Harry Potter - Series Fan Fiction ❯ Going Under ❯ Chapter 4: And you still won't hear me ( Chapter 4 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Title: Going Under
Author: DeityOfDeath
Archive: Yes please...
Pairings: Severus/Harry, Lucius/Harry, Draco/Harry
Category: Drama, romance, slash, Mpreg, rape, non-con, violence
rating: NC-17/R
Spoilers: Most likely.
Warnings: Yaoi, Lemon, Rape, Non-con, Mpreg, Incest, SPOILERS!!!!!!
Disclaimers: I never have nor will I ever own HP or its chars. They are property of JKR and major companies.

Note from Author: Thank You for reading and supporting fan fiction! Enjoy and please review!

The chapter titles are lyrics from the song "Going Under" by Evanescence

Chapter 4: And you still won't hear me

I was given a set of clean clothes by Snape who surprisingly seemed to hover very near while I dressed. It was as if he expected to slit my wrists while dressing or perhaps he expected me to run away as soon as I had clothes. There was no telling with him and he gave nothing away in his eyes or the expressionless frown that was always in place.

I slipped on a clean pair of blue cotton boxer shorts and then a clean pair of white socks before I slid into a pair of blue denim jeans. Next I pulled on a red polo shirt and ran a hand through my usually messy hair before I picked up my glasses from where I had set them on the bed.

Mrs. Weasley was kind enough to keep them for me. Apparently they had fallen off during my abduction and were the only thing found in front of my Aunt and Uncles house after I was kidnapped.

I slid them on and for the first time and realized how many fine details I had missed without them.

Starring at Snape I could see that he wore a guilt stricken frown when ever he glanced my way. Why? Was he feeling repentant about everything he had done to me in the past? Perhaps he was feeling guilty about not killing me when I had asked but I doubted that. Then it occurred to me. Perhaps Snape was one of the many who had raped me. I looked him fully in the eye and saw him look away. I was most likely right. Why not play a little game of "Never have I ever".

"You won't look me in the eye...why is that?"

"..."

"Is there something you're not telling me, Professor?"

Once again he was silent so I continued to push the many buttons he had presented to me with his look of guilt, "I know...is it because you were there when I was getting raped? Were you aroused? Or is it because you already knew I was being raped because you had been forced to attend one of my rapes before?"

He turned to look at me, a harsh and raw look of regret and shame lay bare on his face which was all too soon replaced by red faced anger and outrage.

"I'm betting you had to have a go at me as well didn't you. Are your initials carved into my body like the others? What if you're the father? Wouldn't that be a conquest! Harry Potter raped and carrying the child of the man who was tortured and tormented by his father. Oh, I bet you'd love that..."

I felt something rush past me and at the same time into me. I slammed into the wall, my breath knocked out of me. I took a few breaths before looking up into the maddened onyx eyes of Severus Snape and even though deep inside I felt a tremor of fear I looked up into that frightening visage and grinned.

I had found some comfort in my anger and hatred. Neither would help me heal but for now both allowed me to make it through the day without tears. It really didn't matter who was on the receiving end, as long as I could shed some of my pent up rage and hide behind the now all too comforting mask of cruelty and anger.

"Don't grin at me boy! I didn't want to rape you! I wouldn't put anyone through that! Not you, not your father and not my worse enemy! Do you understand! Rape is rape! No one should know what its like."

"But you do...don't you," I asked feeling tears fill my eyes despite the hot anger that boiled throughout my chest.

He looked away and I felt the tears fall, "Do you? Tell me! Tell me I'm not alone! Tell me! Please..."

It was frightening how much I wanted his answer. How haunting my words felt, like they had come from someone else.

His hands were pressed against the wall on either side of my head and I slid past them as I slid down the wall and fell onto the floor crying softly.

I felt ashamed, isolated and angry all at once and yet I felt empty. How was it possible to be brimming with emotions and yet still feel empty?

