Harry Potter - Series Fan Fiction ❯ Passing Notes ❯ Stopping The Madness ( Chapter 4 )

I can recall the first time I truly understood the beauty that was Hermione. It was at the Yule Ball our fourth year. I had, begrudgingly, agreed to take Parkinson to the ball and was not looking forward to it in the least. Though I looked dashing in my black velvet dress robes, standing next to that pug could only bring my appearance down. She had tried her best to `pretty' up by wearing a ridiculously frilly pink thing and had only minimally succeeded.

I was coming to grips with the fact that this would be a long, boring night when she entered with the Durmstrang students. At first I was like everyone else, wondering who that gorgeous creature was who accompanied Krum. Not even her best mates could tell it was her. She wore floaty blue dress robes that were simple yet exquisite. When she walked her body would be outlined and you could scarcely make out the slim physique she hid under her frumpy school robes. Her entire aura seemed to be different somehow. As she walked, flashing her nervous smile to all she passed, it was as if she wasn't the bookworm we had come to know and loathe. She was the Bulgarian princess who accompanied their prized prince. She seemed regal and delicate and…pureblood.

That was the first time I forgot anything I once knew about her and just absorbed the vision she was that evening. As we passed Pansy couldn't help but gape at the beauty she could never compare to and I was left wordless. There was no flaw I could find to pick at and now, as I observed her across the Great Hall at dinner, I was left with the same feeling.

She had her bushy hair somewhat tamed. It was retracted into a messy bun with little ringlets falling gracefully around her face. Her cloak, which I had a sneaking suspicion was not her cloak and yet my missing one, was left open revealing her school uniform.

The thought of Granger wearing my cloak brought about the actions that had ensued the past week. The air within the halls held a chill as fall began to wane and winter slowly roused. I had been wearing my old cloak, much to the amusement of my fellow Slytherins. The questions about its whereabouts had begun as all Slytherin eyes were watching to see which beautiful witch adorned it. Pansy had made it her personal mission to find that certain witch and tell her to back off. I knew the time for me to retrieve my cloak from Granger had arrived yet with the extra eyes watching my movements, contacting her would come to be difficult.

The last I saw of my cloak was when we had passed notes in the library. The promise of another exchange had been lingering on my mind yet the downfall to being ungodly popular was the fact that free time was hard to come by. If it wasn't Crabbe and Goyle following me about like lost puppies it was Pansy drooling all over my robes. I knew I needed to send her another note. I was anxious to have another exchange though and as I watched her I decided tonight would be the night. Snape had assigned us another long and impossibly complex essay so Granger would undoubtedly return to the library tonight.

After our night in the library I had begun to accept the idea that I was indeed drawn to Granger. Though I still thought myself mental, I was slowly accepting that no matter how I berated myself I was still left with these feelings. Though the idea of the dark prince of Slytherin conversing with a lowly mud blood still seemed outlandish I knew I didn't want to stop our encounters. This year had brought about a sort of change in me that I never would have suspected. If you had told me last year that I would be plotting schemes in order to speak with Granger I would have sent you straight to Saint Mungos; and yet, here I am pushing my food around my plate, waiting for her to rise and head to our impromptu meeting place.

“Bloody ridiculous.”

“What is?” I turned to look at my personal demon as Pansy's nasal voice raped my eardrums.

“What are you on about now?” I don't think I could handle another four hundred-question inquiry as to where my cloak was, who had it, and if I still found her as pretty as the day I first saw her. If she only knew the low standards I held her beauty at she would no longer find the need to ask me such a question. Though I knew her reaction to me saying my true thoughts on the matter would only bring about more questions and more time spent listening to Pansy yip.

She wrinkled her pug nose as she gave a very unattractive snort. “You said `bloody ridiculous'. I was wondering what you where talking about.”

If I wasn't a Malfoy I would have blushed, but being the proud Malfoy I am I simply scowled. I hadn't noticed I had spoken aloud. I was so caught up in my thoughts that I must have spoken without noticing. I didn't know what could have been worse, that I was highly caught up in thoughts that revolved around a certain bushy haired witch or that I had been partially caught in doing so. They say the first sign of madness was talking to yourself; maybe my little outburst was a sign that I was heading down that path. “I was simply thinking about something, don't worry about it.”

Obviously that answer did not please my little beast of burden as she prepared to torture me with her highly abrasive voice. “What were you thinking about that was so ridiculous?”

And it began. First it would be simple questions, then she would make a comment about the weather and how it was turning. Then, and this is my personal favorite, she would bring up the topic of my now least favorite cloak and it's whereabouts. Soon I will be listening to her shriek as she plots conspiracy theories as to what and/or who might have my cloak.

