Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ To See You Again ❯ Insinuations ( Chapter 41 )

Chapter 41: Insinuations

 

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

 

I watched as Duo slept soundly in my arms. His facial features now at peace and not the anguished and hurt expressions that had filled my lover's eyes earlier this evening.

 

"Duo what's wrong?"

 

"You aren't fucking me. Did I do something wrong? Do you want to whip me and slice my ass up so I can be sore before you tear me in half? I'll get one of your belts for you to use if you want!"

...

 

I still couldn't believe Duo thought I wanted to beat him and make him bleed. How could he think I would want to cause him pain? He was a creature of light and cheer, and he thought I wanted to treat him like shit.

...

 

"That's not what you said when you called me this morning!"

...

 

I didn't call him who could have called him and sounded like me enough so he would believe them?

...

 

"Then you didn't call me and tell me to be ready to be fucked hard because I'm a dirty slut?"

...

 

"I'm sorry. I don't know who told me that, but it sounded like you. I'm sorry." Duo's tears slid down his face like a water fall.

...

 

"I'm going to find out who did this and when I do they won't have balls any more! Whoever did this to make you doubt my love are going to pay!"

...

 

My own angry words reminded me of the promise I said to Duo. I tried to make my brain remember someone, anyone who had a voice like mine, but no one came close. It had to be one of the people who had raped Duo early on, but what scared me worse, was now they had my home phone number. It was easy enough to find since it was listed in the phonebook, but I made a mental note to myself to change it tomorrow morning.

 

I curled up next to Duo's warm body and wrapped myself around him. Hopefully my pressence would keep the nightmares away.

 

xoxoxoxoxoxox

 

I felt groggy and disorinented when I awoke. It was early in the morning, just before dawn. What made me wake up so early?

 

As I lay there, blinking for a few minutes until my eyes focused, I wondered what was missing. I turned to see if Duo was still sleeping... Duo!

 

He wasn't in the bed!

 

I felt the indent that was still in the sheets he had slept on last night. The sheets were cold to the touch. I took a deep breath and willed myself to not panic even though my heart was hammering in my chest. Worrying wouldn't help me any and it was ridiculous to do such a thing. Duo was probably just in the bathroom taking a leak.

 

I listened to the silence of the room and the only barely heard sound was my own breath. Getting up, I decided there wasn't any point in staying in bed when my adrenaline crazed body woke me up better than two cups of espresso could. I walked out into the hallway and came to the closed bathroom door.

 

The sound of rushing water and something else greeted me as I placed my ear to the door, but something wasn't right. I listened for a few more moments and realized that the other sound was Duo. He was crying, whimpering even. I tried the door knob and jiggled it a bit and was surprised to find that the door was unlocked. Turning it gently, I opened the door slowly and stepped into the room then slowly closed the door behind me.

 

Duo was in the shower and had the hot water turned on full blast from what I could tell. Steam filled the entire room and it felt as if my bathroom had turned into a sauna. Duo liked his showers and baths scalding hot, but with the steam so thick in the room, I could help but worry that Duo was going to boil himself in there. And that's when I heard it.

 

Duo was whispering something to himself over and over while he scrubbed at his skin. I pulled off my t-shirt and boxers to keep them from getting soaked and stood next to the door, straining my ears to hear him.

 

"I have to get clean. I have to get his touch off of me. Heero will hate me if I don't. I have to get clean. Get clean, must get clean, I must get clean." Duo's voice whimpered it out and it sounded like he was ready to scrub his skin off completely.

 

That was the last straw. I opened the door and looked up at a very wet and red Duo. He turned around and plastered himself to the wall to get away from me. I stepped in and was pelted with scalding hot water. I quickly readjusted the taps until cool water came out, then turned to Duo.

 

Duo stood there and looked as if he wasn't really seeing me for a minute.

 

"Duo?" I called and my voice seemed to have some effect on my seemingly comatose lover. I reached out to him, but he recoiled from my touch. "Duo, it's alright. It's just me! It's Heero." He looked me over and I scanned him with my eyes to see what he was doing. His skin was very red and what socked me even more was the state of his genitals.

 

They looked so sore and they weren't just red, they were redish purple. He bruised himself from scrubbing them so hard. My chest grew tight with heartache. My lover was abusing himself and it wasn't even his fault!

 

"Duo, come here. I won't hurt you." I came closer and gently caressed his cheek. Tears kept flowing from his eyes but that didn't matter. "Why'd you do this Duo?" I asked him softly and took him in my arms. He flinched at first then molded himself against me and ducked his head to rest on my shoulder.

 

"Do you hate me?" He whispered softly.

