Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Subjects of My Sanity ❯ The Painful Silence ( Chapter 8 )

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Gundam Wing Characters, and all that other good stuff.

Pairings: 1+2 soon, maybe more later… definitely will be more pairings later on, like 3+4... just not for awhile.

Warning: Yaoi, bad language, suicide attempt, self hatred, blood, angst and a lot of other things in later chapters too.

Authors Note: lalalalaaaaaaaaa

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The Painful Silence

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~Subject: Duo Maxwell~

"Quatre? How about we go to your house?" He fidgeted slightly as I asked that question. Seeing as no one was quick to jump up and volunteer their home to us, it was only natural that I volunteer for them, right? I mean, jeez, it was just a movie! Why were they all acting like scared rabbits!

"Umm…" His light blue eyes stole a glance in the direction of Wufei. I had wondered why, and then I noticed how the Chinese boy seemed to tense up slightly after my initial question… weird. "I don't think that would be a good idea…" Quatre whispered, looking down to the ground.

"And why is that?" It was really irritating, well, it wasn't hard to become irritated at this bunch. We had been sitting at the diner in almost complete silence. Only reason I didn't talk was because my food was still on my plate. You'd think they were all miserable being here? I didn't see anyone complaining though! Or running high tail.

"M-my fa…" Quatre started, he looked a little nervous and I was starting to feel bad for demanding this from him. He probably had a good reason, for being uncomfortable with this. I was going to interrupt him and tell him it was alright, we would find some other place, when the ever so angry Wufei interrupted instead.

"What about 'your' place Duo?" He leered, obviously proud of himself for that one.

My place, hmmm…. That would not be good. If my parents found out I ever had people over…

Well… they didn't really have to find out, now did they?

Yes, that just might work. This group didn't talk much anyway, and my parents 'never' come down to the basement…

"Hmph, as long as you don't mind climbing through windows." I said reluctantly. Even though I had psyched myself up for this, I was still a little worried. And for good reason.

It took us a good twenty minutes to make it to my so called home. All the time through the dark back roads, which was a huge mistake, seeing as people feel that darkness deserves quietness. The silence, yes, was really getting on my nerve. The only person who ever answered my pathetic attempts to uphold a conversation was Quatre. Half way home I decided to save the poor boy from my evil chatter and I shut my mouth. I thought they would become irritated with the silence like I had, maybe show some hint of being upset. Of course, they seemed to take the silence quite well, and it took all of my power not to burst out and scream at them.

As we rounded into the neatly kept yard, I recognized oh so well since I had been that one to keep it so nicely trimmed, they seemed a little confused. It was 'probably' because I silently led them to the back of the house. Maybe they were baffled about the back of the house part, or it could have been the silent part… who knows.

"Alright." I motioned for them to watch as I opened one of the basement windows. It was small and rectangle, but I had no doubt that they would be able to fit in. "You need to go through here. When you get in make sure you are quiet until I come down." I think 'that' scared them. They probably didn't think I was serious about the whole 'climbing through windows' thing.

Quatre stared at me with wide eyes. "Duo… this is breaking and entering!"

"Don't worry… its just my room." I snickered, standing up to walk away from them. As I turned the corner, heading to the front door, I couldn't help but glance back once more, seeing them still standing there looking at the opened window like a bunch of dumb fish.

My humor was quickly lost though. "Duo! Where have you been?" My body automatically cringed as I entered the house. It almost looked as though my mother had been waiting for me. That would be a first, if my guess was true.

I kept my face neutral and brought my voice down to it's low tone it usually took on when talking to my parents. They weren't the type of people to appreciate loud, brash manners. "I'm sorry." Was my only response to her anger. I didn't think she really cared to hear my excuse anyway. She was just looking for a reason to yell at me, once more.

My mother, if that's what I should call her, stared at me with brown eyes that seemed to flinch in anger at my words. She was always mad with everything I said, that's why I was rarely allowed to talk. A thin bony hand shot out to slap me across the cheek, hard. It wouldn't have hurt so bad if she hadn't backhanded me the next second after… still wearing her diamond wedding ring. I could feel the slight sting as the skin on my cheek was torn, her ring had scraped nicely across.

