Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Hurting Arc ❯ The Memories of Pain ( Chapter 4 )

Rating: Strong PG-13, violence and langue

I slammed into something that felt vaguely human. I couldn't tell with the tears in my eyes. I landed on my ass then I saw and more importantly, I felt nothing…

I didn't know how long I was out and I didn't care, the pain was all consuming. My first coherent thought was that Relena was right.

*You know you are only a phase for him,..*

/Never made it as a wise man

I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealin'

Tired of livin' like a blind man

I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling/

I couldn't get her out of my head. All her snide yet true words haunted me.

*What ever made you think you were good enough for him?*

/This is how you remind me

This is how you remind me of what I really am/

I screamed, all the frustration, rage and pain, spilling forth, ripped from my throat. I barely felt the release the expression of emotion should have afforded me. What it did do was summon Wufei.

/It's not like you to say sorry, I was waiting on a different story

This time I'm mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking/

"Duo! You are awake, what happened? Are you alright?" I concentrated on Wufei, to hold back the images and sounds of Relena and Heero.

"No, I'm not ok, Wufei. I wasn't good enough," Was my only response to his inquiry.

I turned away from him, I didn't want him seeing the tears, my weakness, for Yuy.

Echoes of the past sounded and bounced of the walls of my mind.

*You are nothing but Trash, he won't stay with you for long*

/I've been wrong, I've been down, been to the bottom of every bottle

These five words in my head scream "are we havin' fun yet?"/

The tears slid down my cheeks as Wufei tried to get me to talk to him. He was lucky when he got any reaction from me and that was only a cringe when he would mention Heero or Relena. I spent the second longest hour of my life drowning in my tears and the horrible memories.

I spent days like this. They all blurred together so I don't know how many passed in this way. After the first several, Wufei called in the guys.

/It's not like you didn't know that

I said I love you and I swear I still do

And it must have been so bad

Cause livin' with me must have damn near killed you/

Heero didn't show up. I didn't know how I should react to that. The three there did try different things to help me return to myself. Most of it didn't work, though I would be grateful for their help in the future.

Quatre, as well as talking to me, would drag me all over creation with him. Often to places I used o love. Places that I loved because of Heero, it hurt to go to so many of them.

Wufei was lucky when I didn't shut him out completely. He might have gotten a cryptic response like, "I wasn't what he needed." Wufei became the most talkative person I knew. I understood why, but I found it easy to tune him out when couldn't handle his questions or subject matter. Though he did open me up a bit that way, he got more information then Quatre ever would from me.

Wufei became my best friend in the weeks after I woke up. I knew Heero and Quatre talked to some extent and Wufei promised me that what ever I said to him wouldn't make it back to Heero via him. Quatre, for all his well meaning, would have tried to fix everything and I just didn't think it could be fixed, not now not ever. As time went by though he did get more details, but thanks to one Heero Yuy, I would never confide all in Wufei.

Trowa was different from the other two. While they tried to pull me from my shell, he just would sit with me and read aloud, or watch TV with me. He didn't have much to say but I found myself asking him to read as he had a soothing voice that did a lot to calm me after having to deal with Quatre or Wufei for prolonged periods of time. When I started willingly leaving the room, he would walk with me. He didn't ask questions or push for answers, when he did.

In their own way, each dragged up memories I had blocked and buried deep in my mind.

//This is how you remind me of what I really am

This is how you remind me of what I really am//

Wufei brought back Relena and her snide, painfully true comments more then anyone else, though they all triggered those too. On a day when I tried to ignore Wufei altogether, he brought up Relena, the first time in a while he had done so. In my head, I slipped away from him, deep into that day in chemistry class…

/It's not like you to say sorry, I was waiting on a different story/

@@**FLASHBACK**@@

I sat at my desk, quietly waiting fro the teacher to show up for class. I loved chemistry. I loved the formulas, the compounds, the different things that make the world go round, figuratively speaking. I loved the math that was involved, I'm not as dumb as I sometimes seem.

I, for the most part, was a quiet student. Unfortunately, I was a known prankster outside of class so whenever someone pulled a prank I was the one blamed, whether I did it or not. I spent more time in the principle's office then in class for some of my subjects.

Anyway, I looked up as the teacher entered the room, followed by Relena Peacecraft. I didn't hate her, per se, but we definitely didn't get along. I had her in a few other classes as well but this was going to be the only one with out any of the guys in the same class. This was also the only class I didn't have with any of the others. She smirked at me in a way that made me wish I could just disappear, not that any one could tell by my face or body language.

