the room; it was his friends . He smirked at them.
Happy? His glare didn't lessen and he didn't meet anyone's eyes. I try to remove myself from the equation so you guys don't have to keep an eye on me all the time and you go and stop me. The usual cheerfulness in his voice was marred by scorn and self loathing.
Quatre took a step towards his friend, concern plastered all over his face. Duo felt ashamed his little brother had always only ever had the best intentions.
Pushing his bangs out of his eyes Duo sighed.
Sorry Cat. He spoke softly and raised his eyes to meet the small blonde's. Quatre could see the pain and the bewilderment in them, and all he wanted to do was walk over and hug the longhaired boy. So he did.
Duo clung to him, tears falling silently down his face as he repeated over and over again. He's gone Cat He's goneand I never showed himnever really showed himI Quatre held up a hand to silence his friend.
Shush DuoHere The smaller boy handed his friend a little box. This was meantfor you Quatre had had the box for the last few weeks and was going to give it to Duo at the right timebut his friend needed something right thenso he gave it to him.
Duo looked at itrecognizing it as the little box he had seen on Heero's desk the day he had found out. His face blanched and he frowned.
Zechs cleared his throat drawing the long haired boy's attention to himself.
What are you doing here Zechs? For a moment Duo wondered if there was something he was needed for at Preventers HQ, but dismissed that thought nearly as fast as it had come. There was no way they would be that stupid.
Zechs shruggedhe felt a little uncomfortable. This wasn't the care free happy go lucky Duo he was used to coming across. This was a young man who had lost the person he treasured most in his life and had tried to commit suicide because of it. Although he knew how the younger man felt, Zechs didn't consider himself to be as unstable or volatile. He would have to be careful.
I justwanted to see how you were. The others were looking at Zechs by now too.
Duo raised a sardonic eyebrow. Never seemed to interest you before.
Zechs flinched a little, the truth hurt sometimes. But he needed to get Duo back to his peak form. They needed Duo back at workhe was the only one who could do what needed to be done. I know what you're going through I've been there myself. And he turned and left the room, leaving the braided boy to mull over what he had just said.
Duo blinked. ~been through what I have been through~he started to get angry and then chided himself. ~Treizehe lost Treize.~
Duo shook his head playing with the little box idlynot really focusing on it.
Open it Duodon't you want to see what's inside? I know I do. Quatre was only trying to cheer Duo up and for some reason Duo didn't feel like disappointing him. The anger and pain seemed to be distanthe supposed he was drugged.
So Duo opened the tiny box in his hands and revealed its contents. His heart caught in his throat and his eyes closed as tears once again traced their way down his cheeks.
Settled in the black velvet lining in the box, were two identical rings. White gold bands about 5mm thick with a line of diamonds running all the way around. Opening his eyes he gently picked them out of the box looking at them, not noticing the sobs he was crying. Engraved on the inside of the band were their names. Duo M & Heero Y followed by Duo's birth date, the date he should have gotten the rings on. He slipped one ring on each ring finger and curled himself into a ball on the middle of the bed, crying. The other occupants of the room completely forgotten he sobbed himself to sleep, not noticing or caring when they left.
It was dark when he woke up again. The hospital was obviously not used to having a Gundam pilot as a patient. He had recuperative abilities that bordered on miraculous. Still a little dizzy, and he supposed that was only to be expected after suffering the blood loss that he had, he removed the needles they had stuck into him again from his body, as well as the heart monitor. ~Sheesh I'm not going to die now am Ithey put a stop to that plan~ He was angry but at the same time he realized what he had done had been selfish. Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei would never have forgiven themselves if he had been successful. A brush with death and he was thinking clearly againdamn it. He sighed as he spied a pair of blue jeans and a shirt in the corner. Grimacing he pulled the clothes on definitely not his, but then he didn't really care at that point in time. The alarm from the heart monitor had drawn attention to his room and he could hear the nursing staff approaching. Smiling to himself he hid in the shadows as they ran into the room. ~They don't have a hope in hell of finding me, with my experience. Shinigami is back~ he grinned a grin that was more like the Duo Maxwell of oldwhile his fingers idly played with the white gold bands he swore he would never take off.
As nursing staff and doctors ran everywhere on the floor trying to find their disappeared patienta shadow slinked past them all and made its way out of the building, a thigh length braid bobbing in his wake.
#*#

Violet eyes narrowed as he surveyed the compound. Greathe had been gone a month and the security had turned to shitgetting into the building would be child's play.
He made his way towards the main entranceif he got in this way there would be hell to pay in the morningand it wouldn't be him who was paying it. ~I didn't realize my security second was so incompetent~
Now on the third floor of the building Duo approached his computer labnot his officethere weren't enough reasons in the world that would make him go into that office againnot for a long while. There was too much of Heero there, there was too much they had done therehe blushed as he remembered.
~#~
^^The sea it swells like a sore head
and the night it is aching
Two lovers lie with no sheets on their bed
and the day it is breaking^^
Um Maxwell
Yes Yuy his voice was slightly breathless as he traced a finger down his lover's naked chest.
I don't think this is what we are supposed to be doing when we say we are going to work late He chuckleda sight that only Duo ever got to seea sight that Duo treasured.
My little closet comedian. Duo teased his lover as they lay on his deskpaperwork discarded all over the floor. A shiver ran down his spine and Heero frowned as he felt the movement through his lover.
You're cold, baka. The statement made Duo pout.
You're not keeping me warm enoughyou took my blanket away.
Heero smiled that secret smile he reserved for his lover as he moved to drape himself over the longhaired boys body Oh sorryhere I'll give it back to you. And their bodies touched causing a shot of fire to flare up in both of them as they gave themselves over to passion again. Neither of them noticed the sky lightening or how long they had been tangled in each other's arms.
~#~
Duo shook his head. He didn't have time to dwell on memories yet. He would have time after he had finished doing what it was he had made up his mind to do.
Entering his lab, he bypassed the security codes so that to all intents and purposes it appeared that the room was still empty and tsked that the codes hadn't been changed. Glancing at the clock he noticed it was 11pm~goodthe entire night is mine~
Flexing his fingers he booted up his systems. He would need everything he had for this no matter how long it took, not matter who got in his way he would avenge his Heero.

^^You're in my mind all of the time
I know that's not enough
if the sky can crack
there must be some way back
for love and only love ^^
~~**~~
To Be Continued