Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Cost of Honour Trilogy #3 - Paid in Full ❯ Chapter 5
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: Calic0cat 
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Angst | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 05.16.2003 | Pages: 2 | Words: 5.1K | Visits: 466 | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Angst | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 05.16.2003 | Pages: 2 | Words: 5.1K | Visits: 466 | Status: Completed
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Title: #3 - Paid in Full
Part: 5/5
Series: The Cost of Honour Trilogy
Author: Calic0cat <calic0cat@fastmail.fm>
Story Started: Apr. 24, 2003
Story Finished: May 13, 2003
Genre: Yaoi, Angst, Sap, Romance
Pairings: 1x2x1, 3x4 implied, 5xOC (het), 5x2 (past)
Rated: R
Warnings: AU, OOC, Swearing, Angst, Lime/Implied Lemon
Archives: At Lev's Lair http://www.gwaddiction.com/levlair/ and at http://calic0cat.freeservers.com (my site) and at Mediaminer.org under Calic0cat. Anyone with archive permission for my other fics can help themselves.
Disclaimer: Duo and Heero and the rest of the GW gang aren't mine. This story is. Nuff said.
Notes: Post-series & post-EW. AC 201. Heero, Duo, Trowa, & Quatre are all living at a Winner estate on L4 and working at WEI.
'Thinking'
"Speaking"
************ Time passing or scene change
Author's Notes: Feedback is appreciated.
#################################################
Wufei sank into a chair as Heero and Duo left the room. He had no idea how much time he spent sitting there. He was too lost in thought to care. The conversation with Heero had left him with a great deal to think about. 'Heero Yuy *refused* a mission for personal reasons... Because he wouldn't leave Duo behind for six months... He *quit* the Preventers over it...' Closing his eyes and shaking his head slightly, Wufei realized why Duo loved Heero so much and clearly trusted him so much. 'Because Heero chose love over duty. Because he passed the test that I, in Duo's eyes, failed...'
But Wufei couldn't truthfully say that he would change his decision, even knowing everything that he now knew. He did not think that either the elders or himself would have been satisfied with the alternative solution that had been mentioned. Did not think that such a tricky, slippery, technical fulfilment of the marriage contract's terms would have been an honourable solution. A solution that he could have lived with. For one thing, he did not think that he could have lived on Earth and left his child to be raised on the colony without his own influence. That he could have abdicated his responsibility to his own flesh-and-blood like that. And moving to the colony in order to be near his child would not have been a viable solution. The elders would have made sure of that; would have made sure that Duo felt their displeasure at his relationship with Wufei, at his influence on Wufei, every minute that he was within their sphere of influence. In the end, Wufei would have been left facing the choice of remaining near his child or leaving with his lover - and once again, honour would have left him with only one possible course of action. 'And the end result would have been the same, only delayed by a few short years, years that would probably have been increasingly uncomfortable for everyone involved...'
And he couldn't entirely regret his decision because of Meilan, his beautiful baby girl. And because of the changes that Jun was introducing in the clan, changes that he was helping to implement. Changes that would guarantee the happiness of their daughter's generation and those that followed. Changes that would ensure that choices like his own and Jun's would never have to be made again.
So that left him no further ahead than when he boarded the shuttle to come here. He still did not know how to begin to mend his friendship with Duo or to at least obtain Duo's forgiveness. His attempted apology yesterday was clearly not the one Duo wanted to hear. He couldn't apologize for his actual choice because he could not apologize for the existence of his very loved, very wanted, daughter. So - what *was* he supposed to apologize for? What exactly did he *need* to apologize for? Wufei knew that the clues were undoubtedly in what Duo had said to him yesterday and what Heero had said today. He just needed to find them.
***
Jun packed the last of the baby's things and checked the room carefully for anything that she might have overlooked. It was nearly time for them to leave for the shuttleport to make the trip back to their own colony. She was ready to go though not as anxious to escape the tense, uncomfortable situation as she had been last night. Today had been much less stressful.
At breakfast, everyone had been more relaxed. And while she was outside with Mei just before lunch, she had been drawn to the pool area by the sound of splashing and bright laughter. She had hurriedly retreated once she realized that the sounds were being made by Duo and Heero; she hadn't wanted to intrude on their privacy and create another uncomfortable situation. But she had caught a brief glimpse of mischievous grins and had been amazed at the difference happiness made in them both. Heero had impressed her as stern and almost sullen yet as he playfully splashed Duo he'd seemed far warmer and more open. And Duo's solemn, wary face had been happy and full of mischief as he responded with even more vigorous splashes. Neither of them looked anything like the versions of themselves that she had experienced so far.
Lunch had been a bit quiet. Quatre had tried to keep the conversation going but Wufei had been lost in thought and Duo and Heero had been late joining them. The two of them had arrived just as the rest of them were finishing their meal, Duo's braid dampening his shirt and clearly the reason for the delay since Heero finished braiding it and slipped an elastic on the end just as they entered the room, apologizing for their tardiness. 'I do not blame them for taking their time in joining us. They were clearly enjoying themselves.' And it was just more proof that Duo was, as he had told her the previous night, happy again. That Heero *made* him happy. And it was equally clear that Heero loved Duo and that Duo made *him* happy. Because she had great difficulty imagining the serious, rather forbidding man having a splash-war and laughing so hard he could barely tread water with someone that he *didn't* care very deeply for.
As she placed her suitcase and the baby's bags beside Wufei's luggage, Jun thought, 'Now if only Wufei and I can find at least a measure of that same happiness.' She hoped so. Hoped that Wufei could move past his guilt and *allow* himself to be happy again. Because while she would not say that she was in love with him she did care for him and respect him. She knew as well that Wufei respected her and cared for her well-being, both as his wife and as the mother of his child. And while a mutual caring and respect combined with a shared love for their daughter was better than nothing, was in fact more than many of her clan's arranged marriages *ever* had, Jun hoped that with time, that caring and respect would turn to more. That they too would have a second chance at love.