"Yes! Yes, I know! Before there was you there was me! There was also Lucius, Narcissa and perhaps even Draco. Unlike you I knew what to expect, it wasn't my first time. I had been raped before by nameless students in school so it was no surprise. I preferred men but it was still rape. If loves not involved and it's not something you want willingly then its rape. Physical, mental, emotional…it's like they rape more than just your body."

"Can you count how many times," I asked as I starred at the floor between my legs.

"Yes. Each time was a small death for me."

"I couldn't..."

"Couldn't what Potter."

"Harry..."

"Couldn't what, Harry?"

"I couldn't keep count. That's why I didn't remember you. After a while I would kind of...zone out. I would find this place where it was quiet and peaceful and there was no pain."

It went silent. No words left either of us as our harsh and uneven breaths filled the nearly silent room followed by my occasional sniffle and shuddering breath.

"I'm sorry."

Why was he apologizing? Should he be apologizing? Should I say something? Why can't I look him in the eyes?

"Are you the only one I know who could be a possible father?"

"No."

I sat there and stared at the wood floor between my legs and watched how each line or grain in the wood followed its own path, sometimes meeting up with another line to form a new line.

"Has Poppy told anyone yet?"

I heard the rustle of his robes as he paced the room, "No. I believe she wants to wait and see if or when you'll tell them."

"So is it just Lucius or was Draco one of them as well?"

"It was both of them. I was there as were the others. I believe Draco wished for it to be anyone but him. It was...embarrassing for him. He is a so called “lover of all” and yet he was still pure and he had his heart set on having his first time with someone he loved and when he saw you and knew what he had to do to you in order to stay alive and unharmed… I believe that it hurt him inside. He cried silently the whole time."

Some part of me remembered that, just barely. I remembered that there was a man who was thrusting inside of me at an odd and off balance pace and when he finished he wrapped his arms around me in the oddest hug I had felt. It wasn't like being with the others; he wasn't trying to cause pain it was as if he were in as much pain as me. I remember him saying something over and over but I couldn't make out the words.

"What was it that he kept whispering in my ear," I asked softly.

At the this question he stopped his pacing causing the clack off his dress shoes on the wooden floor to stop along with the rustling of his billowy robes.

"You remember," he asked astounded.

"Bits and pieces; it's as if someone took a movie and cut out most of the plot, but his sticks out more than others. He hugged me and I remember how desperate that hug was and how stiff his body was while he whispered into my ear."

I heard a deep exhale of breath and then the sound of my bed giving way under his weight as the springs creaked, "I'm pretty sure that he is the one out of the three of us who would prefer that you didn't remember. He is my Godson and I care for him but his own overzealous stupidity brought all that has happened upon the two of us. His father dug his own grave and Draco was always one to idolize his father."

I looked up at him where he sat across the room then and realized how much alike we were. Not just Snape and I. I placed my hand on my stomach and let my tears fall as I looked over at him from his place on my bed.

"I wouldn't mind if one of you were the father."

He abruptly lifted his head and stared at me in shocked disbelief, "Are you mad! We're ex-death eaters! I'm at least 12 years your senior not to mention your Professor and I have succeeded in making your life a living hell! Lucius loves no one but himself and is a narcissus when it comes to blood and breeding. Draco is your age but immature. He being a father would be a train wreck to say the least."

I gave a watery smile and looked at him, "So you're the best out of the three?"

His shock turned into surprise as he stared at me, "My dear boy you must be mad if you think I'm the best."

"I would rather one of you three be the father and not Voldemort. Even if I could come to love this child growing inside of me...if it were Voldemort's it would be a witch hunt. They would seek to have my child destroyed for merely being alive. You can't deny it and even though the others would we all know it's true. My child would be as hated as I was loved, just for being alive. At least if it were one of you my child could live a somewhat normal life. And out of all the other choices for a father at least with one of you I know he would have somewhat of a decent soul."

His expression changed into one of sympathy and it was then that he understood. It was also then that I understood myself.

