Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Cost of Honour Trilogy #2 - Payment Rendered ❯ Chapter 2
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: Calic0cat 
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Angst | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 05.02.2003 | Pages: 3 | Words: 4.7K | Visits: 459 | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Angst | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 05.02.2003 | Pages: 3 | Words: 4.7K | Visits: 459 | Status: Completed
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Title: #2 - Payment Rendered
Part: 2/2
Series: The Cost of Honour Trilogy
Author: Calic0cat <calic0cat@fastmail.fm>
Story Started: Mar. 11, 2003
Story Finished: Apr. 24, 2003
Genre: Yaoi, Angst, Sap, Romance
Pairings (more-or-less in chronological order): 5x2 (past), 3x4, 5xOC (het), 1x2x1
Rated: R
Warnings: AU, OOC, Swearing, Angst, Lime/Implied Lemon
Archives: At Lev's Lair http://www.gwaddiction.com/levlair/ and at http://calic0cat.freeservers.com (my site) and at Mediaminer.org under Calic0cat. Anyone with archive permission for my other fics can help themselves.
Disclaimer: Duo and Heero and the rest of the GW gang aren't mine. This story is. Nuff said.
Notes: Post-series & post-EW. AC 200, Heero & Duo are working as Preventers.
'Thinking'
"Speaking"
************ Time passing or scene change
Author's Notes: Feedback is appreciated.
#################################################
Duo ran his fingers lightly across Heero's chest, not even consciously thinking about what he was doing. It had been hot for the last week or so and they had both taken to sleeping in only boxers. He'd been a bit uncomfortable the first night but that had quickly faded. They'd shared a bed for a whole month now, ever since that night...
'That night that I dreamed about... about Wufei.' It hurt just to think about it. He wasn't sure he'd ever be able to talk about it. But - remembering what had happened, reliving the abandonment, the agonizing pain and betrayal, the terrible loneliness and emptiness that followed, the barriers he'd so carefully erected to keep himself from ever being hurt so deeply again - that hadn't been enough to send him to Heero's room looking for reassurance that he was *not* alone. No, it was the nightmare that followed that sent him seeking the comfort of Heero's arms. The one in which he relived Heero being shot. He had stumbled from his bed and down the hall to stand in Heero's doorway just listening to him breathe. He hadn't intended to wake Heero or to go in. But once Heero spoke to him, the longing to be close, to rest with Heero's reassuring heartbeat against his ear, had risen up strong enough to blot out the panic at the thought of that degree of intimacy. And for a while, just sleeping with Heero, lying here together like this, had been enough. But over the past few days, the wish for more had been growing stronger.
He hadn't wanted their first time together to be at night. Duo wanted the sunlight streaming in the window and falling across the bed. Wanted things as different as he could possibly make them from his first time with... He pushed the memory away firmly, still unable to remember the good without drowning in the pain that had followed. He wanted things as different as possible in order both to make his first time with Heero equally special and to reduce the chance of being swamped by memories. And finally, the time had arrived. Today was their day off and he had certain plans in mind. He just hoped that he could follow through with them. He still couldn't tell Heero how he felt, much to his frustration, but he had every intention of showing him.
Duo tugged his braid over his shoulder and pulled the tie off the end, untwisting the bottom section and leaving the rest to gradually unravel on its own. He suspected Heero would help it along. He hadn't let Heero take his hair out of the braid before; it had been just one more of the little acts of intimacy that he hadn't been ready to allow. No one else had touched his hair since that blurry chunk of time that Heero and Quatre had cared for him right after Wufei's engagement announcement. Once he'd started to erect those barriers against intimacy, against caring, his hair had once again become the only thing that was truly his, just as it had been when he was merely "Duo", one of the street kids. He knew Heero would understand the significance of him voluntarily leaving it loose now.
Part of Duo was still terrified at the thought of daring to love again, of daring to believe that he might have a chance at happiness and a home with someone he loved and who loved him in return, of daring to *trust*; that was the part that still wouldn't let him say the words. The part of him that made him have to stop and concentrate, remind himself that this was Heero, his best friend, the person who would never hurt him, who had promised not to ever leave him by choice. But the rest of him wanted this so badly... Wanted to believe, wanted to trust, wanted to *love*... 'And I do. I l.. lo... I *love* Heero.' He could finally *think* it at least, even if he couldn't quite *say* it yet.
Propping himself up on one elbow, Duo leaned over and began to scatter tiny kisses across Heero's skin. He heard the indrawn breath and felt the sudden tension in Heero's muscles that told him Heero had awakened. Duo pressed a kiss directly over Heero's heart, then raised his head to meet Heero's questioning gaze. "Good morning..." he smiled, then drew his breath in and carefully added, "...k-koibito." He stuttered slightly and his voice cracked a bit on the word, but he managed to get it out. He and Wufei had always used English or Mandarin endearments; he had hoped that maybe, without the memories added to the emotional significance, he would be able to handle Japanese ones. He couldn't - quite - force out an "ai shiteru" just yet, not even in practice, but he'd been able to handle a few endearments. That hadn't guaranteed he could handle saying them to Heero but he'd taken the gamble anyway - and it had succeeded. The wondering joy on Heero's face was enough to take his breath away. As he leaned over to plunder Heero's parted lips, Duo felt a bit more of the tight knot of pain and heartache loosen.
Drawing back slightly, Duo murmured softly, "If we - umm, do things differently than I did - before - I think I'll be okay, Heero. As long as things don't remind me too much, I should be able to handle this. And - I *want* to... If you do?"