***
As Wufei followed Trowa down the stairs, carrying the last of the luggage out to the front step, ready to be loaded as soon as the limousine was brought around, he hoped that Duo would show up before they left. He knew now what he needed to apologize for. Knew too *why* he had made that particular mistake in the first place. Why he had been so slow to acknowledge that it *was* a mistake. But by the time he had finally admitted to himself what that important apology was, Duo and Heero had disappeared off to their own wing again and he had been distinctly reluctant to go in search of them. To seek them out in what was clearly their own territory. Quatre had mentioned that the staff did not even enter their part of the wing except at certain set times; it was truly their own space within the huge house.
Part of Wufei's reluctance to go find them was simply that he did not wish to intrude on their territory. The other part was his fear that he would interrupt something that would only make it even more clear that Duo and Heero were - together. 'That they are *lovers*, Chang. At least admit it to yourself. It hurts to watch them together when they are merely holding hands; catching them kissing or in an even more intimate moment would be excruciatingly painful as well as being damn embarrassing for all of us.' He was - coming to terms with the fact that Duo was completely, irrevocably, Heero's now, just as Heero was quite clearly Duo's, body, heart, and soul. But it was going to take some time to reach the point where he did not flinch away from the thought. To reach the point where his happiness for Duo's sake outweighed his own jealousy and grief. The point where that happiness was not so heavily tinged with regret for what might have been.
***
"We don't have to go see them off if you don't want to," Heero said softly, raising his eyes from the chessboard to meet Duo's. He reached out one hand to still Duo's nervous tapping of a captured pawn against the tabletop.
Duo let go of the chess piece and turned his hand over to clasp Heero's. "No, I'm okay, 'Ro. I guess - I'm just hoping that he's finally figured things out. I *want* to let go of all the hurt and bitterness and anger but I'm not sure whether I can until he apologizes for the way he acted. For ignoring the fact that I was supposed to be his partner in life and making a life-altering decision that affected us both without giving me any say in it." He was silent for a moment, then said hesitantly, "I'm not being unrealistic am I 'Ro? Thinking that he should have at least talked things over with me even if he didn't go along with what I wanted?"
Heero stood and tugged Duo to his feet as well, pulling him into his arms in a reassuring hug. "No, koi, you're not. And I think that he *will* figure it out eventually even if he hasn't yet." 'Even if I have to drop a few hints to Quatre and have him pass them on, Wufei *will* figure this out and apologize,' he thought grimly. He really couldn't understand why it had even taken him this long to figure things out. He had expected Wufei to approach them after lunch and ask to speak to Duo alone again; the fact that he had not had puzzled Heero. Wufei was not usually this dense. And he knew from various things that had been mentioned during the conversations about Jun's changes to the clan that Wufei and Jun *did* discuss important decisions on a regular basis. Though of course since Jun was the one with the actual authority, there was not a great deal of choice there, Wufei *had* to have her agreement before implementing any changes.
Duo sighed, his breath puffing against Heero's neck. "Mmm. Instant stress relief - one hug from Heero Yuy. If I could bottle this feeling and sell it, I'd be richer than Q."
Heero's throat tightened along with his arms. He knew Duo loved him; knew that Duo loved being held by him. The readiness with which Duo sought out his arms told him that. But hearing Duo express it through comments like this was even better. Reluctantly, he said, "It's almost time for them to leave, love. If you want to be there to see them off, we'd better head downstairs."
Duo's head moved against his shoulder in a nod of acknowledgement and Duo's arms tightened around him for a moment before loosening. "Okay. Let's go then."
***
Duo left his fingers entwined with Heero's as they joined the others near the front door. That bit of support helped more than he could even begin to explain. Facing Wufei still hurt. Would probably hurt for a long time to come. And he wasn't sure that his feelings towards his former lover would ever be completely free of that mixed-up tangle of caring and hurt and mistrust and regret. There was too much between the five of them for anything to ever truly destroy every trace of the caring that they all had for each other. But there were far too many other feelings added to that for him to ever feel anything even remotely close to the love that he had felt for Wufei before. Too many negative feelings.
The lack of trust was one of the strongest and one of the ones that hurt the most. It was a damn good thing that they no longer had to go into battle together because he no longer trusted Wufei enough to let him watch his back. No longer trusted him with his life let alone his heart and soul. Duo regretted that loss even more than he regretted losing Wufei.
Falling in love with Heero couldn't *replace* being in love with Wufei. His love for Heero was different from the love he'd once felt for Wufei; each love was unique and one was not merely a substitute for the other. But falling in love with Heero, being loved by Heero, *had* more than made up for losing Wufei, for falling out of love with him. Although the love between Heero and Duo was different than what he had had with Wufei, it was no less. Was in fact becoming stronger and deeper with time, as their relationship deepened. So although a small part of Duo still loved Wufei along with the others that he had loved and lost, and another small part of him loved his "family" - the other Gundam pilots including Wufei, the rest of his heart belonged to Heero. And that made up for losing Wufei as his lover, as his life-mate.
The shattered trust, though, was a different story altogether.
It was the betrayal, the breach of trust, that had sent Duo into such deep shock right at the time of Wufei's announcement. That had sent him reeling without a fight from the blow Wufei dealt him. Nothing could ever replace or even make up for the trust that had been lost. That had been a unique thing, forged in battle and friendship and peace and love, and it could never be truly restored or replaced. The trust that he had in Trowa and Quatre and the even greater trust he had in Heero were things that he valued very highly. And each of those was equally unique and irreplaceable. But they all had already existed; no new one had come into being to fill the hole left by the loss of his trust in Wufei. So although he still had *those* bonds of trust and friendship, they could not make up for the one that was lost, irredeemably shattered, by what Wufei had done.