The teacher sent her to the seat next to mine, so not good. And it started as soon as the teacher turned his back on the students to begin the lecture. She would fling paper balls at me, and notes too. Most of those told me what trash I was and so on. I could ignore her for the most part. Then she started writing on the outside of the papers so I had to see it somehow. She wrote how much Heero loved her and that I was just a phase. I scoffed at that one, as if being gay was just a phase, my ass.

When she couldn't get a reaction with those, she started in on my mother. Just because I didn't know who my mother was, didn't mean that I didn't love her. I almost did slug her for that one, and it got me sent to the principle's office. For weeks it was the same, except for the visit to the principle.

I learned to completely tune her out by the end of the first week. Or so I thought. I had no proof Heero loved her and was secure in the knowledge that he loved me.

I began to hate chemistry after several weeks of the bullshit, and my teacher never did believe me when I told him what was going on. She always managed to clean up all the notes before he could catch her. I probably should have told the guys I had her in a class with out them, but I thought I could handle it. I was so wrong.

@@@***END FLASHBACK***@@@

That was what Wufei's poking and prodding brought back at first. The memories of my favorite class turned hated. It reminded me that she was right and I was so wrong.

Trowa unleashed something else. With his quiet grace, he reminded me of times I would laugh, times that had everything and yet nothing to do with Heero. Unfortunately for every one of those times, which already saddened me, two or three of Relena's truths would spring to mind, making him a blessing and a curse in ways different from Quatre and Wufei.

*What do you think you are doing, you bastard. Street trash like you doesn't deserve a guy like my Heero. Why don't you just give up? He's mine and he loves me…*

Quatre was the worst. He dragged up the kiss, the world shattering revelation. The thing that made me realize that Relena was right and broke my heart in the worst way.

It hit me on a particularly bad day. Quatre had managed to drag me shopping with him. I had been leaving my new room more and more so I figured I could survive a shopping trip, I had even started going back to class, but I had dropped Chemistry. I couldn't take the pain that class now held. I was slowly returning to my normal self, but there were a few things that would remain ever changed.

I think I would have been fine if Quatre hadn't gone past Heero's dorm, past the front entrance where I saw them, on our way for some food after shopping.

/This time I'm mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking

I've been wrong, I've been down, been to the bottom of every bottle

These five words in my head scream "are we havin' fun yet?"/

I asked him to just drop me off at my dorm building. I had finally gotten a new room and didn't have to share with Wufei anymore. I think he might have been a bit happy for that. He wouldn't be woken up by my dreams, no not dreams, nightmares, anymore. It gave me time to myself, which I felt I needed. He stopped and let me out, asking if everything was ok. I brushed him off as I slid out of his car. I didn't look back as I headed into my building.

My room was one of the last on the third floor, just a few doors down from the bathroom. I unlocked and flung open my door, slamming it shut as I walked in. I flopped myself down on my bed. I was exhausted, even without the memories' negative energy sapping me. I didn't have the boundless energy I used to and I think it was due to the depression I had let myself slide into. I decided to curl up on my bed and nap. I dropped of quickly to sleep…

***@@@DREAM@@@***

I had crept around the corner from behind our dorm building. The Gundam pilots were to show up for a meeting at 1400 in front of the building that housed the most pilots. That was our building as Heero and I were roommates and lovers and the only two pilots in the same building. I had plan on trying to sneak up on him and glomp him, as I had to do once a day at least, I loved him so much. And besides, if I couldn't sneak up on him, I would still surprise him by being a bit early, as I was perpetually late.

I stopped dead in my tracks when I noticed him talking to stalker girl. I was a bit cautious as she had been taunting me for weeks now. I really didn't believe her but I was still slightly worried. I mentally shook myself. It means nothing. I didn't believe all the shit she has been saying bout them being a couple. It just couldn't be true. They were only talking.

/Never made it as a wise man/

I started to creep forward again, a huge grin on my face. I had a plan now. I would show her Heero and I loved each other and we were lovers.

/I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealin'/

That was when she launched herself into his arms and he caught her! He actually wrapped his arms around her and held her! She looked up at him then KISSED him, and he did nothing to push her away as he usually did.

/This is how you remind me

This is how you remind me of what I really am/

My voice froze in my throat as my mind shouted NO,no,no,no! This scene couldn't be true, he didn't just do that. NO!

I ran like hell, back to our room to pack.

***@@@END DREAM@@@***

/It's not like you to say sorry,

I was waiting on a different story/

Song lyrics: How You Remind Me by Nickelback