Heero reached up and gently threaded his fingers through Duo's hair, thumbs stroking his cheeks. "Very much. But only whatever you're comfortable with, k - Duo."
"Go ahead, Heero. Try it," Duo insisted. "If we get out of my comfort zone, we'll just stop till I calm down then start again. We've got all day..."
With a soft smile, Heero answered a bit hesitantly, "If that's what you want, koi."
Duo's breath caught for an instant, then he smiled in relief. "It is, koibito." The endearment came more easily this time. And he'd felt only the slightest flicker of worry in response to Heero's term for him. 'So that's really the key. Avoid the memories. Which means... Shit.' "Uh, Heero, I've never been top before... if we're gonna avoid triggering memories... umm..." Duo's cheeks flooded with warmth. He hadn't really thought that far ahead. His relationship with - his previous relationship had just started out one way and it had been comfortable for them both, so the question of who took which role had never really come up, they'd just kept doing things the same way. So changing roles now should help avoid triggering memories and the panic that inevitably followed. And being top also gave at least an illusion of control, something he couldn't quite bring himself to give up yet, despite his love for Heero. The distrust and wariness ran too deep; his conscious mind alone was unable to overcome it entirely. But he really didn't know if Heero would be comfortable with things that way around.
"I've never been either, Duo, so I don't mind which way things work," Heero assured him. "Whatever is most comfortable for you."
Stunned, Duo stared at Heero. "Never?" he squeaked in surprise.
Heero's smile turned rueful, "If I couldn't have the one I wanted, I didn't want anyone at all..."
Duo's breath caught and he gave Heero a loving smile. "Then I'd better make this worth the wait, hadn't I?" And he would. He would make love to Heero with all the love and tenderness and passion he possessed. Use his body and their lovemaking to tell Heero all the things he couldn't put into words; all the things that he'd built such strong barriers against in the wake of his loss of Wufei. 'God Heero, I love you so much...' he thought fervently as he swooped down to capture Heero's lips in a passionate kiss. 'And one day, I *will* be able to tell you in words, not just actions. I swear it...'
***
Heero ran his fingers wonderingly through the cascades of silk that spilled across his chest. The day had been - incredible. Wonderful. Unbelievable. From the moment he awoke to Duo's feather-light kisses on his chest and that gorgeous hair unravelling from its braid to caress his bare skin, he had been half convinced that he must be dreaming. That Duo couldn't possibly be touching him so gently and caringly, couldn't be gazing at him with so much love and passion, couldn't be trusting him and his love enough to be making love to him so tenderly. But it hadn't been a dream; it had been real.
He and Duo hadn't left the apartment all day. Had never gotten dressed beyond pulling on a pair of boxers while they fixed meals and ate. Had showered together - several times. Had made love repeatedly. Despite how incredibly careful and gentle Duo had been, never causing more than a very slight discomfort, it was inevitable that Heero would be sore tomorrow. His body wasn't used to this yet, though he now could believe he would have the opportunity to become accustomed to Duo making love to him, something he'd scarcely dared believe possible not too long ago. Heero just hoped that they didn't have a field assignment tomorrow or he was probably going to regret coaxing Duo into taking him that last time. The wince he hadn't quite been able to hide afterwards had drawn an affectionate scolding for overdoing things from Duo, followed by a warm soak together in the tub. But that feeling of being joined so intimately, of being one with Duo, was so incredible that he hadn't been able to resist.
Beautiful though the day had been, it had still had its rough spots. He had slipped up and unthinkingly said "ai shiteru" once. Duo had frozen, trembling, but hadn't had a full-fledged panic attack. And after only a few moments, he had given Heero a shaky but beautiful smile before picking up where he had left off, kissing and caressing his way down Heero's torso. 'He *is* getting better,' Heero thought hopefully. Perhaps Duo would never be quite his old self; he certainly was far from it in public; but at home, with just Heero, he smiled with increasing frequency and Heero had even drawn a genuine grin and laugh from him on several memorable occasions in the past few weeks. The progress was slow, painfully so, but it *was* happening. Heero even dared hope that someday maybe, just maybe, Duo might even manage to tell Heero that he loved him. The words would be nice - though not entirely necessary. Every bit of hard-won progress proved that love in no uncertain terms.
***
Jun pressed one hand to her aching back. She would be very glad when all of this - the pregnancy, the charade of being the dutiful clan leader firmly under the elders' control - was over. And the day was rapidly nearing. *Very* rapidly.
She hastily signed and stamped the last few items from her urgent pile before picking up the phone. A moment later, she was saying, "Wufei, it's time," then shaking her head fondly at the surprised reaction from the other end. After reassuring him that there was no real rush, she could easily wait for him to arrive and take her to the hospital, Jun hung up the phone and sighed heavily. Now things would begin to happen very quickly. The elders would probably start the marriage contract pressure immediately after the baby's birth and all pretense of obedience would be thrown to the wind. She hoped that she and Wufei were ready for this.
***
Duo listened cynically as Une calmly informed them that it had been brought to her attention that he and Heero were - "involved" - and she regretted to inform them that they could no longer be partners. 'Regretted - yeah, right. Pull the other one, Une-babe, it's got bells on...' There was no disguising the moue of distaste she had given as she spoke. He had his own theory as to why Une seemed to have it in for any male couples in the department. A theory that involved a dead Oz General and a certain "Lightning Count". Nothing he could *prove*, no more than he could prove her discriminatory tendencies unfortunately, but he didn't think Wufei's departure was the only reason Zechs had quit Preventers. There had been other people in the department who would have made adequate partners. Though perhaps they hadn't been too willing to be partnered with the person who somehow seemed to always end up with the dullest, dirtiest assignments, something that Wufei had complained about on a regular basis.