As the goodbyes between everyone concluded, Wufei came to stand in front of Duo. Duo met his gaze levelly, far better prepared to face Wufei today than he had been yesterday. The talks that he had had with Heero since then had helped him come to terms a bit more with the hurt and anger and bitterness. He no longer felt that he could barely control his temper, that he could scarcely restrain himself from deliberately saying things to hurt Wufei. And Heero's silent, steady presence at his side reminded him that no matter how badly Wufei had hurt him, he had something truly wonderful now to make up for all the pain. That in the end, the greatest loss was Wufei's because he had lost two friends not just one, as well as losing the one he loved.
And Wufei had not found a second chance at love as Duo had. At least not yet. Though Duo could see the caring that Jun clearly had for Wufei, caring that she had shown in her conversation with him the previous day. And Duo hoped that, in time, the two of them would come to love one another. Because he did not think that either of them deserved to be trapped in a loveless marriage and their daughter deserved to have parents who loved each other as well as her. Deserved to have a loving family.
Wufei took a deep breath then began, "Duo, I know that I can never truly make up for the way that I hurt you. I am sorry that I hurt you but I know that does not change the fact that I *did*. I do not know whether it would have changed anything - I am not certain that any alternative options would have truly satisfied both the elders and myself that they fulfilled the contract and preserved my family's honour - but I should not have given them a decision without discussing it with you first. All that I can say in my defence is that I could not bear to go over all the arguments with you that I had already gone through with the elders. And I *did* argue with them; argued for many hours. Argued that my heart was committed elsewhere; that *I* was committed elsewhere. The simple fact remained that the marriage contract predated any commitment that I had made and thus took precedence. That the commitment made by my family rendered any more recent commitments that I had made null and void. And I finally had to submit to them. To agree that I would honour the contract.
"I could not face going over those same arguments again with you. Could not be certain that I would be able to stand firm. Reaching the decision the first time was so difficult and painful that I feared I might back out if I had to do it all over again. And if I *had* backed out, if I had refused the elders, it would have eaten away at me, and the regret that I had forsaken my duty would have eventually turned my love for you to resentment..." His voice dropped to a mere whisper as he finished, "And that I could not bear to imagine..."
Duo tightened his grip on Heero's fingers as Wufei spoke. When Wufei bowed deeply and said a final soft, "I'm sorry," Duo had to blink rapidly and swallow hard. He could understand why Wufei had done things the way he had, the explanation made sense, but he still disagreed with it. Wufei should have given him the opportunity to discuss the situation. Should have given him equal rights in the decision since it affected him too.
But Wufei *had* apologized, simply and sincerely. He didn't think that he could honestly say that he forgave Wufei. Not yet. He was going to have to think this through, work through the rest of the lingering bitterness and anger. But he *could* at least give Wufei this much...
Squeezing Heero's fingers firmly for an instant first, Duo slipped his hand free of Heero's and reached out to touch Wufei's shoulder lightly. "I accept your apology," he said quietly. "I can't honestly say that I forgive you. Not yet. In time... Perhaps. And I will tell you the same thing that I have already told the others - don't let the fact that I'm not prepared to be friends again keep you from being friends with those who *are*."
Wufei straightened slowly as Duo drew his hand away. "Thank you," he said simply, dipping his head in acknowledgement, before turning to leave.
Duo sought Heero's hand again, drawing comfort from the warm fingers firmly clasping his own. Once the door closed behind the others, he turned towards Heero, stepping into the embrace that was waiting for him.
"How do you feel?" Heero asked softly.
Duo sighed and answered honestly, "A little sad. Not quite so angry. Relieved. Kind of tired. A little bit sorry for Wufei because he doesn't have *this* with someone..." He snuggled his head against Heero's shoulder, his arms tightening around him. Despite the fact that he'd admitted he was tired, the broad yawn caught him by surprise. "Sorry, 'Ro. Make that 'really tired'," he admitted wearily. "Guess the whole weekend just suddenly caught up to me..."
"Come on then, let's go raid the kitchen for a snack then go to bed," Heero suggested. "I know you've got a full day scheduled tomorrow..."
"Mmm-hmm," Duo nodded, giving in to Heero's gentle nudges and allowing himself to be turned around and headed towards the kitchen. An early night sounded like a pretty good idea. The extra sleep would make sure he was ready for the meetings he had tomorrow. And he knew that Heero had sleep in mind, not - other activities. The tone of his voice was protective and comforting, not the least bit teasing or suggestive. And that was fine with him; simply lying together wrapped in each other's arms was a huge source of comfort for both of them. He stopped for a moment to give Heero a slow, sleepy smile and say softly, "Love you, 'Ro."
Heero smiled back and murmured, "Love you too." His tone changed and he continued half-teasingly, "Now come on, let's get you fed before you fall asleep at the table on me."
Duo grinned and wrinkled up his nose, "Okay, okay, I'm going..." He stifled another yawn as Heero prodded him into motion again. Yep, he definitely felt sorry for Wufei - honour and duty couldn't possibly begin to replace this...
***
Settling back in his shuttle seat with a sigh, Wufei was glad to be heading back home. Being around Duo, having to watch him together with Heero, was too difficult to bear for longer than a weekend. It wasn't as if the two of them had been particularly blatant either. They had held hands a few times and on that one specific occasion while he was speaking with Heero they had wrapped an arm around each other but for the most part they had simply been near each other. And yet that alone had been enough to remind him painfully of just what he had given up.
