Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Road to Kindness ❯ Surgery Part 11 ( Chapter 18 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: shinigamiinochi
Name finally comes for the boys, but after hearing what has happened to Heero, will she be able to give Duo the forgiveness and acceptance that he craves? And when they finally arrive back in Maine, will he and Heero be able to leave behind their guilt, or will it continue to haunt their now fragile relationship?

Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Hentai / Psychological / Romance / Angst | Type: Yaoi | Uploaded On: 06.18.2009 | Pages: 5 | Words: 15.6K | Visits: 296 | Status: Work In Progress

The Road to Kindness
 
Author's Notes: I know, I know, it's been forever since I've updated anything, but I've been so busy. There was Anime Boston, then I got the flu, then I started a new class and a new job, too. I've been writing off and on, though. I'll try to update more, but I'm working a lot, so my writing has slowed a bit.
 
 
Chapter 7
Part 11
 
 
He didn't know if it was the dark feelings of guilt, the unrelenting pain that was still attacking his exhausted body, or his uncomforting surroundings, but Duo couldn't sleep. He closed his eyes and he could feel his tiredness wearing down on him almost like a physical, oppressive force, but he couldn't settle down, couldn't allow sleep to come. He was finally safe and he knew that logically, but he could smell his own blood in the room, could feel every throb and ache in his body vividly, and every time he closed his eyes, he could remember Heero's hurt, betrayed expression. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't possibly rest with those things, even though he could hear the soft voices of his friends through the door and felt a little comforted knowing that Name would be there soon, yet he didn't feel safe. He didn't know if he ever would again.
He had been so sure that Wes wouldn't make a move, that as long as he was around Heero, around his friends, he would be protected, but now he felt like, no matter what he did or where he went, he could never be safe. Would he even be safe at home? Would Heero be safe? Had he completely screwed up Heero's life just by trying to be friends with him? He didn't want to think that way. His life was so good now, he had a family, a home, true friends, even a job, why did he have to have all that taken away just because Wes couldn't let him go, because he was too proud, or crazy, to leave Heero alone? He didn't want these doubts, didn't want to feel so off balance again like he had back when he had first started to live with Heero, but he didn't know where he stood right now. He wanted to say that, if he had the strength, he could just run away again, but he didn't want to do that. He was just so tired of running, and he had promised so many people that he would try to talk things out instead of disappearing.
As much as the last twenty-four hours had taught Duo that some things would just never change, that horrible things couldn't just go away by wanting them to, he also realized that he was changing, he was a different person than he had been. He could run away, like he always did when things got bad, he could fall back on old habits and blame himself to the point that he was too scared to try to make things better, but he didn't want to do that. All he wanted was to see Name and tell her his fears, like he so often did, to have a sympathetic ear from the woman that had become a mother to him so quickly and deeply, even if she hated him, he wanted to fall into her arms and let her take care of everything. He didn't know what he would do if she denied him of that because of what he had done to her real son, he wasn't sure that he wanted to find out. In the past, he would have settled for relying on himself and ignoring how much pain he was in, but now he just wanted to know what he still had, to know that he hadn't completely fucked things up again.
At this point, he felt like some sort of tragic hero, whenever he got even remotely close to his goals, there was always something blocking his way and pushing him back down. He felt like everything was slipping through his fingers and he was struggling to get a grip again. Everything in his life had been going so perfectly, but he felt like all of the good things he had had been just a dream and this, the pain, shame, and loneliness were reality. He didn't want to believe that. He wanted to believe in Heero and the things he had promised him, even if Heero hated him and those promises seemed so meaningless now.
He had almost died. Duo couldn't deny that with the stinging slash on his throat, yet he didn't think it had truly hit him yet. For most of his life, he had looked towards his death, not with fear, but acceptance and anticipation. He had thought that he would always welcome it, an escape from all the bad things that had been forced on him. True, he had never believed in God and for him that went hand in hand with believing in an after life, but he had always felt like the darkness of death would be kinder than the darkness he had faced every waking moment as Wes' whore. But now, so many things had changed and he couldn't deny that, either. The truth was, somewhere along the way, he had changed… he didn't want to die. Why would he? Even if Heero hated him, things weren't like how they had been. His life would never return to what it had been, even if the unfamiliar both scared him and enthralled him. He didn't want to lose the life he had now and, for once, he was willing to fight for it, even if that mere thought scared the shit out of him. He didn't want to give up, to go back to the pained, weak person he had been. He didn't want to be that person ever again. But wasn't he? By letting this happen to Heero, hadn't he proven that he was just as weak and helpless as he had always been? He didn't know… he just didn't have the answers anymore, if he had ever had them.
Duo's muscles stiffened almost in a spasm as the door opened and Trowa walked back in. He quickly realized that his body was too tired for a more extreme reaction and instantly felt worried about his energy level. If he had felt stronger, he would have pretended that Trowa had woken him up, but he was too tired to put forth any sort of effort. He was on the verge of blacking out, which scared him, but at this point, he would have welcomed the elusive concept of sleep. He felt bad that he couldn't even pretend, just to make Trowa feel better, as his tall friend gave him a sad look at the realization that he hadn't slept at all.
“How is he?” Duo pressed, his concern for Heero overpowering everything else. Instead of scolding Duo about it, Trowa smiled softly in amusement.
“Heero's fine, I told you I'd take care of him,” Trowa chided as he approached the bed, sitting next to Duo, who struggled to sit up and failed. He squirmed a little as Trowa helped him to sit up, hating how helpless he was.
“Name called,” Trowa informed him, trying to do all that he could to keep Duo's spirits up, since he knew that that was just as important as Duo's health. He also knew that Duo would feel much better once he knew no one was going to scorn him.
“I told her everything you told me,” Trowa confessed, watching his friend closely for his reaction. He had wrestled with the decision to tell Name everything that had happened, wondering if Duo or Heero should be the ones to tell her, if they wanted to, but in the end he had decided to take the stress out of their hands and get it over with. Duo paled a little, but didn't seem to react anymore which only worried Trowa about how much more Duo could take without sleep and comfort.
“What did she say?” Duo murmured. He felt a little bit irritated that Trowa had told Name everything, but in reality, he would have told her everything anyway and he was actually pretty glad that Trowa had taken the decision out of his hands because he wasn't sure if he would have been able to tell the story twice without letting his memories drown him. Mostly, he was just too tired and didn't feel like he could trust himself to make any decisions.
“She didn't say anything,” Trowa said, “She just said that she should be here in a few minutes, but she sounded worried.”