"Since we do not really have anyone suitable to partner either of you available at this time," Une continued, "Yuy is the ideal choice for this mission. Maxwell can assist with administrative duties until a new partner is available."
Duo stiffened. 'What mission?' He wasn't too thrilled with being relegated to administrative duties - aka Une's gopher he thought scornfully - but the mission Une was giving Heero was rapidly swamping his annoyance with panic. 'A minimum of six months deep cover in an undisclosed location? No! God, no, please... I can't...' He fought to control the rising fear. 'He *can't*; Heero *promised*...'
Heero had promised not to leave him by choice - but this wasn't choice, this was a mission. And Heero Yuy never turned down a mission. 'He'll come back; it's only six months...' Duo tried to convince himself but that tiny part of him that still couldn't bring itself to trust was shrieking its vindication.
Duo watched dully as Heero skimmed through the briefing he had been handed. After a few moments, Heero closed the folder with a decisive snap. Duo struggled to breathe as Heero intoned, "Mission - refused."
"What?!" Duo vaguely realized that Une had shouted the same shocked exclamation as he had.
"Mission refused," Heero repeated, tossing the folder back onto Une's desk and crossing the room in two quick strides to catch Duo around the waist as his legs abruptly gave out on him. "There are at least five other agents in this office alone who are perfectly qualified to undertake that mission and are *not* involved in a longterm relationship. There is no compelling reason for it to be me that goes."
Duo leaned into Heero, grateful for the strong arm supporting him. 'He *refused*?! Heero *refused* a mission? For - me? For *us*?'
"And there is no compelling reason why it should not be," Une gritted out coldly. "This is a paramilitary organization, not a democracy. You *are* going on that mission Yuy. That is an order."
"I am *not* going. You will have my resignation on your desk just as soon as I can print it out," Heero answered equally icily. Despite the cold tone, Heero's hold on Duo was warm and supportive, fingers stroking gently, reassuringly.
Une's gaze narrowed angrily. "Fine. You have until the end of this shift to do so and clear out your things. I do not want to see you back here after today." She turned and snatched the folder off of the desk. "As for the mission... Maxwell..."
"You'll have my resignation along with Heero's," Duo said sharply. He had had enough of this. Joining the Preventers had been Wufei's idea to start with; he didn't *regret* the time he had spent here but it had been becoming increasingly unpleasant lately. And he definitely had no wish to stay without Heero. 'Heero...'
Duo was barely aware of Une's icy dismissal and their return to their desks to print out letters of resignation before clearing out their office. He simply followed Heero's guidance, too lost in his own thoughts to concentrate on what he was supposed to be doing. 'Heero refused a *mission* because of us. *Quit* because of us. Because he wouldn't leave me, not even for a six-month mission...' The joy and wonder spreading through Duo silenced that skeptical little voice once and for all. Missions were to Heero what honour was to Wufei. If Heero wouldn't even leave him for a *mission*... 'I can trust him. Really and truly trust him. He loves me more than anything...'
***
Heero stole a worried glance at Duo as he pulled into the apartment building's parking garage. Duo had been silent and distracted ever since Une pulled that little stunt. 'God, I hope this hasn't set him back again...' he thought unhappily. He had *known* Une would pull something sooner or later; that she would at the very least forbid that they work together as partners. He wished that he had quit sooner, before she did this. He had been terrified that Duo would have a panic attack at the news of the mission's expected duration; had wanted nothing more than to mould Duo's body tightly to his and murmur reassurances of his love and continued presence but had been equally afraid that doing so would only make the panic attack inevitable.
They rode the elevator up to their apartment in silence, walking side by side yet not touching. The lump of fear in Heero's throat continued to swell. If Une's little stunt had hurt Duo, had driven him back into his isolation... He didn't know what he would do. It had taken them *months* to reach their current level of intimacy; having to start over again was a truly frightening thought.
His fears went up in smoke once the apartment door closed behind them. Duo turned to him, one hand reaching to pull his braid over his shoulder and offer the end to Heero. "Ai shiteru, Heero. Make love to me?" he said breathlessly.
Heero froze, eyes widening in disbelief. Duo's smile widened, joy and love clearly reflected in sparkling amethyst eyes. "Duo?" Heero whispered in shock.
Duo reached out and caught Heero's hand, raising it and pressing the braid into it. "I l-love you, Heero. Make love to me, koi."
'He *said* it - he actually *said* it...' Heero thought, stunned. Fumbling as he pulled the elastic off the braid and gently shook Duo's hair loose, Heero murmured shakily, "I love you too, Duo. Love you so much..."
Still smiling radiantly, Duo answered, "I know you do Heero. *Really* know it now." He took Heero's hand and pressed it over his heart. "Know it in *here* not just with my mind..."
Heero pulled Duo into a tight embrace. "You were so quiet after we left Une's office... I was afraid..."
"I'm sorry, koi... I didn't realize how you might interpret my distraction. I was - in shock, I guess. You refused a *mission* for me - for *us*. It just - took a while to really sink in. You love me that much..."
His breath caught sharply as Heero realized exactly what Duo meant. That he had just passed the greatest test of their relationship without even noticing it. 'That by choosing our relationship over a mission - regardless of the fact that it did *not* require me specifically - I proved I wouldn't leave him. That he was more important to me.' That Heero wouldn't choose duty over love the way that Wufei had.
