Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Your Clown ❯ Your Clown ( Chapter 1 )

The slender Japanese was sitting at the table sipping his hot chocolate. He was wrapped up in a short, fuzzy sky blue robe, complete with clouds, a gift from Duo. On his feet were small pink bunny slippers, also a gift from his American lover. Hearing the coffee machine `ding' he gracefully stood, his robe barely skirting two inches below his butt, and walked over pouring a mug for his sleeping lover.

Upon adding the last tablespoon of sugar to the now brown coffee, Heero looked up to see the braided youth hurry into the room, a frown firmly set across his face. He grabbed the offered mug with a mumbled `thanks.' Curious at the others behavior, Heero asked, "What's wrong?"

Amethyst eyes slowly slid to look up into sapphire blues, "Nothing." Came the curt reply, and Duo set his empty mug down on the table. He turned with a passive wave, and walked out of the kitchen and out of their house.

Feeling confused and a little hurt at his lover's actions, Heero frowned. No hug or kiss. No `ohayo no ai!' Not even a smile. The boy had almost totally ignored him. "Maybe he's sleepy…" the boy said to himself. Sighing he walked into the living room and flipped on the television. As he stood leaning against the wooden doorframe, staring at the small television, he couldn't shake the cold feeling that had settled in his stomach.

Making a face at the pasty faced reporter on the screen, the ex-pilot shook his head and walked into the kitchen. He jumped slightly as he heard the light beeping of his boyfriend's silver laptop. Curiosity piqued, the brunette slowly walked over to the small device. He gently slid it open, and saw a small red window flashing in alert to a message. Knowing he should respect his braided companion's privacy, but feeling the tug of temptation, Heero deftly clicked on the blinking window.

The screen was instantly flooded with a light blue screen, it was a letter, but from who? He scrolled down looking at the sender. "Schbeigrl02?" The Asian boy read aloud with a tone of awkwardness. His blue eyes darted to the heading. His heart sank as he read the first three words: `My secret love…' Frowning slightly but not wanting to jump to conclusions, Heero read on. Words of repressed love, and exclamations of pleasure from previous encounters confused and worried Heero. A few words mentioning Duo's work only made him more restless.

Blushing at some mentions of sexually explicit actions, Heero efficiently clicked out of the e-mail and sat starring blankly at the empty desktop. Clearing his throat, the small youth straightened his back painfully slow, his eyes were distant. Turning his entire body to face the kitchen doorway, the brunette's mind refused to process the blatant betrayal. Passing the e-mail off as a joke, or a mistaken forward from one of Duo's employees.

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But I don't wanna be your clown again

No I don't wanna live this triangle

I don't wanna be your clown now

Cause I long to carry on

I was blissfully oblivious to all the signs back then. The e-mails became frequent, and personal phone calls were nearly continuous for Duo. He never came home at four thirty anymore. I slept trembling and desolate in our silk sheets. He would come home early morning or sometimes not at all. But I was there for him still, a constant, firm threshold. Some nights I would wait up, only to be disappointed by the next mornings soft light, and still alone in bed.

He had stopped telling me he loved me, had even nearly stopped talking to me. In fact the sole attention he granted me was to make love, if you would venture to call it that, on the rare nights he actually came home before dawn. I would sit at home, everyday. I was growing weary of being lonesome for most of my days. I would mostly watch television in a daze. The people, mere pixels firing across the screen, held no importance to me.

Until one day Quatre called out of the blue. I slowly slid off the couch, the leather sticking to my thin legs, and padded over to the phone. "Moshi moshi?" The cheery voice on the line made a dim light in my eyes flicker. "Heero!" the high voice of my blonde comrade enthused, "How are you? You sound ill!" My eyes softened, "Quatre?" I asked hopeful, but shy. A soft chuckle could be heard over the line, "Ne, of course silly! Are you all right? I haven't talked to you in so long! You sound like a kicked puppy." I coughed gently, my throat was dry and scratchy; I hadn't talked to anyone for so long.