This child would give me a new reason to live and yet, if this child died or was harmed in any way I doubt I could say that my life would no longer have meaning or purpose. I do not wish this child harm but I can't wish its life with any enthusiasm either. There had to be some meaning or reason all this had happened to me and perhaps that reason was this child. Was it a life lesson, there would be no telling; right now I didn't feel anymore enlightened.

"For you Po...Harry, I'll hope that the child within belongs to one of us and perhaps it would be even better if it belonged to some nameless Death Eater from another country."

"Yes, especially since the latter is more of a possibility. But I would prefer the father be someone of a higher moral character."

"We need to end this war so that you can live amongst others so that you can see things in a better light, Potter...Harry...Boy!"

"Harry, sir," I answered softly.

"How am I to refer to you by your first name if you call me Professor or sir!?"

"Then what shall I call you, Snape? That sounds almost rude."

"Call me Severus you impertinent brat. Sometimes I believe you go out of your way to irritate."

"It's a natural talent, most likely inherited from the father I never got to know."

"You are as angst ridden as a Charles Dickens story or worse...Jane Austin."

"You've read those," I asked wiping away any remnants of tears.

"Yes, and since you will be stuck in this house without much to do I shall bring them so that you too can be familiar with them as well. Perhaps I can make a cultured individual out of you yet. Now do you wish to tell them now or later?"

"I'd prefer later but you would disapprove and then I would have no one to have witty banter with. I doubt Ron or Hermione would be very good conversationalists when it came to such things."

"Those who have whole families and little knowledge of hardship often don't," he said standing.

He walked over towards me and held out a large and callused hand before me. I stared at it for a moment in awe at its size, strength and all the calluses that covered his work roughened skin before taking it and allowing him to help me into a standing position. I hesitated when he looked at me, waiting for me to let go of his hand. I hadn't wanted to. It seemed so safe with my hand in his, as if it some how seemed, right.

I let go and wrapped both arms around myself in a comforting manner that I had gotten used to. He reached out and stepped in front of me to open the door, stopping with it only a quarter of the way open.

"My initials aren't on you; neither are Draco's or Lucius'. We feigned disgust and said that you weren't worthy of them and because of what we said others in our group did the same. You were spared from having Crabbe and Goyle's names carved into your skin as well as a few others. Although that didn't stop Beatrix as well you know."

"That's why I tensed up when Mrs. Weasley hugged me. I will find it unnerving to hug any well endowed woman for years to come. I find comfort in the fact that their names are on my body; I will know who to kill on the battlefield."

He nodded and opened the door fully allowing me to go ahead of him. We walked down that hall and down the stairs, butterflies doing loops and summersaults in my stomach. Upon reaching the kitchen I found an empty seat set with a cup of tea and a small bowl of soup with a small plate that held a few pieces of corn bread.

"Sit, dear. Eat and then tell us," said Mrs. Weasley as she took a seat next to her husband who set aside his morning newspaper.

I sat and Severus took a seat a few chairs away. Draco and Lucius sat next to each other sipping coffee feigning indifference while Hermione and Ron sat there looking anxious. I lifted my cup of tea and took a few sips until it was empty and Mrs. Weasley quickly stood up smiling brightly as she got the tea pot and refilled it for me, even going as far as to add two sugar cubes and a bit of lemon for me. I wouldn't and couldn't fault her for doing what mother's did. She was the closest thing to a mother that I had had.

I lifted my cup and took a sip smiling at Mrs. Weasley and then thanking her. I lifted the spoon next to my soup and dug in. Even with the butterflies in my stomach I was ravenous. I ate half the bowl before I realized it was beef stew and not an actual soup. It was delicious and I was hungry and it only made Mrs. Weasley and the others smile when I asked for a second helping.

While she went to refill my bowl I satiated my hunger with a few pieces of corn bread slathered in butter and honey, messy but delicious.

I had managed to eat another bowl of stew, a few more pieces of corn bread and drank two more cups of tea before I was completely and utterly satiated. I sat back in my chair and sighed happily. Food couldn't make you happy but it was certainly a start.

