Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Road to Kindness ❯ Surgery Part 5 ( Chapter 12 )

The Road to Kindness

 

Chapter 7

Part 5

 

 

The others were waiting for them by the exit, looking impatient and annoyed, though even Duo could tell that it wasn't directed at them. Quatre brightened as he saw his green-eyed lover, but didn't say anything about what had just happened, as though it were an unspoken agreement.

“So, what did you do to them?” Trowa broke the silence, looking at Heero. Duo struggled to contain his laughter at the question. He could imagine Heero leaping over the table as soon as they left, strangling either the wife or the husband. He realized that that thought wasn't fair, Heero was a very physical person, but he wasn't always violent, he just had a hard time controlling his emotions. It was true, there were times when Heero's actions scared him, but he couldn't help feeling that way. It was a twisted sort of empathy, he knew exactly what violence felt like on the receiving end of it. He supposed that was why he had such a hard time being aggressive and using any sort of violence as a means of control. The odd thing was, as much as Heero's readiness for violence frightened him, he also trusted him to never hurt him. It was somewhat ironic that the person he felt safest around had anger management problems. Heero looked affronted, annoyed, and confused as his two friends seemed to share a joke at his expense.

“I let them live,” he growled seriously, but the response only made Trowa and Duo laugh again.

“We need to get on the bus,” Wufei pointed out dryly.

 

 

 

When two lanes of highway turned to four and the tall towers and bright light of the large city finally came into view, Heero struggled with the decision to wake Duo up, who had once again fallen asleep, using his arm as a pillow. Heero's arm had also fallen asleep about forty-five minutes ago, as he had been afraid of moving it in case he woke Duo up, but he didn't mind. Any annoyance he had felt at Trowa and Duo's odd humor had dissipated in a manner of minutes. He realized that there were things between Quatre, Trowa, and himself that Duo wouldn't understand. There were also things between himself and Duo that their other friends couldn't possibly understand, so he just had to accept that there were secret things between Trowa and Duo, things he shouldn't pry into. He thought that he should feel jealous that Duo and Trowa had some deep, secret bond, but he didn't. He and Duo were the same way, they had a connection that neither of them could have with anyone else. Quatre hadn't watched Heero cry over the loss of his dead father late at night, sharing the same bed. Trowa hadn't held a naked Duo in the shower while he battled a severe panic attack and very dark demons. He also knew that Trowa would never love Duo in the way that he did, he had Quatre, after all, and Heero wasn't so selfish that he couldn't' see how much Trowa loved his blonde boyfriend and that, in the tall boy's eyes, there was no one else. Heero knew that feeling very well, especially with his own love lying against him, napping peacefully. He gently shook Duo awake, knowing that he would want to be awake for this. His heart warmed as he watched his best friend blink blearily and look up at him in sleepy confusion.

“Wha-?” the violet-eyed boy murmured.

“Look,” Heero urged, gesturing towards the window. As Duo looked outside, he immediately woke up and his eyes widened in an almost childish glee.

“Wow,” he whispered, “It's so beautiful!” he marveled at the brilliant, multi-colored lights looming over the highway. Heero smiled at him affectionately, remembering when he was a child and his mother had brought him and Quatre here on a business trip. At the time, he had been living in Tokyo, so he had been used to large cities, bright lights, and large crowds, but there had been something so incredible about it, traveling to another country. He had never gotten used to that feeling of wonderment, of seeing a different culture's way of doing things, of seeing new sights. He was glad that Duo, for the first time, was experiencing that emotion. It saddened him, though, knowing that Duo had lived so long, believing that he was going to be trapped in once place for the rest of his life, like a mouse in a cage. He had the sudden impulse to hold the younger boy's hand, but settled for memorizing the child-like wonder on his face as the bus entered the large, bustling city. He was no longer the wreck he had been in the hospital, weak and dark with haunting memories, but Duo was still broken, so it was something of a relief to see him peeking out of the shell he had built around himself.

Spring hadn't quite shown herself, but winter was, little by little, retreating. Heero had never truly experienced New England Winters, but he thought that they wouldn't have snow again, for which he was grateful. As much as he enjoyed the peacefulness of the season, he hated the cold. Boston was warmer, though not by very much, and there were a lot of people bustling around on the streets. Heero realized that the town they lived in had never seen such a thing, people coming and going so late at night, but this didn't seem to face Duo much. His longhaired friend was silent as the buses trailed each other towards the large hotel they were staying at, too busy watching and soaking everything in to say anything.

 

 

 

Duo was amazed that, in this point of his life, he could still feel so excited over something like a field trip. Though he felt like it some of the time, he wasn't a little kid anymore and teenagers shouldn't feel this off balanced, but he did. He, logically, knew it was due to his stagnant childhood and having never done most of the things his classmates had, but he found that, in this moment, he didn't even care that much. He had tried damn hard to bury all of the dark thoughts and feelings he had had in the past once he had started living with the Yuy's, but it had been difficult, like trying to get rid of a bad addiction. He supposed that it was harder ignoring most of your memories than ignoring a habit, but he had hoped that getting away from St. Peter's would help shove those memories down even further. He told himself that he wasn't that weak, twisted person anymore. He wasn't a prostitute, or a punching bag, or even a homeless street rat, he was Heero Yuy's friend, a part time stocker, and a high school student. It wasn't much, but it was something he was willing to fight to hold on to, even if it was a lie. Logically, he knew that one day his past would catch up with him and firmly bite him in the ass, but for right now, he was content to run away from it, as far and fast as he could. He caught Heero watching him with an amused expression and blushed. He imagined that he must look like a moron, so amazed over something so small, especially to Heero, who had lived in big cities most of his life.

“Did you and your mom go traveling a lot?” he asked. Heero nodded, his gaze moving towards the window as they passed a large, archaic theater that also drew Duo's attention.

“When I was little, my parents and I went on vacations during holidays. We went somewhere different every time, just Mom, Dad, and I,” Heero's tone was soft and reminiscent as he thought of his father. He felt Duo's hand on his and smiled at him. It was strange, but even the small touch, the small reminder that Duo was there for him, made him feel much better.

“After Dad died, we went on more trips. Part of it was Mom trying cheer me up and part of I was because her job made her go all over the planet and she didn't like me being alone for such a long time. I've been all over American, but this is the largest I've stayed, by far. When Mom told me we were going to be living here, I resented her for it,” he admitted.