"I am well, Quatre-kun. How are you and Trowa?" I could practically hear the smile stretch across his peachy cheeks, "We're wonderful! I called to check up in you and Duo-kun. You haven't thrown one of those marvelous parties in quite sometime. Not since you cancelled Duo's surprise party." My brows knitted together; that's right I had cancelled his birthday party at the last minute. It was nearly six months ago. "Anyway I just called to announce that Trowa and I are to be married!" My heart began to pump faster at the mention of the word. I had once dreamed of marrying Duo, buying a home near the sea, and having pets and maybe even adopting a little one.

Now my blood ran cold and my gaunt face paled. I could feel jealousy claw itself up my throat and choke me. "T-that's fantastic, Quatre." I replied, trying to pep my voice up with false happiness. A giddy laugh could be heard as the other boy continued, "Thank you! I'm terribly nervous, but excited at the same time."

My full lips quirked in a tiny mock smile, I could feel the chapped skin stretch and I winced,

"When shall the wedding be?" I blinked a few times, surprised at my light disposition, even as my body tightened and protested painfully.

"Oh that can wait. I'm sure the invites will arrive soon enough. I've really been wondering about you and that braided baka of yours." I could hear his anxiousness, and it made me feel even worse as I thought of how he would feel about Duo and I. "Um-we…" I was flustered, a new feeling for me, I couldn't just drop a bomb on him like this, not when he was so happy. I took a deep breath, and licked my lips, with a quick swipe of my tongue.

No I don't wanna be your clown again

No I don't wanna live this triangle

I don't wanna live your life boy

Cause I long to carry on

"We're doing just great. I'm very happy, and Duo's scrap yard business is simply blooming thanks to you." I almost raised an eyebrow at myself; it seemed every time I talked to the Arabian my vocabulary would take on an aristocratic tone. My voice quivered as the sundry of lies flooded my mouth. I could hear the reprimanding voice of the braided boy now. `I run, I hide, but I never lie!' A sad smile quirked one edge of my mouth.

"Oh…That's-that's good. I'm so pleased." He knew. He could hear it and feel it in my voice, and he could probably see my face in his mind now. I huffed lightly, You don't lie, Duo, but I do.

We talked long into the late hours of night. Quatre would ask if Duo was home and I would quickly supply an excuse. It felt good to talk to someone, and to have them talk back and actually be interested in what you had to say. Finally Quatre grudgingly brought up that he had to go to sleep, because he had an early morning. After I hung up I stood at that spot, where the phone sat, and looked longingly at it, begging it to ring. It never rang, but Duo came home.

I don't wanna be your…

I don't wanna be your…

I don't wanna be your…

His eyes were darker then I remembered he hadn't looked me in the eye for so long. It's pathetic when your lover's eyes are a different shade then you had anticipated. He stumbled onto the couch and yelled for me. He wasn't drunk, I noticed; just angry. He told me he was tired of me being such a `stick in the mud.' He said he wished I were more bouncy, more chipper, more like Hilde. That's when I knew it. When my mind's fog lifted and I clearly saw what was going on around me. It was too late though.

My palms were sweating, and my heart was thumping against my ribcage. Couldn't he hear it? That dull beat like a drum thrumming spastically in my chest? I knew what was coming, but I couldn't move. I wanted to run, but I was planted there. My throat was suddenly dry again and my stomach churned painfully. I winced involuntarily, as I struggled to breathe under his suffocating gaze.

Standing up stiffly, he was walking over to me; his frame had widened out. His handsome, American physique had given him a shapely body, with broad shoulders, a trim waist, and long muscular legs. He was almost a foot taller then me now, as he stood dangerously close to me. He stooped down to my eye level. His face was an empty canvas, not a single shade of emotion. His eyes though, were storming violently. "I'm going to be busy tonight. I want you gone for a while," he ordered flatly.

I blinked as my body began to function again. That's all he wanted? Had I been wrong all along? No, there's something more; something he's hiding from me. I can see it in his eyes. It's as if his eyes are a stage but the curtain is drawn and I can't see what's going on behind. I nodded dumbly and walked out right there. I could hear him yelling as the door slammed behind me. He had told me to return in the morning.

It was dark and the weather was changing. The wind picked up and the temperature dropped slowly as the stars began to peak out from the black sky. I shivered, my teeth were chattering, as I held myself rubbing my hands over my arms. I walked slightly hunched over, my arms constantly rubbing to keep warm. I began to feel a prickling burn all over my eyes. `Oh God…What's happening?'