`For Heero,' Duo thought bitterly and immediately hated himself for feeling that way. Name had told him that she considered him her son, so why couldn't he accept that she might still care for him that way? It hadn't taken her very long to get up here and it scared him to think of the sort of things she had done to get from Maine to Massachusetts in such a small amount of time. But had she just rushed over here for Heero, or could he believe that she was worried about himself?
“You know we're going to have to get you downstairs, right?” Trowa asked softly. Duo nodded. He would feel mortified if Name had to watch them drag him down the steps, not that he didn't feel that way anyway, considering the likelihood of him walking down those stairs was so small, it might as well be impossible.
“Can you walk?” Trowa asked, but with the weariness Duo was exuding, he already knew the answer. The teenager couldn't even sit up, let alone walk down to the street where Name had told them she would pick them up from. Trowa wished that he had thought of giving the phone right to Duo so he could have heard how frantic Name had sounded when he had told her about Duo's… injuries. Then, if Duo could just understand that Name still cared for him, that he still had that support that he always seemed to crave, maybe he wouldn't be so restless and pained. He didn't like that Duo seemed so conflicted at the news of Name's arrival. He should be happy and comforted, not anxious, and those twisted feelings had to be draining him either further.
“Or course he can't walk!” Quatre snapped from the doorway, striding into the room with a purposeful air. His face was pale just with the thought of the weak, exhausted looking Duo lying in the bed trying to walk. Duo blushed at the worry he saw in the blonde's expression, realizing that Quatre was thinking that, even though he was in too much pain and too weak to properly sit up under his own power, he was still going to try to walk down the steps on his own. Truthfully, the thought of trying to get out of the bed on his won was a little bit scary. All his body wanted to do was stay exactly where it was until the pain and aches went away. The prospect of, through some miracle, tackling who knew how many flights of stairs was practically terrifying. He didn't relish in using any of his lower body right now.
If he didn't feel so… shaken up, he might have tried doing things on his own, he had never liked being physically dependent on other people because there had been very few people he trusted in the past. Even when he had been in agony, he had struggled through it on his own because he didn't want to be vulnerable around anyone, so he had pretended to be strong. Now, however, not only did he not feel up to the task of pretending everything was fine, he just didn't want to anymore, not when he had people he could finally trust his wellbeing with. He supposed that was something else about himself that had changed. He had never been easy to trust anyone and he had always gotten along just fine by struggling on his own and now, losing those things had initially been hard for him to accept, but it was sort of nice to be able to relinquish responsibility so someone he trusted. It was still hard, a stinging part of himself prodding him to struggle like he always had, but mostly, he liked being able to trust his friends, he liked not being the only one in his life and not always being on point. What was wrong with that? It didn't seem right at the same time that it was a relief. He certainly didn't like the guarded, worried look Quatre was giving him. He knew that he had a habit of being stubborn and he was glad that he could change those habits. For once, he was glad that he was so tired and didn't feel up to fighting with anyone. He was just happy that Quatre and Trowa were so worried about him, he wasn't about to argue with that concern.
“No,” he told them in a soft, slightly ashamed tone, “I'm pretty sure I can't walk.”
Quatre and Trowa both gave him relieved, proud looks that made his chest tighten a little in a mix of happiness and guilt for being able to do something right, but a little bit ashamed that his surrendering happened so few times that they would even need to feel proud of him about it.
“Do you want to try?” Trowa asked diplomatically, ignoring the dirty look his lover threw him, “Or do you want me to carry you?”
A movement by the door drew Duo's vision and he saw Heero leaning against the wall by the door. Duo's chest clenched again, this time in a harsh pain, as he noted the pinched, irritated expression on the older boy's face. That look made Duo's face drain of color. Was Heero pissed because he was too weak to take care of himself, or was he just still mad that he had almost gotten him killed? He wanted to beg for forgiveness, to explain how hard he had tried to keep his past separate from his present, but what would be the point? He didn't deserve Heero's forgiveness and he really didn't think saying sorry was going to make this better. Fuck, but he just wanted to go home. He could deal with his problems with Heero later, but right now he wanted to curl up with his achingly familiar, star-printed sheets, he wanted to snuggle with his cats, and he wanted to see the comforting glow of the orb on his desk. He yearned for those things more than sleep or food. He just wanted those little comforts that had made up his home in such a small amount of time.
“You can carry me,” he murmured, feeling defeated. If he was too weak to even get out of bed without any sort of fight, he had to have hit a new level of low. It was no wonder that Heero was so ashamed of him. The bed dipped as Quatre sat on the edge of the bed and took his hands in his. It was only when compared to Quatre's steady hands that Duo realized his own hands had been shaking for awhile now.
“Name will be here very soon. Is there anything you need?” Quatre asked in a kind, soft voice that made Duo feel loved and relaxed at the same time. Quatre's entire manor was gentle, like he always was. In the room that smelled heavily of blood and his best friend's smoldering gaze on him, Quatre's concern and kindness made him want to cry and curl up in the blonde's warm, safe embrace. He shook his head.
“I just want to go home,” Duo murmured tiredly. Quatre smiled reassuringly at him, his thumbs lightly tracing over the deep bruises and cuts on the longhaired boy's wrists. Heero watched this, staying by the wall with the same irritated look, his arms crossed over his chest. He wanted to hold his injured best friend, he wanted to get him home where it was safe, but he couldn't do either. He was so frustrated, he wanted to punch a hole in the wall.
“Name's here,” Wufei announced as he popped his head into the room, Quatre's cell phone in his hand. His dark eyes met Duo's and Duo was surprised at how the acceptance there made him feel better. Anyone with eyes and common sense knew that he and Wufei had had a rocky friendship. In the beginning, when Wufei had been chasing him around, chomping at the bit for a romantic relationship, Duo had believed that Wufei had no respect for him. He still had no idea what Wufei had seen in him or why he had tried so hard to get a date out of him, but he did know that the Chinese boy had suffered in throwing in the towel, if not with grace, then with at least some respect for him and his needs. So, with Wufei's pursuing him and insults when he had learned about Duo's past, Duo was a bit shocked that he held Wufei's opinion of him so highly, but apparently, he did, since the thought of him disapproving of his actions in this made him feel ashamed.
“I'll be ok,” he called to Wufei, whose eyes widened as he realized how easily Duo had read his feelings. He blushed darkly and entered the room. His blush instantly faded away as his eyes strayed to the puddle of blood on the floor and he had to force himself to look away.
“Do you need help with him?” he asked Trowa shyly. He couldn't deny that he was still attracted to Duo, that hadn't changed, though he had given up trying to date him, so when Duo singled him out, he felt hot and bothered and Duo's injuries made him feel a bit overprotective. He wondered how Heero could possibly handle similar feelings without letting Duo know how he felt.
“I can handle him,” Trowa said with a shake of his head and looked at Duo, “Are you ready?”
