Harry Potter - Series Fan Fiction ❯ Going Under ❯ Chapter 2: 50 thousand tears I've cried ( Chapter 2 )

Title: Going UnderAuthor: DeityOfDeathArchive: Yes please......Pairings: Severus/Harry, Lucius/Harry, Draco/HarryCategory: Drama, romance, slash, Mpreg, rape, non-con, violencerating: NC-17/RSpoilers: Most likely.Warnings: Yaoi, Lemon, Rape, Non-con, Mpreg, Incest, SPOILERS!!!!!! Disclaimers: I never have nor will I ever own HP or its chars. They are property of JKR and major companies.
Note from Author: Thank You for reading and supporting fan fiction~! Enjoy and please review~!
The chapter titles are lyrics from the song "Going Under" by Evanescence


Chapter 2: 50 thousand tears I've cried

I felt the dark haze of sleep lift and I realized three things. 1. I was alive. 2. Snape had apologized because he couldn't or wouldn't kill me. 3. I was lying in a bed covered in blankets which meant I was no longer in Voldemort's grasp.

I opened my eyes and looked at my surroundings. I was in a room that had seen better days, letting me know that the residence I was currently residing in was old. There were two other beds in the room indicating that there had been or still was a large family occupying this residence. The beds were also messy and unmade letting me know that they had been slept in recently. The smell of fresh baked bread, bacon and coffee hid the smell of old wood and seemed to grow stronger. My stomach growled and I sat up pulling my legs out from underneath the heavy covers.

I saw that I no longer was bare for the world and all in it to see. Someone had seen fit to clothe me in a white T-shirt, black sweat pants and white socks that went above my ankles.

Clothes didn't feel right any more. I had gone so long without them that now I wore them I felt closed off and unable to move properly. It also felt like clothing me was hiding the proof of what had happened. Hide the healing cuts, welts, bruises, whip marks and initials that so many of Voldemort's Death Eaters had carved into my skin as a reminder. I didn't need their initials scarred in my skin to remind me. I would remember each hurtful thrust and each minute I spent wishing I was dead.

I drew my knees up to my chest and realized that a familar weight still clung around my neck. I lifted my hands and traced the thick leather collar that had a silver tag emblazened with Voldemort's dark mark and little diamonds that went around, the black of the collar causing them to stand out like stars in the blackest sky.

It must have a spell on it that they couldn't remove or have yet to figure out how to undo.

I slid my feet over the edge and walked towards the bedroom door and turned the knob, leaning against it ever so lightly so that it slowly and quietly opened. Once the door was open I peered out and saw rows of closed doors and stairs leading down. I knew where I was. I had been to this place many a time. The bedroom had been new to me but the rest of the house let me know that this was Grimmauld place, Sirius' home and prison before he had died.

I softly walked towards the door I knew to be the bathroom and pushed it open the rest of the way since it had already been slightly ajar. Upon stepping inside I turned on the light and came face to face with my own pallid reflection. My eyes were deep and sallow within their sockets and they resembled those of a deer in headlights. They looked haunted and frightened. My skin was pale yet covered in bruises in various stages of healing. Some were violet and green while others were brown and yellow and the many shades in between. My eyes were a horrid shade of green and the purple bruising around them from lack of sleep just made them look that much more awful. My hair was greasy and parts of it lay against my head in dry caked among other things while other pieces stuck up in every direction.

I looked at myself in that well lit mirror and hated what I saw. I felt a static fill my mind as I raised my fist and punched the mirror in front of me as hard as I could. I watched as hundreds of shards in all sizes and shapes rained down and into the sink, a few coated in a deep crimson. I moved my fist so that I could see it closely and stared at my sliced and bloody knuckles marveling in the beauty of the reflective surfaces that protruded from my flesh. Some pieces were coated with my crimson blood and yet on the glass my blood reminded me of the candied apples that my cousin Dudley was so fond of.

I watched as that white porcelain sink filled with bright red that tinted pink under the ever dripping faucet. I was mesmerized, so much so that I missed the screaming and yelling of my name. It wasn't until hands of tan and peach invaded my vision pulling the beautiful carnage from my sight and wrapped my bleeding hand in a nearby clean rag. I tried snatching my bleeding hand away glaring into light brown eyes.

"Let go!"

"I can't do that Harry. I can't stand here and watch as you hurt yourself," said Remus Lupin my ex Professor.

"Then go away," I said tightly.

"We can't dear," said Mrs. Weasley soothingly.

"Why not? Neither of you were near or watching when I was taken from out front of my Aunt and Uncles home and now you want to help?! Where were you!? No matter how many times I told you not that I needed to! You knew! Everyone knew! Then he showed up with his cronies and I was left helpless because my Uncle confiscated my wand and someone had allowed Mundungus back on duty!"