The entire weekend had been extremely difficult. Finding out just how badly he had hurt Duo left his heart aching - and he was certain that there was more, that there were things that had not been mentioned. If there had not been, Heero would not have been so firm in his statement that there was not much more he was willing to say. Part of Wufei wanted to know what those things were. The rest of him acknowledged that he had no right and if Duo and Heero chose not to tell him then he had no business trying to find out. And he also realized that perhaps it was better that he not know. That knowing would only increase his own sorrow and regret for the pain he had caused.
Wufei had mixed feelings about the weekend. He had not received the forgiveness that he had hoped for; merely acceptance of his apology and the possibility of future forgiveness. And seeing Duo happy with someone else had been painful. But at the same time, seeing Duo with Heero had assured him that Duo genuinely *was* happy again. And watching Heero with Duo - knowing how highly Heero valued his relationship with Duo - made it clear that Duo would *stay* happy as long as there was anything in Heero's power that would keep him that way. 'Which means that at least Mei is not the *only* good thing to have resulted from my choice...'
And at least Duo did not hate him. He was not in love with him anymore but he did still care about him enough to have told Jun that he hoped Wufei would be happy again someday. And glancing across at his beautiful baby girl and his graceful, determined wife, Wufei dared to hope that maybe someday he would be. That perhaps what he had would be enough. Someday.
***
Heero woke in the middle of the night, suddenly aware that his bedmate was missing. Listening for a moment, he decided that Duo was not merely in their bathroom and judging by the coolness of the spot next to him, Duo had been up for a while. Concerned, he rose and pulled on a bathrobe before venturing out into the hallway in search of Duo. A sliver of light from the partially-open door to the computer room caught his attention.
Duo turned as the door swung fully open in response to Heero's touch. "Sorry, koi, I didn't mean to wake you," he said apologetically. "I just needed to think about a few things and thought looking at a few of these might help..."
Heero moved to look over Duo's shoulder and wasn't surprised to see photos of the five pilots together displaying on the screen in a continuous slideshow. He knew that Duo had been struggling to let go of the last of his anger and forgive Wufei. It had been several months already since he had accepted Wufei's apology and Duo was finding forgiveness harder to manage than he had expected. The fact that he was finding it so difficult bothered him; Duo wasn't used to holding grudges.
Leaning his head back against Heero, Duo asked him quietly, "Do you have any of the pictures from when Wufei and I were together, koi? I destroyed all of mine... I think I'm ready to forgive him but I need to face what he and I had together first..."
Heero leaned over Duo's shoulder and typed in a few quick commands, pulling up some of his archived files. He knew that Duo could have gotten into them if he'd chosen to go looking for them but he also knew that Duo wouldn't do something like that behind his back. Trust had always been important to Duo but since what happened with Wufei it had become even more so. "There's not a lot of them," Heero warned, "but if I remember correctly some of them are going to be very rough to look at." He was fairly certain that there were at least a dozen taken on the day that Wufei and Duo had moved into their new house. Most of his own photos tended to be group ones or singles of Duo from before he and Wufei got together. Some of Duo and himself together before he'd figured out that he loved Duo. He'd avoided keeping photos of Duo and Wufei together since they had been difficult for him to look at but Duo had been so happy in those ones when they moved into their house that he had deliberately kept them to remind himself why he would never do anything to jeopardize that happiness.
Pressing a gentle kiss to Duo's temple, Heero straightened, intending to leave him to view the photos in privacy. A soft, "Stay?" stopped him in his tracks.
"If you want me to, of course," Heero answered. He reached out and pulled another chair over beside Duo's and took a seat. Duo's hand reached for his immediately while Duo's opposite hand reached out to tap the keyboard, starting the display of the images from Heero's files.
***
'Heero wasn't kidding when he said some of these were going to be rough to look at,' Duo thought as the images shifted across the screen. Images of him laughing in Wufei's arms. Of Wufei indulgently posing sprawled on the rug in front of the fireplace with him. Of the two of them serving the first meal in their new home to the moving crew that consisted solely of the other three ex-pilots. Of the two of them very clearly happy and in love.
Deliberately stirring up the painful memories, poking at the half-healed wounds, *hurt*. But - and this was why he'd wanted some of these photos that showed the love between Wufei and himself - no more than looking at archived news photos of the church and Father and Sister Helen did. The ache of loss had dimmed now. Looking at these photos of Wufei and himself as a couple was for the most part only very slightly more painful than looking at those of the five of them laughing and playing together as the tight-knit group of friends that they used to be.
And thinking about what Wufei had done, about the way that Wufei had handled the entire situation, made him unhappy and disappointed rather than bitter and angry. He still wasn't ready to let Wufei try to earn his friendship again. Still wasn't sure whether he would ever be ready for that, whether he could ever trust Wufei even that much again. But he was ready to forgive him. To let go of that last bit of the past and move on.
Duo sighed and gave Heero's hand a gentle squeeze of thanks before sliding his own free and reaching out to stop the slideshow from looping again. A few quick taps brought up the mail program and in a moment he had created a new message addressed to Wufei. He typed a very brief message. Before he could send it however, Heero reached past him and added two words of his own. He gave Duo a small but warm smile and said simply, "If you're ready, then I am."
Nodding, Duo leaned against Heero's shoulder while Heero sent the message. Once it was gone, he caught Heero's hand in his own as he rose from the chair. "Time for bed if we want to make it through the day without falling asleep at our desks," he said. As Heero rose too and they started off towards their bedroom, Duo added silently, 'Time to leave the past behind once and for all and move on - together...'
***
Doing his morning email check, Wufei froze at the sight of a message from Duo. The subject had been left blank and he almost dreaded opening the message. He hadn't heard a word from Duo - or Heero - since his visit to Quatre's several months ago, despite the fact that Quatre and Trowa corresponded regularly with him and had even been to his colony to visit twice in that time period. Slowly, he moved to open the message. A single word accompanied by two names. 'Forgiven.'