“You hated America?” Duo asked. He didn't think he could ever understand that, hating an entire place, its people, its culture, especially since he had only known one place and had looked upon visiting other countries as something fantastic, something he would never do in his lifetime. It had been just one of many things he hadn't been able to think about much because it had depressed him so deeply. He remembered what that family had said, that they had spouted such horrible things, because they had known he and his friends had been listening. Where Heero and the others came from had never bothered him on any level, he honestly didn't think he had the capacity for that level of hate. There were much worse things than race and he had experienced a lot of those things. Besides, it was hard to hate people when you were battling with your own sense of identity. He just didn't see the point in it, anymore than he saw the point in violence as a means of revenge. It just seemed so… useless.

“No, not really,” Heero said with a shrug as the buses drove into their hotel's parking lot, but Duo's attention was solely on him, so he didn't notice.

“I never really hated this country, I was just angry at Mom for moving us again, and America treats itself like an island, alone in a vast, endless ocean. It wasn't something I was looking forward to, but I'm glad that I did,” Heero said with a bright smile, squeezing Duo's hand. The bus came to a stop, drawing both of their attentions again. Une got up from her seat behind the driver and stood at the front of the bus, instantly making all talking cease.

“Now, I know you are all eager to get to your rooms, but I don't want any shoving, pushing, or nonsense of any kind. You will go to the front desk and give your name. All of your luggage is being handed to the hotel employees and will be given back to you once you check in and get your room key. Hopefully, you did what you were told and put your nametags on your luggage before we left he school. If you have lost anything, you will have to wait until everyone is signed in to start a search for it. Once you have checked in, you can do as you please until we leave in three days. However, every time you leave the hotel, you must sign out, so if anything happens, the chaperones and I will know when you left and we also have your cell phone numbers, and you have ours. Now, I want a single file off this bus, not a rush of wild dogs, understood?” Une ordered in a sharp voice.

“Yes, Ma'am,” the bus chorused. Duo felt edgy to get off of the cramped bus. The whole ordeal had made him feel edgy. It had been hard, getting through the school day, knowing that at the end of the day, they would be going on their trip. It had been just as difficult handing his belongings to one of the teachers. He wasn't used to trusting anyone, let alone a group of adults he barely knew, with his personal stuff, his trusty duffle bag had always been in reach, but he had tried to accept things the way there were now, not in the past, and go with the flow the best that he could. It was the most he could do, anyway. He mused that this whole field trip experience was like getting caught in a whirlwind, everything was rush, rush, rush, so now that they were actually here, time had slowed down to almost a crawl, not that he minded. His brain was still a little bit foggy from napping. For as long as he could remember, long rides made him drowsy. It was something that embarrassed him, because he couldn't figure out why he reacted that way, but it was also something that he hadn't had to deal with a whole lot since he usually walked.

Duo wasn't the only one that was feeling sleepy and foggy from the bus ride and the rest of the students on their bus seemed too eager to get to their rooms to hold the rest of them up much. They got out of the bus in record time and got wound up in a horde of teachers that were trying to reclaim responsibility over the hundreds of teenagers as they all flooded out of the buses at once. Duo felt especially eager to have his black duffle bag back in his possession. If he had thought he could have gotten away with it, he would have insisted on holding onto it, but it had gotten stored in the buses cargo anyway. He had a suitcase, too, and he didn't have much that was important that wasn't in the backpack he had been allowed on the bus, but he had had that duffle bag since he was ten years old and he viewed the beaten old thing as more important than anything else he had brought with him. Well, except for his medicines, which were safely tucked away in the backpack slung over his shoulder. Despite that feeling of eagerness and anxiety to have all of his property back, he hesitated as he stepped off the bus and saw the hotel for the first time.

Just from an aesthetic standpoint, the hotel was much nicer than anything they had back home. It was bigger, more stylish, with revolving doors and windows so big and clean, they glistened with the neon lights of the surrounding buildings. It was completely different from the simple hotels he was used to, but the sight of it made a slithering, dark, sickening emotion crawl around in his insides and he felt frozen.

To Duo, hotels were all the same, no matter how many stars they had attached to their names. The people that worked there were impersonal and apathetic, the customers thriving so much in anonymity that most of them didn't even use their real names. Oh, yes, he was very familiar with the hotel culture. Not all of the men that had paid for his time had been looking for quick fucks in dark alleys, the back seats of cars, or bathroom stalls. Some would pay to have an entire night with him and a majority of these men would take him to a hotel room. When he had been much younger, he had wondered how the people at the service desk had handed his johns their keys, but hadn't said anything about the child they were sharing the room with. Sometimes, those people would look disgusted or affronted and Duo, even at the time, had known that they had known what was going on, but had never done anything about it. When he had gotten older, he had come to realize that it was just like everything else in the world, just business. It was a hotel's job to turn a blind eye to what it's customers did, no matter how disgusting, just to get a profit, it had, little by little, become a routine for him, but he had never gotten used to that sort of blatant ignorance. When he had looked at this trip, he had only really seen the crowds as a stressor for him. He hadn't thought that just the act of walking into the hotel would be making his heart pound in his chest, but it did. Whisper and phantom memories bubbled up in his mind and, for a brief moment, the sudden burst of anxiety took him by surprise so suddenly that he couldn't block them out. He watched, frozen in fear, as his classmates all but ran into the large building, eager to get to their rooms. His mind felt blank, but through it all, there was a voice deep inside of his head screaming at him to run, run, because this was very, very bad.

A soft touch and sudden warmth around his hand silenced the voice and Duo struggled through the panicked fog that was consuming his consciousness. He realized that the warmth was Heero's hand around his. He came back to himself in a sudden rush.

