Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Creed Arc ❯ Apathetic: Anti-Drift ( Chapter 19 )

Title: Apathetic 1/3
Author: Lethanon
Archive: www.geocities.com/lethanon
Warnings: Angst, 1x2x5, 2+R, 3x4
Notes: POV will alternate between parts of this fic. Part 6 of the Creed Arc. Flashbacks to 'the Creed: Almost'.

DUO POV

1: Anti-Drift

There is point A and there is point B. It's what happens in between that I've never understood. We start and we end…but how we stop starting and start ending…I cannot grasp. It's like being stuck in the wake of a ship; you know you're going somewhere but you can't see ahead and everything left behind is so churned up as to be nearly unrecognizable.

Heero's in the bed, sprawled out like some wicked wet dream that should have had me sweating. Instead I am ice cold, sitting as far away as I can while still being in our apartment, face glued to a window as I try to forget he even exists. What's wrong with me? I have no idea. If I knew, I wouldn't have been in this mess to begin with.

Relena called this morning. She's worried. She doesn't know what to do. It makes two of us and I'm strangely comforted to know I'm not alone, and yet I know deep down, in those dark places, that I am. How? Because I'm looking at my reflection in the glass and there's no one there. Just a shadow; an echo, and as the days pass, as the hours go by and the minutes tick on I can feel the flicker of the memory that is me fading and I'm forgetting. Forgetting myself. Me. I. I don't even have a mask anymore. I just…am…I feel like I'm floating. I'm the like that cloud I watched at Sanq palace, moving over the sun. I'm the shadow over otherwise bright lives.

I don't much like being a shadow, but don't care enough to change a thing.

Wufei's at work; we went days ago, and left me here…to deal. But deal what? I've no cards left and am not really aware we're playing. I'm just sitting at the table, like you want me to. Is that what you want? I used to know; used to see it in your eyes, but all I see there now is a reflection of what isn't there. I don't…I don't know you anymore. I don't know me either. It's nothing against you. It just is.

There is a knock at the door. It's not even four, I know because that's when Heero has to take his medication again, and I set my watch. It seems to take so long to get to the door. Why is that? How does every step feel like a mile, every leap a jump so large you know you're going to land the wrong way and splatter all over? I would crawl, if I thought it would be any easier.

The door's not locked, but the person didn't try it. It swings open at the behest of my hand, but I don't know the fingers gripping the knob. They're a strangers hands, and as I look at them I can feel the ghostly touch of memory. I can see Heero lacing his fingers through mine, kissing my knuckles. I can see Wufei pressing lips to my wrist, and I can hear their words. It's beautiful, honey, roses, thorns and ecstasy, just like they said, only I didn't think so then. I was too clouded, too consumed. But I can see it now, when I know what it's worth and know I can't feel it anymore. Why doesn't it feel like that anymore? Why are such things resigned to memory, to haunts unforgiving?

"Duo? Are you alright?"

Ah, Quatre. Always so cautious, but even as you stand there I can feel your heart reaching out, grasping at nothing. That's right Quatre…there's nothing for you to uncover anymore. It's almost a relief to not have to hide from you anymore. I've done it so long it feels…odd, to stand here now and just leave myself open. And I can tell you are as confused as ever. Is it that hard to imagine someone might be one step ahead of the game? But then, I'm not playing. Am I?

"Fine."

Sure, just come in, make yourself at home. You know I would have invited you in anyway, and I can read on your face you would have made me let you in had I thought of doing otherwise. You're here to check on Heero, right? To make sure I'm not neglecting my lover? Well, I'm not. See, the place is neat, tidy, organised. I've done everything expected of me. For once, I'm damn near perfect.

"This place looks great!"

Why so surprised? And why aren't I that you would say such a thing. There is nothing of me here; no sign that Duo Maxwell lives here. It's all Wufei and Heero, all Feng Shui possessed and it drives me half mad with distraction, fingers itching to touch something, but I leave it all, letting it sit. It is not mine. Not anymore. Maybe never was.

So I don't say anything and in time you turn that hawk-gaze of yours back to me, as I knew you would. What is it Quatre? What's not good enough about me now? What doesn't earn your Winner stamp of approval? Me. Just me. And we both know it.

My fingers are itching and I can still feel it; the brush of lips. The echo. The beginning. Is this when you wish you could go back and start again? Is that the place I've come to? Is that what this is? Talk to me Quatre! Tell me what this is! Talk to me. Not the walls, or the lover, or the damn mask. Me! Just once.

"How's Heero?"