I saw her eyes quiver with the gathering tears and part of me felt awful, but that part was hiding deep inside like a cowering child lost and scared.

"We're sorry for that Harry, we all are."

"If you’re truly sorry then let go and walk away. Let me die. I don't want to be anyone’s savior! I don't want to live with the fame of my parent’s death! I don't want to watch anyone else die! I don't want to feel anymore!"

"We're sorry Harry and because of that we can't let you die. Starting from here we'll do our best to help you live and not feel as though the weight of the world is on your shoulders. There's nothing we can do about your parents or the fact that their death and brought you fame because you lived nor is there anything we can do about the deaths you've witnessed thus far but we will try our hardest to see that you feel little or no pain from this point on," said Remus pulling me into a hug.

"I see you make no promises."

"Nothing can be guaranteed Harry. Each day we are all pawns to fate and life."

"Come, let's go fix you up. I'll have Bill and Charlie come clean this up," said Mrs. Weasley glancing at the sink.

I let them lead me out of the bathroom and back into the room I had left. They helped me into a sitting position and while Remus looked over my hand Mrs. Weasley left. I felt nothing as I watched Remus pull shards of broken glass from my knuckles. When he had pulled what seemed to be the last piece out, Mrs. Weasley returned carrying a small first aid kit.

I sat and allowed her to pour a disinfectant over my hand. Watching as it bubbled and fizzed I realized that I felt nothing. No pain, no discomfort and not even the tickling sensation of the bubbles. Remus and Mrs. Weasley seemed to notice as well but neither said anything.
Mrs. Weasley wiped away the dirty remnants and then gently took my small, thin and frail looking hand in her two large, plump warm ones and with one hand holding mine her other slowly and carefully covered my cuts in a mixture of healing potion and scar-B-Gone.
"You needn't be so slow and gentle. I can't feel anything. I haven't in a while."
I saw her stiffen slightly but she never changed her pace or the gentle way in which she did her mending. She had taken out clean white gauze bandages and began to wrap them around my knuckles and hand.
"I think it’s because of the Cruciatus. I don't know or remember how many times Voldemort and the others used it but after a while it just...stopped hurting."
"We'll have Headmistress McGonagall look into it as well as Professor Snape," said Remus thickly.
"How long?"
"How long? How long what dear," asked Mrs. Weasley as she finished up on my hand.
"How long was I gone? How long was I in his possession?"
It was quiet, as if both were figuring out how to answer. How to phrase it or how much to say and then Remus sighed and ran a hand through his almost fully gray hair.
"A little over two months."
I sat there and watched as Mrs. Weasley turned her back towards me shuffling things around in the first aid kit and then shutting and locking it.
"We would always arrive a day or two after he had already packed up his evil circus and left and before Severus, Draco and Lucius had succeeded in saving you we had almost caught him."
"Where are they?"
"Voldemort and his followers or Severus, Draco and Lucius?"
I stared at Mrs. Weasley, "The last three."
"Severus is at Hogwarts gathering his things so that he can move them into the basement here and I assume Draco and Lucius are both here as well, in their rooms most likely."
So they had got what they had used me for. They had their shelter and protection and in the home that was rightfully mine, the home that Sirius had left to me and Remus. I had become someone’s pawn yet again.
"Are you feeling alright?"
I nodded at Mrs. Weasley's question and looked around, "I smelled breakfast, is there any left?"
"Of course dear! Would you like to eat up here or downstairs?"
I thought about it. I could hide away up here for a little while longer or I could go downstairs and face it head on, causing not only myself discomfort but others as well. It would have to be done eventually and this bedroom was becoming stifling.
"Downstairs. I've got to face everyone eventually, why not now?"
She smiled even though her brown eyes showed sorrow in their watery depths.
"Let's be going then, the foods most likely being devoured by Ron."
I smiled and stood up. I followed behind Mrs. Weasley who led the way and behind me I could feel the strong and comforting presence of Remus at my back.
We went out into the hallway and passed the bathroom which now exuded a lemony scent. We walked down the stairs and past the many heads of dead house elves. Soon we arrived in the dining room where we saw Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Draco, Lucius, Bill, Charlie and Tonks all sitting at the table which was piled high with food. Ron had his plate piled high and was in mid-chew when he stopped and called out my name, causing food to fly from his mouth in various directions. Identical looks of disgust covered both Malfoy's faces.
"Ronald Weasley, how many times have I said not to talk with your mouth full!?"
"Sorry, Mom," he said blushing slightly after swallowing the remaining food in his mouth.
