Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Shadow's Nose and other GW Parodies ❯ The Shadow's Nose ( Chapter 1 )

The Shadow's Nose

By Tygerlilee and Fyerbelle

*My sister and me were up just a little too late after eating a little too much cream cheese frosting and drinking a little to much milk (We live on the wild side!), so beware. This takes "some" of the well-loved stereotypical fanfic actions to the extreme.

*Note: some phrases will sound completely idiotic and redundant, the grammar atrocious, and the spelling ridiculously off. We put them there on purpose. We are not morons, we swear.

*Disclaimer: Neither me, nor my sister (as much as she wishes it) own Gundam Wing...sniff, sniff. If we did then we would be filthy rich and it wouldn't matter if we were sued because we could afford it, thus this whole thing is completely pointless. Also, we do not own any of the songs used in this. Most belong to Disney and two belong to Pioneer (the Tenchi Muyo songs).

And on with the story.

Scene 1

The Appearance of Fuzzy-Navel Fang

Bang, bang, bang!

Heero shot up out of bed like a rocket with its tail smoking. He rolled out of bed with his feet caught in his sheets and grabbed his magical gun out of his magical spandex biker shorts and skid to the door in his socks.

Without any hesitation, he threw the door open and aimed his shiny gun of no particular make (but it is shiny!!) and firmly planted it between the poor late-night visitor's eyes.

"Who, Hee-man (which, by the way I never called you during the show, but hey, it's catchy), would you mind taking that shiny gun away from my head and pointing it elsewhere (did I mention that the gun was shiny?)?" Duo cheerfully asked, even though it was two in the morning when Duo is usually making mad love to Hilde, his partner in the salvaging business, what is the salvage business anyway, what does it do, I mean who the heck came up with that name any way, and of course, Duo and Hilde must make out constantly, even though everyone is at risk of losing their lunches, hey, kind-of reminds me of my high school where everyone has to suck face in between classes and can't last a measly three hours or so, but this story isn't about the beautiful dreamy all powerful authoresses (did I need comma's there?) who must insert theirselves somewhere or else all is lost, so this must be important. (I did say that the gun was shiny, right? I mean, like, that is, like, the most important, like, and creative description. Don't you, like, so agree?)

"Duo, even though I'm not going to applogize for nearly killing you because I'm an emotionless dweeb with no life except to be Relena's shadow. That, and I'm totally obsessed with her body. If you see her now, she looks totally different from the little girl she was two years ago when she was fifteen. She has shaped out with all the right curves in all the right places, and where's skimpy little tube tops and shows off her perflect, chicken legs (which consequently go up to her arm pits, but it's kind-of hard to see since in the show she where's long dresses and not miniskirts as in Sailor Moon). Her honey blond, or is it dirty blond, beige, or dark blond, tresses which catches the sun and flows down her back to her knees, and somehow she manages to hold her head up with no back pains, maybe she's addicted to advil (hey, I'm serious here. Hair weighs a TON. Mine goes to my rear, and its heavy!!). Oh, and her baby blue, maybe its aquamerine (whatever that color is, but hey, it's more than two silibles so I'll put it in) or vilot, or prisitne (is that a color?), eyes (stops for a breath) and so very sexy. No personality though, since I've always been to busy looking at her to notice her brain-washed speeches. Consequently, she really looks just like she did two years ago because anime characters have a perfect figure from the age of fourteen up, thus they don't really change at all. Boy, I'm ruining my image here. I better say 'Hn.' A couple times," Heero stops for another breath. "Hn. Hn."

"That's great Heero, but Relena's been captured by the Fuzzy-Navel Fang and we can't find her. I don't know why they formed, because what phycose actually like killing, and if they did (Hilter, cough, Stalin, cough, hack) they would be commited emediatly. Okay, so maybe she's not actually been captured, yet. But she might be and we need you're help since you're the hero, Heero, and we can't take care of ourselves much less that little hime. We need you to keep an eye on Relena for us, but don't let Zechs see you because, somewhere in all the fighting, he started hating you and not respecting you and became increadibly protective of his baby sister, who just happens to be one of the most highly respected people in the entire universe, noting of course that as we know it, earth is the only planet that can support life, so I say that just because it sound's impressive."

