Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Night Of The Forbidden Laws ❯ The Day Of Sorrowful Realisations ( Chapter 2 )

I want to thank everyone who has reviewed so far.

Crazy-lil-nae-nae: Thankyou for your praise of this story, and my other works. Your stories have so much emotional insight, and such beautiful complexity, it is an honour to be praised by you.

TrigunChic: I know that feeling well. The anticipation for the next rush of emotions is a tedious thing, and I am glad to know you do not cut. If you continue to have these feelings, please do me a favour, and go see a doctor. This is how I started out, with just the feeling, and then I discovered cutting and it took a hold of me pretty quick. Thankyou so much for reading this.

Magdalia: It's nice to know that people from other countries are actively looking at this. Unfortunately the events in my story happen so damn often that there isn't enough help for the people that really need it. I know you cut, and I hope that you have someone with you to supervise you. It doesn't matter if your English isn't good. To me, you have a fine grip on the language.

Deathscythe Duo: Thanks for reading. And this is my update. So, I guess, all your wishes have come true…heh… Thankyou for saying I write well. I try, and that's all that matters. Thankyou for caring enough to write a review.

The same disclaimers as before, and with the same warnings as well. If you cut, or are severely depressed and haven't told anyone, please seek help immediately. At least talk to friends or family bout it, so you will not feel so alone. That was the worst feeling when I was secretly cutting, the feeling that I was alone in the world, and that made my depression worse.

The song featured in this story is The Unnamed Feeling, by Metallica, from their latest album. The rest of their works can be found at www.metallica.com

Thankyou.

The Day of Sorrowful Realisations.

Been here before

Been here couldn't say I liked it

Do I start writing all this down?

Just let me plug you into my world

Can't you help me be uncrazy?

Name this for me, heat the cold air

Take this chill off of my life

And if I could I'd turn my eyes

To look inside to see what's comin'

…;;;((Heero's Point Of View));;;…

His breathing slowed as he fell asleep, even as Sally was starting to bandage the marks on his arm that must have hurt. I sighed as I felt him tense slightly as I tried to pull my hand out of his to let him rest, feeling awkward for perhaps the first time in years. He looked so fragile asleep, a totally different personality from the Duo Maxwell I had eventually come to like and to respect, that I felt like I was comforting a stranger, a stranger that I knew as intimately as a lover.

Hurting.

He still looked beautiful even while so pale, and I pondered for a moment in the words he had confessed to me in the kitchen. The look in his eyes had been one of truth, and a desperate one at that. I had had…feelings….toward him for quite some time, and I knew that he didn't know that I cared deeply about him. I loved the way he could make me laugh, even though it was silently inside and the honour and bravery he had in battle. He was beautiful too; Brown hair glinting with shimmers like the moons glow, skin like frost, and violet eyes that one could drown in if given half a chance. I had thought originally that I was experiencing a sort of Roman lust for him, as a fellow soldier, but I was afraid to find that I felt this way towards him even while out of combat. It wasn't possible to feel such an emotion for another guy, was it?

My heart, it hurts.

I had no idea that he could do something like this until I saw the blood on the table at breakfast. When I had looked him in the eye and saw the horror that he had been found I felt sudden soul freezing fear that I would lose him, if only for a second before my anger exploded, that I hadn't known he was in such pain. He must have thought that the anger had been directed at him, I realised suddenly, and felt ashamed that I had hurt him unintentionally. I sighed again, a bit louder this time that drew the attention of everyone in the room. I didn't know why they were staring at me until I could feel moisture running down my cheeks. Was I sweating? It wasn't hot in this room, and I hadn't been doing anything exerting, so the source of it was a mystery to me until I made a small whimpering sound and realised I had been crying silently.

It hurts so much.

I turned to look at Duo again, marvelling at how small and thin he appeared asleep. Normally he seemed larger than me, with all his emotions making up for his lack of size, and I often felt dwarfed by the magnitude of his passion for things. I wondered why I had never let him know this, and cursed myself bitterly as I put his delicate hand in my own rough ones. I looked at our hands linked together and felt sudden irrational fear that this was a dream and I would wake up unable to feel again. He had taught me my emotions all over again, and I felt that if I lost him, if this wasn't real, then I wasn't real too. I gripped his hands too hard as I bowed my head with the feeling of helplessness flooding me, and I felt him squeeze back even while he was asleep. I felt relieved, and let go of him to awaken a feeling of a different kind of awkwardness. I grabbed his hand again.

I think its breaking.

"Are you alright Heero?" Sally asked, and I looked up to stare at her blankly for a second before I lost control and felt my emotions stagger across my face. I composed myself quickly, before stating, "I don't know what to feel anymore. I should be angry at him for this, right? Not…scared?" I hated to admit any kind of weakness, but the events that had unfolded from the instant I had saw that crimson splash on the surface of the table had unhinged me for the time being. She looked at me sadly, reaching across him to place a hand on my own, and I was unaware that I had begun to tremble slightly as I looked down on his calm visage, remnants of pain still visible in his slightly drawn mouth. "It's ok to feel like this you know, it isn't a crime."