And even if his presence on that mission *had* been critical, he would have found other options. They could have restructured the operation so that the two of them went undercover together regardless of Une's insistence that they no longer partner one another. Had his presence been truly essential, she would have had to give in. He was no longer the slavishly obedient soldier that he had once been; he knew where his own priorities lay and was willing to stand up for them. To defend his relationship with Duo.
"Make love to me Heero," Duo insisted again before kissing him passionately.
'Does he mean what I think he does? That he wants me to take him this time?' "You mean..."
Duo nodded, his smile changing to a broad grin.
Heero pounced, scooping Duo off of his feet and drawing a startled peal of bright laughter from him. "With pleasure," Heero smirked as he carried his lover down the hall to their room.
***
Wufei watched silently as Jun tucked their infant daughter into her crib. He adored tiny Meilan and respected the determined woman who was her mother and his wife. But sometimes he felt guilty that he could be so happy in the presence of his child knowing that she existed only because he had betrayed and abandoned the one he loved.
'I need to face Duo and apologize properly...' he decided reluctantly. 'Need to see just how badly my betrayal has affected him. Whether he has been able to move on and be happy again.'
Was he really ready for that? Ready to possibly see Duo happy with someone else? Or worse, to discover that Duo had *not* been able to move on? That his betrayal had left Duo unable to trust or love again?
Wufei wasn't sure. And at the moment, both he and Jun were still too deeply involved in correcting at least some of the problems that the elders had created with their meddling for him to leave. But he knew that he was going to have to face Duo soon, whether he was ready or not. Because if he didn't, his guilt would eventually taint his relationship with his daughter as well as destroying any chance that he and Jun could ever learn to at least love one another even if they never were *in* love with each other. And Mei deserved more than that even if Wufei himself did not.
***
As Duo raced down the path to the stables ahead of them, Quatre said softly, "Heero, what did you *do*? He's - almost his old self again! At least around the three of us..."
A tiny half-smile tugged at the corner of Heero's mouth. "I just loved him, Quatre... Once he finally truly accepted that..." He spread his hands and shrugged slightly. "And I think that leaving the Preventers and deciding to move helped too. Neither of us was very happy with our jobs anymore. And a change of location will mean that he isn't running into memories at every turn either."
"Are you thinking about moving here?" Quatre asked eagerly.
Heero nodded. "Yes. We've talked about this quite a bit and agreed that we would like to be near you and Trowa again. We've missed those weekend get-togethers since Trowa quit the Preventers and the two of you moved to L4. Particularly since Duo still won't let anyone else close enough to become friends. I suspect that will never change at this point."
"So some of the damage, some of the change, is permanent," Trowa commented quietly and a bit grimly.
Silently, Heero dipped his head in agreement. Just before they reached the stables, he added, "But he'll argue with me now instead of simply going silent and retreating. And he hasn't had a panic attack since well before we quit. I don't have to watch every word I say around him either. He smiles and he laughs now. He may not be the same as he once was but he's still *Duo*, not the pale shadow of himself that he was for so long."
***
Duo smiled across at Quatre. The blond and Trowa were curled up together on the couch facing the one that he and Heero shared. Quatre's smile in return was distinctly sleepy. The warmth from the artificial fireplace at the end of the room was making them all sleepy after an active day of swimming and riding. It had been a wonderful day; a day spent with his only real friends. Though the gap left by the absence of one of the group had been felt by them all at different points and in different ways.
Snuggling down in Heero's arms, Duo still felt that tiny ache deep inside. That Wufei-shaped hole in his heart. He loved Heero, was in love with Heero; there was no question in his mind or heart about those feelings. He loved Heero just as much as he had loved - and in a way still, reluctantly, loved - Wufei. But he also trusted Heero and had faith that his love was returned in equal measure. Something that he no longer could say about Wufei.
Because despite the fact that he knew how important the Chang family honour was to Wufei, Duo was still very hurt and angry that it had meant more to him than their love. And despite what he had said two years ago - that he knew Wufei had to go through with the engagement or it would destroy them anyway - he resented the fact that Wufei hadn't told him about the situation, *discussed* it with him, taken his input into consideration, before making a decision. That he hadn't treated him as an equal; had made the decision on behalf of them both. The betrayal wasn't only of their love, it was of the trust and friendship between them as well.
Duo didn't know whether things would have turned out any different in the end but he still felt that Wufei should have given him a chance to at least make his own views known. It would have been just as painful when Wufei left him but at least he might have felt a sense of closure. And perhaps the lingering anger and bitterness would not be as strong or as lasting.
As it was, he was moving on to a whole new chapter in his life with the feeling that a previous part was still incomplete. Duo wished that he could truly move on but that whole feeling of "unfinished business" made it difficult. He would just have to leave the past behind as best he could, however, since a new part of his life was definitely beginning. He and Heero would discuss Quatre's offer later in private but he suspected that they would end up taking it. Living here and working for WEI would let them spend plenty of time with their friends. And having an entire floor of one wing to themselves would provide enough privacy to keep them happy too.
'And I *am* happy,' Duo thought wonderingly. Not "almost content" or even "content" but genuinely *happy*. Oh, there was still that part of his heart that ached but then nothing was ever perfect. His heart still had bits that ached for Sister Helen and Father and Solo too. Those aches weren't quite as bad as the one created by Wufei's absence but then time had dulled them somewhat; perhaps the ache for Wufei - not just for the lost love but for the lost trust and friendship - would eventually dim to the more distant ache that the others he'd loved and lost had left behind. For now, though, it was bearable and the love that he and Heero shared was more than enough to make him happier than he could have believed possible even a year ago.
Tilting his head so that he could see Heero's face, Duo murmured softly, "Love you, 'Ro..."
