Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Meaning of Alone ❯ Chapter Five ( Chapter 5 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Title: The Meaning of Alone : Chapter 5

Author: Datiye Arisu

Warnings: See chapter one

Discalimer: So not mine. I wish they were. God I wish they were…

Archived: MediaMiner.org, Datiye's Domain (www.geocities.com/datiye_arisu/datiyes_domain.html)

Authors Notes: See bottom

*Heero's POV*

It had been a week since Duo had kissed him. And it had been a week since Duo had spoken to him. If he asked Duo a question he would only get a yes or no response from him. That's all. If the question required a more complex answer he go nothing. Duo became even more closed off to the others than before.

Heero had begun to notice the signs of depression but really had no idea what to do about it. How could he possible help Duo if the other boy wouldn't even talk to him? It was more than frustrating to him and it was beginning to show. He rarely left the house, always opting to be the one to watch over Duo. He spent many hours in the silent bedroom just so the other boy wouldn't be alone. Even when he wasn't inside the room with Duo he wasn't far and he always kept an eye on the door.

He knew it was his fault that Duo had taken his downward slide, that he had reacted badly to Duo's advances, but he just couldn't go down that road right now. He could not take back his actions so he felt it would be counterproductive to think on it anymore than that. The best possible thing to do would be to behave as if nothing had happened and to keep a watchful eye on Duo. If Duo displayed any self-destructive behavior then he would watch and try to make the boy as comfortable as possible. It was all that he could do. Right?

*Duo's POV*

Duo let out a sigh of relief when Heero left the room. It was just too stressful being in the same room as him. He could tell that Heero was trying to act like nothing happened but watching him like a hawk twenty four hours a day was not acting like nothing happened. It was obvious that something had happened, he just seemed worried about how Duo would react to it. He's probably looking out for signs that I'll shoot him again. Just great. Duo walked over to the bedroom door and shut it. He pulled his duffle bag out from under the bed and unzipped it. He rummaged through it's contents for awhile until he pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniels that was about an eighth full. He sat back on the bad, unscrewed the cap on the bottle, and took a long swig of the whiskey, savoring the residual warmth of it burning it's way down. Thank god Quatre always grabs all of the bags when we leave a house. I have to remember to thank him later.

He closed his eyes and took another shot. He heard the door open and lazily looked over to see Heero entering the room. He didn't even try to hide the bottle. He already did one bad thing, what was one more?

Heero closed the door behind him and dropped some paperwork onto his neatly made bed. He looked over to Duo and noticed the almost empty body in his hand. "Drinking?"

Duo nodded. "A little."

"How much have you had?"

Duo looked at his bottle studying the amber liquid inside. "About two shots. There's only one more kinda big one left so you don't have to worry about me drinking too much this time."

The room was silent for a moment before Heero spoke. "Do you want more?"

Duo looked up at Heero skeptically. "I thought you didn't like me drinking."

Heero sat next to Duo. "I don't like you drinking at bars. And I don't like you drinking excessively. It is very dangerous and many things can happen to you out there. In here there is no one who will harm you. Only people who want to protect you. I think it is a safe enough environment where you can be allowed this small… comfort."

Duo retained the confused expression on his face. "Thank you Heero. That's really nice of you"

Heero looked away. "You do know that I am not angry with you, don't you Duo?"

"Y-your not?"

Heero smiled a little. "No. I'm not." He looked at the clock on the wall. " I have to go before the store closes. We will talk more when I get back. Promise." He waited for Duo to nod his head in response and then left for the store.

Duo looked at the bottle in his hand for a moment then quickly swallowed all the alcohol that was left in the bottle. We'll talk when he gets back…

*Heero's POV*

When Heero got back from the store he avoided questions from the others much like he always did. He simply ignored them, walked into the bedroom and shut the door. When he turned around to face into the room he saw sitting on his bed was Duo. He was reading the paperwork that Heero had left there earlier. They were the reports that he had to send to Dr. J regarding his and Duo's condition. He had lied about how the incident in the alley occurred in the report. It was different story than he had told Quatre and Sally but he didn't think they would be comparing notes with each other so he saw no danger in it. He wrote in the report that he and Duo had gone to buy supplies for the safe house and two strange men appeared and shot Heero, so then Duo took the gun and shot both of the men, but not before sustaining some damage himself. Duo looked up at him when he entered the room. "You lied in your report."

Heero gave Duo the new bottle of Jack. Then he gathered the papers and put them neatly on the nightstand. "I had to."

Duo took the bottle and broke open the plastic seal. "Why? I have never know you to lie in a report. Why now?"

