Harry Potter - Series Fan Fiction ❯ Coven of the Rose ❯ Chapter 11 ( Chapter 11 )

[ A - All Readers ]

DO NOT IN ANY WAY TAKE THIS STORY SERIOUSLY, IT’LL GIVE YOU A HEADACHE AND CAUSE SQUIRRELS TO SPONTIANIOUSLY CUMBUST INTO PINK COTTON CANDY. THE SQUIRRLES ARE REBELLING…RUN RUN FOR YOUR LIVES…

AGHAAAAAAAAA! IT’S SQUIRREL GIRL AND THE SQUIRREL SWARM OF DOOM!

This is my version of a Harry Potter revenge fic, but after a couple of years in Azkaban he’s not quite sane anymore. He has some sanity left, but it doesn’t really affect him anymore.

oooooooooo
Coven of the Rose
Chapter 11 – Boys, We Got Ourselves...
By CRose
© 2006
oooooooooo

Sneering, Severus Snape stalked through the dark passageways that made up Nott Castle. After the destruction of Riddle Manor, the Dark Lord had moved his operations here. It wasn’t quite as secure as the old place, but he was willing to deal with it. At the moment he didn’t know what to think. No matter who he dealt with these days, it always led back to the Potter Brat in some form or another.

In a way he wanted to applaud the boy’s current course of action. Yet, at the same time he wanted the boy to experience a very slow death in the most agonizing methods available. It was hard to decide which idea appealed more. Shrugging mentally, he paused in front of a door and calmly knocked. This would be the first time talking to the Dark Lord in over two months.

He had several with talks Lucius lately that suggested that something bad, beyond the latest captures and escapes, had happened. Lucius was unwilling to say what it was exactly. Instead, the man developed a facial twitch that was hard to ignore because it only happened when the Dark Lord was mentioned by name.

The man’s eyes would go wide, he would freeze for just a split second, then his lips would pucker up and his whole head would violently twist to the side. This was followed by a scream as he fell to the ground and curled into a fetal ball and started sucking his thumb. Severus found it mildly amusing to watch whenever it happened.

Severus was sure Potter had something to do with it, but had no proof, not that he was looking very hard. The blonde murderer deserved whatever he got and the Dark Lord wasn’t helping. He schooled his features as the door opened slowly and entered large dinning hall. The walls were cloaked in shadows and several death eaters were arrayed around the room. Snape could tell that they were placing several layers of new wards as well. Ones similar to what were at Riddle Manor, he guessed.

He did not bother to look at the Dark Lord as he swept down and kissed the man’s robe. “Master.”

“Ah, Severus, I was wondering when you would show up.” Voldemort said, his voice barely audible.

“How may I serve?”

“What have you found on...the boy?”

“He’s been pulling off the impossible lately. I have to admit I’m a bit amazed by his actions.”

Voldemort twitched and snarled. “And?”

“Well he seems to walk through wards as if they don’t exist, pulling off forbidden or lost magic as if it was some simple first year spells, and his Elves aren’t acting like elves should.”

“I’ve been considering this as well.” The Dark Lord hissed. “I should be punishing all of my faithful for what’s been happening lately. Yet, look around you Severus...”

Snape finally lifted his head and did as instructed. He froze in shock as the first thing that caught his eye was Draco Malfoy, naked, humping a white bear skin rug near the fire. Quite vigorously. The boy was oblivious to everything around him as well. A few feet from him were several other students. All of them were in rather poor shape. Pansy was itching her legs like mad, spittle flying out of her mouth as she worked diligently.

There was a pile of dog shit near Snape’s knee. He scooted away from it while he was ‘distracted’ by the boys.

Theodore Nott seemed to be cringing as he lay face first on the floor with his ass in the air and farting, constantly. Draco’s two followers appeared to be covered in snot as it came out of their pores and dripped on the floor. Then there were others he didn’t recognize. The faces tended to blend together after a while.

“You see Severus, the Boy is humiliating us. We managed to rescue over a dozen from the Ministry just today and they are all in similar states. Bellatrix has been transformed into a Collie and doesn’t appear to remember that she was once human. All she does is shit and piss all over the place. I have nearly killed her on three separate occasions already.

“I do not know what to say Master.”

“CRUCIO!”

He grit his teeth, but stopped when he realized it wasn’t aimed at him. The high pitched yelping gave away the victim though. Bella the Collie writhed on the ground. He noticed that she had just urinated on the Dark Lord’s boot. Then he had to physically restrain him self from looking away as Draco made the most disgusting noise he had ever heard in his entire life, followed by a giggle and panting.

An insane light came into Voldemort’s eyes as he stared down at Snape. “I want you to find a way to end these attacks Severus. Skin the boy alive, remove his bones, shove Draco up his ass, I don’t care how, but you will find a way or else.”

Snape gulped. “Y-Yes my Master, as you command.”

oooooooooo

The odd noise, while not that unusual, wasn’t something she normally heard at midnight. Getting up, she pulled a housecoat on to cover her night clothes and stepped out of her bedroom. She could hear her father snoring away down the hallway, oblivious to the noise. As far as she was aware no one could get into the house without her father’s permission.

She moved quietly down the hall until she reached the door that led to the kitchen. Her head snapped to the side as a shadow moved, but she couldn’t see anything. Pulling her wand, she pushed the door open and stepped into the kitchen.

“Wha?” She muttered.

