Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Road to Kindness ❯ Surgery Part 3 ( Chapter 10 )

The Road to Kindness

 

Chapter 7

Part 3

 

Name thought that the last time she was this pissed off was the last time Duo had spoken to her about Wes. She and Quatre had returned home after getting no leads on Duo, utterly frustrated. Heero and Trowa were still out looking, so she had decided to start making dinner. She had also decided to call the cops tomorrow, no matter the consequences. She had been in the middle marinating a large piece of salmon when the doorbell had rung. Teriyaki salmon was one of Duo's favorites. She tried to tell herself that she wasn't making it in hopes the act would, somehow, insanely, draw Duo out of hiding, that she was just making it because everyone happened to like it, but that was a lie. In all of the frantic searches for Duo, she had completely forgotten that Charles had promised to visit them in a few days, so seeing him on her doorstep had been shock. After what had happened during his last visit, she had no desire to speak or see the man again, but she hadn't wanted a scene to play out on her front doorstep, so she had let him in. She realized now what a mistake that had been.

“For the last time, Charles, I never agreed to the marriage before we left England, so there is no verbal contract! Even if there was I would never honor it!”

“Why are you being so unreasonable?!” Noventa demanded, red in the face after twenty minutes of shouting. His throat was terribly dry and he was starting to feel very frustrated, but he refused to give in.

“I told you a million times,” Name snapped at him, “Heero doesn't love Sylvia and I'm not marrying him off like some piece of property unless he wants to!”

“Love!” Noventa scoffed, “Whoever said love had to be involved?! This is only for business. He can marry my granddaughter and have children with whatever harlot he chooses! I'm not leaving until I have your word this is going to happen!”

Name opened her mouth to scream at him when she heard the front door open. Her eyes widened. This couldn't be good. It had to be Heero and Trowa and if her son caught Charles here, he was going to punch him in the face, which wouldn't end well with any of them. Noventa caught her look and knew that she was never going to see things his way if he had to deal with her on as well, so he decided to use the interruption to his advantage.

“I think I need a glass of water,” he grumbled. Name nodded absently.

“Kitchen's on the right,” she murmured, watching him leave. At least he had some common sense, she thought, but she needed to get him out of here before Heero realized they had a visitor, if he hadn't already.

 

 

 

 

Despite all his fears and anxieties, Duo thought the house was a beautiful sight. When he and Trowa entered, it was entirely silent. He waited for Heero to pop out of nowhere and start screaming at him, but when nothing happened, he sighed in relief. He turned to Trowa, who was waiting for him to make the next move.

“I… I think I need to talk to Name alone,” he said meekly.

“Are you going to tell her what happened?” Trowa asked. Duo nodded.

“I'll tell her as much as I can without sounding like a crazy person,” he admitted.

“I'll be up in my room, then, if you run into any trouble,” Trowa patted his shoulder.

“Thank you,” Duo said gratefully. It would be nice to have some back up when he confronted Name, but he needed to do it on his own. The two boys parted at the steps, Trowa hesitating a little, but he kept his word and went to his and Quatre's room. Duo heard some soft voices coming from the living room. He hesitated for a second, took a deep breath, then walked towards it.

 

 

 

Name waited patiently for the door to open, but when it did, her heart felt like it was going to explode out of her chest.

Duo opened the door and stepped inside, looking well enough, except for the blush on his cheeks He smiled sheepishly at her and waved skittishly.

“Hi, Name,” he said in a quiet voice. Name had thought that, if they ever found Duo, she would be pissed and would end up screaming at him for running away, but at that moment, any urge to yell at him left her.

“Duo!” she practically squealed, hugging him tight enough to almost bring him off the ground.

“Oh, God, you're really here!” she kissed his cheek frantically. Duo flinched at her exuberant reaction, but quickly hugged her back, happy and relieved to see her.

“Are you alright?” she demanded, letting go of him to scrutinize him for any injuries.

“I'm fine,” he assured her, “a little bit tired and hungry, but I'm ok. I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt you guys…”

Name shook her head, struggling to contain her relieved tears.

“As long as you're safe, that doesn't matter.”

“But it does,” Duo insisted, “I shouldn't have run off like that. I hurt you guys and I'm sorry. There so much I need to explain.”

Name calmed down and gestured to the chairs.

“Alright, you do owe me some sort of explanation. Let's sit and talk,” the two of them sat down, Duo fidgeting a little.

“I'm not going to bite and I'm not going to yell,” she comforted him, “Just tell me what's going on”

Duo looked away from her sharp gaze. He had thought, only a few hours ago, that there would always be things he could never tell anyone, secrets that he had to hold close to his heart, just to make it thorough the day, but while talking to Trowa, he realized it was pointless keeping such secrets from his new family. He was terrified of telling Name such things. Though Trowa was a neutral party, Name wasn't. He was only living there on her say so. If she didn't like what he had to say, she could kick him out. He thought too highly of her to think she would do that, but it was still in her power to do so and that scared him. But, as he and Trowa had walked the long road back to the house, he had decided to tell her as much of the truth as he had Trowa She deserved to know, after everything she had done for him.

“I ran away because I was ashamed of myself,” he admitted, “I didn't feel like I belonged here and I didn't think I would ever be healed enough to be normal, like how you and Heero want me to be. I've been feeling that way for a very long time, but I pushed it all deep down and tried to forget those feelings were there. But, when I overheard you and that man talking about something else I didn't know, it reminded me how fragile I am and that there would always be a distance between us. I know now that it isn't fair to be angry at you and Heero for keeping things from me. I know you'd never do anything to hurt me. Trowa and I talked for a long time and I realized that, even if I feel displaced and I can never be normal, I love all of you too much to stay away from you. So, I promise, I'm not going to run away. Even if I'm having problems, I'm just going to talk to one of you about it. I don't want to hurt any of you again.”

Name gave him a sad smile.

“I'm glad you decided to come home I didn't know you were feeling that way. You should never feel ashamed or that you don't belong, but you're right. Because of our pasts, there will always be some distance between us That doesn't mean that we don't love you, though,” she promised, “We don't expect you to be `normal', or even completely healed, but I hope that, one day, you won't be so haunted by your past, that's all.”

Duo wanted to thank her, he wanted to stop and let things be, but he knew that he couldn't.

“I'm in love with Heero,” the words tumbled out, filling him with a numbing fear, “I have for a very long time. It's because of those feelings that I ran away when he found out about Zechs and me. I didn't drop school because I was scared of him getting me in trouble. I was scared of him hating me. What was most painful wasn't Wes locking me in that room, it was believing that Heero was disgusted of me and would, eventually, forget that I had ever existed,” Duo dug his nails into his arms, trying to use the pain to keep his tears at bay while Name stared at him with large, shocked eyes.

“It hurts,” he whispered in a broken, defeated voice that set Name more on edge than his confession of loving her son, “It hurts more than anything else I've ever felt. Even if you're disgusted or hate me for it, I do love him. It's not a mistake, I'd literally die, if he asked me to. I love him. But, it's too heavy,” Duo couldn't contain his tears anymore, wrapping his arms around his stomach defensively.

“He'll never love me like that. He doesn't even realize how devoted I am to him, how painful it was to learn about Relena and Sylvia from someone else. These feelings… they're too heavy… I just… I want someone to take them away. It hurts too much for me to handle anymore. I had to run. How can I possibly keep that a secret from him anymore?” Duo finally met Name's eyes, his violet ones echoing his mental anguish. Name shuddered at the look, not doubting his words in the least.

“Oh, Duo,” she murmured sadly. She was just as ignorant as her son, she should have seen Duo's feelings. He was usually like an open book, so how had he managed to hide this from her? She wanted to smack both herself and Heero for causing the boy even more stress by not seeing the truth. She knew that there was little she could have done before Duo had been ready to confess, but she still blamed herself for not noticing it. The problem was, Duo was so affectionate, she had been unwilling to see the difference between his feelings of friendship and those of love.

“I'm sorry,” Duo choked out. He stood, ready to flee before Name could stop him, but he paused, his eyes widening in fear. Name turned to follow his gaze and growled low in her throat.

Charles Noventa stood in the door way with an amused smirk on his face that made Name's inside boil.

“You've been hiding a lot from me, Yuy,” the older man said in a superior tone, his eyes taking Duo in, inch by inch, with a look that the Japanese woman didn't like at all.

