Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Hard Working Life of the Gundam Pilots ❯ The Trial ( Chapter 8 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

Hard Working Life of the Gundam Pilots 08 -- The Trial
By: Yasashii
Disclaimers: I know they don't belong to me, YOU know they don't belong to me. So let's call a
truce and get this fic on the road!

NOTE: Oi, minna! Sorry it took so long to finish this chapter....maybe I shoulda done this in
two parts. Ah, well. This is my longest chapter, so you people had better like it! I woked SO
hard on this, and I won't accept flames!(smoke comes out Yasa's ears until she is hit over the
head) Hmmm...too much caffeine. Hehe. I'm ooooookaaayyyyyy!(salutes all the readers out there,
somewhere.....)

Dedicated to all of those camera people out there. Your job is harder than it looks.....Duo can
verify it.
~Yasashii ;)

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08-The GW Files

Spring is in the air. The birds are singing their song as romantic couples stroll through
the park. The sky is a clear blue with those puffy clouds roaming endlessly in the atmosphere.
The screen suddenly goes black and those numbers are counting down in the middle of the screen:
5.....4.....3.....2.....beep! The screen comes into focus.................... it's a close up of
a tree. The camera jumps back and begins wandering every which way. A voice is whispering not
too far away, but the camera pays no heed.

Voice: Psst.....hey! I'm over here! This way!(growls in frustration as the camera keeps going
the opposite way)Hmm....I have a nekky picture of Heero!

The camera automatically swings toward the voice to find Hirde dressed in a men in black
suit with the sunglasses sitting atop her head. She has the Sgt.Friday expression on her face
and is wielding a microphone. Eerie X-Files music is heard playing in the background.

Hirde: (in a nerly monotone voice)Have you ever wondered about the strange, the stupid, or the
funny? Have you ever thought about the truth? Do tou really have ten toes on your feet? Is the
water in your swimming pool really water, or is it a clever method of mind control? All this and
more on.....(booming sound effects are heard)The GW Files. The first topic of discussion: Duo
Maxwell is missing. Could it be...(looks dramatically to her left and right)an alien abduction?
(a hand comes out from behind the camera and waves at the presently dtoic Hirde)

Duo: Oi, Hirde! I'm not missing, I'm the camera guy!

Hirde:(looking slightly bewildered) Oh. There you are. Anyway, next on our list: the demide of
Mr.Fluffypants. He was a pretty cat. He was a good cat.(a picture of the cat appears next to
Hirde's head) He was supposedly killed by this man. This is the only known picture on file.
(a picture of Wufei wearing a scarf around his neck and a red g-string appears. He has a lamp
shade on his head and is waving around a bottle of Jack Daniels, obviously drunk. Duo is seen in
the bottom corner of the picture, stuffing a dollar bill into Wufei's g-string.)Um...are you sure
this is the ONLY picture we have? Okayyyyyyy.... behind me is the courthouse where Wufei's fate
will be decided. Let us sit back and watch these dramatic events as they unfold.(cut to camera
facing the big oak doors of the courthouse)

A hand reaches out and pushes the doors open and a rather strange scenario is put upon us.
The room is obviously split into two sections. On the right is Sally Po's group, crying their
little hearts out for Mr.Fluffypants. Among them is Relena, Dorothy, Lunette, Quatre and Noin.
Everyone else is on Wufei's side, which is decked out in banners and people are waving little
flags and/or big foam fingers. On Sally's side, Quatre is sitting as close as he possibly can
to Trowa, who is sitting across the aisle. As they gorpe each other, the camera spots Zechs, who
is sitting directly in front of Trowa. Noin sees him from the other side and abruptly gets up to
go sit next to him. In the front of the room, Sally is sitting at a desk, organizing a huge
stack of papers. On the other side, Trieze is at ease and leans back in his chair. He tries to
ignore the noise going on behind him as he mentally prepares his opening statement. Inthe front
row behind Wufei, Eyodius and Yasashii are waving little Wufei flags and are still wearing their
"I Love Wufei!" t-shirts. Everyone sweatdrops. The silnce is cut off with the shout, "Wufei
t-shirts! Get your Wufei merchandise here! Only three dollars!" It is the vendor in the back
right corner of the room. Someone snaps their fingers for the vendor and he moves on. Suddenly,
the bailiff is seen standing in the front of the room.

Bailiff: Eveyone please rise as th jury enters the room.