“Are you ok?” Heero asked, worried. He had seen that panicked look before, more than once, and had been at his best friend's side in less than a second, knowing that Duo would need him, one way or another. He wasn't quite sure what it was about himself that grounded Duo so quickly and efficiently, but whatever Duo needed to keep the demons away, he seemed to provide it for him. His biggest worry was that the longhaired boy was going to have a full fledged panic attack right there in the parking lot. He didn't give a shit about what the other people around them would think about it, he was just worried that Duo's stress levels would sky rocket and he would black out or do some other damage to himself. What bothered him the most was that he had no idea what had triggered the attack this time. Was it the crowd of people and childish yelling as they flooded off the bus, or simply the knowledge that he was in a strange, alien place? Heero wasn't sure, but he felt an intense relief when his small touch had brought Duo back to himself. The panic was still there, but this time it was tightly controlled, not wild and rampant. Duo flinched as Trowa put a hand on his back, but the taller boy knew better than to stand behind him, moving to Duo's side, instead. He could feel the younger boy's muscles tensing under his hand, but they relaxed in a matter of seconds as Duo calmed down and settled, realizing that it was a friend and he was safe. Some of the panic bled out of his eyes and muscles as Quatre and Wufei helped form a sort of distracting bubble, keeping his attention away from everything except his friends. Duo blushed as he realized how stupid he probably looked.

“You don't have to go in right now,” Trowa soothed, “We can wait a little while.”

To Heero's shock, Duo looked at Trowa with wide eyes and he realized that Trowa had pinpointed the source of Duo's anxiety exactly. It threw him how his old friend seemed to know Duo's triggers better than the rest of them.

“It's no big deal,” Duo tried to throw off his fears, but they could see how high strung he was as he watched people enter the hotel. Heero was once again struck with the urge to smack himself for his stupidity. The thought that Duo would be bothered by going to a hotel had never even entered his mind, and it should have. It was clichéd, that Duo's… customers would have taken him to such places, and the mere thought made Heero feel sick, but he felt that the fact it was such a cliché made him feel even worse about not thinking of it. From the looks on Quatre and Wufei's faces, they were feeling the exact same way, but, somewhere along the line, Trowa had thought of it, because he didn't look shocked at Duo's reaction at all. Duo's assurance that it was fine was unlikely in itself, but when Heero could feel his friend's hand shaking in his, it was impossible to believe.

“We're not going to let anything bad happen, I promise,” Heero said, giving Duo's hand a little squeeze. Trowa smiled at him and Heero felt better that he approved of his actions, though he wasn't entirely sure when he had started to hold Trowa's assurances so highly. Duo also gave him a small smile, though Heero could tell that he had to struggle to do it.

“I'll get over it,” Duo promised them, “I just have to keep reminding myself that things are different now.”

“Things are different,” Quatre said with surety, “Heero's right, we're not going to let anything happen to you, to any of us. As long as we stick close together, we can protect each other. You're not alone anymore, you have people looking out for you now.”

The little bit of stubborn anxiety that still clung to him released its hold as he felt true safety at his blonde friend's words. He would have hugged him tightly if he wasn't so subconscious and unwilling to do something so personal amongst people that he had hated and despised for so many years. He looked up at Trowa.

“I can do this,” he tried to sound steady and, regretfully, let go of Heero's hand. He was amazed as he walked through the hotel doors with his friends, that he truly wasn't afraid. He had never experienced something like that before meeting Heero, just knowing that he had people that cared about him actually settling his anxieties, but he liked the feeling and knew that he wasn't going to give it up without a fight.

 

 

 

As the five of them entered the lobby and got into the very long line at the large front desk, Duo had the childish urge to take off his shoes and socks and feel the very plush looking red rug under his bare feet. Hotel employees were bustling all over the place, reminding Duo of ants, each doing an assigned task, trying to deal with the hundreds of teenagers, giving tours and helping them and their luggage to the elevators. Duo couldn't even imagine the stress of trying to create order in this sort of chaos. He tried to not show his eagerness to get his stuff as the line moved with surprising quickness. Most of the students didn't have the patience for anything more than a rapid transaction, barking out their names and grabbing their bags in a rush. Duo was eager to get his things for an entirely different reason. Yes, he was excited to see his hotel room, to finally take a relaxing breath and feel rooted again, but mostly he wanted his things in his possession and not a complete stranger's. He supposed he was acting a little bit like a control freak, but he felt a little bit lost without his duffle bag.

“Duo Maxwell,” he said in a rush when it was finally his turn, handing over his school ID. The girl at the counter wearing a perfect-looking, deep maroon uniform seemed to hesitate for a moment, probably unsure over his odd first name, but went to do her job professionally, with no questions asked, which suited Duo just fine. The girl and a young man that was helping her with the larger luggage handed him his suitcase and duffle bag, quickly calling the next person over. Duo stood off to the side to keep the whole process going smoothly, his arms wrapped around his very familiar duffle bag tightly as though his life depended on it. He didn't need to read the yellow name tag attached to it to know that it was his, he knew every wear and rip and scuff mark like he knew each of the scars on his fair skin. Heero and Trowa joined him quickly and Heero caught the utter relief in the longhaired boy's eyes at having his belongings back, but didn't say anything to draw attention to it. Duo finally let go of the bear hug he had had on his duffle and slung it over his shoulder, but his fingers still gripped the strap tightly.

The three of them watched in amusement as one of the girls behind the desk was having a hard time with Wufei's name. It turned out that the hotel had attempted to organize their stuff by last name and hadn't realized that `Chang' was Wufei's last name, not his first, and seemed to have problems that his school ID said the opposite. Both Quatre and Wufei were trying to explain things to the girl, but it didn't look like they were having much luck.

With an amused snort, Trowa looked away from his exasperated lover to study the hotel map on the wall. Duo had tried to look at it, too, wanting to get a feel for the place, but couldn't make heads or tales of it, which embarrassed him.

“Our room is number 503, which means that we're on the fifth floor,” Trowa explained, mostly for Duo's benefit, “We get our own bathroom and our room is near the elevator. The restaurant where we'll be eating breakfast is on the first floor, and so is the gift shop. The floor we're on right now is the lobby and the one below is called the `lounge', that's where the gym and pool area is.”

Duo's interest piqued at the mention of a pool.

“There's a pool?” he asked, “Are we allowed to go there?”

Trowa chucked, but it wasn't mocking. Sometimes, Duo's innocence could be very amusing. Considering his past, it wasn't surprising that he would think some areas of the hotel would be restricted to them. He was probably used to people telling him that he couldn't go to certain places or do things because he was poor.

“No,” Heero assured him, “Anyone who has a room here can go anywhere they please. Do you know how to swim?” he asked. Duo had told him that he had never gone to a beach and he didn't think that Duo would have been comfortable using the town's indoor pool. There were a lot of ponds in town, but to his knowledge, Duo didn't own a bathing suit.