Five house elves were preparing a rather early breakfast. It was a little hard to miss them in their spiffy green robes though. They appeared to be putting on some kind of show as they worked, hopping all over the room, bounding off walls, and giggling quietly. Sitting at her table, Harry Potter flipped through the quibbler while gnawing on some toast.

“Hello Luna.” He said without looking up. “Would you like some breakfast?”

“I should offer you breakfast Harry, this is my house after all.” She said.

“Quibbler seems to be coming up with some interesting stories lately. Love the Panty wallpaper story for Fudge.”

“It was true.”

Harry grinned. “I know, I tacked a few of them up myself.” He held up a small plate. “Muffin?”

Luna giggled. “Father says Fudge is going crazy these days. Blaming you for nearly everything that goes wrong. And no thanks.”

His smile got a little wider. “I have been quite busy.”

“Why are you here though?”

“Well, I was wondering if you wanted to join me?” Harry scratched his chin. “And not in a perverted way either.”

“What do you mean?” She asked as airily as normal.

“I have very few friends Luna, and while we didn’t know each other that well, I always thought we got along better than some of my other friends.”

“I still don’t understand if you don’t want me to have sex with you.” Her wide innocent eyes blinked owlishly.

“I want you to join my side. Together we can prank the world.” Harry explained, and sipped some tea.

Luna was silent for several minutes before she said anything. Harry didn’t mind, he was to busy watching the elves around him as they worked. He also thought she might have fallen asleep with her eyes open. That would be cool. He reached into his robe, pulled out a marker, and was about to draw some cat whiskers on her face.

“Fred and George have built a shrine to you and sacrifice a rubber sorting hat to it every night before they close the shop for the day.” Luna said, much to his disappointment, and shock.

Harry started coughing and dropped the marker. “Wha...?”

“It makes a mighty squeak too. It draws in tons of business for them in the late afternoon.” She giggled and handed his marker back to him after drawing a smiley face on the back of her hand.

Gaining control of himself, Harry allowed an elf to clean up the spilled tea, and get him another glass. “You don’t say?”

Luna giggled again.

“That’s exactly why I want you to join my side. It’s pretty hard to trick me like that.”

“But what would daddy say if I started wandering around in a green robe pranking people?”

“He’d probably print your exploits in the Quibbler.” Harry mused. “Or want to help you.”

Luna looked serious and nodded. “True.”

“Joining me will require courage though, lots of it. I’m hitting death eaters and everyone that’s ever wronged me in anyway.”

“Daddy still hasn’t stopped laughing about the House Elf army of yours. Says it’s the most unique way to use elves he’s ever seen.”

This just made Harry shrug. “Actually I freed all of them from oppression and a rather bad work environment at the Daily Prophet.”

Luna nodded. “KLaspgwallies are said to infest areas like that.”

“Indeed.” Harry agreed.

“Is it true you kidnapped Hermione Granger to be your sex slave?”

He cocked his head to the side. “Well, not at the moment. But who knows what the future will bring. She’s been dabbling in things best left unread.”

Luna nodded. “As your minion, do I have to swear any kind of oath? Or have sex with you?”

“Nope, all I expect of you is friendship and the occasional dirty thought. To spice things up.”

“Daddy might not like my mind spending time in the gutter.”

“Acting innocent has always worked for me.”

She giggled. “Okay.”

Harry handed her a Green Robe. “Welcome to the team. Just touch my symbol on the collar and say my name. It works a portkey right to my hideout.”

“Thank you Harry.”

“Your welcome, and if you stop by Bob’s Burger Grill on Tuesdays after eight and wear the robe he’ll give you two burgers for the price of one. Only the best for my team after all.”

“BBG? The one down in Knockturn Alley?”

“He moved. Something about a monster eating out of his trashcan.” Harry smirked. “He’s right next door to the Ministry of Magic now. A lot of businesses have moved over there for some reason.”

“Oh.” She looked a little confused.

“ As my newest minion, I need ideas.” Harry ordered.

The blonde stood up and put her green robe on and pulled the hood up. She had to be in proper frame of mind to plan things after all. “You have pulled off quite a few different random attacks lately. It’s time you did something no one expects.”

“Turning Mad Eye Moody into a ferret?”

Luna shook her head. “I was thinking its time for you to visit your godfather.”

Harry frowned. Wasn’t Luna supposed to be insane? “He did a triple axel into the veil a few months ago. He got a six for good form.”

She blinked and shook her head. “The other one, the werewolf.”

Harry sat back and thought about Remus. “It has been a while since I saw him actually. He’s been isolating himself to his house lately.”

“Let me get some better clothes on and we can and meet him.”

“Any idea when the full moon is? I haven’t seen one in some time.” Harry asked as he stood up and pulled his wand. The elves around him came to attention instantly, waiting for his orders.

“It was a couple of weeks ago, I think.” Luna said as she transfigured her nightclothes into something better for going out, though she kept the green robe on for the proper appearance. Of course, Harry wasn’t expecting her to change them into a tight top that showed off her stomach and a little mini skirt that barely hid anything.

Its colors seemed to slowly cycle through several different shades of red and white. She nodded as she examined it. He had to admit that his open front green robe looked good with her wearing that outfit. He leered at her for several seconds as she went through some poses for him.

“Like what you see?”

“You have nice forearms.” He said, looking at her stomach. “You must do lots of lifting.”

She blinked and grinned.


Harry picked up a nearby spoon and turned it into a portkey. “The old fart may be expecting me to visit Remus.”