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Title: #3 - Paid in Full
Part: 5/5
Series: The Cost of Honour Trilogy
Author: Calic0cat <calic0cat@fastmail.fm>
Story Started: Apr. 24, 2003
Story Finished: May 13, 2003
Genre: Yaoi, Angst, Sap, Romance
Pairings: 1x2x1, 3x4 implied, 5xOC (het), 5x2 (past)
Rated: R
Warnings: AU, OOC, Swearing, Angst, Lime/Implied Lemon
Archives: At Lev's Lair http://www.gwaddiction.com/levlair/ and at http://calic0cat.freeservers.com (my site) and at Mediaminer.org under Calic0cat. Anyone with archive permission for my other fics can help themselves.
Disclaimer: Duo and Heero and the rest of the GW gang aren't mine. This story is. Nuff said.
Notes: Post-series & post-EW. AC 201. Heero, Duo, Trowa, & Quatre are all living at a Winner estate on L4 and working at WEI.
'Thinking'
"Speaking"
************ Time passing or scene change
Author's Notes: Feedback is appreciated.
#################################################
Wufei sank into a chair as Heero and Duo left the room. He had no idea how much time he spent sitting there. He was too lost in thought to care. The conversation with Heero had left him with a great deal to think about. 'Heero Yuy *refused* a mission for personal reasons... Because he wouldn't leave Duo behind for six months... He *quit* the Preventers over it...' Closing his eyes and shaking his head slightly, Wufei realized why Duo loved Heero so much and clearly trusted him so much. 'Because Heero chose love over duty. Because he passed the test that I, in Duo's eyes, failed...'
But Wufei couldn't truthfully say that he would change his decision, even knowing everything that he now knew. He did not think that either the elders or himself would have been satisfied with the alternative solution that had been mentioned. Did not think that such a tricky, slippery, technical fulfilment of the marriage contract's terms would have been an honourable solution. A solution that he could have lived with. For one thing, he did not think that he could have lived on Earth and left his child to be raised on the colony without his own influence. That he could have abdicated his responsibility to his own flesh-and-blood like that. And moving to the colony in order to be near his child would not have been a viable solution. The elders would have made sure of that; would have made sure that Duo felt their displeasure at his relationship with Wufei, at his influence on Wufei, every minute that he was within their sphere of influence. In the end, Wufei would have been left facing the choice of remaining near his child or leaving with his lover - and once again, honour would have left him with only one possible course of action. 'And the end result would have been the same, only delayed by a few short years, years that would probably have been increasingly uncomfortable for everyone involved...'
And he couldn't entirely regret his decision because of Meilan, his beautiful baby girl. And because of the changes that Jun was introducing in the clan, changes that he was helping to implement. Changes that would guarantee the happiness of their daughter's generation and those that followed. Changes that would ensure that choices like his own and Jun's would never have to be made again.
So that left him no further ahead than when he boarded the shuttle to come here. He still did not know how to begin to mend his friendship with Duo or to at least obtain Duo's forgiveness. His attempted apology yesterday was clearly not the one Duo wanted to hear. He couldn't apologize for his actual choice because he could not apologize for the existence of his very loved, very wanted, daughter. So - what *was* he supposed to apologize for? What exactly did he *need* to apologize for? Wufei knew that the clues were undoubtedly in what Duo had said to him yesterday and what Heero had said today. He just needed to find them.
***
Jun packed the last of the baby's things and checked the room carefully for anything that she might have overlooked. It was nearly time for them to leave for the shuttleport to make the trip back to their own colony. She was ready to go though not as anxious to escape the tense, uncomfortable situation as she had been last night. Today had been much less stressful.
At breakfast, everyone had been more relaxed. And while she was outside with Mei just before lunch, she had been drawn to the pool area by the sound of splashing and bright laughter. She had hurriedly retreated once she realized that the sounds were being made by Duo and Heero; she hadn't wanted to intrude on their privacy and create another uncomfortable situation. But she had caught a brief glimpse of mischievous grins and had been amazed at the difference happiness made in them both. Heero had impressed her as stern and almost sullen yet as he playfully splashed Duo he'd seemed far warmer and more open. And Duo's solemn, wary face had been happy and full of mischief as he responded with even more vigorous splashes. Neither of them looked anything like the versions of themselves that she had experienced so far.
Lunch had been a bit quiet. Quatre had tried to keep the conversation going but Wufei had been lost in thought and Duo and Heero had been late joining them. The two of them had arrived just as the rest of them were finishing their meal, Duo's braid dampening his shirt and clearly the reason for the delay since Heero finished braiding it and slipped an elastic on the end just as they entered the room, apologizing for their tardiness. 'I do not blame them for taking their time in joining us. They were clearly enjoying themselves.' And it was just more proof that Duo was, as he had told her the previous night, happy again. That Heero *made* him happy. And it was equally clear that Heero loved Duo and that Duo made *him* happy. Because she had great difficulty imagining the serious, rather forbidding man having a splash-war and laughing so hard he could barely tread water with someone that he *didn't* care very deeply for.
As she placed her suitcase and the baby's bags beside Wufei's luggage, Jun thought, 'Now if only Wufei and I can find at least a measure of that same happiness.' She hoped so. Hoped that Wufei could move past his guilt and *allow* himself to be happy again. Because while she would not say that she was in love with him she did care for him and respect him. She knew as well that Wufei respected her and cared for her well-being, both as his wife and as the mother of his child. And while a mutual caring and respect combined with a shared love for their daughter was better than nothing, was in fact more than many of her clan's arranged marriages *ever* had, Jun hoped that with time, that caring and respect would turn to more. That they too would have a second chance at love.