Something…breaking. A small chipping of mirror that falls into the void. Do you have any idea why I'm turning away? No, I don't suppose you do. Neither do I, really. I just wanted to talk to someone…anyone.

"He's in the bedroom."

I know why you're looking at me funny, Quatre. I didn't answer your question. But go see for yourself; Heero can answer it well enough for himself and you won't be satisfied with anything I say anyway. I'm just speeding things up; making sure we don't spend too long dancing. I'm tired, you see. I don't like dancing anymore.

And there you go, taking the unspoken cue and waltzing through my bedroom door. How do you make it look like your bedroom? How do you fit in here when I don't? Am I so opaque?

I'm okay. I'm just going to wait out here, if you don't mind. Besides, I can hear your voices. I didn't know Heero was awake, but I bet you knew, didn't you Quatre. That's why you asked, isn't it? So why not tell me? Why the evasions, the poking and prodding; the desperate attempts to get something out of me. I'm just a doll Quatre; I'll give whatever you want. Just don't play too rough.

I move to the kitchen, because I don't really know what else to do. Heero will need his meds soon. He's probably awake because of the pain. I'll get them ready while they talk. Talk…what are you talking about? Heero doesn't talk to me. He just lies there and stares, this funny look on his face. It makes me nervous. Why does he do that? I don't like him staring at me. It's like he's waiting for something, but I don't know what. Not that I can complain; I stare at myself often enough, now don't I. Ha!

I know what I'm waiting for. I'm waiting for the day I feel good. I don't remember feeling…good. Not great, not bad, just…good. Some state in between; a part of that middle piece of life that is so eluding. It certainly eludes me…that's why I keep waiting. But how long can you wait for before you have to stop? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

The phone is ringing. I'm not sure I should answer it, but if I don't what will Quatre say. So I go to the wall, grab hold of the damn thing and pull it off the wall, glaring a little at it in distaste. Who invented the damn thing anyway? They should have been stomped on by a Gundam.

"Duo?"

"Trowa."

"Turn on the vid."

Why? And why the hell am I doing exactly what you say when I know I don't want to? How far have I fallen, and how far does this apathy stretch? Will I do anything anyone tells me to do? Please say no…but you'll never say no, right Trowa? You would never give in. You're not weak.

"Quatre there?"

"Yup."

At least you're not hard to talk to. It's all straight forward, here's a question now answer it kind of stuff. I think that's what I've always liked about you. But...looking at you now, I can see your eyes wandering, looking me up and down from head to toe, actually shifting you hair out of the way to get a clear view, and then you just smiled…and welcomed me home.

A memory. I know it, but I can't push past it. Why today? What's wrong with me? And why are you all checking up on me today? What's so important about today? It's just another day like any other, isn't it?

I need to talk to Relena….but you're on the phone. That's right…you. Trowa. And the memory fades and reality rudely steps back in. Don't scowl at me like that Trowa Barton; we both know you drift through the past on a regular basis. You can, and will, excuse me my micro slips.

"Talking to Heero?"

"Yup."

"Relena call? How's she?"

What about me? Heero's fine, Quatre's here and fine, Relena is fine…but what about me? Am I fine? Why not ask me? Why won't any of you talk to me? When did this ravine dig its way between us and how the hell am I supposed to cross it? Do I even want to? Why can't we just start again…and is that really what I want?

No, I really need to talk to Relena. Again. She's going to get sick of me soon, but I can reap what I sow for a little longer. Before you all leave.

"She's good. Busy." And she is! Barely has enough time for two words between conferences but she always calls for an hour at bed…I stay up late at night just to hear her voice. It helps to ground me; to separate me from this otherwise seriously male-oriented environment. One has to wonder what one's life is becoming when the Vice-Minister of the World Nations is 'grounding' material. I certainly do.

"Wufei's not going to be home tonight. Can you tell Heero?"

Why the hell not? And what the hell am I supposed to cook Heero for dinner then? We all know I can't cook! Hang on…

That's why Quatre's here, isn't it? I don't need to tell Heero; Quatre already has. You're just trying to keep me in the loop. Really, I appreciate the offer Trowa, but I wish you would just…stay away. Leave me alone. Let it all be. Let it end. Ot let it start…which is it these days?

"Sure thing."

That's almost a smile on your face Trowa, but it doesn't reach those eyes of you, and yes I can see them both. I'm not stupid and neither are you. We both read between the lines just fine.

"Duo…you know you can't cook."

Ah, see, I knew we were on the same track. It just takes you longer to figure out how to stick it in words. Me? I don't even bother. I know its useless.

"You can't change the truth. It's infallible."