“We had to take swimming lessons in Middle School,” Duo told him. Heero knew that the high school had its own pool, but he hadn't had to use it since he had come in the early winter. Japan had similar programs, though he had learned to swim from his father and not his school and he had hated doing swimming exercises. He wondered if they did it differently here in America, but he supposed that physical exercise was the same no matter where you went. He had loved free swim, though, and his father had often joked that he must have been a fish in his past life. When he was child, during the hot summers in Tokyo, he had spent most of his time in their pool, with his Dad. It hurt now, thinking of how happy he had been back then, but he also felt the acute desire to watch Duo swim. Oddly, it had little to do with seeing him in a pair of swim trunks, though that desire was very real, too. Rather, he wanted to see how graceful he would be, and how relaxed, reveling in weightlessness. He wondered if swimming made Duo as happy as it made him, or if it his experiences with it had been limited to gym class. The thought of Duo in swim trunks brought a different thought, a more disturbing one to him.

“And no one said anything about your scars?” Heero asked, already feeling anger trying to bubble up inside of him. He wanted Duo to say that he hadn't had any scars back then, that his teachers and classmates weren't purposefully ignorant, no matter how unlikely that was. Duo shrugged.

“No, no one ever said anything,” he smiled bitterly, “I don't know if they saw them or not. People have a way of looking through me sometimes, you know? To them, I'm not important, or rather, they just don't want to know. You were the first person to actually look.”

Heero shook his head, almost in denial.

“It's hard for me to believe that,” he admitted, “I can't believe that no one would just… ignore the physical signs of what was going on! Your scars, when I first saw them in the hospital, I'd have had to have been blind not to see them. Not a single person said anything to you about it?”

“Nope,” Duo said, almost apathetically, as though he didn't want to think about it at all. Heero wanted to talk more about it, about the injustice of all of it, but knew it wasn't the time, or the place, and let the subject drop.

“Why don't we go swimming tonight?” he offered. Duo instantly brightened, but in the next second, his expression fell as though he had never smiled in the first place.

“I probably shouldn't…” he murmured, unconsciously rubbing at his arm, “I'm not so invisible anymore, even if I had a bathing suit, which I don't.”

Trowa watched with interest as Heero mulled over those facts.

“We could go late tonight, when few people are there and I can lend you a pair of my swim trunks. You can also keep your shirt on, if it makes you feel better,” Heero offered.

Duo's fear of people and vulnerability made him want to find some flaw in Heero's solution, something that could make him, logically, turn him down, but he didn't really want to. He wanted to go swimming with Heero, just the two of them. His first foray into swimming hadn't been a pleasant one as he remembered Zechs trying to drown him and no one coming to his aid, or even noticing that he was in trouble, but he also fondly remembered the feeling of weightlessness, of all his stress ebbing away as cool water surrounded him, if only for a few seconds. He didn't want anyone to see, or notice, his scars, because they disgusted him, but also because he was worried. It was stupid, honestly. When he had been with Wes, he had never felt the fear he felt now, because he had known that no one had cared, but now that he was with the Yuy's, he was scared that people would see him now, see the abuse, and think that Name and Heero were somehow involved. Of course, that didn't make much sense since his scars were so old, but he didn't trust the world, and especially not people, to let him keep the only true family he had ever had.

“Ok,” he finally agreed, “But I'm keeping my clothes on.”

The three of them saw Quatre and Wufei push their way towards them with their own luggage, both looking flustered and annoyed.

“Stupid, ignorant Americans,” Wufei grumbled, then blushed as he noticed Duo looking at him with wide eyes, “Present company excluded, of course,” he tried to joke. Duo grinned at him.

“Not all of us can be culturally conscious,” he warned, “I hope you didn't create any enemies when we've only been here for a few minutes.”

Wufei heard the humor in his friend's voice and relaxed, realizing that his insult hadn't hurt his feelings.

“I'll try to remain civil. I guess, just because the lot of you know what you're doing, it doesn't mean these people do,” he said with a slight grumble.

“Are we ready to go?” Trowa pressed, smirking at the sight of his lover's tossed hair and flushed cheeks.

“Yes, please,” Quatre said with a sigh and they followed him to the elevators.

 

 

Duo chalked up `being in an elevator' as one of those things he had never done before, but seemed to come so naturally to everyone else. He knew how they worked, he wasn't that much of a simpleton, he had just never had to get into one before. When the doors closed, he was terrified. He was in a closed space, his mind screamed at him, he was locked in, trapped and soon, very, very soon, the darkness and pain would begin and he would never see light again and…

Duo's breath came out harder and faster, pinpoints of grey filtering his vision as he began to hyperventilate. It wasn't until Heero stiffened next to him, aware of his impending panic attack, that Duo was able to take a slow, calming breath. He wasn't alone, he rationalized in an attempt to soothe his nerves, it was just him and his four friends. They had promised that nothing bad was going to happen to him, so it wouldn't. The loud ding of the elevator announcing that they had reached their floor made him flinch, but when the doors opened, he instantly relaxed.

`See?' he told himself, `No darkness, no pain.'

But the reality of what had just happened depressed him. In the last twenty minutes, he had almost had two panic attacks. Name's fears were already coming true and the scariest part was that he didn't know how to keep them from happening anymore. At least back home he had known what was going to se him off, here there were too many new, unexplored things. He missed the strength he had had in the past, even if it had been a lie. Before meeting Heero, he had somehow managed to push down all the bad things that had happened to him, no matter how horrible those things got, he could keep going. But… if losing his strength meant that he could keep Heero, it was a sacrifice he was more than glad to make.

“Are you ok?” Heero whispered to him as they walked down the hallway to their room. Duo realized, with a great deal of relief, that the others hadn't noticed his stress on the elevator. He nodded, but didn't say anything. He didn't want Heero to know how close he had come to a full fledged panic attack over something so small. He hoped it wouldn't be an issue every time he had to get into the enclosed death trap.

The hallway had the same beautiful red carpet as the lobby and Duo once again had the urge to walk around barefoot, hoping it was as soft and plush as it looked. There were small, elegant looking lamps attached to the wall, giving the hallway a comfortable look. They didn't have to walk very far to get to their room and Duo watched Trowa put his card key in so he knew how to do it himself.

