Author: Arithion/Arithkenshin

Email: arithkenshin@yahoo.co.uk

Title: Somewhere I belong

Rating: NC17

Archives: http://www.goldenyaoihuggle.com/welcomepage.htm , http://www.mediaminer.org/fanfic/ under Arithkenshin

Pairings: 1x2, 3x4x5, S+U

Warnings: Angst, self-mutilation, Yaoi, Psychological, Drama, Action, Suspense, Romance,

Disclaimer: Not mine already! Stop rubbing it in.

Summary: Sequel to Some Way Back. How will Duo deal with the things of the previous eighteen months? How will the others deal? Why are otherwise healthy children dying? When everything else seems forsaken, can hope pull you through?

Notes: *glomp* CYT…. For being an all round betay muse and keeping me entertained /snicker

*hugs* to the War Room too… Sol being partially responsible for me getting off my butt and actually churning this chapter out… the title is dedicated to her

^^ encases song words^^

#*# scene change

~#~ flashback

~~**~~ end of chapter

~encase self reflective thought~

Somewhere I Belong: Solitary Reflections

It was still dark when Une bolted upright, hand flying to her forehead as she got her bearings. She felt something warm behind her and realised that she had fallen asleep against Sally on the couch.

But Une didn't have time to feel sentimental. A memory had ripped her out of her sleep and it was tugging at the back of her mind. She stood slowly so as not to disturb her partner and walked to her desk. A frown creased her face as she tried to remember what it was that had woken her.

It was on the tip of her tongue and driving her crazy. Her eyes fell on her laptop and the nagging in her mind grew louder. Moving quietly, she switched it on. She made her back pop, trying to get the kinks out of it, while waiting for the laptop to boot. Her green screen flared to life, bringing up her desktop.

Une accessed her hidden files, bypassing the network of passwords with ease. She retrieved her old coded files.

The files of Colonel Une of the OZ organization.

She browsed through folders and files which she had never thought to use again. Some she closed hurriedly once she realised just what they were. As she scanned through them, memories she had wished to leave behind came back to her, but she pushed on. Une was sure that there was something in there, which would help her… but be damned if she could remember what the hell they were.

And then she found it.

Hidden under, behind and in other files, protected with passwords from foreign searches and the like, it lurked.

~Trillium Project~ She clicked the file open, and suppressed a groan at confirmation of her memory.

~The Trillium Project - begin year 178AC, funding - Winner Corporation

Objective: Creation of a Human Clone without defects, able to function in extreme circumstances … expendable~

Une skimmed the results, knowing that what she was looking for wasn't in that section. A slight sigh escaped her throat as she found what she was looking for once again.

~Related Projects

Trillium Dust - Incidental incursion of Side Project 192AC,co-funding - Winner and Oz Corporations

Incursion: Drug developed to maintain control over the Human clone projects. Side effects unsatisfactory at this stage.

Use of Drug in normal Human subject has been tested. It causes the subject to become addicted to the substance, yet pliable to the will of the administrator of the drug. Complete subservience has been exhibited. Will power is drained away, leaving the subject devoid of a sense of self.

In the 8 subjects an obvious lowering of self-confidence has been observed. Varying degree's of dependency are evident. The need to complete assigned tasks and therefore be rewarded becomes overriding.

Suggested use: Interrogation of suspects. Class C type of truth serum effect.

Side Effects: Disorientation, flaky skin especially around the eyes and joints; joints swollen in arthritic semblance making movement painful; Internal organs shrink as if with premature aging; bloody contusions sporadically spread over the body. Final stages of addiction include delirium, blood clots and organ failure

NB: Younger test subjects exhibit higher resilience to the dust~

Une lowered her head and let it hit against the laptop in a slow repetitive beat. She really didn't feel all that good. In fact, she was waiting to wake up from her current nightmare.

The hands that came to rest on her shoulders like they had the previous night gave her a sense of déjà vu. It brought her perilously close to tears of frustration, but she pushed them back.

Sally spoke in a soft and tired voice. "What are you looking at that's making you want to kill brain cells, Une?"

Une sighed and shook her head. "Something I can't believe I was a part of, and yet at the same time, I remember how proud I was of it at the time."

"Ahhh…" Was all Sally said before she began kneading Une's shoulders. She was trying to give the other woman space, to speak in her own time. Since it was obviously eating away at Une, Sally hoped it wouldn't take too long.

#*#

Prussian eyes blinked open. And then they blinked again.

Heero pushed sleep-mussed hair out of his eyes, contemplating idly that his hair always looked mussed. Stretching out a little, he made the decision to get up because he had never been a person to lie in all that much.

As he got out of bed, he grabbed the blanket on it and shook it twice with an almost professional flick. Then he let it fall over the bed neatly before fluffing the pillows once and heading to the kitchen.

This time he refused to let perfectly good coffee go to waste. Instead he was quite determined to brood while drinking it.