I tried to think of something that would avoid this oncoming torture and allow me to leave when the time was right. My answer soon rolled into my head as I turned to Pansy with my notorious smirk. “I was thinking about the stupid essay Snape has assigned. It will take me all of the three weeks assigned to finish it. I was thinking of going to the library to work on it after dinner.”

It was then that I caught movement at the Gryffindor table. She had risen, my black cloak billowing around her small frame. She smiled at her two idiots as she gathered her twenty books and headed out. By her solo departure I knew that my assumption was indeed correct and could almost leap with joy. Tonight we would speak and maybe begin a tradition of meeting in her favorite place. Now all I had to do was ditch my tormentor and I could be on my way.

I rose as well, thinking it best to give her as little reaction time as possible. I gathered my things as I spoke to her. “In fact I am going to go now. I feel full and if I work until the library closes then I may make a significant dent in my workload. Bye Pansy.” And with that I was all but running out of the hall. I could hear Pansy attempting to offer her response as I walked away. Hopefully she would not become a larger annoyance and follow me. I looked behind me, frightening myself with my own thoughts, that was the last thing I needed, that monster even thinking I had anything to do with Granger.

That train of thought led me to an even scarier place, the idea that Pansy would find out. Her reaction could be devastating. She would yell and scream and wonder what I was doing. Then her reaction could turn one of two ways. She could become teary, asking why I had forsaken her for someone of a lesser blood. I would cup her face and look into her eyes with the carefully practiced look of love and caring. I would tell her it was just a fling or a plan to help advance my mission in bringing down our headmaster. I would tell her it was nothing and we would kiss and she would be content once again.

Or it could turn down a way I hope it doesn't. She would become cold and calculated, she could think of the best way to ruin me for cheating on her. First she would start with our house, she would tell them of my exploits with Granger thus making me lose my contacts and allies within the house. Then she would go to all the other houses painting me to be weak and to be turning my back on the Dark Lord. This would obviously reach my father, which would never bode well. He would probably torture me or kill me just to please his master. This road would be one I would avoid at all costs.

I once again seemed to be lost in my thoughts as I returned from them to find my feet had taken me to my desired location. The library was once again empty, many of the students either returning to their bedrooms to sleep for the evening, or finding other fun ways to spend the remainder of their evening. Either way it was the perfect atmosphere to once again make contact with my new obsession. I walked around the library, looking to see if there was a glimmer of light that could signal me to her location. I moved to the Dark Arts area to find her sitting, surrounded by tomes larger than her.

I smirked at her predictability. Her want to excel was something I once scorned but now I only saw it as an endearing factor of her personality. It was this element of her, this knowledge-seeking bit that had brought me to her in the first place and I would never deny its wonder ever again. I moved down the opposite row of her, moving ever closer to her light. When I could see her through the bookshelves I sat at the table and arranged all my things. To any passerby it would appear as if I was working on my essay and refused to remain near a mud blood to do so.

I set my books around me, opening them at random intervals to make it appear as if I was deep in studying. I pulled out my parchment and thought of which animal I should do today. The last time I had picked her trusty mascot knowing she would find it amusing. This time I thought I should pick something relevant to me so I changed the color of my parchment to green and then cast the spell to change it into a snake. My house animal slithered around the table, waiting for me to reach out, etch a message into its skin and send it on its way.

This was the hard part, thinking of what to say to her. I never knew how to start the conversation. A simple hello would never do but how else do you being a conversation without the basic pleasantries? It was then that I thought of the topic of tonight's conversation that I knew what I had to write. I laid my hand flat on the table, palm up as I waited for the snake to come. He glided over my potions book to come into my hand where he unfolded. I smiled to myself as I wrote the first words of tonight's exchange, `you know it is dangerous to be wearing my cloak about. People my see it and figure out our secret.'

I leaned back and waited for my snake to transform. When he was back into his animal state I picked him up and whispered to him the person unto which he would deliver my message, `Hermione Granger'. With his target selected he slithered out of my hand, down the table post and off between the shelves.

I listened to hear her reaction. Last time I had distanced myself further from her, afraid that my close proximity may bring about unwanted attention but tonight I did not care. As I waited for the lion to return the previous time I wondered what she had done and, if at all, said to herself. Her responses always seemed well planned and thought out, just like everything she did. She took the time to make sure what she was saying was relevant and correct and I wondered what she did to come up with those answers.

I heard her gasp, as she must have noticed my snake. I hope I did not frighten her with my choice of animal. I knew many did not love snakes as I did and she may even go as far as to have a deep fear of them. It was at that that I began to mentally hit myself. I should have stayed with the lion. She would always react better to the lion, it being her symbol and all.