 

"No. I could never hate you, Duo. But I don't like what you were just doing to yourself." I could only imagine what his ass must look like. If he flashed back to the time he got gang raped then... I didn't even want to start thinking about it. The reality would be much worse than anything I could think up.

 

Gently, I guided him under the cool water and caressed his body using only my hands. I washed every inch of his flesh to get his skin cooled down and caressed the raw sore looking skin of his private areas. I washed the cleft of his ass and when I reached his entrance I was startled to find that tight ring was loose. My fingers traveled lightly over his entrance and I felt Duo shudder.

 

"I cleaned that for you too." He told me. I looked up at him sharply from where I was kneeling and gathered up my courage to ask what I needed to.

 

"Cleaned it with what?" Duo pointed to something behind me. Shifting myself I bit, I saw the bottle scrubber that had been in the kitchen. "You didn't..." I stopped in mid sentence, I didn't need to continue. He had used it to clean himself. That scrubber was definitely being thrown out. If not because it was used in a extremely different way than intended, then just to prevent Duo from doing something like this again.

 

"Why'd you feel you needed to be clean in there Duo?" I whispered to him. Keeping my tone of voice soft and gentle so I wouldn't spook him or allow him to think I was upset with him.

 

"I felt... dirty. They treated me like a whore and I might as well be one after what I do for them. I let them take me!"

 

"Duo..."

 

"I did Heero! I let them! I deserved it! I needed to be treated like that after what I did! I-"

 

I cut Duo's words off with a kiss. I kept it gentle and chaste and tender, just the way Duo liked it. Duo needed to be brought down from this emotional high and he needed to be brought down slowly.

 

Duo stayed still as I kissed him, he kept quiet, but he didn't kiss me back. That was okay, at least he didn't fight me or throw me off. I needed to remind him who he was now and not who he used to be. Quatre warned me while Duo was still sick, that if Duo ever started having flashbacks he had to be shown who he really was. He needed me to keep him safe and I was more than willing to do just that.

 

Duo was compliant in my arms as I shut off the water and brought him out of the shower. He obeyed every gentle pull and tug on his limbs when I had to dry him off. I wrapped him up in a large towel then wrapped one around my own waist and secured it. I picked up my shed clothes and placed them on the sink. They could wait, Duo couldn't.

 

Turning back to Duo, I picked him up and carried him out of the bathroom. I knew better than to take him into our bedroom, so I decided to take Duo into the living room instead. Placing him on the couch, I made sure to make him comfortable and propped his back and head with pillows placed behind him. Duo didn't look at me when I put a blanket over him to keep him warm as I left him to put the kettle on for tea. Duo needed something to calm his nerves and a soothing cup of peppermint might help a bit if not buy me some time to try and calm him down.

 

The bathroom was still steamy so after I set two mugs on the counter with a teabag in each, I went to turn on the fan. The bathroom could air out while we were having some tea and it was a good way to give Duo some space.

 

I went back into our bedroom to pull on some boxers and a pair of sweats before going back out to the kitchen. The water boiled a few minutes later and I poured some into both of our mugs and added two spoonfuls of sugar, then brought them with me and set them on the coffee table in front of the couch.

 

"Do you want a sip of tea, Duo?" He nodded once and I raised the mug to his lips. He took a greatful sip and then turned his head away when I offered him more. I set the mug back down then took a sip of my own tea and let the flavor caress my tastebuds, enjoying this small bit of comfort before confronting Duo. Taking in a deep breath, I steadied myself then got up and stood next to Duo.

 

I levered him up and took the pillows out from behind him and slipped in where the pillows just were so Duo could lean against my bare chest. He didn't fight me at all. He remained limp in my arms while I settled myself.

 

I began stroking his hair back from his face until I pulled the long braid over my shoulder and kept it there. Duo still didn't move. His body was slightly flushed, but not as dark a red as I had seen it when I first opened the door. That beautiful creamy skin of his was mostly covered by the blanket I had draped over him, but now fell slightly off his shoulders when I moved him.

 

"Duo please talk to me." I started.

 

"What's there to talk about?" Duo said softly. I waited for him to continue, but he didn't.

 

"Well, what you were just doing in there. You were hurting yourself and I want to know why."

 

Surprisingly, Duo laughed, a bitter cold laugh. "Who wants a lover that's been tainted and acts like a whore Heero? I was trying to get clean for you. So many people have marked me with their stain and now I have stained you as well. I tried not to. I tried to keep you pure. Oh Gods Heero. You're so pure and I'm filthy-"

 

"No you're not! Duo you are just as pure as you think me to be. We talked about this before, don't you remember? Nothing in the past can touch what we have now. Those people who did things to you did not make you filthy or dirty or tainted. You are who you are. You're Duo. My lover, my friend, my heart and soul. Nothing anyone has done to you will stop you from being you. I love you for who you are."

