Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Night Of The Forbidden Laws ❯ The Night Of The Forbidden Laws ( Chapter 1 )

I put my trust in you

Pushed as far as I can go

And for all this

There's only one thing you should know…

When I awoke I immediately felt my gaze drift to Heeros bed. He was already up, which made me moan sleepily, before I felt a sticky warm wetness sliding down my arm that made me freeze. My eyes wide open now, I gently pulled up my sleeve to find the bandage nearly black with blood, and I had to slap a hand over my mouth to stop my horrified yell escaping my lips. I scrambled out of bed as fast as I could, checking the sheets and mattress to find that they too were stained nearly ebony where my arm had rested. Oh shit. I raced to the bathroom, thankful that no one was using it, and slamming the door behind me with a thud that reverberated through the whole house. I didn't care about the others knowing at the moment, I just had to make it stop. I wanted to die on my own terms, not in this wimpy kind of way alone, and scared shitless, in this miserable little room.

I quickly prised off the already loose gauze and winced when I saw the cuts half clotted with old blood and wisps of the light fabric. I washed the whole thing again gently, pouring on more antiseptic that made me whimper with the wave of pain it brought. I got another roll of bandaging out of the top draw, mentally promising myself to replace it as soon as possible, even if I had to steal it. I started winding it tightly around the worst of it, yelping as I felt the loose edges of skin rub together. Quatre was passing by unfortunately at the exact same moment, and he heard it which made him knock on the door and ask, "Is that you Duo? Are you ok?"

"Fine" I yelled cheerfully. "I stubbed my damn toe on the skirting board." He seemed satisfied with this, and when I heard him move further along the hall I sighed gratefully. I don't really need awkward questions at the moment, I thought as I finished winding the bandage so tight I could feel my pulse throbbing in my hand. Damn, this hurt like a son of a bitch.

I raced back into my room, and ripped everything off my bed in one big flurry. I had just flipped the mattress over so no one could see the stain and had bundled all the bedding into a tight little ball that had the blood soaked bits wrapped entirely from view when Wufei stuck his head in the door to see what I was doing. He grinned when he saw my shocked face and for a moment I thought he knew what was happening. "Wet the bed Maxwell?" he asked not unkindly, and I almost fainted from relief. "Nightmares" was all I said, and he nodded sedately before going back out into the hall. I sagged to the floor as I felt sobs trying to climb their way up my throat, choking them back silently and brushing my eyes with my sleeve before getting up to get dressed.

I grabbed my long sleeved t-shirt and my black jeans and pulled them on, grimacing as even the small pressure from the fabric of the top settled on my abused arm. I made sure that the bandage was covered before grabbing the bedding and racing downstairs to the front door. I ran to the curb of the quiet leafy street just as the garbage truck was arriving two doors down and shoved the lot into one of the three garbage cans parked on the edge of the cement. I stood back and watched the overweight garbage man load everything into the back of the truck, smiling and giving him a wave as it drove away.

I walked more slowly back inside with a strange kind of dizziness, wrinkling my nose as the aroma of cooking food assaulted my sense of smell. I really didn't feel like eating, but I had to maintain appearances for the benefit of the others if I wanted to get through this day. Picking up my step I fairly bounced into the kitchen, whistling as I did so, to find everyone at the table already starting to eat. I let an amused pout float across my face as I crossed the floor to grab my own plate. My reflection in the mirror of the sink looked pale, my eyes darker than they usually were.

"You could have waited for me" I said mock sternly as I loaded up my plate with nearly everything on the table, even though my stomach was protesting even at the sight of it all. The first mouthful nearly made me retch, and Trowa noticed, though I covered it with a grin and said, "Went down the wrong way! Don't you hate it when that happens?"

He gave a ghost of a smile and went back to eating his own rather small breakfast. I looked at everyone to make sure they weren't watching me as I forced another mouthful down, successfully controlling my gag reflex. I quickly got into the pattern of trying not to taste any of it as I forced it down my protesting throat. I looked up from one particularly bad mouthful to find Wufei smiling at me sympathetically. I raised my eyebrows at him even as I felt my heart begin to race in fear.