Heero smiled and bent his head to kiss Duo tenderly. As he drew back, he responded, "And I love you, Duo. Happy?"
"Very..." Very happy indeed...
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Title: #2 - Payment Rendered
Part: 2/2
Series: The Cost of Honour Trilogy
Author: Calic0cat <calic0cat@fastmail.fm>
Story Started: Mar. 11, 2003
Story Finished: Apr. 24, 2003
Genre: Yaoi, Angst, Sap, Romance
Pairings (more-or-less in chronological order): 5x2 (past), 3x4, 5xOC (het), 1x2x1
Rated: R
Warnings: AU, OOC, Swearing, Angst, Lime/Implied Lemon
Archives: At Lev's Lair http://www.gwaddiction.com/levlair/ and at http://calic0cat.freeservers.com (my site) and at Mediaminer.org under Calic0cat. Anyone with archive permission for my other fics can help themselves.
Disclaimer: Duo and Heero and the rest of the GW gang aren't mine. This story is. Nuff said.
Notes: Post-series & post-EW. AC 200, Heero & Duo are working as Preventers.
'Thinking'
"Speaking"
************ Time passing or scene change
Author's Notes: Feedback is appreciated.
#################################################
Duo ran his fingers lightly across Heero's chest, not even consciously thinking about what he was doing. It had been hot for the last week or so and they had both taken to sleeping in only boxers. He'd been a bit uncomfortable the first night but that had quickly faded. They'd shared a bed for a whole month now, ever since that night...
'That night that I dreamed about... about Wufei.' It hurt just to think about it. He wasn't sure he'd ever be able to talk about it. But - remembering what had happened, reliving the abandonment, the agonizing pain and betrayal, the terrible loneliness and emptiness that followed, the barriers he'd so carefully erected to keep himself from ever being hurt so deeply again - that hadn't been enough to send him to Heero's room looking for reassurance that he was *not* alone. No, it was the nightmare that followed that sent him seeking the comfort of Heero's arms. The one in which he relived Heero being shot. He had stumbled from his bed and down the hall to stand in Heero's doorway just listening to him breathe. He hadn't intended to wake Heero or to go in. But once Heero spoke to him, the longing to be close, to rest with Heero's reassuring heartbeat against his ear, had risen up strong enough to blot out the panic at the thought of that degree of intimacy. And for a while, just sleeping with Heero, lying here together like this, had been enough. But over the past few days, the wish for more had been growing stronger.
He hadn't wanted their first time together to be at night. Duo wanted the sunlight streaming in the window and falling across the bed. Wanted things as different as he could possibly make them from his first time with... He pushed the memory away firmly, still unable to remember the good without drowning in the pain that had followed. He wanted things as different as possible in order both to make his first time with Heero equally special and to reduce the chance of being swamped by memories. And finally, the time had arrived. Today was their day off and he had certain plans in mind. He just hoped that he could follow through with them. He still couldn't tell Heero how he felt, much to his frustration, but he had every intention of showing him.
Duo tugged his braid over his shoulder and pulled the tie off the end, untwisting the bottom section and leaving the rest to gradually unravel on its own. He suspected Heero would help it along. He hadn't let Heero take his hair out of the braid before; it had been just one more of the little acts of intimacy that he hadn't been ready to allow. No one else had touched his hair since that blurry chunk of time that Heero and Quatre had cared for him right after Wufei's engagement announcement. Once he'd started to erect those barriers against intimacy, against caring, his hair had once again become the only thing that was truly his, just as it had been when he was merely "Duo", one of the street kids. He knew Heero would understand the significance of him voluntarily leaving it loose now.
Part of Duo was still terrified at the thought of daring to love again, of daring to believe that he might have a chance at happiness and a home with someone he loved and who loved him in return, of daring to *trust*; that was the part that still wouldn't let him say the words. The part of him that made him have to stop and concentrate, remind himself that this was Heero, his best friend, the person who would never hurt him, who had promised not to ever leave him by choice. But the rest of him wanted this so badly... Wanted to believe, wanted to trust, wanted to *love*... 'And I do. I l.. lo... I *love* Heero.' He could finally *think* it at least, even if he couldn't quite *say* it yet.
Propping himself up on one elbow, Duo leaned over and began to scatter tiny kisses across Heero's skin. He heard the indrawn breath and felt the sudden tension in Heero's muscles that told him Heero had awakened. Duo pressed a kiss directly over Heero's heart, then raised his head to meet Heero's questioning gaze. "Good morning..." he smiled, then drew his breath in and carefully added, "...k-koibito." He stuttered slightly and his voice cracked a bit on the word, but he managed to get it out. He and Wufei had always used English or Mandarin endearments; he had hoped that maybe, without the memories added to the emotional significance, he would be able to handle Japanese ones. He couldn't - quite - force out an "ai shiteru" just yet, not even in practice, but he'd been able to handle a few endearments. That hadn't guaranteed he could handle saying them to Heero but he'd taken the gamble anyway - and it had succeeded. The wondering joy on Heero's face was enough to take his breath away. As he leaned over to plunder Heero's parted lips, Duo felt a bit more of the tight knot of pain and heartache loosen.
Drawing back slightly, Duo murmured softly, "If we - umm, do things differently than I did - before - I think I'll be okay, Heero. As long as things don't remind me too much, I should be able to handle this. And - I *want* to... If you do?"
Heero reached up and gently threaded his fingers through Duo's hair, thumbs stroking his cheeks. "Very much. But only whatever you're comfortable with, k - Duo."