Hermione looked at him with distaste before turning to smile at me. Tears filled her bright brown eyes as she stood up and walked over to me, pulling me into a big hug.
"I was so worried about you. I'm so glad Professor Snape and the Malfoy's found you and brought you back."
I returned her hug and realized how small her waist had gotten since our last hug.
"You're so...skinny," I said softly and taken aback.
"Kind of hard to eat when you don't know whether your best friend is dead or alive," she said softly while she wiped away her tears.
"I see Ron still has his appetite," I said grinning.
"He's gained everything I've lost. Fred and George keep asking him when the baby's due," said Hermione grinning.
"And I keep telling Fred and George that I'm not gay!"
I stared at Ron and let what had been said sink in. As it sunk in I felt butterflies in my stomach and suddenly I wasn't so hungry anymore even wasn't so hungry to begin with.
"There's nothing wrong with gay wizards," proclaimed Hermione as she huffed at Ron and his comment.
"Never said there was, it’s just not my cup of tea. Besides, we all know I wouldn't have a problem with it. Especially since at least two of my darling brothers are gay."
"RONALD WEASLEY!"
"You know its true, Mom. I don't care if others know. Most of us here are good acquaintances and even if there are those among us who aren't, they have no right to throw stones," said Charlie smiling brightly.
I sat down in an empty chair next to Hermione and Remus took a seat in the empty chair next to me and grabbed two plates in the middle of the table. He put one in front and one in front of himself. He grabbed a fork and put a nice size piece of roast beef on my plate and a smaller one on his own. As I watched him pile on mashed potatoes, green beans and corn bread the conversation continued.
"I thought male pregnancy was just a myth," said Hermione.
"By Merlin, call the Prophet; we've got a news story for them! I can see the headlines now, 'Granger doesn't know something'," said Draco who started laughing and oddly enough Ron joined him.
"Well you have to admit that it sounds rather impossible," she said defensively.
"This coming from a muggle who goes to a school for Witchcraft and Wizardry!?"
Hermione turned to look at smiling Trunks and huffed," I get it; I don't know everything so is someone going to fill me in so I can?"
"It's hard to explain. Some say that male pregnancy in the wizarding world is caused by powerful wizards while others say that it has to do with a gene only found in pure blooded wizarding families. Some even suggest it's caused because the impregnated wizard is a hermaphrodite. No one knows for sure and most wizards wish for privacy and not to become guinea pigs while others choose not to look a gift horse in the mouth," said Lucius joining the conversation.
"Are there books on male pregnancy," asked Hermione.
"Yes, but not many. There's one written by a descendant or Merlin that goes through the details of his own pregnancy," said Charlie.
"What are the symptoms if a male wizard gets pregnant," asked Hermione.
"The same as a witch’s pregnancy, some say the symptoms are worse but I believe men are just bigger babies when it comes to aches, pains and inconveniences," said Mrs. Weasley.
I had been picking at my food and in a moment of insecurity I lifted my hand and placed it on my stomach.
"Harry dear, are you feeling okay? You haven't touched your food and you’re as pale as a ghost."
I looked at Mrs. Weasley and felt Remus' comforting grip on my shoulder," Is there a test to...you know...find out?"
"Well you can use a muggle one or you could..."
She stopped talking and turned pale. As if sensing our thoughts the table grew quiet. I looked up and found just about everyone’s eyes on me.
My stomach churned and I stood up quickly and ran out of the kitchen and towards the stairs. I found the bathroom that now smelled lemony and shoved the door open causing it to bang against the wall. I ran over to the toilet and pulled the seat up as I collapsed in front of it and began to loose what little I had eaten and continued to throw up nothing. I had finished heaving and with all my strength gone I curled up on the small plush rug on the bathroom floor and closed my eyes, praying to anyone who was listening that I wasn't one of the few that could conceive.
I hadn't noticed anyone enter nor had I heard the conversations that the group was now having in the hallway. What I had noticed was the cold damp cloth that was placed on my forehead and then wetted again so that the person could wipe it across my face and the back of my neck. I was helped into a sitting position where I could clearly see Remus' worried face as he had the refreshed rag in his hand and slid it over my face which was beginning to feel hot again.
"Shh...Its okay, Harry. Don't cry. We called Madam Pomphrey and Professor Snape and both are coming over to give you the test, okay?"
I nodded and he pulled me into a hug. I stiffened. I couldn't help it. I had been held by men in the same fashion except it usually ended with me being hurt or raped. He rubbed my back until I began to feel tired and my last coherent thought was of a tiny red eyed Tom Riddle ripping itself from my body.
To Be Continued...
Went over and fixed mistakes and errors. This story has potential but started off rather badly.
Kat