Luna shrugged. “Maybe, but that shouldn’t matter too much. It is pretty late you know.”

“True. I’ve suddenly got an excellent idea.” Harry said and reached into his robe to pull out a large sphere. He handed it to two of the elves. “Place that somewhere unexpected on Azkaban Island.”

“Yes Master Harry!” Two of the squeaked and vanished with the sphere.

“What was that?” Asked Luna.

“Something I’ve been holding in reserve.”



The navel hook grabbed them and they vanished from the room. Seconds later the remaining elves followed after Harry with a series of soft pops. It was only a few minutes later when Mudingus Fletcher appeared in front of the Quibbler building. He staggered around for a few minutes drinking from a large bottle of beer. Fletcher fell over on the lawn and belched loudly before falling over and falling asleep. A small mouse jumped out of his pocket and made a run for it.

A house elf head popped up out of a nearby bush. Green robe swishing, he stalked over to the passed out drunk. He kicked the man’s foot and jumped back as Fletcher sat up groggily, took another drink of beer, and fell over again. Surprisingly enough, he didn’t spill a drop of beer. The elf grinned as it reached into it’s pouch and pulled out a small book.

Pranking Guide v3.

“Bad man’s is on list.” The little elf giggled as he put the book away and started rubbing his hands. Lifting a hand, a snap of the fingers, and Fletcher started to glow. The elf watched the man slowly transform, shrinking into on himself until it was done.

“Squawk!” The Penguin awoke and started running around the yard flapping its useless wings. “SquawkSquawkSquawk!”

Mr. Lovegood opened a window and bounced a boot off the Penguin’s head. It collapsed instantly. The window closed with a bang.

oooooooooo

Healer Amanda Rogers was feeling a little faint as she read the file on her newest patient. A couple of Aurors brought the poor woman in earlier that morning. According to the previous shift, the woman was screaming at the top of her lungs about making Harry Potter pay for attacking her. Rogers sighed and took a second to tuck a bit of her red hair behind her ear as she thought about the situation. Over the last several months more than one individual that ended up here at St. Mungos swore the same thing.

This time though, they were not sure what Potter did the woman or why. Rogers wasn’t sure just who Dolores Umbridge was either. She had heard the name somewhere, but couldn’t quite place it. According to the case file the woman’s whole body chemistry was messed up in some strange way that no one could identify.

Normally they were able to identify some of what was wrong with a patient, but whatever Potter did to the poor woman was undocumented anywhere. She sighed again and looked at the ceiling. Potter was sending the entire research staff into near orgasmic bliss with his strange attacks. Pulling obscure and outdated spell from out of nowhere. Spells that that went out of style or were lost centuries ago. In a society that could trace such stuff back over two thousand years, this was quite and accomplishment.

The Doctors were sure that he had found a secret cache of lost knowledge. Half the researchers wanted to hunt him down and mine him for everything he knew. The other half would have his baby for the information. Rogers shook her head as she got up and paced around her office a couple of times. Umbridge’s case was unique though. It was going to stand out as one of the more interesting things Potter’s pulled off.

A young intern stepped into the office. “Ma’am, Umbridge is making a commotion again.”

“Stun her.” Rogers snapped. The blasted woman hadn’t stopped screaming since she arrived. Half the patients on the same floor wanted to beat the woman senseless. The Aurors were actually being forced to keep attackers away from her.

“It didn’t work this time and we tried three times. The guard said to contact you about what to do next.”

Rogers took a second to digest the information. This was another clue to what Potter did to the woman. Given enough time she was sure they would identify it and cure her. “Let’s see if we can talk to her now.”

“She tried to rip the throat out of the Auror that’s guarding her.” The intern said and smirked. “Umbridge grew some weird looking claws.”

“Oh?”

This was new.

“We also may not be able to do anything tonight.”

“Why?”

“It’s a full moon.”

Rogers sighed again. “Blasted werewolves are causing problems again?”

“Not really, Potter did something to them and they’ve been lying low of late. A few did turn up and ask for the potion though, so we have them locked up for the night downstairs.”

“Were…” Rogers blinked. She blinked again. “Uh oh…”

“Ma’am?”

Not bothering to answer, Rogers grabbed her hat and raced out of the office, her robe trailing behind her a bit. The intern chased after her a few seconds later. They quickly made their way towards Umbridge’s room. The Auror drew his wand the instant they came into sight. “Dr. Rogers?”

“Are there any other patients in that room?” She gasped out.

“No, we didn’t think it would be safe. They might have tried to kill her by now. Why?”

“How exactly did you find her.”

The Auror looked at her for a second, blushed as he remembered something, and coughed. “Um, well, how do I put this…”

“Just spit it out already!”

“There were about a hundred squirrels licking every inch of her body, nibbling on her toes, ah, defecating on her…”

“Anything weird about the squirrels?”

“They were about twice as big as normal ones and we had to fire heavy stunners at them to get them off Umbridge.”

Rogers nodded, as if confirming something. She walked over to an observation window and looked in at the rather ugly woman. At that exact moment, the woman was lying in bed, on her stomach, scratching her tailbone furiously. She turned to the intern. “You sure tonight is the full moon?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“I know what’s wrong with her.”

“You do?”

She turned back to the window to watch Umbridge and said ominously. “Gentlemen, I present to you the worlds first...”

Thunder rumbled in the background.

“Were-Squirrel!”

oooooooooo

Harry and Luna appeared with a little pop. They staggered around for a second before falling onto of each other. Giggling, Luna jumped to her feet and looked around. She adjusted her robe and noticed that they were on the edge of a swampy area.