My eyes clamped shut for a second, body wishing desperately that it would heal so as not to show my visitors downstairs this horrible site. Of course, it wouldn't… my fucked up, miraculous healing only came about when my life was in danger. Or maybe it was all in my mind to begin with, maybe if I think really hard and tell myself that I will die from this little scrape, then it would heal!

Of course, that didn't work either.

My head bowed in defeat as I stood before her. Through my messy, windblown bangs I could just make out her head, shaking with anger, short chestnut hair swaying slightly as she did so. That was the only feature we seemed to share, the hair color. Other than that, you wouldn't even think we were related. I had wished that we weren't a couple times, but those were only childish wishes that I know would never come true. Wishes that only make you feel worse when they disappoint you, again and again.

"Go to your room. Do not come up for anything. I will not have a disobedient child at my kitchen table this weekend." She moved aside, ushering me to my basement home. Well, at least it was only a weekend without food and not a week. In the summer it would be easy for them to do that, starve me for a week, but now that school is in progress, teachers would know if their students were looking starved and could question the parents. Sure, my teachers have 'never' called home once to ask why I was so skinny, but I don't think my 'parents' wanted to take any chances.

It hurt… her words… I could feel the stinging at the corner of my eyes as I entered the stairwell, away from her prying eyes. My body, wanting to permit the tears I fought desperately to hold in. I was able to will them away, knowing that I would have to put on a face for my friends. I paused as the door to my room closed, taking a couple deep breaths to calm myself and maybe prepare myself, before starting the dissent down.

I made my way to the bottom of the stairs, hitting the lights on the way. They were still off, which told me that the silent bunch had been standing in the middle of a dark room. Well, well… didn't they look uncomfortable? Quatre was staring at me with wide eyes as I entered. He seemed the only one to really acknowledge my entrance. I could see his mouth moving up and down slightly as if trying to bring about the question which I was dreading. I quickly turned my attention to the others. Wufei was currently looking, glaring up at the closed window, probably still angry that I had made them crawl through it. Hah, must have been a huge hit to his pride. Heero had his eyes closed, arms crossed as if sleeping standing up. Jeez, I didn't think I had been gone 'that' long! And lastly, Trowa, was looking at my bookshelf with interest… or boredom interest. He had his hand running across the titles as he read them off in that brain of his. He was probably making sure I didn't have… oh, I don't know, suicidal books?

"Duo! What happened?" Quatre walked quickly over to me, hand reaching up as if he wanted to touch the angry mark on my cheek. Well, 'that' got everyone's attention.

"Shh… not so loud." Fuck, they were all looking at me with wide eyes, now. Ugh, I knew I shouldn't have brought them here! "Come on, lets watch the movie." I made no room for them to argue, or ask further questions. Quatre's forehead was all crinkled up in worry and I felt bad for not explaining things to him. But, he wouldn't want to know, it would only make him feel worse knowing my situation.

I walked over to the small television, I had acquired it when my parents threw it out to the curb, intent on buying a new and better one. There wasn't anything greatly wrong with it, except the right corner of the screen had the color all warped and showed up as neon green, sometimes pink. It probably could have been fixed easily, if my parents were the type to trust repairmen.

I stuck in the tape then looked over my shoulder to see them all still standing in their originally positions, only difference was they all were staring at me, and my cheek. Damn bunch of…

"Come on, sit!" I commanded. Maybe they were dog trained? Who knows! Well, at least Quatre followed my order. He took the old beat up, funky brown couch chair in the corner. That left one spinney chair and the other part of the couch, which could fit about two people. The basement had used to be a storage room of types, before I was kicked down here. A lot of my greater possessions had been acquired by accident. The couches, old, yet still very much usable had been a real treat to obtain. Somehow watching movies on a couch seemed much better than on a bed, or the floor, where most bedroom televisions are watched from.

Wufei, after a couple hesitant seconds, took the rotating computer chair just as I sat down on one end of the five foot couch. About twenty seconds past before Trowa made up his mind to sit on the floor, leaving Heero to slowly move to sit on the other end of the couch with me. I think he was a little nervous sitting that close to me. I mean, we were only a foot apart! Must have been a shocker!