"Hn," says Heero. "Let me concider (sp?) this for a moment." Heero shuts the door, leans his back against it, puts one hand to his mouth and says "Hmm." Then he thinks, "Hmmm." Then he says "Hn." And then he thinks "Hn." Then he finally thinks, "If I don't protect her, no one can, but its risky since I'm obsessed with her and must have her body, some-one else can have her mind. Zechs, even though he's supposed to be on Mars with the Terra-forming project, has suddenly come back a year and eleven months ago to protect his defenseless sister, whom everyone loves and she has and army full of guards to protect her, of course she is a pacifist against all weapons, which is exactly why she had a bunch of guys with really, really big guns protecting her, whom the then trys to escape. I've got it!! But I won't run around naked yelling 'Erecka!' as some crazy scientists have diecided (cough, Achimedes, hack). Zechs must run the Fuzzy-Navel Fang and he's kidnapped Relena under the guise of a protective brother!!! Heh, ha, ha!! And of course that must be the answer because I'm never wrong because I'm , hey I need a drum roll here!! (drumb-rolle) Because, I'm HEERO!!!" Heero stands triumphantly with his hands on his hips and his chest thrust froward and a cheesy nineteen-fourties fake back ground appears with clouds and wind blowing his forest green chiffon cape. He stands on a rock with someone sprinkling water upwards (somehow, since that's against the law of gravity). Then the sene fades (should I have started a new paragragh?) and he becomes serious and emtionless with his cold Prussian (or Persian) blue eyes.

With much anticipation, he opens the door to find Duo and Hilde (who magically appeared from oblivion) makeing out on his door step. They stop to breath and see Heero glaring at them down his cute little anime nose. That patent death glare can chill anyone to the bones. Know one is quite sure how or what exactly it looks like since he only glares in the show a couple times. In fact, most of the time he just looks, with not too much expression. Not dead or anything, just there like Trowa and Wufei and Noin and Sally and...(ten minutes later) Otto and guard 1 that Wufei kills (oops! Silly me, destroys) and gaurd 2 that Wufei destroys...(twenty minutes later) guard 2999 that Heero kills.

Anyway, Duo and Hilde stop and give Heero their full attention...spans, which are both only about one minute long, even though they must both be very intelligent to be such great fighters and sneaky too. You better hurry Heero!

"I'll do it."

"Great!! Yay, I'm so heppy (think Maid Marianne from Robin Hood Men in Tights) !!!! Jump on a plane, since this is fiction and you don't need reservations and every plane ends up at Relena anyway, since everyone wants to kill her!!" then he turns back to smooch Hilde some more.

Scene 2

Triple Elongated Twirlly-Flippy Thingy

"Ho, hum, where is my prince charming," sighed the dramatic beauty Relena Peacecraft in her little girl voice. She was incredibly bored of signing stupid papers. That's all a politician does anyway according to the teen-age mind/world, which is everything. It might be that no one actually knows what a politician actually does (did I use actually enough or should I put in one more for good measure?). She sits behind a large oak desk that nearly swallows her.

Suddenly the music flares up and she breaks into song,

Some day my prince will come,

Some day I'll find my love,

And how thrilling that moment will be

When the prince of my dreams comes to me.

He'll whisper "I love you,"

And steal a kiss or two,

Though he's far away,

I'll find my love some day,

Some day when my dreams come true.

Relena runs to her hat stand and grabs it, tossing all objects from it, and gracefully dipps it and says in a suddenly husky, seductive, and very loud impatient voice, "Oh, Heero, I'm right her so come and get me! (Cut version of course.)"

Suddenly Noin walks in as she always does since she has no life, "Uh, Miss Relena?" (We must not forget our formalities must we?) "Miss Relena, why are you dancing with Trowa?"

Relena looks down at the "hat-stand" and realizes that it is Trowa and quickly drops him. Trowa does some of the quick thinking that he always does in a situation like this and pulls off a triple elongated twilly-flippy thingy within the two feet of space that he has between himself and the floor and lands gracefully and completely unruffled.

Relena smoothes her skirt and pauses to flash a Donny Osmond smile at the camera (a tooth sparkles from her saliva coating it), then says to Noin "Trowa, I don't see anyone named Trowa anywhere," she says innocently.

Trowa suddenly melts down into the floor and disappears (think Terminator 2).

"Whoa, that was weird," says Noin. "Oops, I'm so sorry Miss Relena, that was so improper of me to say."

"That's quite alright Noin," Relena says, quite ignoring the fact that there really is nothing to forgive.

"Miss Relena, I brought you more papers to sign," Noin told Relena.

Then Relena says, "Thank-you, but I think I'm going to take the rest of the day off because over-working ones self is bad for ones health. I think that I'll go shopping instead and get a low-cut sequined dress for one of the millions of balls that go on, and maybe a couple tube tops and short-shorts which ride up into my butt crack. And then I will where them once to watch Zechs blow a couple capillaries, then take them off and sign some papers."

"That's wonderful Miss Relena, lets go right now," Noin says in a fake cheerful voice.

As they leave the office, Zechs immediately appears and yells at the top of his lungs, even though he never yells in the show, "Where do you think that you are going without your guard young lady!!!!???"

"Shopping," Relena calmly tells him.