"Go ahead, Heero. Try it," Duo insisted. "If we get out of my comfort zone, we'll just stop till I calm down then start again. We've got all day..."
With a soft smile, Heero answered a bit hesitantly, "If that's what you want, koi."
Duo's breath caught for an instant, then he smiled in relief. "It is, koibito." The endearment came more easily this time. And he'd felt only the slightest flicker of worry in response to Heero's term for him. 'So that's really the key. Avoid the memories. Which means... Shit.' "Uh, Heero, I've never been top before... if we're gonna avoid triggering memories... umm..." Duo's cheeks flooded with warmth. He hadn't really thought that far ahead. His relationship with - his previous relationship had just started out one way and it had been comfortable for them both, so the question of who took which role had never really come up, they'd just kept doing things the same way. So changing roles now should help avoid triggering memories and the panic that inevitably followed. And being top also gave at least an illusion of control, something he couldn't quite bring himself to give up yet, despite his love for Heero. The distrust and wariness ran too deep; his conscious mind alone was unable to overcome it entirely. But he really didn't know if Heero would be comfortable with things that way around.
"I've never been either, Duo, so I don't mind which way things work," Heero assured him. "Whatever is most comfortable for you."
Stunned, Duo stared at Heero. "Never?" he squeaked in surprise.
Heero's smile turned rueful, "If I couldn't have the one I wanted, I didn't want anyone at all..."
Duo's breath caught and he gave Heero a loving smile. "Then I'd better make this worth the wait, hadn't I?" And he would. He would make love to Heero with all the love and tenderness and passion he possessed. Use his body and their lovemaking to tell Heero all the things he couldn't put into words; all the things that he'd built such strong barriers against in the wake of his loss of Wufei. 'God Heero, I love you so much...' he thought fervently as he swooped down to capture Heero's lips in a passionate kiss. 'And one day, I *will* be able to tell you in words, not just actions. I swear it...'
***
Heero ran his fingers wonderingly through the cascades of silk that spilled across his chest. The day had been - incredible. Wonderful. Unbelievable. From the moment he awoke to Duo's feather-light kisses on his chest and that gorgeous hair unravelling from its braid to caress his bare skin, he had been half convinced that he must be dreaming. That Duo couldn't possibly be touching him so gently and caringly, couldn't be gazing at him with so much love and passion, couldn't be trusting him and his love enough to be making love to him so tenderly. But it hadn't been a dream; it had been real.
He and Duo hadn't left the apartment all day. Had never gotten dressed beyond pulling on a pair of boxers while they fixed meals and ate. Had showered together - several times. Had made love repeatedly. Despite how incredibly careful and gentle Duo had been, never causing more than a very slight discomfort, it was inevitable that Heero would be sore tomorrow. His body wasn't used to this yet, though he now could believe he would have the opportunity to become accustomed to Duo making love to him, something he'd scarcely dared believe possible not too long ago. Heero just hoped that they didn't have a field assignment tomorrow or he was probably going to regret coaxing Duo into taking him that last time. The wince he hadn't quite been able to hide afterwards had drawn an affectionate scolding for overdoing things from Duo, followed by a warm soak together in the tub. But that feeling of being joined so intimately, of being one with Duo, was so incredible that he hadn't been able to resist.
Beautiful though the day had been, it had still had its rough spots. He had slipped up and unthinkingly said "ai shiteru" once. Duo had frozen, trembling, but hadn't had a full-fledged panic attack. And after only a few moments, he had given Heero a shaky but beautiful smile before picking up where he had left off, kissing and caressing his way down Heero's torso. 'He *is* getting better,' Heero thought hopefully. Perhaps Duo would never be quite his old self; he certainly was far from it in public; but at home, with just Heero, he smiled with increasing frequency and Heero had even drawn a genuine grin and laugh from him on several memorable occasions in the past few weeks. The progress was slow, painfully so, but it *was* happening. Heero even dared hope that someday maybe, just maybe, Duo might even manage to tell Heero that he loved him. The words would be nice - though not entirely necessary. Every bit of hard-won progress proved that love in no uncertain terms.
***
Jun pressed one hand to her aching back. She would be very glad when all of this - the pregnancy, the charade of being the dutiful clan leader firmly under the elders' control - was over. And the day was rapidly nearing. *Very* rapidly.
She hastily signed and stamped the last few items from her urgent pile before picking up the phone. A moment later, she was saying, "Wufei, it's time," then shaking her head fondly at the surprised reaction from the other end. After reassuring him that there was no real rush, she could easily wait for him to arrive and take her to the hospital, Jun hung up the phone and sighed heavily. Now things would begin to happen very quickly. The elders would probably start the marriage contract pressure immediately after the baby's birth and all pretense of obedience would be thrown to the wind. She hoped that she and Wufei were ready for this.
***
Duo listened cynically as Une calmly informed them that it had been brought to her attention that he and Heero were - "involved" - and she regretted to inform them that they could no longer be partners. 'Regretted - yeah, right. Pull the other one, Une-babe, it's got bells on...' There was no disguising the moue of distaste she had given as she spoke. He had his own theory as to why Une seemed to have it in for any male couples in the department. A theory that involved a dead Oz General and a certain "Lightning Count". Nothing he could *prove*, no more than he could prove her discriminatory tendencies unfortunately, but he didn't think Wufei's departure was the only reason Zechs had quit Preventers. There had been other people in the department who would have made adequate partners. Though perhaps they hadn't been too willing to be partnered with the person who somehow seemed to always end up with the dullest, dirtiest assignments, something that Wufei had complained about on a regular basis.