I'm falling apart.

"It is" I said calmly, still not looking at anyone but him as I began to stroke his hand slightly. "I am not allowed to feel, it is not in my mission agenda. Fear is a survival instinct, so why do I feel like I can't survive if he dies? It is possible to live without the aid of anyone, but for some unknown factor, if he dies than I am not real. If I am not real, then everything in my life is a lie. I…I…cant…l-let h-him know this. I c-can't." I felt more tears slide gently down my cheeks, but I ignored them so I could continue to watch his chest rise and fall. I was afraid to not stare at him; he could die without me making sure he was alive.

Why did you do this?

"W-why do I f-feel like I'm d-dying inside? The coldness was h-heaven compared t-to this p-pain. I-if he d-doesn't wake up, w-what am I going t-to do?" I felt myself clench everything as a number of silent sobs racked my body, and I think nobody dared to touch me as if I would explode into anger and lose all my reason. There was no chance of that happening; I had lost all my reason when I had finished sewing Duos cuts. Everything that was stable in my life had been thrown out the window. It's like discovering the sun rising at night; it was strange and disturbing.

Do I…do I hurt you that much?

Quatre suddenly launched himself at me, hugging me as he began to cry himself. I froze and tensed, before something in the bottom of my heart told me I could relax, I needed to feel this. I sagged in his grip, even as I held onto Duos lovely creamy hand, shaking silently with an emotion that felt too large for me to deal with. I didn't shut my eyes once, letting these tears, such a new thing to me, pool silently in my aching eyes to fall as if in enchantment on our hands twined together like lost threads.

***

I'm frantic in your soothing arms

I can not sleep in this down filled world

I've found safety in this loneliness

But I can not stand it anymore

Cross my heart hope not to die

Swallow evil, ride the sky

Lose myself in a crowded room

You fool, you fool, it will be here soon

It comes alive

And I die a little more

It comes alive

Each moment here I die a little more

"I think the worst thing is I understand somewhat of what he's going through" I said quietly after I had finished shaking. Quatre had disengaged himself to cry silently on the end of the bed, Trowa trying in vain to comfort the sensitive blonde. Sally looked at me sharply, her lips already forming a question. I shook my head sharply, saying "I don't…hurt myself…like this, but the suicide. I can understand that." Everyone looked at me in confusion, and I ran my free hand nervously through my hair. I was not used to this scrutiny, and I was afraid of what their reactions would be to my news. "I have no other purpose but to kill, over and over again. When the war ends, if I don't die during it, what am I going to do? I was planning to kill myself with the least amount of fuss as possible. This is all I am good for. He keeps me going though. If I had known he was in this much pain I would have told him sooner…"

Why didn't I tell you?!

Sally stood up abruptly, jarring me out of my reverie as she grabbed my arm angrily and whispered in a fierce tone of voice, "You are not just made for war Heero, nobody is, however much they have been conditioned to. I now see how you feel about him, and he will need all of your support to get through this, if your feelings are genuine." I shook her off angrily, glaring at her as I said coldly, "Of course they are genuine. I would not lie about a thing as important as this." I stalked to the other side of the room, to peer through the window, enjoying briefly the feel of the sun on my skin before it faded back into the pool of my small feelings. I sighed heavily, watching as the sun hid its gentle light behind coming storm clouds that were already flickering with hints of lightning. I rested my head against the glass and whispered softly, "I love him. And it's my fault he's like this"

All my fault….

***

Then the unnamed feeling

It comes alive

Then the unnamed feeling

Treats me this way

And I wait for this train

Toes over the line

And then the unnamed Feeling

Takes me away

I cannot sleep with a head like this

I wanna cry, I wanna scream

I rage, I glaze, I hurt, I hate

I wanna hate it all away

Then the unnamed feeling

It comes alive

Then the unnamed feeling

Takes me away

I suddenly leaped towards the bed, graceful enough so I didn't twist or break my ankles as I landed next to it with a thud, pulling the gun from beneath my pillow in one smooth motion and cocking it to my temple. I stared at Duo as I breathed heavily though silently, thinking that I couldn't bear to do this to him, to make him hurt. I was the uncaring bastard, the one with the retarded emotions, and it only served to cause him more anguish. I still had a grip on my gun as I slipped down to sit cross-legged next to the sleeping form of Duo, this time resting it under my chin so my arm would not get tired. I turned to look at the others, fear and concern flitting across their faces like fireflies dancing in the dark, and I laughed harshly before saying, "I'm not taking any of you down with me. I just want to say goodbye to him. In my own way." I ran my free hand tenderly down his arm, the uninjured one. He stirred and opened his eyes, and only my quick reflexes stopped him from seeing the gun as I shifted my arm to make it point at the jugular vein in my neck.

I.