Duo nodded, his heart beating faster in anxiety and anticipation, both at the prospect of having to move again so soon, and seeing Name. It seemed to him like it had been weeks since he had last spoken to her when it had only been days. By the door, Heero seemed to tense as Trowa gently wrapped an arm around his back and another under his knees and lifted him, cradling him to his chest. Heero looked even angrier at this and seemed to want to march over there which confused Duo, but he stayed by the door, watching Trowa's every move with stony eyes. Duo blushed a little as he realized how strong and graceful Trowa was as he easily get the both of them out of the room, down the hall, and down the steps without incident. He closed his eyes at the bright light of day and instantly wished it was Heero carrying him. Having Trowa do it made him feel…weird.
Neither Heero or Duo had realized just how long they had spent in the fake, dim light of the room and when they left the old hotel and were bathed in the bright sunlight of a cloudless mid-day, they had to squeeze their eyes closed. The small aches Duo had felt when his body had left the bed were nothing to the sharp pain he felt in his head when the bright light hit him. Quatre and Trowa shared another worried glance as Heero flinched and grabbed his head as he felt a similar, but more intense pain because of his head wound.
Name's car was like a beacon to the five boys. The Japanese woman was learning against the car, watching them anxiously, somehow looking immaculate through her worry wearing a pair of black slacks and a long-sleeved grey top. The only indication she gave that she had been rushing around in a panic was her slightly mussed black hair. She was at Trowa's side so quickly once she spotted Duo that Trowa was quite sure she had teleported. Duo was too shocked that she had gone to him first instead of Heero to say anything to her.
“Oh, Duo,” she breathed, her black eyes taking in every bruise, every speck of blood on his pale skin, the blanket wrapped around his legs was like a banner to her, a testament to what had happened. Trowa had pulled no punches in his story and at the time, listening to his deep voice telling her over the phone that Duo had been raped and both him and her son almost murdered, she had hated him, but now she was glad that she knew what had happened and what was going on. Duo looked half dead and he was shaking slightly. She questioned not taking him to a hospital, but she really just wanted to get him back home where she could take care of him properly. Rage filled her at the sight of the bloody gahs on duo's neck, but pushed it down. She would deal with finding the man responsible later, she promised herself.
Duo closed his eyes happily as Name stroked his bangs and forehead with a light, gentle hand. It felt good enough that he struggled against tears. If he had had the strength to, he would have hugged her as hard as he could.
“I'm so sorry,” he heard her pained whisper and looked up at her.
“It's not your fault,” he assured her and felt stupid. Of course it wasn't her fault, how could it be when it was his? He would never blame anyone but himself and Wes and Chris for this.
“How are you feeling?” she asked him, ready with anything he might need. The broken, strained smile he gave her broken her heart.
“I'm just tired,” he murmured. A tear finally escaped as she kissed his forehead, but he forced an iron control over the rest.
“I brought you a change of clothes if you want to get out of this shirt,” she offered and smiled brightly when Duo nodded energetically, the first show of strength he had given for several hours.
“I'll help you change,” Trowa said as he walked towards the car. Heero seemed to come to life by the sudden light in Duo's eyes and practically jumped to open the door for them. His anger seemed to lessen by a mere fraction with having some way to help. He could feel his mother studying him, but ignored her, knowing she would have questions for him later.
Trowa watched Heero from the corner of his eye as he helped Duo get seated in the back of the car. The blue-eyed teenager acted like he would help him when Duo groaned in pain a couple of times, but he never did. He just stood by the car door, his back ramrod straight, like an old English soldier, on guard and completely inanimate. Trowa snorted in irritation and would have smacked Heero upside the head for being so damn obvious and stubborn if he didn't sincerely believe Heero would break his nose for it. When Quatre finally understood what was going on between Duo and Heero, he would be furious at how Heero was treating his friends like ill-suffered intruders instead of asking them for help, but Trowa knew better. He knew that, when it came to the one you loved, the rest of the world could fuck off. Sure, Trowa loved his friends, he would do just about anything for them, but if any one of them came between him and Quatre, or if he was consumed with guilt over his love like Heero was, he would react in exactly the same way.
He didn't know who he felt worse for; Duo, who he knew for a fact was in love with Heero and thought that Heero was angry with him, or Heero, who he was pretty sure was in love with Duo, and thought Duo was scared of him. They had the sort of relationship that made you think it would last until they both died, but here it was, cracking and breaking because of the actions of a sociopath. One would think that what had happened would have made Duo and Heero closer, but it was doing the exact opposite and Trowa didn't know how to get involved without making things worse.
Trowa walked to the other side of the car and got in. Name shut the door on Duo's side, the tinted windows giving them privacy. Heero glared at the car, hating those windows and Trowa for suggesting to help Duo again with equal passion. He knew nothing romantic would ever happen between Duo and Trowa, but his heart absolutely refused to listen to his brain. He hated Trowa for something he had no right to hate him for and he hated himself for it. Why did this have to be so complicated? Back when Chris had been there and Heero had been thinking of all the things he would do if he and Duo lived through this, if anyone had told him he would react this way, he would have laughed at them. Duo was alive and safe, so why did he have to feel so miserable?
Heero's body tensed like a stone as his mother drew him into a hug so tight, it was painful. But, along with that pain was also a deep elation. It took mere seconds for his body to relax into his mother's embrace and he shuddered at the long awaited sensation of human contact. To his surprise, he found himself hugging her back.
“God,” she gasped in his ear, “I was so worried…”
Heero tried to imagine himself in her shoes, several states away and knowing for a fact that someone he loved was in danger, but couldn't. No, more like he refused to, it was too much like those times Duo had gone missing. He wanted to tell her that everything was ok, he and Duo were fine, but that was a lie. Nothing was fine. Everything felt… wrong and broken. He wanted to tell her that they hadn't been hurt, but that was a lie, too. Mentally, emotionally, and physically, both he and Duo had been hurt. They had almost died… he had very nearly had been forced to watch his best friend and secret love die very messily. He couldn't even imagine how his mother had been able to deal with his father's death. He had only gotten a small taste of what that sort of loss would feel like and it had left him completely shaken up. If Duo hadn't flinched away from him, he would have wrapped him up in a hundred blankets and tried very hard to hide him away from the world. He still wanted to do just that, but… he couldn't. Was this was addiction felt like, wanting something so badly, your body ached for it, but also knowing you couldn't indulge in it?
Suddenly, his mother let go of him, leaving him with a chill and the realization of how tired he was.
“Why are you so quiet?” she asked him with a searching stare. Heero shrugged.
“Trowa told you everything you need to know,” he replied, his voice tinged with bitterness. Name frowned at the tone, but couldn't figure out why Heero would sound that way.
“He didn't tell me how you were feeling or that you were acting oddly,” her frown intensified, “He did tell me that you hit your head. How bad is it?” she asked even as her fingers probed her son's scalp through his thick hair for the wound. It felt good, her touch and her concern, but Heero brushed her off anyway, sidestepping her exploring fingers.
“I'm not hurt,” he lied, even though he could still feel his headache pounding away inside his skull. Name gave him a stern look.