Dusting himself off, Harry nodded as the elves started to appear around him. “Where the hell are we?”

“I’m not sure.”

Harry looked up into the sky, right at the full moon, and pursed his lips. “There’s a full moon out.”

“I’ll have to pay more attention to the weather from now on.” Luna amended. “Shall we go?”

“This is probably the worst time to come over for a visit.” Harry said.

“He’ll be fine, he’s only a dog.”

Harry rolled his eyes and shrugged. His elves began to show up all around him and they immediately started to look a little nervous. It only took Harry a few seconds to notice a slightly unused path leading deeper into the swamp. He swirled his robe as turned and started down the path. Luna copied him with a giggle and followed.

“You should have said ‘Walk this way’ and did that.”

“You’re right, I’ll remember for next time.” Harry said with a nod.

They continued for several minutes. He wasn’t to sure what was going to happen, but he already had couple of ideas forming in his head. This was the perfect night to come and see his old professor. His eyes gleamed as he used his staff as a walking stick. It only took about fifteen minutes for him to hear the distinctive growl of a werewolf.

The group stopped and turned to peer into the semi darkness around them. There, hidden in the trees they could see pair of glowing eyes. It growled again and stalked forward, sniffing the air. Harry grinned. “Good Boy! Whose a good boy! Belly wanna rub?”

The werewolf cocked its head to the side, confused. ‘Why weren’t they running? They always ran.’

“I have a Woffy biscuit here somewhere.” Luna offered, patting down her robe absently. Harry wondered where she would keep it in that skimpy outfit. Then he knelt down next to the were-wolf.

Suddenly the wolf felt a hand scratching its ears. It froze in shock, then melted into the wonderful feeling and flopped over. It yipped happily as its belly was rubbed, and started to wag its tail. Remus, stuck inside the werewolf’s mind was in shock at the reaction. He had been expecting Harry to show up eventually, but not on a full moon night. There was only one thing he could think at the moment. ‘Having his belly rubbed really did feel goooooood.’

“I knew you just needed a pal.” Harry said.

“What now?” Luna asked. Several of the elves nodded, though they didn’t say anything.

Harry snorted and suddenly the werewolf was a purple werewolf with black bows in its fur and tail. It didn’t care so long as the stomach rub continued. It writhed in ecstasy and tail wagging continued. Harry patted the werewolf on the side as he stood up. “I’ve got a few ideas in mind.”

Being ignored didn’t suit the werewolf any and Remus couldn’t seem to take control like normally could. Growling, the werewolf turned on Harry just as the boy brought his staff up. A powerful beam of magic fired out and hit the werewolf, completely enveloping it in magical energy. It struggled for several seconds before everything went black.

Harry stood there starting at the werewolf for several seconds before kneeling down and poking it with his wand. A leg twitched. “Interesting.”

Luna cocked her head. “I don’t see any widsplits gnawing on his fur.”

He snorted. “He has a very interesting aura. It’s unlike anything I’ve encountered yet.”

“So?”

“I see a pattern.”

Luna nodded vacantly. “I see.”

Grinning, Harry tucked his wand away and waved at the werewolf. It rose off the ground and a magical cage formed around. “I have an idea.” He turned to the elves and nodded. They raced into the swamp and bright burst of magic started to go off.

“What are they doing?” Luna asked.

“Redecorating the old fashioned way.” Harry quipped and smirked as nearby trees started to melt into something else. “I think its time to start the final plan.”

“Didn’t you mention something about Hermione earlier?”

Harry nodded. “I suppose I’ll have to take care of that too.”

oooooooooo

Minister Fudge gaped at the man standing in front of his desk. “A were-squirrel?”

“Yes sir.” The anonymous Auror said.

“With fur, bushy tail, and...” Fudge asked in shock.

“Yep. She even has buck teeth now.” A rather vindictive grin followed.

Fudge shuddered. “Is there anything we can do to help her? Toss her on the next ship to America maybe?”

“She needs to stay in St. Mungo’s for observation for a few months. She the first of her kind and they want to keep it that way.”

This was just to much. “How dangerous is she?”

“We don’t know.”

“What? Werewolves attack everything in sight. How is this different?”

“Well as you know, last night was her first full transformation.”

Fudge nodded. “So what happened?”

“Well, the Doctor doesn’t think she’s dangerous. You see, she was a complete bitch when she was brought in, screaming, yelling, making threats, and all the normal stuff she pulls on people. The Doctors were not very sympathetic to her plight though. Not after she called them, ah, let’s say its name that can’t be repeated and leave it at that.”

“Get on with the explanation.” Fudge growled.

“Anyway, after scratching at her back side for over an hour she transformed into a humanoid squirrel woman, complete with fur and a tail.”

“How many did we lose?” Fudge snapped.

The Auror scratched the back of his head. “Well, transforming seemed to calm her right down.”

“What?”

“She looked at her new body, felt herself up a few times, a grope here and there, and then ran around the room on all fours.”

“Then what? Quit dragging this out.”

“She crawled under the bed, ate her pillow by nibbling on it, and curled into a ball to sleep the rest of the night away.”

Fudge didn’t quite know what to make of that. “That’s it?”

“Yes sir, except...”

“I knew it, she’s a danger!” Fudge yelled.

“When she woke up this morning she started shouting at the Doctors again and it took them fifteen stunners to get her to shut up again.”