Heero produced two new shot glasses from the bag he had carried the whiskey in. He took the bottle from Duo, opened it, and poured each of them a shot. "You know what Dr. J would have me do if he found out what really happened. It is not an issue anymore so I see no need to inform him. It would only complicate things." He sat next to Duo and knocked back his shot. Duo did the same.

Duo smiled a little. "I think a few moths ago you would have reported me with pleasure."

Heero said, "I would have reported you but I would not have found pleasure in it. I do not find pleasure in anything. Although this comes close."

Duo looked at Heero for awhile then he shifted his gaze and seemed to shake some thought out of his mind. He poured out two more shots and raised his glass. Heero lifted his as well. Duo said, "To small pleasures," They quickly took their shots. Duo said, "You said before that we would talk. Was there anything in particular that you wanted to talk about?"

Heero tried to make eye contact with Duo, who allowed it. "I wanted to apologize for my behavior the other night. I reacted badly. I did not expect you to… do that."

Duo moved closer. "Well, what if I warned you first?"

Heero closed his eyes and pushed Duo away. "I'm sorry Duo. We can't"

Duo backed away. He looked hurt. "Oh. I understand. That's okay. I was stupid to think-"

Heero grabbed Duo's before he backed himself into the wall. "You are not stupid. There are valid reasons that have nothing to do with you."

Duo stilled. "Like what?"

Heero sat back down on the bed and pulled Duo down next to him. "Do you know how someone makes a perfect soldier, Duo?" Duo shook his head. "I will explain to you. First, they completely isolate the subject, keeping them from all normal human contact. Then they subject them to horrible violations of their mind and body. The subject experiences great trauma and humiliation. This is done to break down the moral codes that every human beings have, the natural mental separation between what is right and wrong. They desensitize the subject, stripping them of all emotion and empathy for others. Then they can begin training the subject to kill quickly and efficiently. But there is a flaw in this method. The mind cannot suppress ones emotions forever. Eventually, they will rise to the surface. When they do the consequences can be disastrous. Many things can happen.

"One scenario is that the subject, upon regaining their feelings, will feel an enormous guilt as they fully realize what they have done and how many people they have killed. They will go into shock, helpless to defend themselves against anything around them. They will not eat, drink or do anything of their own power. They soft of fade away or go completely insane.

"Another scenario is that when the subjects feelings surface they will do everything in their power to keep them inside, ignore them. They may go as far as to eliminate the thing, whatever it may be, that is causing the emotion, blaming whatever it is for the they that they feel, hoping to stop it. Or if that option proves to be impossible they will eliminate themselves.

"The last scenario I will tell you about is the one that is often the making of a serial killer or mass murderer. When the subject regains their feelings they may favor the stronger variety like anger, lust, or pain. Them may even blend them together into a sick fantasy. They will try to manifest these emotions into other people. The subject is likely to beat, rape and even kill numerous people just to feel the rush, the few moments of intense feelings. They will take pleasure in it. They develop a bloodlust, in some cases one they can't satisfy. Upon realizing that they will never be completely satisfied, that each horrific act does less and less to quench their thirst, the subject will feel an irrational anger towards everyone because they cannot satisfy them. The subject may formulate an elaborate plan to kill themselves and take down as many others with them as possible.

"You know that when I spoke of the training that I was speaking from personal experience. I want this to help you to understand why I cannot… If any of those things were to happen…" Heero closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to think of what to say next. He opened his eyes again, looked at Duo and said, "I have made it a personal mission to protect you. I cannot allow myself to endanger that mission. I will not put you in danger. Does any of that make sense?"

Duo stared at Heero. "Who told you all of that? Was it Dr. J?"

Heero shook his head. " I constructed the scenarios based on research I have done on my training methods. Most of it was the files of military personnel who had been trained in the same way."

"So things like that have happened? Because of that training?"

"Yes."

Dou took a deep breath. "And you are trying to protect me by not feeling."

Heero nodded. "That is correct."

Duo poured out anther shot for himself and drank it. "Then I understand."

Heero offered a small smile. "Thank you."

TBC

Notes:

I hope you guys liked that chapter. I'm trying to move towards more 1x2 action here. Next chapter should be more development on that front. And just to get it cleared up before someone mentions it, I know that at the beginning of=f the chapter I said Duo was not talking but for all people who haven't drank Jack before, two shots back to back is really good for loosening the tongue. It will be used in future chapters for the same purpose. Right now I don't have any other chapters written but I am working on it. It's getting a little more complicated. Plus, I'm doing a lot more work on my website. BTW, if anyone has any fics (GW, BTVS, POTC, LOTR, original, etc.) please E-Mail me. I will be posting works by other authors. Also, please review.