“Then why aren't you clinging to Duo like your life depends on it?” she countered. Quatre watched the two of them worriedly, wondering if he should tell Name what had happened between Heero and Duo. Trowa poked his head out of the car, unknowingly interrupting the staring match Heero and Name had found themselves in.
“We're ready,” he told them. There was an edge to his voice that spoke of weariness and worry.
“Is he ok?” Quatre asked. Trowa sighed.
“We just need to get him home,” he said, disappearing back into the car. Quatre saw the need to demand what was wrong in Heero's eyes, but also the self-control that kept him back. Quatre and Wufei had no such self control and scrambled into the back seat, leaving Heero with the front passenger's seat. Heero was slower getting into the car, but he impatiently turned in the seat to look at Duo and see what Trowa's look had been all about.
As bad as Duo had looked going into the car, slumped against the window with a half-dead expression, panting in exhaustion as though he had just run a marathon, he looked much worse now. Changing his bloodied shirt and stolen blankets for a pari of very loose sweatpants and long sleeved black shirt, though quick and efficient, had clearly take a lot out of Duo and when Trowa looked at him, he seemed guilty. Heero wanted to scream at him that if he had thought, even for a second, that Duo would become so… worn… just by changing clothes, he shouldn't have attempted it, but he managed to hold himself back. The sight of Trowa's jacket around Duo's shoulders made his blood boil, but when Duo shivered, he just felt hollow and cold all over again. He turned again in his seat and stared straight ahead, feeling useless and obnoxious. Name slid into her own seat and looked back at Duo, smiling sadly.
“How are you feeling, honey?” she asked in a soft, motherly tone. The look he gave her was bleary at best, looking like he was going to doze off at any second under Trowa's heavy coat, not because he was more relaxed, but out of sheer exhaustion and pain.
“Better,” he murmured. He felt more tired than before, but he did feel better in clean clothes and the comfort and familiarity of Name's car. Name herself was like a beam of pure happiness to him. He wished that she had dared to hug him and vowed that would be the first thing he did once he got some of his strength back because, at this point, he really needed a hug. It was still so hard for him to believe that she didn't even blame him for this, that she had been just worried for him as Heero. Everything that was going on air and him seemed to be washing over him in a haze and he realized he was finally crashing. He welcomed it, telling himself that as long as Name was around, he would be safe and he didn't even care that it was a huge lie.
Name and Heero watched Duo curl up under Trowa's jacket in his corner of the car and, finally, fall asleep with soft expressions that were so similar, anyone watching would know they were related. Name worried that even the smallest sound or movement would wake him, but even when she got the car going, he didn't stir. Looking through the mirror, Name noted that they all looked like worn refugees, tired and depressed, but Heero, who was still wearing old clothes and looked like he hadn't slept since they had been taken, and Duo looked the worst. Quatre's eyes were already half-lidded and both Wufei and Trowa looked like they were struggling to stay alert. Name knew she didn't look any better.
“I'm going to swing by the hotel so you guys can pick up your things,” Name whispered to Trowa, who looked the most alert of the five. He nodded back to her. He wanted to get Duo home and into bed as quickly as possible, but he also wanted Duo to take his medicine as soon as he was awake again, too, and knew Duo would be annoyed if they left their stuff in Massachusetts. On his right side, Quatre was blushing while Wufei, leaning his head on the car door and feeling a little crushed with three other people in the seat and them trying to make as much room for Duo as possible, looked completely not bothered with going back to the hotel.
“Does Mrs. Khushrenada know what happened?” Wufei asked in a low voice.
“I just told her that Duo got sick, so we have to take him home early,” Name told him, “That's all she has to know.”
Trowa nodded in agreement with her decision, his green eyes traveling to Duo, who looked uncomfortable curled up against the door the way he was, but Trowa knew that, with the exception of an excruciatingly loud noise, he wasn't going to wake up for anything now that he had finally fallen asleep. It was just so hard, nearly impossible, for him to believe that this whole hellish situation was over and he knew the others felt the same way. It had seemed like an eternity, searching and waiting for some elusive sign that their friends were ok, but once they had gotten it, everything had seemed to pass in the blink of an eye. Trowa still wasn't sure what he felt about all of it; rage, sadness, guilt, regret… all of that and more. He certainly couldn't blame Duo or Heero for their reactions and misunderstandings, even if it felt like such a huge waste to him.
It had only been a few hours since Trowa, Wufei, and Quatre had left the hotel after Name had called to tell them that she finally knew where they, or at least their cell phones, were, but it seemed so long that they had seen it, it looked both familiar and alien to them. All those hours of worrying and thinking the worst had taken its toll on the three of them. It seemed like they were all on the verge of sleep as Name drove into the hotel's parking lot, Quatre was already slumped against Trowa's shoulder, though Trowa couldn't be sure if he was really sleeping or his eyes were just closed, and he was sure they were all looking forward to grabbing their things and going home.
In the late winter season, the hotel wasn't very crowded, so getting the car through security and parked went without much stress. Name turned off the car and turned to Heero to ask if he wanted to grab his things along with Trowa and Wufei, or if he just wanted to stay in the car with Duo, at this point, she had no idea what her son would do anymore, but she found Heero sleeping like Duo, not quite as curled up, but looking just as impossible to wake and uncomfortable. She smiled fondly at him and gestured to Trowa to follow her as she left the car. As Wufei opened the door, Quatre woke, disoriented from the scant nap, and he blinked up at Trowa, who gently brushed his gold bangs from his eyes.
“Want to stay here and watch these two?” he asked the smaller boy softly. Quatre nodded sleepily. He still felt shaken from the day's events. Hearing about Duo's past and actually witnessing the aftermath of his friend's rape were completely different. Quatre was the type of person who always had a plan, always knew what to say and do five steps before he had to, so now, when he had absolutely no idea what to do, he felt fractured. Every instinct he had was telling him to comfort Duo and catch the evil man that had done this to his friends, but he didn't know how to comfort duo, what limited experience he had with dealing with this sort of thing was the short time he had seen Duo in the hospital, and all he knew about Chris was from what Trowa had said Duo had told him.
“I won't fall asleep again,” he promised. Trowa's smile was warm and it made Quatre want to kiss him, to escape to a gesture that was familiar and comforting, but he retrained himself.
“Just make sure they don't kill each other,” Trowa teased, ruffling Quatre's unusually mussed hair. The blonde gave his lover a horrified look, the idea of the normally best of friends fighting physically and him going up against the larger and stronger Heero seemed equally terrible. Logic told him that there was no way the two boys would fight in their current conditions, for each other's sakes, but logic had also told him that Heero should not be acting this aloof towards his best friend. He growled at Trowa, who was chuckling at him. As irritated as he was at Trowa, when he was gone and Quatre was alone, he wanted to abandon the car and race after him. The silence in the parking garage was too loud, leaving him with nothing to do but think about what had happened. He scooted over on the seat until he was right next to Duo, who seemed to relax when he stroked his bangs.
“What a mess,” he murmured to himself.
 