Duo's eyes went wide as they entered the room and he realized how big the place was. He had been expecting something the size of his room at home, but he knew that that had been a foolish thought, considering that the room had a bathroom and three beds. It wasn't a huge, opulent room, but it was more than he had been expecting. There were even dressers and a closet for their clothes, as well as a TV and telephone.

“Wow,” Wufei said in a small voice and Duo felt relieved that he wasn't the only one overwhelmed. He mused that a hotel room was kind of like a home within a home and he wasn't quite sure what the appropriate etiquette was, but he toed his shoes off and put them in the closet, just like he did at home. He followed Quatre as the blonde immediately dumped his suitcase by one of the beds and looked out of the large windows.

“It's so beautiful,” Quatre said in a soft voice. Duo silently agreed with him. The windows of their room looked out at the water and Duo could see the lights of the city reflecting off of the surface of the water, as well as a few stray seagulls. Duo put his suitcase down next to Quatre's and watched as the others did the same, Heero reading the pamphlet off one of the beds advertising the hotel's restaurant, some places in Boston that were popular to visit, room service, and how to work the TV. Trowa, the most efficient of all of them, was already unzipping his and Quatre's suitcases and taking their toiletries to the bathroom. Wufei knelt in front of what looked like a tiny refrigerator and opened it.

“Don't take anything you aren't prepared to pay for,” Trowa warned as he stepped out of the bathroom.

“Why?” Wufei asked, confused, “Isn't this stuff ours?”

“Nothing if free,” Trowa replied with an air of wisdom.

“It's a mini-bar,” Duo informed Wufei, excited that he knew something that one of his friends didn't, “It's like a vending machine, but you have to pay once we leave.”

“Oh,” Wufei said with distaste, closing the door.

“And, of course, everything in there is more expensive than if you were to buy it at a convenience store,” Trowa said.

“That's stupid,” Wufei said with a snort.

“Well,” Quatre said with an almost gleeful clap of his hands, “Since Trowa's already unpacking, why don't we decide who is going to sleep where?”

Duo was glad when Heero didn't immediately jump up and insist that Duo take one of the beds, though he could tell that he wanted to. Ideally, he thought that he would want to share a bed with Heero. They had shared a bed more than once and he felt fairly comfortable with him, but that was also part of the problem. He simply didn't trust himself so close to Heero, it would be the first time he'd be sharing a bed with the boy that he loved without being sick or injured or mentally incapacitated. The last thing he wanted was for his best friend to find out about his feelings for him, because he just didn't know how he would react. He kept telling himself that he did have control, that Heero would never find out, but that was far from the truth. Whenever he had been with Wes, he hadn't wanted to like any of the things the man had done to him, but sometimes, his body had responded anyway. What if the same thing happened with Heero? What if, despite his attempts to gain a rigid control over his body, the close proximity to Heero gave everything away? Yes, ideally he would have liked to share a bed with Heero, but he was too scared to do something like that. There was that small voice in the back of his mind that told him he didn't deserve to do something that would make him so happy, but he was also very scared, unsure of what he really wanted to do.

There was this strange part of himself that wanted Heero to know, to understand how painful it was for him, but he knew that this desire was only born out of his need to get rid of the pain of a very deep secret and his hope that, if Heero knew, then maybe he would confess to love him, too. But, he knew that that fantasy, as pleasant as it was, would remain a dream. After everything he had told him about his past, even if Heero was gay, there was no way he could find him attractive. As far as he was concerned, sleeping next to Heero for five whole days was too big of a risk for him to take. He wondered how he had found the courage to confess his feelings for Heero to Trowa in the first place. It had been a secret he had been ready to take to the grave with him, but there had been something comforting about telling Trowa and, for whatever reason, Trowa had kept his secret. He hadn't even told Quatre about it, let alone Heero, which had solidified Duo's trust in him. To his shock, the bed decision was taken out of his hands, not by Heero, but by Wufei and Quatre.

“No offense,” Wufei said, “But I'm not comfortable sharing a bed with anyone. I'll take a bed by myself, unless anyone else wants it, or I can take the floor if someone else wants a bed to themselves.”

Duo thought about protesting, thinking that not sharing a bed with anyone would be the best thing for him, but sleeping by himself seemed so… lonely. It reminded him of the sleepovers he and Heero had had, him lying on the air mattress, watching Heero sleep and wishing he had the courage to talk to him about all of his horrible thoughts. It was a stupid thought, of course, he slept by himself all of the time. He tried not to think about how used he had become to someone sleeping by his side in those days that Wes had had him chained to his bed, he tried to tell himself that it had nothing to do with now, or how lonely he sometimes felt late at night, but he thought of it, briefly, anyway. Yes, he slept by himself now, so he shouldn't feel as though it would be lonely now, but in this situation, he felt more uncomfortable about sleeping alone than sharing a bed with one of his friends.

Not all that long ago he had told Name that no one had ever slept next to him without sex being involved, so it had felt awkward with her doing it and even worse when Heero did it. He had been whoring himself and dealing with Wes for so long that it was hard separating his old life from his new one, so little things like friends and family sharing a bed with him without anything sexual happening was difficult for him. He supposed that he could sleep on the floor, but he didn't think that Heero would let him and, really, he didn't want to. Looking back on his life, he realized how much he was changing. He thought that he was becoming a little bit spoiled. In the past, sleeping on the floor wouldn't have fazed him, he would have even suggested that he sleep there to make the others more comfortable. But, in this new life of his, he was used to sleeping in a bed. He remembered his childhood and how, back then, he would have looked at the plush carpet of the hotel room with envy, compared to the cold cement or piles of garbage he had been used to back then. But he didn't want to remember those times, didn't want to remember being that person. He wasn't sure if he liked the person he was turning into, but he still liked it better than who he had been. So, though he could protest about Wufei taking a single bed, he didn't, because he didn't really want to sleep alone in this strange place. Besides, if it made Wufei comfortable, he didn't want to argue about it and he especially didn't want him to sleep on the floor.

“Alright,” Quatre agreed, “In that case,” he slung his arm over Duo's shoulders, who looked at him in confusion at the move, “Duo and I can take one bed and Trowa and Heero can take another.”

Duo and Heero looked at the short blonde in shock, neither of them expecting that he wouldn't want to share a bed with Trowa, and the both of them feeling half disappointment and half relief at the decision.