The movie started to play the previews, the non talking was killing me. Why I was keeping my mouth shut was because I actually felt a little nervous. Something that doesn't happen very often. I hadn't meant for them to see me like this, in my moment of… I guess it would be considered 'my moment of weakness.' Though, I don't really know if I am feeling all that weak… maybe emotionally… a little. I'm pretty sure they already put two and two together to figure out that, yes, Duo's parents must hit him. Especially Trowa, he seemed to be the observant type. Which just pissed me off, to no end.

Friday night. These days are suppose to be fun filled with parties and friends. I guess the reason I am not 'oh so thrilled' yet, is because… I barely know these people. Why had I dragged them to my house against their will if I knew it would probably make myself feel uncomfortable. I really need to start thinking things through before taking action. Bad habit of mine, I guess.

The movie started out with a man coming up to kidnap a little girl. I think that this was suppose to be a scary movie or something, hadn't figured it out. Yeah, I should have read the back previews and not grabbed it because of the dead cat on the cover. Oh well, can't get lucky all the time. The movie's 'mother' was now currently wrapped in her husbands embrace, shaking like crazy, because her child had been taken from her.

Fucking hell, why didn't I read the back cover? Why, why, why? Just what I need, a stupid movie about how much some mother misses her kid. I sighed, leaning back into the sofa, searching for the comfortableness that you are suppose to acquire during movies. My eyes, instead, wandered from the unhappy moment on the television screen to scan what my 'guests' were currently doing. I couldn't help but snicker as I watched Quatre, eyes looking a little glossy as he stared, mesmerized at the television screen. Of course, my reaction didn't go unnoticed, for Trowa turned around from his spot on the floor to glare at me, as if saying "Shut up and watch the movie." And I wasn't even talking! Ugh!

I just rolled my eyes at him and turned to a more interesting subject, Heero. Out of the corner of my eye I could see as his eyes seemed to droop slightly, then snap back open quickly with a shake of his head. His knee was currently bobbing up and down in a nice little rhythm, making me wonder if that is what he did when trying to stay awake. He must have been really tired for his head seemed to bob down and inch the next time, before he got control and brought it back up quickly. His palms then came up to rub his eyes in a desperate attempt to not doze off.

A small smile played on my lips as I turned my gaze away, so as not to get caught. He was really cute sometimes, I would have to make note to get to know Heero better. As my head turned 'almost' back in the direction of the movie, I finally noticed the absence of a certain Chinese boy.

"Hey!" I jumped up, spinning around to scan the dark confines of my room. "Where'd Wu go?" Heero and Quatre both sat up a little, looking around the room in just as much confusion as I had. Trowa, however, just raised his hand to point towards the slightly opened window.

"He left?" I asked, walking over to shut out the cold air leaking in. Trowa nodded his head once before turning back to the movie.

Just great. I had been too miserable in my thoughts to even notice him leave! How pathetic was that? I sighed again, feeling a little depressed that he hadn't even said goodbye… maybe he really didn't like me all that much… oh well, I'll just bug him until he does like me.

I found the rest of the movie to be dull and boring, though that was just my opinion. I could see that it at least touched Quatre, some what, because as the credits started to roll he quickly swiped his hand over his eyes as if he had been crying. I think the part where the child finally got reunited with her parents was what did him in. I, however, have never been one for sappy movie endings. I might have enjoyed it more if the kid died in the end, and the mother went stark mad and was put in an insane asylum. Heh, if only Trowa could read my mind… then I'm sure he wouldn't even leave me alone to go to the bathroom.

I straightened up from my slouched movie watching position, to stretch my arms high over my head. A loud yawn left my lips as I stretched out my legs as best I could. "Boring movie, boring movie." I mumbled, eyes looking over to the clock beside the television. Damn, it was only ten and I was already exhausted. Well, I guess I wasn't the only one who was tired after that long movie. Quatre went through a couple yawns as he stretched, along with Trowa, and seeing 'them' yawn, of course, made me start yawning all over again. And Heero… well he had finally let into the sleep, because he was now down and out. I would have made fun of him, maybe woke him up with a loud scream or something, but I couldn't help but notice that he was shivering slightly in his sleep. Breath coming out quickly, teeth almost sounding like they were chattering.