Everyone stands, with the exception of Relena because she looks like one giant cast from
falling out the window. A door to the far right opens........ and nothing comes out?
Oh, wait...(the camera moves down) there they are! They are all quite short and are all wearing
white overalls and have green hair.....aw, shit. It's the Oompa Loompas! They all sneer at
Wufei and point at him while singing their song.....

Oompa Loommpas: Oompa Loompa doo-pi-ty-dee, no matter what you do, we will vote GUILTY! What do
you get when you suck up a cat? We didn't know they could look like that! Oompa loompa
doo-pi-ty doo, you will be crying when we're through with you! You will go to prison too, we're
the Oompa Loompa jury-dee-doo!

Everyone in the court room sat or stood in shock. Most people's mouthes were hanging open
in fear, while some dove under the benches is sheer horror. Trowa's panicked shout sliced
through the air........

Trowa: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! It's the evil midgets of doom! NNNNOOOOOOOO!!(runs out of the
room screaming like a maniac)

Quatre, feeling his lover's pain, left RIGHT behind him so he could comfort his poor Trowa.
Everyone stared after them........blink-blink. The bailiff was the first to recover, though he
was a little shaky on his feet.

Bailiff: Everyone please rise(they rise). Presenting Your Honor Judge Une.(Lady Une enters
wearing one of those big black robes that judges usually wear. As she climbed to her big comfy
chair, she tripped on he rrobe and fell flat on her face. She quickly got up and practically
leaped into her chair, trying to regain her composure)

Lady Une: So, what squabble must I settle today?(yawns quite loudly)

Bailiff: Po versus Chang.(looks over at Une, to see that dhe has fallen asleep) Your Honor?
(shakes her awake)

Une: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Let's hear the opening statements.(Sally steps forward)

Sally: Your Honor,(points at Wufei)that, that..... CREATURE killed my poor Mr.Fluffypants and I
intend to outlaw vaccuums and see that justice is served here today!(takes her seat)

Une:Uh-huh. What does the defense have to say?

Trieze stands and gives Lady Une a brilliant smile. Une blinks, now very awake.

Treize: Good afternoon, Your Honor. You look positively charming today.(whips out a rose and
gives it to her. Une blushes and bows her head bashfully)

Sally: Objection! What kind of fucked up opening statement was that?!

Trieze: I was merely giving the lovely judge Une a compliment. Is it wrong to be polite?

Sally: For a lawyer? You bet. Finding a polite lawyer is about as common as finding the
perfect man!

Trieze: Are you implying that I'm perfect? Why, I never knew Miss Po.

Sally: (incoherent choking sounds) You...........arrogant.........sonofabitch!!

Une: (comes back to reality) Hey!(pounds her gavel) Objection overruled. Take your seat, Sally.

Trieze: I intend to show everyone present that Wufei was not at fault here. In fact, Sally
should be grateful to him for exterminating Mr.Fluffypants.(turns to Une) Where shall we begin,
Your Honor?

Une: (gives Trieze a sultry look) Anywhere you please.(lifts an eyebrow suggestively)

Sally: He-llo!? This is supposed to be a trial, not the Dating Game! Let's get on with it!!

Une: One more outburst like that, Sally, and I'll hold you in contempt of court!(fluffs her hair)
You may proceed and call your first witness, Sally.

Sally: I call as my first witness......Wufei!(don't tell me you didn't see that one coming)

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?(holds out
the customary Bible)

Wufei: Are you calling me a liar!? (whips out his sword and cuts the Bible in half. The bailiff
pales noticeably and cowers away from the witness stand, mumbling various apologies)

Sally: Ahem. Wufei, where were you on the day of July fifteenth at approximately
three o'clock P.M.?

Wufei: Selling vacuums.

Sally: Whose house did you visit last on that day?

Wufei: Yours, but doesn't everyone already know this useless information?

Sally: (ignores him) Did you see a white fluffy cat with green eyes, Wufei?

Wufei: Yes.

Sally: Why were you staring at him? Did you contemplate killing him? Or maybe wondering how he
would taste in a kitty stew?!(slams her fist on the witness stand and glares at Wufei expectantly)

Trieze: Objection! Badgering the witness. Really, Sally, you should have gotten a proffessional
to help you.

Sally: Withdrawn. I know what I'm doing. So, did you or did you not suck up Mr.Flffypants
with a vacuum cleaner?