“I heard rumors that you were taking in a stray mutt for charity's sake, but I had never actually thought that you would do such a thing!” Charles continued, “I'm surprised you haven't given this more publicity. People love these sorts of stories. But, what's even more surprising is that your son has made acquaintances with a homosexual. He certainly doesn't seem the type to let starry eyed fairies follow him around like mindless dogs.”

Duo remained frozen through Noventa's insults. As much as they hurt, he knew that they weren't true, not the way Noventa had spun them, and he was too scared of the two adults' reactions of his confession to want to get involved in a shouting match between them. It had taken all of his courage to tell Name the truth and it still hadn't been enough. He was embarrassed and angry that the strange man had heard him spill his heart out when it had only been intended for someone that he loved and trusted. He would consider himself lucky if Name still cared about him after admitting that he loved her son.

“Duo is not here because of charity,” Name snarled, bristling at Noventa's comments at the expense of both her son and his best friend, “and you're one to talk about mindless loyalty considering who you're trying to get my son to marry!”

Instead of rising to her bait, Charles approached Duo, keeping him pinned with his stare.

“You're right,” Charles said snidely, “a boy like Heero would never be interested in someone like you.”

Despite the fact that Noventa was only repeating what Duo had always believed, the words hurt at the same time that he felt furious. This man knew nothing about him and he had no right to judge his relationship with Heero. Name glared at her ex-partner, astonished that he would have the gall to say that to Duo. She stood, ready to protect him, but Noventa wasn't finished.

“I understand, really, I do,” Charles said with false kindness, as though he were speaking to a child, “it's hard for a teenage boy to know his place and to keep the line between friend and lust defined. The papers either say you're his pet project or his best friend, but I bet it's the latter. He listens to you, respects your opinion, doesn't he?”

Duo nodded cautiously, not liking the gleam in the old man's eyes.

“I'm a desperate man, Duo,” Noventa confessed as though the two of them were suddenly best friends, “And I'm not above negotiating when I have to. How about a deal? A friend of mine's son looks an awful lot like Heero, not as tall and a bit more tan, but there is a great resemblance between them. If you can get Heero to marry my granddaughter, I can get the young man to do whatever you'd like, what do you say?”

Name and Duo both stared at the man in disbelief. Name had never thought he would be desperate enough to proposition someone. She could understand why Duo had feelings for her son. Compared to him, trying to understand Noventa in this situation seemed impossible. That he was suggesting Duo's emotions could be bought away with paid dates and sex was beyond insulting and she had the sudden urge to hit the old man in the face.

Duo glared at Charles angrily. He couldn't believe he had had the balls to say those things in front of Name, who looked ready to gut him. He would never manipulate Heero like that, not for all the money in the world. And, after all those years letting men hurt and degrade them, how could he ever condone the propositioning of another human being, especially for his sake? Beyond that, Noventa just didn't get what he had told Name. He thought his feelings could be swayed by sex, like he was just some common pervert?

“Fuck you,” he snarled, making both adults look at him in shock.

“I don't care if you find someone who looks exactly like Heero! If it isn't Heero, then it doesn't matter! It has nothing to do with sex! I love him! If Heero told me, right this second, that he would fall in love with me if no sex was involved, I'd agree in a heartbeat! And I don't care how rich or powerful you are, Heero's my best friend, and if he says he doesn't want to marry your granddaughter, then that's all I need to know! So, no, I'm not going to tell Heero to take up your offer, I'm going to tell him to do whatever makes him happiest!”

Duo didn't know why telling Noventa off was easier than standing up to Wes or Zechs. Maybe it was because he was a stranger or hadn't caused him any physical harm, or maybe it was because his words had cut him so deeply and had enraged him He didn't know, but it felt kind of good, watching Noventa's snide features change to shock, then anger.

Noventa's hands curled into fists, his face starting to turn red again as fury boiled inside of him. Getting turned down by Name again and again had been bad enough, but being scolded by a child that wasn't even old enough to drive yet was simply embarrassing. He grabbed Duo's shirt, pinning him in his place and making him flinch sharply.

“Now, you listen to me, you little shit, and you listen closely,” he snapped, “You think a prince like Heero Yuy is ever going to look at a faggot like you as anything more than an amusing toy?! You may look pretty, but beauty is only skin deep He knows what's under that, doesn't he? He knows that, underneath it all, you're just dime a dozen street trash! You think he'll ever love you?! What's so special about you that he would love you? Even if you were a woman, you wouldn't stand a chance with a Yuy! All you'll ever be is a fad, something he can throw away when he gets bored of you!” Noventa gave the boy a rough shake, taking immense pleasure in the emotional turmoil and pain in his wide eyes.

“Charles, that's enough!”

The sound of Name's enraged voice as she all but ran to protect her son's friend startled Noventa enough to release Duo's shirt. Duo shoved the taller man away from him and ran out of the room.

 

 

 

Duo made it halfway up the steps before he started to cry. It felt like his heart had been breaking over and over again, ever since that first moment that he had realized he had fallen in love with Heero. As ignorant as Noventa was, he was right. Heero would never see him as romantically attractive. He loved him so much, his heart burned and tore with it, but he had to sufferer in silence for the rest of his life, looking at his dream in the eyes every day and night, going insane with a need he barely understood. Silent tears tracked down his cheeks and he choked back his sobs, not wanting Trowa or possibly Quatre or Heero to come looking for him. He thought that if Heero found him like this, he would either die or shame or do something very, very stupid.

Why were these feelings so powerful? He couldn't wrap his head around them. He had never felt anything like this before. He had been neglecting his dreams and desires his entire life. Why was this particular dream so much harder to discard than the others? He didn't want to be in love, in his opinion, it was the worst thing in the world, to have one's heart burst into flame, just by thinking of that person, then become so painfully hollow when they were gone, but he couldn't shake the feeling, no matter how hard he tried. The thought of spending his life pining after someone who couldn't possibly care for him that way was the worst sort of pain. What made it even more terrible was that he couldn't stop himself from hoping that it could happen. The logical part of himself told him that such a thing was impossible, but his emotions burned with the need to believe that someday, someday, Heero would fall for him, too. He wasn't even totally sure if that was what he wanted. He wanted to be loved so badly, but at the same time, at this point in his life, he was scared of that sort of relationship. How could he possibly stay sane, pining for the one thing that scared him the most? After being raped, he had thought he could survive anything, no matter how painful, but he wasn't sure if he wanted to survive through this kind of pain.

Through his tears, Duo managed to get to his bedroom, closing the door quietly behind him. He lied down on his bed, feeling drained and anxious at the same time. He hugged one of his pillows tightly burying his face in it and soaking the downy material with his tears. He wanted to pretend that he was holding a living breathing person, someone warm and comforting, someone who loved him, but in the end, it was just a cold, lifeless pillow, soft, but completely incapable of telling him that everything was going to be ok or holding him in return. He knew that he was being unfair. Noventa had gotten that part wrong. Name and Heero did love him, but right now, he wanted someone to look him in the eye and tell him that he wasn't trash, that he was loved. He wanted someone to look at him like he was beautiful, like he was the most special thing in the world. He wanted someone to love him like he loved Heero. He wanted to be loved even though, he knew deep down in his heart, there was nothing in him to love.

 

 

 

Noventa stumbled backwards as Name slapped him across the face. He didn't know which burned more, his cheek or his pride.

“Get the hell out of my house, Charles,” she ordered in a tight, cold voice.

“You're no longer welcome here, or anywhere else near my family.”

Noventa looked at her with wide, disbelieving eyes and Name couldn't deny how good it felt seeing the imprint of her hand already start to bruise on his pale skin.

“You can't be serious,” he protested, “You're going to protect that boy over me?! He's just a-,”

Name shoved him against the wall, shocking him with her sudden display of strength and anger.

“If you value your life at all, you won't finish that sentence,” she snapped, “In lieu of our past partnership, I won't break your nose for all those things you said to one of my children, but if I catch you near Duo or Heero, I'm going to destroy what little you still have left. Your money, your reputation, your family, I will ruin you, do you understand me?”

Noventa paled, finally realizing how serious she was.

“He's not your child,” he started to say in a pathetically weak voice, but Name stopped the rest of his words from tumbling out with a cold, sharp look.

“Yes, he is. That `street trash' you think so poorly of is more important to me than you ever were and as long as I still have breath in my lungs, I will protect him from people like you. Now, get out.”