Silence ensued as I waited to hear if she would do anything to alert me to her thoughts. She was such an enigma to me, always hard to figure out what might be going on in her head. Though some of her actions were predictable, the fact that she would always stick up for her stooges and come to the library to begin work on something not due for weeks, her thoughts were ever elusive and hard to figure. She was a complex creature and that complexity may be another thing that brought me ever more attracted to her. I could feel myself drawn to her as if she were a veela. If I did not know better I would suspect her of having a veela origin but since I seemed to be the only unlucky soul caught in her enchantment I knew that to be false.

Soon my snake returned to me, a bit miffed by something Granger must have done. It didn't seem like I had to wait long before receiving a response but then again I had left my body to wonder around in my thoughts. My perception of time could be muddled and the only evidence to her long pause was my snake's agitated state. I placed my hand on the table and waited for the snake to unravel and show me her words.

He slowly eyed my hand, seeing if he should strike or relent to my wishes. He soon gave up his idea of retaliation upon me and entered my palm. As soon as paper touched my skin her twisted and bent into the clean sheet of parchment that held her sloppy yet endearing script. `It is also dangerous to be passing notes to one another, yet you seem intent on doing so. It seems we are both committing dangerous acts.'

There it was, her sharp and witty reply. I couldn't help but smile as I knew exactly how to respond to that. I picked up my quill and dipped it in the Egyptian ink I had opened on the desk. `Very true; however, me writing you a note is very different than me wearing your cloak. I am surprised your two dunderheads haven't asked you where it came from. Or maybe they did and you lied to them, since if you told them it was mine I would assume you all would not be speaking, which clearly you still are.'

I re-read my words as I nodded and sent the snake back over to my conversation partner. I leaned back in my chair and placed my hands behind my head. I knew she would come up with something smart and witty that would not only catch me off guard but also force me to think of the amazing extent of her wit and intelligence. I was always behind her in marks, much to my father's annoyance. She had come here with a knowledge most purebloods did not possess. She was always willing to answer every question presented to her just to prove she was capable. I realized my mocking of her had only driven her to excel more to prove she was not as lowly as I made her to seem. My teasing which had been meant to break her and allow me to rise had been my defeat. It fueled her determination and will and allowed her to grow and gain abilities I would never be able grasp.

My snake roused me once again from my thoughts as he slithered up my leg and into my lap. He was in a much better state this time around so I judged he gathered a quick response. I allowed him to enter my hand and brought the unfolded parchment closer so I could read it. `I told them I had borrowed a friends cloak and had yet to return it. They asked a few questions but it was nothing I could not handle. How have your friends been taking the absence of your much talked about Italian cloak?'

I rolled my eyes. The last thing I wanted to think about was Pansy's questions. Yet she had asked and I would give her an answer. `Like any other Slytherin's would, poked fun at me and wondered which beautiful girl was wearing it this time. I wonder how they would respond if they knew the beautiful girl was the Golden Trios' bookworm? I almost chucked as I thought how she would respond to being called beautiful. Would she accept the compliment with thanks, would she ignore it or would she try to fit it?

As the snake went about its business of delivering my response I went back into my thoughts to wait it would be a shame if she couldn't see the beauty she was. Though she was not what people would deem a classic beauty she was one none-the less. She was a catch, something to be fought for. She was not easy like some of the girls I had found myself laying with, she was something to work for. I doubted she had ever been with a man. Though she had been with Krum for a time our fourth year I doubt she would have given herself to him. And then there was weasel. I heard people speak about how they thought those two would be wed one day. I hoped Granger had more sense than to lower herself by marrying a blood traitor.

Blood traitor, was that what I was now? Here I was thinking of a mud blood in the best of lights and not even caring that she is beneath me. Was I truly becoming what I hated? No, I had no intentions of mixing blood by having sex with her. I was simply curious as to her and am just fulfilling my curiosity. She had enveloped my mind and the only way to get her out was to follow it along. I was attracted to her, yes, but it was simply curiosity. This sudden revelation that I may become something as distasteful as a blood traitor made me question why I was doing this.

When the snake returned I was less inclined to read it. The part of me that knew better told me to leave it and just go back to the common room. I had just realized how dangerous the path I am on was. Nothing good could come from this, whatever it was. I pushed back my chair, intent on leaving. I had things to do, a mission to complete, and nothing could stand in the way of it. If I stayed she would only entrap me further and it could only complicate things. I began to gather my books, not noticing the racket I was making. I had to go, this was just a bad idea. Then my thoughts on Pansy came back and all that could happen to me if this was discovered. This was the most stupid thing I have ever…

“Leaving so soon?” I stopped moving and looked at the owner of that sweet voice. There she was, leaning against the bookshelves. She must have been attracted by the noise I had made and come to investigate. There was that knowledge seeking attitude shining through. And now that I was faced with my odd temptation I was left wondering why I was leaving again.