Wufei: I did.(gasps are heard from Sally's side while everyone began cheering on Wufei's side)

Sally: And did this said vacuum have a meat grinder installed in the hose?

Wufei: Yes.

Sally: So, by sucking up Mr.Fluffypants, he killed that which was precious to me. End of story.
Your witness.

Trize: I see.(complletely ignores the witness stand and strolls up to the bench) So, Miss Une,
just how many peronalities do you have hiding underneath that robe?

Une: (licks her lips and looks into Trieze's eyes. If only........oh, what the Hell) Recess!
(grabs Trieze by the collar and drags him into the backroom, leaving a prtesting Sally in her wake)

Yasashii: Well, that stunk.(Eyo nods in agreement as the camera pans around the room.)

As we look around the room, just about everyone is sleeping. Oddly enough, Quatre and
Trowa are nowhere to be seen. Suddenly, the camera jerks about wildly. As Duo tries to regain
control of the camera, he points it down at his foot and we see...........Fifi tugging at Duo's
leg.

Duo: It's that stupid dog again! Get it off meeeeeee!(Dr.G's reply is heard from afar...)

Dr.G: Fifi is a friendly dog, he just doesn't like you.

As Duo keeps kicking his foot about, a pair of wide violet eyes look up into the camera.
They are sweet, innocent eyes........ yeah, right.

Eyodius: Hey, Duo.... do you need help?

Duo:(babbles something about Fifi, nitro glycerin, and fire pits)

Eyo: Can I borrow the camera? Thanks!(snatches the camera from Duo and slaps a label on it: The
Bishounen Camera) This fic has gotten a little too serious, methinks. Let's call this a little
interlude from Yasa's fic, shall we?

Eyo strolls into another room and looks around. She spots a closet nearby and slaps on
another label: The Magical Bishounen Closet. She opens the closet door and finds Trowa and
Quatre in a seemingly uncomfortable position. Eyo decides to act innocent as their faces turn
red.

Eyo: There you two are! Everyone was worried sick about you! Uh, say, what were you guys doing
in here anyway?(if it was humanly possible, their faces turned redder)

Quatre: We were hiding from the Oompa Loompas.

Eyo: Really?(raises an eyebrow) For someone so scared, Quatre, you sure put your hands in the
strangest places.(they both scamper out of the closet to 'hide' somewhere else)

Eyo chuckles to herself and shuts the closet door behind her. She begins to move the
camera, and her surroundings turn from mops and brooms into various bishounen. This is nothing
special for the redhead. She IS a kuroitenshi, after all.

Eyo: Let's start with.....Rurouni Kenshin bishounen!(oohs and ahhs like a child in a candy store)
Uh, there goes Saitoh.....he's cool, um, yeah, there's Sano, ooh.....it's Kenshin! Hi Kenshin!!

Kenshin: Oro? Oh, hi.(he has become very accustomed to this unexpected turn of events thing)

Eyo: Moving on.....it's Yu Yu Hakusho! Pretty...(I remind you of that candy store..) Oops. I
don't think I can show you people too much Hiei and Kurama, it would ruin the rating. Let's see..
.. ah, Flame of Recca! Hey, Recca! And there's Raiha and Mikagami...(Pounding on the door is
heard)

Yasashii: I heard that! Hey, why's the door locked?(huffs and puffs like the big bad wolf)
Eyodius Belladonna, let me in right now!! I want my Mi-chan!(Mikagami has a confused look on his
face, which looks oh-so adorable!)

The bailiff is heard from the front of the room again. Yes, this means that the trial will
continue momentarily. The closet door opens and Eyo exits, leaving a puddle of drool behind.
Yasashii sneaks a peek at her favorite bishounen and a janitor is soon in need to clean up all
the drool left behind by the two girls.

Anyway, when we left off at the trial itself, Trieze was going to cross examine th witness.

Trieze: So, Wufei, you killed a cat with a vaccuum.

Wufei: Yep.

Trieze: Why?

Wufei: It was evil.

Trieze: And how would you know if it was evil or not?

Wufei: My vaccuum told me it was evil, so I took care of it.

Trieze: Is there anything evil in this room?

Wufei: Possibly.

Trieze: Demonstrate how you find evil with that vaccuum of yours.