Noventa felt all of the fight leave him in an instant, having the sudden intense desire to get away from the furious woman. He shuffled past her and walked down the hallway to the back door. When his feet hit the front steps, he looked back, into the house, his eyes meeting with Name's intense black ones.

“This isn't over,” he warned. He would let her win this battle, he reasoned, but he couldn't afford to lose, even if he had to do despicable things to win, it was just business and he had to be strong, even if Name Yuy scared the crap out of him.

“Yes, it is,” Name's voice was filled with a heavy finality as she shut the door in his face. She didn't even wait for Noventa to get into his car and leave before she flipped open her cell phone and dialed Heero's number. She wasn't even a little shocked when he didn't pick up, probably too immersed in finding Duo and his own emotional turmoil to notice it ringing. A little bit of her anger released her as she realized how happy her son would be when he found out that his best friend was safe at home. She wanted to leave a message telling him so, but there was a part of her that was still angry at herself and Heero for not noticing Duo's pain, so she didn't.

“Heero, come home, now,” she simply barked to his voice mail, severing the call and putting the phone back into her pocket. She leaned against the wall heavily. Had her life always been this complicated? She didn't think so. She rubbed at her eyes, suddenly feeling very tired. Her words to Noventa came back to her. When had she started seeing Duo as her child? A very long time ago, it felt like, even before she had taken him home. She did love him and wanted to protect him. So, seeing him in pain like this was eating her up inside. She had to make things right, but it wasn't that simple. In reality, Duo's problems with Heero were out of her hands. The two boys had to sort things out on their own, on their own terms. She hated having problems that she couldn't solve. Still, there was one thing that she could make better. Duo thought that she would be disgusted in him for loving Heero, that she would see him as some sort of pervert. She would have to correct him on that.

 

 

 

Name found Duo lying face down on his bed, his face buried in one of his pillows. At first, she thought that he was sleeping, but as she approached him, she realized that he was too tense to be sleeping. She sighed and sat at the edge of the bed.

“Duo, you need to talk to me,” she said softly, her tone almost begging, though she hadn't meant for it to be. Duo made an odd sniffling noise and she realized that he had been crying and was trying to hide it from her, but it was useless when he looked at her with bloodshot eyes. She ached to comfort him and felt guilty, wondering how many times he had cried over Heero without anyone to talk to.

“I have nothing more to say,” he said wearily, “I told you everything.”

She brushed his bangs away from his eyes, touching his cheek gently.

“Yes, you did,” she said in a kind, patient tone, “but I never got to have my say.”

Duo stiffened even further. He wanted to protest that he didn't want to hear what she had to say, if it was good, it still wouldn't change anything, and if it was bad, it wouldn't be anything he didn't expect.

“Why bother saying anything?” he murmured, “Noventa's right, Heero's seen me at my worst. He knows my past, all the dirty little secrets hiding underneath. I'm street trash, born and bred; Wes only brought those traits out full force. How could he ever love me the way I love him? He's so much… brighter than I am. He deserves someone like that, too. I can't ever give him that sort of light, that sort of beauty. There isn't anything special about me. Besides, Heero isn't gay. I mean, if he was willing to give Relena a shot, he can't be gay. I feel lucky that he even looks at someone like me as a friend. And how can you stand to look at me knowing I want to do those disgusting things with your own son?”

Name felt a pain, deep in her heart, knowing that Duo had to describe sex and longing that way since it was how he understood it. It was easier than she wanted to admit to pick Duo up and drag him into her arms, holding him close.

“I can stand it because I love you, too,” Name said fiercely, “Loving another person, someone who you'd come to depend upon and care about as a very good friend, isn't disgusting, Duo. It's natural and it's beautiful. I'm not ashamed of you and you're probably the only person in the world I don't mind falling in love with Heero. I wish I could make this better, but I'm strong enough to admit I don't know how. I can also admit that I don't know all the thoughts in my child's head. He wanted to try to have a relationship with her because she was his best friend and her family was in trouble, but he was never comfortable with any of the intimate things she wanted from him, even kissing. You think Heero's perfect?” she snorted in dry humor, feeling Duo start to relax in her embrace, his head resting on her chest.

“He's far from perfect, honey. He's quick to anger, anti-social, has terrible manners, and practically no sense of tact. He can't cook and is terrible with money. You have plenty of light. You're the only one who can reach him when he's in one of his moods, you're sweet, kind, and brilliant with your hands. You have so much beauty inside you. Noventa's wrong. You're not ordinary, but you're not a freak. Heero doesn't care that you spent your life on the streets, anymore than I do. You're socially awkward, but you're a good friend. You are a very special person, in both good and bad ways. Not many people could have pulled through all the horrors you've been through. Heero knows you well, but you know him well, too. You know that he isn't perfect, he's a human being with many faults. We all are. He loves you and so do I. I could never hurt you for feeling the way you do. You were very brave to confess to me,” she said with a soft smile, “I can't imagine how hard it was. I've never had to know that sort of pain. Heero's father was the only man I pursued in a serious way, but because of my family, I never had to worry about telling his parents how I felt. I don't think I would have been able to do that in your situation.”

Even though he felt like very little had been solved with Name's acceptance, he felt better having her by his side once more.

“I don't know what to do,” he murmured, “I can't ever tell him…”

Name rubbed his shoulder in comfort.

“I won't tell him, Duo, none of us will. What ever you need, I'll help you.”

“Thank you,” the longhaired boy said, but didn't tell her that what he wanted more than anything, she could never give him.

 

 

 

 

 

Heero hadn't wanted to give up the search so early, but had rushed home on his mother's word, just like a child. He hated himself for doing it. No matter what his mother had to tell him, it wasn't anywhere near as important as finding his missing friend. Still, he wondered what he was doing. Duo was so good at hiding, how could he possibly find him? He felt like he was being whittled away, a piece at a time. He was exhausted and frustrated. He just wanted to go to bed tonight, knowing that the boy he loved was safe.

His mother was waiting for him at the foot of the stairs with a stern look on her face.

“What was so important you couldn't just talk to me over the phone about it?” he demanded. Name narrowed her eyes at him, examining her son. He was pale, dark circles under his eyes and seemed agitated. She realized that he hadn't been sleeping well just as he hadn't been eating much in the last two days. His appearance made her feel a little bit guilty, but she kept remembering the broken look in Duo's eyes when he had told her of his feelings. Without any warning, she smacked Heero upside the head.

“Ow! What the hell?!” Heero grabbed his head as the blow cleared his head of the sleepy fog he had been in.

“Go upstairs,” his mother ordered. Heero glared at her.

“Why did you hit me?!” he snapped.

“Just go upstairs, Heero,” Name gave him a hard look. Heero made an annoyed huffing noise, but stormed upstairs anyway.

When Heero reached the upstairs bedrooms, he heard Trowa and Quatre talking in their bedroom and felt a dull rage tighten his chest in realization that Trowa had already given up for the day. His hands curled into fists and he wanted to storm into the room and demand that the two of them help look some more. Was he the only one who still believed that Duo could be found? He was about to storm over there when Duo's door opened and Duo himself stepped out, looking at him with wide, anxious eyes. He was the most beautiful thing Heero had ever seen, the vision making tears prickle his eyes. With a wordless, near-cry, Heero hugged his best friend, bringing him off of the ground for a few seconds.

“Heero!” Duo squeaked, but he felt too good about seeing the Japanese boy to tell him to let go. He clung back, reveling in Heero's unique heat. He had only been gone for two days, but every second that he was away from Heero felt like days. Sometimes he loved being left to himself, but sometimes that separation was quite painful. When Heero finally let him go, both of them were out of breath, their hearts pounding. Heero grabbed his shoulder, either to keep him from running or to remind himself that he was real, Duo didn't know. If it had been anyone else, Duo would have flinched away, but it was Heero and he didn't, he couldn't.

“Where have you been?!” Heero demanded and the tears in his eyes were as painful to Duo as a gleaming knife in his gut, “Why did you run away?”

Duo placed his hands over Heero's.

“I'll tell you,” he promised, leading Heero into his bedroom.

 

 

 

Sitting next to Heero on his bed, shoulder to shoulder, Duo did as he did with Trowa and Name, explaining the fears and doubts he had been living with, omitting his turbulent feelings for his best friend, of course.

“How could you ever think that I would abandon you, just because you couldn't change?” Heero asked with a hurt expression.