 

"And what if that's all a lie?" Duo turned to face me finally. No more tears leaked from his eyes, but the fear he felt showed in those blue-violet orbs.

 

"What do you mean?" I asked. What was he insinuating?

 

"What if the me you know and love is just a lie, an act, a performance I put on just so I could have you? What then Heero?" He demanded and pulled away from me, his body trembling something fierce.

 

"You don't lie Duo." Duo laughed bitterly, but I could tell he was reaching his end.

 

"How do you know that? How do you know I'm not just a fake, broken man that has been pushed too far? How do you know that Quatre and Trowa lied to you about me, so poor little messed up Duo had someone to keep an eye on him? How Heero? I want to know how?!" Duo was screaming this at me and I didn't know what to say except for the truth.

 

"I don't know Duo. I don't know if you lied to me or pretended this the whole time. But I do know this. I trust you and whatever you chose to show me as the truth, that's what I believed. I love you Duo, no matter what you are. I fell in love with you and no matter how much you are trying to test me, it won't work. I'm not leaving you!" I told him fiercely.

 

Duo looked up, stunned by the tone of my voice. I waited for him to say something, anything to show me where we stood now. His soft voice softly spoke a moment later.

 

"You don't think I'm dirty?"

 

"No."

 

"You really trust me, even though I'm messed up?"

 

"Yes."

 

"You really love me?"

 

"Always and Forever." He a took deep breath and for an instant I thought he was going to start to yell at me.

 

"I'm so sorry Heero!" Duo lunged into my lap and wrapped his arms around my waist. He didn't cry, he simply held onto me as if I would disappear if he didn't. I stroked his hair and kissed the top of his head.

 

"This is the Duo I love more than anything. The one who can come to me and show me what he feels, even if he's afraid." He sat up and moved into my lap and snuggled his face in my chest and seemed to be listening to my heart.

 

"I didn't lie to you." He whsipered against my collar bone.

 

"I know."

 

"Trowa and Quatre didn't either."

 

"I know that, too."

 

"Did I ruin us?" He asked fearfully.

 

"Not even close." I smiled and bent down to kiss him and this time he returned it with fervor.

 

"I'm so sorry." He apologized again but before he could say anymore I hushed his lips with my fingers.

 

"You have nothing to be sorry for. The only one you hurt was yourself and we better go get you checked out." I told him sternly. Duo nodded, but looked more uncomfortable by the second. I finally asked the most important question of all. "What caused you to do this?"

 

Duo looked up at me a little stunned but then ducked his head again. "Duo?" He just shook his head. I caressed his hair and kissed his head. "Please Duo, I have to know. Was it a nightmare?" Duo stilled and I waited. He barely moved, but I could tell it was a nod. "The rape?" He nodded again. I stopped right there. That was enough information for now. Duo would open up later when he felt better. Hopefully.

 

We sat on the couch for I don't know how long until the phone rang. Duo jumped with a start and pressed hard against me trembling. This was going to be a problem.

 

I glanced at the clock and saw that it was 8:45 am. Margo must be calling to see if I was coming in. I tried to move and get it, but Duo latched onto me firmly and wouldn't budge.

 

"Duo, I have to get the phone."

 

"It might be them." He told me sharply, not relinquishing his hold at all.

 

"It's probably just Margo. You can stay here if you feel safer." He nodded and let me go. I picked the phone up on the next ring. "Hello."

 

"Heero, it's Margo. What are you still doing home?"

 

"Margo, I can't come in today."

 

"What? Why not?" She sounded confused and my explaination wasn't helping any.

 

"If it's not too much trouble, I need to take a personal day off. I can't tell you why right now, but I will when I come in tomorrow."

 

"Alright Heero. You have the day off, but I expect to know what's going on tomorrow."

 

"You will, I promise."

 

"Good, enjoy your day off."

 

"Thank you Margo. Bye."

 

"Bye."

 

I turned back to Duo as I placed the phone back in its cradle. Duo stared at me with those hopeful violet eyes and waited as I explained the phone call. I made my way back over to him and pulled him back against me and turned on the news. Duo relaxed against my chest and breathed a small sigh of relief, while I tried to think up some way to tell Margo why I couldn't come in today.

 

I could only hope that my extra day to think and relax would also help me figure out how to help Duo.

 

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

 

TBC...

 

Yes major angsty chapter and the ones coming up will be as such as well. Thanks for the reviews and please come back and review again! Huggles!