***
As Wufei followed Trowa down the stairs, carrying the last of the luggage out to the front step, ready to be loaded as soon as the limousine was brought around, he hoped that Duo would show up before they left. He knew now what he needed to apologize for. Knew too *why* he had made that particular mistake in the first place. Why he had been so slow to acknowledge that it *was* a mistake. But by the time he had finally admitted to himself what that important apology was, Duo and Heero had disappeared off to their own wing again and he had been distinctly reluctant to go in search of them. To seek them out in what was clearly their own territory. Quatre had mentioned that the staff did not even enter their part of the wing except at certain set times; it was truly their own space within the huge house.
Part of Wufei's reluctance to go find them was simply that he did not wish to intrude on their territory. The other part was his fear that he would interrupt something that would only make it even more clear that Duo and Heero were - together. 'That they are *lovers*, Chang. At least admit it to yourself. It hurts to watch them together when they are merely holding hands; catching them kissing or in an even more intimate moment would be excruciatingly painful as well as being damn embarrassing for all of us.' He was - coming to terms with the fact that Duo was completely, irrevocably, Heero's now, just as Heero was quite clearly Duo's, body, heart, and soul. But it was going to take some time to reach the point where he did not flinch away from the thought. To reach the point where his happiness for Duo's sake outweighed his own jealousy and grief. The point where that happiness was not so heavily tinged with regret for what might have been.
***
"We don't have to go see them off if you don't want to," Heero said softly, raising his eyes from the chessboard to meet Duo's. He reached out one hand to still Duo's nervous tapping of a captured pawn against the tabletop.
Duo let go of the chess piece and turned his hand over to clasp Heero's. "No, I'm okay, 'Ro. I guess - I'm just hoping that he's finally figured things out. I *want* to let go of all the hurt and bitterness and anger but I'm not sure whether I can until he apologizes for the way he acted. For ignoring the fact that I was supposed to be his partner in life and making a life-altering decision that affected us both without giving me any say in it." He was silent for a moment, then said hesitantly, "I'm not being unrealistic am I 'Ro? Thinking that he should have at least talked things over with me even if he didn't go along with what I wanted?"
Heero stood and tugged Duo to his feet as well, pulling him into his arms in a reassuring hug. "No, koi, you're not. And I think that he *will* figure it out eventually even if he hasn't yet." 'Even if I have to drop a few hints to Quatre and have him pass them on, Wufei *will* figure this out and apologize,' he thought grimly. He really couldn't understand why it had even taken him this long to figure things out. He had expected Wufei to approach them after lunch and ask to speak to Duo alone again; the fact that he had not had puzzled Heero. Wufei was not usually this dense. And he knew from various things that had been mentioned during the conversations about Jun's changes to the clan that Wufei and Jun *did* discuss important decisions on a regular basis. Though of course since Jun was the one with the actual authority, there was not a great deal of choice there, Wufei *had* to have her agreement before implementing any changes.
Duo sighed, his breath puffing against Heero's neck. "Mmm. Instant stress relief - one hug from Heero Yuy. If I could bottle this feeling and sell it, I'd be richer than Q."
Heero's throat tightened along with his arms. He knew Duo loved him; knew that Duo loved being held by him. The readiness with which Duo sought out his arms told him that. But hearing Duo express it through comments like this was even better. Reluctantly, he said, "It's almost time for them to leave, love. If you want to be there to see them off, we'd better head downstairs."
Duo's head moved against his shoulder in a nod of acknowledgement and Duo's arms tightened around him for a moment before loosening. "Okay. Let's go then."
***
Duo left his fingers entwined with Heero's as they joined the others near the front door. That bit of support helped more than he could even begin to explain. Facing Wufei still hurt. Would probably hurt for a long time to come. And he wasn't sure that his feelings towards his former lover would ever be completely free of that mixed-up tangle of caring and hurt and mistrust and regret. There was too much between the five of them for anything to ever truly destroy every trace of the caring that they all had for each other. But there were far too many other feelings added to that for him to ever feel anything even remotely close to the love that he had felt for Wufei before. Too many negative feelings.
The lack of trust was one of the strongest and one of the ones that hurt the most. It was a damn good thing that they no longer had to go into battle together because he no longer trusted Wufei enough to let him watch his back. No longer trusted him with his life let alone his heart and soul. Duo regretted that loss even more than he regretted losing Wufei.
Falling in love with Heero couldn't *replace* being in love with Wufei. His love for Heero was different from the love he'd once felt for Wufei; each love was unique and one was not merely a substitute for the other. But falling in love with Heero, being loved by Heero, *had* more than made up for losing Wufei, for falling out of love with him. Although the love between Heero and Duo was different than what he had had with Wufei, it was no less. Was in fact becoming stronger and deeper with time, as their relationship deepened. So although a small part of Duo still loved Wufei along with the others that he had loved and lost, and another small part of him loved his "family" - the other Gundam pilots including Wufei, the rest of his heart belonged to Heero. And that made up for losing Wufei as his lover, as his life-mate.
The shattered trust, though, was a different story altogether.
It was the betrayal, the breach of trust, that had sent Duo into such deep shock right at the time of Wufei's announcement. That had sent him reeling without a fight from the blow Wufei dealt him. Nothing could ever replace or even make up for the trust that had been lost. That had been a unique thing, forged in battle and friendship and peace and love, and it could never be truly restored or replaced. The trust that he had in Trowa and Quatre and the even greater trust he had in Heero were things that he valued very highly. And each of those was equally unique and irreplaceable. But they all had already existed; no new one had come into being to fill the hole left by the loss of his trust in Wufei. So although he still had *those* bonds of trust and friendship, they could not make up for the one that was lost, irredeemably shattered, by what Wufei had done.