"Heero?" he whispered, his voice still scratchy with emotion from earlier. I smiled, shocking him a little I think, before whispering back, "It's ok, it's only me." He smiled, a genuine one, and said with a little more life in his voice, "I thought you wouldn't remember that. I was hoping, anyway…" I chuckled lightly at this, which made him look at me in concern. I don't think I had ever laughed before in his presence. "I suppose you're wondering why I woke you up?" I asked, and he nodded in some confusion. I sighed heavily, feeling the lump trying to rise in my throat again. "I had to say good-bye." He sat up suddenly at this, looking at me with a mixture of shame and fear. "This isn't because of what I did, is it?" he asked, and I smiled and shook my head. I could lie to him at least, so he wouldn't feel any…well, guilt, when I was done with all this. "Are you going on a mission?"

I…love?

"You could call it that, I suppose." At this Trowa leapt at me with a hiss, and only Wufei and Quatre grabbing him made him stop a few feet from me. I smiled at him, which only served to make him struggle furiously against the guys who restrained him more in his effort to get to me. "What the hell is going on?" Duo demanded, sounding very much like his old self. "Sally? What happened?" Sally, however, was staring at me with the widest eyes I had ever seen on her, her mouth covered by her hand. "Please Heero; think about this, you don't need to do this..." "Yes, I do", I replied calmly, disengaging the safety on it and sliding it into a more comfortable position. Duo heard the sound and looked at me in shock, and I hated the pain that I was causing him once again. Trying not to cause him any was the object of all of this, and yet here I was deliberately hurting him again. I smiled wryly at him, saying with a tremor in my voice, "See? I can't even do this right."

I love…him?

"Do what right, what the hell are you talking about?" he said angrily, and I shifted the gun again so he could see what I was doing. It was selfish, and I know that, but I wanted him to leave so I didn't have to do this in front of him. It didn't work, as I saw his mouth set in that mulish line that I hated, yet I loved, and I growled irritably, muttering, "Leave Duo. I know you can walk now." He glared at me angrily, and I winced, my conscience wailing that this was wrong, so very wrong. "Duo, goddamn it!" I cried, my voice turning into a sob on the last word.

I love you.

"Do me first" he said softly, his hand resting on my knee as he looked me in the eye, his brimming with tears and hurt and pain and a strange kind of expectation. I shook my head in furious denial at this suggestion, pulling away from his touch as if it burned me. The tears came again and didn't stop, making me feel weak and strong, weak that I was crying and strong that I could do it at all. "I'm doing this because I know I hurt you" I whispered fiercely, not daring to look at him anymore.

I love all that you are.

"You're hurting me more by doing this Heero" he said quietly to me, and I almost pulled the trigger just at the accusation in his otherwise dull tone. I gulped convulsively and shut my eyes, turning to face the window so I could feel the filtered sunlight on my face that had been warming my back previously. I drew in a deep breath and squeezed my eyes shut, and was about to pull the trigger when I felt incredible soft lips cover my own in a hesitant kiss. I pulled back and opened my eyes in shock, to find myself staring into warm liquid amethysts masquerading as eyes. "What are you doing?" I croaked, as more tears started to slide down my already water stained face. He smiled, albeit trembly, and said, "I need you too much to let you go" he said softly, and I laughed a little at the words he was, because I had said them myself not 45 minutes ago.

And all that you could be.

He grinned with me, and slowly pulled the gun out of my hands. I let it go reluctantly, and when it was gone he wrapped his arms around me in the first hug I had had in years, with the exception of Quatre's clinging earlier. I stiffened up, but then grabbed him back needily, feeling his heart as it beat in sync with my own in a mad kind of nervous dance. I let all my control go and sobbed quietly into his shoulder, hoping that no one would use this against me later. I guess I was still as paranoid as I have always been, even when I was open. Damn J for making me like this.

I love you.

"Heero, it's ok, let it all go" I hear him whisper in my ear as he hugged me until my ribs protested. I started to wail, a thing I would never expect myself to do now or in the near future, the far future, never even imagined I could lose control like this in a million years. And it hurt. So goddamn much it made me want to scream at the injustice of it. But I could feel its gentle healing already soothing my tortured psyche. Everyone was crying quietly now, even Sally, but I didn't notice this. I only saw Duo, being strong for me, when I wanted to be the one being strong for him. I guess we were strong for each other then.

And I never want to let you go.

I felt my true emotions for the first time in years on that stormy lightning filled morning. And I embraced all that was me, and hugged it selfishly to myself, not willing to ever let it go. Except maybe to give a piece of my heart to another hurting soul.

"I love you Duo."

"I love you too Hee-chan."

Then the unnamed feeling

It comes alive

Then the unnamed feeling

Takes me away

***

And there is another chapter. I will be willing to discuss the exact events that happened to me, in detail, for those squeamish enough to ask for it. Dave will write too, so that you have an idea of what we both went through. So I guess, for us, it's a kind of therapy, while we also spread awareness of depression and its sufferers.

I want to thank everyone for giving me the courage to write this, my family, my friends, and Dave, who I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him. And to the reviewers of past and the reviewers to come.

Thankyou everyone.

Love Melissa.