"Nightmare that bad, huh?" he said, and I had to cast my mind back for a moment to remember what he was talking about. I smiled and nodded, while reaching for the maple syrup to smother my scrambled eggs in it. I hated the taste, but felt it was needed to keep up the act of my wacky personality. Quatre grabbed my arm, my injured one, in concern and I nearly screamed at the wave of pain it caused.

"Are you still having nightmares Duo?" he asked worriedly, and I had to grip all of my resolve to answer him normally. "Yeah, but they don't get to me as much anymore."

Wufei snorted. "Bullshit. It was so bad last night he…well, he….you know…like a little kid." I looked at him in horror, fake of course, while inside I silently applauded him. Make them think whatever they want, anything to keep away from the truth of it. Everyone but Heero looked at me in pity, while he just stared at me blankly before going back to his meal. Quatre squeezed my arm, as if to reassure me, and I did black out for a couple of seconds before returning hazily back to the world. "You mind letting go of your death grip there, superman?" I said sweetly while I felt the sweat cascading down my back from the furious screech of my jangled nerves.

He blushed and let go, and I went back to trying to get through the torture of breakfast. As I was reaching for the apple juice though, I stared in horror as a little trail of blood droplets followed the movements of my wrist. Heero noticed my look and saw them as they dripped quietly onto the surface as well, and then his eyes snapped back up to mine with this intensely furious gaze. I quailed under it, turning my head away so he couldn't see my eyes and quickly withdrew my arm from sight. He stood up so slowly that the others didn't notice his movements until he slammed his utensils onto the table. They all started and looked at him in surprise, before looking towards me as I flinched when he grabbed my arm, the uninjured one thank god, and pulled me to my feet.

"What the hell is that, Maxwell?" he demanded in a soft voice as I tried to pull my arm out of his grasp. As I twisted around I slammed the inside of my wrist, the one with the cuts, onto the table and let out a barely audible gasp of pain. I lifted it up, and stared in shock at the clear imprint of blood in the shape of my arm on the varnished wood. I then turned to him in sudden fury. I snarled, and pulled myself out of his strong hands before backing quickly away from the table like a cornered animal.

"What the hell do you think it is?" I shouted as everyone looked at the bloody imprint, then at me. I could feel that when I had jarred my arm it had ripped open the bigger cuts and was letting almost a constant stream of blood to patter on the tiles next to me. I didn't care though. I was furious at him for even thinking he could talk to me like that. I was getting a little dizzier for some reason, and had trouble focusing on them as everyone rose from the table to look at me. "It's…its none of…your…" I said thickly as I slid down the wall to the ground, suddenly feeling the strength in my legs disappear.

He took this opportunity to pin me down while struggling to pull up my sleeve, and I didn't let him do it easily. I struggled a little before seeing that it was hopeless and I sort of blacked out again, this time for about ten seconds. I came to just as he was pulling up my sleeve to reveal the already blood soaked bandage. "No…please…don't" I murmured as I tried to pull out of his grasp once more. He looked into my eyes for a moment, and did I see something in them? Pain? No, I must really be out of it. I stopped still as my movement sent a wave of nausea through me, and I turned my head away and squeezed my eyes tightly closed as he began to undo the tight cloth. I heard Quatre try to muffle a sob as my wounds were exposed to the open air. Wufei had gasped, and Trowa and sounded like he had murmured a quiet "No."

I felt tears trickle slowly out from under my eyelids as he turned my arm to get a better grasp and I felt warm wetness slide in a wave down the length of it. "Damn it" he muttered angrily, and I shook a little as he began prodding at the deeper ones with his cool thin fingers. "Quatre, go get the medicine kit, he's cut far too deep to close them on his own. Trowa, can you get me a bowl of warm water, and Wufei, lots of towels." He continued to examine them as my trembling got worse, and I started to half heartedly try to pull out of his grip. He shook me sharply to make me look in his eyes, and then murmured in a low comforting voice, "I know that Im making you uncomfortable being this close to them, but I need to stop the bleeding. You will die if we don't get these deep ones closed. Do you know how much blood you've lost?"