*****
 
As the three of them walked into the hotel, Trowa felt a bit like a criminal, on the look out for Une, nervously, like he had done something wrong. Though he hated lying, he had always been good at hiding things, at pretending one thing while feeling something completely different. This time, however, he was sure his feelings would be as plain as day if he had to face the teacher and he really didn't feel like going through an elaborate song and dance right now. He was sure that the three of them made quite an impression with the hotel's staff in between Name's celebrity status and his and Wufei's zombie-like expressions. The front desk knew that all of the students had to check in and out, but they took one look at Name and didn't say a word to any of them.
Their room looked almost exactly the way they had left it the morning before Heero and Duo had disappeared. Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei had come back several times to check if Heero and Duo had returned, but had only staid in the room last night to sleep, not bothering to make up the beds. With their clothes strewn about, the beds unmade, and the bathroom filled with old towels from the morning, the room was a mess. The maids had obviously decided not to touch their personal things, but the TV they had left on in their rush this morning was off and their dishes were gone. Heero and Duo's areas of the room were exactly how they had left them, it had seemed sacrilegious at the time to touch any of their things.
If they hadn't been in such a hurry to leave, Trowa would have straightened up a little, loathe having the maids deal with the mess, but all he cared about was grabbing their things. Wufei was already getting together his and Quatre's clothes and the way that the normally meticulous boy was throwing and shoving things back into the suitcases showed Trowa how much Wufei wanted to leave, too. He looked over at Name and almost laughed at the neat, caring way she was folding and separating Heero's clean and dirty clothes as she put them in the suitcase. Even in a situation like this, she was a mother first.
Trowa moved to Duo's area and paused as he surveyed his things. The longhaired boy's mess was significantly different from everyone else's. Trowa and Wufei were neat, having very little to clean up, but Duo was… coordinated. Trowa easily recognized the signs of someone who was used to having to grab his things quickly, as though he were used to being chased and Trowa was sure that he was. It was chilling, looking at the drastic differences between Duo's things and everyone else's. Wufei and Trowa's things were separated by dirty and clean, the dirty things in bags and the clean things folded neatly in piles near their side of the bed, Quatre and Heero were more messy, clean things in lazy piles and dirty things tossed about. But Duo's things, both dirty and clean, had been mixed together and haphazardly thrown into his duffle bag. It made him feel sad just to look at it. With reverent care, as though he were touching something precious, Trowa refolded Duo's clean clothes and put them more neatly in the duffle bag before going to the bathroom to retrieve his medicines. His fingers wrapped around the hard plastic of one of the medicine bottles tight enough to hurt. Trowa couldn't help but think of what might have been, if Chris had never kidnapped Duo and Heero, what the five of them would be doing right now and how, this alternate reality of Duo almost dying and Heero hating Trowa and himself would have passed them all by like a ghost in the night, never coming to mind. He quickly shook the depressing thought away and finished collecting the various things they had left in the bathroom.
 
*****
 
It had hurt, but then again, sex always hurt. No matter how careful his partner was, there was always that spark of pain, followed by a wave of humiliation, and Chris had never been careful with him. The pain had been excruciating, but in its own way, it had been kind of nice, because he was so used to it. It was true what they say, that even terrible things can become comfortably familiar. Even the way that he hadn't been able to distinguish between his blood and Chris' cum, was familiar. What they didn't say, however, was that, just because something is familiar or comfortable, it didn't make it any less terrible or wrong.
Everything had felt like a skipping record, the same thing, repeating over and over. The smell of sex and blood in the air, Chris' strong hands biting into his hips, his heavy body pushing into his own, smaller one, the sickening feeling of his large cock inside of him… thinking of these things made him feel ill, but they were things he had experienced since childhood, so, as terrible as they were, there were comforting, making him feel like he was falling into something dark and intangible, but warm.
Then, just when he thought he was going to keep falling forever, he heard Heero's screams, as shocking as a slap, terrible, yet also oddly comforting with their presence. If only he could tell Heero that…
 
 
 
Duo's eyes slowly opened as he awoke in confusion, not sure where he was or even what he had dreamt about, though he felt that it was something awful. The feeling of motion when he wasn't actually moving told him where he was long before his eyes and body registered that he was still curled up against the car door. He still felt like he had been hit by a very large truck, so he hadn't been asleep for very long. The sight that greeted him when he looked out the tinted window didn't give him a lot of information, just that they were on a highway that was exactly like all highways, it was impossible to tell what state they were in. It was a struggle to keep his eyes open, but he chanced a quick look around the car. All of his friends were fast asleep, even Trowa, who had Quatre tucked against his side.
Duo smiled at the sight of the two lovers, feeling warmed and lonely at the same time. His body urged him to fall back asleep again, wanting to escape the pain for a bit longer, but he ignored it, not liking how out of it he felt.
 
 
“I love you.”
 
 
Duo quickly squeezed his eyes shut, curling up tighter so he was completely covered by Trowa's jacket. No, he didn't want to think about that right now. But… all those things he had tried so hard to bury deep inside of him were starting to bubble to the surface again and he knew it wouldn't be very long before he would be forced to face the darkness that had almost consumed him not too long ago.
He didn't want to think, didn't want to dream, but there was a glaring thought that refused to be ignored anymore.
Wes had found him again. Not directly, but if he had wanted to come after him, himself, he could have and that terrified Duo. He had hoped, more than anything else he could hope for, that Wes was out of his life for good. Yes, he had some seriously conflicted feelings about Wes, he hated and loved the man with such intensity that it made him sick just to think about him, but he couldn't deny the man was seriously bad for him and it was a good thing that Wes wasn't around him anymore. Yes, he knew that Wes would always be in his thoughts up until the day he died, no matter how hard he tried to forget him, but he had hoped he would be able to hide from his monster of a guardian in the safety of his new life.
The one thing that this trip had shown him, more than his weakness, helplessness, and how he had put everything he loved in jeopardy, was that, no matter where he went, no matter how far he ran or how deeply he hid, Wes would always be there. With that unsettling thought, Duo fell back asleep.
 