And so,ocalhout further ado, Wufei put together his famous justice vaccuum. Upon closer
inspection, we see that there is a little itty bitty light on the hose. Wufei began to sweep the
room with it, sort of how you would operate a metal detector. He moved to his right, and the
vaccuum began to emit little beeping sounds. It got stronger and more rapidly paced when he
moved forward.....oops, too far. Back, to the right a little more, oops....to the left, back
some more... BEEEEEP!!! Aha! The evil being pointed out is..... Relena. Figures. Since the
vaccuum can't digest a full body cast, Wufei moves on. Back towards the front of the room, off
to the left...... BEEEEEEP!!! It's pointing at.... the Oompa Loompas! Ha! We all knew they
were evil! Wufei points the vaccuum at the closest Oompa Loompa and began to suck it up. We
hear screaming and various pops and cracks coming from what we assume is the meat grinder.
Yasashii and Eyo are seen sitting with small bowls of popcorn in their laps and both are wearing
3D glasses.

Eyo and Yasa:(ooh-ing and ahh-ing like they're watching a fireworks display)

Yasashii: Hey, Eyo? Is the vaccuum supposed to have bulges like that?

Eyo:(munching on her popcorn) Yup.

As soon as Wufei's demonstration was finished, Trieze began one of those
"I'm-gonna-save-my-client's-ass" speeches:

Trieze: As you all can see, Wufei was never acting out of spite or vengeance against Sally. He
only did what he thought would be best for the relative safety of everyone around him. It isn't
so much that he killed Mr.Fluffypants, but he freed Sally from a danger that she herself didn't
know existed. This demonstration obviously proves that the vaccuum is indeed an evil detector.
We can only assume that Sally's cat was evil based upon that fact.

Yasashii: Hey, wasn't this speech on Ally McBeal?

Une: Ahem. Do you have anything to add, Sally?

Sally:(indignantly) Yes! Can't you all see this conspiracy that's been laid before you!? It's
downright insane! An evil detector, he says. Evil, my ass! Mr.Fluffypants was the prettiest,
sweetest cat that ever lived!(falls to her knees dramatically)

Une:(sweatdrops) Yeah. Sure. The jury will now decide the verdict. Remember, the vote has to
be unanimous.(the Oompa Loompas file out of the room and file right back in again after being
gone for five seconds) Oh, back so soon?(the leader gives Une the verdict paper) Guilty.(spots
Trieze giving her puppy eyes) Oh, what the Hell. I'm overruling it.(tears up paper) Not
guilty. This case is dismissed.(pounds gavel and leaves arm in arm with Trieze)

The camera then begins to move backward until we are back outside in the park. Yasashii
and Eyo are sitting on a grassy hill playing thumb war when Duo and Heero run up to them.

Duo: Hey, guys. Wanna see something cool?

Eyo: Sure.(Duo produces a small detonator and pushes the button. Of course, nothing happens)

Duo: God dammit! Why doesn't it work!?(repeatedly pushes button)

Heero: (reaching from behind Duo) Here, let me see it.(fiddles with detonator with his arms still
around Duo(kawaii!)) Duo, I think you forgot to turn the thing on.

Duo: Oh, oops.(flips a switch and presses the button)

KABOOM!!! The court house blows up in a spectacular blinding light show. All present
shadow their eyes with their hands.

Eyo:...................COOL!!

They all sit and enjoy the show until something occurs to Yasashii.

Yasashii: Hey, what happened to the Oompa Loompas?(Duo surpresses a snicker) Duo....?

Eyo: Either that's an Oompa Loompa.... or a very mutilated teddy bear.(points to the water
fountain where the remains of an Oompa Loompa are floating)

Yasashii: Eeew. There's another one......and another. They're practically raining on us!

Duo: Guess they didn't leave the blast radius in time. Oh, well. All's well that ends well.
(screen goes black and focuses in again on Hirde)

Hirde: This conludes our broadcast of The GW Files. Hirde signing off.(cheesy special effects
are displayed as Hirde disappears, a la Star Trek)



End.....(AHHHH! Look down!)









The camera turns around, revealing(not Duo), but a little green person with pointy ears and
big black eyes. It wears a silver space suit.

Alien: Don't take me to your leader. He's probably even more crazy than these people. And you
wonder why you think you're alone in the universe?!(it beams up as well, and the camera
harmlessly drops to the ground.)



Okay, now it's the end.

Well, not quite yet. I still need to wrap up the whole kit n' kaboodle with an epilogue.
Don't ask how the alien got there, cause I know less than you at the moment. Ja!
~Yasashii ;)