I shook my head numbly, and nearly passed out as a fresh wave of dizziness nearly carried me away. He noticed, and shook me sharply again. "Don't go to sleep Duo, please, try to stay awake for me." I tried to open my eyes and got them part way open. He seemed satisfied with this, and I felt Quatre come running into the kitchen to kneel beside the two of us, Trowa with a large stainless steel bowl full of sloshing water and Wufei with a stack of white towels.

"Ok Trowa, you have to hold his arm in place while I start to stitch them closed, Quatre, you try to keep him awake for me, and Wufei, call Sally. We might need her help if he's lost too much blood." I felt Trowas nimble fingers gently take hold of my arm, and saw in the corner of my eye Heero ripping packets of sutures and needles and thread open with his teeth. Quatre took my face in his hands and turned my head to make me look at him. He had tears running down his cheeks, and I felt a wave of sadness that I had caused him such pain. "Im sorry Quatre" I whispered, trying to raise my other hand to brush away the tears. "No Duo, no no no, I'm sorry, I should have saw this earlier. I should have known." He was sobbing quietly, and I felt my own eyes fill and I began to cry silently, not even having the energy to tremble as my lungs took in too much air from my gasping breaths.

"Keep him awake, that's good, keep him focused" I heard Heero mutter as I felt the sting of the needle pierce my arm, stiffening as it set off another wave of pain. I tried to jerk my wrist away, but Trowa had it in a death grasp, not allowing me to move it one millimetre. "Oh God no", I sobbed as I felt myself drifting into unconsciousness, only to be brought back by Quatre as he slapped my face gently. "Come on Duo, keep awake. Let's talk about all the lovely food we are going to eat when all this is over. Ice cream, and hot chips, hamburgers, all the best greasy stuff, what do you say, hey?"

I almost laughed at this, and decided to let one truth show, if only for the time being. "I hate food Quatre. I have to force myself to eat it most of the time." He looked momentarily surprised, before a smile graced his lips even as the tears kept running down his face. "I wondered why you didn't comment on the lovely breakfast I cooked this morning for you." I chuckled weakly, and closed my eyes. It hurt too much to have them open. "Duo, open your eyes, you have to stay awake for me Duo, please try." I did try, but my eyelids seemed to have iron weights keeping them closed. I finally prised them open to see him peering worriedly into my eyes, his blue ones scanning my face to make sure I was awake.

"Heero, he's losing consciousness." Heero stopped the administrations on my arm to lean over to look into my eyes. "He's going into shock from loss of blood. Wufei?" I heard him come running back into the kitchen, and saw dimly as he handed the phone to him. "I need you to get all the ice you can find and put it in some tea towels. We'll have to freeze him a little to stop the blood flowing so fast to the cuts." He barked "It's Heero" into the phone, before listening intently for almost half a minute. He then grabbed one of the towels, and dipping it in the water started wiping away the half dried and still wet blood, revealing hundreds of fine little scars running up and down my wrist. "He's done it, I don't know, maybe hundreds of times before this" he said worriedly to Sally, and then listened for a little while longer before putting the phone down and taking my face in his hands after gently brushing Quatre aside. "Duo, was there something different about this time? Can you tell me what it was?" he asked after I had nodded tiredly.

I tried to speak, and discovered my mouth was too dry. After motioning Quatre to get me some water, he grabbed the glass and pushed it against my mouth to make me swallow it. I did so, spluttering as it actually went the wrong way this time, before answering in a cracked voice, "It…was…different this time…because…it was good…all the time…" He looked at me concernedly, before relaying what I had said to Sally. "She wants to know what you mean by good all the time." "Usually…the good feelings stop…after the first…cut, but…this time…it just kept…feeling better and better."

He said all this to Sally, before making a face and saying to Trowa, "Hold his arm steady again, Wufei, pack his arm and chest with the ice. We have to sew it up as much as we can before she gets here." Wufei did as he was asked, and I immediately started shivering as the icy cold enveloped my torso. "That's great Fei; just keep a lot of it on there. Duo, Sally says you reached your limit last night and that's why you couldn't stop this time." He started stitching again, but I didn't feel any pain this time, just an odd sort of pulling sensation. It was probably from the ice.