*****
 
Unknown by the boy's, Name broke the same speed traffic laws returning home as she had leaving it and managed to get them all back in Maine by seven p.m. By that time, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei had woken up, though Heero and Duo were still sleeping, and Wufei gave Name directions to his house. He had no idea what he was going to tell his parents about why he was back so early, and he was hesitant about leaving Duo, but the sight of his humble little grey house with the bright red shutters and the deep green mailbox he had hated when he had first saw it and now secretly loved was the most wonderful thing he could think of. He told himself that he was being stupid, he wasn't hurt of emotionally scarred, so he shouldn't want to see his parents this badly, but the feeling refused to fade.
Trowa and Quatre felt the same way when they reached the Yuy's house, though neither had parents to greet them. For the first time in a very long time, Quatre missed his father. Trowa vowed to call his sister, the only real family he had left, though he didn't know if it was out of pure jealousy of watching Wufei's mother hug him tightly in their driveway, or because this trip had brought out such feelings of want and nostalgia in him.
“Heero, time to wake up,” Name nudged her son awake. Heero was instantly awake and alert and it saddened Name when she realized, subconsciously, Heero was still in that blasted room, ready to fight for his and Duo's lives. She turned to watch Trowa wake Duo up in the same manner, though it took longer for Duo's eyes to open. Name smirked at the half-lidded, kittenish look Duo gave Trowa, like a little kid that had been woken for school.
“We're home,” Trowa told him softly. The relieved smile Duo's sleepy expression turned into was beatific and he eagerly looked out the window, as though he didn't quite believe what Trowa was telling him.
Duo stayed put, even though he really wanted to just run into the house, as the other four left the car, Name opening the trunk to unpack the suitcases. Trowa watched Heero closely as the blue-eyed boy walked towards Duo's door, only to pause. Quatre was also watching him and he saw how much Heero wanted to be the one to open the door and help Duo into the house, but he didn't move. Quatre snorted, ready to force Heero to interact with Duo if he had to, but Trowa broke the stillness by being the one to open the door. Heero, as though he didn't even realize his own hesitation, glared at Trowa's back as the tall boy helped Duo into the large jacket.
“It's cold,” Trowa warned, “but you don't seem to be shaking anymore.”
“I feel a little bit better,” Duo admitted, letting Trowa and Quatre help him out of the car. He stumbled once his feet met the pavement of the driveway and Heero tensed, ready to come running if Duo looked like he was about to fall. With Quatre and Trowa holding an arm, Duo managed to right himself quickly.
“Do you want Trowa to carry you, honey?” Name asked as she dragged the last suitcase out of the trunk. Duo shook his head. He didn't know if it was the medicine, food, or sleep, but he was no longer shaking and he felt that he could actually walk without falling on his face. He was nowhere near ready to run or do jumping jacks, but walk over to the door and up to his room he was sure he could manage.
“I want to try it on my own,” he told her. Name studied him for a few seconds, then turned to Trowa.
“Alright. Trowa, help me with the suitcases,” she ordered. Between the four remaining boys, there were four suitcases and a duffle bag that the two of them managed to maneuver towards the door. Heero tried to take Duo's suitcase from his mother, but she shooed him away.
Duo quickly realized in walking up the path to the front door that, while he could walk under his own power, he had to go very slowly and carefully as he fought through waves of weakness, especially in his lower body. Quatre kept a comforting hand on Duo's back, but let him walk on his own with Heero trailing behind them like a silent guard or a protective dog.
As Duo took his first, shaky steps into the front hallway, he paused and took a deep breath, breathing in the familiar smells of his home, the light, floral aroma of the roses on the hallway table, the comforting, heavier smells of his cats, even the almost not-there smells of cleanliness and wood. He felt that chunk of fear and cold hopelessness that had been gripping his heart since he had come to in that damn, abandoned room give away and he fought the urge to just collapse in the hallway. He had believed that he would never see this wonderful place again, yet here he was. After almost dying, after running away, after being help captive by Wes and having to stay in the hospital for so long, he had come home time after time. If it was true that Wes would always be in his life, could it also be true that he would always return to this house?
Duo shivered in utter joy at that thought and continued towards the steps. He felt Quatre's hand leave him as the blonde went to help Name get the suitcases to the stairs. Duo made it up two steps before a tremor of weakness went down his lower back to his right leg. The attack was so sudden, he didn't have the time to grab the railing or even cry out for help before he felt himself falling. Suddenly, a strong chest was pressed against his back and an equally strong arm wrapped around his waist, keeping him from falling further, his knees saved from hitting the steps. He knew, right when he felt that chest and that arm, who had saved him, but when he twisted his head around, he still felt inexplicably shocked to find deep blue eyes staring back at him. Heat blossomed in his chest. His heart wanted to revel in the warmth of Heero's body against his, wanted to cry with how good it felt, to actually feel him, alive and comforting, just like always. His body, on the other hand, flinched from Heero once more, his mind bombarded with images of his blood on Heero's skin, tainting him.
Heero wanted to pull Duo closer to him, to hug him and protect him, but the flinch prevented him from doing it. Duo still didn't want him touching him and Heero's heart felt torn in two. It screamed at him to let go, because that was what Duo wanted him to do, but at the same time, was too scared to do it in case Duo ended up hurt. This time, in such a precarious position, Heero couldn't give Duo space for his own safety. Was it so wrong that he, greedily, was glad about that?
“Baka,” Heero growled. Duo looked away from him, ashamed. He had no idea what that word meant, but Heero sounded so upset, and Duo just knew he had let him down again. Looking after him, after all that had happened, had to be a chore for Heero, but Duo felt lost for words, stuck somewhere between “thank you” and “sorry”.
`Baka!' Heero's thoughts repeated the word. He was a complete and total idiot! Just because Duo didn't want him around didn't mean Heero should completely separate himself from his friend. Duo needed him in more ways that one, whether he would acknowledge it or not and by distancing himself this way, he had not only put more responsibility on his mother and friends, he had put Duo in danger, again. Was he doomed to repeat the same mistakes with Duo over and over?
“Duo!” Quatre cried out when he saw what had happened and they all came running.
“I've got him!” Heero snapped.
“Heero-,” Duo started to apologize.
“Quiet,” Heero grumbled, sure that Duo was going to demand him to leave him alone, “I'm carrying you. You can walk when we're off the steps.”
The two boys missed Quatre's relieved look at Heero finally interacting with Duo again, even in agitation. Heero picked Duo up like Trowa had in the abandoned hotel and cradled him in his arms. Duo felt the comforting heat he always felt when he was near Heero and he closed his eyes, relaxing in Heero's hold. It seemed like every thought he had was screaming at him that he had no business enjoying Heero's touch. His guilt ate at him, demanding him to ask Trowa for his help instead, but for something that was wrong, it felt so right. He didn't care about his thoughts or his guilt, in this moment, he just wanted to be held by the boy he loved. Couldn't he have that one, little thing?
Name watched them carefully as Heero brought Duo to his room, afraid that Heero had a concussion and would end up dropping Duo, but he never did. Despite what he had said, Heero didn't put Duo down once they got to the top of the stairs and he carried him into his bedroom. With his eyes closed, Heero wondered if Duo was sleeping and hoped that he was. It was nice, being able to touch duo without that damned flinch, or the disgust and hesitation in his pretty, violet eyes. However, when they got to his bedroom, Duo's eyes slowly opened and Heero knew, with a great deal of regret, that Duo wouldn't allow him to carry him anymore.
Everything in his room was so exactly like he left it that Duo was shocked when Name turned on the light. He didn't know exactly why he was so shocked, but he was. Maybe it was because it felt like it had been a huge amount of time since he had been in this room. He didn't even care about his shock, he just wanted to revel in all the things about this room that he had been longing for. He could already feel Boston fading around the edges in his memory, the gaps filled with his room and his house as more real.
As Heero helped Duo back onto his feet, Shiva, who had been napping on the bed with Toby, Shei, and Sammy, jumped down and padded over to Duo, looking as excited as any cat could. She twined around his legs, rubbing against him and purring very loudly. Toby watched all this from the bed, his tail twitching eagerly at the sight of his owner. Duo seemed to completely light up at the sight of his cats. Heero was scared that Duo would try to bend down and pick Shiva up, so he grabbed the black cat before Duo could move and handed her to him. The smile on Duo's face was all Heero needed to forget both his headache and his anger.