“Don't you want to share a bed with Trowa?” Heero asked. Trowa looked unconcerned about Quatre's decision, almost as though he had been expecting it and Heero wondered if they had talked about it before they had even left.

“I wouldn't want to be accused of anything,” Quatre said slyly. Heero caught the underlying meaning of his words. He wasn't actually, jokingly, worried that they would accuse him and Trowa of having sex when they were sleeping so close to them, he was more worried about being unable to control himself and making the rest of them feel uncomfortable. Heero could see the wisdom in his decision. Though Duo wasn't completely comfortable around Quatre, he was the least threatening of the four of them and, though he trusted Quatre and Trowa not to do anything to make Duo feel uneasy, it was best to destroy the temptation. To his surprise, Duo shrugged.

“It's fine with me,” the longhaired boy said. Quatre grinned at him.

“Great! Now that that's settled, why don't we order room service for dinner? I'll treat since this is a special occasion and I've never taken you guys out to dinner before,” the blonde offered. Wufei looked uncomfortable at the suggestion. He had grown up amongst rules of honor and that each individual must give and take an equal portion or it would destroy a very important balance. However, Wufei realized that Quatre probably hadn't been brought up that way and was doing what he thought was right. He didn't want to do anything to disrespect his new friend, so he kept quiet. Duo, on the other hand, didn't see things that way and opened his mouth to protest. For once, he could pay for his share and didn't want Quatre to think that he had to go out of his way to help him out. He wanted to prove that he could take care of himself, not rely on his friends for everything. Whatever he had been about to say died in his throat as Heero gave him a sharp look. He paused to think about Quatre's actions. He hadn't exactly insinuated that he was buying them dinner because they couldn't afford it, just that today was special, which it was, and he wanted to treat them. Duo mused that he wanted to do the same thing and could see Quatre's reasoning, so he dropped it. What little pride he had demanded that it wasn't right, but he simply didn't want to argue. Quatre was just doing something nice for them and he recognized that. He was also intrigued by the idea of getting room service. He understood the concept, but he had never indulged in it himself.

When no one vetoed Quatre's suggestion, the room service menu was passed around. As they ate, Heero and Duo flipped through the tourist brochure. Duo thought that room service was an odd concept, it spoke of a deep laziness, having someone bring you your dinner, though you could just go downstairs and get it on your own, but it was fun, too. He had settled on a chicken, broccoli, and ziti dish, with lots of garlic. Garlic was something he had never had before living with Heero, but he loved it, despite Trowa's `garlic breath' jokes. Heero had gotten something with fish in it and Duo mused that if Trowa was really worried about food smells, the two of them would have gotten kicked out of the room. They were sitting on the floor to eat, disregarding the small table in the corner of the room that had a lamp on it. He could see that Quatre and Wufei were a little bit uncomfortable about not using the table, but he didn't think that it was because sitting on the floor was uncomfortable, rather, the two of them had such deeply engrained ideals of manner and etiquette that eating on the floor was strange to them. He and Trowa felt comfortable doing it, though. He didn't know about Trowa, but it certainly wasn't the first time he had eaten this way and Heero seemed completely indifferent to it.

“Can we go to a museum tomorrow?” Duo asked as the arts and science section of the brochure caught his eye.

“Sure,” Quatre said brightly, “Have you ever been to one before?”

Duo shook his head.

“We don't have any places like that back home, and if we didn't, I wouldn't have been able to afford to go,” he pointed out.

“Well, it sounds like something we should do while we're here,” Trowa said. Duo felt relieved when his request wasn't shot down outright. He knew that most of their classmates wouldn't be caught dead in a museum or anything that had to do with science or history or art during this trip, but he supposed he was a bit of a `geek'. His knowledge of the world, the past, and the imaginations of others had been limited to his classes and textbooks. The idea of going to an entire building filled with wonderful things like that made him intensely hungry for it. There was so much in life that he didn't know, had never experienced, and he yearned to learn and do all that he could. If living with Wes had taught him anything, it was that life was cruel and painfully short and, if you had the ability to do something, you should just go out and do it. For the first time in his life, he actually had the ability to do so many things. He had seen malls and restaurants and clubs and movie theaters, what he wanted to do in this new place was new things.

“Actually,” Wufei said, “the fine arts museum is only ten minutes from here by bus and there's a lecture on French poetry I'd like to see.”

“Remember, we went there last time we were in Boston,” Quatre told Trowa with a soft expression on his face. Trowa smiled at him and linked their fingers together.

“I remember, it was one of the few times we came to this country with just the two of us,” Trowa said.

“I don't think I've been since I was a kid,” Heero told them, “Are there still restaurants inside? What about the one that Mom brought us to that time?”

“Oh, well…” Quatre said with a wince, “I think that place is a little too high end for Duo…”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Duo demanded, feeling insulted, and a bit hurt that his friend would say that about him. Trowa gave his lover an annoyed look.

“What place? I don't remember eating at the museum when we were there,” he said in an angry tone. Quatre sputtered, trying to find the right words. Heero put his hand over Duo's tense one.

“He didn't mean it like that,” he soothed, “But that place isn't something you'd like, now that I think about it. It's stuffy, a sort of `use-the-right-fork' restaurant. They only have three things on their menu and I guarantee that two of those you either won't recognize or won't like and the portions are tiny. It's more about appearances than food.”

Duo made a face at that.

“What kind of restaurant serves only three things that you won't even like?!” he demanded. Trowa chuckled.

“Sometimes, people pay for service more than a meal. I'm sure we can find a more casual restaurant with good food. Quatre's right, neither you nor I would be comfortable in a place like that,” the green-eyed boy said. Quatre relaxed when he realized that his longhaired friend and lover were no longer angry at him.

“I'm so sorry, Duo,” he apologized profusely, “I didn't mean that you were beneath that place, I just thought that you'd like someplace that's more down to earth.”

Duo smiled reassuringly at his blonde friend.

“I'm sorry, too. I know you'd never say something like that. I kind of jumped to conclusions,” Duo said sheepishly, “It's just… sometimes you and Heero overwhelm me. You guys are the only ones in a higher class than me that have ever treated me with any sort of respect. And, you're right, I don't think I'd like that place very much.”