“There wasn't anything rational behind it,” Duo murmured, “I know that you could never be that callous to me, but I was scared and anxious and too used to running instead of talking about my feelings.”

Heero ran his fingers through his short hair. He couldn't help but feel hurt that Duo had actually believed he would abandon him or hate him, simply because he was having problems, but he was too tired and too happy to have Duo so close to him again to want to dwell on it very long.

“Are there any other secret engagements I should know about?” Duo suddenly asked, his tone tinged with betrayal and hurt. Heero made a soft groaning noise, pressing his shoulder against his friend's.

“I never hid that from you, not consciously,” he confessed, “I never told you about Relena because I had thought I would never see her again, and I was ashamed. I had trusted her and she had let me down. Mom had seen her for what she was, but I hadn't. I should have told you, but I was afraid you'd lost faith in me, something neither of us could have handled. I didn't tell you about Sylvia because it just plain slipped my mind. Our engagement had never been finalized. Noventa had just mentioned it to Mom, but then we left England. I never thought anything would come from it. That's all, I swear.”

“Why should I ever trust you again?” Duo whispered, “You may not have lied to me, but you haven't told me a lot, either. It's so embarrassing. I've told you horrible things, but you're still hiding from me. Is it because I lied to you? Do you not trust me to tell me about your past?”

Heero was startled by Duo's words, but when he looked into his beautiful, deep violet eyes, he was relieved to find all of Duo's blind faith in him still there. Duo still trusted him, to the point that it scared Heero a little, but he realized that Duo didn't trust himself, and that was the problem. How could he expect Duo to trust his word, to trust that he would always be there for him, when Duo couldn't even trust, or respect, his own self? He put his hand over Duo's, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

“I can't promise that you'll know every inch of my past. I'm sure I don't know every inch of yours. However, I can promise that I will never lie to you. I will never keep things from you when you ask. I know I'm socially awkward and I don't think about these things, but if you ever need to know something, ask me, and I'll tell you. Don't rely on me to tell you everything, though I'm not that smart to think of everything you need to know,” Heero said with a grin.

Duo could feel his skin burning under Heero's touch, but didn't pull away. He was right, he hadn't told him every inch of his past and it was unfair to hold Heero to that high standard.

“Alright,” he agreed, “then make me that promise.”

“I will, if you make me one,” Heero bargained, “promise me that you won't run away again. Promise me, that if you're in pain or lonely or just need to get something off your chest, you'll talk to someone, anyone, instead of bolting without so much as a word or note.”

Duo smiled softly at him, making Heero's chest clench happily.

“I'm too tired for running anymore, I promise.”

“Then I promise, too,” Heero said, “Come on, Quatre's been missing you, too.”

Duo felt a biting emptiness in his stomach and heart when Heero let go of his hand to stand and walk towards the door, but when he looked back at him with another reassuring smile, the pleasant, almost maddening warmth, returned.

 

 

 

Almost as if he had psychically known Heero and Duo had been talking about him, or perhaps he had simply heard their twin foot steps as they had approached his room, Quatre popped out of his room, beaming as he saw Duo.

“Duo!” he squealed, hugging the other boy tightly. Duo grunted, but tried his hardest not to flinch.

“Oh, thank goodness you're alright! We were so worried!” the blonde cried. Duo looked over his shoulder and saw Trowa peeking out into the hallway with an amused expression.

“So, do I win anything for finding Duo first?” he asked in good humor. Quatre released the longhaired boy to scold his lover for making the joke, but stopped at the sound of Duo's sharp laughter.

“That's not funny, Trowa,” Heero grumbled.

“I think it is,” Duo quipped. Heero rolled his eyes, realizing that Trowa's dry humor was very similar to Duo's, but less rare. Quatre took a calming moment to examine Duo and frowned.

“You look a bit peaked,” he murmured, pressing his pale hand to Duo's forehead, which did make him flinch.

“And you're warm,” Quatre worried.

“It's just a cold,” Duo insisted, but Quatre and Heero shared a concerned look.

“Mom has a thermometer,” Heero said, leading Duo over to the steps. Duo sighed loudly and Trowa clapped him on the back.

“Bear through it,” he advised, “you were off your meds for two days. It's probably just a cold, but we need to be sure.”

“Fine,” Duo said with another sigh.

“You look like you have a fever,” Heero said, “You could have the flu.”
“It's a cold!” Duo argued, but followed him downstairs to the kitchen.

 

 

 

“Well, it's the flu, isn't it?” Heero asked anxiously as his mother looked at the thermometer. Duo was sitting in one of the kitchen chairs, Shiva and Sammy happily curled up in his lap, glad that their master was finally home. Duo stroked their backs and struggled to not roll his eyes at Heero's over protectiveness. He still wasn't used to people being so worried about him, though it felt kind of nice, it was also slightly annoying.

“99.8,” Name read, looking at Duo with a mother's eye, “A slight fever, sore throat, fatigue… sounds like a cold. Now that you're back on your medicine and someplace warm, you'll feel better, I'm sure.”

Duo stuck his tongue out at Heero who grumbled incoherently. Name gave Duo an anxious, sad look.

“Honey, I hate to tell you this,” she said hesitantly, her eyes wandering to the two cats on his lap, “but Toby found out how to open your window and he got out. We can't find him.”

She had been dreading having this conversation with Duo, especially so soon after his return and how unlikely it was to find a missing cat in a city of their size, but Duo smiled brightly at her.

“Actually, he just followed me when I ran away. He's hiding in my room somewhere right now,” he told her. Name breathed in relief.

“Well, that's good news,” she said, “Dinner's almost ready, so why don't you just relax.”

Duo nodded as the other three boys sat next to him at the table and he watched as Name went over to the oven to check on the fish. She was the closest thing to a mother he had ever had and his love for her was powerful enough that her acceptance of his feelings made him want to cry in relief. He hadn't had many female influences. Amaaya had always been a good friend, but they had never gotten to see each other very much and now she was long gone and, though he did care for his female teachers like Une and Hilde, he had never been terribly close to them. How could he have when he had been lying to them for so long? Compared to Name, well, there was no comparison. Name had gotten him out of the biggest darkness he had ever known. His life now was brighter and so new to him. She had cared for him, seen him as a human being where so many other adults hadn't. There had only been one other woman that had gained his affections and had treated him as an equal. It was ironic that he saw the two women as so similar when they were really so different.

 

 

 

 

//Ten years ago….

 

 

 

It was the rain that woke him up, not the flashes of lightning or the roaring thunder, just the feeling of freezing rain on his face and the fact that a puddle was forming underneath his body. He rolled over, sitting with his back against the dark cement of the alley wall, out of the puddle. Not that it did him any good, his clothes were soaked through, giving absolutely no warmth or shelter to his sickeningly thin body. Duo shuddered violently, curling up against the wall, his tiny body incapable of stopping its shivers. His stomach was so hollow, it was actually causing him pain. He wiped at the water that was dripping from his bangs into his eyes. He had spent all of yesterday scrounging for food, but fate was never kind to street kids and all he had to show for it was a chunk of stale bread the size of his fist and a pair of battered sneakers that were on his feet. He had collapsed sometime last night from the hunger, his hands protecting the small morsel, even in sleep. He couldn't remember the last time he had eaten, but he was too scared to now. The scariest thing was being hungry and not having any food. Still, he felt weak and he knew that he had to eat to gain enough strength to go look for more food. It was a never ending cycle, one that he knew he would be facing his entire life. He shuddered again. Usually, he loved the shelter his long hair gave him, but now it stuck to his skin and made the cold even more unbearable.

Through a brilliant flash of lightning, Duo saw two teenaged boys approach him, dressed in jeans jackets with tears on the sleeves. The white cloth tied around their left arms, over the jackets told him that they were in a gang and looking for trouble, but he felt too tired and weak to try to run. They would probably catch him anyway, he reasoned, so he stayed still, trying to cause as few problems as possible, hoping that they would leave him alone. When they stood in front of him, grinning twin grins, he realized that he wasn't that lucky. The five year old's violet eyes honed in on the switch blade that one of them was carrying.

“What are you doing out in this rain, sweetheart?” the taller boy with a scar over his left temple asked in a falsely kind voice.

“It's a boy,” the other said in disappointment.

“Whatever. They all look the same to me.”

In a flash, the boy with the scar had the switchblade pressed to Duo's thin throat.