"Is it cold in here?" I whispered softly. Reaching my hand over to touch Heero on the forehead. His skin was warm, but not enough to be worried. I took my hand away and looked up to Quatre who was staring at the sleeping Heero with concern.

"Maybe it's because Wufei left the window open." Quatre suggested, shoulders shrugging slightly as his eyes looked once to the now closed window.

I, actually, did not think it was that cold down in my basement home. But, I might have just been used to it, seeing as I was down here a good portion of my measly life.

"Hmm…" I looked to Heero, then around my room to see if there were any blankets nearby. One blanket across the room… one in the laundry basket… one covering my far wall window to block out the morning sun… ah screw it. I nudge my way towards Heero, hip touching his as I leaned over him. My hand came up to gentle poke him on the cheek. "Heero." No reaction.

Quatre just shrugged as I looked at him, silently asking what I was suppose to do now. Trowa seemed to find this amusing for some reason, the corner of his mouth was turned upward ever so slightly. I swear, everything to him is amusing. He is smirking because someone is freezing! What a cruel bastard.

I groaned, head falling down in thought, brain telling me I should just get up and get the poor boy a blanket. Of course, I don't listen to my brain and gently pick the shivering boy up. Positioning him on my lap, I wrap my arms around his shaky frame. I don't know why I had the urge to do that, but he seemed to not wake up and instead unconsciously leaned into me, the side of his head falling to rest on my shoulder. My hand came up to rub gently up and down his back, trying to warm him up with my body heat.

He was so… cute! I couldn't help but grin like a fool while watching him sleep. He looked like a completely different person, face relaxed where it usually was hard in concentration.

I didn't think I was doing much good for awhile there, but as the silent minutes dragged on, his body slowly relaxed and curled further into my warmth. Shivering stopping about five minutes after.

"Uh… what do I do now?" I asked, looking up to Quatre in panic. I hadn't actually though this far ahead… should I wake him up? Surely he would get in trouble if he didn't go back to his home. Maybe his parents were mean like mine and would…

I shook my head, stopping those train of thoughts. I shouldn't jump to conclusions so much, it's not good for my health!

"Do you know where he lives?" Quatre asked. He seemed to be just as clueless as me in what to do with Heero.

I glanced in Trowa's direction, fast enough to catch him rolling his one visible eye up to the ceiling.

"Do you have something to add, oh silent one?" I asked sarcastically, glaring at him from my position on the couch.

He smirked.

"I know, I know, waking him up would be easier!" I sighed, unconsciously stopping my hand that was rubbing Heero's back.

Trowa's eyebrow raised slightly, as if to ask what the problem was.

"Fine! Then you wake him up!" I growled angrily.

His eyes widened.

"See! You have no room to… uh… roll your eyes! You're not willing to do it either!" I huffed.

Quatre seemed to be staring between us in confusion. Yeah, I guess he wasn't so used to reading Trowa's expressions yet. It wasn't all that hard, he only had so many to choose from.

Obviously, yelling at Trowa hadn't been a good thing to do… well, in another view it would have been a good thing to do, seeing as it had woken Heero up. He stiffened in my arms and before I knew it I was pushed back against the sofa, Heero's strong hand gripped tightly around my neck. Dark blue eyes glaring murderously at me from where he now stood, poised over me.

I attempted to gulp, eyes shutting tight in hopes that he would disappear when I reopened them. Nope, he was still there, glaring just as coldly at me. My pulse quickened without me meaning it to as my eyes sought for Trowa, trying to get him to help me. Of course, he was just sitting across the room, watching me get strangled with a smirk on his face! What the hell was with him? I thought he was suppose to make sure I didn't do anything stupid like get killed and now he is just sitting there watching as I get strangled to death?

Wait… why am I even bothered by this? I want to die anyway, right?