Duo quickly realized that, if anyone else had said what Quatre had just said, he wouldn't have snapped at them, or even felt as angry as he had. If anyone else had said it, it wouldn't have hurt as much as hearing his friend say it, because he trusted them to not say those things. Everyone else, on the other hand, he was used to hearing it from. Quatre brightened at Duo's assurances and he busied himself with tidying up their dishes, still embarrassed at his slip up, but feeling immensely better when his lover stood to help him. Wufei took out his pajamas from his suitcase and busied himself with tidying his things.

“So, when do you want to go swimming?” Heero suddenly asked Duo, who looked at him with shocked, wide eyes.

“You were serious?” he asked. He hadn't thought that Heero would actually try to take him swimming tonight. The Japanese boy nodded.

“You seemed like you wanted to go when I brought it up and, like I said, you can keep your clothes on if it makes you feel uncomfortable, or we can just forget about the whole thing,” Heero offered. Duo pondered that for a few seconds. He did want to go swimming. It was cool in their hotel room, but he still wanted to do it. He had told himself that he wanted to enjoy this vacation, relax and do things he wouldn't normally do and the only reason he could think of to not take Heero up on his offer was a little bit of embarrassment over his shyness, but his yearning to swim was stronger.

“Sure,” he decided, “but I need to change, obviously,” he looked down at his jeans.

“Count me out,” Wufei said gruffly, only half paying attention to their conversation, “You two are crazy. Who would want to go swimming in the winter?”

“It's almost March,” Duo pointed out.

“Still doesn't make it spring,” Wufei grumbled.

Heero rolled his eyes, but Wufei was too busy with his things to notice. Duo was suddenly struck with the realization that Heero had had no intention of inviting their other friends along. He couldn't even begin to think of the reason behind that. It felt very close to… something, something that he didn't dare think about. He mused that it had been a long time since they had done anything with just the two of them and that was the reason, but he either didn't believe that or he didn't want to believe it, maybe a bit of both, because it was hard for him to swallow. Either way, it didn't seem correct, somehow.

 

 

When Heero had insisted that he didn't have to wear shoes to go down to the pool, Duo had thought his best friend was pulling his leg. It was the sort of joke one of their classmates would have pulled on him, using his naiveté to make him do something bad, but he hadn't thought that his friends would do something like that to him. It was that realization, that his friends would never be so cruel, that had made him leave their hotel room wearing nothing but his grey sleeping shorts and a long, loose fitting, blue t-shirt. He had been right, the hallway carpet was amazingly plush and soft under his bare feet, but it still felt… inappropriate not to wear shoes while walking through the hotel, kind of like not wearing a shirt in the grocery store, even though it was really hot outside. He had never considered himself someone who had manners, but even when he saw others walking around bare footed, he felt weird about it. Also, like getting room service, it was a bit exciting, like breaking a rule and knowing you couldn't get in trouble for it.

“Did you and Quatre come to Boston often when you were kids?” Duo asked as he and Heero got onto the elevator, partially in curiosity and partially to keep his mind off the fact that he was getting onto the scary box of metal again. However, when the gold doors closed, trapping them inside, he tensed. Heero's close proximity keeping away the deep panic that wanted to explode in his chest. Just like the first time it had happened, Heero noticed Duo's anxiety and pressed his shoulder against his. He didn't say anything about it, worried that bringing attention to it would only make things worse.

“Mom had a lot of business in America when we were kids,” he told Duo, trying to keep his mind off of his deep seated feelings of confinement. He knew exactly where that fear had come from and he secretly seethed at Wes. Duo had been chained up in the dark for two whole weeks, so he wasn't surprised that Duo had problems with closed spaces.

“Quatre and I had been very close, as long as his father let him, we did everything together. Dad went with us sometimes and when Mom was in meetings, he took us to museums and out to lunch,” Heero explained, “the science museum was always my favorite.”

Duo was amazed that, somehow, just be being with him, Heero could make his fear and anxiety go away. He smiled at him, almost instantly feeling better. He still felt a bit weird, though, wearing sleepwear and no shoes out in public like this. Of course, there were few people walking around to see them, but it still made him feel self-conscious. In the past, he never would have done it. As much as he could reason that he shouldn't, couldn't ever be shy of his body anymore, back then, he had worn baggy clothes, trying to cover up ever inch of his skin. It hadn't been because he was afraid of anyone finding out about the abuse, it was simply because outside of the apartment and away from Wes, he had the luxury of dressing that way.

So, standing in an elevator with his long, thin legs completely bare down to his toes, he felt… awkward, a little like a skittish deer, his legs very thin and very pale. Out of a sort of unnamable, illogical fear, he never would have dressed this way, but around Heero, it had been easy. Heero made him feel safe and it had nothing to do with his power or money, as long as it was physically possible, Heero would protect him. He was the only one that had ever tried to and he hadn't failed him yet. An odd feeling and a deep warmth filled him. It was safe to say that he had never felt this way for another person before. Lately, it was so easy for him to see the reasons why he had fallen for his best friend, even if he could never talk to him about it. His hand searched blindly for Heero's, his fingers wrapping around the warm, larger hand. The elevator doors opened and Duo looked up at Heero, searching for some sort of disapproval, but he couldn't see any. Heero smiled down at him and Duo immediately stopped searching, knowing that he would never find that look in Heero's deep blue eyes.

 

 

 

As Heero opened the door to the pool using his room key card, Duo was hit with the strong smell of chlorine. It wasn't an unpleasant smell, but he hadn't gone swimming since Middle School and couldn't remember ever smelling chlorine since then. The pool area looked nice, it was certainly bigger than what they had used in Middle School. The light blue tiles were smooth and clean under their feet and Duo that the hotel must have cleaned it very recently. There were a few, deep green plants around the pool, which was fairly large and the water was a deep blue. Duo was amazed to see that there was no one else besides them in the room and relaxed a bit more. He looked over at a small, circular pool that was off to the side, its water bubbling. He had heard of Jacuzzi's before, but stayed clear of it. There was something about just sitting in hot water, doing nothing, that seemed useless and strange to him.

He looked back at Heero as the taller boy stood at the edge of the pool, near the stone steps that led into the shallow end. He put the little back pack that held their towels and key cards down and took a step into the pool. He looked back at Duo and smiled.

“I told you it would be ok,” he urged.

“I can't believe that no one's even here,” Duo murmured in agreement.

“It's too late for little kids and it's not summer, so not a lot of people would want to swim like they would usually,” Heero explained.

