Hamtaro Fan Fiction ❯ Primal Urges ❯ Oxnard's Uneventful Walk ( Chapter 5 )

Author’s Note: Jeez, I could use some discipline in managing my pet projects with the work that determines my social worth. It certainly doesn’t help that I tend to work on stories one at a time, so whenever I do work on one, the other story in development inevitably gets delayed.

But enough of my excuses. I just hope you enjoy the chapter regardless of the ridiculous delay. Whether you do or you don’t, be sure to let me know what’s working and what’s not.

One more thing: I humbly thank the reading public for not coercing “upper management” to remove my humble story. :)

Chapter 5

Deep within the ground, a somewhat plump hamster merrily strolled through the corridors. A recent feast with his owner had instilled this happy mood, so he was making his way to the clubhouse to offer his fellow hamster pals all the scrumptious details of his rich, hearty meal, as well as some of the leftovers. So cheerful he was, in fact, that a passing glance would’ve easily missed the more timid aspects of his personality. Walking alone didn’t rank high on things he likes to do.

To help quicken the walk, the hamster sung a tune for his personal entertainment:

“Heke, heke, heke,

my girlham’s gone astray?

I really need to find her

So we can sack the hay!”

Oxnard, as he was called by friends and family, normally wouldn’t sing such raunchy tunes. However, recent thoughts of his deep crush from the rural district had shed some of his depravity into the open. Gentle-hearted as Oxnard is, he couldn’t help to keep a few instinctive urges from materializing in his tongue. Still, he was too ashamed to sing Stan’s jingle anywhere in public, so the dirty ditty was strictly a private affair.

“Oh, Pepper, if only you weren’t so far away,” Oxnard sighed, “It would be great to scrubby-wubby with you.”

His thoughts wandered further into fantasy, the legs now working mechanically as Oxnard’s daydream slowly dropped into the forbidden zone, mingling with images of carrots, nuts, and strawberries. The vividness of the subconscious dream grew in disproportion to the plump hamster’s grasp on reality. Had the sound of panicked running not caught his ears, he surely would’ve reached levels of detachment reserved for stoned hippies.

“Huh? Someone’s coming!” Oxnard exclaimed, just when he reached third base.

From what could be seen and heard, an unseen entity was sprinting erratically through the tunnels and would be rounding the corner ahead of Oxnard at any given moment. His inherited fear of the unknown and the unexpected froze him in his tracks.

“Oh, I hope it’s not the boogeyham,” Oxnard eeped, as he pressed against the wall in a feeble attempt to hide. Anticipation induced shivers throughout his body, causing his buck-toothed mouth to clatter like a cackling skeleton.

“Whoever you are, I warn you I’m big and scary!”

The pitter-patter grew louder…and louder…and louder…until finally the entity rounded the corner, tripped, and crashed to the ground with a sudden yelp. Oxnard, naturally, recoiled in shock; but when he realized that the entity was actually the resident bookworm, the plump hamster breathed a sigh of relief.

“Oh, it’s just you Maxwell, thank goodness!” Oxnard said happily, “You really scared me for a- WHOA!”

The greeting his friend once again recoiled, his eyes fixated on the notably large appendage extending from Maxwell’s lower region.

“Maxwell…your…your…your…&rdquo ; Oxnard’s breath completely escaped him as the bookworm regained his footing.

“Yes, yes, I know!” Maxwell exclaimed, his face drained of color, “Listen, I need you to do me a favor!”

“A f-f-favor?”

“Yes, a favor!” Maxwell shouted hysterically, “Bijou’s gone mad and is following me in hot pursuit! It is imperative that you stall her as much as possible, or else bad things are going to happen! Got it? Good! Now I have to go!”

Maxwell immediately dashed down the hall, his fear feeding the fuel to his feet.

“Maxwell! What’s going-!” Oxnard tried to call, but the bookworm had already sprinted well past earshot.

“Wow,” Oxnard whispered to himself, “I’ve never seen a rodent run that fast.”

Before Oxnard even gained a ghost of a chance to overcome his bewilderment, his ears picked up the casual trotting of a certain female hamster.

“Oh, Maxwell, at last we are alone!” Bijou exclaimed, as she tackled Oxnard from behind, her lips slobbering for a French kiss.

“Ah, no, wait! Stop! You’ve got the wrong guy!” Oxnard cried, as Bijou wrestled him to the ground and rolled on top of his chubby body.

“Wha? You are not Maxwell! How dare you trick me!” Bijou exclaimed upon seeing Oxnard’s panicked face. She punished the hamster by kneeing his pelvic area, a blow which twisted Oxnard’s face with newly discovered pain as his voice achieved a pitch usually reserved for opera singers.

“Hmmph! Serves you right!” Bijou scolded, brushing herself off as she rose to her feet, “You should know better than to cheat on Pepper.”

At once Bijou dashed down the tunnel, calling for her illicit lover. Oxnard was left in a fetal position upon the ground, trying his best not to lose consciousness as he waited for the pain to subside.

“Ow,” he eeped, “That really hurt…hey, I sound kinda like Maxwell now…weird.”

Minutes passed, and the throbbing in his groin had finally began to minimize, when suddenly…

“Oh, no!”

A sudden scuffling of feet rushed to Oxnard’s ears. The plump hamster turned his head. He discovered the hamster twins, Sandy and Stan, standing above him. Their faces were drenched in nervous worry.