A few minutes later he sighed and rocked back on his heels, rubbing his hands tiredly across his eyes, leaving a couple of bloody streaks. I barely noticed this, and I couldn't feel it when he put his hands on my cheeks again, only a hint of pressure as he pressed them slightly to make me look him in the eye. "You can't feel this, can you?" he asked softly, and I shook my head with the barest of movements so he could feel it. He sighed wearily, and picked up the phone again. "Sally, are you nearly here? Good, I don't know long he can last. He's lost so much blood…yes, he is still awake. Just keep him awake until you get here? Ok." My head nodded forward and for the first time I saw how much blood I had lost. It spread in a large pool all around me, making the tiles underneath look like they had been stained with a cherry red luminance.

I pulled my head back after what seems like a million years to see him peering into my eyes again. I weakly moved my uninjured hand to rest on top of his, and was grateful when he took it and squeezed it with both of his. I decided I would tell him right there and then about how I felt, about how I loved him. "Heero?" I was a little surprised at the calmness in my voice, and I could tell so was he. "Yes Duo?" I just looked at him for a long time, my eyes never leaving his face, and then I whispered so softly I don't think even I heard me. "I…I love you. Please don't take this the wrong way…but…I really do. I love you."

He looked pained at this statement, and picked up the phone again and started yelling into it, "Sally, hurry the hell up! We're losing him!" I heard her shout even through the phone as she said she was a street away. I even dimly heard the screech of brakes as a car roared into the driveway. Then she was there, vibrant as always as she commanded Heero to pick me up and take me upstairs to our room. She checked my pulse as he picked me up so damn carefully, as if I were made of fragile glass and started to move me slowly towards the stairs. She grabbed my arm and inspected the stitches carefully even as they were making their way upstairs, asking lots of questions I was having a hard time focusing on. "It was a good idea with the ice, Heero" Sally said as Heero lowered me onto his bed. "Do you know how long it's been since he did it?"

Heero shook his head absently as he manoeuvred my braid so it wouldn't get any blood on it, making it lie beside me like a curled up snake. I smiled briefly in thanks, feeling very out of the situation as Sally began hooking up several bags filled with red fluid on a pole she had had Quatre carry up for her. Heero took my hand again, and I saw him look very scared for a split second before Sally turned around and he slammed his mask back into place again. He didn't let go of my hand though, and I squeezed it weakly as his grip grew tighter when Sally, after checking my pulse again, ripped open her bag and got out the largest needle I have ever seen before in my life. I tried to move and found I couldn't even twitch a muscle in sympathy. I whispered breathily, "No…needles." Sally just tsked and said, "This is an adrenaline shot Duo. Your heart is starting to slow down too much too fast, so I have to inject this directly into your chest, ok?" I tried to shake my head to indicate no, it was not ok in my books, but found I couldn't even move my neck muscles. I had never felt so weak before in my life.

She ripped open my shirt, before murmuring, "Oh my God." Oh shit. I had forgotten about those ones. Three large puckered scars that were old bullet wounds. A large gash which I had obtained from a knife when I was a child. Countless others all in little processions of white marching across my thin chest like runes from some forgotten obscure language, pale, nearly gone, but still recognisable. My ribs stood out in stark relief, my stomach a cavern below its wasted visage. I guess I haven't been eating right lately. She instructed Heero and Trowa, being the ones with the most weight, to hold down my arms and chest and motioned for Quatre and Wufei to come and sit on my legs. I would have laughed if they had tried to do this at any other time, but since I seemed to have trouble breathing that didn't seem like such a good idea.

"Ok, get ready because he won't like this" she muttered as she started to fill the needle with a clear fluid I couldn't recognise. I started to fade away again, and she slapped me a lot harder than Quatre had done earlier making a little feeling come back into my face. "You felt that?" I nodded a little, my eyes wide as the needle was brought closer to my chest. "Don't tense up, whatever you do Duo." She then stabbed the needle into my chest and depressed the plunger all the way, and my heart slowed for a second before bucking and beating so fast I couldn't differentiate between the beats. I started gasping uncontrollably and felt my body rise and contort a little without my consent. They held me down though, as I started to make this weird high pitched keening noise as my heart tried to beat its way out of my chest.

