Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction ❯ Echoing truth ❯ - four - ( Chapter 4 )

Echoing truth

by Stray

25. 09. 2004

Disclaimer: I do not own Hikaru no Go, or it's characters and make no money of it. (*Still NOT?? Shit!*) Anyhow… It's just for fun (~bizarre concept of fun…~).

Warnings: depression, mature themes, bad English, yaoi hints (for now), and maddeningly slow progress of the plotline (even for my liking), disturbing het involvement.

- Four -

Next time he met Shindo was nearly three weeks later on the Meijin preliminaries. They both had a match at the same time, but Shindo finished earlier and though Akira indicated that he wanted to speak with him later he didn't wait for him. That repeated itself on the next occasion they could have met. Akira then realized that Shindo didn't want to speak with him.

Maybe he thought he wanted to ask him about his strange behavior at the bar. Akira understood that he wasn't intent about such a talk. But he couldn't possibly know that Akira was just as intent on avoiding the topic. He could scarcely tell him since that would imply that he knew more than he was willing to admit.

The only motivation behind his wanting to talk to Shindo was simpler than that. He wanted to renew their faded friendship and rivalry. The little talk at the bar reminded him of old times when they used to play each other regularly, just because of fun. They sometimes spent time together even out of Go. Akira only used to eat in the lunch break when Shindo was there dragging him somewhere into a nearly fast food restaurant. But lately none of that occurred anymore. And now that he was reminded of their absence, he really started to feel the lack of them.

Nowadays he felt his life empty, devoid of some kind of sparkle that made it worthy. He thought it was because he grew up, the idealism of childhood faded and he didn't meet real challenge in a while now. He accepted it, thought it was normal, but still yearned after something that he couldn't quite put label on. He just didn't know what was missing until that.

So he tried a few times to get a hold on him, tried to speak to him, but Shindo always found a way to evade his attempts. And now Akira could only think of one reason, namely that he did it on purpose. But Akira couldn't figure it out since Shindo didn't want to tell him. Maybe he was ashamed of his behavior at the party, though he doubted Shindo would have much of a memory on it. Or it could be something else. For as good he knew him he couldn't even guess. Shindo Hikaru has become a complete stranger to him - apart from the Go he played.

It was after one these attempts that he walked toward his car parked in an underground garage - his pace more forceful and wider than usual because of the irritation he currently felt toward the other Go player - when he spotted the girl on the street staring into a window display. She didn't move so eventually he caught up to her and then she turned and their eyes met. At first he just wanted to walk around her without call up attention to him being there, but he couldn't just do that after she sighted him.

"Good day, Fujisaki-san," he relented to greet her. It was funny in a way that he still called her with her family name after spending a night in her apartment, but otherwise it wasn't like they did *anything* approximately intimate on that occasion. She bowed shortly and greeted him but her voice was so low that he didn't hear what she said. She was blushing like her thoughts matched his but she tried to avert his awareness from it with unnecessarily rambling about how she was on her way to a self-service restaurant to eat dinner but she saw that cloth in the window and now she barely has time to eat and get back at her workplace in time.

Akira got the message and promptly said good-bye to her politely. It was just after he got into his car and seated himself at the drivers seat that he thought about how he could question her about the cause of Shindo's recent performance.

It seemed a good idea at the time. So he didn't vacillate much to call her on her cell and set up a date with her. Well date wasn't the exact expression in his thoughts, and he didn't understand why she would hesitate so much before she finally agreed to it, but when he drove to her house that night and met her blushing-stuttering performance, he understood that she must have thought just that.

The night went surprisingly good even with that little… handicap. She was nervous at first but after Akira started to talk about Shindo and their younger years she immediately loosened up and they spent a dinner with relaxed conversation about neutral themes. At one point he was surprised to actually find her interesting and didn't feel bored by her chattering. Her thoughts seemed refreshingly intelligent to him - a rare phenomenon that mostly occurred to him when he was speaking to female go players but his conversation with them was mostly only about go and he always excused himself of left unnoticed when the topic drifted to something else.

She was actually leading the conversation but Akira didn't mind. So he wasn't forced to take up that role that usually tired and bothered him. He liked better to listen to people speaking and not to his own voice - as much that fact the general belief about his personality contrasted. Of course it only applied when he was interested in the discussion.

He didn't notice when the conversation took another direction but at one point he realized that they weren't speaking anymore about Shindo. But that didn't faze him at all - maybe because of the great, rich flavored red whine they had to the dinner.