“Here's the deal, runt, give us your food, money if ya got it, and those shoes, too,” he added, eyeing Duo's newly acquired sneakers. Duo realized that the boys were too young to be high up in the ranks of any gang and had probably needed to steal to survive, especially when pickings became slim, like they were now. Duo felt the sharpness of the knife, but just like how his hunger had made him too weak to run, it had also made him too stubborn and annoyed to yield to the two boys.

“No,” he snapped, trying to hide his food in his shirt and tucking his feet under his body to save his shoes.

“Git yer own! These'r mine!”

The tall boy snarled and grabbed Duo by his ratty white t-shirt.

“Look, brat, we're being nice and were gonna let you keep yer clothes, but if your going to be a little shit, ya don't deserve those. Now, stay still, I don't want any of yer rat blood on my new shoes,” the boy said through angry, clenched teeth. Duo felt a sharp sting as the blade bit into his neck and a small stream of blood trickled amongst the rain water. It wasn't any worse than a paper cut, but the sudden warmth on his skin was startling.

“What are you doing?! Get away from him!” a soft voice demanded in shock. All three boys looked down the alley at a lone woman, her blue eyes staring at the teenagers, her arms filled with paper bags. With her golden hair shimmering in the rain and her skin pale, but healthy looking, Duo thought she looked like one of the angels he sometimes saw in the glass windows of the near by church. She was thin, dainty looking in a beautiful way, though she wasn't very short, she just looked fragile, like blown glass that the shop keepers sold did. Even with a small switch blade knife, the two boys could have easily taken her down, but Duo knew they wouldn't put up a fight. They were vultures, looking for the half dead so they wouldn't have to do any work. Sure enough, as soon as they finally realized that they had been caught, the boys fled, shoving past the blonde woman. She stumbled, her burden making it difficult for her to be very agile but she didn't seem to give the other boys much thought as she rushed to Duo's side. She put the bags down and knelt to inspect the child she had just saved. The gold cross she wore around her neck reflected the light from one of the jolts of lightning, making Duo wince. He had lived in the shadows for too long and wasn't used to the light. It wasn't like he had ever had a choice. Rats like him had to live in the dark, where no one would notice them. Getting noticed was a bad thing.

“Oh, you poor little thing!” the woman said in a sweet tone, her fingers gently checking the tiny cut. Duo watched her with wide eyes, not used to being touched at all, let alone so kindly and he expected her to leave him at any second, but her sad eyes never left him as she took in his slight shaking and terrible thinness.

“Are you alright? Did they hurt you?” she asked, brushing his dirty, unkempt bangs from his equally dirty face. She seemed frozen in place by the sight of his brilliant violet eyes compared to his skin darkened by dirt and old sweat that would take more than some rain water to wash away.

Duo shook his head, his voice stuck in his throat. His heart tightened when the worried look dissipated into a beautiful smile.

“You must be hungry, sweetheart. Would you like something to eat?” she asked, placing her soft hand over his smaller one. Duo watched the woman warily. He knew, better than anyone, that no one that had something you needed could be trusted and food was never free. There was always a price and it was those that never told you what that price was that you had to look out for.

Two months ago, a street vendor had handed out free oranges to all the street kids. He had taken one, too, and it had tasted so wonderfully sweet, but it had started to hurt his stomach after a few minutes. Fortunately, he had spotted another boy, not as lucky as him, convulsing and had realized what was going on. He had forced himself to throw up the poisoned fruit, only ending up with a very bad stomachache and a life long fear of oranges, but most of the other children had died. What remained with him, more than anything, was the obviousness of the act. No one had come to their aids and the vendor had never been arrested. Duo was sure that the man would have been if one of the `normal' children had accidentally eaten some of the poison, but that hadn't happened. According to the law and order of the world, the man had done nothing wrong. So, when the strange woman took a cooked chicken that you could buy at one of the grocery stores nearby out of one of the bags, at the same time his body almost shook with the mere smell of it, he didn't make a go for it. He stayed rooted to the spot, watching her distrustfully. His violet eyes widened as she opened the container and took out a small chunk of steaming meat, chewing on it. He realized that it wasn't poisoned, it couldn't be unless the woman was completely insane, but he wasn't willing to trust her. She sat next to him and continued to chew on the chicken.

“Want some? It's fresh,” she pressed when Duo didn't make a move for the food. He looked like an alley cat, eyeing the food, but staying still, waiting for her to make the first move. When was the last time he had had fresh meat, Duo wondered. He couldn't remember ever having it, actually.

“Why you giving it ta me?” he asked cautiously. The woman smiled at him.

“Because you look like you need the food. That's my job, to help out people in need.”

Duo snorted.

“Ain't much good will `round here,” he said gruffly.

“I can see that,” she nodded, “but that's even more of a reason for people like me. All of these people don't want to help, so someone needs to. My name's Sister Helen, what's yours?”

Duo narrowed his eyes at her, his hands and stomach itching to grab the chicken and make a run for it. The scent of food had given him new found energy but he was still too tired to try to run and he felt bad about stealing from someone who was trying to help him. Guilt was a new thing for him. Being a street rat, he had gotten used to things not being fair and having to disregard such feelings just to survive. Also, he had learned to distrust people with religion. He had never had such blind faith and he doubted that he ever would, but people who did seemed to use those beliefs as a shield and a reason to do whatever they pleased. If `God' said it was ok, it had to be so. To Duo, religion and law were the same, neither were fair, but you couldn't fight against them.

“You don't look like a nun,” he accused, taking in her long blonde curls that fell heavily and thick down her shoulders, her navy raincoat, dark slacks, and red sweater, pointedly ignoring her question about his name. Helen chuckled a little.

“I don't wear my habit all the time, little one, especially in weather like this,” she said, smiling affectionately as the boy's nose scrunched cutely at the nickname.

“What is your name, unless you'd like me to continue calling you `little one'?” she teased. The nun watched the boy relax little by little as they talked and how he kept looking back at the chicken with deep yearning. Duo thought about it, the whole name thing. He had never known if he had ever had a name. Such things were mysteries to him and he tried not to dwell on them for very long. He had always kept to himself and had had no use for names. There was no one around in his life to address him. There were probably people out there that would see such lack of labels and identity frightening, but he had never felt that way. Even with a name, he felt just as lost, just as much of a `nobody' as he had beforehand. “Duo” he had gotten from a scrap of a magazine. He had no idea what the word meant, but it was as good as any other to him. He had only picked it because it had been such a huge accomplishment for him. He had stared at that damn paper for hours, experimentally trying to say the word out loud and when he had finally managed it, it had felt overwhelming. He had read something, without anyone's help but his own. It had seemed somehow fitting that he take the word as his own.

“Duo,” he murmured. He was surprised when she appeared to accept that. Could the word he have picked up be an acceptable name or was the woman imply so tolerant that he could have given her any word and she would have believed that that was his name?

“Well, Duo, I was on my way to give all this to one of the shelters,” she explained.

“Then why are you offering it to me?” Duo blurted out. He watched her carefully as she soothed back his soaked bangs, but he let her do it, despite his fear.

“Because, at least this way, I know for sure some of this food is going to someone who desperately needs it,” she said in a mournful voice. Helen tore off a large chunk of the chicken and offered the steaming meat to the child.

It had been a very long time since Duo had eaten hot food and it tasted so good, so strong, that his thin stomach wanted to reject it at first, but sinking his teeth into the chicken also gave him a strange sort of pleasure and he couldn't stop eating until it was all gone, even though eating so much so quick was giving him stomach cramps. When more food was presented to him, he didn't even take the time to look and see what it was before chewing and swallowing it down. He realized in that moment that he really didn't care if the food was poisoned or why the nun would share the delicious feast with him, or even if he threw it all up later, in that moment, everything tasted so good, his hands were shaking with it.

Helen quickly seemed to realize that the boy would eat anything put in front of him and a deep sadness filled her eyes as she started to slow down the amount she gave him, knowing that he hadn't eaten in a long time and would get sick easily. She watched in astonishment as the little boy ate the food like a wild animal would, viciously and with no knowledge of manners or pace. Sadness shone in her eyes at the child's fate, to always be hungry and lonely, abandoned by a world that had promised to take care of him, but easily forgot such promises when there was work to be done. Duo noticed her staring at him and quickly finished what was in his hands, a piece of banana.