It slowed suddenly, and I tried to push them off me with renewed vigour as Sally started to hook me up to all the red filled bags with needles she inserted in various parts of my body. "Keep holding him down, that's it, Duo, you have to stop. You can still die if I don't get these blood infusions into you as fast as I can. Can you hear me?" I stopped struggling and lay there panting as she finished hooking up the bags to the numerous IV lines snaking out of my body. "That's better Duo, just relax." She then started to check the stitches again, making sure they were taught but not so stretched that they would snap if I moved my arm. Satisfied, she made sure all the drips were working before packing up all her things with a sigh. She didn't leave though, just sat by the side of my bed with the rest of them as I finally started to breathe normally in a large deep rhythm.

Sally turned to me in seriousness then, and I dreaded the questions she would be asking. She sensed this, but decided to plough on anyway, probably because I couldn't run away from it at this time. "How long have you been doing this?" That wasn't such an easy question to answer as time seemed to blur whenever I thought how long I had been feeling the need. "Maybe four years, it isn't clear." She nodded, saying after what seemed like an eternity, "Since you were eleven, ok. Would I be too forward if I asked why you do it?" I shook my head tiredly, and paused for a little while to think of the answer. "It….there's a….feeling I get if I don't…well, cut. It feels like heat, and pins in my skin. I do it to relieve that pressure. I cant stop, and it disgusts me so much but…I have to." I trailed off awkwardly and looked at the ceiling, feeling Heeros hand as he twined his fingers through mine and squeezed gently. I squeezed back, comforted by his presence.

"What do you use to cut?" she asked as she started making notes in a little book she pulled out of her black doctors' bag. I sighed, and turned my head a little to face Heero, wincing at the sad expression on his face that I had never seen before. I looked into his eyes as I said, "In my drawer in the bathroom is a side compartment you open by pressing a little button next to the washer on the screw. In there are my blades. Can you go get them for me?" He looked at Sally to see if this was ok, and when she nodded her head he gave my hand a final squeeze before rising to walk to the bathroom. I heard the sound of my drawer being opened and a sliding sound as he pulled open the hidden compartment, and then footsteps as he walked back to hand them to Sally.

She turned them over in her hands, and I winced when I saw that I had forgotten to clean them last night. She pulled out some alcohol swabs and wiped them before taking a thin black wooded box out of her bag and nestled them inside. She also put in band-aids, more alcoholic swabs and a roll of gauze before handing the lot to me. I blinked at her in surprise and raised my eyebrows in a question. She sighed and said, "You will not be able to stop cutting just like that. You might even have to cut your whole life, and I find this way is better. You will have to cut every time the need arises, but limit yourself to only one or two each time. If you don't, something like this will happen, and soon. Now I know that this is a solitary thing, but you will need to have someone present when…" "No." I interrupted her softly. "I can't do that to anyone, not least the people I now consider to be my family. You have no right in asking that." She smoothed back the hair on my forehead and seemed to slump. "I know the implications of what I am asking of you, and even you four" she said as she turned to face the others. "But you need someone there to stop you if you lose control again. I had to have someone with me when I was doing it, and I found it's much easier to stop when you have people supporting you." She smiled wryly and rolled up her sleeve to reveal traces of scars on her wrists. "I do know what I'm talking about here."

I gave her a small smile that froze when I felt the stirrings of the need rise in my flesh. "It can't be, not this soon…"I muttered as I started to scratch my suddenly itchy face. She gave me a concerned look, seeing something in my face that confirmed her suspicions. "I was right; you have reached your limit. Before you only used to cut about twice a week, right?" I nodded and almost yelped as the feelings arose in a flood that made me want to roll on the ground like a horse with sweat on its back. "It will be much stronger and come more often now, and the feelings will only get better. You have to control yourself though, limit it as much as you can. If you don't, well…." She trailed off and in a flash I saw what would happen. More pain, agony, death….I shuddered and gave a nod. The box sitting next to me already had the persona of my blades-cool, icy calm that would wash the feelings away. I ached for them, and only the shame of my friends seeing me with my nasty little secret stopped me from ripping the lid off and relieving the pressure in me.