"Since we do not really have anyone suitable to partner either of you available at this time," Une continued, "Yuy is the ideal choice for this mission. Maxwell can assist with administrative duties until a new partner is available."
Duo stiffened. 'What mission?' He wasn't too thrilled with being relegated to administrative duties - aka Une's gopher he thought scornfully - but the mission Une was giving Heero was rapidly swamping his annoyance with panic. 'A minimum of six months deep cover in an undisclosed location? No! God, no, please... I can't...' He fought to control the rising fear. 'He *can't*; Heero *promised*...'
Heero had promised not to leave him by choice - but this wasn't choice, this was a mission. And Heero Yuy never turned down a mission. 'He'll come back; it's only six months...' Duo tried to convince himself but that tiny part of him that still couldn't bring itself to trust was shrieking its vindication.
Duo watched dully as Heero skimmed through the briefing he had been handed. After a few moments, Heero closed the folder with a decisive snap. Duo struggled to breathe as Heero intoned, "Mission - refused."
"What?!" Duo vaguely realized that Une had shouted the same shocked exclamation as he had.
"Mission refused," Heero repeated, tossing the folder back onto Une's desk and crossing the room in two quick strides to catch Duo around the waist as his legs abruptly gave out on him. "There are at least five other agents in this office alone who are perfectly qualified to undertake that mission and are *not* involved in a longterm relationship. There is no compelling reason for it to be me that goes."
Duo leaned into Heero, grateful for the strong arm supporting him. 'He *refused*?! Heero *refused* a mission? For - me? For *us*?'
"And there is no compelling reason why it should not be," Une gritted out coldly. "This is a paramilitary organization, not a democracy. You *are* going on that mission Yuy. That is an order."
"I am *not* going. You will have my resignation on your desk just as soon as I can print it out," Heero answered equally icily. Despite the cold tone, Heero's hold on Duo was warm and supportive, fingers stroking gently, reassuringly.
Une's gaze narrowed angrily. "Fine. You have until the end of this shift to do so and clear out your things. I do not want to see you back here after today." She turned and snatched the folder off of the desk. "As for the mission... Maxwell..."
"You'll have my resignation along with Heero's," Duo said sharply. He had had enough of this. Joining the Preventers had been Wufei's idea to start with; he didn't *regret* the time he had spent here but it had been becoming increasingly unpleasant lately. And he definitely had no wish to stay without Heero. 'Heero...'
Duo was barely aware of Une's icy dismissal and their return to their desks to print out letters of resignation before clearing out their office. He simply followed Heero's guidance, too lost in his own thoughts to concentrate on what he was supposed to be doing. 'Heero refused a *mission* because of us. *Quit* because of us. Because he wouldn't leave me, not even for a six-month mission...' The joy and wonder spreading through Duo silenced that skeptical little voice once and for all. Missions were to Heero what honour was to Wufei. If Heero wouldn't even leave him for a *mission*... 'I can trust him. Really and truly trust him. He loves me more than anything...'
***
Heero stole a worried glance at Duo as he pulled into the apartment building's parking garage. Duo had been silent and distracted ever since Une pulled that little stunt. 'God, I hope this hasn't set him back again...' he thought unhappily. He had *known* Une would pull something sooner or later; that she would at the very least forbid that they work together as partners. He wished that he had quit sooner, before she did this. He had been terrified that Duo would have a panic attack at the news of the mission's expected duration; had wanted nothing more than to mould Duo's body tightly to his and murmur reassurances of his love and continued presence but had been equally afraid that doing so would only make the panic attack inevitable.
They rode the elevator up to their apartment in silence, walking side by side yet not touching. The lump of fear in Heero's throat continued to swell. If Une's little stunt had hurt Duo, had driven him back into his isolation... He didn't know what he would do. It had taken them *months* to reach their current level of intimacy; having to start over again was a truly frightening thought.
His fears went up in smoke once the apartment door closed behind them. Duo turned to him, one hand reaching to pull his braid over his shoulder and offer the end to Heero. "Ai shiteru, Heero. Make love to me?" he said breathlessly.
Heero froze, eyes widening in disbelief. Duo's smile widened, joy and love clearly reflected in sparkling amethyst eyes. "Duo?" Heero whispered in shock.
Duo reached out and caught Heero's hand, raising it and pressing the braid into it. "I l-love you, Heero. Make love to me, koi."
'He *said* it - he actually *said* it...' Heero thought, stunned. Fumbling as he pulled the elastic off the braid and gently shook Duo's hair loose, Heero murmured shakily, "I love you too, Duo. Love you so much..."
Still smiling radiantly, Duo answered, "I know you do Heero. *Really* know it now." He took Heero's hand and pressed it over his heart. "Know it in *here* not just with my mind..."
Heero pulled Duo into a tight embrace. "You were so quiet after we left Une's office... I was afraid..."
"I'm sorry, koi... I didn't realize how you might interpret my distraction. I was - in shock, I guess. You refused a *mission* for me - for *us*. It just - took a while to really sink in. You love me that much..."
His breath caught sharply as Heero realized exactly what Duo meant. That he had just passed the greatest test of their relationship without even noticing it. 'That by choosing our relationship over a mission - regardless of the fact that it did *not* require me specifically - I proved I wouldn't leave him. That he was more important to me.' That Heero wouldn't choose duty over love the way that Wufei had.
And even if his presence on that mission *had* been critical, he would have found other options. They could have restructured the operation so that the two of them went undercover together regardless of Une's insistence that they no longer partner one another. Had his presence been truly essential, she would have had to give in. He was no longer the slavishly obedient soldier that he had once been; he knew where his own priorities lay and was willing to stand up for them. To defend his relationship with Duo.