With a cup of said liquid in his hand he sat down to stare at the spot he was fairly sure Duo would have put a Christmas tree and thought about the previous night.

It had brought back memories and not all of them had been pleasant. He missed Duo greatly. And the thing was… he missed everything; the incessant chattering, the moments of inflective silence, the tantrums, the unpredictability, the passion and oh so definitely the love-making.

The conclusion he had reached the previous evening weighed heavily on his mind. He was determined, above all else, to actually do what it was he had made his mind up to do.

The thing was… he hadn't the faintest idea how the hell to go about it.

#*#

Maellin woke early and sighed at the thought of the mess he still needed to clean up from the previous day. It seemed that it had been on the list of things that could be put off until the next day. A philosophy which always seemed fitting at the time, but rarely made him feel good when the next day arrived.

He reached into the dresser next to his bed and pulled out a small container. Opening it, he pulled out a black tourniquet and secured it on his left upper arm. He took a thin vial with a pale pink substance in it and affixed it to the syringe in the container.

Maellin pressed the needle against his skin and inserted it into the vein. He pumped the liquid into his bloodstream quickly before removing the needle. The hole made by the sharp implement closed over immediately, excreting nothing at all.

A look of relief passed over Maellin's face as the effects hit him. His mind cleared and his body calmed. He sighed and stood. There were things he needed to do.

It was just past dawn and Maellin moved quietly so as not to wake the rest of the house. It was that still and eerie part of the morning where the only things that are actually awake are the birds singing outside and the cricket's chirping.

His mind wandered as he completed the mundane tasks. He could have easily palmed them off to one of the other co-workers, or even made the children do it. But he needed something to occupy his mind with, and the alternatives were not something he would willingly chose himself.

As the list in his mind grew shorter, his attention wandered. His thoughts turned to his sister and a sense of melancholy settled over him. He wondered how she truly was… he wondered if they'd pull through it all somehow.

#*#

A soft sunny light shone through the gap in the curtains to dance happily over Duo's eyelids. One protesting hand batted feebly at said light before shielding his eyes as they opened.

Duo squinted at the offending stream of light and grumbled something incoherent along the lines of "Bloody sun, I'll get you one of these days, you just see if I don't."

Swinging his legs out of the bed, he stretched his body in all its naked glory before making his way into the bathroom for a shower. His back was still sore, so he was careful with the temperature of the shower.

As he let the water pour down on him, he realised that he didn't really like the new shower screen. It was a fogged one, not clear. In fact, it was nothing like any of the shower screens he had ever had before.

With that last thought he realised he was simply procrastinating and trying hard not to dwell on thoughts that he probably really should be dwelling on. He had so much to reflect on in the next while. He had his performance at the "Quaver" which he was really trying hard not to think about.

Then there was the orphanage, where he really wanted to volunteer. Of course he had to steer his thoughts away from the fact that he thought that there was something strange there. It wasn't anything that he could put his finger on exactly, but there was something about it. He thought it might have to do with the James child.

Of course there was also the New Year's party that he was trying desperately to avoid thinking about, because that meant he would also have to think about just what it would mean. And just what would it mean?

He sighed. It meant that he was going to have to see Heero again. Now that wasn't such a bad thought in and of itself, but Duo was apprehensive. Actually apprehensive was probably too nice a descriptive word.Duo was pissed.

He was also as confused as hell.

The fact was that, just like he had decided the previous night, there was a part of him that wanted Heero back so much it hurt. However, there was also an extremely large part of him that was screaming and telling him to get the hell away from someone who would hurt him so much.

So in short, duo was a bundle of nerves and he wasn't looking forward to New Year's at all.

Shutting off that train of thought as he shut off the water, Duo got out of the shower. While towelling dry he decided that he would spend the day playing his guitar. A bit of relaxation right then was just what he needed. He was as tense as a board.

#*#

His mouth felt like the bottom of a birdcage. James reached to the table next to his bed and located his glass of water, only to find it empty. He wanted a drink so badly. There was barely any moisture in his mouth at all.

But the urge in his body overrode his thirst. It felt like it was stripping him from the inside, leaving him nothing but a husk. His mind couldn't comprehend what was happening to him, but he knew how to make himself feel better.

He reached for his stash with shaking hands and managed to fish one out. Placing it into his mouth, he sucked on it until it was gone, generating enough saliva to coat his mouth at least. The shaking subsided and he could breathe easily again.

With legs which still weren't quite steady he stood, pulling a t-shirt over his head, and made his way out to the kitchen. He felt strange… somehow so much older than he was. Surely he wasn't meant to feel like that.

#*#

Maellin looked up as he felt the footsteps in the house and frowned. It was still damned early and he hadn't thought anyone would be getting up for a long while.

He managed to suppress the shocked gasp that threatened to escape from his throat when he saw James enter the kitchen. An ache speared Maellin's heart as he took in the appearance of the boy.

James was pale… paler than usual, anyway. His eyes were sunken and he'd lost weight, giving him a gaunt look. He'd always been tall for his age, and it usually made him look older than the ten years he was. It was part of the reason that he found it so hard to find a family.