This just made Fudge slump in his chair and snarled. “We have to stop Potter.”

DingDingDing! “It’s the secret Word for the Day! He said Potter!” A high pitched voice screamed in Fudge’s ear.

The overweight man jerked around in shock. Confetti fell from the ceiling, and a burst of light appeared just above his desk and a green robed elf stood there, posing. It giggled, and threw a whipped cream pie in Fudges face.

SPLUT!

The elf vanished as fast as it appeared, its giggle echoed after it was gone. The Auror could only stare in shock at the speed of the attack. He marveled at how purple the man went as the pissed off Minister of Magic had a piece of whipped cream drip off his nose and land on some paperwork.

“Find Potter, NOW!.” Fudge screamed so loud that his door rattled on its hinges.

He ran for it before he started laughing his butt off. It would be about two hours before he heard about what happened after that. A Potter attack was never that simple, not when it came to the Minister of Magic. Fudge’s screams eventually attracted the attention of his secretary.

There are some things that should not be witnessed. Once again the giant laughing letter ‘P’ hovered above the Ministry. Five minutes later the entire accounting department transformed into rabbits and stampeded through the building.

oooooooooo

It could be called a very peaceful morning. Birds chirped, animals played, and Dumbledore was feeling better after a good nights sleep. He more like himself than he had in days. The castle wasn’t suffering from any of the almost constant Potter attacks.

“Help?” A voice called.

There wasn’t a giant laughing letter ‘P’ in the sky. Even the students looked like they were relaxing a little more. His smile widened a little as he completely failed to hear the voice calling for help. Students moved out of his way as he walked down the hall. They eyed him nervously, but didn’t say anything.

“Um, a little help here? Sir?” Came from above him.

Nope, he didn’t hear a thing. All WAS right in the world. He turned the corner and vanished from sight. The sound of running feet filled the corridor for several seconds. Hagrid, who was glued to the ceiling of the hallway and wearing a rather large, pink and white, bunny suit, sighed and hoped someone would help him down soon. He also really wanted a carrot for some reason and the things tended to give him rather bad gas.

A nearby green robed elf kicked the wall in frustration and vanished with a little ‘pop’. Those students that had noticed the rather large grounds keeper on the ceiling were to busy laughing to take note of the little creature.

Hagrid sighed and felt a little relief. At least the pranks tended to change every time one of them was hit. Filch was still in the Hospital Wing from last week’s prank. Waking up tied to the rack has to have been a surprise. Being naked was secondary, covered in whip cream, and every cat in the castle sitting on the floor looking up at him had to be a surprise.

Someone put catnip in the whip cream. It took hours to roundup all the cats. Who licked the whip cream off him. Filch was mortified and some of the students were thinking of having their pets taken to the vet. Including Mrs. McGonagall who took forever to catch. A stoned cat with human intelligence was a bad thing. Of course they weren’t allowed to talk about the incident, ever.

Maybe it would be better if he stayed stuck to the ceiling after all, he mused. Knowing just what the teacher licked clean made him a number one on her revenge list. Poor Harry was really going to get it one of these days if he kept this kind of thing up.

“Giant Bunny Rabbit!” A first year yelled from below and giggled.

Hagrid sighed, rabbits were so, boring. Couldn’t they have dressed him as a dragon, or something interesting?

oooooooooo

The portal opened almost silently as Harry and Luna stepped though, their cloaks ruffling around them in an unseen wind. Each of them had their hoods up so it was hard to tell who was who, except one had a rather fetching figure. However, it was still hard to tell who was who.

Harry glanced around for a few seconds before pulling a small cage from his robe pocket, enlarging it, and setting it on the ground. The cage rattled for several seconds as something inside tried to escape. He glanced at Luna as she wandered around the house. Little bits of blonde hair stuck out from the edges of her hood. He couldn’t see her face, but a pair of green glowing eyes stood out in the darkness of the hood, highlighting her features.

“This should work.” Harry said. “Good the elves were here before us.”

“Why here, isn’t it a bit dangerous?”

He shrugged. “I don’t care about that. This is revenge after all.”

“MmmmMmmmnhmm!”

Luna blinked. “I thought we were here to talk to Hermione?”

Harry, holding a jar of peanut butter and whipped cream, stopped as he was about to pour it on the floor. “Oh yeah, I forgot we were going to stop here first.”

He glanced at the ceiling where Mr. and Mrs. Granger were hanging from a large pink web like substance. “Still, maybe I should…”

“Mmmph! Ummphphum!”

“Now Harry, they aren’t responsible.” Luna said and put her hands on her hips. “We both know that the Ministry and the Larphupples are behind this all.”

“I thought it was Dumbledore?” He blinked.

“No, the Ministry and Larphupples.”

“They could be a part of it.” He said stubbornly.

She glared, which looked weird with the hood enchantments.

“No Peanut Butter?”

“No, not unless you want to eat it with chicken.”

Harry nodded slowly. “I guess you have a point, but can’t I...”

“No. We don’t have any sweat and sour sauce.”

“They’re muggles, they might have some here.”

Glare.

“Fine, fine, but we still have to get Hermione’s attention.”

“She’s being dominated by a book.” Luna explained airily. “The answer is obvious.”

“True, but that’s why I brought the peanut butter and whip cream.”

The cage rattled again and Harry gave it a little kick to get it to be quiet. It growled at him and the whole cage jumped up and down a couple of times. Harry conjured a prod and shoved it inside and shocked whatever was inside a couple of times. He stood there for a few seconds to make sure it would stay quiet, then banished the prod.