As the goodbyes between everyone concluded, Wufei came to stand in front of Duo. Duo met his gaze levelly, far better prepared to face Wufei today than he had been yesterday. The talks that he had had with Heero since then had helped him come to terms a bit more with the hurt and anger and bitterness. He no longer felt that he could barely control his temper, that he could scarcely restrain himself from deliberately saying things to hurt Wufei. And Heero's silent, steady presence at his side reminded him that no matter how badly Wufei had hurt him, he had something truly wonderful now to make up for all the pain. That in the end, the greatest loss was Wufei's because he had lost two friends not just one, as well as losing the one he loved.
And Wufei had not found a second chance at love as Duo had. At least not yet. Though Duo could see the caring that Jun clearly had for Wufei, caring that she had shown in her conversation with him the previous day. And Duo hoped that, in time, the two of them would come to love one another. Because he did not think that either of them deserved to be trapped in a loveless marriage and their daughter deserved to have parents who loved each other as well as her. Deserved to have a loving family.
Wufei took a deep breath then began, "Duo, I know that I can never truly make up for the way that I hurt you. I am sorry that I hurt you but I know that does not change the fact that I *did*. I do not know whether it would have changed anything - I am not certain that any alternative options would have truly satisfied both the elders and myself that they fulfilled the contract and preserved my family's honour - but I should not have given them a decision without discussing it with you first. All that I can say in my defence is that I could not bear to go over all the arguments with you that I had already gone through with the elders. And I *did* argue with them; argued for many hours. Argued that my heart was committed elsewhere; that *I* was committed elsewhere. The simple fact remained that the marriage contract predated any commitment that I had made and thus took precedence. That the commitment made by my family rendered any more recent commitments that I had made null and void. And I finally had to submit to them. To agree that I would honour the contract.
"I could not face going over those same arguments again with you. Could not be certain that I would be able to stand firm. Reaching the decision the first time was so difficult and painful that I feared I might back out if I had to do it all over again. And if I *had* backed out, if I had refused the elders, it would have eaten away at me, and the regret that I had forsaken my duty would have eventually turned my love for you to resentment..." His voice dropped to a mere whisper as he finished, "And that I could not bear to imagine..."
Duo tightened his grip on Heero's fingers as Wufei spoke. When Wufei bowed deeply and said a final soft, "I'm sorry," Duo had to blink rapidly and swallow hard. He could understand why Wufei had done things the way he had, the explanation made sense, but he still disagreed with it. Wufei should have given him the opportunity to discuss the situation. Should have given him equal rights in the decision since it affected him too.
But Wufei *had* apologized, simply and sincerely. He didn't think that he could honestly say that he forgave Wufei. Not yet. He was going to have to think this through, work through the rest of the lingering bitterness and anger. But he *could* at least give Wufei this much...
Squeezing Heero's fingers firmly for an instant first, Duo slipped his hand free of Heero's and reached out to touch Wufei's shoulder lightly. "I accept your apology," he said quietly. "I can't honestly say that I forgive you. Not yet. In time... Perhaps. And I will tell you the same thing that I have already told the others - don't let the fact that I'm not prepared to be friends again keep you from being friends with those who *are*."
Wufei straightened slowly as Duo drew his hand away. "Thank you," he said simply, dipping his head in acknowledgement, before turning to leave.
Duo sought Heero's hand again, drawing comfort from the warm fingers firmly clasping his own. Once the door closed behind the others, he turned towards Heero, stepping into the embrace that was waiting for him.
"How do you feel?" Heero asked softly.
Duo sighed and answered honestly, "A little sad. Not quite so angry. Relieved. Kind of tired. A little bit sorry for Wufei because he doesn't have *this* with someone..." He snuggled his head against Heero's shoulder, his arms tightening around him. Despite the fact that he'd admitted he was tired, the broad yawn caught him by surprise. "Sorry, 'Ro. Make that 'really tired'," he admitted wearily. "Guess the whole weekend just suddenly caught up to me..."
"Come on then, let's go raid the kitchen for a snack then go to bed," Heero suggested. "I know you've got a full day scheduled tomorrow..."
"Mmm-hmm," Duo nodded, giving in to Heero's gentle nudges and allowing himself to be turned around and headed towards the kitchen. An early night sounded like a pretty good idea. The extra sleep would make sure he was ready for the meetings he had tomorrow. And he knew that Heero had sleep in mind, not - other activities. The tone of his voice was protective and comforting, not the least bit teasing or suggestive. And that was fine with him; simply lying together wrapped in each other's arms was a huge source of comfort for both of them. He stopped for a moment to give Heero a slow, sleepy smile and say softly, "Love you, 'Ro."
Heero smiled back and murmured, "Love you too." His tone changed and he continued half-teasingly, "Now come on, let's get you fed before you fall asleep at the table on me."
Duo grinned and wrinkled up his nose, "Okay, okay, I'm going..." He stifled another yawn as Heero prodded him into motion again. Yep, he definitely felt sorry for Wufei - honour and duty couldn't possibly begin to replace this...
***
Settling back in his shuttle seat with a sigh, Wufei was glad to be heading back home. Being around Duo, having to watch him together with Heero, was too difficult to bear for longer than a weekend. It wasn't as if the two of them had been particularly blatant either. They had held hands a few times and on that one specific occasion while he was speaking with Heero they had wrapped an arm around each other but for the most part they had simply been near each other. And yet that alone had been enough to remind him painfully of just what he had given up.