“Thank you,” he said in a small voice. Those words were as alien to him as the woman's affectionate touching. He had never actually said them before, had never been in the presence of someone who needed to be thanked. Very few people had wanted to help him and those that did, did it quickly, their eyes averted as they rushed off, as though they were ashamed of giving him any aid.

“You're welcome,” Helen said, her kind smile replacing her wide-eyed look of shock. She looked like she wanted to say something else to him, offer something, but with a pained expression, she refrained from it.

“Duo, do you see the church from here?” she asked, pointing above the alley walls. Duo nodded. Even in the dark, there were some lights near the church and he could see the top of the building.

“That's where I work,” she told him, “My home. If you're ever in trouble, go there, ok? There are people who can help you.”

Duo saw the desperation in her eyes and that urge to say something else that something held her back from voicing and he nodded.

“Ok,” he agreed. He doubted he would do it, but there was some deeply buried part of him that was glad he could make her feel better. He watched her gather her bags and felt an intense worry for the attractive woman.

“Are you sure you'll be safe?” he asked, finally finding the energy to stand. Helen patted the child's head.

“I'll be fine, sweetheart,” she assured him, but when she left the alley, Duo was sure that he would never see her again.

 

 

 

 

The next night proved Duo's instincts wrong, however. The night was just as cool as the previous one, but though dark clouds littered the sky, there was no rain. With the first full stomach he had had in months, Duo took the time to rifle through dumpsters and trash cans, but came back to his little alley empty handed. He knew that he should probably move on. It was never a good idea to stay in the same place for very long, but he hadn't spotted the boys from the night before, and he had hoped against all odds and instinct, that he would see Helen again, so he had stayed put in the little alley. Still, when Helen did show up, he was shocked. This time, she not only showed up with food, home made vegetable soup this time, but also a warm blanket and a book with pictures of animals and places he had never seen. After they shared a meal together, she read to him, her sweet voice almost like a lullaby and he struggled to stay awake. She left after a few hours, kissing his forehead and saying she would see him again tomorrow. As he curled up in his new blanket, he thought that he wouldn't doubt that this time. He felt both safe and vulnerable with the blanket, realizing that he now had something to lose, something that was valuable to him, and such a thing wasn't so good for a kid in his position, but he welcomed the warmth just as he had all the other kindnesses the woman had given him.

Every night for two weeks, Helen came into his alley with food and books, reading out loud to him. For Duo, it was a strange relationship. He didn't consider the things she brought him gifts because it was a part of her job, but how could he not love her for her kindness? It was her job, but she had picked him, specifically, to help. Each time she visited, he could tell she wanted to take him back with her, but she never asked out loud, which Duo was grateful for. One thing he couldn't stand to see in her blue eyes was pity. She clearly thought he was incapable of surviving on his own, which made him feel weak and small. Besides, it was a little belittling. He had lived on his own, survived with the help of no one for years. Someone like Helen would never understand the ways of the street, how its hardness could make little boys turn into men in only a day. It took away their humanity and all sense of civilization but it gave them an incredible strength in return. He didn't want to go back with her because of a strange spark of pride. He had thought he had no such feelings, after all, he had nothing to be proud of. He trusted her as much as any street kid could trust someone, but he could never find the words to ask if she wanted him to go with her. He wasn't sure if he wanted that, anyway, beyond putting faith in a woman that would never understand him. He had walked by the large church where she worked many times, but had never dared to step inside. “Good Christians” might claim that their god loved all of them, but even he understood that someone like him would never be welcome in there. Still, he felt a bit bad for causing his new friend so much guilt, just because she felt the need to help him, something that he believed no one could do if they ever wanted to. But, he liked talking to her. She eased his deep rooted loneliness, as well as the equally deep physical hunger and chill. He had gotten used to her presence and companionship, even if they could never understand each other.

 

 

 

 

One night, Helen came into the alley and Duo knew in an instant that something was wrong. The nun was usually smiling kindly at him, her eyes bright and her head held high in unconscious strength and pride, but that night she appeared shaken, some sort of uncertain fear in her deep blue eyes. She even seemed to be paler, almost on the verge of tears, but she handed him his meal as though nothing was wrong. Duo was used to keeping his darker feelings where they were, in the dark. That was the way of being homeless and futureless, you had to hide your feelings and become a pillar of strength, or become prey to everyone else. That was especially true to someone as young and small as Duo. However he knew that people like Helen weren't like that, so he was surprised that she didn't come right out and say it. He finished his food and gave her his undivided attention. In the mere two weeks he had known her, she had given him adventure and wonder in the books she read to him and a stability and energy to face each day, not with a wonder that he was still alive, but that he had expected the sun to rise for him in the morning with the meals she had brought him. He had never eaten so regularly, or so well, in his life and he constantly struggled not to get used to it, forcing himself to continue scavenging just in case Helen stopped showing up. He didn't know what he would miss more, the food, the books, or her company.

“Little one, do you know those boys that threatened you before?” Helen asked, her eyes full of a frantic fear that Duo was familiar with seeing on the faces of new street kids, those that still had a concept of what was fair, slowly realizing that horrible things could happen to them, too. He shook his head. To him, those boys were just carbon copies of every gang member he had ever come across, using fear and violence to combat the same things that plagued them, just animals howling in the dark, thinking that it would make a difference, thinking something in the dark would acknowledge them, would answer them back so they didn't have to be alone anymore. The whole world was like that, doing terrible things to each other for some sense of `power'. Duo had given up on that a long time ago. What was the point of howling when the world was going to stay dark and lonely? Yes, he had seen others with those white cloths over their arms and he knew that gang was fairly large, but that was the extent of his knowledge. He didn't know the name or anything else.

Helen seemed to deflate when Duo had nothing to tell her, that fear deepening on her face.

“What's wrong?” Duo asked, curious about what could have her so scared.

“Oh, it's nothing,” Helen said with a smile, but Duo could see her anxiety underneath and knew she was lying. He watched her gnaw on her lip indecisively before speaking again.

“Duo, there's something I want you to have,” she said in a soft, but determined voice and he followed her fingers with wide eyes as the nun unclasped the golden chain that held her cross.

“I-I can't…” he said, feeling small and pathetic as the gold of the cross gleamed in the dim light. He wasn't an idiot, he knew that the cross was much more than a symbol of her faith and that it was the most important thing she owned. The way her fingers blindly searched for it every time she was nervous or unsure spoke to him of a life spent using the piece of gold as a kind of security blanket. That she had ever thought to give something so precious to someone like him was unthinkable. Helen ignored his choked words, re-clasping the chain around the small boy's neck. The gold felt warm on his skin from her wearing it, but also felt wrong to him, the polished gold on his dirty body.

“You can and you will,” Helen insisted with a loving smile that made something warm throb inside of Duo's chest. He caught the way her fingers hesitated to leave the cross, even though she had a justified expression on her pretty face.

“That cross has been in my family for over five generations,” she told him, “My grandmother gave it to my mother and my mother gave it to me to give to my children.”

“Then why are you giving it to me?!” Duo asked in exasperation, unable to follow her logic. How could she ever consider him a child of hers? Why couldn't she ever see his worthlessness when everyone else could? Helen's smile turned deeply sad, almost devastated.

“I've known for awhile now that I can't have children,” she said and Duo could see the tears in her eyes, her terrible need for something she could never have, but she didn't let them fall, “even conceiving is impossible for my body. I never blamed God for making me that way. Instead of becoming bitter about it, I decided to dedicate my life to taking care of others, to sharing God's miracle of life in a different way. I became a nun and I met you,” her light blue eyes looked into his violet ones, “You're a sweet boy, Duo, and I want you to know that God will always be there for you. He loves you just as much as I do and he will protect you. You're the closest thing to a son I've ever had and I want you to know that, though things look bad now, God does love you,” Helen tried to assure him, but didn't feel any such feelings at her words.

“I've never believed in God and if He does exist, I hate him,” Duo said bitterly. Instead of getting angry, Helen smiled softly and patted his head.

“That doesn't matter,” she said with a shake of her head, “He loves you, even if you don't believe in Him.”

Duo wanted to snort at her blissful ignorance, but decided that that would be too rude, even for him.

“I have to go, honey, but I'll see you tomorrow, ok?” she kissed his forehead.

“Bye,” he said softly as she left his little hidey-hole. There was some dark intuition that made him disbelieve he would see her tomorrow, but he dismissed it as his usual pessimism. After all, after their first meeting, he had been sure that he would never see her again, but in the end, she had always come back.