"Make love to me Heero," Duo insisted again before kissing him passionately.
'Does he mean what I think he does? That he wants me to take him this time?' "You mean..."
Duo nodded, his smile changing to a broad grin.
Heero pounced, scooping Duo off of his feet and drawing a startled peal of bright laughter from him. "With pleasure," Heero smirked as he carried his lover down the hall to their room.
***
Wufei watched silently as Jun tucked their infant daughter into her crib. He adored tiny Meilan and respected the determined woman who was her mother and his wife. But sometimes he felt guilty that he could be so happy in the presence of his child knowing that she existed only because he had betrayed and abandoned the one he loved.
'I need to face Duo and apologize properly...' he decided reluctantly. 'Need to see just how badly my betrayal has affected him. Whether he has been able to move on and be happy again.'
Was he really ready for that? Ready to possibly see Duo happy with someone else? Or worse, to discover that Duo had *not* been able to move on? That his betrayal had left Duo unable to trust or love again?
Wufei wasn't sure. And at the moment, both he and Jun were still too deeply involved in correcting at least some of the problems that the elders had created with their meddling for him to leave. But he knew that he was going to have to face Duo soon, whether he was ready or not. Because if he didn't, his guilt would eventually taint his relationship with his daughter as well as destroying any chance that he and Jun could ever learn to at least love one another even if they never were *in* love with each other. And Mei deserved more than that even if Wufei himself did not.
***
As Duo raced down the path to the stables ahead of them, Quatre said softly, "Heero, what did you *do*? He's - almost his old self again! At least around the three of us..."
A tiny half-smile tugged at the corner of Heero's mouth. "I just loved him, Quatre... Once he finally truly accepted that..." He spread his hands and shrugged slightly. "And I think that leaving the Preventers and deciding to move helped too. Neither of us was very happy with our jobs anymore. And a change of location will mean that he isn't running into memories at every turn either."
"Are you thinking about moving here?" Quatre asked eagerly.
Heero nodded. "Yes. We've talked about this quite a bit and agreed that we would like to be near you and Trowa again. We've missed those weekend get-togethers since Trowa quit the Preventers and the two of you moved to L4. Particularly since Duo still won't let anyone else close enough to become friends. I suspect that will never change at this point."
"So some of the damage, some of the change, is permanent," Trowa commented quietly and a bit grimly.
Silently, Heero dipped his head in agreement. Just before they reached the stables, he added, "But he'll argue with me now instead of simply going silent and retreating. And he hasn't had a panic attack since well before we quit. I don't have to watch every word I say around him either. He smiles and he laughs now. He may not be the same as he once was but he's still *Duo*, not the pale shadow of himself that he was for so long."
***
Duo smiled across at Quatre. The blond and Trowa were curled up together on the couch facing the one that he and Heero shared. Quatre's smile in return was distinctly sleepy. The warmth from the artificial fireplace at the end of the room was making them all sleepy after an active day of swimming and riding. It had been a wonderful day; a day spent with his only real friends. Though the gap left by the absence of one of the group had been felt by them all at different points and in different ways.
Snuggling down in Heero's arms, Duo still felt that tiny ache deep inside. That Wufei-shaped hole in his heart. He loved Heero, was in love with Heero; there was no question in his mind or heart about those feelings. He loved Heero just as much as he had loved - and in a way still, reluctantly, loved - Wufei. But he also trusted Heero and had faith that his love was returned in equal measure. Something that he no longer could say about Wufei.
Because despite the fact that he knew how important the Chang family honour was to Wufei, Duo was still very hurt and angry that it had meant more to him than their love. And despite what he had said two years ago - that he knew Wufei had to go through with the engagement or it would destroy them anyway - he resented the fact that Wufei hadn't told him about the situation, *discussed* it with him, taken his input into consideration, before making a decision. That he hadn't treated him as an equal; had made the decision on behalf of them both. The betrayal wasn't only of their love, it was of the trust and friendship between them as well.
Duo didn't know whether things would have turned out any different in the end but he still felt that Wufei should have given him a chance to at least make his own views known. It would have been just as painful when Wufei left him but at least he might have felt a sense of closure. And perhaps the lingering anger and bitterness would not be as strong or as lasting.
As it was, he was moving on to a whole new chapter in his life with the feeling that a previous part was still incomplete. Duo wished that he could truly move on but that whole feeling of "unfinished business" made it difficult. He would just have to leave the past behind as best he could, however, since a new part of his life was definitely beginning. He and Heero would discuss Quatre's offer later in private but he suspected that they would end up taking it. Living here and working for WEI would let them spend plenty of time with their friends. And having an entire floor of one wing to themselves would provide enough privacy to keep them happy too.
'And I *am* happy,' Duo thought wonderingly. Not "almost content" or even "content" but genuinely *happy*. Oh, there was still that part of his heart that ached but then nothing was ever perfect. His heart still had bits that ached for Sister Helen and Father and Solo too. Those aches weren't quite as bad as the one created by Wufei's absence but then time had dulled them somewhat; perhaps the ache for Wufei - not just for the lost love but for the lost trust and friendship - would eventually dim to the more distant ache that the others he'd loved and lost had left behind. For now, though, it was bearable and the love that he and Heero shared was more than enough to make him happier than he could have believed possible even a year ago.
Tilting his head so that he could see Heero's face, Duo murmured softly, "Love you, 'Ro..."
Heero smiled and bent his head to kiss Duo tenderly. As he drew back, he responded, "And I love you, Duo. Happy?"
"Very..." Very happy indeed...
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