"Oh," says Zechs. "Well, then, we'll just have to double you're guard detail. These malls are getting pretty scary now-a-days. No, let's triple it."

"Oh, Zechs, You are so over reacting," sighs Relena.

Eight hours later, and the sky is magically still light...hey, I've got it!! She's on a colony right now, even though her home is on earth, and she ordered the weather controls to make it light again. Anyway,

Relena, the sexy beauty, is walking casually down the street back to her home/office with a cute little bag slung over her arm. However, she is getting some funny looks. "That's just because I'm gorgeous," Relena thinks to herself and not to anyone else, just for the record.

However, we're not sure why she is getting funny looks either. Maybe its because as she walks down the street, there is a circle of men in shorts and knees socks with semi-automatics which keep pace with her perfectly, and its three men thick. Or it might be because a strange man with long platinum blond hair is leaping from tree to tree as she walks down the street. Or it might be because the circle of men are all weighed down with at least two large shopping bags. Or it might be because a little white bunny rabbit is hopping across the street with a clock yelling ,"I'm late, I'm late for a very important date!" (HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!! This is mucho Gundam Wing with dreamy boys in it, not BAMBII!! Heero!! GET your hot tiny hiny on this stage PRONTO!!!

"Okay, okay, I'm comming!! Geesh, don't blow your keyboard!!" Heero grumbles.)

Heero leaps off the airplane and dashes toward the mall which he knows Relena just got back from some how-er-other, while humming his own theme music (Batman, nuh-nuh, nuh-nuh-nuh, nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh, batman...). He runs and skids to a stop as the perfect soldier sees the evil oppressive Zechs Marquis. "Oh no, he must not see me!!" Heero thinks to himself. "I will use the magic of anime to hid behind this tree!" He decides quickly in his mind. He jumps behind a three inch diameter trees and magically disappears behind it. Actually, he didn't really disappear. Anyone looking the other way can see him perfectly! "I just love being two dimensional!" Heero thinks to himself.

"Oh, no! They are moving forward without me!" Heero realizes. He swiftly follows them down the street by leaping behind trees, bushes, light-posts, gravel, mailboxes, dog poopy and many other more everyday objects.

When Relena finally reaches her home/office (they're the same place, didn't you know?), Zechs opens the door to welcome her home (he ran in front and slid down the chimney to beat them). "Relena, I'm so glad that you are alright!!" He exclames.

"But, Relena, you must hurry because there is an unexpected ball tonight just like every other night so you must hurry and get dressed," says Zechs.

"Okay, i'll get going," Relena says from the top of the stairs which she jumped up in one mad leap. "I love balls, because then I can show off my sexy girlish figure and make a certain perfect soldier jealous!!" she cackles evilly.

Scene 3

Where Should I Put My Hat?

"She is beautiful I hear"

"She is rich I hear"

"She is the vice foreighn minister I hear"

"She gives boring speeches I hear"

everyone stops to stair at the ignorant fool who made the last comment.

"You dare to insult the princess!" All of Relena's psychotic suitors suddenly start chasing after the fool with pitch forks, torches, and fyerbelles (hmmm...) chanting "Kill the beast, kill the beast!!"

Suddenly a hush falls over the crowd as they look up a winding set of stairs to the top (or maybe the middle) and sees the vision of loveliness which perched there. Relena was the definition of beauty (the quality attributed to whatever pleases or satisfies in certain ways, as by line, color, form, texture, proportion, rhythmic motion, tone, etc., or by behavior, attitude, etc., or a thing having this quality, or good looks, or a very good-looking woman, or any very attractive feature according to Webster, the expert of all words). Her nose was very beautiful anyway (it fits the definition!!). Her dress was about to fall off and even though her shirts are always baggy, somehow she suddenly got boobs and was able to hold a strapples dress.

She glides down the banister and lands gracefully on one foot. An attractive young man immediately swoops her into his arms to the lovely melody coming from the kazoo and nose horn (your favorite musicians, Quatre and the hat-stand, I mean Trowa).

Zechs immeadialy pounces with his aluminum yard stick to make sure that Relena and her dance partner were the acceptable three feet apart.

A dark shadow immerges, oops, I mean a handsome James Bond look-a-like immerges from the shadows and glowers down his nose jealously at the happy couple holding hands on the dance floor (they couldn't be dancing, they were just too far apart!!).

The eveny continued on peacefully until...

"YOU BRAIDED BAKA!! HOW DARE YOU INSULT THE RESPECTABLE DRAGON CLAN FROM WHICH MY LONG DEAD TEN YEAR OLD WIFE (well , technecly, she was fourteen, but who really cares!) WAS FROM!! I SHALL INFLICT UPON YOU THE WORST PUNISHMENT MY REALLY SCREWED UP MIND CAN THINK OF!! I SHALL SMITE THY LONG CHESTNUT BRAID WITH MY KATANA (what's a katana, I really would like to know that, and who figured out to call it a katana in the first place?)!!! RA-HA-HA!!" Wufei laughs maniacally.