The silence from the Grangers was deafening. They were to busy sweat dropping to say anything. Harry put his ‘tools’ away and picked up the cage. “I guess we’ll have to find Hermione first. She has a lot of good ideas.”

“Oh?” Luna sounded skeptical.

“She doesn’t realize she’s giving me ideas, but she does.”

Luna nodded and grinned. Six house elves stepped out from various hiding places around the room and quickly ran after Harry. The Grangers wondered why one of them was wearing a little sundress and combat boots with flames on them. Then and there they realized that their daughter’s best friend was a nut case.

Out in the hall Harry stopped and considered their next destination. “This is Hermione’s house, wouldn’t she come here first?”

“No, I think that book that captured her is calling the shots.”

“She knows better than to let a book do that. Look what happened to Ginny.”

The blonde wearing a hood that disguised her features nodded. “True.”

Then Harry snapped his fingers. The upstairs bathtub fell through the ceiling and crashed to the floor and imploded about five from where they were standing. Neither of them appeared to notice as all the house elves dove for cover. “Ron.”

Luna straitened up and nodded. “Indubitably.”

Harry grabbed her shoulder and apperated with his customary sonic boom and rattled all the windows in the house. It also freed the Grangers, who scrambled upstairs to find some clothes to put on. They happened to glance out the window to see a large humanoid squirrel lopping along past the house with two white coated men running after her with nets.

oooooooooo

Harry and Luna appeared inside the Burrow with another sonic boom. The whole house shook and a piece of the ceiling cracked off and hit Harry right in the head. Being this late at night, it woke everyone up and sent them running downstairs with wands drawn. Harry waved his wand as Mr. Weasley came downstairs and sent the man floating the ceiling.

“Harr...aghraaaaaaaaaaaa...”

Luna transfigured Mrs. Weasley into red ball with cuss word symbols all over it. As the noise finally came to an end they headed up the stairs. Harry took a second to turn him into a seal and drop him into the bathtub as they went by. With water of course. He scanned the hallway and noticed that Ginny’s door was spelled shut from the outside. The other door, that led to Ron’s room, had several spells as well. All from the inside.

Ignoring the spells, he opened the door without anything happening and stopped dead in his tracks. Harry had to blink a few times as Luna looked over his shoulder. The whole room was redecorated in dim lighting and candles. Ron was tied to the four corners of the bed and wearing a school girl’s uniform. Hermione stood beside the bed in leather lingerie holding a whip and a feather, her hair swirling around her like a lion’s mane.

“Mlhlllp!” Ron screamed through his gag.

Hermione gave his chest a lash. “Quiet Maggot! I’m busy Harry.”

Harry nodded, he didn’t want to interrupt anything after all. “Shall I wait for you back at the house?”

Mistress Hermione nodded. “I should…”

The red beam of a stunning curse hit her in the chest and the girl dropped to the floor. Luna lowered her wand and made a tsk’ing sound. “It’s worse than I thought.”

Harry pursed his lips.

“Leather just doesn’t suit her at all. Maybe lace instead.” Luna muttered.

Ron seemed to sigh in relief and relaxed on the bed. They pretended not to notice the little pup tent in the skirt he was wearing. He eyed Harry and started to blush.

Two of the elves following Harry grabbed Hermione and took her back to Harry’s house. He moved about the room for several seconds, letting his green robe rustle. Stopping, he picked up a book off the floor and flipped through it until he came to a page Hermione had marked earlier. Grinning, Harry turned to Ron, and brought his wand up.

“This is too good to pass up.”

‘Oh crap.’ Ron’s scream didn’t make it past the silenced door of his room or the parents who would have heard the sound of ultimate suffering. The house shook a second time and a wave of light filled the house and shot from every window and crack, obscuring the house for several seconds. When the light died down all was quiet, to quiet.

oooooooooo

Dumbledore watched quietly, petting Fawks, as Severus Snape downed his third bottle of Fire Whiskey. Something odd happened at the meeting with Voldemort, Albus was sure of that, but Severus didn’t seem to want to share. All he’d gotten so far was that Voldemort wanted Harry captured at all costs and ordered Severus to do it. Or else there would be consequences most dire.

Of course Albus was feeling a bit shocked himself. Never, in the last century and a half, had he encountered anything like Harry Potter. Students didn’t like to have their lives plotted out for them, he understood this, but sometimes he had to do it anyway. Harry Potter was no exception. Anyone with the power to take down Voldemort needed to be molded just so, or things could turn bad. Just like Tom Riddle.

He was sure that if Harry ever started using blood magic he would turn Dark instantly and the world would be doomed. He had to prevent that at all costs. Reaching out, he snagged the bottle of fire whiskey from Severus, poured himself a cup, and started nursing it to calm his own nerves. Snape lowered his wand and took the bottle back with a snarl.

“Headmaster, I’m notsh drunk enough yetit.” Severus slurred, drinking right from the bottle. Would his whole life be plagued by Potters? Just one little Avada and the whole family would finally be out of his hair. Oh how he wished he could do it. Maybe after some more fire whiskey, yeah.

Dumbledore shrugged. He was beginning to think that being drunk might help him with the Potter situation. No matter how he looked at it almost all of his plans were falling apart. He figured that only a couple were still possible and even then those were iffy at best. Fawks sang a little and flew over to his perch to settle down for a few hours. He did his best to ignore the amused sounds the bird was making though. Blasted turkey didn’t know when to quit.