 

 

 

Duo didn't know if it was his instincts or the fear he remembered seeing in Sister Helen's eyes, but when she didn't come by the following night, he had decided to stop by the church the next day. He couldn't deny that he was worried about the only person that had showed him kindness, the closest he had ever had to a mother, and he was even considering going inside the church, just to check on her.

The constant meals had done wonders for Duo's physical and mental state. During the day, he was still hungry, but he hadn't felt the gnawing fear of uncertainty for awhile and he liked that. He felt shallow thinking it, but he realized that if anything happened to Helen, that feeling would be back and he would be all alone again. His fear curled and pulsed inside of him as a very obvious fact occurred to him: he couldn't see the church steeple, even as he walked closer and closer to where the church was. It was broad daylight, too, but he couldn't see it. Also, as he got closer, the streets became deserted and he couldn't figure out why. There was dark fog or smoke in the air that made it hard to breathe, but he simply broke out into a run, not stopping until he reached the church, his heart pounding in his chest. He knew what was happening as soon as he ran, long before he reached the building. It wasn't the missing steeple or even the many fire trucks and cop cars parked along the street, it was a dark, foreboding feeling deep down inside.

If it weren't for the shattered, colored shards of glass on the ground, he wouldn't have known the mess had once been the church. Only a few pieces still were discernable, the rest was too charred to be recognized as glass unless you were looking very closely. Splintered wood, burnt metal, and stone littered the site that had been taped off by the police. Unconsciously, Duo gripped at the golden cross he was wearing. His heart pounded harshly in his chest, the sound ringing in his ears. The smell was horrifying, like rot and cooked meat together. Suddenly, he realized what the firemen were doing there when the fire had only died. They were looking for bodies.

“The cops are saying that some kids started it, but it was probably White Fang. They must have done something to piss that group off to burn down a Church, and on a Sunday mass, no less!” Duo heard one fireman say to the other as they stood by one of the trucks, drinking from steaming Styrofoam cups. Neither of the men noticed the little boy standing near them, looking at the ruins with dead, haunted eyes.

“Damn kids,” the other man grumbled, “What in the hell is this world coming to?”

Duo drowned out the rest of the conversation. He didn't bother asking them if anyone had survived, he already knew what answer they would give him. He wasn't smart and he didn't know much, but he knew that the kind of heat and force that would char everything it touched and made glass explode wouldn't leave anyone alive. He didn't dare make his presence known to the firemen or cops, anyway. A street kid hanging around a burnt down church, he was sure they would think he was a part of White Fang and arrest him on the spot. It wouldn't matter what he said or how old he was, he was just another street rat and they would probably never let him see the sunlight again.

Duo felt like a ghost, leaving the gravesite of the woman who had given him so much and who knew how many others, with no one noticing him coming and going. It was better that way, he told himself, but it still made him feel small and pathetic. As he walked back to his alley, Duo tried to cry for Helen, but the tears wouldn't come. He just felt numb and empty, down to his soul. Just one more person that had left him alone. He was sure that that was his fate, to live and die alone with few happy memories to take with him. Well, the tears of a street rat for a dead nun, whose last name he had never known, were pretty useless anyway.

 

 

 

Duo couldn't sleep. There was a deep, ever lasting numbness in his stomach that hurt to think about and he was too scared to close his eyes, knowing that he was going to dream of Helen. He wanted to pack up his blanket and the little bit of food he had stashed away and leave his alley, but some odd fear kept him from doing that. In the dark, all alone with the smell of burnt flesh still with him, he discovered that he finally had the ability to cry over his friend's death, but now he realized that he didn't have the luxury of such emotions. He wanted to release all of his darkness, but he instead forced them down, deep inside of his gut where they were less threatening, but even more painful. Emotions were useless to him, all that mattered were survival. Tears wouldn't get food in his belly or find him some place warm to stay. Still, it was even harder burying his grief for Helen than anything else. He had never lost anyone before. He didn't like the feeling a bit, but he didn't think that you were supposed to like it. He was suddenly glad he had never had friends before Helen. If friendship meant you had to feel like a chunk of yourself had been ripped away, he didn't want nay friends. But… he had loved how having someone had felt. That was why it hurt so much now, that intense loneliness. It felt terrible, knowing that he would have to sit in the dark all by himself. It scared him, always had, at the same time that it was a relief. He wasn't some whiny little kid, he knew that there were no such things as bogeymen, it was people he had to look out for, but it had still been nice to hear another's kind voice every so often. He could feel his hunger eating him alive inside, giving him a hollow feeling and a pounding headache, but he found that he didn't really care about his body or his physical needs. Was this what it felt like to have your heart broken, this thick apathy and the urge to hit something, but the black hole inside of you draining all your energy, so all you could do was stare and think of how much it hurt? Helen had been the last good thing in his life, the only thing worth living for. The only one who had seen him as a fellow human being. He hoped that he died soon enough that he would never risk forgetting her.

Duo wanted to feel rage at White Fang. No matter what Helen's Church had done, they had taken away the best of this stupid little town. Sure, she hadn't understood him, but for the first time in his life, when he was with her, he didn't feel like trash and they had killed her. Every street kid that had the resources to last more than a month knew who and what White Fang was. They took in street kids and homeless, anyone that was desperate. They claimed they could help where the government had failed, but everyone that went to the gang came out whores, murderers, drug dealers, worse, or all of the above. To Duo, they were just very dangerous bullies masquerading as a `family'. They killed and tore down anything that could become a threat to their power and what they couldn't stop, they paid off. He wanted to be furious at them, but that would only bring up a desire for justice, something that he knew didn't exist and even if it did, it wasn't for someone like him. Besides, there was someone else with much more power than him doing the job themselves. Duo didn't know how gang politics worked, but there were rumors that a man leading a very small group of pimps, whores, and drug dealers was taking White Fang down, one member at a time. The thing was, White Fang's numbers were disappearing, though Duo didn't know how one man could take down such a huge gang, nor did he care as long as he was left alone.

His small, pale hand clutched at the gold cross, the pain from the edges digging into his skin comforting as the rest of him refused to feel anything. It was all that he had left from her and he knew for a fact that he didn't deserve to wear it, but if he didn't keep this little piece of her, who would? If he took it off, it was like she had never existed. She had had a family once, but he didn't know them, he knew her, and he didn't want to forget her kindness even for second. She had told him that her God would love him, no matter what, but that was a lie. Standing in the cold, smelly alley he had called home for so many weeks, devoid of light, warmth, or any sort of comfort, he certainly didn't feel loved. He just felt alone and forgotten. Before, he had thought that, if there was a God, it wasn't for poor people like him. If there was a God, he certainly didn't love him, He had forgotten that he existed. But now, he didn't believe in that anymore. Now, he knew there was no God. Helen's faith had been so pure, so strong, and she had burned alive for it. Where had her God been at that moment? No, there was no one, he believed that as strongly as Helen had believed in a loving God. There was no one who loved them, there was no one to protect them, they couldn't even protect each other, or themselves.

 

 

 

Despite the emotional trauma of losing the only human attachment he had ever had, despite feeling too sick inside to eat or drink or even move one step out of his alley, Duo didn't sleep that night or the next. He was too apathetic and too scared to sleep. The next two days washed over him in a fog of hunger and emotional misery. Deep down inside, he knew that he was committing a terrible sort of suicide, but he couldn't find the ability to care. The first emotion he felt outside of his daze came the next night, two days after he had found the destroyed church and he had experienced the feeling of grief for the first time in his short life.

He was wide awake when he heard footsteps approach him. He didn't know who it was and he didn't care. Intense rage filled him like he had never felt before. Why couldn't the world leave him alone? Hadn't it done enough to him?! For some reason, he wasn't surprised to see that the two gang boys that had tried to steal from him before were the ones to interrupt his mourning. However, this time there were five of them, instead of just two, all of them wearing white clothes on their arms. Duo's violet eyes narrowed at them as something just occurred to him. Supposedly, no one knew who the members of the White Fang were, yet there were rumors that they all wore white. He wasn't a moron, he could put two and two together. Helen's church had invaded White Fang's territory and had interfered in their business. He doubted that Helen's saving him had been the last straw, but what if it had? What if he was the reason that his friend was dead? What if all those people's deaths had been his fault? It was easy to combine his hatred for himself and his hatred for the gang. He glared up at the tallest of the five, a tall, pale man in his late twenties or early thirties with cold, light blue eyes and short, grungy hair that would have been a silver-white if it wasn't so dirty. His anger filled him at the man's knowing smirk and he let it control him only seconds ago, he had been too weak to move, but his fury gave him new found strength to give the man a vicious kick to his knee, as high as he could reach.