Duo, jumps up and screams bloody murder like a scared little girl and sprints out of the room like a frightened deer recovering from deer-in-headlight-syndrome!! "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH," breath and then "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH," and the breath and then "HIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLDDDDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!"

As he scapmers out of the room (oops, I think he already sprinted out of the room so maybe he can't do that, oh well).

Wufie sets chase.

The party continues with an occasional "AHHHHHH!!! HIIIIILLLLLDDDDDEEEEE HHHHHEEEEELLLLPPPPPPP MMMMMMEEEE," in the back ground, and the frequent dashing through the ball room.

Then Sally found a large sword on the floor and said very knalogably "How in the world did this get here I wonder? What in the world could they be thinking, I wonder. I wonder a lot."

At one point though, Quatre had to lay down his nose horn for a break and spills red wine down the front of every girl in a white dress's front, and then profusly appologizing.

Note from the authoresses: At this point we are both acting like drunken fools, so please exuses the above nonsensical paragraph. Thank you, and back to the story.

Well, that and by the end of the night know one could find Trowa; however, one of the hat stands did sound surprisingly like a kazoo.

Scene 4

The Bunny Hop

Heero sits mournfully on a rocky Scottish style rock wall, which was falling into disrepair, being the reason that rocks kept falling off every time he shifted his wieght. But he was very lonely this night. "Relena, you were so beautiful tonight. But you didn't seem to miss me at all. Now I sit here all alone with only the crickets and the that lonely moon to keep me company." Then a lonely, morunful tune begins to play (well, actually, the music was kind of upbeat, but oh well) and Heero takes a deep breath and begins his song...

I am lonely like the moon

Your are far away as the Earth

Now you say I light your thoughts

Night after night

Soon you forget

We are drifting in this dance

I can feel you circle my heart

Keeping such a graceful distance

So close but somehow apart

Sometimes I cry for you

Knowing you don't want me to

Sometimes I whisper to the stars up in the sky

That I want to find the way to your soul

Kiss in the sun when morning comes

You don't seem to count the hours

When we are not together

I've seen a tender fire in your eyes

Yet when I'm gone you carry one

I float in this emptiness

Till at last love returns

With the night

And the lonely moon

The music fades and he looks across the street to Relena's house and her window which happens to be lit enabling him to see her graceful form sillotwetted through the gauzy curtains which flow in the breeze on the balcony (I float and say as I sail in the Slumberland, caressed in the sun, forget the things to do and sit on the balcony, he, he, just kidding).

"I must have her!!" Heero declares as he gets out his grappling hooks to climbe the wooden siding. "Wait, steel hooks won't grab siding and I'm Heero so I can just jump over there!!"

Heero promptly bunny hops over the street, over a retaining wall in front the house (was that there this morning?) and on-to the balcony. Heero hops in to see Relena dressed only in very lacey lingery (which didn't cover very much) as she was stretched out on her king sized bed pointing her cute little toes.

Heero pants openly.

"I knew you would come to me Heero, I saw you hiding in the corner of the ball room," Relena told him in a suddenly seductive, husky voice (how does she bloody do that?).

Heero blinks, not quite sure what to do.

Relena puckers her lips slightsly and winks as him.

Heero's jaw drops and his tongue rolls out.

Relena wags a long, expensively manicured finger at him.

Heero pants and bunny hops onto the bed and they dissapear into a pile of sheets and pillows as a lonely tune plays in the background...

Some where over the rainbow,

Skys are blue...

FINIS

An ending note from the authoresses:

NOUS SOMMES DESOLEE!!! GOMEN NASAI!!! HAVE MERCY!!! We did not mean to offend anyone, and if we did, we are so sorry! This is just to satisfy our twisted sense of humor and if you laughed even one tenth as hard as we did when we wrote this, we have achieved our purpose. We have nothing against any of the characters, in fact we both love all of them (however, Treize is a awfully weird and Septum is a stupid ignoramous). These stereotypes are very humorous to use (some are very annoying though) and we even sometimes use some of them in our own serious writing. Please don't take any of this personally!! Please read and review, flame us if you want!! We really want to hear from you!!!! Give us your opinion. If you like this, we've got several others in the making, so please tell us if you want to read them. The 'in box' is awfully lonely and he likes company!!

Thank you!! Yours Truly (Truly scrumptious, you two are truly scrumptious, scrumptious as the sea across the bay... heh, heh, sorry. I know way more then are good for me.)

Tygerlilee and Fyerbelle ^_~

The weird sisters (Though not as weird as Nariya and Eriya from Escaflowne!)