“You donsh undersand Headmaster…” Snape slurred and grinned widely. “Ah, there we aresh. Now I’m drunk enough to forget thish night ever happened.”

“What happened my boy?”

“The brat hish pulling off the imposshible. He got the Death Eater kids sometime this week. Even Bella has been affected. Heh ehahahehehe…The Dark Lordsh almost killed her tonighsh. Threw a Avada at her and missed by inches because he wash so pisshed off.” Snape muttered, hugging his bottle. “My precious. You never letsh me doon.”

“What did he do to the children?”

“It’s was horr...horrigl…bad, disgushting…” Snape put his hands over his ears. “I’ll never forget that offile soundish…” He shudders through a Draco Malfoy flashback and gives a couple of dry heaves. “It echoess in my brain! Get it ish out.”

Sighing, Dumbledore pulled his wand and performed a quick Legilimency to see Severus’ memory of the event. He pulled out several seconds later and shuddered. It took several seconds to control himself and try and think about the scene properly. He wasn’t aware of any spell that could do that to Draco Malfoy, but Harry was proving to be a lot more cunning that expected.

He was a Gryffindor. The information just didn’t add up properly.

Severus groaned, leaned over, and spewed all over the floor. More dry heaves followed as the man lurched to his feet. “I need sleep.”

“I think that would be a good idea.” Dumbledore said mildly.

As the spy staggered out of the office Dumbledore banished the mess on the floor and leaned back with a long suffering sigh. “Potter has to be brought to heel or everything will fall apart…”

DingDingDing! “It’s the secret Word for the Day! He said Potter!” A high pitched voice screamed in Dumbledore’s ear.

The old man jerked around in shock. Confetti fell from the ceiling, and a burst of light appeared just above his desk and a green robed elf stood there, posing. It giggled, and threw a whipped cream pie in Dumbledore’s face.

SPLUT!


White cream splattered all over the bookcase and desk. Dumbledore nearly fell out of his chair. Fawks jumped into the air screeching loudly as the elf giggled again and vanished. His robes suddenly flared out and the office started to spin.

‘Uh oh.’ Was Dumbledore’s last thought.

oooooooooo

Twelve hours.

It was such a simple thing to say, and yet, Minerva McGonagall was sure that the last few hours were the longest she ever experienced. She sat at Dumbledore’s desk and really wondered what Albus was thinking, or smoking, when he decided to throw James and Lily’s son into Azkaban and leave him there.

At the time, she just nodded her head with everyone else and let Albus have his way. He was a leader and her friend, so she was sure he thought the whole plan through. Two years later things were bad, then Harry escapes, and things take an even worse turn.

Mrowr!

McGonagall looked up at the ceiling of the office where Mrs. Norris was sitting on the ceiling defying gravity, hiding behind an arch. She didn’t even gape at the sight before her. Potter’s revenge was never ending. It just plowed forwarded with no end in sight. A badly shaved cat that couldn’t get off the ceiling was just one of those things she was used to.

Mrowr! Mrowr!

“Shut up!” She snapped. The cat ran over to cower behind a ceiling joist. It peaked a head out and hissed at her.

With a sigh, she shuffled some of the paper work around on the desk for a few minutes, looking for something to occupy her time. Then the fireplace flared with green fire and Madam Pomfrey stepped out of the Flu dusting herself off. Minerva motioned her over to a chair. “Any idea what was wrong with him?”

Pomfrey nodded as she sat down. “It’s a mixture of things, but it comes down to over work, and another of Potter’s pranks.”

“Overwork? He’s always been as solid as a rock.”

“Potter broke him.”

Minerva huffed. “This is intolerable. The boy must be stopped or the whole wizarding world will fall into chaos!”

“It isn’t now?” The old nurse sounded amused.

“What are you saying?”

“We both know what Albus planned to do with Harry after You Know Who was defeated.”

“Sure, a nice long vacation.”

Pomfrey coughed. “To put it mildly.”

“I would have made sure boy got away before that happened.”

“It’s why Potter was sent to Azkaban in the first place. Defeating Voldemort was just another step in the plan.”

“Albus never said anything about this.”

“He’s mumbling things in his sleep at St. Mungos right now, from all the potions, plans, names, and everything else.”

Twelve hours ago Albus Dumbledore was admitted into St. Mungos after being found unconscious on the floor of his office. Even thinking it sent Minerva into shivers. “So, did they say when he would be better?”

“At least a month, possible half a year. Even dosed with potions he’s still smiling that strange grin.”

“Anything else?”

Madam Pomfrey rubbed her temples. “Well, before they started forcing potions down his throat, he was singing limericks and dancing naked in the halls.”

She could only blink in shock.

“Its already being attributed to Potter as well. It seems at least ten other Ministry officers were cursed with the same thing. Supposedly the Minister himself was attacked earlier this morning. He started acting like a orangutan, hanging naked form his office, and flinging...” Madam Pomfrey giggled. “His own poop, at his secretary. She promptly quit.”

There was a knock at the office door and Argus Filch stuck his head in. “I managed to get Hagrid off the ceiling Professor.”

“Any problems?”

The caretaker’s face scrunched up for a second. “Naw, just had some sixth hears fire some cutting hexes at him till that costume of his ripped and he fell to the floor.”

“Was Hagrid hurt?”