Duo was too small and emaciated to give the attack much force, but the man grunted in pain and stumbled, making Duo believe he could actually escape the situation. The other four were keeping their distance and looked shocked at his actions. He had thought, not all that long ago, that he couldn't feel anger at White Fang, but the numbness inside of him had ebbed and returned as mad fury. He knew he didn't stand a chance against them, but that one sound of pain had felt good. If he was going to be killed by these people, he decided he was going to do it like an animal, fighting for his life. He rolled his tiny body under the white-haired man's legs easily, but wasn't quick enough to dodge his large hand as it grabbed his arm. The man's strength was startling as he pinned Duo to the wall. The child's wide violet eyes looked up into the man's sharp blue ones. He was shocked and a little bit annoyed to find no anger there, just amusement. The large hand was firm and strong on his arm and kept him pinned there on the wall like a bug as the white-haired man gestured to the scarred boy Duo had met last time. Duo glared at the boy as he grabbed the blanket from the ground. His attention was brought back to the leader as he lightly smacked Duo's cheek.

“Now, that wasn't very nice, honey, didn't yer momma ever tell you to respect your elders? What did you think you were gonna do? If yer pretty lady friend were still alive, she'd tell ya it's useless to fight against us,” the man grinned darkly as Duo froze, looking at him with a deep hatred no five year old should know, “I should know, I'm the one barbequed the bitch like raw steak.”

The blue eyes man laughed as Duo screamed at him in fury and thrashed against him. His fighting increased as White Fang's leader grabbed Helen's gold cross and ripped it from his neck. His nails dug into the man's arm and he bit him hard, but he only chuckled at the child's efforts.

“Now, now, don't fret. We'll put this little trinket to good use. I'm sure the blonde bitch would have approved. She was all about charity, right?”

Duo kicked him in the stomach, fury turning him nearly mindless, but the element of surprise was gone and the man didn't even flinch.

`No!' Duo thought over and over again. Why? Why did they have to take everything that mattered to him? Why couldn't they just take his wretched, worthless life and just be done with it?! He had let her down… she had given him the most important thing to her and he had lost it in only a few days. Suddenly, the man released him and Duo fell to the ground in a heap. His anger told him to get up and attack the man, to get the cross back, no matter what they did to him, but he didn't. He curled up on the cold, filthy ground and felt tears prickle his eyes. He felt the gang walk past him.

“Take care, kid. We'll find each other again real soon,” the leader taunted, laughing as they left he boy alone again. Duo shuddered, curling up tighter. It didn't matter, none if it mattered. He had been born alone and he would die alone, too. Anyone who cared about him would just leave. He couldn't even hold on to one little necklace, let alone a friend. Surviving day to day… it was all pointless. What was he living for when someone beautiful and ambitious like Sister Helen had to die? What was the fucking point in that?!

He lied there in his own miserable corner of the alley, refusing to move for sometime before he heard someone run to his aid. He squeezed his eyes shut. The last person that had tried to help him, he had gotten killed. He didn't want anyone's help. Why couldn't he just be left alone?

“Hey there, little one,” a deep voice said close by to him. Duo had lived long enough to tell when people were lying and the man's voice was just… wrong. Underneath his supposed tone of kindness was something else, something wrong, something that the five year old couldn't quite place. The underlying tone made something inside him tell him to run away, as fast as he could, but he suddenly, unexpectedly, felt like a moth being drawn to a flame and looked up into cold grey eyes. Just like a moth caught in a flame, he knew the moment their eyes met that he shouldn't, but he couldn't stop himself. For a brief, terrible moment, Duo saw the man's blonde hair and thought of Sister Helen, but the moment passed quickly. He didn't like lumping her in with that man, though he wasn't sure why. The blonde man was daunting with his size and cold eyes, Duo realizing that he could rip him in half with no effort at all, but he let him help him to his feet. The man eyed the bruises on the boy's knees and arm, but there was something else besides concern in those shale eyes, something that made his stomach both flutter and squirm, something that gave him goose bumps and turned his blood ice cold.

“Who did this to you?” the man asked.

“White Fang,” the words slipped from Duo's lips like a dirty secret, but he didn't care. What could this man do about it anyway? But there was some strange, terrible power in his eyes, a strength that made him more wary of the man than he was of White Fang.

The man smiled, but it was more predatory than reassuring.

“You won't have to worry about them for much longer,” the blonde said, ruffling the child's hair and making him flinch. Duo could see the truth in his expression, but instead of being comforted, he felt a chill of fear go down his spine. //

 

 

 

 

Something deep down in Duo's heart that he had hidden for years tore and broke as he thought of Sister Helen for the first time in ten years. His breath hitched and he struggled to contain his tears, but he was shocked to find that he couldn't, not after all that time. After locking his memories of her to the back of his mind, they seemed sharp and fresh. He had locked his memories of her away, like she was a dirty secret, like he was ashamed of her. He hated himself for that. He had so few good memories, but he had pushed hers as far away as he could, simply because it was so painful. He had killed her just like White Fang had. Helen had only had the Church and… him. Her parents had died long before he had met her and once the Church had burned down. Duo had remained the only person who remembered her. If he forgot her… it was like she was not only dead, but that she had never existed to begin with. How could he have not remembered her kindness? So much like Name, only… Name didn't pity him. She respected his strength, but she was still kind and loving, the only mother he had ever had. If she died like Helen had… he didn't think he could survive that. He didn't want to survive that. Just thinking of Name dying created a ripping pain in his chest. Duo flinched as something wet ran over his hand and looked down to see Sammy looking up at him with piercing golden eyes.

“Duo? Are you ok?” Quatre asked in a soft voice as he got up out of his chair. Duo looked up at him and blushed as he realized that everyone was looking at him worriedly. He hastily brushed away his tears, knowing that he probably looked like a lunatic. Even before he opened his mouth, a hundred different lies came to him and he paused. What was the point in lying to his family? He couldn't come up with a single reason. He absently stroked Sammy's pointed ears to calm him down, as well as himself.

“When I was five years old, living on the streets, I met this woman, a nun. I didn't know her for very long, a few months, but every night she would bring me food and we became friends. She and her Church rubbed a local gang that used to run in this city the wrong way. They called themselves White Fang and up until nine years ago, most of this town lived in fear of them until the entire gang was killed off by rival drug dealers. They burnt down her church, killing her and everyone inside. Back then, she had been the only one to ever care about me and I took her death hard. Talking with Trowa today, I realized that I've been burying my memories in order to cope, not just now, because I wanted to be normal, but my whole life. I never wanted to forget her,” Duo admitted softly, “It was the worst thing I could have done, forgetting her and now I'm afraid of what else I'll remember.”

As the rest of them listened to Duo's story with wide eyes, Heero stood next to his best friend and squeezed his shoulder.

“I'm sorry, but I'm glad you had someone to care for you back then, even if it was only for a brief period of time,” Heero said. Duo nodded absently. Name broke out of her shock. She could roll the facts of Duo's terrible childhood around in her head all day and she still wouldn't be able to change anything. `I'm sorry' didn't seem to be the right thing to say.

“Dinner's ready. Cats away from the table, Duo,” she said. Duo smiled back at her and gently nudged Sammy and Shiva off of him. He didn't want to think about what other, more unpleasant memories he had buried in the back of his mind. He just wanted to eat and enjoy the time that he had with his friends and family because if there was one thing that he did remember from the early year of his childhood, it was that you could loose everything in a single second and he didn't want to lose the people that he had close to him now.

As they sat down to dinner, there were thoughts circling in the darkness of his mind, over and over. He knew things now, or at least was fairly sure of them, that he had never known as a child. He knew that the man that had helped him to his feet had been Wes, that that was their first, real meeting, he was very sure of that. He was fairly sure that Wes had had a hand in, or possibly been mostly responsible, in the disbanding of the White Fang. He had insinuated that and it wouldn't have been the first time that the man had resorted to murder to get what he wanted. Lastly, and of this he was more sure than anything, Wes had been with him for almost his entire life. Wes wasn't going to leave it so quickly, or easily.

 

 

 

End Part 3