The entire weekend had been extremely difficult. Finding out just how badly he had hurt Duo left his heart aching - and he was certain that there was more, that there were things that had not been mentioned. If there had not been, Heero would not have been so firm in his statement that there was not much more he was willing to say. Part of Wufei wanted to know what those things were. The rest of him acknowledged that he had no right and if Duo and Heero chose not to tell him then he had no business trying to find out. And he also realized that perhaps it was better that he not know. That knowing would only increase his own sorrow and regret for the pain he had caused.
Wufei had mixed feelings about the weekend. He had not received the forgiveness that he had hoped for; merely acceptance of his apology and the possibility of future forgiveness. And seeing Duo happy with someone else had been painful. But at the same time, seeing Duo with Heero had assured him that Duo genuinely *was* happy again. And watching Heero with Duo - knowing how highly Heero valued his relationship with Duo - made it clear that Duo would *stay* happy as long as there was anything in Heero's power that would keep him that way. 'Which means that at least Mei is not the *only* good thing to have resulted from my choice...'
And at least Duo did not hate him. He was not in love with him anymore but he did still care about him enough to have told Jun that he hoped Wufei would be happy again someday. And glancing across at his beautiful baby girl and his graceful, determined wife, Wufei dared to hope that maybe someday he would be. That perhaps what he had would be enough. Someday.
***
Heero woke in the middle of the night, suddenly aware that his bedmate was missing. Listening for a moment, he decided that Duo was not merely in their bathroom and judging by the coolness of the spot next to him, Duo had been up for a while. Concerned, he rose and pulled on a bathrobe before venturing out into the hallway in search of Duo. A sliver of light from the partially-open door to the computer room caught his attention.
Duo turned as the door swung fully open in response to Heero's touch. "Sorry, koi, I didn't mean to wake you," he said apologetically. "I just needed to think about a few things and thought looking at a few of these might help..."
Heero moved to look over Duo's shoulder and wasn't surprised to see photos of the five pilots together displaying on the screen in a continuous slideshow. He knew that Duo had been struggling to let go of the last of his anger and forgive Wufei. It had been several months already since he had accepted Wufei's apology and Duo was finding forgiveness harder to manage than he had expected. The fact that he was finding it so difficult bothered him; Duo wasn't used to holding grudges.
Leaning his head back against Heero, Duo asked him quietly, "Do you have any of the pictures from when Wufei and I were together, koi? I destroyed all of mine... I think I'm ready to forgive him but I need to face what he and I had together first..."
Heero leaned over Duo's shoulder and typed in a few quick commands, pulling up some of his archived files. He knew that Duo could have gotten into them if he'd chosen to go looking for them but he also knew that Duo wouldn't do something like that behind his back. Trust had always been important to Duo but since what happened with Wufei it had become even more so. "There's not a lot of them," Heero warned, "but if I remember correctly some of them are going to be very rough to look at." He was fairly certain that there were at least a dozen taken on the day that Wufei and Duo had moved into their new house. Most of his own photos tended to be group ones or singles of Duo from before he and Wufei got together. Some of Duo and himself together before he'd figured out that he loved Duo. He'd avoided keeping photos of Duo and Wufei together since they had been difficult for him to look at but Duo had been so happy in those ones when they moved into their house that he had deliberately kept them to remind himself why he would never do anything to jeopardize that happiness.
Pressing a gentle kiss to Duo's temple, Heero straightened, intending to leave him to view the photos in privacy. A soft, "Stay?" stopped him in his tracks.
"If you want me to, of course," Heero answered. He reached out and pulled another chair over beside Duo's and took a seat. Duo's hand reached for his immediately while Duo's opposite hand reached out to tap the keyboard, starting the display of the images from Heero's files.
***
'Heero wasn't kidding when he said some of these were going to be rough to look at,' Duo thought as the images shifted across the screen. Images of him laughing in Wufei's arms. Of Wufei indulgently posing sprawled on the rug in front of the fireplace with him. Of the two of them serving the first meal in their new home to the moving crew that consisted solely of the other three ex-pilots. Of the two of them very clearly happy and in love.
Deliberately stirring up the painful memories, poking at the half-healed wounds, *hurt*. But - and this was why he'd wanted some of these photos that showed the love between Wufei and himself - no more than looking at archived news photos of the church and Father and Sister Helen did. The ache of loss had dimmed now. Looking at these photos of Wufei and himself as a couple was for the most part only very slightly more painful than looking at those of the five of them laughing and playing together as the tight-knit group of friends that they used to be.
And thinking about what Wufei had done, about the way that Wufei had handled the entire situation, made him unhappy and disappointed rather than bitter and angry. He still wasn't ready to let Wufei try to earn his friendship again. Still wasn't sure whether he would ever be ready for that, whether he could ever trust Wufei even that much again. But he was ready to forgive him. To let go of that last bit of the past and move on.
Duo sighed and gave Heero's hand a gentle squeeze of thanks before sliding his own free and reaching out to stop the slideshow from looping again. A few quick taps brought up the mail program and in a moment he had created a new message addressed to Wufei. He typed a very brief message. Before he could send it however, Heero reached past him and added two words of his own. He gave Duo a small but warm smile and said simply, "If you're ready, then I am."
Nodding, Duo leaned against Heero's shoulder while Heero sent the message. Once it was gone, he caught Heero's hand in his own as he rose from the chair. "Time for bed if we want to make it through the day without falling asleep at our desks," he said. As Heero rose too and they started off towards their bedroom, Duo added silently, 'Time to leave the past behind once and for all and move on - together...'
***
Doing his morning email check, Wufei froze at the sight of a message from Duo. The subject had been left blank and he almost dreaded opening the message. He hadn't heard a word from Duo - or Heero - since his visit to Quatre's several months ago, despite the fact that Quatre and Trowa corresponded regularly with him and had even been to his colony to visit twice in that time period. Slowly, he moved to open the message. A single word accompanied by two names. 'Forgiven.'
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