In the beginning you were oh so clear

It started out as something pure and sincere

But now I see the evil within

So tell me what's the reason?

No sooner had I thought this, when I felt a small wet trickle slide down my cheek. The wind hit my face, causing the wet streak to sting. `I'm crying? I've never cried before…' my chest ached as I walked on deeper into the night. I blinked as I finally realized I'd unconsciously walked to the park Duo and I used to go to. I slowly eased onto the hard wooden bench as more salty tears flowed freely.

I cried until I was numb, the sobs wracked my body, my small frame shook with effort. I cried until there was nothing left. I sat there once I was done; I sniffled once, twice, then stood. It wasn't morning yet but who gives a fuck. I slowly began to walk, in a sort of trance, back home.

I noticed a dim glow coming from the bedroom, my bedroom. I slowly ascended the stone steps to my doorway. I paused, my hand just above the dingy doorknob. What if there was someone in there? Someone I wasn't ready to face. So many `what ifs' ran through my head but I deftly turned the knob and pushed the door open. Duo hadn't locked the door. He was so sure I wouldn't come home and disturb him.

In the beginning it was so clean

No body else just love was all it could be

But now you tell me that there's somebody else

But you don't want to leave me

The house was silent, still. I slid slowly across the carpet. The room was dark, but I could see perfectly. I lightly placed a foot on the bottom stair, preparing to walk up, when I heard a very low, very feminine moan reverberate off my walls. My half-lidded eyes didn't even widen a fraction however, and my straight mouthed expression only tightened. I rested my pale arm on the railing of the stairs and silently walked up the stairs. The moans became louder, and now nearing the top steps I could hear Duo's familiar moans as well. I didn't stop walking though. I walked right up to my bedroom door.

I was so close I could even hear the bed springs creak in jostled movement. I finally noticed that halfway up the stairs the electricity had given out, and lightning seemed to crackle and roar outside the windows. They sporadically flashed white against my face and walls. `Too late to turn back' I thought and fluidly opened the door to the bedroom and walked in.

But I don't wanna be your clown again

No I don't wanna live this triangle

I don't wanna be your clown now

Cause I long to carry on

I must have both scared and surprised them because they immediately stopped their thrusting, and the moaning was immediately hushed. The door had whined loudly as it opened. That was their only clue to my presence. As I stood there in the dark room I realized that the rain had started much before I had noticed, because I was wet. My hair and clothes dripped as they clung to me. But I didn't care all I could see were two forms lying on my bed, meshed together in my sheets.

Finally a pair of eyes rested on me. Though the room was nearly pitch black, I knew that Duo's training had enabled his eyes to adjust and focus up to at least five times faster then civilians. He knew where I was area wise, he could see my form, just not in detail. He could hear the water dripping off me and hitting the ground softly. I could just make out the fine glitter to his amethyst eyes when more lightning broke the near silence again just outside the window. It was a spilt second flash but enough time for me to notice the small body on Duo jump in surprise. Enough time for me to notice the short-cropped hair of his partner, Hilde. Enough time for Duo to notice I had caught him.

Suddenly I felt anger and hurt well up inside of me again. It pricked the soles of my feet and jolted up my spine to form a heavy lump in my throat. But my face remained placid as the lightning struck again and I once again saw that look on Duo's face.

No I don't wanna be your clown again

No I don't wanna live this triangle

I don't wanna live your life boy

Cause I long to carry on

Hilde tried to sit up, tried to get away from the fact that I was watching her, that I had caught her. Duo simply stared as I turned around and walked out of the door. I began to hurry as I heard Duo faintly argue with Hilde. She wanted him to stay, but he was hell bent on following me. I hurried my jog down the stairs as I heard the bedroom door creak and the loud pounding of Duo's bare feet down the stairs after me.

Upon reaching the bottom steps and then the carpeted floor of the living room I felt a warm, strong hand pull hard on my arm. The hand spun me around to face an angry and apologetic Duo. He had pulled on boxers, I noticed, and had still managed to catch me. He was heaving slightly, his chest and upper body moving up and down slowly, his mouth open in an attempt to suck in more air. He was still holding my arm when I jerked; suddenly feeling repulsed at the sight of him.