“Hi, there, sweetheart,” Duo cooed, stroking his cat's back. Shiva mewed at him and butted her head against his chin affectionately. Heero put a hand on Duo's back, propelling him towards the bed, not wanting Duo to stand on his obviously weak legs anymore. As Duo sat on the bed, Toby and Sammy swarmed him, eager to snuggle with him. Shei awoke and seemed to realize that something was happening and stumbled towards Duo, who picked her up in one hand.
“How has she been?” he asked Name as she brought in his duffle bag and suitcase. She smiled at the sight of the tiny black kitten chewing happily on any finger she could reach.
“She's eating solid food very well, but she cries at night if someone isn't with her,” she told him, unzipping the duffle bag and suitcase, starting to put away his clean clothes.
“You don't have to do that,” Duo insisted.
“Yes I do,” Name said with a smile, “You have to sleep,” she looked at Quatre and Trowa, who were trying to find some way of helping out, “You two are excused. You can take a nap or help me with dinner if you're looking for something to do,” her sharp eyes fell on Heero, who was watching Duo pet Shei's tiny, pointed ears with a soft look, “and you are going to bed, too.”
Heero glared at her, but didn't protest. The nap in the car hadn't done very much to make him feel less tired and he didn't feel up to arguing with anyone. The cats jumped off Duo's lap as Quatre and Trowa approached him. Duo put Shei down on his pillow as Quatre hugged him briefly.
“Get better,” he urged in a heartbroken voice. Duo hugged him back, glowering a little when Trowa ruffled his hair.
“Night,” he bade them. He felt a strange pang in his chest when he watched them leave, the two lovers holding hands and whispering to each other. Heero followed them, but paused at the door.
“Good night, Duo,” he murmured, disappearing before Duo could respond. A turbulent sadness filled Duo's heart and he had to blink away tears. Name stood from where she had been putting clothes into the dresser and sat next to Duo on the bed, helping him out of Trowa's jacket.
“We'll help you shower, if you need, when you wake up, and I'll make you some nice tomato soup,” she soothed. Duo nodded, but seemed trapped in his own, miserable world. Name caught his broken, depressed expression and turned to envelope him in a careful, loving hug. Duo's eyes widened slightly at her sudden display of comfort and affection. He felt her long fingers stroking his mussed hair and he hugged her back just as tightly, pressing his face into the soft curve of her shoulder. She still loved him, he realized. Sure, she had brought him back home and spoken softly to him, he had never been able to fully trust another person's words. Words, in his world, often turned out to be sweet-sounding lies, but what another person did to you was almost always the truth and Name's impassioned hug felt more reassuring than her words ever could.
“I'm so sorry, sweetheart,” she murmured to him, “I thought you would be safe… I never should have let you go…”
Duo's fingers gripped Name's top as he heard the guilt in her voice, panicked to realize that she really did blame herself for his mistakes.
“No,” he protested, “you couldn't have known something bad was going to happen! You don't know Wes or Chris, I should have told you what they would resort to, that Heero might be in danger. What happened was my fault, it should have been me, just me, not Heero!”
Name let go of him, cupping his face in her hands to look him in his teary eyes.
“No, Duo,” she said gently, “I've said this dozens of times, and even if I have to say it hundreds more, I will, it wasn't your fault, not any of it. I knew what Wes was like when you told me what he had done to you. And don't you ever say that it should have been you! It shouldn't have been either of you!”
“But aren't you angry that I put Heero in danger?” Duo demanded.
“I'm angry at Chris for kidnapping my son, but I'm just as upset that you were involved. Heero made a choice to be your friend and he knew exactly the danger that entailed. I don't blame you, anymore than I blame him for not being more careful, for not sticking with your friends,” Name told him. Duo's eyes widened as though the thought that Heero could have even a tiny bit of blame in this had never occurred to him.
“I don't blame you, Duo. I will never blame you,” she repeated, wiping away the tears that were spilling down Duo's cheeks at her words, “I'm just so sorry we couldn't protect you like we had promised.”
“You couldn't have protected me from him,” Duo told her, “if Wes wanted to, he could take me from school or work. You guys can't be with me every second. Besides, up until that point, I had a lot of fun in Boston. I'm glad you let me go… but Heero…”
Name shook her head.
“Don't worry yourself sick about Heero. I'm sure he's glad he went, too, especially if he knows you had fun,” she tried to assure him. Duo thought that what fun they did have couldn't have been worth the heartache they had all suffered, and surely Heero knew that, too. But the trip had taught him, through meeting Amaaya and Chris again, that he couldn't hide who he was and, sooner or later, Wes was going to come for him until he got what he wanted. The man would never give up, he didn't have it in him to. So… if what had happened was inevitable, maybe the fun he had had in Boston was worth it.
“I'm not the only one that needs protection anymore. Chris mentioned that Heero is a threat, too, and if Wes thinks that, then all of my friends could be in danger!” Duo realized in a panic. What in hell had he gotten all of them into? Was he destined to lose everything he loved? If that was the case, he should just give up before anymore terrible things happened! Maybe if he bargained himself, willingly, for his friends' lives, then…
Name saw the panic and surrender in Duo's eyes and felt fear stab her heart, not wanting to know exactly what he was thinking of doing. She grabbed his shoulders, bringing him out of his dark thoughts.
“I won't let anything happen to any of you,” she promised with conviction, “That includes you. You life is just as important to me as my son's. I'm not about to let that bastard get to you without a fight!” she kissed his forehead, brushing his bangs out of his face. Duo felt a bit of the darkness gripping his heart lift. He knew what Wes was capable of, he had witnessed more of the terrible things the man was willing to do than he would ever admit to anyone, but he also wanted to believe in Name, wanted to believe in her words more than anyone else he had ever met. He knew what a dangerous road he was going down, in more ways than one, but couldn't help but to surrender to the only adult that had ever loved him.
“I'm glad I'm home,” he murmured out loud. Name smiled tenderly at him.
“I'm glad you're home, too. Now, let's get you into bed,” she soothed. Duo let her help him into bed. It made him feel like a little kid, but the feeling was far from bad. She pressed one final kiss to his cheek.
“Good night, sweetheart,” she said softly.
“Good night… Name,” Duo choked over her name as he realized how dangerously close he had come to calling her “Mom”. It nagged at him, but he didn't want to think or worry over it right now. Name turned on the orb and shut the door half way. He didn't know if she realized he couldn't handle a closed room, so soon after escaping one that had almost been his death place, but he was grateful, no matter her reasons.
Duo carefully, and slowly, rolled over onto his side, making room for Shiva, who curled up against his chest. He preferred sleeping on his stomach, but his abdomen hurt too much and it was too uncomfortable to sleep on his back. As Sammy and Toby curled up on the pillow near Duo's head, Shei stumbled towards him and rubbed her head against his neck. He scratched the top of her head and smiled at the low purr she gave him and how she fell limp where she was in relaxation. He knew the feeling. Climbing up the steps had taken a lot out of Duo, something that he had been too ashamed about to tell anyone, considering that he hadn't made it halfway up them before someone had to help him. So, while he felt relaxed because he was finally home, and everything was familiar and comforting, he was dead tired again. He felt like he was sliding backwards. If climbing the steps was enough to wipe him out and make the pain come back, how was he going to handle school in just a few days?
He didn't want anyone to know what had happened, not even Treize or Une. He was so used to being ignored when he had glaringly obvious injuries, but now that he was Heero's `best friend', if he acted strange at all, rumors about him would fly even more than usual. There were still some people who believed he was Heero's personal whore, and as much as those rumors angered him, he knew they weren't going to die very quickly.
Duo sighed heavily and continued to pet Shei, who had fallen asleep, her bad leg tucked against her body, but not looking as badly as it had the last time he had seen her. She was still tiny, but he could feel her little heart beating under his fingers. It would be so easy… to dote on the sick cat, to use her to forget his current demons. She was alive and warm, and loved him without understanding his guilt towards Heero. What he really wanted was Heero, but he couldn't even reach out to him. Heero didn't need him, he didn't even want him, but Shei did. But… did he really want to turn the helpless kitten into a mere distraction? Did he want to be reminded of his painful heartache every time he looked at her? He just wanted to forget the last twenty-four hours… but no matter how hard he tried, his thoughts kept trailing back to it and how, if he didn't have warm, living things near him, he would have started to cry again.
 