"Thank you, Mrs. Weasley. That was delicious."

"That's the most I've ever seen you eat," said Ginny amazed.

I laughed, "That's days with an empty stomach. Now imagine if I had gone a week like that. I bet I could out eat Ron."

"Not bloody likely," said Hermione with a smile.

I saw the smiles turn to eager looks of anticipation and I let my smile fade a bit, "I'm afraid I have some rather interesting news."

"Oh, Harry..."

Hermione rushed over and gave me a big hug and I patted her arm affectionately and awkwardly, trying my hardest not to show away from her touch like I had Mrs. Weasley's.

"Do we know how far along," asked Remus who stood leaning against a far counter.

"Madam Pomphrey said that the image we saw shows that I'm at least eight weeks along."

"Do you know who the father is, or is there a way to find out," asked Mrs. Weasley.

"There is...but I prefer not to know."

"Why," asked Ron who was chorused by a few others?

"Think about it," said Lucius.

"What do you mean," asked Ron.

"If my child happened to be fathered by Voldemort what would happen?"

"Oh Merlin," whispered Mrs. Weasley.

"Many would rally to have it killed before it was even born if news got out and even if something that drastic didn't happen the child would grow up a social misfit. His or her fame would come from a negative source and in a sense could create another Voldemort because the child would grow to hate those in the wizarding world," said Mr. Weasley.

"Oh, Harry. I'm sorry," Hermione sobbed into my neck.

"I'll be okay. Besides...the child could be anyone's. I'm kind of grateful for that fact. It gives my child a chance. There's a 1/5 chance it's not his."

Draco looked pale as he turned to look at me, "You could be..."

"I know."

His father looked a tad bit concerned as well as he spoke, "You would have us wonder?"

"I understand your situations but I will not put my child's life in danger because you were too cowardly to oppose Voldemort. You and Draco put yourselves into this situation. My only sin was being born a Potter and surviving death. Even Severus' situation was different. He did some good. What good did your joining the dark lord achieve? Your son's innocence, your wife's death, your hiding like roach in some god forsaken house that belonged to your enemy? No, don't preach to me. Your status and wealth have gotten you no where and that is where you'll stay if you don't pull your head out of your ass."

"How dare you..."

"How dare I!? How dare you!? You want to stay in this safe haven then you'd better get used to hearing what I have to say Lucius Malfoy. This is your own fault. You all knew what I asked for back in that hell hole and you chose to bring me back anyway. We both lost on that one."

I watched as he stood and stared down at me, anger and frustration making his beautiful features horrid and ugly, "So we did, Potter so we did."

He stormed off out of the kitchen while Draco stared after him looking lost. He stood and looked down at me with a sorrowful look so close to sympathy and need that it hurt to see it.

"I'm sorry."

"I know. I don't blame you. You have no need to feel guilty. We were both victims. Don't feel as though you should take responsibility."

He nodded and his eyes looked a tad watery as he turned away and left the room.

I felt Hermione unravel her arms from around me as she stood up and patted me on the back. I felt a large warm hand on my shoulder and when I looked up I saw that it was none other than Severus.

"This whole situation is like a tangled web and I don't think we're going to find an end to it any time soon," said Remus.

Ron looked angry as he stared at Severus and so did Ginny but neither spoke. I hoped that none of the three would receive any harsh treatment. If left in their situation I doubt Ron or the others would have done something different. They saw the easiest way out and they took it, who knew it would be a road just as rocky as the other.

"So what will you do now," asked Ginny.

"I will carry this child to term and while I do I'll look into a way to find the last horcrux and hopefully destroy Voldemort. After that I plan to take it one day at a time."

"We'll be with you Harry, every step of the way," said Hermione and the others nodded their agreement.

To Be Continued...

I went through and fixed a lot of grammatical mistakes as well as rewrote and fixed some mistakes. I am now ready to start on the next chapter so please continue reading and enjoy.

Kat