But I don't wanna be your clown again

No I don't wanna live this triangle

I don't wanna be your clown now

Cause I long to carry on

This was the man I'd changed for? The man I had practically pledged my love and my life to? The man I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with? No, this was the man who'd deceived me. He had changed. My face scrunched up in an angry scowl. "Don't touch me." I hissed.

He blinked slightly taken aback. I don't think he had expected me to react so forcefully. After the war I had become so docile and meek. No, now I was furious and there was hell to pay. "What the fuck were you thinking?" I said in a low voice. I stood in front of him, crouched over slightly in a defensive stance.

His posture was one of ease. He stood loosely in front me, arms on either side of him, hair mussed and jostled out of it's braid. I held back a sneer at the smug bastard, as I heard the words he said. "I love you. I want to be with you. Why can't you, me, and Hilde be together?"

Was he serious? Had this-this woman fucked him over so many times his brain had malfunctioned? He was asking me to be in a threesome love triangle with Hilde? The woman who hated me, the woman who had stolen him away from me.

No I don't wanna be your clown again

No I don't wanna live this triangle

I don't wanna live your life boy

Cause I long to carry on

I scoffed, "No. No Duo I will not live here with you and that woman." My hands clinched as my heart lurched. I loved him. I could feel my veins coursing for him, my ears pleading for his voice. I was in love with this man no matter how he had wronged me. His eyes shone in the near darkness as more lightning flickered in the distance. "Please…" he begged stepping forward, his arms outstretched.

My body began to tremble slightly in need. My knees weakened as I stepped forward towards him. Then a sudden image of short hair and the cruel smirk of Hilde flashed through my mind. I jumped as if burned and backed away quickly, barely catching the flash of disappointment in those big violet eyes. I shook my head, feeling more tears gather in my eyes as I felt my world come crashing down around me.

I shook my head violently then ran out the door in a torrent. Duo's yells of protest echoing in my ears. I woke up early the next morning alone in that park. My eyes were crusted over and my joints and muscles were sore. I gingerly stood from that wooden fence, realizing last night was no dream and I needed to go home and get my stuff.

On the long trek home all I could think was how much I'd done for Duo. I'd played hostess to his parties, loving partner to him, and cook and maid as well. I'd made appearances for him and paraded around like a puppet. Now who was the class clown?

As I got my key from my pocket and opened the wooden door, I wasn't surprised to see that no one was home. I slowly walked up the stairs, minding my sore body, and entered that dreadful bedroom. After emptying what little belongings I had into a small duffel bag I took one last scan around the room.

Just as I was about to shut the door I noticed a picture frame. In that frame was a beautiful picture of Duo and I. Duo's arm was possessively hooked around my waist, and my head was turned to deliver a chaste kiss to him. Our lip-locked pose made the picture priceless, considering I rarely displayed much affection publicly.

Sighing I grabbed the photo and gently lifted it from the frame placing a small sheet of paper inside of it instead. My final note to my braided ex-lover. I turned, caressing the picture gently and walked out of that house and out of that life forever.

Later on around seven at night a tired-looking man slums into the house sluggishly. He sighs and scratches his head, as he begins to notice certain missing items in his home. His unique iris eyes widen as he runs up the stairs, taking two and even three at a time. He bursts into his bedroom, heaving deeply. Throwing open the closet doors, he searches in vain for the clothes of his missing lover. He falls limply to the ground, his body weakened from frazzled nerves, and begins to cry.

After a while his sobbing slowly eases and he sniffs looking around his room in hopes of seeing a small artifact left behind. His red eyes land on a small picture frame at the side of his bed. Slowly pushing himself off the ground he slides across the carpeted floor to the bed stand. Lifting the silver frame gently in both hands, his eyes widen as he reads the faint script behind the glass. Gasping after his eyes have scanned the entire note, left to right, top to bottom, the boy unknowingly lets the fragile frame slip from his finger tips. Once again he sinks to the floor crying out in despair, the name of his true love falling from his lips.

`Dearest Duo,

I've loved you, but I cannot be your clown anymore

Sayonara, Heero'