Duo watched with huge eyes as Heero peeled his white t-shirt off and shucked it in the direction of the back pack. Before the ability for intelligent thought left him completely, Duo realized that he had never seen Heero… shirtless before, though Heero had seen him naked. His heart raced incredibly fast as he watched Heero go into the pool. He was so very beautiful… His slightly tanned skin was perfect, utterly flawless and as he watched the muscles in his back move, he found it hard to breathe. He had never felt this way before. He had been with hundreds of naked men and it had gotten to the point where he had thought he could never feel anything for a man's body, ever, but looking at Heero, he felt like he was going to melt away with the incredible things he was feeling. At this point in his life, he thought he could die happily. But, underneath his utter glee at the rush of arousal and happiness that was making his heart pound so harshly, Duo was stuck with the very dark emotion of inadequacy. Next to Heero's beautiful, muscular form, he felt so small, ugly, and pathetic. He was too short, too skinny, too pale, too full of scars… That feeling of shame doused his arousal quicker than an icy shower and he looked at his friend with a hopeless sense of desperation. He would never be good enough for him, not even physically. He couldn't even take his own shirt off, because he was so ashamed of his body. He wanted to pull his baggy shirt over his head and disappear.

Heero looked back at Duo worriedly when he noticed he wasn't getting into the water and had a brooding look that Heero immediately didn't like. Duo seemed to sense Heero's perusal and finally moved towards the pool, sitting at the edge and stretching his legs out, but not putting them in the water just yet. Heero's blue eyes widened as he saw the underside of his friend's feet.

“What happened?” he demanded. Duo blinked in confusion before he realized where Heero was looking and blushed. On the bottoms of both of his feet were deep, long scars that were very old. He guessed that it didn't really matter how hard he tried to hide his scars from the world, he couldn't hide all of them.

“I told you that the first time I tried to run away, Wes slammed my head into the floor and that's when I started having vision problems,” Duo said in a quiet voice, “But all that was, was his anger, it wasn't my `punishment'. I spent all of that day lying on the floor of the apartment throwing up because my head hurt so much, but the next day, when I could finally think again without feeling like my head was going to split in half, Wes held me down and… he cut up the bottoms of my feet with a hunting knife. He said it was so I couldn't run away again. He was right, even after my wounds healed, every time I thought about running again, I could only remember the pain of him forcing me to walk on my bloody feet. I never tried to run away again, not until I met you.”

“God, Duo,” Heero said breathlessly with a stricken look. Duo tried to smile reassuringly at him, but it was hard, remembering back then, how each step had seemed to put more and more weight on the slashes, the agony lacing up his legs, and the blood pooling underneath him.

“They don't hurt anymore,” he said, but it sounded hollow. With a sigh, he put his feet into the water, partially to hide the hideous scars from Heero and partially in hope that the cold water would soothe the phantom ache he suddenly felt. His eyes widened as his feet touched the water. He had expected it to be like the pool in Middle school, cold even though the air had been hot back then, but this pool's water was pleasantly warm, more like a bath than a pool. Heero caught his surprised look and chuckled.

“It's a heated pool,” he told him, “Now, are you coming in or not?”

“I haven't swum in a really long time,” Duo blurted out, the stomach-deep water and the very real memory of Zechs trying to drown him made him suddenly fearful that his previous swimming lessons would fail him and he would either end up drowning or looking like an idiot in front of Heero. However, Heero smiled at him warmly.

“I won't let you drown,” he said softly and Duo instantly felt like an idiot anyway for his fear.

The water felt just as good as it had in Middle school as Duo walked down the steps and let himself float in the shallow end. He had a very brief moment of panic as his feet left the pool floor, but his body seemed to remember how to swim and float, because he didn't sink. That first moment of weightlessness was wonderful and peaceful to him. He closed his eyes and tilted his head back, letting his braid float in the warm water.

Heero had watched his friend carefully as he had gone into the water. He had told Duo that he wouldn't let him drown, but he felt on edge about it and wished that Duo had warned him beforehand. However, something seemed to click inside of Duo and he floated and swam easily as though he had never forgotten how, even for a second. When Duo closed his eyes, a blissful, relaxed look settled on his face and Heero felt his chest tighten. With his long braid trailing in the water with its shimmering colors and his long, pale limbs moving slightly to keep himself a float, his best friend looked like a gorgeous mermaid to him, completely at home in the water. It made Heero's heart ache, not only seeing just how beautiful Duo was, but also how very little he got to see of him like this, with not shyness or fear or haunting pain. He felt more than a little bit proud of himself for having given Duo this little moment, and for having been able to witness it.

 

 

 

After about an hour of just floating around each other, Heero jibed Duo into racing him. Swimming around each other in the large, deep blue pool was just as relaxing as when they had been still. It was the first time he had seen Duo laugh so freely, just acting like a teenager without the ghosts waiting behind his eyes to consume him. There was something strangely… intimate… seeing Duo with his long bangs stuck to his forehead, smiling at him, that Heero couldn't place. They both felt sad when they realized they needed to go back to the room and go to bed. When Heero first watched Duo get out of the water, his clothes clinging to him, giving him the appearance of a wt cat, Heero wanted to laugh, but he was just as swiftly struck with the image of Duo's clothes, nearly see through, plastered to his form. He froze in toweling his hair dry, his mouth and throat feeling raw, like he had swallowed sand, and his blood pulsated through his body. He couldn't pull his eyes away from the sight of Duo's slim, wet body and it wasn't until Duo started to wring the water out of his clothes and look at him sheepishly that he managed to snap out of his stupor.

“I probably should have brought dry clothes,” the longhaired boy said, starting to work on his braid, which had retained even more water than his shirt. Heero found himself grinning at the sheer amount of water that dripped out of those long locks.

“It's fine,” he assured him, brushing off his arousal like he had done hundreds of times before, even as a little, hidden bit of it remained to haunt him, “Both of us need to take showers anyway.”

Duo made a face, remembering how hard it was getting chlorine out of his long hair. Still, the slightly grimy feeling of the chemical on his skin made him yearn for a hot shower, and he was a bit tired from the long trip and swim, so a warm bed was equally tempting, even if it was a strange one. He would get over it. It wasn't the first time he had lied down in a bed that wasn't his own.

 

 

End Part 5