“He’s almost eight feet tall, barely had to move his legs to land on his feet.” Argus grinned evilly. “O’course, the only thing he was wearing were these rather ratty looking boxers.”

Minerva started to cough.


“Me, I’m at a loss as to why a couple o’the girls were eyeing him with a blush on they’re cheeks.”

She started coughing harder, but Madam Pomfrey just started laughing. “Oh I can think of a reason.”

“Whatever, Hagrid managed to get back to his house unscathed.”

“Good, good.” Minerva said.

Argus nodded and shut the door as he left.

With a flick of her wrist, Minerva conjured up a glass of hot coco and long pull from the mug. She sighed as it soothed her nerves. “I’m beginning to understand why Albus had a breakdown now.”

Pomfrey nodded. “Running this place is stressful.”

The fire place flared with green fire and the head of Mad eye Moody formed. “Minerva!”

“Moody?”

“We got another problem, and with Albus down I’m not sure who to report to.”

“What’s going on?”

“Something weird is happening over at Azkaban.”

“What do you know so far?” Minerva asked and drank some more of her coco.

“It’s hard to make out details, but this green haze is beginning to cover the whole island. We only noticed it because all the birds and animals on the island were fleeing away from it a few hours ago.”

“Potter again?”

“Most likely, we can’t track his magical signature anymore so we have to guess. He’s been pulling these large scale pranks every couple of months.”

“Well alert the Ministry and have them look into it for now. With Albus out, there isn’t much we can do.”

“You got it.” Moody growled and left the flu.

oooooooooo

“I want my Wiggly Chan!” Hermione yelled out and thrashed around on the bed. “Oh Ron, I’m COMING for YOU!”

Harry turned to the elves standing by the bed. “Why’s she tied up?”

“She insisted, Master Harry.” Scar growled.

Luna stood next to Harry with her good down to reveal her long blonde hair. “She seems to be enjoying herself.”

“Yep, maybe a little too much.” As Hermione was still wearing the leather lingerie outfit, it was a little hard for him to look away. He’d never seen his friend reveal this much skin before. Of course it was now going on three years since he left school, so things may have changed.

“I need my Ronny!” Hermione whined.

“I don’t see the appeal.” Harry admitted. He glanced over that the two cages by the door. A beak pecked through door of one cage.

“Sqwak!”

Luna pulled her hood up. “The elves know what to do. Let us fly from this hovel and set the next plan into motion, Master.” She giggled.

“Keep Hermione from doing anything to dangerous, Scar, I’ll have to brew up a potion to break the influence that book had on her.”

“Yes sir.”

Harry took Luna’s hand and led her from the room. “Did you have any trouble casting that spell?”

She shook her head. “Not at all, at first it seemed to resist me, but then something changed and it almost wove itself.”

“Excellent, the old magic can be a bit temperamental, but it works so much better than the stuff we use these days. I think it wants to be used. Would you like to come and watch the show?”

“Daddy wants me home soon.”

Harry raised his eyebrow. “Didn’t you graduate?”

Luna nodded slowly. “Of course, but I have some stuff to do in the morning so I have to be home.”

“Ah, well, with any luck, Voldemort will respond to this attack and I finally put the dork behind me.”

“Good luck! Remember, shish and flick, and say the ‘f’ instead of the ‘h’ or you’ll end up with a Hippo on your chest!” Luna sang as she left the room and went home.

“Of course!” Harry said, and then pulled out a pencil to note that idea down. It could come in handy.

oooooooooo

Daily Prophet

Today in Potter watch, he spray painted his symbol on the Tower of London and sent the Muggles into a frothing mass of rage. They still haven’t found where the laughing sound is coming from.

The Knight Bus can’t seem to go where it wants and the driver is tired of ending up at every brothel in the city.

Fudge turned into a monkey and throwing around his own poo later this morning. His secretary beats him to within an inch of his life for ruining her hair. St. Mungos says he should have her shoe removed from his ass sometime tomorow.

Snow is falling on Azkaban Island according to a Ministry source. Why this is happening, no one knows, but something strange is happening there. The People want to know what.

Random attacks continue to go unreported as the Ministry fails to protect people from Potter.

Penguins have started to appear all over the country squawking in rage. Keep a boot handy.

oooooooooo

“Fred, George.”

The two twins threw themselves at Harry’s feet. “Master!”

Harry hands each of them a green robe. They handle them reverently as they quickly don them.

“What can we do for you Prank Lord?” George asks with a smirk.

Fred pulls a whoopee cushion from his new robe and arches an eyebrow.

“I have a job for you.”

“Anything!”

“Here’s what I want you do...”

oooooooooo

Voldemort looked around as he suddenly felt a chill run down his spine. “This is an ominous sign.”

oooooooooo

To be Concluded...

Notes: One chapter to go and I’ll be done. Hopefully it won’t take quite as long. This one took quite a while to get just right, my timing was off on some of the jokes, but I think I managed to pull them off. My favorite was the Were-Squirrel. That one had me laughing as I wrote it.

The thing with the pie in the face is from an old tv show I saw a long time ago. Secret word of the day is from Marx Brothers. Fletcher finally got a little time, as did Remus, who will be in the next chapter as well.

Hermione tied to a bed wearing leather lingerie. Fan boys rejoice.

Luna’s part didn’t work out as well as I had hoped, but it got the story moving, so I’m happy. She’ll have more to do in the next chapter. Now if there was only some way to pull off a four naked men dancing in the snow to celebrate their freedom from pants.

oO

Heh