*****
 
Right after tucking Duo into bed, Name walked to the next room over to check up on her son. Duo might have thought his act had fooled her into thinking he was going to be fine, but she knew better. She saw the exhaustion and weariness in his eyes and could only hope that being back home really would do him some good. She still felt like she was in shock from what had happened. The thought that something like this could happen had occurred to her, but to have it actually happen… The thing was, any mother would have blamed Duo for almost getting Heero killed. It really wasn't his fault, but shouldn't her maternal instincts make her irrational and emotional right now?
But she did feel emotional and irrational, just not towards Heero. That she was angrier at Chris for touching Duo than threatening her son's life told her just how much she cared for the boy and where those emotional instincts were focused. She was terrified and enraged that her baby had been put in that situation, but the physical evidence was obvious on Duo's skin, she couldn't deny that. Not with the vivid cut on his throat.
Name opened her son's door and quietly stepped inside. All the lights were off, but the fading sunlight was still coming through the window. Heero was lying on his side, his back to her, but his breathing was deep and low and she didn't want to risk waking him if he really was asleep, though she doubted he had fallen asleep so quickly. She sighed softly. She had really wanted to talk to him before he went to bed. She knew that he was hiding from her, and that hurt. Sure, he had never been the sort of child that openly told her everything, but what had happened was huge and she had hoped he would confide in her his fears, as well as why he was being so cold towards Duo, who certainly needed him now more than ever. Surely Heero didn't blame Duo? She couldn't imagine him being that shallow, especially after the last and only time he had blamed him for anything…
Name closed the door as quietly as she could behind her and walked down to the kitchen. Quatre and Trowa were already sitting at the table, drinking tea and coffee. She poured herself a cup, black. God knew she needed the caffeine. Quatre smiled at her as she sat down at the table, but it was thin and tired.
“Did Duo fall asleep?” Trowa asked her. Name shook her head.
“I left before he did,” she told him.
“He's having trouble sleeping,” Trowa mentioned, “When we were waiting for you, I left him alone to take a nap, but he couldn't sleep.”
“Maybe he was too anxious, or in too much pain,” Quatre suggested, “he had no problem sleeping in the car.”
“I'll check on him in a little while,” she assured Trowa, “He's a little emotional, not that I blame him, but I think he's too tired not to sleep. Now, which one of you wants to tell me what's going on with Heero?”
Quatre blushed darkly while Trowa quickly looked away from Name.
“I'm not sure what happened between them,” Quatre said softly, “Duo doesn't seem to want Heero to touch him and Heero is so angry…”
“They both blame themselves for what happened,” Trowa theorized, “And they both think that the other blames them, so they're hurt and distancing from each other.”
“That sounds like them,” Name mused, “but they're both too stubborn to admit how they feel.”
That statement was true and ironic, Trowa had to bitch his lip to keep from laughing. Name was right about Duo and Heero being too stubborn to admit their feelings, in more than just one way.
“So, you're saying we'll have to… what? Intervene? Force them to talk to each other?” Quatre asked, “Can we really do that? If they don't take it upon themselves to fix things, it won't be genuine and I don't want to make them feel like they've done something wrong.”
“Quatre's right,” Trowa added, “We don't know for sure what's wrong and if we try to drag them together before they're ready, they'll just get defensive and fight against us, they might even stop trusting us.”
“So what do you think we should do?” Name asked him, wondering how Trowa had become so intoned with Heero and Duo's relationship in such a short time, or how, if that understanding had been there for a long time, she had missed.
“Give them time,” the tall boy advised, “What happened is still too vivid. Duo was just raped, they both almost died, they need to deal with those things before they can focus on fixing their friendship.”
Name took a sip of her coffee, watching Quatre give Trowa a tired, worried look, seeming overwhelmed by Trowa's suggestion, the need to fix things too deeply ingrained in the blonde to easily step aside.
`Heero and Duo aren't the only ones who need to heal,' she thought sadly.
 
*****
 
Heero opened his eyes and rolled onto his back when he heard his mother close his door and walk downstairs. HE stared up at his ceiling, which was plastered with sunlight and long shadows. He, briefly, felt guilty about faking sleep, just so he didn't have to talk to her, but he didn't want to talk to anyone right now, especially his mother, who would no doubt drag the truth out of him.
He needed time to himself, he needed time to think things through, without anyone trying to make him feel `better'. Duo didn't trust him anymore, he had failed him and had let terrible things happen to him. He needed to make things better, not be told false, sweetly reassuring platitudes.
Heero rolled back onto his side, feeling restless. He wished that he could hear Duo through the wall that separated their rooms. If he couldn't touch him, he wanted some other evidence that he was fine, that he was safe. It was hard to believe that, even though he knew it.
He was so tired, all the worries and stresses of the last twenty-four hours hadn't ebbed a bit, yet while all those things were tiring, they also kept him wired and awake. He felt like he had so long ago, when he had been so angry at Duo and had thought the worst of him staying awake, unable to sleep, overwhelmed by his conflicting feelings for Duo. He covered his eyes with his hands, digging in his palms. He faintly wished that his mother had stayed. He didn't want to talk, but he felt lonely. Angel and Cotton were sleeping in their corner of the room that they had claimed and they looked so strange curled up there, considering the turmoil he was going through with their owner.
Heero suddenly understood Duo's unique connection to his cats. He understood his need to be loved, to confide in another living creature, but unable or unwilling to reach out to people. People were complicated and often unsympathetic, they could lie when all you wanted was the truth, but the cats were affectionate and incapable of judging him for what he felt. If cotton and Angel had been awake, Heero was sure he would have broken down and indulged in the urge to let everything in his heart out, but they weren't, so he simply staid awake, searching vainly for sleep, staring out of his window, though night had blanketed anything outside that might have given him comfort.
 
 
End Part 11
 
Damn, but this chapter is getting pretty lengthy and there's still a lot to write about.