But that morning… that morning he didn't look older. He looked forlorn and lost… and as if he was coming down from a high.

And Maellin knew that all three were true. He had to silence that little voice that told him this was all wrong. It was hard, but he needed to do it. So instead of comforting the boy, or bringing him to a hospital or doctor's, he remained silent and just watched.

James's eyes flickered to him before lowering once again. He poured himself a glass of water and skulled it down.

"You shouldn't drink that fast, James." Maellin didn't look at the boy. He kept his eyes fastened on the dishes he was stacking in the machine.

Hefelt more than saw the boy shrug.

"I was thirsty…"

Maellin wanted to tell the child to go to the nearest hospital, to run… to hide… hell to kill himself and put himself out of the misery. But he held his tongue… he had to… there was too much riding on him not doing that.

He couldn't help himself though. As the child made to leave the room, Maellin reached out a hand to stop him for a second. Wide brown eyes looked up at him, a tinge of fear evident. He took a deep breath before allowing his own eyes to meet James's. "Be careful, James…" It was all he could allow himself to say.

The boy's shrug as he walked away, felt like someone had slapped him in the face.

#*#

Quatre woke first. Something was feeling strange to him. He wasn't sure what it was, but he knew he wanted to find out. It was the feeling he got when someone he knew was distraught and he frowned, wondering if Duo was ok.

It wasn't that early, but it was early enough that his two lovers were still asleep. He managed to slip out from under Trowa's arm without waking him. He didn't have to worry about Wufei, since he was curled into Trowa's other side.

Slipping into a pair of jogging pants, he snuck out of the room and headed to the kitchen. There was something bothering him about the feelings he was getting. He needed to try and concentrate.

It was definitely one of those gut feelings, the ones he got from other people. At least that was the conclusion he came to by the time he had finished brewing a pot of tea. One of his employees wandered in, inclining their head and wishing him a good morning. Quatre hardly paid attention as he nodded to the man and wished him a good morning with a smile.

The blond wandered away and into his studio, a frown once again creasing his face. He was feeling disorientated and didn't like it.

He was still standing at the desk, a look of concentration on his face, when arms slipped around his waist and grounded him again.

A smile on his face, he turned to see Wufei. "Morning…" Quatre raised himself a little in order to give Wufei a chaste morning kiss. "Sleep well?"

Wufei looked at Quatre- really looked at him-and scowled a little. "I slept fine, Quatre. But you look like you didn't."

The blond shrugged uncomfortably under the gaze of his lover. "I slept fine, I just… woke up early."

"That's an evasion if I ever heard one, Quatre. Spill." Trowa stood at the door, pants hanging loose on his hips, chest bare and distracting.

"Um… well." Quatre had to clear his throat and avert his eyes. "I just felt something. It's nothing much."

"Felt? As in…?" Trowa wasn't letting the questions go and Wufei still had his arms wrapped loosely around the blond.

"I don't know, Trowa. I just feel… strange. Like someone's upset. I can't put a finger on it. So

let's just leave a little time go by and I'll call Duo and see if he's ok. I'm sure he will be, because it doesn't… feel like him." Quatre shook his head and pushed away from Wufei, heading for the door.

He avoided coming into contact with Trowa as he stopped at the other side of the door, levelling a hard stare at each of them. "Sometimes you two need to learn to trust me." He held up a hand when he could see they both wanted to interrupt.

"To trust me to tell you when I think there is something important enough for you to be concerned about as well. I'm not fragile. I'm not unstable… I can think for myself and I don't need you to constantly protect me."

Quatre left the room, relieved to hear no sound of the other two following him. He knew he would probably regret what he had said later, but right then, he didn't care.

#*#

James retreated to his room, the words Maellin had spoken to him still repeating in his mind.

~Be careful~

Personally, James thought it was a little too late for that now. He'd already gotten himself into something he didn't understand and managed to dig himself deep enough that he had no idea how to get out. Besides that, he needed the things they gave to him. Even though he might hate himself for what he was doing, James knew he would continue to do what he needed to in order to get those lollies.

They were the only things that made the shaking stop and cleared his head. His eyes fell on the Christmas present he had received and he shook his head.

Christmas. It hadn't felt like Christmas. And the present? It would have been appropriate even four weeks before. But now? Now it was so young, so innocent, and he felt nothing of the sort.

He was still tired. Maybe if he got some more sleep he could forget for a while… or maybe he could pretend. James lay down on his bed and curled up, head pillowed on one arm.

His eyes came to rest on the metal truck model he had requested for Christmas. It had been the latest craze at school, and he had wanted it so much. But now he felt so far removed from wanting to play with a toy. He felt so small and insignificant that he just wanted to sink through the floor.

James closed his eyes and waited for sleep to claim him. A part of him hoped he wouldn't wake up.

~~**~~

Weeeeeee another chapter down... the gods only know how many more to go!

~Arith