I looked down at my pack and then back up at her. “I thought it best to cut our conversation short.”

Her face betrayed her; you could clearly tell she was hurt by my words. She quickly glanced at the snake that held her unread words. I wondered what she wrote to me. I shook my head; it was that blasted curiosity that was leading me to a trouble I wished not to face. “And why would you want to do that? Was it something I said?”

Now I truly wondered what she had said to me. I gathered the snake and tried to avoid its bites as I placed it in my pack. My damned curiosity would be the end of me and this girl was bringing that end closer and closer. She had moved away from the bookshelves and had come closer to me. I could feel her honey eyes on me and if I looked into them I knew I would be trapped by her enchantment. I was so confused again. Things I had been taught all my life, lessons I clung to, were crumbling around me and it was all because of this stupid, beautiful, mud blood.

I shook my head, refusing to look at her. “No, it was something I thought of while sitting here.” Why was I still talking to her? I should insult her, call her a filthy mud blood and return to my boring and safe life. Return to what I knew and understood and get out of this place of confusion.

“And what was that?” She was starting to remind me of Pansy with her questions. It was good; maybe if I regarded her as Pansy I would have no issue of insulting her and leaving her here, ending this dangerous game.

I gathered all my Malfoy pride and strength and looked up at her. The second I saw her unsure eyes it evaporated and I was lost within her. I hated myself at that moment. How could this stupid girl have gotten under my skin so quickly? One kiss and a few notes later and here I was, putty in her delicate hands. Where had my hard shell gone, my snide remarks, my utter contempt?

I couldn't hurt her, though I had an insult ready to lash at her I couldn't send it hurling toward her. She seemed so vulnerable, so meek and I couldn't bring myself to hurt her. I stood, leaving my pack to fall to the floor. I looked down at her, reminded of how much shorter she was than me. I squeezed my hand into a fist, trying to keep myself from touching her, but it was more than I could handle. I soon found my hand on her cheek, then moving to her wild ringlets falling from its confines. Every time I touched her hair I couldn't help but be mystified by how smooth it was. It was as if silk was touching my fingertips and no reason to why it was always so untamed.

I took a deep breath and look away from her eyes and to my hand that was playing with her hair. “We are truly playing a dangerous game and I just realized how dangerous it really is.” I was trapped and I knew it. I was no longer intent on returning to my common room, but rather staying here and enjoying the company that she provided. I recall a saying that stated you want what you can't have. At that moment I understood the meaning of those words. I knew no matter what we did, where we went, we would never be able to be anything to each other; yet, that's all I wanted. I don't know what I wanted to be to her but I knew I wanted to be something.

She didn't touch me but I felt her eyes on my chest. She moved her hand to my shirt and played with a button. “Yes, I suppose we are.”

A silence enveloped us as we played with our selected items: her my shirt buttons, and me her silky hair. Neither of us dared speak word weather out of fear of what would be said or a lack of knowing exactly what to say. She spoke first as her fingers stilled with their play. “Is that so bad?”

I knew what she was getting at and I sighed. The words were spilling from my lips before I could even think of them. “I honestly don't know. You are everything I have been taught to hate yet here I am, seeking you out. And while I think of you I am turning into something I don't know if I want to be.” I stopped playing with her hair and closed my eyes; she was looking up at my face, requesting I look at her. I just couldn't, the feelings that were coursing through me, the emotions I didn't understand would bring me to do something I didn't know if I wanted or not.

“What are you becoming?” It was a simple question but to me it was loaded with so many more. Her voice was so soft and she had refused to turn away from looking at me.

I took another deep breath and caught scent of her shampoo. It broke me more and I could barely respond. “A blood traitor.”

Saying those words broke me from my weak state and renewed my will to leave. I thanked Merlin that I had gathered my things as I grabbed my pack and left her just as quickly as I had left Pansy before. I could again hear her take in breath in order to respond but I was already too far away. I had run like a coward. My actions were unbefitting to a Malfoy and yet the actions I was running from where even more against the Malfoy code. I was so lost and confused that I decided not to contact her again. As far as I was concerned our exchanges had come to an end.

Author's Note: HI!!! So Mother's day came about and it got me thinking about how I had been neglecting my story like a bad mother so I sat down, plotted out my plot up to chapter sixteen and am now on a quest to get a chapter up AT LEAST once a week. Hopefully I will be able to make that happen. So be expecting more to come. Also I changed a few things in chapters one and two I just changed Snape teaching potions to Snape teaching DADA making it sixth year. Just wanted to let you all know so that you wouldn't have to go back and re-read it and be like DUDE WTF!?!? Please review and let me know what you think and what you think should happen. Your reviews truly inspire me to write and give me fuel to continue. I love you all and thanks again to my betas, you rock my socks guys!!