"Do you want me to stay, and the others to leave?" she asked quietly, and I nodded quickly, only to be rebuffed by the others as they argued that they had to stay too. "You need help, and I feel like I have failed you" Quatre murmured. "Let me help with this Duo, please." Trowa nodded and sat at the end of Heeros bed and looked like a tank wouldn't be able to budge him. "You have done honourably until now Duo. There is no shame in a warrior asking for assistance when he needs it, even if he is a stupid baka sometimes" Wufei said as he smiled gently. I looked away from them all, and Heero grabbed my face in both of his hands to make me look at him. He had this determined look in his eyes, and such an unbearable look of worry and sadness that it hurt too look at him. All he said was, "I need you too much to let you go", and while everyone looked at him in surprise he gently kissed my forehead. I stared at him in confusion, before my eyes flickered back to the box and then up to Sallys face. She had a look of calmness on her face that decided it for me. I had to do this now, otherwise I would go insane.

I sat up carefully, so as not to disturb the drips in my arms, and crossed my legs so I could rest the box on top of them. I opened it carefully, pulling Transit, the word etched on one of the knives like a name, out and rolled it over and over in my fingers, watching the sunlight that was streaming in from the open window turn it into a whirling mass of cold liquid metal. I stopped and my eyes roved every ones face as I held it tightly in one hand. Quatre looked worried, Wufei grim, Trowa expressionless and Heero with a mix of anger and something else I couldn't identify. Sally just nodded at me, watching the knife in my hand with the same kind of longing I was feeling, but weaker and less substantial. I sighed, feeling a catch in my throat as my eyes filled with tears and I lowered the blade to a patch on my arm that hadn't been previously damaged.

I stopped and left it gently pressing onto my skin as I began to sob quietly, trembling in such a way I wasn't sure if I could stop. I began to cry harder as I felt Heero move up so that the outside of his left leg and my right leg were touching, and put an arm around my slim shoulders. "You do what you have to do Duo" he said quietly as he rubbed my back slowly in a circling motion, resting his forehead on my shoulder. I got a better grip on Transit and pressed forward slowly, so that the blade went neatly into my arm and I felt instant satisfaction as blood began to well up. Everything else began to fade away; there was only me, the knife, and the rising blood. I finished it neatly, feeling the need die down as the knife withdrew from my flesh. I started another one even more slowly, feeling a rush of light-headedness as the relief filled me that I would be able to stop after this one. I left the knife a little in me as I drew to a stop, watching mesmerised as the blood ran in a trickle down my pale skin, only pulling it out as I felt Heero tense next to me. I sighed and closed my eyes, glad that the itchiness was gone, and the need with it.

"Better now?" Sally asked, and I nodded tiredly before leaning back onto Heeros arm. I felt exhausted; the blood loss and the emotional stress taking its toll on my mind and body. Heero let me lean into him and I started to fall asleep, half relieved and half sad that he had had to watch me do this. I felt him pick my up gently, while someone pulled back the covers of his bed, stirring a little as he put me back down. Sally pulled the quilt up over me so that my injured arm was still exposed, and I felt her start to clean the fresh cuts along with the old with patient care. My mind started to shut down and I welcomed it, an escape from this days events.

The next chapter will be written from Heeros point of view. They are still in the room with Duo as he is asleep, so he will be in it in a fashion.

The events in this chapter have happened to me, except for the cutting so soon, as mine was the next day. My boyfriend Dave supervises me while I cut, but he has a condition similar to mine, his with pins, so he is used to it. I do the same with him, so I can describe the feelings of watching someone do this. I might be a bit biased due to my own feelings on the subject, but I will portray it as accurately as possible. If you want to discuss any of this with me, simply write me an email and I promise I will get back to you as fast as I can.

Love Melissa.