Before I could dwell further on that thought, Quatre's voice was heard, trying to calm Heero down. The angry boy reluctantly released me. Though his eyes never left mine as he moved away… he was seriously pissed. Whoops, I guess I entered a little too into his personal bubble or something. At that thought I started to get angry, also. I had only been trying to warm him up! And this was how I was repaid? "Ungrateful bastard, run me over and everything…" I mumbled slightly. Then bit my lip as I realized that I wasn't suppose to say that out loud.

Heero's eyes widened and he took a step back. At first I thought he was hurt by what I had said… but then the anger came back over his features, eyes hardening. He walked quickly to the window, not looking back as he yanked it open and fled into the cool night.

I let out a frustrated sigh, feeling really horrible for some unknown reason. I guess this was a little shocking, I hadn't meant to make him mad… I've over stepped my bounds… by a lot.

"Are you alright Duo?" Quatre asked. I hadn't even noticed him, kneeling in front of me. His hands came out to gentle touch the bruised skin on my neck. He seemed really worried, and I couldn't help but smile slightly. I don't think I've had a friend like him before… one who actually cares, without faking it. You can tell when someone is truly concerned, or when they are just acting concerned only because they know that that is what friends are suppose to do. Most people nowadays only seem to care about themselves, only their own problems.

Trowa… he might be like Quatre also… seeing as he started following me around to make sure I didn't do anything stupid. But then, he is still a mystery, one that I wont be able to figure out for a long while yet.

Why hadn't I met people like them sooner? People who… I might actually start to think of as friends… real friends, that is. There are always people you associate with, that you talk and gossip with… and you might actually call them friends… but would you ever share a deep secret with a person who just happened to sit next to you in class? Would you tell your fears to a lunch table buddy? I have never had a real friend… other than those people at school whom I used to see as such… they are really only minor acquaintances, aren't they? It made me wonder… if there was such a thing as a friend… that I could share my secrets with… could open myself up and maybe let go of some of my pain.

It hurts.

I think… that night… I realized just how alone I really was.

An hour after Quatre left… promising to do something next weekend… Trowa tailing behind him, a short nod of goodbye, I sat in my dark room… looking at the closed window. Alone… I was alone again… no one to talk to… no one to hear me sing softly to myself… trying my best to fill the silence the room was giving off.

My feet carried me to my bathroom… the place I have come to hate most. The white shiny sink, so many times had seen blood. The mirror, reflecting my miserable self… probably saw thousands of tears in it's existence. If only it could talk… then it might tell of what I really am… how insane I can become sometimes… sometimes when sitting in the darkness of my room… listening to the silence… that damn silence!

I look in at my reflection… finger tracing my cheek where there is a slash of dried blood, covering up the mark beneath it. The pain has left, only leaving the cut to remind me of just who it was that had hurt me. I don't get depressed about it… or maybe I am just too depressed to realize I am. All I can feel… or think I feel… is the pounding of my heart against my chest. It is pounding so loud… filling the silence… I like this sound… the comforting rhythm of my life.

So why? Why is it I try to stop that one piece of sanity inside of me? Why do I want my heart to stop beating? I know the answer… the answers. I've got them all in my brain somewhere… memorized like some piece of literature… written out in certain order… of certain events.

My eyes trail down to look at my hands, shaking slightly.

Why are they shaking?

That's when I notice the razor blade between my fingers, held in the familiar position.

Could it hurt to try once more? Could it hurt… yes… it is painful… no matter how many times I do it. No matter how many cuts I make… the pain is tremendous. But not only the pain of my skin being torn open… the pain that comes to me afterwards… when I start to clean up the mess… the mess of blood reminding me that I am a failure… failure…

The blade comes down, my breath has stopped and my eyes pinch shut tightly as I quickly slice forward. The familiar tears are leaking from my eyes and my breath has now escaped the hold and is coming out quick and in short pants. My eyes do not open… I cannot look once more at what I've done… I can not see it… I can not see it.

TBC.

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OK, no notes really on this chapter… it was a little 'Duo depressing', wasn't it?

Hope you liked! Review and tell me what you thought!!!!!!