You look…floored. There is this sudden sadness in your eyes as you look away, and I could swear I saw tears prickle in your eyes. But there's also a firmness in you now that wasn't there a moment before and I can't help but wonder…did I just prove something? Make you believe something you had not been sure about? What? Why?

You can't change the truth.

I've said that before. Thought it always. But not in a long time. And I realise you've seen something in the reflection I hadn't known was there. An echo; you've caught one of the memories and it makes you feel…justified. I don't know why. What have you done? What are you doing, and what has it to do with me?

I'm tired of feeling like this Trowa? I don't know what any of you expect from me! I'm tired of being what you want me to be but I've forgotten how to be anything else. I'm…so numb. I haven't been this numb since…then. Is that why I keep seeing these things; why the echoes are so loud when I've never even heard them before? Is that it? Is that the key I'm missing. Talk to me! Why won't anyone talk to me? Trowa!

…Help me.

"Trowa…"

"Duo?"

'If I'm not here, how will you know I'm safe?' Something is not right. I do not know what it is. I'm falling, spiralling down…I think I'm drowning in memory. They're surfacing in a spray of bubbles that threatens to eat me alive. Help me Trowa; tell me what's happening before they drag me under.

"…I'll tell him." I'll tell Heero. But he already knows.

'If you are safe then I'm happy.' Are you happy, Trowa? I'm safe…I'm where everyone wants me to be…I'm safe, aren't I? But I don't feel safe here. I felt safe with Relena. I feel…not so old when I'm around her. But here…Are we really happy? Is there where happiness comes, or from where it runs? I think we're stuck between. I think we don't' know what's coming, and it terrifies me, because I know it…I know what it is. I've held that hand before; seen those I love take it.

That's the end up ahead; the black hand.

"Okay Duo."

'I told you not to come back.' But I never left. I'm still here, and there…and everywhere. I have never been away from this place. Never been away from life. How can you love something you've never been without? Isn't that why we love the dead so much?

Yes, it's okay Trowa.

And you're gone, just like that, and it seems a sign as I stare at the blank screen. Where are you going now? Are you off to fine Wufei? And where is he that he didn't ring me himself? What is he doing that he wants to keep it hidden from me and Heero? Or does Heero know? Has Quatre told him that as well? Is that why you rang? To distract me while Quatre told Heero all?

Where are your spies now? Why do I feel so cold? So alone.

Something is wrong…I feel like time has frozen, as if I'm going nowhere and there is no expression to be found. I don't know what to do; there is no one here to tell me. The doll is…broken, somehow. Useless without the puppet master.

So I dial the number I've been wanting to call and let it connect.

"Duo?" Hissed.

"Busy?" Cautious.

"In a meeting…urgent?" A little louder.

"Wufei."

"Later." Hang up.

I just stare at the phone some more, and there are alarm bells ringing in my head. I can feel ghost lips on mine.

'I'm sorry, I wasn't quick enough.' Time is slipping. I can see it now, running through my fingers as the memories continue to surface, and underneath them all is a growing darkness that I know is going to explode at any moment. I'm watching the movie of my life, sitting on the edge of my seat because the beginning passed long ago and the climax is about to begin. Only I'm going to be a part of it. Somehow.

'Make people happy, little dove.' Wings of peace. White wings. White. Wings of death. Angels are just messengers, people are merely angels in disguise. What are you trying to tell me? I can feel the blood on my hands. It's pooling in my palms, only there is more than I remember and it overflows, sprawls out over the floor. It's every, crimson and dark and terrifying. And all I can do is stare at is there, knowing it's not real but unable to turn the image away.

'Make them smile.' It's almost enough…almost good…but it doesn't make it and the blood is everywhere and when I reach out it runs down my skin and across the floor and I can feel that feather light kiss on my wrist and on my lips. And the echo is almost enough…But not.

A beeping in the bedroom, voices, slightly raised, rushed breathing and I'm already moving. I know that sound. It's Heero's pager. And I know. I know what I've been trying to tell myself.

Because I've been here before. I've watched others take that hand. I've heard the angel's messengers and I know what happens when they're delivered.

"Heero!" Is that me screaming? Is that me running across the living room to the bedroom, storming past Quatre, throwing myself at you with all of hell's fury in my fist? Yes. Yes, it is.

Because I know, Heero. I know what you've done. And what I've done. And what Wufei has done.

But Duo Maxwell is dead and does not care. He just wants his six cents of revenge.

Because I know that my bomb has been triggered, and my bones are scorched, and my soul is floating.

In Anti-drift.