“Man, Oxnard, you look really messed up,” Stan said, as the twins helped Oxnard to sit upright against the earthen wall. “What happened?”

“Bijou kicked me…in my sensitive place,” Oxnard eeped, evoking a sympathetic cringe from Stan.

“Like, that’s so wrong! Why did she do that?” Sandy asked.

‘It…happened so fast…Bijou tackled me and forced me to the ground…it was horrible! And then she accused me of cheating on Pepper! I wouldn’t cheat on her! Never! Nev-!”

“Whoa, settle down there, Oxnard,” Stan interrupted, sensing the gradual hysteria in the plump hamster’s voice (not to mention its newly acquired pitch,) “Ya don’t want to get an aneurysm.”

“Never mind that!” Sandy exclaimed, her manner now similar to an extremely pissed Super-Saiyan, “We gotta find that French maniac before she gets my boyham off!”

“Oh, right!” Stan said, suddenly growing very frightened, “Well, wegottagooxnardcya!”

The twins immediately rushed off into the forthcoming trail of tunnels, well before the plump could ask why Bijou was trying to put Maxwell’s car in her garage.

“I thought she had the hots for Hamtaro,” Oxnard mumbled to himself.

Deciding that he’d rather not see the results of this predicament, Oxnard opted to continue his walk to the clubhouse –albeit with a slight limp. Even if no one happened to be there, he could keep himself busy with his personal cache of sunflower seeds. In the meantime, his thoughts began to speculate on what Maxwell Bijou’s illegitimate litters would look like.

“Brown coat with white spots? Nah. White coat with brown spots? Maybe. Couldn’t be any stripes, though. Hmm…maybe a white coat with a brown underbelly? Or maybe-.”

Oxnard cut himself short when his ears suddenly picked up a new pitter-patter of hamster feet. This sound, however, was not like the others, for it wasn’t the soft skip of Bijou’s nor the irregular, panicked flee of Maxwell. Instead, it hinted at the stomping charge of a dangerous brute on the warpath. This was well confirmed when the resident field hamster popped into view, proclaiming, with eyes of demonic flame, “Prepare to die, you cheating bastard!”

Oxnard instantly screamed like a little girl, which unfortunately is also a good description of Maxwell’s shouts of fear. “Boss! Wait! It’s me Ox-!”

He cut himself off with yet another scream as Boss sped up to him, picked him up by his neck region, and pinned him against the wall. The plump hamster could barely breathe as he struggled to escape Boss’ clutches.

“Now, Maxwell,” Boss said threateningly, as he pulled back one arm behind him, “You’re gonna see what happens when you-…hey, waitaminute…grey fur? Oh crud, I got the wrong hamster!”

Boss promptly dropped Oxnard from the wall. The near-victim of assault and battery gasped in a deep breath of fresh air.

“Oxnard, I’m so sorry!” Boss exclaimed, “I thought you were Maxwell!”

The chubby hamster remained silent, too scared out of his wits to even move from the spot where he fell.

“You must be scared stiff now,” the field hamster observed sadly, “I really am sorry, Oxnard. It’s just…what Maxwell did…it’s so terribly wrong! Not only is he cheating on Sandy, he’s also stealing Bijou away from me. He, out of all people, should know I’ve been trying to get her attention for months! I never thought he could have such….audacity! Well, now he’s going to pay for it! And pay BIG!”

And thus, like every other freakin’ hamster encountered so far, he dashed off into the tunnels, leaving Oxnard overwhelmed like every freakin’ other time. This time, however, the plump hamster got the nice bonus of having his heart trying to break out of its ribcage.

“Gaaah! I can’t take it anymore!” Oxnard burst, once summoning the energy to jump to his feet. “I’m going to run all the way to the clubhouse and I’m not stopping for ANYBODY!”

And so Oxnard ran like hell…until he collapsed and tripped about twenty seconds later, landing flat upon his face.

“Too…tired...yet…must…go…on&hell ip;” the chubby rodent said between gasps, dragging himself with his pudgy forepaws as though the lower half of his body just became paralyzed.

“Gasp…the door…so close…yet…so far…”

At last, the pudgy hamster rolled onto his back, coughed, gagged, and then promptly lost consciousness…only to be shoved back into reality when an organic, yellow cannonball knocked open the door, launched into the air, and landed square onto Oxnard’s doughy belly. The cannonball then utilized Oxnard’s guts as a trampoline, bouncing up and down happily with shouts of “Ookwee” as Oxnard grunted in pain, praying that the cruel and unusual torture would stop soon. Fortunately, a second entity emerged from the clubhouse, playing the part of savior.

“Penelope, stop! You’re hurting Oxnard!” Hamtaro exclaimed.

The baby hamster stopped her hopping, rolling off Oxnard’s belly. She “ookwee-ed” to Hamtaro, expressing confusion over why she shouldn’t show her happiness for having more than one hamster to play with.

“Oxnard’s hurt pretty bad, Penelope! We need to help him get better,” Hamtaro answered.

“A seed…my kingdom for a seed,” The half-dead hamster said meekly. Penelope “ookwee-ed” again, expressing disappointment.

“Don’t worry Penelope, with Oxnard here with us we can play Doctor!” Hamtaro replied.

The organic cannonball squealed in delight, as Hamtaro began to drag the immobilized sack of fat through the entrance to the clubhouse.

“Wow! You sure are heavy, Oxnard!” Hamtaro commented, bright and cheery as ever.