After he drove her to the apartment building and then got home he realized that he didn't learn much about his current problem concerning Shindo, because their conversation was mainly about their childhood and then some every-day things that involved getting know each other better. But strangely he didn't mind it. So he wasn't that surprised when he caught himself inviting her on the next day again. And then on several other occasions.

Though their meetings were organized and generally viewed as rendezvous, they never did anything more than being friendly with each other - and it wasn't that Akira didn't try. It only felt somehow awkward and inappropriate. After a month they were on first name basis, but didn't go further as holding hands and even than she was the one breaking contact with a strange mix of longing and guilt in her eyes. Akira saw that it wasn't modesty or disinterest holding her back. But he couldn't figure out what else. It was bothersome, but he could accept that she didn't want to move faster into the relationship. If what they had qualified even to one - Akira found himself question it most of the time. It was strange but not unendurably so.

Then it was this one time when they met in a slightly fancier restaurant than usually and were required to wear clothing equally fancy. Akira had no problems with that. He was used to formal wear since some of the title matches also required it. But she most likely wasn't and behaved unusually solemn. Then to break the heavy atmosphere he started to flirt with her, telling her pointless compliments and trying some mild innuendos.

At first she was game taking up her half of the conversation like her initial nervousness didn't exist at all. And then at one point she looked at him but her gaze flickered constantly from one point to other, eyes shimmering with unspoken anxiety and she told him, "I can't help it, I feel like I would betray Hikaru."

Akira frowned. "What do you mean?" he asked bewildered.

When Akari felt his glare on her she gave up the pretense of trying to look into his eyes and stared fixedly on her hands crossed across her lap. She wanted Akira to drop the topic, to pretend that he didn't hear her saying anything. But she knew him by that time well enough to know that he wouldn't. That eventually she had to answer.

She shook her head. She wasn't ready to answer to that. Not yet. "I'm sorry," she told him rejecting. "I would like to go home now."

- - - - - - -

Shindo Hikaru walked slowly on the gorgeously lighted streets of Shinjuku hands in the pockets of his "clubbing outfit" that consisted of a jeans and a bright tee shirt with sneakers. He didn't feel like hooking up with people so it didn't really matter. He only went out because he couldn't stand to rot alone in that god-awful apartment of his anymore. He sat in some bars drinking some beer - not enough to actually get drunk. Sadly.

So there he was trying his damnest to ignore the empty space in his heart and mind, to just suffocate finally in that slow current of lethargy that was his life, to be able to not feel and not think about changing it anymore and just accept that it was meant to be like this. To give up the false hope that kept him telling that it could be more, that is not enough and just give in that it will have to be, 'cos it will be the most he will ever get. And like always when he thought that he might be almost succeeding something had to happen that made his efforts nil again.

There they were: together, coming out of an expensive restaurant, dressed in elegant clothes and an atmosphere of normalcy that radiated that what they had together is the ordinary thing for ordinary people to have. They looked good for each other. He could see them being like this after several years. It seemed natural. Not like the 'thing' his twisted mind could conjure up for a substitute of a relationship.

He stopped abruptly not even noticing it and just watched them walking next to each other to a car. Touya opened the door for her and she got in. Then he got around to the driver's side and settled in front of the wheel. The car started - the multicolored neon lights sliding down on its shining metal polishing like a sparkling, transparent nightgown that isn't needed for the time coming - and soon it got lost in the vast ocean of vehicles cruising the road.

He let out a breath he didn't remember holding and resumed his slow pace with a frown on his face. Of course he had known about them for a few weeks now. Since he saw them once under similar circumstances. He knew he was happy for them. If it weren't for the light tingling feeling of yearning in his stomach. Yes, he wanted what they had. He was jealous for the happiness they shared. That they could have it and he couldn't. And he hated himself for feeling like that. He didn't hate *them*. He just couldn't stand being near them, their happiness lurking constantly in their shadow that reminded him of his own loneliness.

So he did the only thing that he knew would work - denial. He ignored them and avoided them. Although it got a bit difficult with Touya's renewed interest in him that he frankly couldn't fathom. Why now - after all that time? When his only desire was to be left alone with his thoughts. He would figure out eventually how to continue with his life.

He just needed a bit more time.

TBC.

A/N: I got an infected mail that I couldn't read. If somebody tried to send me something (you could never know…) please try it again. Thanks.